Nudeviking vs. Mass Effect

Had to be me. Someone else might have gotten it wrong.

Mass Effect - S01E10 - The Thorian & The Brain Fuckler


From the staircase upon which she crouched, Sloane Shepard could see a giant cyberman spaceship's claw hand grappled to the floor of the X.O. Jenny Corp building, some 90 stories up from the ground. Before the great claw hand knelt a pair of cybermen gunrunners praying to a Lite-Brite before them.


"Thou shalt have no other gods before me."

Sloane gripped her shotgun and with nerves of steel and a decided lack of religious tolerance rose from where she sat crouched and squeezed the trigger of her gun twice in rapid succession. With a resounding cry of "BOOYAH! BOOYAH!" a pair of shotgun shells screamed forward, shattering the domes of the two praying cybermen. Electronic guts sprayed across the Lite-Brite and the cybermen gunrunners crumpled in a heap.

"Mighty fine shooting Shepard," Wrex said as the trio made their way down the stairs to where the now destroyed cybermen had been worshiping.

"Thanks Wrex," she replied appreciatively, "We still need to find a way to turn off the power from this ship to shut down their force fields and shit though."

"Maybe if we could knock the ship off the side of the building it would crash down onto the pavement down in the parking lot," Tali offered.

Sloane thought it was a good idea and told Tali as much. "I think it's a good idea Tali," she said, but there was one problem. Sloane made her crewmates aware of that fact, "There's one problem," she said, and then clarifying what that problem was added, "These claws are wedged in here pretty good. We'd need some pretty heavy munitions to pry them free."

Tali nodded in agreement. "That is true, or we could just use that random garage door over there and slam it down on that one claw's arm. It could probably cut the arm in two which would cause the weight of the ship to pull it down into the parking lot," she said.

"You've clearly give this some thought," Sloane replied.

"On the floatilla we make due with what we have. My people have been using docking bay doors to cut sheet metal for generations," Tali said, "This would more or less be the same thing."

Sloane was impressed with the Qunari girl's resourcefulness and said, "Alright then, let's try Tali's idea. Worst case scenario we mess up a garage door and have to come up with another plan."

The trio made their way to the garage door opener and after some careful mathematical calculations hit the Garage Door-a-Go-Go button bringing the door in question down with a satisfying slam. The door sheered through the spaceship's arm, cleaving it cleanly from the hook hand that was grappled into the floor. There came then a terrible roar and the sound of crumbling rubble and shattering glass as the cyberman spaceship was torn away from the building under the force of its own weight. Down the ship fell, 92 stories, until it slammed into the parking lot below and shattered into a gajillion pieces, completely and utterly ruined.

A sound like "Wooooo," reverberated through the building as the power supply to the cybermen's force field failed and the force fields closed. High fives were distributed and Sloane and her crew made their way back toward the building's ground floor atrium. There in the lobby stood Miss Eliza-bit, a broad smile on her face.

"You did it!" she exclaimed cheerfully, "You got the force fields down and wrecked that cyberman spaceship. I saw it fall off the building and assumed it was your work."

Sloane folded her arms beneath her breasts and said, "You lied to me. You said you had no idea what the thorian was, but you knew exactly what it was and what X.O. Jenny Corp was using it for up in Zhu's Revenge.

"I know...I'm...I'm sorry. I didn't know initially either...none of us did, but once we figured out what the thorian was capable of I begged my supervisors to stop the experiment. It's why I got put on probation," Miss Eliza-bit said, "I'm sorry I lied to you. I thought that if you knew the truth you wouldn't want to help me...or any of us with X.O. Jenny Corp."

Sloane sighed and against her better judgement she found herself saying, "It's alright. I guess I kind of understand why you'd lie. Anyway there's probably like 90,000 cybermen still in that spaceship, so we should probably haul ass out of here before they come to and try to wreck house on us. To the space car!"

The trio plus Miss Eliza-bit hauled ass across the parking lot to the space car and jumped in. Wrex started the engine and they were off back towards the exit ramp where the X.O. Jenny Corp refugees were hiding out and a moment later, they found themselves walking down the ramp toward the camp. As they approached they heard the sound of arguing and as Sloane entered the camp she saw Just Jung, a blaster in hand bellowing, "They all know. We gotta liquidate everyone! We can't let word of this get out...X.O. Jenny Corp will be ruined forever!"

"Just Jung!" Sloane shouted, "Just calm the fuck down!"

"YOU!" Just Jung shouted at Sloane before he caught sight of Miss Eliza-bit, "AND YOU TOO! WE ARE DONE! OH WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE SUCH A FATE AS THIS?!"

Debbie was all like, "Oh it's my daughter! You found her!" but Just Jung kept right on screaming shit. "WE GOTTA KILL 'EM ALL! NO ONE NEEDS TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENED HERE!"

Well, let me tell you, Sloane Shepard had had just about enough of that and she said to him, "Just Jung, are you gonna stand there all day flapping your gums or are you going to use that sidearm? Just Jung hemmed and hawed a moment before raising the gun, Ol' Sloane Shepard was the fastest draw on Feros and before Just Jung could even think about laser blasting her, Sloane had drawn her piece and with a resounding "BOOYAH!" put a shotgun shell inside that wily Just Jung's head. Old Lady Debbie was none too pleased, believe you me, but she let it slide on account of Sloane having just saved her daughter and all.

With the entire Just Jung situation resolved Sloane got down to brass tacks and said, "Alright, I'm going back to Zhu's Revenge and I'm going to wreck house on that goddamn thorian thing so I can save all the humanoids."

Debbie replied with, "Save all the humanoids?! You'll need this nerve gas then to knock them the fuck out, otherwise the thorian's mind control powers will turn them into a zombie wrecking crew and they will totally be gunning for your ass!"

"Yeah, I'd rather not kill them, so I'm much obliged for the nerve gas ma'am!" Sloane said and took the nerve gas, "Any idea on where the thorian actually is?"

Debbie hemmed and hawed a moment before saying, "Well...it's pretty much spread across the entire planet, but we think there's an entrance to its lair somewhere near Zhu's Revenge...maybe."

Maybe? Great...just great. It was going to be a rough road ahead.

Commercial Break


"Jesus Tittyfucking Christ! What is that thing?!" Sloane exclaimed as a shambling man-type thing emerged from the rubble outside the Zhu's Revenge parking garage. Whatever it was, it certainly didn't deserve to live. Sloane pressed a button and the space car's guns whirred to life and a hail of bullets tore the man-type thing to shreds. With the man-type thing's shit totally ruined, Sloane and her buddies got out of the space car.

"You don't think the thorian did that do you?" Wrex asked, "You know, turned one of the settlers into that?"

"I think the thorian was involved, but I don't think that thing was a settler," Sloane said as she eyed the heap of plant sludge that had been the vaguely man-type thing moments earlier, "Get your guns ready guys. We're going to have our work cut out for us."

Sloane hit the control panel and the garage door opened revealing more man-type things as well as several colonists armed with small arms. For a brief moment Sloane thought that the colonists were fighting the man-type things, but that theory was quickly shattered when a laser blast grazed her arm. "Take out the man-type things!" she shouted, "I'll deal with the colonists."

Wrex and Tali opened fire on the man-type things while Sloane pulled a grenade from her belt and charged towards the colonists' position.



Dodging heavy fire and creeping man-type things, Sloane pulled the pin on the grenade and tossed it at the colonists. There was an explosion and nerve gas filled the garage. The colonists collapsed in a heap of unconsciousness and the trio of Sloane, Wrex and Tali power jammed it into Zhu's Revenge. More man-type things assailed them as brainwashed settlers shot guns at them. It was horrible. Sloane threw grenade after grenade, but they either missed the mark or didn't explode. She worried that she'd run out of grenades long before she discovered wherever the entrance to the thorian's lair was.

Suddenly it dawned on her. The entrance was underneath that one spaceship that had conveniently been placed in the center of the camp. The thorian knew its shit, she had to give it that. There was a loader that would be able to move the spaceship if she could only get to it. She blasted down a pair of man-type things and headed towards the loader control panel. Settlers wielding guns got all up in her piece and Sloane threw her last grenade. The gun wielding settlers collapsed on the ground and as Sloane dashed towards the control panel she hoped it would be the last group of colonists she encountered.

Sloane crossed the remaining distance to the panel but the moment she attempted to initiate spaceship moving procedures a shot rang out. There in the distance a nameless colonist stood holding a laser gun. Sloane didn't want to kill the hapless woman and charged forward towards her, and hit her in the face with the butt of her shotgun. The woman's head snapped back and as she fell her head slammed into a space steel space crate with a stomach turning crack! She was dead before she even hit the ground.

Shrugging her shoulders Sloane returned to the control panel. One dead out of sixteen wasn't terrible, and the woman in question didn't even have a name as far as Sloane could tell. Just an anonymous foe on the field of battle. She punched in the operation commands into the control panel and the loader hoisted the spaceship out of the way to reveal a tunnel.

"Looks like that's the entrance to the thorian's lair!" Tali said as she hopped up and down excitedly.

A man's voice muttered, "I tried...I tried so hard to fight it...you don't know what it's like to have this thing...this thing in your head." Sloane turned and saw Doug Zhu, blaster in hand, walking slowly toward her. "It wants me to...to kill you...I can't! I won't!" Doug Zhu screamed and then placed the laser blaster in his mouth and pulled the trigger. The back of his head exploded and brain junk went flying all over Zhu's Revenge.

Sloane shook her head in disgust at what she had just seen. The thorian had to die. There was no other option. She looked to Wrex and Tali and said with conviction, "Okay guys, let's stop this goddamn thorian before anyone else Budd Dwyers themselves!"

Commercial Break


Down into the lair the trio of Sloane, Wrex and Tali crept. It was as silent as a crypt and Sloane was filled with great unease. Down deeper and deeper into the bowels of Zhu's Revenge they went. They came at last upon a large chamber in the center of which hung a disgusting Lovercraftian horror. It had to be the thorian. The disgusting thing suddenly convulsed and from its mouthgina emerged an Asari only this one seemed to be off model since her skin was a putrid shade of green rather than the usual bluish hue the Asari possessed.

"Join with us and learn the secrets of the universe," the Asari said.

"Fuck that noise!" Sloane shouted, "This thing needs to die!"

She whipped out her shotgun and blasted the thorian, but the vile plant seemed unaffected by the bullets. The Asari woman smirked and as she drew her gun said, "Fine have it your way."

A swarm of man-type things swarmed out of wherever it was they had been lurking and got all up in Sloane's area. "BOOYAH! BOOYAH!" her shotgun screamed, causing the man-type things to be ripped asunder. Even with a greenskinned Asari bionic helping them, the man-type things were no match for Sloane's Wrecking Crew. The center chamber was once again empty save for the shambling mound that was the thorian.

"Bullets don't seem to have any effect on it," Sloane said, "Any ideas?"

"We could cut its arms off and cause it to drop down into that pit there," Tali said, "Like we did with the cyberman spaceship."

Sloane glanced down into the pit. It seemed pretty deep and there appeared to be a mess of lava or maybe magma down at the bottom of the pit. "Tali, it worked last time, so I suppose it can't hurt to try again," Sloane answered. She glanced up at that tentacle-like arms that the thorian had extended to the walls, aimed her shotgun at one of them and blasted.

The thorian howled in agony and the damaged arm dropped from the wall and hung limply beside the creature's bloated body. A moment of excitement swept over Sloane. Tali's plan might actually work again. She aimed at another arm and with a resounding, "BOOYAH! BOOYAH!" from her shotgun fired at it. This arm, too, slammed down onto the ground, completely useless. Once more the thorian howled, and this time the howl brought with it another greenskinned Asari and a whole mess of man-type things.

"IT'S BATTLE TIME! TAKE UP DEFENSIVE POSITIONS GUYS!" Sloane shouted as she ducked behind a pillar and began unloading on man-type things with her shot gun.

Again the trio wrecked house on the man-type things and proceeded to shoot out another thorian arm. And again the great plant beast howled and summoned more defenders that Sloane and her posse wrecked so much house upon. Over and over the space heroes and the vile telepathic plant monster repeat this dance of destruction, until but a single arm remained affixing the monster to the wall. Sloane smirked and with one final "BOOYAH!" from her shotgun blasted the fuck out of the thorian's arm. The plant monster screamed as it plummeted into the lava pit it had decided to hang directly over. Minutes later there was a splash followed by a roar as flames engulfed the thorian.

"Pshew...Seville will never get his grubby hands on that stupid telepathic plant now," Sloane said, "That's a huge relief."

"But what of the cost? The thorian lived for more than 50,000 years...it has seen things that no other living thing has seen," a lady's voice said. Sloane turned to see an asari woman who looked surprisingly like the greenskinned assassin emerge from a cocoon. This one, however, was the proper shade of blue that was the norm amongst her people. "I was a part of the thorian for but a brief moment, but the things I saw...the knowledge I gleaned...it was incredible."

"Who are you?" Sloan asked.

"My name is Shiala and I was sent here to treat with the thorian by Seville," the woman said.

"Seville?! That guy is the absolutely worst!" Sloane shouted and reached for her shotgun.

"I know that now. I followed my Matriarch, Matriarch Boob Witch, into his service. She had believed that she could convince him to go down another path, but he has a spaceship...it is a very charismatic spaceship and soon Boob Witch and I were held in thrall to Seville the Terrarium," Shiala said, "When he learned of the thorian I was sent her to brain fuck it and learn whatever it knew about Ancient Aliens but the thorian was far more powerful than I could have ever imagined and well...you saw the results." She motioned toward the greenskinned clones of herself that littered the hall.

"So you know about Ancient Aliens now?" Sloane asked, "I had this crazy vision when I touched an Ancient Alien beacon that I can't make heads or tails of."

"The thorian probably could have helped you, but you sent it down into a lava pit so that's out of the question," Shiala said.

"Fuck..."

"There is another way," Shiala said, "You and I could brain fuck. I have absorbed much of the thorian's knowledge from my time spent joined to it. I could pass this knowledge on to you in much the same way."

"Why would you do that?" Sloane asked.

Shiala sighed and replied, "I have done much evil since falling to Seville's charms and have much to do to atone for my mistakes. Helping you would be a start and besides, you are not entirely unattractive as far as your species goes."

Sloane felt her cheeks redden and she said, "Alright, let's do it. How does this even work? Are you going to think poorly of me if I don't take you out to dinner first? Should I send those two away?"

"No. Just relax. Open your mind to the wisdom of the ages. Let yourself go. Let the knowledge fill you."

GORE! ROBOTS! PAIN! CIRCUITRY! TEETH! NUKES! DEATH!



The entire thing played out like a scene from Tetsuo: The Iron Man in her head and Sloane went pale and felt her knees go weak. "What was that?" she asked, on the verge of tears.

"That was the entire history of the Ancient Aliens," Shiala said, "You know everything they as a people once knew. It will take time to make sense of it all to be certain, but it will come."

"I didn't like it. I feel like I should probably go back to my spaceship now and take a shower. What about you? What are you going to do now that you're not in a cocoon anymore?" Sloane asked.

"I will stay here and help the settlers rebuild however I can," Shiala said.

"Sounds good," replied Sloane, "Okay guys, let's get back to the Normandy."

The trio turned to exit the thorian's lair and as they walked away Sloane couldn't help but feel a little strange, not only because of the disgusting body horror that now filled her brain. She was certain that she had never found Asari women to be attractive before, but now she wasn't certain. Had Shiala done something to her when she brain fuckled Sloane to make her notice how pretty Asari eyes were? Was it because of the brain fuckling that she now had a strange desire to go watch the dancers of Chandra's Den? As she made her way back to the ship, she prayed that whatever it was it would soon pass.

That's the next installment actually.

I wouldn't mind it if it were easier to compare the different crew members' gear.  Dragon Age Origins had a similar amount of gear to organize but allowed you to scroll through the entire party's equipment when you were in camp which made it easier to compare and contrast.

Chapter 12: Mass Effect - S01E12 - Big Business


"Captain's Log...Stardate October 54,3403. We are traveling to the business planet of Noveria to investigate claims of geth interest in the colony there. Noveria is a privately own colony outside of Citadel space, and very protective of their customers' privacy. It is therefore doubtful the authority there will be particularly forthcoming with information regarding the geth interests there," Sloane said. She paused a moment before adding, "Confidential Captain's Log...Stardate October 54, 3403. Dear Diary, I think there's something wrong with my brain. Ever since Liara brain fuckled me in the conference room I can't stop thinking about her. Like I'm literally thinking about her right now. I'm almost certain that before I got brain fuckled I actively disliked her, but now I'm not so sure..."

Joker's booming voice resounded over the ship's intercom, "Cap'n were approaching Noveria and I'm running into a little trouble here. They say we don't have the authorization to dock. Is it cool if play the 'I'm carrying a Spectre you fucks' card?"

Sloane quickly shut off her recorder and answered, "Sure thing Joker. I mean what's the point of me being a Spectre if the people I know can't use it to get landing authorizations or free movie tickets right?"

"You know it Cap'n."

The intercom clicked off and Sloane put her recorder away under her bed and got into her battle armor. Whatever Joker had said to the air traffic control tower must have worked because the ship began its landing procedure and soon she, Tali, and Liara were in the airlock waiting for the internal pressure to match the external atmosphere. Tali glanced at Liara and glanced back at Sloane and shrugged as if to ask, "What's she doing here?" Sloane returned the shrug, thus silently stating, "I am uncertain why she is here either okay."

The airlock hissed open like a goddamn snake and the shore party made their way out onto Noveria. Almost instantly they were hit with a blast of frigid wind. So cold was it that even Tali, in a goddamn environmental suit, could feel the effects of it. "Winter loses its charm pretty quickly," the Qunari woman said as the cold wind bit into her environmental suit. Sloane agreed.

The trio of women made their way around a corner when they were suddenly confronted by a trio of laserblaster wielding guards. "Not another fuckin' step," one of them, a surly looking blonde woman shouted, "Drop your fuckin' blasters and identify yourselves."

"My name's Shepard, I'm a Spectre, and if you want me to put down my blasters you're going to have to make me," Sloane spat back haughtily and both parties drew their guns and aimed them.

"Look let's not make a thing out of it. We just need to verify who you are," another guard offered trying to defuse the situation, "Firearms aren't allowed in Port Hanshan so why not at least lower your blasters while we check your credentials?"

"I'd prefer not to," Sloane said, "You can check my credentials while I hold my shotgun can't you?"

The guard grit her teeth in an angry grimace. The tension was tangible and neither side wanted to be the one to blink. Suddenly a voice shouted over the intercom, "Captain Matsuo, stand down! Shepard's identity checks out with the citadel. Let her and her party into the city."

The guards lowered their laserblasters and one of them said, "You're free to enter Shepard, but don't think for a second that we don't have our eyes on you."

Sloane shrugged and muttered, "Whatever," and then made her way past them and up a set of stairs. Suddenly klaxons blared and sirens screamed. "JESUS TITTY FUCKING CHRIST WHAT IS GOING ON?!" she shouted nervously.

"Oh don't worry about that," a lady behind a desk said, "That's just the gun detector, but you three are fine. My name is Parasini. I'm the administrative assistant to Administrator Anasshole. What brings you to Noveria?"

"We got word that the cybermen have expressed interest in coming here to Noveria and need to investigate," Sloane replied.

Parasini scratched her chin and said, "No...no cybermen that I can remember. The only person to have arrived in the past few weeks was a Asari matriarch."

"Matriarch Boob Witch?" Sloane asked in disbelief.

"That sounds right," Parasini said, "Give me a second...yes, Matriarch Boob Witch. She came with a crew of bodyguards. She'd been placed on the approved visitor list by a high ranking executive with one of the companies that does business here, a Mister Seville vouched for her."

"My mother was here?" Liara asked in disbelief, "Is she still here?"

"Hold on...yup, up on Peak 15," Parasini said.

"How can we get to Peak 15?" Sloane asked.

"Well everyone needs to get approval from Administrator Anasshole to leave the Port, so you'd need to talk to him first," Parasini replied, "but I right now all flights are grounded because of the weather, and the roads are closed. Sorry Spectre."

