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Post by Prole Hole on Nov 2, 2020 11:41:39 GMT -5
To the person who ran off with my copy of MS Office: I will track you down. I will find you. You have my Word. Time for you to change your Outlook. I don't think he's gonna Excel at that.
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Post by Prole Hole on Nov 11, 2020 9:29:50 GMT -5
A neutron walks into a bar and ordered a drink. "How much?" asks the neutron. The barkeep shrugs. "For you, no charge".
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Dellarigg
AV Clubber
This is a public service announcement - with guitars
Posts: 7,497
Member is Online
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Post by Dellarigg on Nov 15, 2020 5:34:33 GMT -5
A Buddhist walks into a cocktail bar and says to the bartender, 'Hey buddy, make me one with everything.'
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Crash Test Dumbass
AV Clubber
ffc what now
Posts: 7,058
Gender (additional): mostly snacks
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Post by Crash Test Dumbass on Nov 15, 2020 10:14:09 GMT -5
A Buddhist walks into a cocktail bar and says to the bartender, 'Hey buddy, make me one with everything.' The Buddhist gives the bartender a $20 and the bartender starts walking off. "What about my change?" asks the Buddhist. The bartender replies "Change comes from within."
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Post by Ben Grimm on Nov 17, 2020 11:49:05 GMT -5
The guy who stole my diary died yesterday. My thoughts are with his family.
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Post by Prole Hole on Nov 18, 2020 10:01:27 GMT -5
Why did the chicken cross the MΓΆbius strip?
To get to the same side.
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Post by Dr. Rumak on Nov 27, 2020 12:12:56 GMT -5
Iβm giving up telling all bad jokes except for those about Thanksgiving leftovers. Iβve gone completely cold turkey.
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Post by Hugs and Hisses on Dec 3, 2020 10:17:07 GMT -5
One day, a snail went walking in the park. Suddenly, two turtles jumped out of the bushes, mugged Snail, then disappeared back into the bushes. Snail called out for help. "Help! Help!" cried Snail. Two police officers came running and said, breathlessly, "Snail, tell us what happened!" Dazed, Snail replied "It all happened so fast..."
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Post by πͺ silly buns on Dec 3, 2020 10:23:54 GMT -5
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Post by Dr. Rumak on Dec 3, 2020 19:41:57 GMT -5
A man walks into a fishmonger's store holding a salmon. "Do you make fish cakes?", the man asks the fishmonger. "Yes, of course." says the fishmonger. "Good", says the man pointing at the salmon,"because its his birthday."
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Post by Nudeviking on Dec 3, 2020 21:33:08 GMT -5
People who live outside of NYC and don't have bodegas: where do you go to buy two Diet Cokes, a roll of paper towels, and oh also lemme get some peanut butter m&ms since I'm here, why not?
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Post by πͺ silly buns on Dec 4, 2020 17:59:22 GMT -5
A man walks into a fishmonger's store holding a salmon. "Do you make fish cakes?", the man asks the fishmonger. "Yes, of course." says the fishmonger. "Good", says the man pointing at the salmon,"because its his birthday."
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Post by Ben Grimm on Dec 5, 2020 8:30:00 GMT -5
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Crash Test Dumbass
AV Clubber
ffc what now
Posts: 7,058
Gender (additional): mostly snacks
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Post by Crash Test Dumbass on Dec 7, 2020 8:49:11 GMT -5
I was admiring my ceiling the other day. It may not be the best in the world, but it's up there.
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patbat
TI Forumite
OK γ§γ γ
Posts: 2,396
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Post by patbat on Dec 11, 2020 15:59:55 GMT -5
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Post by Dr. Rumak on Dec 26, 2020 10:59:49 GMT -5
Traffic was pretty bad near the construction zone. Drivers couldn't stop looking because the workers were riveting.
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Crash Test Dumbass
AV Clubber
ffc what now
Posts: 7,058
Gender (additional): mostly snacks
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Post by Crash Test Dumbass on Jan 29, 2021 17:23:59 GMT -5
Cosmetic surgery used to be a seriously taboo topic. But now, you mention Botox, and nobody raises an eyebrow.
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Dellarigg
AV Clubber
This is a public service announcement - with guitars
Posts: 7,497
Member is Online
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Post by Dellarigg on Jan 30, 2021 15:50:38 GMT -5
A friend of mine has started drinking brake fluid. I said I didn't think that was a good idea, but he says it's fine - he can stop any time he likes.
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Post by ganews on Jan 31, 2021 19:12:51 GMT -5
What do you call a paper plane that doesn't fly?
Stationery.
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Post by Prole Hole on Feb 16, 2021 5:15:33 GMT -5
What do you call a psychic dinosaur?
Tarot-dactyl
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Post by Ben Grimm on Feb 23, 2021 19:48:10 GMT -5
"I'm fixing dinner. Do you like duckling?" "I don't know. I've never duckled."
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Post by Albert Fish Taco on Feb 24, 2021 16:06:16 GMT -5
What did Field Marshall Hindenburg say after Germany's longest WW I offensive stalled after ten months?
"OK, I think Verdun here."
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Crash Test Dumbass
AV Clubber
ffc what now
Posts: 7,058
Gender (additional): mostly snacks
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Post by Crash Test Dumbass on Feb 24, 2021 16:21:26 GMT -5
As the novice monk was being shown around the monastery, the head abbot told him "As part of your initiation rites, you will have to take a vow of silence. Every month you will be allowed no more than three words." The novice nods and they go about their monkly duties. After the first month, the novice comes up to the abbot and says "Food's bad." They nod and resume their prayers and beer-making and what have you. The next month, and the novice comes to the abbot, thinks for a minute, and says "Bed's hard." They again do whatever it is monks do when they are monking around. After the third month, the novice comes in, again taking his time to think, and says "Weather's awful." The abbot replies "I don't think you'll be a good fit for this monastery, my son. You've been here three months and all you do is complain."
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Post by Ben Grimm on Mar 1, 2021 20:47:21 GMT -5
I just heard a joke about Oedipus and Midas.
It was motherfucking gold.
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LazBro
Prolific Poster
Posts: 10,011
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Post by LazBro on Mar 2, 2021 14:34:55 GMT -5
Why haven't we planted any flowers?
Because we haven't botany.
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LazBro
Prolific Poster
Posts: 10,011
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Post by LazBro on Mar 11, 2021 8:55:09 GMT -5
Here is a joke from my daughter's Highlights magazine that cracked Mrs. Bro up.
A man walks into a library and asks the person at the front desk, "May I have a hamburger and fries?"
"Sir, this is a library," comes the reply.
"Oh, sorry." [whispers] "May I have a hamburger and fries?"
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Post by Lurky McLurk on Mar 15, 2021 9:49:07 GMT -5
What do you call Batman when he leaves church early?
Christian Bale.
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Post by πͺ silly buns on Mar 15, 2021 11:12:44 GMT -5
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Post by Prole Hole on Mar 15, 2021 11:19:55 GMT -5
What do you call someone who steals power?
A joule thief.
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Post by Lurky McLurk on Mar 15, 2021 12:17:08 GMT -5
What do you call someone who steals power? A joule thief. *sniffs, pushes up glasses* That should be someone who steals energy.
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