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Post by Gamblin' Telly on Nov 5, 2015 4:42:15 GMT -5
Welcome to the first issue of my new series! To get the big, grey mammal out of the room I present you Dolphins, the undisputed kings of animal assholery.  That smile is kind of sinister isn't it? First of all, they are one of the rare species that kills other animals without eating them afterwards. It's been well documented by now that bottlenose dolphins have a knack of killing porpoises. It's not quite clear if the do it for fun, profit or because they're just plain evil but they sure are good at it. The dead porpoises washed up on the shore have broken ribs, ruptured organs and terrible bite marks. They look like this: Warning: Really gruesome image of a dead sea mammal, so do not click on it if you do not want to see a gruesome image of a dead sea mammal. That's still nothing compared to what happens when mating season starts. You know how male animals court the females by trying to impress them, be it with the brightest feathers or by simply fighting each other? Dolphins approach mating differently: "Gangs of two or three male bottlenose dolphins isolate a single female from the pod and forcibly mate with her, sometimes for weeks at a time. To keep her in line, they make aggressive noises, threatening movements, and even smack her around with their tails. And if she tries to swim away, they chase her down.” It's like an ocean of Cosbys. They also like to kill their babies so females become ready to mate again, but that's hardly unique. Lions, the bullies of the Savannah, are known for that too. (I will get to you, stupid bully lions, no worries) Then again, you'd want dolphins to be occupied with each other when they're horny, because they have been known to have a healthy interest in swimmers. At this point I absolutely believe all these people who got 'saved' by dolphins from shark attacks just don't tell what they had to do in return out of shame. Seems these guys are only bearable when they're high, a state they apparently reach by torturing pufferfish. Article about that A junkie "The dolphins' expert, deliberate handling of the terrorized puffer fish, Pilley told the Daily News, implies that this is not their first time at the hallucinogenic rodeo." They are mostly occupied with themselves when high, staring at their own reflection for hours. In those hours they neither rape nor kill, they even forget to kill the pufferfish. I'd say it's time to pump LSD into the ocean, just to be sure you can go for a swim and have nothing to fear besides shark or jellyfish related death. There are other strange facts, such as those playful animals using baby sharks as volleyballs when they get bored with their toys: www.upi.com/Odd_News/2009/06/15/Research-Dolphins-play-shark-volleyball/UPI-66101245038700/But those seem minor compared to all the stuff above, so I close this entry with a video of a dolphin using a beheaded fish as a fleshlight. You're welcome!
I'm not sure what the next installment will be. Seals, otters and lions are coming of course, but I will take suggestions. |
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Post by 🔪 silly buns on Nov 5, 2015 5:27:07 GMT -5
I had to stop at ocean of Cosbys. Dear god! Just set the ocean on fire.
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Post by Lone Locust of the Apocalypse on Nov 5, 2015 6:06:25 GMT -5
ITT: We morally judge animals for not being advanced enough to have a system of moral values.
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Post by Gamblin' Telly on Nov 5, 2015 6:52:30 GMT -5
ITT: We morally judge animals for not being advanced enough to have a system of moral values. Yup, they can't fight back and I doubt they care. |
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Post by Lone Locust of the Apocalypse on Nov 5, 2015 6:59:01 GMT -5
ITT: We morally judge animals for not being advanced enough to have a system of moral values. Yup, they can't fight back and I doubt they care. Well, lions could fight back. |
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Post by Gamblin' Telly on Nov 5, 2015 7:04:22 GMT -5
Yup, they can't fight back and I doubt they care. Well, lions could fight back. As far as my experiences with lions go they're mostly toothless and only interested in hate-jerking to potential presidential candidates. |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 5, 2015 11:51:45 GMT -5
And I'm tired of all these Dolphin-centric SATs! Humans rule - dolphins can suck it!!
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Post by haysoos on Nov 5, 2015 12:53:11 GMT -5
I wish I had more than one thumb-up to give for this. It should also be noted that dolphins are riddled with STDs. Higher than 90% of free-range sexually mature male Atlantic bottlenose dolphins ( Tursiops truncatus) were found to be antibody positive for papillomavirus, and many have genital tumors (two of the words you least want to see next to each other in the English language). www.bioone.org/doi/abs/10.7589/0090-3558-46.1.136For future installments, might I suggest bedbugs? Not only are they jerks to their human hosts, but their habit of reproduction through traumatic insemination surely deserves a few hundred douche points. |
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Post by Lone Locust of the Apocalypse on Nov 5, 2015 13:31:31 GMT -5
ITT: Species who ruined the entire planet thinks other species are douches
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Post by King Charles’s Butterfly on Nov 5, 2015 15:22:07 GMT -5
Is it weird that dolphins being STD-ridden douches makes me like them more? I can relate!