As Sloane and her crew stepped into the elevator she knew that she'd have to find a way to get out of Port Hanshan. She'd been expecting cybermen, but Matriarch Boob Witch? Her prey just got a whole lot bigger and a whole lot more dangerous.

Commercial Break


Administrator Anasshole was a smarmy motherfucker. The devil looking motherfucker glared at Sloane and shook his head, "No. You can't have permission to go snooping around outside the Port, Spectre. Even if there wasn't a terrible blizzard, I couldn't allow it. Our customers pay us for our dedication to privacy and I doubt it very much that they would appreciate a Spectre poking around in their business. Now if you'll excuse me, talking to you is costing me 12 credits a second..." The devil alien waved her away and then returned to his glowing, transparent Power Glove and began punching in keycodes and commands.

Sloane muttered, "Fuckin' jerkass," under her breath and then to her companions declared, "I need a drink. Let's go find a bar."

Sloane was in a black mood as she, Tali and Liara rode the lift up to the hotel bar (apparently the only place to drink in the entire port) and the pounding dubstep that throbbed at such high volumes as the be audible from within the lift as it ascended did little to lighten that mood.

The doors to the lift slid open and Sloane and her companions entered the bar. As she crossed the room toward the barman at the opposite end, a Terrarium stopped her with a cheery greeting, "Top o' the morning to ya lassie."

"Umm...do I know you?" Sloane asked.

"Probably not, but everyone knows you Spectre Shepard. Allow me to introduce meself. Me name's Lorik Qui'in and I have a proposition for you."

"Look pal, I'm not that kind of girl alright."

The Terrarium laughed and said, "No, no...nothing like that. I heard you are trying to get out of Port Hanshan and need a garage pass but Administrator Anasshole wouldn't issue you one. I have one that I'd be willing to lend you if you were to do a favor for me."

"What's this favor?" Sloane asked cautiously.

"I'm sure you've probably figured it out already but Administrator Anasshole is corrupt as fuck. I run on of the companies here in town, Synthetic Insights, and I've got evidence against Anasshole and his goons on my work station comp," Lorik said as he sipped his booze, "The only problem is Anasshole's ordered SI to be locked down. I know he's got his goons in there searching for the data and I can't get in to do anything about it. You, being a Spectre, could."

"Okay, I'll do it."

"Great, so once you get in just slide this USB into my work station comp. The runtime program will locate the hidden files and copy them over to this USB as encrypted files," the Terrarium said, "Anasshole's goons might give you some trouble. I don't care if you fight, just try and keep the bloodstains off the carpeting."

Sloane pocketed the USB and asked, "Any idea on who these goons are?"

"Cops on the take mostly."

Sloane nodded and told Lorik to hold tight while she took care of business. She and her posse walked back towards the elevator and as it rumbled down to the ground floor, Sloane found herself hoping that the corrupt cops would be the assholes from the docks who tried to take away her shotgun. How sweet it would be to blast the shit out of those assholes?

Commercial Break


Sloane and her crew strolled across town to the Synthetic Insights offices and into the building a pair of guards accosted her almost instantly. "Who the fuck are you?" one of the Hanshan cops shouted, his voice a hardon of rage.

"I'm a Spectre here on official business," she said calmly, "why don't you guys take five?"

Sloane's cool, calm demeanor did the trick for the cops shrugged, and one of them muttered, "I don't get paid enough for this shit," before the two of them exited.

"That was a lot easier than I thought it was going to be," Tali said as the door slid shut behind the cops, but before Sloane could say anything a blast of laser blast blasted nearby. So much for easy!

Shots rang out as Hanshan cops on the take fired at Sloane and her ladyfriends, but the trio of Sloane, Tali, and Liara were some stone cold killers. The twin shotguns of Tali and Sloane screamed "BOOYAH! BOOYAH!" while Liara tossed cops about as if they were dolls with her bionic powers. It wasn't long before the lower level of the SI building was a mess of dead and dying Hanshan cops and knocked over office furniture. Lorik would be pleased that the bloodshed had been kept to a minimum.

"Let's go find that work station comp," Sloane said as she and her crew made their way upstairs. The found Lorik's office easily enough at the end of the corridor. Sloane handed the USB to Tali and said, "You take care of this Tali, you're a lot better at computers than I am."

"Sure thing Shepard," the Qunari woman replied as she inserted the USB and began entering override codes into her glowing Power Glove. "The data is copying now," Tali said, "It should be done in a minute."

Sloane nodded and looked back towards the door. "Did you hear that Liara?" she asked, "It sounds like someone is downstairs."

The Asari woman shook her head and said, "No, Shepard, I'm sorry I didn't hear anything."

"It's probably nothing."

There was a beep from the work station and Tali pulled the USB and pocketed it. "All finished," she said, "Let's get out of here."

The three women walked out of Lorik's office right into a gang of Hanshan cops led by the horrible blonde woman from the docks. "What have we got here?" she said, "I mean besides a couple cop killers...Lorik send you? Ask you to pick up some data for him? I'm afraid we can't let you walk out of here with that. I'm not going to spaceprison for some shit like this!"



The blonde woman and her fellow cops on the take drew their weapons but before they could fire, Sloane and Tali blasted two of the them in the head with blasts from their shot gun while Liara space magicked the fuck out of the remaining cops. More dead cops heaped up on the floor of the Synthetic Insights building. Lorik was going to be pissed. There was blood and gore all over the goddamn place now, but they had the data he needed so he couldn't complain all that much.

"Let's get out of here before more cops show up," Sloane said as she surveyed the carnage.

Liara and Tali agreed and the trio beat a hasty retreat, but as they exited the building they were confronted by Parasini. "I heard a ruckus in there. Was that you?"

"Um...yeah there was some unexpected trouble," Sloane said.

"Never mind. I know why you were in there. Lorik asked you to retrieve some data yes? Before you hand it over to him, come talk to me in the bar okay?"

"Alright I guess."

---

That evening Sloane found herself in the bar, the USB containing Lorik's data in her pocket. She spied Parasini from across the room and approached the tan woman uneasily. Something was not entirely right with her. Parasini spotted her and smiled. "Ah Shepard, come!"

"What's this all about?"

Parasini folded her hands in her lap and glanced about nervously a moment before saying, "I wasn't entirely honest with you. I'm not really Administrator Anasshole's secretary...well I am, but I'm not. The Board of Directors is not happy with him so I was sent to spy on him. He's hella corrupt but I couldn't get any hard evidence. The Board wants to remove him and his cronies, but won't act without hard proof."

"So you want Lorik's data."

"So I want Lorik's data."

"Why would the Board want him out? I thought everyone here was corrupt. Isn't that like...your deal as a planet? Like Earth is the garbage planet. Hoth is the ice planet. Noveria is the corruption planet."

Parasini laughed and said, "Even the corruption planet has its limits, and when the corruption starts seriously cutting into profit margins the Board of Directors consider those limits to be exceeded. The rule here is 'don't rock the boat,' but Anasshole seems to have forgotten that and is scaring off customers with crazy rent prices and insane 'special taxes.'"

Sloane looked around the bar and said, "Alright. Let me think about it."

Parasini looked disappointed and said, "Don't take too long to think it over. Anasshole's goons have already discovered what happened at SI and it won't be long before they figure out what was taken and moreover who took it."

"Thanks for the warning," Sloane said and then headed back across the bar to where the Terrarium, Lorik, sat.

"Commander Shepard! I'm glad to see you again," he said in that jolly way that only a drunk Terrarium can, "You have something for me no?"

Sloane nodded and said, "I do. There's just one problem. The Board of Directors is investigating Anasshole. They want to prosecute him for corruption...get him out of office for good, but..."

"But they need my evidence," Lorik said with a sigh, "Look I don't care who's in power here, I just want to get back to work. If I hang this data over Anasshole's head I figure that will be enough...maybe I'll even get a few credits out of it in a payoff too."

Sloane took a gamble and said, "Look I know it's probably easier just to blackmail the dude, but if you help the Board of Directors do this you'll be a hero." The dice were rolling in her head.

"Oh fine. I'll help them," Lorik said, "I don't know about you Spectre Shepard...you have a way of convincing people to do things they really don't want to do. Come take me to talk to that agent then. Ah and before I forget here's the garage pass I promised."

He handed Sloane a keycard with the SI logo embedded upon it that she placed in her pocket before leading him over to where Parasini sat. "He's decided to help," Sloane said as she introduced Lorik to the undercover agent.

"Excellent!" Parasini said with a smile.

---

"You can't do this to me!" Administrator Anasshole shouted impotently as Port Hanshan cops hauled him out of his office, "You bitch! You can't do this to me! Do you know who I am?!"

"Someone shut him up," Parasini said, "Christ Jesus does he have an annoying voice."

"With pleasure ma'am!" one of the cops said before delivering a swift punch to the devil alien's gut.

The tan woman then turned to Shepard and said, "Thanks Shepard, I couldn't have caught that asshole without your help. I'll buy you beer the next time I see you alright?"

"Yeah sure."

"See you around Shepard," Parasini said before heading off after former Administrator Anasshole.

With that all out of the way it was time to head up to the garage, jump in a space car and make their way to Peak 15...it was going to suck!

Mass Effect - S01E14 - Peak 15 II: Peaks & Freaks

The Tram Depot of the Rift Station was surprisingly quiet. There were no xenomorphs or cybermen to be seen and not even the slightest inkling of a Boob Witch. Sloane and her crew made their way around the corner saw an elevator. As it was seemingly the only way to go, Sloane, Tali, and Liara boarded the lift and pressed the button. The lift rumbled upwards and a moment later the elevator was all like, "Yo this floor is the Science Station. Everybody out for Science!"

Sloane stepped out of the elevator and was confronted by a battle hardened space marine. "Oi, who are you?" he asked.

"I'm Sloane Shepard...I'm a Spectre. What's going on here?"

"The fuck if I know. Alls I know is these goddamn aliens are running roughshod on our mens. I've done the best I've could, but there have been hecka casualties."

"I understand Captain..."

"Ventralis."

"Ventralis. I fought some of those things down in the other building when I was getting VI back online. They're no joke."

"That was you who got VI back online?" Ventralis asked, "I guess I should thank you. Things would have gotten pretty shitty if VI remained offline much longer. Listen, you seem like a lady who knows how to get results and isn't afraid of getting in some shit. There's a heap of those fuckin' alien fucks down in the hot labs. We've got the place locked down, but we're going to have to deal with them sooner or later. Why don't you take this keycard to get into the hot labs and wreck house on 'em?"

"Alright mang, I'll look into it as soon as I find the asari matriarch."

"The one with the tits?"

"That's the one."

"Yeah, she's in here somewhere, though I haven't seen her in a couple days, but then again I've been kind of busy if you know what I mean," Ventralis said. Suddenly and quite without warning a huge, hulking xenomorph appeared. Ventralis screamed an oath and readied his blaster and Sloane followed suit. They made short work of the xenomorph.

"These fuckin' things. They keep charging our barricade and keep getting their shit ruined. You'd think they'd have figured it out by now," Ventralis said as he kicked the dead xenomorph with a boot clad toe, "Anyway I've gotta man the barricade. We'd appreciate your help with this fuckin' alien problem. Like I said, they're camped out down in the hot labs."

"Okay," Sloane said and then headed into the Science Station. Behind her she heard Ventralis mutter an uncouth oath.

Sloane shrugged it off and made her way into the mess hall. There were a mess of people in the mess hall, all of them clearly showing the signs of stress. Some, the soldiers chief among them, were clearly just overtired. There was a certain Asari science lady, though who was just rude as shit for no goddamn reason. Sloane wanted to choke the life out of her, but decided against it and instead made her way into the medical bay. A heap of people who seemed to be on death's door were all dying and shit in hospital beds while a real egghead looking science motherfucker watched over them.

The egghead looking science motherfucker looked up as Sloane entered and asked, "Who are you?"

"The name's Shepard...Sloane Shepard. I'm a Spectre."

"A Spectre?! Maybe you could help me then. My name is Doctor Zev Cohen and these people are crazy sick."

"You're a doctor what could I do that you couldn't?"

"I'm a doctor of biochemical engineering not medicine...I guess I really shouldn't introduce myself as 'doctor' when I'm standing in a medical bay asking for help should I? Anyway, these people were all sickened by an experiment gone awry...I'm really not at liberty to divulge anymore. Oh I did not think this through at all..."

"Doc, I don't give two shits about or understand the concepts behind any of the experiments that are going on in this lab. I'm just a bionic lesbian with a shotgun and a pretty nice haircut," Sloane said smoothly.

"Oh, alright. We were researching a bio-weapon down in the labs, and there was a breach in the containment vessel so all these scientists got laid out," the doctor said.

"You don't have an antidote for this crazy bio-weapon you made?" Sloane asked in disbelief, "That's pretty dumb of you."

"We have a formula, but we never mixed any, and the formula is on the secure computer down in the lab so I can't access it from here," Doctor Cohen said.

"Dumbass science dudes," Sloane thought to herself before saying, "Why not go down into the lab then and get it?"

"Well..." Doctor Cohen said, "Captain Ventralis won't allow anyone to go into the labs to manufacture the cure. He thinks that the bio-weapon is still active, but I'm certain that the agent has only a brief period during which it's viable so whatever contaminant was in the lab is totally safe now. You're a Spectre...you guys can do whatever you want so maybe he'll make an exception for you."

"Oh fine..." Sloane said. Being a Spectre kind of sucked. It basically boiled down to a bunch of people asking her to do things that they were too lazy to do themselves and if she told them to go fuck themselves they were like, "You're letting humanity down and shit," and so Sloane went back out to see Ventralis and told him what was up.

Ventralis was all like, "Well, it's probably still poison down there, so we'll let you down, but we're locking the door until a scan comes back negative and we know you won't bring bio-weapon poison up here into camp."

"That's fair," Sloane said and Ventralis handed her a bio-weapon lab pass.

Commercial Break


Sloane watched as Liara, huddled over a chemistry set, mixed several vials of compounds and reagents together. "Stop staring at her ass. Stop staring at her ass," Sloane thought to herself as she stared at the Asari scientist's shapely ass clad in revealing science nerd pants. That brain fuckling had really done a number on her brain.

"That should do it," Liara said holding aloft a potion that, if the formula was correct, would cure the sickness the bio-weapon had caused among the scientists.

The Asari's words broke the trance her ass had placed Sloane in and Sloane nodded slowly before saying, "Awesome. Let's get the F out of here."

But before they could get the F out of there the door to the lab opened. Sloane wheeled around and saw a pair of Asari and a cyberman. One of the Asari she recognized as the Asari science lady who had been rude as shit for no goddamn reason from up in the mess hall. All three had laserguns out and were ready to bang.

"Fuck. Now I know why you were all rude and shit when I asked if you knew Matriarch Boob Witch," Sloane said, "You're working for her!"

"Christ you're dumb. You just realized that now? I was all panicked that I'd overdone it and you were going to gun me down right there," the rude as shit for no goddamn reason Asari science lady said, "Well, thank gods for that because Matriarch Boob Witch is safe and sound in the secure labs and instead of you gunning me down it's going to be me gunning you...UGGGGGGG!"

With a resounding "BOOYAH!" Sloane's shotgun tore a hole through the rude as shit for no goddamn reason Asari science lady's middle, spilling her guts all over the place. Before the body even hit the floor, Liara space magicked the shit out of the remaining Asari, ripping the gun toting Asari commando in two. As for the cyberman, well believe you me, that little Qunari machinist, Tali was like a house afire the way she shotgunned the gears right out of that ol' cyberman's gearbox. A quick victory dance later, the trio of ladies made their way back to the medical bay.

Doctor Cohen (not a medical doctor) was please as punch to see them with the antidote to the bio-weapon, but somewhat less pleased to hear about that rude as shit for no goddamn reason Asari science lady's treachery. "That's some dastardly shit right there my mang," he said, "You have my thanks for this antidote. We lost enough good science dudes and dudines to those damn xenomorphs already...and off the record, I hope you find that Boob Witch lady and give her what's coming to her!"

"Thanks Doc," Sloane said, and then she and her crew made their way out of the medical bay. They would need to get to the secure labs and stop her before it was too late. Luckily for her, a mole man scientist in the mess hall was all like, "There's a secret entrance to the secure labs through the service tunnels."

So that is precisely what Sloane and her party did; went through the service tunnels. They were your standard issue ice cave tunnels. Nothing too fancy or ostentatious, just good solid ice, some rocks, a couple icicles for panache. It wasn't long until Sloane and company found themselves standing before a door beneath a sign with an image of a glowing Erlenmeyer flask. Clearly it was the point of no return...and all Sloane could think about was how good Liara's butt looked in those science pants. The door slid open...

A stately Asari woman with an unreal bosom stood beside a large tank that housed a massive xenomorph on the platform that hung in the center of the lab. Sloane knew from the boobitude of the woman that she was without a doubt, Matriarch Boob Witch, also because Liara said, "Mother," in that adorable monotone voice she had when they entered the room. The bosomy Asari woman was talking, but Sloane was so not paying attention. Her attention was fixed on those boobs, and then suddenly, Sloane realized she couldn't move.

"Fuck," Sloane thought to herself, "Space magicked again."

Matriarch Boob Witch had obviously cast Stasis or some shit that wasn't Barrier or Throw (the only two space magic spells Sloane felt comfortable casting), so there was nothing to do but sit tight. As Sloane stood there immobile she realized that when the space magic wore off a fight was going to go down and they were going to have to gun down Liara's mom with Liara present. Sloane suddenly regretted thinking with her loins when deciding who to take with her on to Naveria. She herself had never known her parents but imagined having to gun them down would probably suck a lot. She should have taken Wrex instead...or Ashley.

The magic suddenly dissipated and was replaced by good old fashioned laser blasts and bionics. They were under attack by a pair of Asari commandos, but they got dropped like pigeon shit by a couple well placed shotgun blasts. "BOOYAH! BOOYAH!" With the commandos down and done, Sloane took aim and put Matriarch Boob Witch on blast, but she seemed to be impervious to shotgun blasts, regardless of how wicked the scream of "BOOYAH!" from her shotgun was.

Suddenly there were more goddamn lasers. Another commando and a couple cybermen entered the fray. There were lasers and bullets and space magic happening all over the place. It was a killer scene. Boob Witch's minions were myriad, and each time one dropped another would rush out from some hiding hole to take its place, but punk mark busters can't handle a wicked shotgun and soon enough all the minions that stepped to Sloane had their shit wrecked until Boob Witch stood alone.

She looked tired. Stacked as fuck but tired. "I tried to do the right thing...but it was too strong...too charismatic," Matriarch Boob Witch said.

"Seville?"

"No, Seville's spaceship, Sovereign. That spaceship is charismatic as fuck...it just gets in your head and you can't get it out," the busty Asari replied.

"What did Seville want with the xenomorphs?" Sloane asked, "That's why you're here isn't it?"

"The Mu Relay...it was lost eons ago, but the xenomorphs knew of it's location and so I was sent here to ask them where it was," she replied. Boob Witch's face suddenly contorted in a grimace, "AW FUCK...THE SPACESHIP'S CHARISMA IS ALL UP IN MY BRAIN! IT'S BRAIN FUCKLING ME FROM AFAR!"

"Mother," Liara said nonchalantly.

The words seemed to break the thrall the charismatic spaceship held Boob Witch in, if only for a moment and she continued, "The xenomorphs have a hivemind so all knowledge is passed down from one queen to the next across the eons, so this queen, though she is but a few months old, would know precisely where the Mu Relay was located."

"I don't know what a Mu Relay is," Sloane said, because she did not have any idea what Boob Witch was talking about, "but if Seville wants it then I'm going to make sure he never fucking finds it!"

"ARRRRRG!" Boob Witch screamed in agony as a very charismatic spaceship took control of her mind and caused her to attack her daughter and her daughter's friends.

But shotguns are hella tough and shotguns in the hands of a stone cold killer like Sloane Shepard they're super hella tough. Boob Witch's shit got wrecked in a couple seconds. As she breathed her last dying breath, Boob Witch said, "Liara, you are the best thing I ever created in the history of all the stuff I ever created. I was always proud of you. Sorry you couldn't be proud of me," and then she died. Sloane and Tali wasted no time in high fiving before they did crotch chops in the general direction of the recently shotgun blasted Boob Witch's.


