Telly's Weird World Of Animal Douchebags

Welcome to the first issue of my new series!

To get the big, grey mammal out of the room I present you Dolphins, the undisputed kings of animal assholery.



That smile is kind of sinister isn't it?

First of all, they are one of the rare species that kills other animals without eating them afterwards. It's been well documented by now that bottlenose dolphins have a knack of killing porpoises. It's not quite clear if the do it for fun, profit or because they're just plain evil but they sure are good at it. The dead porpoises washed up on the shore have broken ribs, ruptured organs and terrible bite marks. They look like this:

Warning: Really gruesome image of a dead sea mammal, so do not click on it if you do not want to see a gruesome image of a dead sea mammal.


That's still nothing compared to what happens when mating season starts. You know how male animals court the females by trying to impress them, be it with the brightest feathers or by simply fighting each other? Dolphins approach mating differently:

"Gangs of two or three male bottlenose dolphins isolate a single female from the pod and forcibly mate with her, sometimes for weeks at a time. To keep her in line, they make aggressive noises, threatening movements, and even smack her around with their tails. And if she tries to swim away, they chase her down.”

It's like an ocean of Cosbys.

They also like to kill their babies so females become ready to mate again, but that's hardly unique. Lions, the bullies of the Savannah, are known for that too. (I will get to you, stupid bully lions, no worries)

Then again, you'd want dolphins to be occupied with each other when they're horny, because they have been known to have a healthy interest in swimmers. At this point I absolutely believe all these people who got 'saved' by dolphins from shark attacks just don't tell what they had to do in return out of shame.

Seems these guys are only bearable when they're high, a state they apparently reach by torturing pufferfish.

Article about that


A junkie

"The dolphins' expert, deliberate handling of the terrorized puffer fish, Pilley told the Daily News, implies that this is not their first time at the hallucinogenic rodeo."

They are mostly occupied with themselves when high, staring at their own reflection for hours. In those hours they neither rape nor kill, they even forget to kill the pufferfish. I'd say it's time to pump LSD into the ocean, just to be sure you can go for a swim and have nothing to fear besides shark or jellyfish related death.

There are other strange facts, such as those playful animals using baby sharks as volleyballs when they get bored with their toys: www.upi.com/Odd_News/2009/06/15/Research-Dolphins-play-shark-volleyball/UPI-66101245038700/

But those seem minor compared to all the stuff above, so I close this entry with a video of a dolphin using a beheaded fish as a fleshlight. You're welcome!




I'm not sure what the next installment will be. Seals, otters and lions are coming of course, but I will take suggestions.