Season 1 Episode 13--"Lost In Cyberspace"

In today's episode, no one uses the word "cybersex," although they'd really like to

 SYNOPSIS
 We begin with a hilariously terrible musical montage wherein someone trying very hard to make computer words like "Access" and "Password" and the line "Turn your mouse into a rat," which I don't understand at all and dear God do I NEVER WANT TO KNOW EVER. This is all full of quick-fire cutting and we were totally made to think that the two people are totally having cybersex (not helped by the fact that the guy, Warren is FIDDLING WITH HIS BELT for God's sake. I should also mention he dresses like what Americans writing for Canadians must think computer nerds dress like, as he seems to be wearing an ensemble from the Neil Young Windowless Van Collection) Sadly I can't do this justice without actually showing you the whole montage, which I really wish I could because I am laughing my ass off at this right now.

 To cut to the chase, they're about to meet up, only she gets kidnapped, because nerd love is not a sufficient enough hook to hang a episode of a 90's action TV series on, no sir.

 Anyways, to enlist Cobra's help, Warren hacks into Cobra's security system, which works, but really, 14 episodes in, we know he coulda just walked through the front door with no problem and held them up. Anyways, he wants their help in getting his girlfriend back, who is being held hostage to hack into into something so they can steal crack a safe with a laser without being caught because she hacked into ARPAnet and is really amazing as a computer hacker in the way that low-tier action series used to think that hackers did and that people who make big-budget movies today do. Let's hear it for progress.

 So, while Dolores is being threatened while the guy who has her tries to engineer the perfect crime Scandal and Warren team up to try to free her, and by that I mean Scandal lectures Warren that this is REAL LIFE and NOT A DAMN COMPUTER GAME . . .and then promptly gets a gun pulled on him, because Cobra is a show about how Scandal Jackson is the best, even with all the evidence to the contrary. Warren bails him out by driving his car at the bad guys just when Scandal's about to be killed, and Scandal is impressed, given that Warren had just played a simulator.

 And so, Warren gets the idea for them to rummage through the trash, so they can determine just what the people holding Dolores might be after and Warren tells us that Dallas has a lingerie fetish and Danielle's sister's husband is being sued for bigamy and Scandal has a thing for the crappiest food imaginable. This works, because the plot says it does and we need for Warren and Scandal to bond as we head into the climax of the episode. Thankfully, this being 1994, no one's written a script limiting your password attempts, so Warren brute forces his way in and they find out where the heist is being planned and go to free her, but now that they've worked out the timing of their heist, they've cleared out.

 Well, we're ell into Act 4 by now, so naturally they twig out the location of the heist and the robbers show up ready for action (though they stupidly take their masks off every whip-stich, which rather defeats the purpose of wearing masks in the first place, and a little punchy-kicky from Scandal and she's free and, at long last, Warren and Dolores meet face to face and have a meet-cute (in the middle of the building that was just broken into, and I'm not sure if their estranged or subdued the actual robbers, but . . .yeah) And Nerd Love happens and Danielle, being a girl, thinks it's beautiful and in the stinger, Dallas unveils the newest Cobra security system, which Warren has already hacked and everyone has a chuckle as Dallas' bare baby-ass which is in a classified file in the security system for Christ knows what reason and oh lord, this episode is finally over 

 ANALYSIS
 God help me, I love old episodes about computer stuff written by people who are still hacking out scripts on an old Selectric or something. They are beyond bizarre and this episode does not disappoint. Computers are magic machines that can do INSANE feats of hacking and caused safes to unlock when you pointed lasers at them. No mean feat when a 14.4 modem was bleeding edge tech, huh?

 You get the idea they just read some news story about people hooking up online, bolted it not a heist story, and didn't worry overmuch about sanding down the joins. 

 Also, I can't help but get a nostalgic thrill at seeing 3.5 inch diskettes and them referring to old BBS's. In other news, I am terribly, terribly, old.  

 To the episode's credit, even though it takes plenty of "ain't nerds wacky?!" shots at Warren and Dolores and their admittedly strange relationship, at least Warren is allowed to be as competent as the usual gang (sometimes even moreso) and he doesn't seem to be malicious as much as weird and a bit Aspie. The heist doesn't make a whole lot of sense and probably should have been left off, but it's very hard to spin-kick someone who's running a denial of service script or trying to hijack a wire transfer, so sometimes logic must be sacrificed to the gods of plot when you're writing an action show.

 For all this episode is exasperating in bits (that wrap-up scene with Cobra getting hacked is about as funny as a school bus crash and goes. on. forever) it's still this wonderful time capsule from a past that never quite happened the way they knock it up here, but it has it's charms.

 DAD WISDOM/THE QUOTABLE COBRA

 "I'm sorry, this is not directory assistance for Poughkeepsie."

 "I don't care of he's the Greek god of hair growth, I'm gonna kick his butt!"

 "Listen Scandal, a lot of people aren't as comfortable with the outside world as you or I are."

 "Next time, say hello with a bullet, all right?"

 "If it makes you feel any better, it took me the better part of the morning to break in the first time."

 "This office is not your dungeon and I'm not your dragon, so tell your warthogs the Black Knight has drained the moat!"

"Be a hero and DIE a hero! Move and you're dusted!"

 "You eat more Pop Tarts and Velveeta than any human alive. And I respect that."

 "You and your 'real world!'"

 "Nice night for a major heist, eh?"

 NEXT WEEK
 Dallas wears a fake mustache, and we find out who Cobra picked before Scandal helpfully got hisself shot in the face, and wouldn't you know it, it's Street Hawk with a permed mullet. Join us in seven for this show's version of KITT fighting KARR in "Blast From The Past!"