But Sloane then realized, "Oh fuck, that's Liara's mom. I really shouldn't do crotch chops in her general direction..." and as she turned toward Liara to apologize, one of the dead Asari commandos suddenly stood up and zombie-walked towards the tank on the platform which housed the massive xenomorph that Boob Witch's moment of clarity plot dump had revealed to be a xenomorph queen.

The dead body's hurked and jerked into position and then opened it's mouth as a creepy voice filled the room. "Hello."

Commercial Break


"Who are you?" Sloane asked the dead Asari that had just recently crossed the room and begun to speak.

"I am the mother, but my children were taken from be before they learned how to sing. They are angry, confused. They are teeth and claws that know nothing of the song," the creepy voice said before bursting into song.


"That is what I wish," the creepy voice said through its Asari corpse puppet, "but the decision rests in your hands. You can free me, so I can sing the song once more and teach my children a song of peace, or you can end the song forever, here in this cold soundless place."

Sloane pondered it for a moment scratching her chin. "Well, I do like a good jam...okay, I'll let you out of there, but you have to promise not to rip me apart the second that I do. I've just killed a heap of commandos and cybermen and Matriarch Boob Witch, so my trigger finger's a little bit sore right now.

The meat puppet's mouth moved erratically as the creepy voice of the xenomorph queen intoned, "Agreed, but you must promise me one thing too. My lost children...find them and destroy them. If they live they will continue to hurt others and will bring about discordance again. I do not wish to lose the song forever."

"Alright, we'll drop a nuke down into the hot labs before we get out of here. That should do the trick right?" Sloane replied.

"I believe it will."

Sloane then pushed a button on the control panel and the tank popped open. The dead Asari collapsed in a heap of being dead and there was a moment of tension during which Sloane thought that perhaps the queen had changed her mind about not tearing Sloane limb from limb, but she bowed her head in what Sloane assumed was a show of respect and then leaped from the tank up into the rafters and then scurried away through the ventilation shaft.

"Alright guys we solved the mystery of what Boob Witch was after and saved a species once thought to be extinct, let's go drop that nuke and get the hell out of here," Sloane said.

Tali and Liara were in agreement so the trio made their way back towards the tram depot, stopping only to open the lift down into the hot labs, place an armed tactical nuke in the elevator, and the send the lift down into the labs. As the stepped into the tram, and the engines whirred to life, Sloane felt the ground tremble and heard a massive explosion. It was the sound of a job well done.

Mass Effect - S01E16 - The Terrible Secret of Asteroid X

"Help us...Asteroid X...Bavarian terrorists...on a collision course with...if you can hear me...help..." the voice came like a staticky phantom over the intercom. Joker looked like he was about to pee his pants in terror as he said, "That's the entire transmission boss."

Sloane Shepard, Spectre extraordinaire and Commander of the Normandy, looked out across the bridge in thought, and after a moment asked, "Joker, can you trace the signal?"

"Uhh...yeah. It's coming from Asteroid X an asteroid that's passing near the planet Populated II right now. Why?" the crew member asked as he nervously adjusted his official crew member baseball cap, "You're not really considering going down onto Asteroid X are you?"

"Why wouldn't I?" Sloane asked.

"Well at best there's a bunch of Bavarian terrorists down there...at worst? Some kind of ghost," Joker replied, "Either way there's a 92% chance of you getting your shit wrecked if you go down there."

"You worry too much Joker," Sloane said and then got on the intercom to tell Tali and Liara to prepare for a space car drop. "Yo Presley you're in charge until I get back okay buddy? Don't let the crew get too rowdy while I'm gone okay? They can have ice cream, but only if they eat all their vegetables first," she said as she headed off to the space car.

The chief navigator nodded solemnly and said, "I shan't let you down ma'am."

Moments later the space car was falling through the nothingness of space towards the mysterious Asteroid X. As the space car tumbled toward it Sloane noticed that Asteroid X was no ordinary asteroid for a series of rocket boosters had been installed which caused the chunk of space rock the hurtle through the vast nothingness far faster than any ordinary non-X asteroid would have. She had no idea what to expect down on the surface of that foreboding space rock. Maybe Joker was right. Maybe a space ghost had sent the transmission to lure Sloane and her crew to a creepy death that kids on the intranet would embellish and tell to one another in an effort to creep each other out.

BAM! The space car slammed into the surface of Asteroid X sending a jolt of impact damage up through Sloane's spine. "Tali, turn on the radio to an open frequency," she said. The Quanri woman nodded and flipped on the radio. Almost instantaneously the creepy transmission began, "Hello...are you out there? Bavarian terrorist....to crash Asteroid X...Populated II."

"Hello?" Sloane replied, "Are you a ghost?"

"No...ost...from the research team. The Bavarians.......X into Populated II."

"Can you fix your radio or something? You sound like a static ghost. It's really creepy and also hard to understand what you're trying to say."

"Sorry," there was a noise that sounded like dials being turned and the hiss of the static began to clear. "Is this better?" the voice asked. Without the hiss of creepy static it was clear that it was a woman's voice.

"Yes. So what's the problem here?" Sloane asked.

"Bavarian terrorists have taken over the asteroid and have changed the course so that it with crash into the planet of Populated II," the woman said over the radio, "Please turn off the rocket boosters so that doesn't happen."

Sloane could see one of the rocket boosters, blaring in the distance, pushing Asteroid X ever closer toward Populated II, home of close to a million colonists. "Alright, we'll go turn off the rocket boosters," Sloane said, "I'd hate to have the deaths of one million people on my conscience. Liara, set course for that rocket booster over in the distance."

Liara nodded and steered the car closer to the rocket booster. Suddenly, and quite without warning, gun turrets surrounding the rocket booster came online and began fire laser blasts toward the space car, much to the surprise of all on board the space car. Liara took evasive maneuvers to avoid the laser blasts blasting all over the blasted place. It was quite obvious she'd taken a defensive driving class or two in her time. Sloane had not. She had taken offensive driving and thus got into the gunner's pod and began blasting shit at the gun turrets firing at them. She was a good shot, one of the best space car gunners in all the Alliance and thus the gun turrets didn't stand a goddamn chance. They were soon smoking wrecks of blown up gun turrets.

The trio of women hopped out of the space car and made their way into the rocket booster's command center located directly beneath the screaming inferno that was the rocket booster. As soon as they were inside they heard the sound of an oom-pah band. Bavarians.



The Bavarians, spotting Sloane and her posse, threw down their tubas and beer steins and took up their laser blasters and began blasting lasers all over the place. Sloane dove behind a space crate and cast a space magic spell at the Bavarians that sent them hurtling across the room and into a wall. She then popped out from behind the box and blasted the shit out of the Bavarians and their space dogs with her shotgun. "BOOYAH! BOOYAH!" Bavarians exploded like a smashed Bavarian cream donuts, only their filling was not nearly as creamy or delicious looking.

With the Bavarians out of the way, Sloane made her way to the command center and shut off the rocket booster. "Good job!" the woman's voice came over the intercom, "I'm seeing that one of the rocket boosters has been disabled."

"Yeah, we just shut it down," Sloane said, "Who are you anyway?"

"My name is Kate. I'm with the research team here...oh shit...I think there are some Bavarians here...please hurry..." There was the sound of a scuffle and Kate's voice suddenly cut off. Things just got a whole lot more serious!

Commercial Break

The laser hit Sloane center mass. Luckily she had a space magic barrier and also was wearing a suit of pretty badass space armor, so she shrugged if off like a stubbed toe. The shooter, a human male in his middle years, however freaked the fuck out, "Oh fuck! I didn't know you were a human! I'm so sorry. I thought you were one of those Bavarians. I should have known by the lack of lederhosen that you weren't a Bavarian. Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!" The man began hitting himself in the head.

"Hey! Hey! Stop that! Listen, I'm Sloane Shepard, and I'm a Spectre. It's going to take a lot more than a single shot from shotgun to take me out. What is that anyway? A Hammer I? Ha!" Sloane said, "Anyway I hear you guys have some trouble with Bavarians trying to send this rock down onto Populated II, so I'm here to stop them."

"Thanks, my family is down in Populated II," the man said, "The name's Simon by the way. I'm the chief of this asteroid."

"Well met Simon. Can I ask why you even thought to put rockets on an asteroid and bring it out here?"

"Well, they figured it was cheaper to bring the asteroid in orbit and mine it out here they to send crews out to the asteroid and mine it out in deep space," Simon said, "Plus if it was in orbit it'd make a good foundation for a space base once all the ore had been depleted."

"That's a pretty solid plan," Sloane said, "So it's up to me to make sure these goddamn Bavarians don't mess it up. If you'll excuse me, I'm off to turn off the other rocket boosters."

"Yo thanks. By the way, watch out over at the other rocket booster, we've got some landmines set up in front of the building that will probably blow up your space car. You might be able to walk past them alright though."

Sloane thanked Simon for the hot tip and told him to get somewhere safe and then hopped back into the space car with Tali and Liara and hauled ass toward the next rocket booster. Sure enough there was a mess of of landmines spread out near the entrance, but lucky for Sloane they had forgotten to place any mines near the rear of the building so after parking the space car, she and her companions just walked around from the back of the building to the front door and entered the rocket booster control center. Again, nearly as soon as they had entered they were set upon by Bavarians with tubas, beer steins, accordions, and laser blasters.

The second verse was same as the first with Bavarians getting their shit ruined by Sloane and company, but as Sloane shut down the rocket boosters Kate came back on the horn, "Please hurry, there are Bavarians right outside...OH FUCK!" A shot rang out and Kate screamed, "You killed my brother!"

A gruff, German voice came over the intercom, "Who is this?"

Sloane was livid, "Fuck you, you fucking fuck!" and clicked off the intercom.

Back in the command center the Bavarian who had just shot Kate's brother in cold blood looked at his second in command and ordered him to find the asshole who was turning off the rocket boosters and take care of them...permanently.

Sloane hauled ass across Asteroid X to the next rocket booster and shot her way into the command center, gunning down the Bavarians there within with little fanfare. No one would mourn their deaths. Sloane blasted them apart not caring about their Bavarian wives, boyfriends and/or children back in Bavarian. She then entered the command center and shut down the final rocket booster. "And that's the end of that chapter," she said with a self-satisfied grin as she stepped out of the command center.

But the moment she exited, she was confronted by some more Bavarians. Roughneck looking guys with beerguts that threatened to cause their lederhosen to burst asunder. "Alright, stop right there," the Bavarian said in a cartoonish German accent, "Not another step." Sloane didn't recognize him, but the viewers at home knew him to be the lead Bavarian's second in command.

"Look dude, this can end one of two ways, you guys can get in your spaceships and go home, or I can blast you into a bajillion pieces with my shotgun and space magic," Sloane said to the unknown to her Bavarian terrorist second in command.

The leader thought about it a moment and then said, "I didn't even want to come here. I thought this was a dumbass plan, but Hans was all like 'We must send that asteroid into Populated II! It's the only way!'"

"It's not the only way dude. I'm giving you a chance to walk away."

"Oh alright. Hans is kind of a dick anyway. Here's a key to the main asteroid base. Give him a couple shotgun blasts for me!" the Bavarian said as he handed Sloane a keycard. He then took up his clarinet and proceeded to walk out of the rocket booster command center.

Commercial Break

It was time for the final showdown. Sloane and company busted into the asteroid command center, their guns ready to blast. As they entered the command center someone bellowed, "WELCOME TO THE THUNDERDOME!" over the intercom and then began to play "Jock Jam Megamix." As mid-90s sportstechno blasted over the speakers, a heap of Bavarians rushed into the command center from side chambers. These Bavarians were armed to the teeth with laser guns and laser knives and had their clarinets and tubas strapped to their back. They'd clearly come to rumble.



What followed was a shootout to end all shootouts. Sloane had thought that she'd never encounter a shootinger shootout than the shootout on Peak 15, but this was without a doubt the shootingest shootout that ever shot. Lasers were flying all over the place with Bavarian gunmen shooting guns like it was their job, which in fact it actually was. Sloane, Tali and, to a lesser extent, Liara, gave as good as they got. What they lacked in sheer number of lasers they more than made up for in accuracy. Soon a heap of Bavarians were dead, but more rushed in to take their place.

"Booooooooyah...." Sloane's shotgun scream asthmatically, for even the most mighty shotgun gets tired out after blast mad foes.

Fortunately her space magic was less exhausted so Sloane ripped Bavarians asunder with space magic and threw their ruined bodies about in a manner that would have made a sad Native American cry tears due to her caviler attitude towards littering. And as the chunks of Bavarians piled up, mechanical security gunbots swooped in from on high, blasting lasers at Sloane and company and basically being dicks about it. Swooping around shooting and then swooping some more so they couldn't be lasered.

"God these things are total D-bags!" Tali shouted as her shotgun wheezed a final pitiful "Booooooooyahhhhhh...."

Liara though was on point. She was a goddamn space magic wizard, tear shit apart and flinging d-bag machines about. Sloane felt a little ashamed at how pitiful her own space magic prowess was as she watched the Asari science lady shred robots to components as they flew about.

Soon it was all done, except for the plot dump, and at precisely that moment Hans the Bavarian emerged to taunt Sloane. "So, you were the one who ruined my plan..." he said in the most over the top fake German accent ever.

"Yup. Give it up dude, your days are numbered!" Sloane shouted.

"That's what you think. I set up a bomb that will blow up all the researchers that I captured unless you let me go."

"I don't understand why I can't just blow you away right now by shooting you in the head and thus prevent you from both causing the bomb to explode and escaping," Sloane said in confusion.

"Because it doesn't work that way! Pick a choice!" Hans shouted wickedly.

"Can I ask you something first?"

"Oh fine...just be quick about it!"

"Did you capture a girl named Kate? If you did, was she cute?"

"What? I dunno. I guess she was alright. She looked...uh...clean I guess and had two arms. Aren't you two both female members of your species anyway?"

That was good enough for Sloane. She had made up her mind, "Get out of here Hans. But know this the Alliance knows who you are now and is going to get you for this."

Hans smirked, "Okay. For threatening to have me arrested by the Alliance in the near future I've decided to set off the bombs after all. But to show that I'm not a terrible guy I've put them on a timer, so if you're quick maybe you can save everyone."

Sloane was hecka quick and the bombs were soon totally disarmed. Right as she cut the blue wire on the last bomb Simon strolled in. Sloane was poleaxed, "Dude I thought I told you to get somewhere safe!"

Simon shrugged, "I had a gun and thought that maybe I could help."

Tali scoffed and muttered, "Yeah, a Hammer I..." under her breath.

"Well it's all wrapped up nice and neat here so I guess you and your people can get back to the business at hand," Sloane said trying not to laugh at Tali's sick burn.

"I just saw that Bavarian dude get into a spaceship and fly away...are you sure it's all wrapped up?" Simon asked.

"He was going to blow up your people if I didn't let him go," Sloane said, "I made a choice."

"Are you going to get in trouble?" Simon asked, "I mean I'm glad you saved our people, but I don't want you to catch hell for doing so."

"Nah, one of our ships will pick him up as soon as I phone in the plates and Hans' description," Sloane replied, "Don't worry about it."

"Well thanks again. After all this bullshit I've decided to go back home to Populated II and spend time with my family," Simon said, "Here, I want you to have this...it's not much, but it's all we've got."

Simon handed Sloane a suit of Qunari war armor. Sloane took it and stared at him a tad perplexed. "Why do you have Qunari war armor?" she asked.

"They did some work for us back in the day...this has been hanging out in my office forever. I figured she could use it more than anyone here," he said as he motioned towards Tali, "Anyway, I should pack so I can go home and enjoy my retirement. Goodbye."

Simon walked off and Sloane made her way into the cell the researchers had been held prisoner in. There among the scientist she found a clean woman with two arms. She was as lovely as Sloane had imagined her being. "Kate I presume," Sloane said to the clean woman with two arms. The woman nodded and said, "You must be the woman I spoke to on the radio. I probably wouldn't be here if it weren't for you." Kate suddenly began to cry.

"I'm sorry," she said as she wiped her eyes, "it's just...they killed my brother. He was the adventurous one. He's the reason I was out here in the first place. I should go...I've got funeral arrangements to make. Thanks again for saving me from being blown up."

Sloane watched her go and then turned to her crew members and said, "Let's get out of here."

Liara started off towards the door. Sloane watched as she walked away and then turned towards the camera and grinned. There was a freeze frame and the credits rolled.

Mass Effect - S01E18 - Dave Dies In This Episode

Wrex's assault rifle was pointed in Sloane's face. "I trusted you dude...thought you were my friend. Fuck, you helped me out more than even my own family ever did and now you want to pull this shit on me?!" the Krogan shouted angrily, "Those are my people in there! My people...healed up from getting neutered and spayed."

Sloane's own shotgun was pointed back at Wrex. The situation was hella tense. "Dude those Krogans aren't your people. They are mindless slaves to Seville. If I thought for a second there was some way to use that research to legitimately help you and your people I would totally do it Wrex."

Wrex stared for a second and then lowered his gun. "Alright Shepard, I just hope you know what you're doing," he said bringing an end to the Mexican standoff, "Just promise me one thing; when we find Seville we kill 'im!"

"You got it Wrex. There's no way that fucker walks out of the final battle alive," Sloane said and then offered her hand to Wrex. The Krogan took her hand in his and they shook.

Sloane turned and began to make her way back up the beach. As soon as she was out of the earshot of Wrex she breathed a sigh of relief for she had been certain she was going to die. The boss of the demon aliens caught sight of her and was all like, "Ho shit, I can't believe you talked that Krogan down. I was certain he was going to blast the fuck out of you when he pulled out that laser gun."

"Yeah I was pretty sure I was going to die for a minute there too," Sloane said, "So now that that's taken care of, what's the situation? What are we going to do about Seville's Fortress of Krogan Breeding?"

The boss demon alien stroked his chin and said, "Well, we've got a nuke we can place in his base and blow that shit straight to hell, but it's going to be a little tough to get in there. I'm thinking that maybe you could sneak in with the nuke while my men and I storm the front gate and attack them, causing a distraction."

It was a pretty solid plan and Sloane told him as much but the boss demon alien wasn't finished with his plan. "I'll need one of your crew to help coordinate things," he said.

"One of my crew? Dude, it sounds like a suicide mission. Besides, I've only got like six crew members unless you count Doctor Chocolate and Navigator X.O. Presley."

"I'll go," a voice suddenly said behind her. Sloane turned to see an unfamiliar looking everyman. He had a really common looking face and was clad in an Alliance uniform, but Sloane was certain she'd never talked to him before, but before she could ask the guy who he was Ashley interrupted. "Poppycock!" she said, "You outrank me and also are smart. I'm just a grunt. I'll go on the suicide mission."

"Ashley, Dave's going with the demons on the suicide mission alright?" Sloane said sternly, "I don't want to hear anything else about it."

"Yes ma'am."

"I won't let you down ma'am," Dave said stoically.

"Whatever Doug," Sloane said before turning back to the the boss demon alien and asking, "So how are we supposed to carry the nuke into position? Those things are bulky as fuck. I can't very well do a top secret stealth mission while lugging a goddamn nuke around with me."

"Hmmm..." hmmmed the boss demon alien, "You do have a point. I guess we could send the nuke in on your spaceship. You can sneak in while we create a distraction, disable the shields, and then your ship can deliver the nuke."

It was a good plan. "That's a good plan," Sloane said before telling Ashley, "Yo, Ashley go with Joker and make sure that bomb gets to us in one piece okay? Wrex. Tali. You two are with me. Alright guys, let's do this!"

The boss demon alien nodded and the delivered a stirring bit of oration that would have surely gone down as one of history's great speeches had anyone in attendance bothered to record it. Those who were present that day remember the boss alien talking about "a lot of stuff but mostly the importance of holding the line...whatever that meant." An Alliance gunnery sergeant who was present that day was later quoted as saying, "As far as alien speeches go it was pretty solid. It really pumped us up before the big fight, which may have made what happened later all the more devastating."