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Post by Gamblin' Telly on Nov 6, 2015 3:02:51 GMT -5
ITT: Species who ruined the entire planet thinks other species are douches Could you take your rampant anti-semitism elsewhere? |
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Post by Gamblin' Telly on Nov 12, 2015 8:20:30 GMT -5
Not much time this week, but I'm trying to keep up with a weekly schedule, like that other thread. So inspired by haysoos, let's have a quick look at bedbugs:  You got to give these little fuckers some credit, for they are the OB's (original bugs). Linguistically, the word bug originally exclusively meant these guys, until we discovered all the other little pricks so now we have to differentiate them by putting 'bed' in front. The OB's have been with humankind pretty much since ever. 80,000 years ago, some poor Australopeticus was like "Ah hell naw, I just invented the bed two days ago and these assholes show up already!" But while we have evolved since then like a proper earth ruling mammal, those guys just trudged along, living from our blood. That's basically their whole Raison d’Être, living in clusters in their own filth somewhere in your matress and waiting for night to come to get their bloodthirst quenched.  Adult bed bugs are about 4-5 millimeters long, but can grow up to 9 millimeters when full of blood. Yes, they are literally dicks! When they're not out for bloodsucking, they are breeding. They practice traumatic insemination. Why do I suddenly have to think of Bill Cosby again? Anyway, the female reproductive tract is 'exit only', so the male pierces her abdomen with his hypodermic penis.  What is love? I have never encountered those dicks personally, but they seem to have something of a comeback in recent years, infesting hotels from the cheapest motel to the best 5 star houses. I blame the DDT ban, that stuff was the best we ever had. Getting rid of them is a pain in the ass, you have to use insecticides in huge amounts, or better just burn it all to the ground. But you can go the hippie route: Just put bean leaves around your bed (the little hairs on the leaves get them fuckers stuck in there) and burn the leaves in the morning. So, apologies for the brief entry due to not much time and me having no actual clue about bed bugs, I hope you still enjoyed today's entry. Until next week! |
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Post by haysoos on Nov 12, 2015 9:00:11 GMT -5
Yay, bedbugs!
Those are fantastic pictures! The hiding place photo in particular is one of the most gruesome I've seen.
The black stains are bedbug poo (which is essentially human blood), while the little white thingies are bedbug eggs, which are cemented down. This makes the eggs easy to accidentally transport on luggage, library books or other portable items where the bugs have been hiding.
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Post by Gamblin' Telly on Nov 12, 2015 16:38:41 GMT -5
Yay, bedbugs! Those are fantastic pictures! The hiding place photo in particular is one of the most gruesome I've seen. The black stains are bedbug poo (which is essentially human blood), while the little white thingies are bedbug eggs, which are cemented down. This makes the eggs easy to accidentally transport on luggage, library books or other portable items where the bugs have been hiding. The female bedbug lays about one to twelve eggs a day when fertilized, 200 in it's six to twelve month lifespan. And they've grown increasingly resistant to pesticides. Seems we're not getting rid of these douchebags any time soon. |
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Post by King Charles’s Butterfly on Nov 12, 2015 17:34:01 GMT -5
The female bedbug lays about one to twelve eggs a day when fertilized, 200 in it's six to twelve month lifespan. And they've grown increasingly resistant to pesticides. Seems we're not getting rid of these douchebags any time soon. I was going to mention that when you mentioned DDT above. You sometimes hear that Rachel Carson’s the reason there’s still malaria in Africa, but: 1. A lot of Africa still uses DDT 2. The places in Africa where DDT isn’t used formerly used DDT—they stopped because now they have DDT-resistant mosquitoes |
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Post by Gamblin' Telly on Nov 12, 2015 17:48:51 GMT -5
The female bedbug lays about one to twelve eggs a day when fertilized, 200 in it's six to twelve month lifespan. And they've grown increasingly resistant to pesticides. Seems we're not getting rid of these douchebags any time soon. I was going to mention that when you mentioned DDT above. You sometimes hear that Rachel Carson’s the reason there’s still malaria in Africa, but: 1. A lot of Africa still uses DDT 2. The places in Africa where DDT isn’t used formerly used DDT—they stopped because now they have DDT-resistant mosquitoes Just for the record: This thread and especially quotes like the DDT one are not to be taken seriously. I'm not a madman. Well ok I am but not that kind of madman. |
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Post by King Charles’s Butterfly on Nov 12, 2015 17:54:29 GMT -5
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Post by MrsLangdonAlger on Nov 12, 2015 21:01:06 GMT -5
I had bedbugs for about six months. I'm not a good enough person to say that I wouldn't wish them on my worst enemy, but I'd feel kind of bad about it at least. They're fucking horrendous.
