Season 1, Episode 1: "Cobra" (Parts 1 and 2)

Featuring driving! And punching! And kicking!

SYNOPSIS

Robert "Scandal" Jackson Jr. goes AWOL from the Navy SEALS with a ridiculous mullet wig and mustache so fake it won't stay on his face and hides out in Alaska (totally not Canada) and, upon meeting one Danielle LaPoint, gets shot in the face. He gets plastic surgery (by which I mean they take the stupid wig and mustache off and shoot him in shadow for the next five minutes) and gets a pitch to join COBRA, a ruthless terrorist organization determined to rule the--oh, wait, this COBRA is actually a private security enterprise that "helps people who fall through the cracks of the justice system by targeting the perps and bringing them to justice" (the notion of The Justice System Having Failed being a meme that carried us through the entirety of genre shows in the 1980s) and which, for an organization with global reach, only really seems to consist of three people. Gruff foil Dallas Cassel completes the triad and might remind you of Principal Strickland or the captain of the aircraft carrier from Top Gun because it's the same guy. They fight crime out of Bay City (Not the Bay City from Another World, though I can see how you'd make that mistake) which is supposed to be Seattle or something, but is far too sunny and looks like Vancouver. Possibly because it is.

COBRA arranges a new identity for Scandal and fakes his death and gives him a new identity, which Scandal undercuts at every opportunity, but we're trying to set up a premise, so please forgive the clutter. We get a whole bunch more about Scandal's father--he was a cop, he loved sailing, and he may or may not have been on the take, and he drives a sweet AC red Cobra (which you may have noticed in the intro) He and Danielle have some strained chemistry, which, as this show happened post-Moonlighting means they're alternately arguing and cooly aloof to one another, as every couple did. 

Scandal is initially reluctant to join up, and one can hardly blame him, seeing as how his job interview started with him getting shot in the face. However, they tempt him with a mystery: Seems someone has been murdered in the exact same way as his father (Scandal's appreciation for the folksy, homespun wisdom of his father being something of a consistent theme) only the man who killed his father was gunned down and now people are dying with the same MO. It turns out that the local mob let by Wayne Botticelli (no, seriously)  has hired a group of PRUs (Provincial Reconnaissance Unit--badass jungle fighters) to kill people to protect his bottled water business (Wayne The Mafia has been using the water bottles to smuggle cocaine into the country--cocaine being mixed into plastic being one of those things everyone was utterly terrified of during this time) by providing clean hits (though "clean hit" seems to mean "be as obvious and as noisy as possible") and it's up to our heroes to defeat the platoon of jungle killers despite them being highly trained military operatives and them being three guys in an office.

Naturally, our heroes triumph and we have a sturdy enough premise for the next twenty episodes. More or less.

ANALYSIS

 Once upon a time there was a guy named Stephen J. Cannell, who made a lot of money writing in Hollywood, mainly because he could write fast as hell. Eventually, he became a producer (as you do) and made a pretty decent living in the 80's by producing a ton of shows (The A Team, Stingray,Hunter, Riptide--the list goes on and on) At the beginning of the 90's, with Star Trek: The Next Generation showing everyone that you could make a lot of money in first-run syndication, there was something of a gold-rush to get something one could program cheaply, run for a few seasons, and make some cash, and if they were making it Canada (this was perhaps the dying days of Canada being used as a filming tax shelter) that made their profit margins that much more attainable.

 And so, Cobra happened. Unfortunately, this genre exercise lifted straight from the 1980s had the misfortune to roll out just as first-run syndication was getting crowded (and with the advent of UPN and the WB was about to get even moreso) and so Cobra got dumped around 1 in the morning most places (shame that--it was perfect for lazy Saturday afternoons) and so, is this barely watched, hardly relevant, relic of a different age which got dropped into the wrong time (even in the early 90's most TV shows were trying a little harder than the stock conventions on display in this show) and kinda stumbled around for a season, then vanished, only to be barely remembered by anoraks like me.

 However, despite its complete and utter unremarkableness and instant irrelevancy, I have a certain weird affection for it, and hence, I find myself here writing about it. As we try to survive the next 20 weeks, hopefully that affection will sustain us both.

 HEY, IT'S THAT GUY!

 In which we identify people we've seen in other, perhaps better, stuff.

 Michael Dudikoff made a tidy sum by starring in the American Ninja movies in the 1980s, which are . . .well, they're movies with ninjas in them, apart from American Ninja 2: The Confrontation, which is one of the most perfect bad movies ever made. He has the perfect level of charisma for a show like this, as his rough charm keeps you from realizing that despite Danielle continually informing us that he's the best and he has all sorts of experience that would be germane to COBRA, he just basically blunders around kicking people in the face until the mystery of the week gets solved at five 'til.

 Allison Hossack is apparently a singer/actress in Canada. I only ever knew her from Another World, because my life is a series of shameful, inexplicable, admissions. She's . . .OK as Danielle, though her duties usually come down expositing or fretting about scandal, or acting all obtuse and angsty about her past (she's the daughter of COBRA's founder, the often namedropped though never seen Quentin Avery) and despite the fact that she's occasionally positioned as Scandal's equal or gets one up on him, spends an awful lot of time screaming and being taken hostage because apparently the memo about how it's 1993 and it's OK to try a little harder hasn't come down yet.

 James Tolkan's Dallas aso handles the exposition duties, but seems to be having a hell of a lot of fun with his character and is one of those guys who shows up in everything and you're always glad to see. Dallas occasionally gets to do some of the action stuff, though typically gets shot or incapacitated, and growls out some gruff one-liner. There's a great moment in this episode where someone quotes his "Your ego is writing cheques your body can't cash" line from Top Gun back to him and he double-takes (which is extra-weird because it's in a pretty tense scene)

 Our head bad guy, Clay, the head of the PRUs, is played by Flash Gordon hisself, Sam  J. Jones. Being that 90% of his dialogue isn't re-dubbed here, he sounds way different and doesn't do much other than look like he hates everyone he claps eyes on, he's a serviceable enough antagonist as seems to really get into playing the heavy quite a bit. He also acquits himself fairly well with the action stuff and seems pretty credible, except for when he's trying to smash Scandal's brains out with a 2 x 4. Kinda seems like a military guy would have come up with something more elaborate. He also really seems to enjoy calling people "boy," in this case pronounced "BO-AHHHHHHH"

 The music for this show was done by Saga, and the most succinct encapsulation I can give for them is that "they're Canada's other, less respectable, progressive band." However, they give it their best with all the intensity and determination of a Christmas pageant with no baby Jesus, 15 shepherds, and two Josephs which is taking place on a space ship for some reason. Bless their hearts.

 NEXT TIME

 Hey, did you ever see Point Break? You know how they were committing crimes because they were adrenaline junkies and life was boring or whatever? And Keanu Reeves was kinda getting into it to the point where his loyalties may have been in question? Well, next week, Scandal goes up against a bunch of adrenaline junkies who are bored and doing crimes and maybe Scandal gets a bit too close and his loyalties may or may not be in question in an episodes that, despite it's title, has terribly little to do with Salt N' Pepa. It's "Push It," in seven.