Commercial Break


Wrex Da'House slogged through the water blasting cybermen as soon as they came into his line of fire. His assault rifle had not stopped humming its song of death since they had started their approach on Seville's Creepy Science Fort.

"Is Wrex okay?" Tali asked as she and Sloane jogged to keep up with the rampaging Krogan.

"He'll be alright I think. He's just working off some steam is all. Enjoy it while you can," Sloane offered as she watch Wrex pick up a wounded cyberman uzi specialist and deliver a life ending backbreaker. "I'm going to need you fresh when we get to the backdoor anyway."

Tali nodded and said, "I understand. Hey Shepard, can I ask you something?"

"Sure," replied Sloane. Up ahead Wrex was bellowing profanity and delivering Mortal Kombat style fatalities to the cyberman defenders.

"What's going on with you and Liara?" Tali asked, "Like when she first joined up with us you didn't seem to like her much and then all of a sudden you're blushing like a schoolgirl whenever she talks to you. What's the story?"

"I don't know really. I think something happened to me after I got brain fuckled. After I came back from Noveria I couldn't stop thinking about her. Maybe it was space magic. Maybe I was just lonely. I don't really know."

"Well, I think you should totally hook up with her if you haven't already. You two are adorable together and she makes you a lot less scary," Tali said as she walked past a heap of sparking cyberman guts.

Sloane laughed aloud. "You thought I was scary?"

"Maybe scary is the wrong word," Tali said, "Maybe intimidating is better. You were always so confident and sure of yourself. Seeing you trip over yourself and turn red when Liara looks at you makes you a lot more relatable...and then Liara's such a nerd that I don't think she even realizes the effect she has on you. Like I said I think you two are adorable. Ah, we're here."

Wrex stood before them, huffing and puffing, his body armor covered in cyberman gore. Beside him was an access terminal that he motioned to and in a gruff voice said, "Tali..."

Tali smiled, holstered her shotgun, and approached the terminal. She powered up her glowing Power Glove. She punched a series of commands into it and a moment later the terminal light up.

"We're in," she said, "I could set off the alarms at the front gate and try to draw the guards away from the backdoor if you want."

"Nah. Danny and the demon aliens will have a hard enough time without us sending more guards their way. Besides, we have Wrex."

Wrex laughed and shouldered his assault rifle. "You're goddamn right you do."

"Okay," Tali said. She then punched some data into her Power Glove and the doors slid open.

Wrex rushed forward and before Tali had even logged out of the terminal the sound of laser blasts and Wrex screaming, "Come git some!" could be heard from within the Creepy Science Fort. Sloane and Tali readied their shotguns and made their way into the Creepy Science Fort. There were creepy experiments all about and a mess of dead cybermen and Krogans. Somewhere in the distance the sound of Wrex wrecking house could be heard. The two women made their way towards the sound of combat ready to get their gunfight on, but again the only found corpses. Wrex was a one man wrecking crew.

When Tali and Sloane finally caught up with the Krogan bounty hunter he was standing in an office, his laser gun pointed at an Asari secretary. As Sloane entered, the Asari woman turned her gaze toward the door and shouted, "Oh thank the goddess! Please help. This Krogan has gone mad!"

"I don't really care what he does," Sloane said, "I'm here to blow this place up and kill everyone inside."

"Oh god please. I just answered an ad in the classified section...I don't want to die. Here!" the secretary punch buttons on a wallmounted keypad, "This lift will take you up to my boss' office. Ransack his files...I don't care. He's not paying me enough for this shit."

"Alright," Sloane said, "Wrex, don't kill her."

The Krogan nodded and the secretary ran for the door. "You better haul ass," Sloane said as the woman made her way out of the office, "because I am going to nuke the fuck out of this place in a couple minutes." Upon hearing this, the secretary let out a wail of despair and ran double time out of the office.

Sloane, Wrex and Tali then made their way to the lift and rode up to Seville's office. His office was pretty Spartan to say the least. There was naught in the office save for some scaffolding and a weird pillar looking thing. No leather sofa. No filing cabinets. Nothing. Sloane was somewhat disappointed but made her way down the scaffolding to the pillar and touched it. Suddenly her mind was awash with creepy imagery. It was another Ancient Alien beacon.

"Fuck..." she moaned weakly as the visions of machines drilling into flesh and shit that looked like a mid-90s Marilyn Manson music video faded.

"Are you alright Shepard?" Tali asked.

"Yeah I'll be fine. C'mon let' s get out of here," Sloane said and she started back towards the lift. She had not gotten very far before a random hologram of some kind of huge robot appeared before her. "Who the fuck are you?" she asked angrily.

"I should ask the same of you," the giant robot said, "You are not Seville."

"No shit Sherlock," Sloane spat, "Hey wait a second...are you that charismatic spaceship Matriarch Boob Witch told me about? You can talk?"

"Ho jit..." Tali said in surprise, "That would make it an AI..."

"I am so much more than that! I am alpha and omega. I am legion. I am..."

"A Reaper!" Sloane exclaimed.

The hologram looked a little disappointed, "Way to ruin my big reveal asshole."

"That's not all I'm going to ruin. I am going to wreck house on you and Seville and anyone else who tries to fuck with this galaxy," Sloane said.

"Ha! We have destroyed countless organics across the eons, most far more advanced and intelligent than the likes of you," the charismatic hologram said, "What chance do you think you really have?"

"A helluva good chance!" Sloane said, "Now if you'll excuse me, I have a nuke to detonate."

The hologram muttered something and then faded from sight as Sloane walked through it and into the elevator. Upon reaching the ground floor the calming voice of Joker shouted into her ear, "The guns and shit are down, we're landing with the nuke at the coordinates I'm patching through to you. Meet us there and help us nuke the shit out of this Creepy Science Fort," he said over the intercom.

"You got it dude!" came Sloane's reply. This was it, the final showdown with the Creepy Science Fort.

Commercial Break


The Normandy landed in the drainage trench and a moment later Ashley emerged leading the nuke down the gangplank. She and some nameless Alliance soldiers brought the nuke near the Creepy Science Fort's generator and began the painstaking process of arming the nuke. Suddenly Dave "Wedge" Kaidan's voice came over the intercom, a really common voice that suited his anonymous, everyman visage quite well. "We're taking heavy fire up here," the living default create-a-character said, "Make sure nothing gets through demon aliens! We gotta give them time to set up that bomb!"

"Danny, we're coming to save you bud!" Sloane said, "No one gets left behind on my watch...except those guys on Acooze...and Biggs back on Eden One...but no one else!"

"Negative Commander," Dave Kaidan replied, "You set up that bomb...we've got this covered!" The sound of heavy laser blastin' filled the intercom.

Sloane looked at Ashley, "Ash, finish setting that up and then gun the fuck out of any cybermen or non-Wrex Krogans that come up this way. I'm going up to save Dave and those demon aliens."

"You got it chief," Ashley replied.

Sloane made her way to the lift and headed up to the gun tower that Dave Kaidan and company were pinned down in. Several cybermen gunrunners tried to ruin Sloane's day, but her shotgun screamed "BOOYAH!" at them louder than it ever had before and the gunrunners were reduced to a heap of scrap metal and wrecked gears and shit. As she made her way toward the gun tower the intercom squawked to life. "Uh, Commander? It's Ashley. How are you doing?"

"Pretty good. What's going on Ashley?"

"Yeah we're kind of taking a lot of fire here. I'm going to blow up this nuke and die in a heroic sacrifice okay?"

"No. Not okay. I'm coming back for you."

"But Dave's in some shit. He's a Lieutenant...I'm just a grunt. Noble heroic sacrifices are our bread and butter," Ashley said.

"No! No heroic sacrifice," Sloane said, "Donnie, I'm sorry man, I gotta make sure that bomb gets set. Just hold tight a minute longer okay?"

"Alright Commander...and if you can't get back up here, just know that it's been an honor serving with you, and sorry if I was creepy when I asked you out the other day," Dave Kaidan replied.

"That was you? Shit man, I had no idea. Anyway, hold tight awhile longer okay?" Sloane said as she jumped back into the elevator and rode it back down to the drainage trench in which Ashley and some grunts as nameless and faceless as Doug Kaidan were coming under hella heavy fire. Sloane joined in the fray posthaste blasting mad foes with her shotgun. Krogans were getting smoked and cybermen were getting smote, but then suddenly some kind of thing swooped down and threw a grenade in the general area of Ashley and the nuke.

"SEVILLE! YOU MOTHERFUCKER!" Sloane shouted, recognizing the clacking praying mantis lizardman riding about on the Silver Surfer's surfboard.

"Commander Shepard, come! Join us! Me and the cybermen and of course Sovereign...the very charismatic spaceship that I am sure you have discovered is actually a Reaper. Resistance is futile. The Reapers wrecked house on the Ancient Aliens, what hope do you have."

"Dude you have totally gotten brain fuckled by that spaceship. I'd rather die than become a brain fuckled slave!" Sloane shouted and then with one fluid motion she aimed her shotgun and pulled the trigger repeatedly, firing off four shots in rapid succession until the gun became hot to the touch. The bullets flew straight and true, slamming into the clacking Terrarium asshole.

The blast from the shotgun knocked Seville from his space surfboard into the murky water of the drainage ditch, but he had freaky strength and rushed up on Sloane and grabbed her by the throat like he was going to chokeslam her, but Sloane punched him, a hard right hook right in the mandibles that laid him out. Behind her Ashley had hit the button to arm the nuke but was promptly shot for her troubles by a cyberman.

"The fuck is going on here Shepard?!" Wrex shouted as he blasted more foes than he could count.

"I have no idea! Let's get out of here!" Sloane said as she hoisted Ashley over her shoulder like a 1950s drawing of a caveman taking a wife. With Ashley slung over her shoulder Sloane made her way into the Normandy with Tali and Wrex laying down cover fire.

She did not notice the very charismatic spaceship swoop in and save the stupid dickbag, Seville, at the very last moment, but as the Normandy sped away from the Wiemar Republic, the nuke exploded, wrecking house on Seville's Creepy Science Fort. From the medical bay, Sloane watched the explosion bloom like a mushroom. Somewhere down there Dory Kaidan had been reduced to atoms...

To Be Continued...

Mass Effect - S01E20 - Showcase Showdown!

The space car plummeted towards the surface of Ilos. Sloane watched the ground below rush up to meet them and heard the sound of explosions up above. She wondered if Joker had gotten the Normandy clear of the cyberman war frigates after opening the doors for the space car. Two hundred meters. One hundred meters. Fifty. Below she saw a party walking toward a large structure of Ancient Alien design. It was Seville and his cybermen. One shot from the space car's cannon could end it all.

As the space car tumbled toward certain doom, Sloane exhaled sharply and pulled the space cannon's trigger launching a space missile that streaked past Seville and his goons and slammed into a crumbling flying buttress. The blast reverberated across the dead planet and Seville looked up at the ruin buttress and the falling rubble. He seemed to smirk as he hurried into the Ancient Alien building.

"Shepard?!" Tali shouted, "We're coming in too fast! We're going to crash!"

Sloane shook the cobwebs of disappointment from her head and quickly flipped the retrorockets on. The rockets barely fired before the car slammed into the surface of Ilos. Not her smoothest landing. A moment later and the space car would have been a mess of twisted metal and this time there would be no rescue. No recovery in a bacta tank. No do overs.

Tali breathed a sigh of relief. "Can we not do that again...ever?"

Sloane nodded and ruffled her hair. "Sorry about that," she said, "Come on. Seville just went into that building. If we're quick we can still catch him."

The trio of women climbed out of the space car and approached the massive Ancient Alien structure. Liara very nearly had a goddamn heart attack.

"Look at this! In all my years of studying Ancient Aliens I never thought I'd find myself on Ilos! It's incredible!" the Asari exclaimed excitedly.

Tali scoffed, "My people were looking for this planet for ages. They wanted to settle here. Now that I've seen it I'm glad they didn't. I'd take the Floatilla over this creepy place any day."

Sloane was barely paying attention to the two lady aliens, instead focusing on the massive door before them. There did not seem to be any sort of handle or hinges to open it and the control panel seemed dead. After a moment Sloane sighed and declared, "Well I guess the galaxy's fucked. There's no way to open this door."

Liara approached the door and looked at the powerless control panel a moment. "I've seen controls of this sort in Ancient Alien ruins before," she said, "There is usually a backup power source nearby. I'm guessing that Seville probably cut the internal power once he went through, so if we find the backup generator we should be able to get these doors open."

"Alright, let's check it out then. Be on your guard ladies. Who knows what Seville left out here? There could be cybermen crawling all over the place," Sloane said as she slung her shotgun off her shoulder.

Sure enough there were cybermen creeps creeping low and nasty all over the goddamn place, but fortunately Sloane, Tali, and Liara were tough ladies armed with shotguns and space magic and with the aforementioned shotguns and space magic tore the cybermen apart like a goddamn massacre. The scoured the nearby buildings and basements for the generator. Searched pavilions and plazas. Finally, after killing a mess of cybermen, they found the generator in the last place they would have thought to look.

Liara, having some skill with Ancient Alien shit, hit a series of buttons causing the generator to hum to life. Nearby a video screen powered up as well with a creepy corrupted image flickering weakly on the screen as it murmured, "The Reapers are coming...hide in the Archives...it's the only hope...death is among us...death is here..."

"To bad that video was in Ancient Alien," Tali said, "Would have been nice to know what it was saying."

"You didn't understand that?" Sloane asked.

Liara gasped and put her hand over her mouth. "By the Goddess!" she exclaimed, "When you downloaded the Ancient Alien's history into your brain you must have picked up Ancient Alien language skills too! What did it say?"

"It's still a pretty crappy recording, but it more or less was like, 'Reapers are coming! Hide in the archives!'"

Liara clapped her hands and exclaimed, "That must be what that building Seville went into is! The archives! We should get back there posthaste!"

And so the trio of women did just that, tromping back the way they had come back to where they had left the space car. The control panel to the massive doors of the Ancient Alien archives was now aglow with energy. Somehow Sloane instinctively knew the passcode to the door and input it with ease. The massive doors groaned open revealing a monolithic structure on unfathomable proportions.

"Let's take the space car," Sloane said, "The hall looks big enough and without it we'd be walking all day."

The three women climbed back into the space car and started up the engines. Sloane hoped that the hard landing had not fucked up the axles or transmission or anything of that sort, but as the space car rolled forward her fears were proven to be unwarranted. Human engineering baby! The mighty space car rolled through the halls of the Ancient Alien Archives while Liara mourned the lost civilization.

"All those pods on the walls...they are cyropods. The Ancient Aliens would have attempted to cryofreeze themselves when the Reapers attacked," she said as the space car ruined the shit of a pair of cyberman rocket fuckers, "They all seem to be inactive now. What a terrible loss..."

After a long period of rolling hard down the halls of the archives in a goddamn space car they came to a force field of some sort. The space car could not pass through the barrier, and so Sloane got out of the space car. She could not bypass the barrier either and her shotgun had no effect upon it, and so she looked around. She found a small tunnel; too small for a space car, but large enough for a human or a Asari or a Qunari to pass through. A Krogan might have had a hard time and a Terrarium would probably have had to duck, but the trio of ladies had no trouble getting through the tunnel. At the end of the tunnel they found an elevator. The three women entered the elevator and Sloane pressed the button. What would await them when the elevator stopped? They would have to wait until after the commercial break to find out.

Commercial Break

A decrepit looking computer stood at the end of the small chamber that the elevator had taken them to. Sloane had thought that perhaps the elevator would have led to a service passage through which they could have bypassed the barrier above them, but it was looking more and more like they were going to get a plot dump instead. Sloane was dreading it with each step. As she neared the computer it suddenly lit up and whirred to life.

"Greetings Sloane Shepard! Allow myself to introduce myself. My name is Vigil and I am a VI," the computer said.

"Umm...how do you know my name and how speak space English?" Sloane asked.

"I've been listening to you three since you arrived at Ilos. You seem far better than the other organic who came through here. He seems to have been brain fuckled by a Reaper. You three, however, are free of the taint," Vigil said, "And so I wish to help you. The Ancient Aliens here worked in secret trying to uncover the secrets of the Reapears and how to destroy them. The entirety of that knowledge is stored here within me. It is most unfortunate that the Ancient Aliens themselves did not survive to implement these plans, but what can you do?"

Sloane sighed. This plot dump was going to take forever. She steeled herself and asked, "So what do we need to do to stop the Reapers?"

"The Reapers exist in dark space when they are not reaping. They stay there for eons...hiding...waiting for another organic species to emerge as an intellectual superpower before they strike. It is a cycle that has repeated itself for millions of years," Vigil said.

"Dude we already got this plot dump," Sloane said barely masking the annoyance in her voice, "Speed it up a little alright? Why not just tell us how they get out of dark space or something, since dark space is pretty much impossible to get to or from with any sort of technology people have."

"The Citadel. It is a massive Mass Relay that the Reapers use to enter our galaxy from dark space. They can emerge right outside the Citadel and wreck house on it and then, with the Citadel down and done, all transportation and communication between organic settlements falls apart and they can go from colony to colony and enslave organics and wipe them out. It's really very sad."

"But how? How do they use the Citadel as a Mass Relay? How did no one discover this in all those years?" Sloane asked.

"Because the Keepers. The Keepers run shit and therefore no one who discovered the Citadel really asked too many questions about how it operated. So people would live and work in the Citadel until one day the Keepers would be activated for afar to turn on the Mass Relay and open a portal to dark space," said Vigil, "But the Ancient Aliens working here discovered this and devised a computer virus to install in Citadel's central computer and mess up the Keepers' ability to receive orders. The few remaining scientists here that survived the reaping of the Ancient Aliens traveled there to install the virus so the Reapers could never again us the Keepers to activate the Mass Relay. I believe this is why they have recruited the other organic to assist them. I believe that he will use the Conduit to travel to the Citadel and activate the Mass Relay manually."

"Wait, the Conduit...it's not a weapon?" Sloane asked her mouth agog.

The holographic representation of Vigil seemed to dim slightly as it replied, "No, not a weapon. You could think of it as a back door to the Citadel. The scientists here studied how the Mass Relays worked and were able to develop one here that would take them to the Citadel. Unlike other Mass Relays it was, unfortunately, only able to work in a single direction."

"So how do we stop them? If Seville's already gone through the Conduit and can get to the central computer he can activate the Mass Relay and we're all boned," Sloane said.

"In my database is a file that will corrupt the central computer's ability to activate the Mass Relay," Vigil replied, "Copy that file and install it on the computer and you should be able to stop the invasion. I am quite certain that if you hurry you will be able to stop that organic before he is able to complete the process necessary to activate the Mass Relay. Hurry. My time here is short...I have so little power remaining in my cells...goodbye Sloane Shepard."

The hologram faded from view and Liara looked as though she was about to cry, but Sloane didn't have time for tears. She had a douchebag Terrarium and a very charismatic spaceship to stop! She made a mad dash for the elevator and once Tali and Liara were aboard, hit the button. The lift slowly rose to the ground floor and as they made their way back to the space car they discovered the force field had been disabled.

"AW YE YE!" Sloane shouted as she jumped into the space car.

She did not ever wait for Tali and Liara to buckle their seatbelts before she floored it. The engines reved and the space car bounded forward through the halls of the archives, flattening the minuscule cyberman resistance Seville had apparently left behind. "BANG 'EM AND TAG 'EM!" Sloane bellowed triumphantly as she ran over a squad of cyberman uzi specialists. The space car tore ass through the passageways, taking corners like a champ. Sloane and the space car had had their differences in the past, but today? Today Sloane was one with the space car. Today was an extension of her very being.

"Look at that!" Liara exclaimed as the space car came flying around a corner.

Sloane looked up to see a small Mass Relay that had just begun to glow at the far end of an amphitheater that was festooned with cybermen uzi specialists, gunrunners, AT-STs, AT-ATs and bazooka homies. Time was of the essence. The space cars needles were all in the red. Sloane had pushed it too hard. She closed her eyes and gently patted the space car's dashboard. "Just a little bit further girl..." she whispered to the space car and once again slammed the gas pedal down to the floor. The space car rocketed forward crushing a pair of uzi specialists under its wheels as it hurtled toward the Mini Mass Relay.