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Post by Gamblin' Telly on Nov 13, 2015 3:30:45 GMT -5
I made good use of my natural charm there. Even the most insane holding the world hostage plan goes down so much easier when delivered with a smile. |
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Post by Gamblin' Telly on Nov 13, 2015 3:37:14 GMT -5
I had bedbugs for about six months. I'm not a good enough person to say that I wouldn't wish them on my worst enemy, but I'd feel kind of bad about it at least. They're fucking horrendous. May I ask how you got rid of them in the end? Insecticides, manic vacuuming, expose them to heat/cold, bean leaves, flamethrower? Or a combination thereof? There seem to be many measures to take but none of them seem to suffice alone. The more I read about these guys the more I dislike them. |
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Post by MrsLangdonAlger on Nov 13, 2015 8:26:03 GMT -5
I had bedbugs for about six months. I'm not a good enough person to say that I wouldn't wish them on my worst enemy, but I'd feel kind of bad about it at least. They're fucking horrendous. May I ask how you got rid of them in the end? Insecticides, manic vacuuming, expose them to heat/cold, bean leaves, flamethrower? Or a combination thereof? There seem to be many measures to take but none of them seem to suffice alone. The more I read about these guys the more I dislike them. We ended up having to bring in professionals. All our stuff had to be bagged and most of it put outside for the duration of the place being treated, which lasted almost two months. The clothes I needed were put in an almost air-tight hanging container, and we all bought those "bedbug proof" sleeves to put over our mattresses. They treated the place three times and in between we would spray home-bought bedbug killer that smelled absolutely foul. I've since moved out of that place, but the infestation had seemed to be done when I moved out. I am honestly twitchy just thinking about it. |
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Hippo
Prolific Poster 
Posts: 6,715 
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Post by Hippo on Nov 15, 2015 0:59:49 GMT -5
Oh good, I've created another monster.
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Post by Gamblin' Telly on Nov 23, 2015 5:39:33 GMT -5
Today, I'm gonna tell you about one of nature's most vile predators. Besides Bill Cosby. I'm talking lions.  They are about the only wild felids who live in packs on a regular basis. Anyone who has ever seen cats interacting with each other knows this is a terrible idea. Unlike other animals living in groups, lions don't really have a complicated social order with different ranks, they just pull the full Lion King: Unless you're not the alpha male, you don't get any pussy (hah). So every guy wants to be the alpha male which you become by killing or at least hurting the alpha male so badly he gets ousted for not being awesome at killing anymore. But if a male lion becomes the new Alpha he has still one obstacle in the way of all that lioness tail: They have kids from old alpha male, and are totally not in any sex mood as long as they are caring for their young. Lions are very straightforward in their thinking, so the new lion king just kills and eats the babies, so the females become ready to mate again.  No matter how bad he is, a 'new dad' is always worse for little lions. It wouldn't be so bad if they were just dicks to each other, but living in packs has a huge advantage: They get to be dicks to pretty much every other animal trying to make a living in the savannah. These are the poor guys who get most of the shit from lions and a bad reputation on top of it:  Hyenas, which also live in packs but have a rich social life, actually care for all their young and have fascinating coordinated hunting techniques, are just filthy scavengers in most people's mind because of stupid scientists being impressed by the 'majesty' of lions a tad too much and also sleeping in for decades. See what we all know are the pictures of lions eating their prey, and a pack of hyenas standing in the back and waiting for scraps. So science concluded for many years: Lion: noble hunter, hyena: pest ridden scavenger. Luckily night vision cameras became a thing and one wildlife researcher actually made the effort to check what happens before the sun comes up: In most cases the hyenas have hunted the prey, only to be bullied away by the much stronger lions. They do that to leopards and cheetahs too. Today it is believed that carrion makes 70% of a lions diet. In conclusion:  (It would be cool if that other thread did Hyenas, because the are really fascinating animals. Fun fact: The have the strongest jaws known in the animal kingdom, making them able to chew bones. Unfun Fact: Some 'shamans' and other shady people keep hyenas as pets, which works by keeping them on a heavy chain and heavily drugging them their whole live.) |