Laser blasts pinged off the space car's armor plating. "We'll never make it!" Tali exclaimed.

"We will!" Sloane shouted and flipped a switch filling the space car's fuel lines with nitro. The space car roared forward at a nearly comical speed and into the Mini Mass Relay. Before going into Mass Effect. Space car...IN SPACE! It was like a dream come true for the space car to be soaring through the cosmos like a proper spaceship.



Moments later the space car emerged somewhere in the Citadel, flipped, and slammed into a barricade before bursting into flames. Sloane, Tali and Liara crawled out of the burning wreck and looked at the space car. It was obvious to all present that the space car was dead. It had served them well, but there was no time for the three women to mourn their fallen comrade, for all about them the Citadel burned as cybermen invaders shot flamethrowers and rockets about with reckless abandon. Sloane knew that they needed to get to the central computer in the Tower of Counseling posthaste or all was lost.

She dashed toward the elevator with Liara and Tali close behind her and hit the button. Pleasing muzak filled the glass elevator as it began to rise above the flaming mess of Presidium below. Suddenly the elevator came to a screeching halt. Seville or one of his goons had cut the power.

"Ladies, strap on your gear. We're going outside," Sloane said trying to sound all bad ass, but Liara snickered at the phrase "strap on" and Tali made a "That's what she said!" joke decreasing the bad assedness of the whole thing 43.9%. "Seriously though, put on your space helmet Liara. I'm going to shoot out the window and we're going to climb up the rest of the way outside the Citadel."

Commercial Break

The outside of the citadel was crawling with cybermen, but here in the nothingness of space, space magic was its strongest. Sloane watched with envy as Liara dispatched hecka cybermen with her bionic powers and tried to follow suit with her own meager powers but soon decided that a shotgun was more her cup of tea. She blasted a mess of cybermen into their most basic components. Above them a fierce fire fight between Citadel spaceships and cybermen warships was being waged. Sloane wondered if the Counselors had escaped from the Citadel or not. She wondered where the Normandy was. She'd been out of radio contact since landing on Ilos and wasn't even sure if Joker and the others had escaped unscathed.

The fighting was fast and furious. Someone had overridden the Citadel's defense systems and now, in addition to cyberman jerkoffs, Sloane and her companions had to contend with Citadel gun turrets and anti-spaceship batteries. It was slow going and Sloane cursed each moment spent in a trench picking off cybermen snipers. There was no way they would get to Seville in time to stop him from activating the Mass Relay and summoning the entirety of Reaper fleet. Sloane fired a shot, blasting a cyberman's head clear off its shoulders and then looked up. The gates to the Citadel were closing, but she could see the very charismatic spaceship hauling ass towards the Citadel. The gates were closing too slowly. There was no way they would stop the very charismatic spaceship from getting it.

Sloane redoubled her effort firing a series of shotgun blasts. "BOOYAH! BOOYAH! BOOYAH!" her gun overheated so she threw a thermal detonator at a gun turret and cast a space magic spell to tear an AT-ST asunder. "C'mon guys. We're wasting too much time here!" she shouted and pressed forward. Her gun screamed "BOOYAH!" furiously as she gunned down a mess of cybermen.

The women made their way at last to a service entrance. Sloane opened the lock and dropped down through the service entrance, emerging within the Tower of Counseling. Like the rest of the Citadel, fires raged out of control and there was evidence of battle everywhere. Dead C-Sec riot cops and mangled cybermen were strewn about. Sloane rushed forward and saw Seville standing before the central computer.

"Get the shit away from that computer Seville!" Sloane shouted.

The Terrarium wheeled around and tossed a grenade in her general direction. As she dived for cover she realized she probably should have just shot Seville in the back without saying anything. As the smoke cleared she could see Seville dive down off the ledge upon which the stood. A moment later, he reemerged on a hoverboard shooting a laser gun.

"I have been upgraded by the Very Charismatic Spaceship!" he shouted as he flew about the room, "See how great it is to join with them rather than fight the inevitable?"

"YOU TALK TOO MUCH!" Sloane shouted and then aimed her shotgun and pulled the trigger. "BOOYAH!" it screamed as a single shell was fired from the shotgun. It soared through the air piercing the Terrarium's dome. Seville fell from his hoverboard down into a garden before a giant sheet of plate glass fell on him cutting him in two.

"CITADEL! CITADEL! Is there anyone there?!" a familiar voice suddenly squawked over the Tower of Counseling's intercom.

"Joker! You're alive?" Sloane exclaimed.

"Commander is that you?" Joker replied, "Shit we thought you were a goner! Anyway I'm sitting here with the Alliance fleet. The Citadel flagship is taking heavy fire. They got the counselors on board. What do you think? Should we fly in and save the day?"

Another familiar voice suddenly sounded, "Shepard? Admiral Hackett here. Your pilot's right, we can save the Citadel's flagship but the costs to the Alliance are going to be high."

"I'm not going to overstep my bounds Admiral, but if I were you I'd take my chances and save the flagship. This is humanity's chance to show everyone what we're made of," Sloane said.

"Alright, we'll make the save, you get those gates open again so we can take out that very charismatic spaceship afterwards," Hackett said before using his, "Hackett out!" catchphrase.

Sloane took out her glowing Power Glove and looked at the central computer. "I've got to install this code and get the gates open," she said, "Tali you and Liara go make sure that stupid Terrarium is actually dead."

"You got it dude," Tali said as she jumped down into the garden where the ruined corpse of Seville laid. Sloane, meanwhile, uploaded Vigil's code to the Central Computer disabling the Citadel's Mass Relay until someone smarter than a mess of Ancient Alien scientists could figure out a way around the code she had just installed. She then set to work on opening the gates.

A moment later Joker's voice echoed through the hall, "We saved the flagship Commander, the Counselors are going to owe humanity big time. The gates are opening now...the Alliance is going in hot. AW YE YE! LET'S DO THIS!"

Down in the garden Sloane heard a cry of "BOOYAH!" She looked down to see Tali standing over Seville's corpse her shotgun smoking and a fresh hole in the dead Terrarium's head. Tali looked up and gave Sloane a thumbs up. Suddenly a bunch of robot shit burst forth from Seville's body. "I HAVE BEEN UPGRADED!" the creepy robot Seville shouted as it leaped up to the ceiling. Sloane, shotgun in hand, jumped down into the garden, ready to kill Seville one more time.

---

Outside Joker piloted the Normandy toward the massive spaceship perched upon a communication tower in the center of the Citadel. It looked like a big ass hand, but for some reason he found it to be very charismatic. As Joker strafed the charismatic spaceship he released a barrage of cannon fire. It was enough to destroy a Bavarian Tuba Cruiser or a Cyberman warship, but it barely put a dent in the very charismatic spaceship.

"Guys this is going to take awhile," Joker said as he brought the Normandy around for another run at the Very Charismatic Spaceship.

---

Back in the Citadel proper, Sloane and her posse of warrior women did battle with the new, improved Seville (now with 100% more robotic grossness). RoboSeville was leaping about hanging on the walls and ceilings like some kind of gross frogger thing. Sloane was utterly repulsed and unloaded on the disgusting half robot half praying mantis half man with her shotgun, with grenades and even with space magic. The RoboSeville was relentless though and kept jumping around as though it was listening to House of Pain.

They were going to have to do something drastic if they wanted to put an end to RoboSeville and his leaping.

---

"Concentrate all fire on that index finger there!" Joker shouted as the Alliance fleet and the remnants of the Citadel Aero Defense League divebombed the Very Charismatic Spaceship.

They were taking heavy damage from the Very Charismatic Spaceship. There was no way they would last much longer.

"Fuck it!" Joker said, "Cover me guys! I'm going in hot and heavy!"

"That's what Shepard said to that Asari chick the other night isn't it?" Hackett deadpanned.

"I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!" Joker shouted as he brought the Normandy down into a dive firing everything the Normandy had. He prayed that the Very Charismatic Spaceship did not hit a combo breaker as he unleashed all manner of hell upon it.

The Normandy drew closer launching missiles and rockets and lasers and throwing oversized jars with bees at the massive spaceship perched like a majestic turkey upon the communication tower. The missiles pierced the very charismatic spaceship's armor plating and then the jar of bees slammed into the breech and exploded. There was a chain reaction as the space bees entered the ship causing critical failure. Explosions tore through the giant spaceship and slowly it fell from the communication tower. As it fell more explosions tore through it causing the very charismatic spaceship to break up into large chunks of very charismatic wreckage.

"AW YE YE!" Joker shouted, "BAG 'EM AND TAG 'EM BOYS! BAG 'EM AND FUCKIN' TAG 'EM!"

The Alliance comlink became an ocean of dudes and dudines screaming "BAG 'EM AND TAG 'EM!" Joker was pretty sure that even the Asari pilotesses on the flagship were shouting as well.

---

"BOOYAH!" Sloane's shotgun scream one final time, blasting RoboSeville's head clean off its shoulders and painting the wall with a greasy smear of roboguts.

"AW YE YE!" Sloane shouted triumphantly, "Bag 'em and tag 'em!"

But before she could give a single high five or utter "Good job," once, a massive chunk of wreckage smashed through the elegant glass skylight of the Tower of Counseling and everything went black.

---

Tali sat on a broken chunk of something consoling Liara. All about them lay scattered the rubble of the once glorious Tower of Counseling. She would have never guessed that when she left on her pilgrimage she'd find herself consoling a distraught Asari woman whose lover...girlfriend...whatever Sloane was to Liara, had seemingly just been crushed by a hunk of space debris after saving the galaxy from almost certain annihilation.

"Commander Shepard was a very tough lady," Tali said as she pat the sobbing Asari's back, "If anyone could survive getting crushed by a giant hunk of space debris it would be her."

All about them rescuers peered under space debris hunks trying to find the body of Sloane Shepard. Tali hoped that the rescuers didn't make a liar out of her by pulling the mangled corpse of Sloane Shepard from the mess of twisted metal and broken glass that littered the Tower of Counseling. She sighed and felt tears well up in her eyes as well. She hadn't been intimate with Shepard the way Liara had, but Sloane had been the first non-Qunari who had treated her with anything close to respect. The fact that she had shown an interest in Qunari culture and had gone so far as to help Tali complete her pilgrimage...Sloane Shepard had been her friend, and now she was probably reduced to a fine paste beneath one of the giant pylons or a crashed Aero Defense League fighter.

"Ladies what are you two moping about?" came a voice. Tali and Liara both turned to see Sloane Shepard, emerging triumphantly from a heap of rubbish with barely a scratch upon her. She was alive!

---

The Counselors stood before Sloane Shepard beside the massive lake of the Presidium. The cleanup efforts had already begun and most of the area was clear of debris but it would be a long time before any part of the Citadel returned to its former glory. Ambassador Udina, the fucking asshole, and Ex-Commander Anderson stood beside her as the Counselors addressed her.

"We are in debt to you Sloane Shepard," the Asari Counselor said, "Not just to you but to Humanity at large. Were it not for your bravery and quick thinking the Citadel would not be here today and were it not for the noble sacrifice of the Alliance pilots who fought so valiantly against seemingly insurmountable odds we would not be here either."

"I may have judged you somewhat harshly Commander Shepard," the Terrarium Counselor clacked, "I may have let my own prejudices cloud my judgement and for that I am sorry. I underestimated the character of humans and saw you merely as petulant children when in reality you a truly noble race with the remarkable ability to come together in times of crises and accomplish great things."

The demon alien counselor nodded in agreement and said, "We would hereby like to invite Humanity to join the Counsel of the Citadel."

Ambassador Udina spoke. "This is a great honor. On behalf of all humanity I offer my most sincere thanks."

"There will of course be elections to determine who will serve on the council," the Asari said, "but if you have any recommendations we would be most happy to receive them Commander Shepard."

"I think Ex-Commander Anderson would do a good job."

"He's not a politician!" Udina shouted in protest, "He'd surely just punch everyone out!"

"I only do that with you, you old pirate!" Anderson said with a suave grin.

The trio of counselors conferred and then nodded. "It might be to the benefit of all of us to have a military man on the council. Often it is easy for those of us who have never fought in combat to overlook the importance of our fighting men and women," said the Terrarium, "and thought it pains me to say so, I think that in the months and years to come we may have need of them. Again, Commander Shepard, you have our thanks."

The trio of counselors shook hands with Sloane and then an epic rock jam blasted as the credits rolled...

Mass Effect - S02E01 - Six Trillion Credit Woman

The Smoking Man looked out across the universe from his executive's throne and took a drag from his cigarette as his busty, catsuit-clad minion clicked a laser pointer at the display screen activating a PowerPoint presentation. As the woman cleared her throat the Smoking Man looked up at the display screen and saw the image of a slender, red headed woman staring back at him.

"Sloane Shepard. An Earthborn orphan. Joined the Alliance military at 18. Sole survivor of the debacle at Acooze. First human Spectre and most recently the hero of the Battle of the Citadel," the busty women said dryly before clicking the pointer and displaying security footage and continuing, "Our organization has had several run-ins with her recently. She raided our labs on Binthu and later launched an assault on our base on Nepheron most likely in retaliation for what happened to Admiral Kotaku on Binthu. There were no survivors at either location. Are you sure this is the person you want to bring onboard for this mission Sir?"

The Smoking Man inhaled deeply savoring the rich flavor of the space tobacco and smirked. "Shepard is precisely the person we want. She's a symbol and symbols are important my dear Miranda if we want Humanity to get behind our cause."

"Very well Sir. I'll assemble a team and get to work straight away then," Miranda said as she bowed with a flourish and exited.

The Smoking Man took a drag from his cigarette and looked out across the universe. A reckoning was coming and he was going to make sure that he and Cerberus emerged victorious when all was said and done.

Opening Credits


"Best ship in the fleet. The goddamn hero of the Battle of the Citadel serving as acting Commander and they've got us out in the sticks on seek and destroy missions," Joker, the self-proclaimed Best Pilot in the Alliance, said as the Normandy flew through space, it's cyberman detection units pinging faintly.

Sloane Shepard looked up from her command post and smirked, "Just keep scanning Joker."

"Yes ma'am," Joker said and dutifully return his gaze to the bank of monitors.

She couldn't admit it, but Joker did have a point. There were other ships in the Alliance far better suited for this sort of thing, especially when the Reapers were still a looming threat. Sure she had stopped Seville and the Very Charismatic Spaceship from activating the Mass Relay in the Citadel, but that didn't mean the Reaper Armada lying in wait in dark space ceased to exist.

A scanner suddenly started to beep wildly. "How many cybermen vessels are there that the scanners going that berserk?" Sloane asked as the scanner's beeps become more frantic.

"That's no cyberman fleet Commander," Joker said nervously, "Readings are coming back negative on other known vessels as well. I've got no idea wha..."

LASERED! A laserblast hit the Normandy's starboard side and in an instant computers were engulfed in flames and warning klaxons began to wail. Sloane wondered what could have done that much damage in a single shot to a shielded vessel.

"The fuck was that?!" X.O. Presley shouted, "We're cloaked aren't we? How did they even s..."

LASERED! A second laserblast blasted the rear of the ship. "Yo Commander, we've got a problem down in the cargo hold," Gunnery Sergeant Ashley Williams' voice came over the intercom, "Something just hit the ship and everything is on fire down here now. It's pretty bad."

"Williams get everyone out of there," Sloane said, "Joker see if you can get out this thing's line of sight and make an emergency landing somewhere nearby. I'm going down to check on the lower deck."

Sloane put on her space helmet and made her way down the stairs to the lower level as another blast slammed into the Normandy, blowing up a big chunk of the ship. She hoped that her girlfriend, Liara T'sonni, was alright. Warning alarms blared as the ship's lights began to fail. A woman in a space suit, her helmet securely in place emerged from the smoke like a ghost and approached Sloane. The woman carried with her a fire extinguisher that she was using in a futile effort to put out the fires that blazed all about her.

"Solider, it's no use. We gotta get out of here," Sloane called out to the woman.

"Sloane? Is that you?" the woman replied. Sloane recognized the voice as Liara.

"Liara! Oh god, I'm so glad you're alright!" Sloane cried out, "I was so worried. I don't think the Normandy can take much more of this. We're going to have to evacuate the ship." As if to punctuate her point, another blast tore into the ship causing a loud explosion somewhere in the bowels of the ship. Sloane hoped that Ashley and the others had gotten out of the cargo hold in time.

Sloane switched her com to the public address channel and said, "This is your Commander speaking. We've come under heavy fire and our situation is hopeless. I am ordering all personnel to begin evacuation immediately. I repeat. All personnel are to begin evacuation immediately." Sloane then turned to Liara and said, "Come on, I need to get you to an escape pod."

The two women made their toward the nearest escape pod. Liara climbed into the pod and then turned to look at Sloane. "Get in Sloane," she said.

Sloane took out her glowing Power Glove and in a clear voice said, "Crew status report."

The Power Glove replied, "All living crew are currently aboard the Normandy's escape pods save for Commander Sloane Shepard and Flight Lieutenant Jeffery Moreau."

"Joker..." Sloane said under her breath, "Liara, I gotta go get Joker. That fool's going to go down with the ship."

"I'll come with you," the Asari science lady said and began to unbuckle her seatbelt.

"No Liara. It's too dangerous. I'll take another pod with Joker and meet you at the drop site," Sloane said.

Liara nodded and in a whisper said, "I love you Sloane."

"I love you too Liara. Be safe," Sloane said as the escape pod door closed and sealed shut before deploying a moment later.

Sloane made her way through the flames past her command post to the cockpit. She stepped over a body that she was almost certain was X.O. Presley, but tried not to think about it. She entered the cockpit to find Joker still seated in his chair. At first Sloane thought it was because of the fact that Joker had bum legs and therefore couldn't walk to the escape pod located a few feet from where he sat, but as she got closer it became obvious that Joker was still attempting to land the Normandy.

"Joker! The fuck are you doing mang?" Sloane asked as Joker threw switches like a man possessed, "The ship's going down. You gotta get outta here!"

"I can land her! I'm sure of it!" Joker exclaimed as another blast slammed into the Normandy from their anonymous assailant.

"You can't Joker. The engine's are shot. The thrusters are gone. You've done all you can. No need for the Alliance to lose their best ship and their best pilot in a single day," Sloane said, "C'mon I'll help you out of here."

Joker sighed. "Alright Commander. You're right." He stood slowly and Sloane threw her arms around him to help pull him out of the chair. "Dude watch it! My bones are like glass remember."

Sloane apologized and helped lead Joker across the cockpit and into the escape pod. She had just gotten him into the pod when a laser blast cut through the cockpit. Sloane jumped back to avoid being cleaved in two as the laser seared the cockpit in two. An inferno erupted before her. There was no way she would be able to get to the escape pod with Joker.

"Joker, go. I'll get another pod," Sloane said.

"You sure Commander?" Joker asked.

"That's an order Moreau!"

Joker pulled the escape pod's door closed and a moment later it was jettisoned. Sloane turned to head back towards the other escape pods. Hopefully there would be one left. As she began to make her way past the flames another blast tore into the Normandy, splitting the ship in two. Sloane was sucked from the gaping hole into the nothingness of space. As she floating from the burning wreckage of the Normandy she finally caught sight of the thing that had wrecked house on her ship so completely: a massive spaceship the likes of which she had never seen before. The hulking juggernaut fired another laserblast at the Normandy causing it to explode.

Hiss. Sloane heard the serpentine noise and instinctively reached up to feel her oxygen feeds. Just as she'd feared, they'd become torn when she was sucked out of the wreck of the Normandy and she was losing oxygen rapidly. Sloane felt tears well up in her eyes and roll down her cheeks for she knew she was going to die a horribly painful death. Alone in the nothingness of space Sloane Shepard closed her eyes as death took her.

Commercial Break

Sloane looked around. Everything was hazy and the sounds were muffled as though she were underwater. A bright light glared down at her. She seemed to be in some sort of medical facility, but she had no idea where.

A muffled, vaguely Australian voice mumbled, "She's coming to. It's too early still. Quick! Get a sedative."

Sloane tried to see who was talking but everything was just a blur. She tried to ask the person if they were Doctor Chocolate, but she found herself unable to speak. She tried to raise her arm but someone mumbled something at her and a moment later a needle was jabbed into her arm and Sloane once again faded from consciousness.

When Sloane next came to alarms were screaming. Was she back on the Normandy? Had that entire episode in the medical bay been some weird dream? She looked around and realized that she was in fact in a weird medical bay that she'd never seen before. At least it wasn't on fire.

"Shepard, get up," a woman's voice said over the intercom. She sounded Australian. "Go over to the cabinet and open the top drawer. You'll find a pistol in there."

Sloane slid out of the bed still dressed in a hospital gown and walked over to the cabinet and there in top drawer found a tiny pistol. "Wow...thanks," Sloane said sarcastically as she picked up the minuscule gun and checked the sight on it.

"We're a medical facility...what did you expect?" the Australian woman asked, "Alright go to the door and out into the hall. There's some mechs that have gone berserk, you're going to have to take them out."

"What the shit is even going on here?" Sloane asked as she went out into the hall and fired at the mechs lurking outside the door. She hit the first one square in the head causing its mechanical body to twitch wildly a moment before collapsing in a heap.

"I'm trying to get you out of here alive," the woman replied as Sloane blasted the second mech, "If we get out of her in one piece I'll answer all your questions okay?"

"Alright. The mechs are down. Where am I going now?" Sloane asked.

"You need to make your way to shuttle bay," the woman said, "The station has been compromised and we need to get out of here. Go through the doors to your right and follow that hallway." There was the sound of gunfire and the comlink suddenly cut off. Sloane was on her own.

She made her way through the doors, the cold air of the station giving her bared buttocks goosebumps. Sloane wished she had some body armor, or at least a pair of pants. She made her way down the hall, taking out another couple mechs as she went, coming at last to a large chamber in which she saw a black guy dressed in a military uniform crouched behind a crate shooting more berserk mechs that were hiding out on the other side of the room. One of the mechs spotted her and began blasting lasers in her general direction so Sloane dove behind the crate.

The soldier looked at her and grinned. "Shit's gotta be really fucked if they've got you up Shepard," he said.

"You know me?" Sloane asked as she stuck her lame pistol up over the crate and took a potshot at the mechs blasting lasers at them.

"You're the reason we're all here," the man said, "The name's Jacob by the way. Jacob Black-Kaidan. Man this is taking too long. You wanna see something badass?"

"Always."

"Check this shit out!" Jacob said and then stood and cast a space magic spell at the mechs sending them careening across the room and smashing into a wall. "Pretty rad huh?"

"It's alright I guess," Sloane said, "Better than what I can do sure, but have you ever seen an Asari do that shit? Fuckin' unreal. I once saw this Asari tear apart a platoon of cybermen and an anti-spaceship gun without breaking a sweat and this was just some bookworm researcher lady, not an Asari Commando or anything."

"Sounds awesome," Jacob replied, "C'mon we need to move. The station's totally overrun. I think together you and I can make it to the shuttle bay okay."

"What about that lady? Uh...she sounds Australian. Should we look for her?" Sloane asked.

"Miranda? Nah, she's a stone cold badass," Jacob replied, "She's probably in the shuttle bay already. C'mon let's make a move."

"Can I ask you something?" Sloane asked.

Jacob nodded, "Yeah sure."

"I died. How am I alive again?"

Jacob groaned, "I don't know the specifics of it...I'm just a solider right, but they brought you back. I saw you when you came in. You were pretty much fucked, just meat and tubes, but they patched you up. Took them two years but they did it, and before you ask you're not a clone or a cyborg or anything like that. You're the same you that you were when they brought you in in a sack."

"Two years," Sloane said, "Fuck..."

"Yeah that's gotta be a mind trip," Jacob Black-Kaidan replied, "Anything else you want to know?"

"You keep saying 'they.' Who exactly are 'they?'" Sloane asked as she and Jacob made their way through a mech filled hallway. Sloane fired her weak as shit pistol at them and longed to have a proper shotgun in her hands. Killing robots took far too long with a pistol.

Jacob space magicked the last mech into gears and circuit boards and then looked at Sloane and said, "You promise you won't freak out?"

"I guess so."

"You ever hear of Cerberus?" Jacob asked.

"Yeah. Those creepy science terrorists right? I messed up a bunch of their bases a couple years ago after they killed Admrial Kotaku," Sloane said.

"Yeah, this is a Cerberus facility. It was Cerberus that brought you back to life," Jacob said, "Look, I'll be the first to admit that Cerberus has done some shady shit in the past and I understand if you don't trust us, but you're going to have to at least trust me a little bit if we're going to get out of here alright?"

Sloane felt like she'd been punched in the gut. Why would Cerberus have brought her back to life? What had they done to her doing those two years? Jacob was right though, she'd at least need to trust them enough to get off the station alive. "Alright Jacob, let's keep moving."

As they made their way towards the shuttle bay Jacob's intercom squawked to life, "Hello? Is there anyone there? Oh god the mechs...there are too many."

"Doctor Biggs is that you?" Jacob asked.

"Officer Black-Kaidan? Oh god...please hurry. OH FUCK! MY LEG! THAT ASSHOLE SHOT MY LEG!" the voice on the intercom screamed.

Jacob double timed it down the hall and into another glowing room filled with mechs going buck wild and shooting up the place. A balding man in his middle years was laid out on the floor behind a pile of crates, a laserblast wound in his leg. "You know how to patch a leg up?" Jacob asked.

"Yeah. I'll need medi-goop to do it but I know how," Sloane replied.

Jacob pointed to a first aid kit on the wall and was all like, "There should be some medi-goop in there. You patch him Doctor Biggs up, I'll take care of these buck wild mechs!"

Sloane agreed and headed toward the first aid kit again becoming very aware of the fact that her backside was more or less exposed by the hospital gown. Jacob was a little occupied by the heap of buck wild mechs running roughshod on the facility so she didn't worry about him sneaking a peak but Doctor Biggs? As she opened to first aid kit, Sloane found herself hoping that he was blinded by pain. With the medi-goop in hand she returned to the wounded Doctor and slathered in on his laserblasted leg. The wound faded almost instantly.

"You alright Doctor..."

"Doctor Biggs. Emanuel Wedge Biggs," the balding man said, "and yes, I am much better now thank you. My leg is nearly as good as new, so let's head for the shuttles now yes?"

At that moment Jacob returned. He had wrecked house on the mechs that had been going buck wild and looked at Doctor Biggs with disdain. "So Doc, how'd you get in here unscathed? Past all the mechs strolling about in the hall?"

"Uhhh...I was in here when they just started going wild," Doctor Biggs said, "You believe me right Shepard?"

Sloane scoffed, "You're kidding right? You seem shifty as fuck. That Australian lady too. Neither of you were like, 'Oh by the way we are crazy scientist cum terrorist who did weird shit to bring you back to life. Hail Cerberus!' Jacob at least was like, 'Yo here's the score, terrorist brought you back from the dead, but I'm just a guard so I don't really know why.'"

Doctor Biggs scowled, "You told her that? The Smoking Man is not going to be happy!"

"She'd find out eventually," Jacob retorted, "I mean there's a goddamn Cerberus logo on the side of the shuttle we're trying to get to. Besides wasn't the entire point of bringing her back to life so she could help the Smoking Man on some big project?"

"Ha. Like that's going to happen," Sloane said.

"Biggs we should probably go look for Miranda," Jacob interjected before the Doctor had a chance to reply to Sloane's rude comment. He glanced at Sloane who had a look of confusion on her face and then added, "That Australian lady."

Sloane was like, "Ohhhh...Miranda. Yeah she seemed like she was in a bad way. I mean I don't really care if she lives or dies, but when I last spoke with her there was gunfire and then the radio transmission crapped out."

"Fuck Miranda," Doctor Biggs spat, "She's dead by now and anyway it was probably her that hacked the system and caused the mechs to go buck wild. We don't have the time or manpower to go searching for her corpse. C'mon both of you! That's an order!"

Sloane put her hands on her hips and stared him down. She trusted this guy less and less. As the trio made their way towards the shuttle bay, Sloane thought about the Doctor's leg wound. She hadn't really paid it much mind in the fog of war, but now that she was thinking about it, the angle of the entry and exit wounds were all wrong. Sloane tried to put the thought that Doctor Biggs had shot himself in the leg as part of some long con out of her mind as she gunned down more buck wild mechs with her piece of shit pistol. Several minutes and a heap of ruined mechs later they were approaching the door to the shuttle bay.

"Dude for reals we should go back and look for Miranda," Jacob said.

"Fuck Miranda!" Doctor Biggs bellowed, "It's that bitch's fault that these robots all went fucking insane. Good riddance to bad rubbish." Biggs then opened the door to the shuttle bay and promptly got shot in the chest. A busty woman in a white catsuit stepped out of the doorway, a thin plume of smoke emanating from the barrel of her lasergun.

"Fucking Biggs tried to kill us all," she said in a thick Australian accent, "Bloody drongo reprogrammed the mechs to attack and then smashed up the override controls. Come on now, let's be off before the rest of the mechs head this way. I'm sure the Illusive Man will want to meet you anyway."

"Fuck that. I'm not going anywhere with you," Sloane retorted angrily, "You are all a bunch of lunatics. I know what you're people did to Admiral Kotaku. I saw your fucking zany experiments with giant sandworms first hand. I don't even know what the fuck you really even did to me. As far as I'm concerned you can fuck off and die."

"Um...you do realize there's only one shuttle left to get off this station right?" Miranda said.

"I was not aware of that fact. Let's go then."

Commercial Break

The shuttle puttered along through the cosmos. It was a tight fit, the three of them crammed into the passenger compartment of the tiny subcompact shuttle. Miranda pulled up her Power Glove and punched something into it before saying, "It's going to be a little while until we get where we're going so I might as well run these tests now."

"What tests?" Sloane asked suspiciously.

"Just some tests to determine if the procedures you underwent had any negative impact on your memory. First question...what happened on Acooze after you joined the Alliance military?"

"Miranda do we have to do this now?" Jacob asked. Sloane couldn't tell if he was concerned for her or merely wanted Miranda to be quiet so he could sleep.

"No, it's alright Jacob," Sloane said, "My unit was wiped out by a sandworm...I was the only one to survive."

Miranda nodded and typed something into the Power Glove before asking, "What can you tell me about Dave Kaidan?"

"Uhh...he asked me out on a date once and then got really gross about it when I told him no. I mean, maybe he was an okay dude, but I just don't like dudes, but he was all rude about it and told me to go 'dyke it up with that blue-skinned skank,' or something like that."

"Is that why you let him die on Wiemar Republic? Because of his attitude about your personal relationships?"

"What? No. He was part of a mission to disarm some guns or something and they got caught in an ambush. A lot of good soldiers died that day so countless others could live. I had to make a choice between trying to save Dave and making sure the mission got completed and I chose to ensure the mission got completed. Lt. Kaidan knew the risks of the mission...we all did. For you to suggest that because he offended me I somehow planned for him to get ambushed by Seville's cybermen allies is offensive!"

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry," Miranda replied, "Okay, just one more thing. Tell me about...fuck, I'm totally going to butcher this name...uh...Lee-air Tea-sunny?"

"Liara? What do you want me to tell you about her?"

"Were you two close?" Miranda asked.

"Miranda, is this really necessary?" Jacob asked, "There's a bunch of other stuff you could ask her about to check if her brain is intact."

Sloane ignored Jacob and answered the Australian woman, "We were as close as two individuals can be. Have you ever been in love Miranda?"

Miranda nodded, "I suppose I have."

"Have you ever let someone you love into your mind? Have they ever let you into their mind? Like really in each others minds? Because that is what I had with Liara," Sloane said. She could feel herself on the verge of crying when she asked, "Do you know if she survived the attack on the Normandy?"

"She did," Miranda replied, "as did most of your crew."

"Two years...she's thought I was dead for two years now," Sloane said, "She probably has someone else now doesn't she...no, don't tell me. It's better if I don't know."

"Okay! So now we'll just need to test your combat reflexes and we'll be all set," Miranda said.

Jacob was beside himself, "Are you serious? She fought her way out of a goddamn mech infested space station with some crappy pistol wearing nothing but a hospital gown and got out without a scratch on her...well, without a scratch on her besides the horrible scars from whatever you science nerds did to bring her back to life. Her combat reflexes are on point."

Miranda the Australian smirked, "Alright. Alright. Let's just hope your word on her combat prowess is good enough for the Illusive Man."

"Who is this Illusive Man?" Sloane asked, "Is he the same guy as the Smoking Man?"

"Yes, but beyond that I can't really tell you much else. He's nearly as big a mystery to us as he is to you. I do know that he's high up in the Cerberus chain of command, though how high up he actually is I couldn't say. He tells us what to do and we do it," Miranda said, "He's very interested in you...invested a lot of time and money into bringing you back from the dead. I think he's got big plans for you."

"He's going to be sorely disappointed," Sloane said, "I'm not doing shit for any of you. First chance I get I'm gone. I'll go back to the Citadel and rejoin the Alliance military or maybe go back to being a Spectre...I haven't really decided yet."

"A lot's changed in the past two years Shepard," Miranda said, "I'm sorry to be the one to tell you this, but a lot of the people you counted among your friends and allies probably won't be too happy to see you alive again. Like I said before, the Illusive Man is very interested in meeting you so at least pay him a visit and see what he has to say. Maybe he'll let you go if you tell him you don't want to work with him...who knows? You'll have a chance to ask him soon. We're beginning docking procedures now."

---

Sloane looked down at the ridiculous Cerberus petty officer's uniform she was clad in as she made her way through the halls of the space station towards the lift to the Illusive Smoking Man's office. I was better than the ass revealing hospital gown, but not by much. Sloane made her way into the lift and was instantly surrounded by a bright light that she first thought to be some sort of decontamination device but soon revealed itself to be an augmented communication device. The lift wasn't a lift at all but rather a holographic comlink.

She looked around and saw a nondescript man seated in a dickfucking awesome executive's chair of the finest leather surrounded by a holographic representation the universe as if to give the impression that this gentleman was God. Sloane thought it to be a little much and stifled a laugh. "So you must be the Illusive Smoking Man," Sloane said, "What's with the holographic communique? You scared of me? You a yellow bellied coward?"

The man took a drag from his cigarette and smirked. "I know everything there is to know about you Sloane Shepard...would you blame me for being wary around you?"

"So what the fuck do you want asshole?" Sloane asked curtly.

"A woman who cuts to the chase...I like that," the Illusive Smoking Man said, "Over the past few years there have been a series of disappearances from human colonies in the Traverse. Entire populations just disappearing, leaving their settlements deserted."

"So what did you fuckers do? Drop a threasher maw down there? Poison gas? Figure out a way to weaponize thorian spores?"

The Illusive Smoking Man laughed, started to cough, and then laughed some more. "Nothing of the sort Miss Shepard. You have the wrong idea about Cerberus I fear. All of our experiments have been to advance humanity. The Citadel and Alliance might have problems with our methodology but we would never do anything like what you described to innocent human colonists."

"So Kotaku just poisoned himself in your labs? That's funny," Sloane said, "If you didn't do it what do you care? It sounds more like an Alliance thing anyway."

"The Alliance still has not fully recovered from the Battle of the Citadel and lacks the manpower to look into disappearances of frontier settlements. Besides, there are no discernable patterns to any of these disappearance. The colonies that disappear are scattered throughout the traverse. Sometimes several colonies will vanish within hours of one another and other times months will pass between vanishings. The only common thread between these events is that none of the colonies have shown sign of resistance. There is no evidence of a firefight in any of the colonies. The alliance can quite easily write these off as isolated incidents of colonists simply abandoning colonies."

Sloane shrugged and said, "I don't know why you care about this at all."

"Like I said," said the Illusive Smoking Man, "Cerberus cares deeply about the advancement of humanity. How can humanity advance when our colonies are invaded and out people are kidnapped?"

"Okay, let me try this another way. I don't know why I should care about this at all," Sloane said, "I've been gone two years dude. I've got shit to get back to. I've got a girlfriend to find and a job to do."

"You're a hard woman to bargain with Miss Shepard," the Illusive Smoking man said as he puffed on his cigarette, "There was a recent disappearance at the human colony of Freedom Rock. I'd like you to go and investigate it. Usually when we hear about these disappearances we get there after Alliance investigators and sometimes even scavengers...those damn Qunari and their ilk, so the scene is all contaminated, but this time..."

Sloane interrupted asking, "Didn't you just say the Alliance doesn't have the manpower or desire to look into these disappearances? And now their investigators are getting there before you? Which is it dude? Are they looking into these disappearances or not?"

The Illusive Smoking Man looked annoyed, "That wasn't what I meant before. They send 'investigators,' but they never dig deep enough to uncover what is going on there," he said, making air quotes and rolling his eyes as he said "investigators." The Illusive Smoking Man snuffed out the butt of his cigarette and promptly lit another before continuing, "Like I was saying we have assurances that the site of this most recent disappearance is still preserved, so I'd like you to go down with Jacob and Miranda to check it out. If afterwards you're not completely satisfied we can talk about sending you back home."

"Fine I'll go to Freedom Rock and check it out," Sloane said with disgust, "You know I was a Spectre right? And the commander of my own Alliance vessel? So, as I'm sure you can imagine, I don't do well with people telling me what to do. If you think for a second I'm going to take orders from Miranda or Jacob, you've got another thing coming buddy."

The Illusive Smoking Man blew a ring of smoke, "I will make sure that Miranda and Jacob know who is in charge. Good luck at Freedom Rock. I look forward to hearing about your discoveries." The Illusive Smoking Man then faded from sight and Sloane was once again alone in the fake elevator certain that she had just made a deal with the devil.

Mass Effect - S02E02 - Freedom Rock

"Put the shuttle down over by those buildings over there Jacob," Miranda Australian said as the small Cerberus shuttlecraft descended towards the Human settlement of Freedom Rock.

Sloane Shepard ahemmed loudly, "Ahem! Who's in charge here?"

Miranda got a real hangdog look and cast her eyes downward before mumbling, "You are..."

Sloane smirked and said, "You're goddamn right I am! So that means I give the orders. You got it?"

"Yes," Miranda muttered as she rolled her eyes.

"Yes what?"

"Yes ma'am."

"Good! Maybe you aren't as dumb as you look after all," Sloane replied sarcastically and then with a grin she turned toward Jacob and said, "Now Jacob I want you to land over by those buildings alright?"

Black-Kaidan began the landing procedure bringing the landing craft down beside a large prefabricated building. It was the type of structure one would find on any Human settlement less than five or so years old: highly functional and completely nondescript. Anyone who had spent anytime at all on the colonies knew the interior layout without having to set foot inside.

The ship touched down roughly causing the cabin to shake. Miranda looked as though she would sick up all over everything but Sloane just smiled. Over the years serving in the Alliance she'd become so accustomed to terrible space car drops the shock of which would send her uterus up into her throat that she welcomed a rocky shuttle landing with open arms.

"Alright, let's get all geared up and head out there now and look for evidence or whatever the shit we're supposed to be doing here in Freedom Rock," Sloane said before heading over to the weapons locker. She opened the locker and there before her among the uzis and pistols was something she'd been looking for since returning from the dead: a sweetass shotgun. Sloane took the gleaming piece down from its hook and swung it over her shoulder. As a lark she also picked up an uzi and clipped it to her weapon belt. She then turned to the two Cerberus assholes and was like, "Okay, I'm all set. Let's rock!"

The trio stepped out of the shuttle out into the snowy landscape of Freedom Rock and crossed the distance between their shuttle and the nearest distance. Night had already fallen and most of the compound was blackened. A few flickering lights providing brief moments of illumination. The only sound heard was the crunch of snow under their feet. Sloane noticed that there were no footprints anywhere to be seen. The building they first saw had a sweetass mural painted on the side, but was otherwise looked identical to all the other buildings in the area. The trio entered the structure and found it completely and totally deserted. The table was set for supper though the food rations in the serving dishes had long since gone cold.