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Post by ganews on Nov 23, 2015 8:10:05 GMT -5
Today, I'm gonna tell you about one of nature's most vile predators. Besides Bill Cosby. I'm talking lions. They are about the only wild felids who live in packs on a regular basis. Anyone who has ever seen cats interacting with each other knows this is a terrible idea. Unlike other animals living in groups, lions don't really have a complicated social order with different ranks, they just pull the full Lion King: Unless you're not the alpha male, you don't get any pussy (hah). So every guy wants to be the alpha male which you become by killing or at least hurt the alpha male so badly he gets ousted for not being awesome at killing anymore. But if a male lion become the new Alpha he has still one obstacle in the way of all that lioness tail: They have kids from old alpha male, and are totally not in any sex mood as long as they are caring for their young. Lions are very straightforward in their thinking, so the new lion king just kills and eats the babies, so the females become ready to mate again. No matter how bad he is, a 'new dad' is always worse for lions. It wouldn't be so bad if they were just dicks to each other, but living in packs has a huge advantage: They get to be dicks to pretty much ever other animal trying to make a living in the savannah. These are the poor guys who get most of the shit from lions and a bad reputation on top of it: Hyenas, which also live in packs but have a rich social life, actually care for all their young and have fascinating coordinated hunting techniques, are just filthy scavengers in most people's mind because of stupid scientists being impressed by the 'majesty' of lions a tad too much and also sleeping in for decades. See what we all know are the pictures of lions eating their prey, and a pack of hyenas standing in the back and waiting for scraps. So science concluded for many years: Lion: noble hunter, hyena: pest ridden scavenger. Luckily night vision cameras became a thing and one wildlife researcher actually made the effort to check what happens before the sun comes up: In most cases the hyenas have hunted the prey, only to be bullied away by the much stronger lions. They do that to leopards and cheetahs too. Today it is believed that carrion makes 70% of a lions diet. In conclusion: (It would be cool if that other thread did Hyenas, because the are really fascinating animals. Fun fact: The have the strongest jaws known in the animal kingdom, making them able to chew bones. Unfun Fact: Some 'shamans' and other shady people keep hyenas as pets, which works by keeping them on a heavy chain and heavily drugging them their whole live.) I learned this from the book Jurassic Park sequel The Lost World. Thanks, Michael Chrichton! |
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Post by Gamblin' Telly on Nov 23, 2015 9:22:07 GMT -5
I learned this from the book Jurassic Park sequel The Lost World. Thanks, Michael Chrichton! More like Thanks, Mufasa! |
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Post by haysoos on Nov 24, 2015 12:09:32 GMT -5
Lions are also huge jerks to cheetahs. They just do not like cheetahs anywhere in their range, and will kill and eat them whenever they can.
Today, both of these critters are restricted to the most African of all African environments: the savannas and veldts which are too hot to sustain European crop species.
In the past, both species ranged right across the Middle East and Persia. European lions were still a thing when the Romans were around. The vast numbers of cheetahs across Central Asia didn't take a major hit until assholes with firearms decided it was manly to shoot "hunting leopards" in the 17th century. Even earlier than that, there were both cheetahs and lions in North America until about 10,000 years ago.
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Post by Gamblin' Telly on Dec 7, 2015 5:12:01 GMT -5
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Post by ganews on Dec 7, 2015 7:58:44 GMT -5
Next up will be slave-making ants, with a little extra of drug addicted ants. I'll do it this week, promise. In the meantime, have some pictures of a Hippo eating a baby Gnu.  |
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Post by Gamblin' Telly on Dec 7, 2015 8:55:29 GMT -5
Next up will be slave-making ants, with a little extra of drug addicted ants. I'll do it this week, promise. In the meantime, have some pictures of a Hippo eating a baby Gnu. No one is safe here. |
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Post by ganews on Dec 7, 2015 10:45:28 GMT -5
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