Turn it up mang!

"This is really weird," Miranda Australian said, "It's like they just vanished in the middle of their meal."

As annoying as she was proving to be Miranda did have a point. There were no signs of a struggle within the building. No knocked over furniture or blaster damage. Nothing to give even the slightest inkling of what had transpired in the settlement. Sloane sighed in disappointment.

"Come on, maybe we can find something in one of the other buildings," she said and then made her way out the backdoor of the Freedom Rock mural building and walked across a snow covered catwalk towards a pair of buildings identical to the Freedom Rock mural building. As Sloane trudged through the snowy trudgemank of Freedom Rock a laserblast suddenly streaked past her. Up ahead some sort of mech had its gun out and was trying to blast the fuck out of Sloane and her companions. Sloane wasn't having that and thus got out her shotgun and let out a resounding blast of "BOOYAH!" She expected to see the mech get blown apart, but instead she watched her shotgun shell fall to the ground ineffectively a short distance in front of her. She probably could have thrown it further by hand.

"The fuck is this bullshit?" Sloane shouted as she dove behind a space crate to take cover from the mech's laser assault. "Lousy Cerberus weapons," she muttered to herself as she shouldered the useless shotgun and slammed an ammo clip into the uzi she'd taken out of the weapon locker. "Fucking piece of shit shotgun!" she mumbled as she came up from her hiding place and fired the uzi at the mech. The bullets tore through the machine man like a bullet through a mech and the automaton exploded in a shower of sparks and mechanical bullshit.

Suddenly a robodog came bounding out of someone's backyard. "BARK_001000111000! BARK_001000111000!" the robodog barked as it lunged at Jacob Black-Kaidan.

"Ow my balls!" Jacob screamed as the robodog bit down on his jollysack.

Sloane pulled the trigger of her uzi sending a spray of bullets towards the robodog dangling from Jacob's danglers. The bullets fucked the robodog's ass up like in a car crash and the mechanical canine let out a whimper, "WHINE_110001001100111..." before collapsing in the snow, a heap of useless gears and servos.

"The fuck is this bullshit?" Jacob asked.

"I know! I used to wreck house with a fucking shotgun. But this fucking thing?" Sloane exclaimed as she tossed her shotgun on the ground, "Fucking garbage. You guys, for being some big time mad scientist terrorist operation have some pretty sorry shotguns. Believe that!"

"I was talking about these service mechs attacking us," Jacob said as he gingerly touched his crotch and winced in pain, "Someone programmed them to do that."

"Which means someone could still be here!" Miranda said enthusiastically.

"Miranda! I'm not going to tell you again, I'm one who's in charge her which means I'm the one who gets to make all the obvious statements to propel plot forward! And before you go getting any big ideas, I also get to be the one who drops cool one liners when confronted with danger!" Sloane shouted in disgust at the busty Australian.

Miranda looked down at her feet and meekly muttered, "Yes ma'am."

"The fact that these mechs were programmed to attack means that someone has been here since the vanishing went down, which means that maybe someone here saw what went down," Sloane said, "Come on, let's go check out that building over there."

Together the three individuals united by happenstance cross another catwalk leading up to another building nearly identical to every other building in the settlement. There appeared to be a light emanating from the inside of the building and as they approached the door, Sloane thought she heard the sound of movement from within. She readied her uzi as she hit the switch, causing the door of the structure to hiss open. Upon hear the sound a trio of Qunari scavengers kneeling over a half disassembled VCR on a coffee table scrambled to their feet and drew their cobbled together blunderbusses and laser guns.

"Shepard...is that you?" a familiar voice inquired.

"Tali?"

Commercial Break

"You died. How are you here? Are you a clone?" the Qunari princess asked nervously.

Sloane shook her head. "No, not a clone. Go ahead. Ask me something only you and I would know if you need me to prove it."

"What did I take back to the Floatilla to complete my Pilgrimage?" Tali asked. Her companions still had their blunderbusses pointed at Jacob and Miranda who likewise had their own guns drawn and aimed at the Qunari. Tali and Sloane, however, had lowered their firearms.

"Unless you found something else in the two years that I've been gone you brought back some data about the cybermen that you and I found in a lab," Sloane replied, "You can ask me something else if you want."

"No, I believe you are really you, though I'm surprised to see you here with them," as she spoke, Tali motioned towards Jacob and Miranda. "I thought you were better than that Shepard."

"It's complicated Tali. I want to explain it all to you, but we're on some shit here right now. As I'm sure you can see the entire settlement here as pretty much disappeared and we're trying to find out what happened," Sloane said, "So what are you three doing here?"

"One of our people came here on Pilgrimage," Tali said, "Vittore is his name. Anyway we got a weird message from him at three o'clock in the morning and came out to see what was happening. When we arrived we got attacked by some mechs that Vittore must have reprogrammed to attack on sight and then came in here to repair our guns before we went back out to look for him.

"Is it common for Qunari to make their Pilgrimage to remote settlements like this?" Sloane asked.

"We can go anywhere we choose, and Vittore...he didn't do so well with large crowds so he decided to come here and help with the colony," Tali replied.

One of the other Qunari quickly interjected, "Vittore was touched in the head...we should never have come here. If something killed or captured all the able-bodied humans here, what chance did a raving lunatic like Vittore have?"

"We aren't giving up on finding Vittore!" Tali said.

"Tali, maybe you could join us and we could work together on this," Sloane offered.

"I'd like to Shepard, but I really don't trust the people you are with," Tali replied, "If you want to help us look for Vittore though we would greatly appreciate it. We can stay in radio contact so we alert one another to any traps Vittore might have set or reprogrammed mechs we might come across. If we find Vittore first I will let you speak with him to see what he knows. Good luck Shepard...oh, and I'm glad to see you alive again."

A great sadness overcame Sloane as she told her friend that it was good to see her again as well and then watched as Tali and the other Qunaris exited the building and made their way down a catwalk into the inky darkness of night. She hoped that she would have a chance to speak to Tali again when this mission was over and she told the Illusive Smoking Man to fuck off once and for all. Miranda watched them go and then turned to Sloane and with a sneer said, "We have to find that Vittore guy first. If those Qunari find him before we do we will never get a chance to talk to him. You know how those tech vultures are."

Sloane scowled at the Australian and shouted, "Fuck you Miranda! Tali I trust and if she said she would let us talk to Vittore then she will let us talk to Vittore. That woman was my friend but maybe she's not anymore on account of you fucking assholes. God I hate you all so much you Kotaku killing, shotgun failing, friendship ruining motherfuckers!" She then dropped to her knees and pounded her fists into her thighs and wailed.

Jacob elbowed Miranda in the ribs and whispered, "Good job Miranda...can't you ever shut your fucking mouth for like two seconds?"

"How was I to know she'd go mental over a substandard shotgun and an angry Qunari?"

Sloane stood up and turned to face the two Cerberus goons. She aimed her uzi at Miranda's head and muttered, "Shut up both of you. I swear to Christ I will shoot both of you here in this room right now and leave this planet with the Qunari if either of you say another goddamn word. Do you understand?"

Jacob nodded, but Miranda opened her mouth to begin to speak. Before a single syllable had past between Miranda's lips, Sloane squeezed the trigger of her uzi sending a hail of bullets whizzing just over the Australian's head. A millimeter lower and her brains would have been splattered all over the wall behind her. "Consider that your only warning!" Sloane said, "Come on, let's help those Qunari find Vittore," before stepping out into the cold night air.

"Shepard...be careful near the shipping crates. There were some security drones that we were able to sneak past. I don't know if we just got lucky or if they were inoperative or what. Just be on your toes," Tali's voice said over the intercom.

"Thanks Tali."

Sure enough some security drones came swooping down from the shipping crates as Sloane and the two Cerberus fuckfaces approached. Sloane was ready though and took aim with her uzi firing a mess o' bullets at the fluttering security drones. "AW YE YE! BAG 'EM AND TAG 'EM!" Sloane screamed triumphantly as the security drone exploded. The now silent Miranda and Jacob made short work of the other security drones, but they wisely refrained from following suit and screaming, "AW YE YE!" as well.

With the security drones dispatched, Sloane and company pressed forward. Tali's voice once more come over the intercom, "Sloane, my minions rushed ahead and got ambushed by some kind of lifter mech down in the warehouse. Looks like both of us are teamed up with some read d-bags. You think you could come give me a hand?"

"Yeah, we're en route Tali. Hold tight," Sloane said as she made her way towards the warehouse double time. As she approached she could here the sounds of a lifter mech hoisting and slamming barrels and crates about. If any of those crates hit the Qunaris they certainly be done!

As she got closer she saw the lifter stomping about like an angry child. Sloane got into position behind some space crates and clipped her uzi to her belt. She was going to need something a little more hardcore than an uzi to take out an armored lifter mech. Sloane looked in her bag of tricks and noticed something she hadn't noticed before: a sweetass rocket launcher. Sloane pumped her fist and shouted "AW YE YE!" as she took the rocket launcher out of the sack and readied it. Nearby a barrel went flying by. Sloane aimed the rocket launcher and pulled the trigger. The rocket streaked forward and slammed into the lifter mech exploded the goddamn shit out of it.

When the smoke from her rocket attack finally cleared, Sloane looked around. Maybe she'd be lucky and find Miranda and Jacob's bodies pancaked beneath some space shipping crates, but fortune did not smile upon Sloane that day for she saw them standing a few feet away quite alive. Tali's companions however had not fared so well and had been reduced to bloody smears on the ground, their shit totally ruined by some Donkey Kong barrels.

Tali sighed in exasperation. "These two idiots rushed in here like a pair of Leroy Jenkinses and now they're dead. Idiots," she said dismissively, "Anyway thanks for the save Shepard. It was almost like old times again, only without you and Liara gazing longingly at each others' backsides when you thought no one was watching."

"I did no such thing," Sloane said.

"Shepard, please. This visor might be reflective from the outside but I can see through it perfectly fine," Tali said, "Though I will admit Liara was guilty of it for more often then you were, but enough about that. Let's look for Vittore alright? I'll check that building over there if you check this one here."

"Okay Tali."

Sloane looked at her companions with disdain as Tali walked off towards the building she had elected to investigate. "You heard the woman, let's go see what's inside that building," she said to the two Cerberus assholes she'd gotten stuck with. As she walked towards the small prefabricated building she thought to herself how much she hated Miranda and, to a lesser extent, Jacob. They were hands down the worst people she'd ever had the grave misfortune of meeting. She wanted to scream again, but fought the urge and opened the door to the building.

"Gotta hide or the monsters will get me. Gotta hide. Monsters. Monsters everywhere," a nervous looking Qunari sat ringing his hands as he watched a bank of video screens depicting live feeds from surveillance cameras from throughout the camp. "Monsters. Gotta hide from the monsters. Oh dear...oh dear."

"Vittore?" Sloane asked in a gentle voice befitting a kindergarten teacher. The Qunari did not seem to pay her any attention, instead he continued to stare dumbly at the security footage and mumble about "monsters." Sloane was quite of the mind that drastic times called for drastic measures and took out her Power Glove and quickly hacked into the video feed and interrupted the transmission. The bank of video displays suddenly went black and the Qunari stood and turned to face Sloane and her companions.

"Did you hide from the monsters too?" he asked, "I thought they took everyone else. I hid here when they came. Where did you hide?"

"We just arrived here a little while ago," Sloane said calmly, "Your name is Vittore right?"

"Yes. I am Vittore. You were just outside? Did you see any monsters?"

Sloane, trying he level best to sound matronly, replied in a soothing voice, "No Vittore, we didn't see any monsters, just some mechs and another Qunari who came looking for you. Vittore, do you think you could tell me what the monsters looked like?"

"I can show you," Vittore said and placed his Power Glove upon his fist and booted it up. A moment later grainy security footage of some wrong thing strolling though Freedom Rock appeared on the display monitors. In all her travels Sloane had seen a lot of weird shit, but never a wrong thing quite so wrong as the wrong thing that appeared on the monitor. Sloane turned and saw that Miranda was forcibly holding her own mouth shut.

"What is it Miranda?" Sloane asked, "You have permission to talk."

Sloane instantly regretted giving her permission to speak because the terrible Australian woman did just that. "That looks like a Collector. They rarely come out of their own galaxy, but on occasion the come to some of the frontier worlds of the Terminus System to trade."

"Trade for what?" Sloane asked.

"Slaves mostly. Species with weird genetic mutations from what I hear," Miranda replied, "I've never heard of them harvesting humans before, let alone an entire settlement."

Sloane nodded and then called Tali on the intercom. "Tali, we found your guy in that building. He was pretty nervous about monsters but we've calmed him down a bit. You might want to come over here and pick him up."

"Thank you Shepard, I'll be right over," came Tali's reply.

Miranda was incredulous. "What did you do that for?" she demanded, "He's the only person alive who saw what happened here. We need to take him back to the Illusive Smoking Man to answer any other questions our fearless leader might have!"

"First of all, the Illusive Smoking Man is not my leader, fearless or otherwise. I never voted for him or even agreed to work for him so, as far as I'm concerned, he can fuck. Secondly look at this guy. He's clearly not well and needs medical treatment. You think he'd be able to answer any other questions?"

At that moment Tali entered the room and asked, "What's going on here Shepard?"

"This bitch wants to take Vittore with us back to the Cerberus Space Base," Sloane said her voice indicating her disgust, "Vittore saw what happened her and she thinks we should bring him with us to answer more questions. I think he's in pretty rough shape and needs to go back to the Floatilla with you to get treated by Qunari doctors or psychologists since I'm done with these Cerberus fuckers as soon as we leave Freedom Rock and don't trust them to do right by Vittore if I'm not there to keep an eye on them."

"Thank you Shepard," Tali replied before addressing Vitorre, "Vitorre, come. I'm going to take you home now okay?"

Vittore nodded and walked across the room to join Tali. "Goodbye Shepard," Tali said, "It was good to see you again even if it was under unpleasant circumstances." She then turned to leave the building with Vittore, but Sloane shouted, "Tali! Wait! Do you think I could get a copy of the surveillance footage Vitorre's got on his Power Glove? It's got footage of what went down here that I'd like to show to the Alliance to try to get them to act on these disappearances and steal Cerberus' thunder."

Tali nodded and said, "Of course Shepard." The Qunari princess took Vittore's arm and input something into his Power Glove. A moment later Sloane's own Power Glove beeped and lit up with a message reading, "FILE TRANSFER COMPLETE." Sloane thanked Tali and then watched as her friend walked out the door, leaving her, once again, alone with the two worst people ever.

"Come on, let's get out of here," Sloane said, "I have had just about as much of you two assholes as I can take."

Commercial Break

Sloane made her way into the holographic communications suite and was surrounded by a wash of bright light. A moment later the drab space base walls were replaced with a representation of the universe at the center of which sat the Illusive Smoking Man upon an executive's throne of the finest leather. The Illusive Smoking Man stubbed out a cigarette butt in his crystal-gold ashtray and pulled a fresh one from his cigarette case and lit it with gusto.

"Glad to see you've return Miss Shepard," he said, "Did you find anything interesting at Freedom Rock?"

"Cut the nice guy bullshit. You know exactly what we found dicknose," Sloane said, "I was there when Miranda transmitted our findings to you."

"So now you know the gravity of the situation," the Illusive Smoking Man replied.

"Yup, so I'm going to take that video and go back to the Citadel and show it to the Alliance," Sloane replied, "So smell ya later dude."

The Illusive Smoking Man took a drag from his cigarette appearing to be somewhere in flavor country. He smiled at Sloane and said, "You think the Alliance will care about that? You are sadly mistaken."

"Dude I worked for the Alliance for like ten years before I fake died," Sloane said, "I trust them a lot more than I trust you, so I'll take my chances, and if, like you said, they tell me to fuck off, I'm still a Spectre, so I'll use my Spectre Do What I Feel Privileges to do what I need to get to the bottom of this entire thing. Again, good sir, smell ya later."

"I think perhaps I haven't made myself clear enough Miss Shepard," the Illusive Smoking man said elusively as he smoked and blew a ring of cigarette smoke into the air, "We here at Cerberus aim to improve the human condition, and right now we need your help to accomplish that."

"No dude you've made yourself perfectly clear. What you haven't done is open your fucking ears and listen to a single thing I've said so let me repeat myself again for the ninetieth time: I don't want anything to do with you or Cerberus. I want to go find my crew and get back to stopping the Reapers."

"Well it looks like we're at an impasse Miss Shepard," the Illusive Smoking Man said with a cigarette smoke exhaling sigh, "It's really a shame too because it sounds like you and I more or less want the same thing. I was so looking forward to this chance for you and I to work together. I even went so far as to have my engineers build you a ship in preparation. Here, take a look."

The Illusive Smoking Man waved his arm with a flourish like a shitty stage magician and a segment of the projected starfield vanished revealing a shipyard in which a nearly perfectly replica of the Normandy sat ready to depart.

"We went through a lot of trouble to get it as close to the original as possible," the Illusive Smoking Man said, "Our engineers made a few minor improvements of course. You know, the sort of things the Alliance was either too cheap or too scared to splurge on. Listen, since your goals and ours are more or less the same here's what I'm going to do. The ship? She's yours. If you really want to stop the Reapers you're going to need a ship and the Notmandy is, without a doubt, the finest ship that isn't a Reaper in the entire galaxy."

Sloane had to admit it was a pretty good looking ship. "What's the catch?" she asked wearily, "You're not just going to give me a ship like that and then cut me loose."

The Illusive Smoking Man laughed, "Miss Shepard, you cut me to the quick. There's no catch. The ship's yours."

Sloane looked out at the Notmandy and the back at the Illusive Smoking Man. "I'd need a pilot and a skeleton crew of ten to twenty people depending on what sort of systems you've got in there," she said at last, "so thanks but no. If you could give me a shuttle that could get me to the nearest Mass Relay and back to the Citadel I'd appreciate it."

"What if I were to provide you with a pilot and a crew?" the Illusive Smoking Man asked with a queer grin, "I had hired people to crew the ship when I though that you and I would be working together Miss Shepard."

"They'd be loyal to you and we'd be back at square one," Sloane shot back, "I'd be working with Cerberus on a job I could do just as well with my own people."

"Why don't you at least meet the pilot before you make any assumptions about where the crew's loyalties lies?" the Illusive Smoking Man said. He then picked up a comlink and told whoever was on the other end to, "Send him in."

A moment later another segment of the universe faded away to reveal a door that hissed open. The Illusive Smoking Man took a long drag from his cigarette and exhaled slowly before he said, "Miss Shepard, I'd like you to meet the pilot of the Notmandy."

A figure slowly shuffled forward out of the murky darkness that permeated the doorway. He was clad in the uniform of a low ranking Cerberus officer and a baseball cap bearing the Cerberus logo was pulled low over his face. The shambling figure seemed vaguely familiar but she could not for the life of her put her finger on why. She stared at the figure lurking in the darkness a moment and then it struck Sloane like a bolt of lightning. She knew who it was. "

Jesus Christ! Joker? Is that you?" she shouted.

The former Normandy pilot looked up with a broad smile and said, "Hey Commander. It's good to see you again."

Stupid work has made me fall behind in your write-ups -- they need to be savored! -- but I'm glad to hear you and the Mako became BFFs.  Flying through the mass relay on the Citadel more than makes up for all the horrible Makoness that came before that moment, right? 

I hate them sooooo much.  Mainly because there's really no goddamn plot reason for Shepard to stay with them after that initial mission (to Freedom Rock or whatever it's really called).  The entire thrust of that mission was "Okay, you don't like us, I get it.  Just try this one mission on for size. If you're not 100% satisfied we'll give you a full refund," and when Tali showed up I was like, "Oh, this is my out.  I can ditch these fuckers and go back to the Citadel with Tali," but nope because Shepard is completely unable to talk badly about Cerberus to former allies.  I mean I can flip off the Illusive Smoking Man and be a dick to Miranda but the second someone from Shepard's past is like "Sorry Shep...you're pretty much a terrorist now," I can only shrug and be like, "Sorry you feel that way."

So I get back to Cerberus Space Station or whatever and instead of being able to be like "Smell ya later!" I am totally stuck with them because Shepard takes everything the strange man leading a terrorist/mad scientist collective says as the gospel.  "Yeah the Alliance totally doesn't care about this abduction shit even though I told you they were sending investigators who were interfering with our own investigations and also the Citadel has disavowed any knowledge of Reapers."  It turns out that he is more or less telling the truth, but why would Shepard believe him in the first place?  He never provides any hard evidence and the first person Shepard trusts who could confirm such claims is Joker who doesn't appear until after you more or less agree to join Cerberus.

Why they couldn't go with the "Oh and by the way when we brought you back to life we put a bomb in your brain.  You do what we want or it's curtains for you!" cliche or something of that ilk to force you into joining them I don't know.  Something like that would have at least made joining them somewhat logical.

Mass Effect - S02E04 - Get Your Gunn

"I must admit I'm a little surprised by how good you look in that dress," Kasumi said as she piloted the shuttle towards Hock Manor, "I thought you were trying to hide something with that Nehru jacket and those sensible slacks you wear on the ship, but you've got a nice body. Don't go getting any crazy ideas though okay? I'm strictly dickly."

Sloane cracked a smile and said, "I'll try to keep that in mind. So what's the plan here?"

"The plan's pretty simple. You will be playing the part of Allison Gunn, small time merc and recent Badass Monthly cover girl. I did a pretty good doctoring up your credentials so no one will get too suspicious unless you start trying to talk shop and make a fool of yourself. Pretty much you just need to stand around and look hot and distract all the bad boys and girls attending this little soiree while I break into the vault," Kasumi said as the shuttle puttered through the atmosphere.

"Allison Gunn?"

"I've been sitting on that one for awhile. Pretty badass huh?" Kasumi said proudly.

"Yeah it's pretty good I guess. So why aren't you wearing a dress too?"

"I don't really have the chest for it. Besides there's a three or four percent chance they won't let me in anyway," Kasumi said, "and if comes to that I'd rather be dressed comfortably. Bypassing security fences and evading robodogs in heels pretty much sucks. Before you ask we're sneaking your gear in in a statue, but I doubt you're going to need it. Well, this is the place."

Kasumi put the shuttle down a short distance from a palatial estate the likes of which Sloane had never seen. Growing up an orphan on Earth she was far more accustomed to homeless shelters and cardboard condominiums than she was palaces and mansions.

A pair of heavily armed guards stood at the front gate wielding sci-fi metal detectors. They were already scanning the statue containing Sloane's gear that Kasumi had prepped. The statue was a gaudy gold thing in the likeness of Seville the Terrarium or at least it was supposed to be Seville. It more or less looked like every Terrarium Sloane had seen in her life that is, of course, if Terrariums were gold plated paper machie containing shotguns and Uzis and body armor.

Sloane held her breath as the guards scanned the statue. If they discovered what was contained within it would be a firefight there on the front lawn and Sloane was not dressed for the occasion. A sleazeball with a white suit and poorly advised facial hair appeared at the gate as the guards scanned the statue.

"Donovan Hock," Kasumi whispered, "He owns this place and has my greybox."

The scumbag with shitty nu metal band bassist facial hair grinned and whistled appreciatively. "Miss Gunn the pictures in Badass Monthly did not do you justice. You are far more stunning in person."

"Thank you Mister Hock," Sloane said, "You are much too kind."

One of the guards approached Sloane with the sci-fi metal detector. Sloane glanced at Donovan Hock in askance.

"I apologize for the inconvenience Miss Gunn. When you're in our line of work you make a lot of enemies...merely a slight security measure," the grimy arms dealer said with a grin. The guard moved toward Kasumi with the scanner but Donovan Hock stopped him, "You needn't scan her, she's not coming in."

"I beg your pardon? Why can't my friend come in too?" Sloane asked.

"Because Miss Gunn," the scumfuck named Donovan Hock said, "I don't like the cut of her jib. I mean she looks like a Qunari in that hood. How trustworthy could she possible be with a hood like that?"

Sloane opened her mouth to say something in reply but Kasumi interrupted her. "It's okay Allison," she said, "I'll wait for you in the shuttle. One of us should stay sober anyway."

The scumbag with shitty facial hair laughed, "You might be waiting awhile...I've got plans for Miss Gunn." The guards laughed along with that douchebag, Donovan Hock, and Sloane very nearly smacked the taste out of Hock's mouth, but didn't want to blow her cover and held her emotions in check. "Come now Moss Gunn, allow me to show you my humble abode," Dovonvan "Dirtbag" Hock said.

"I just want to take my friend back to our shuttle," Sloane said. Hock looked annoyed, so Sloane quickly added, "and make sure I have a space condom in my clutch."

This seemed to please Donovan "D-Bag" Hock who smiled broadly and waved for her to go. "Just be quick about it Miss Gunn," he said and turned and walked back towards his mansion.

Kasumi and Sloane walked back towards the shuttle. "That was a nice touch...going back for some space condoms. You're pretty quick on your feet Shepard," Kasumi said when they were out of earshot of the guards.

"So what's the plan now? I can't very well steal this mystery item back by myself," Sloane said, "and I'm definitely not sleeping with him for real. I mean for real, even if I did sleep with dudes which I don't, did you see how big a scumbag that guy is? He's got facial hair like some nu metal also-ran bassist. It's fucking disgusting. I wouldn't let him anywhere near me in the bedroom."

"Smart girl," Kasumi replied, "As for the plan. It stays the same. You go in and keep the beautiful villains occupied while I sneak in and check out the vault. I'll radio you if I need your help with anything alright? I'll be invisible so if you get into any trouble yourself, just radio me and I'll be able to help you out alright?"

"Alright. Well, wish me luck."

Kasumi smirked impishly and replied, "You won't need luck. You've got a smoking hot body, a great cover story and me on your side."

Commercial Break

"And so I say to the Terrarium, 'No, my name isn't Baby, it's Allison. Miss Gunn if you're nasty,' and then I shot him," Sloane said, grinning broadly at the pair of Asari drug smugglers lounging languidly on either side of her on the leatherette settee she was seated upon in Donovan Hock's library.

The bustier of the two drug dealers placed her hand on Sloane's knee and tittered, "How absolutely droll. How is it that we have never had the pleasure of making your acquaintance before Miss Gunn?"

Sloane placed her arm around the Asari woman's waist and drew her closer. "What do you say we go find an empty room upstairs and rectify that?" Sloane asked the Asari woman staring at her with large doe eyes.

"Real smooth Shepard. I might have to borrow that one," Kasumi's voice whispered in her ear, "I just wanted to let you know that I've gotten into the mansion. I'm staring at the vault right now and frankly I'm a bit disappointed. This won't take long to crack but I'm going to need your help. There's a generator hidden on the shelf across from where you're sitting. It's powering the vault's primary defense system. It's the thing that looks like an ugly statuette. Disarm it."

Sloane stood and took the busty Asari by the hand and embraced her planting a kiss upon the woman's mouth. The other drug dealer on the couch laughed and sipped her blue booze. Sloane pushed the woman up against the bookshelf as she fondled the Asari criminal. A shelf gave way causing first edition copies of Ramona the Pest and Windows '95 For Dummies to fall to the floor along with, more importantly, the defense system generator.

The Asari woman let out a muffled coo of pleasure as Sloane slid a hand under the hem of the drug smuggler's skirt and grabbed a generous handful of Asari ass. A Bavarian guard poked his head into the room at the sound of the crash, but upon seeing Sloane and the Asari merely nodded in approval and muttered, "Nice," before returning to his post.

"Resourceful Shepard. Not really how I would have gone about it, but the system's down," Kasumi's voice whispered in her ear, "Tell your new friend to go wait for you in the game room upstairs and excuse yourself to freshen up and then come see me out on the balcony."

Sloane broke off the kiss and whispered, "Go wait for me in the game room upstairs. I'll be up in a minute. I just need to freshen up."

The Asari drug dealer nodded and licked her lips seductively. "Don't be long," she said before sauntering towards the staircase, her hips swaying seductively.

Sloane made her way out of the library toward the balcony. "Okay good, you're here. I thought I might have lost you to that Asari's ass. It's probably a lot more interesting than what we've got in store tonight," Kasumi said as she appeared out of thin air, "Here, you might need this." She pressed a small pistol into Sloane's hand.

"So what are we doing out here?" Sloane asked as she took the pistol and checked it.

"I need a sample of Hock's DNA to open the vault door, so we're going to go up into his room and find some DNA," Kasumi replied, "Come on, follow me."

The master thief climbed over a banister and leapt across to a trellis that she scrambled up like a cat onto a narrow ledge beneath a large bay window. Sloane took off her heels and followed suit. Kasumi helped pull Sloane up onto the ledge from the trellis.

"By the way, I'm sorry I interrupted whatever you were up to with that Asari," Kasumi said as she took out a small laser cutter and proceeded to cut a portal into the glass of the overlarge bay window. "That's not usually my way, but we don't have a ton of time."

"Nah it's okay," Sloane said, "She wasn't really my type anyway...just someone to pass the time with."

Kasumi affixed a large suction cup to the window and gently removed the cut segment from the window frame. "I hear that. So, what is your type then?" she asked as she stepped through the hole she had just finished lasering into the window.

Sloane followed after the thief into the bedchambers of Donovan "Douchelord" Hock and said, "I dunno. I guess I like someone who's a little quiet and kind of subdued. It wouldn't hurt if she had a nice ass either I suppose."

"Oh, like Kelly!" Kasumi exclaimed as she took out her Power Glove and began scanning the room for DNA, "She's gay too isn't she? I mean with that haircut she's gotta be right? You should totally go out with her! You two would make such a cute couple, unless of course there's some sort of Cerberus rules against fraternizing with your underlings."

"I don't really care about Cerberus rules," Sloane said as she waved her own Power Glove about trying to get a signal, "but that doesn't mean Kelly and I should date. She legit works for Cerberus and I don't even know if she likes me anyway."

"Oh come on! You're not that dense are you? That girl is totally into you," Kasumi said, "Hold on, I'm getting something over by that trashcan. The signal's off the charts. Power level over 9,000!" She peered into the can and then paled before taking a shiv from her boot and digging into the trashcan with it.

"What?" Sloane asked, "What's wrong? Why are you making that face?"

"Well, I found our DNA. I would have preferred shitty facial hair trimmings or fingernail clippings or something, but beggars can't be choosers," Kasumi said and brought the shiv up out of the trashcan. A used space condom hung from the end of it, a sizable quantity of Donovan "Dickjuice" Hock's genetic material contained within, "Come on, let's go unlock a vault."

"That's disgusting. Are you just going to walk down to the vault with that space rubber hanging off the end of your knife?" Sloane asked, "Why don't you put it in an evidence bag or something?"

"Do I look like a cop?" Kasumi asked, "I don't have any evidence bags. Besides, it's not that far to the vault anyway. I'll meet you down..."

But before Kasumi could finish her thought the door to Donovan Hock's bedroom opened and a pair of muscle for hire goons strolled in. "Hey what are you two doing in here?" the goons shouted in unison. The effect of the two hired goons screaming in unison was creepy as shit and Sloane pulled out the pistol and fired instinctively, blowing one of the guards' head away in an instant.

"I guess we're fighting it out then," Kasumi said, "I mean we could have just told them we came up here to fuck each other but a gun fight is okay too I suppose." The master thief turned invisible and popped up behind the other guard, slitting his throat. Sloane did not want to know if it was the same knife Kasumi had just used to fish a jizz filled condom out of a garbage can.

"Alright. Meet me down in vault," Kasumi said as the muscle for hire collapsed on the ground grasping at his throat and struggling to breath. The master thief then vanished from sight, leaving Sloane alone in Donovan "Dirk Diggler" Hock's bed chamber. She placed the pistol in her handbag, smoothed out her dress and walked out the door back into the partyhall with no one any the wiser to the fact that she had just gunned down a guard.

Commercial Break

It was comforting to be in her space marine armor with a shotgun strapped to her back once more. Sloane realized how strangely naked she had felt without her fighting gear. As she guarded the door Kasumi dumped Donovan "Big Nasty" Hock's spendings on to the DNA reader. The machine beeped and then flashed a green light.

"Again, not my first choice, but it worked," Kasumi said. She punched something into her Power Glove and said, "Annnnnd...we're in." As if on cue, the door to the vault creaked open. "It won't be long until I find my greybox now," Kasumi said as she entered the vault, "C'mon."

Sloane followed after her cautiously, her gun at the ready. In Sloane's experience this kind of jobs never turned out the way you expected them to. As the two women turned a corner, a blast of laser blast suddenly shot out at them. Up ahead a pair of mech gun bots were shooting in their general direction. Kasumi vanished from sight only to reappear at the end of the hallway screaming, "Present for you!" and laserblasting the fuck out of the gun robots. The robots exploded in an explosion of exploded bits before Sloane even had a chance to shotgun the shit out of one of them.

"Hey, save some for me next time why don't ya?" Sloane said jokingly. But as the saying goes, "Be careful what you wish for," because for little did she know she would soon get her wish. A platoon of muscle for hire goons, mech gun bots, and even a Robotech suit quickly rushed into the room, ready to rumble.




Sloane stared down the giant robot and muttered, "Oh fuck. Time for a big gun." She pulled her Arc Blaster off her back and aimed it at the Robotech battle mech and pulled the trigger. The Arc Blaster hummed like a vibrator as it charged up. The way it shook in her arms, Sloane wondered if perhaps she could use it for that purposed as the gun charged to full. She then pulled the trigger hitting the Robotech mech center mass. The huge machine exploded in a mess of melted steel and element x and Sloane quickly realized it would probably not be a good idea to sit on a charging Arc Blaster. She'd have to stick with the space dolphin.

"Eat it! Present for yoooou!" Kasumi shouted as she bounced around the room like a super ball dispensing death and watch the robot version of death was to the goons and mechs that were shooting all over the place. It was kind of amazing to watch. Soon enough the entirety of the platoon was wiped out. Dead at the hands of Kasumi and Sloane.

"What the F is going on down there?!" shouted Donovan Hock over the intercom, "You guys better not be fuckin' around with those mechs again! You cost me one million credits in repairs the last time you made those mechs fight down there."

Kasumi shot out the speaker and headed towards the inner sanctum of the vault. "We just need to open this door and we'll be in the vault. We can snag my greybox and then get the heck out of here and be back on the Notmandy by dinner time...if that's something that sounds appealing to you. If not, I know a pretty decent ramen place near here we can hit up before we go back to the ship." The woman then took out her Power Glove and began to hack the vault's door. A moment later there was a satisfying click and the door hissed open. "Aw ye ye!" Kasumi exclaimed excitedly, "Let's get my greybox!"

The two women entered the vault and in an instant Sloane was blown away by the treasures contained within: lewd Asari sculptures, monolithic Krogan artifacts, the severed head of the Statue of Liberty that appeared in the movie Cloverfield, there was apparently no treasure too unobtainable for Donovan "Big Collector" Hock to obtain. "I can't believe this guy has the Mona Lisa and that C3-PO boner card, signed by C3-PO himself," Sloane said in disbelief as she and Kasumi looked through the loot trying to find Kasumi's graybox."


Not Pictured: Mona Lisa

"Yeah Hock's got a problem. Ah, here it is! My graybox!" Kasumi exclaimed as she picked up a small electronic device off a display stand and placed it in her burglar bag, "Holy shit is that...yes it is! The Mantis X-2 Uzi Deluxe! The gun that killed two presidents! Holy fuck. I'm taking this too. I figure Hock owes me for stealing my greybox."

As Kasumi chucked he Cerberus issued uzi into the corner and picked up the Mantis X-2 Uzi Deluxe Hock's ugly, poorly bearded face appeared, floating at the far end of the room. "Kasumi...I knew you'd try some shit though I must admit I'm a little disappointed that Allison Gunn decided to help you out this evening instead of taking a ride on my Ham Hock if you catch my meaning and so..."

"BOOYAH!" Sloane blasted a vase into a gajillion pieces. "Hock, you talk too damn much!" she shouted, "Deploy your minions so we can kill them and continue our escape. We'll see you out at the landing platform for the final showdown."

"OOOOOOOH! KILL THEM!" the giant floating head of Hock screamed as minions rushed into the vault ready to rumble.

The gun that killed two presidents quickly became the gun that killed two presidents and a couple dozen minions as Kasumi mowed down all the minions that Donovan "Dick Move" Hock had set unleashed upon them. With the minions dead and dying Sloane and Kasumi commenced to escape, battling their way through the tunnels beneath the vaults and ultimately out into the mansion's shipyard.

"The shuttle's right over there! We're home free!" Sloane exclaimed, but she was perhaps a tad hasty for as the words left her mouth, a gunship swooped down at them. It was Donovan "Double Down" Hock in a goddamn gunship.

"Fucking coward!" Kasumi exclaimed as the ship swooped by and shot at them, "Wait here. I'll take care of those shields."

Kasumi scampered up wall and parkoured onto the ship as it swooped by and then jammed some jammer into the front of the gunship. From her position down below, Sloane watched the shields fade and laughed. She took up her Arc Blaster, aimed and primed it, and then released a blast of pure Arc energy that tore through Donovan "Dead Man" Hock's gunship.

"AW YE YE! Bag 'im and tag 'im!" Sloane exclaimed as the ship exploded in a ball of fire. She and Kasumi then dashed back to the shuttle and quickly puttered away from Donovan Hock's mansion as more guards ran out on to the landing pad and fired impotently at the departing shuttle. They had gotten the greybox back and escaped in one piece. It was a nearly flawless victory.

---

Sloane and Kasumi sat in the lounge drinking space booze as Kasumi turned the greybox over in her hand. The box had contained secrets...dangerous secrets that dangerous men and women would kill to keep from being revealed. Those secrets had been encrypted in memories of Kasumi's dead lover, Cagey.

"I don't know what I should do Sloane," Kasumi said, "There's a real risk that people will be after me once they find out what I have, but I don't want to destroy it. This is all I have to remember Cagey by."

Sloane thought of Liara. Would she risked her own personal safety just to preserve her memory of the Asari science lady she had loved? She downed the remainder of her space booze and put the shot glass down on the counter and poured herself another. "You should keep it Kasumi," Sloane said, "If anyone does come after you, I hope you know I've got your back."

"Thank you Shepard," Kasumi said, "for everything."

End Credits


Post Credit Scene

"She's back on the ship now?" the Illusive Smoking Man asked as he sat in his leather executive's throne floating through the universe.

"Yes, she and the thief returned earlier this evening," Miranda Australian replied, "I worry that she isn't taking this mission seriously sir. We need her to go to Omega to pick up Doctor Solas Morton, but she seems more than content to pull heists on Cerberus allies like Donovan Hock and scan planets like a bloody space cartographer."

The Illusive Smoking Man puffed on his cigarette and smiled at his liaison. "Well then we'll just have to give her a reason to travel to Omega other than the fate of all humanity. We'll have to appeal to her sentimental side. I've just gotten word that there's a vigilante in Omega trying to clean up the streets. They call this person Archangel and a little bird tells me that they are someone from Shepard's past. I'd like to keep this fact from her as long as possible. Appeal to her morality first. 'Hey this Archangel character is trying to do the right thing, maybe they'd be a good addition to the squad.' I'll send Miss Chambers the data. How's she working out anyway?"

"Miss Chambers and Miss Shepard flirt a lot. I thought at first it was just Shepard trying to get herself fired because she was doing the same thing with Black-Kaidan in spite of her predilections, but there seems to be something more to it than that. They seem to genuinely like one another, but I don't think anything has come of it beyond the flirting," Miranda replied.

"Good. That means that Miss Chambers is a resource that you can use to guide Shepard into doing what we need her to do," the Illusive Smoking Man replied.

"Wouldn't it be easier to just do it ourselves? Without Sloane Shepard?" Miranda asked.

"No, we need her," the Illusive Smoking Man replied, "In fact she's the crux upon which this entire thing rests, so I trust you'll figure out a way to get her to Omega before we next talk. Illusive Smoking Man out!"