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Post by Nudeviking on May 13, 2016 10:34:03 GMT -5
And so, dear friends, it begins...
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Trurl
Shoutbox Elitist
Posts: 7,484
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Post by Trurl on May 13, 2016 20:40:35 GMT -5
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Post by rimjobflashmob on May 13, 2016 21:09:52 GMT -5
YES
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Post by Nudeviking on May 14, 2016 22:04:24 GMT -5
Mass Effect - S01E01 - Voltron Cosplay"Dude for real? Sloane Shepard? She's the one you want?" "Yup." "You can't be serious. You know she's Earthscum right...and and orphan to boot? Plus there was that whole deal on A-Cooze. You know, her entire squad got wiped out...she was the only one who made it back to drop point. Shit like that has gotta fuck a person's brain up. I mean her mental scars probably have scars of their own." "Don't you think that's precisely the sort of person who will save the entire universe...a survivor like Sloane Shepard?" "No. You want someone to save the universe? Vasquez is the person to pick. Now there's a chick who can wreck house whenever and wherever you need houses to be wrecked." "Nope, sorry, I've made up my mind...it's Shepard." "Whateves dude." Opening Credits"AW YE YE!" Joker shouted triumphantly as the spaceship came out of warp speed or whatever warp speed-esque name the Alliance had come up with to avoid countless, "You guys totally got that from some twentieth century sci-fi movie," accusations that would have arisen if they'd just called it "warp speed" or "hyper drive." Whatever the official name was, it was warp speed to Joker and it was dickfucking awesome. "Good job Joker," came a disgustingly raspy voice from behind him. It was Niles, some gross ass alien thing with mandibles and Ultimate Warrior face paint. Joker hated Niles, but tried not to let it show. "Um...thanks sir," he said and then muttered, "ya praying mantis looking motherfucker," under his breath. Niles seemed not to notice and was like, "Alright, I'm going to go talk to the commander..." and took off. "Fuuuuuuck. I hate that guy so much!" Joker exclaimed as Niles left the bridge. Wesley Crusher looked up from the bank of computers he was leaning over and turned to his friend Joker and said, "Yo mang, he totally complimented you and you hate him?" "Dude he's a gross ass alien and a spectre. Plus what the fuck is an alien spectre doing on this ship. We're just supposed to be testing out some kind of stealth mode. The fuck do we need a spectre with us for to do that? Seems a little overkill for something as lame as this is all. What do you think Shepard?" Sloane looked up. Her thoughts had been elsewhere...back on A-cooze. "Huh? What?" "This Niles fuck. He's gotta be bad news right?" Joker repeated. "Yeah probably. What do we need a spectre with us for if we're just testing out some stealth mode thing?" she asked. Joker grinned and smoothed the brim of his official Space Alliance snapback baseball cap. "See mang," he said to Wesley Crusher, "Shepard doesn't trust that guy either!" The intercom suddenly squawked to life with the voice of the Commander, "Joker, how'd the mass jump go?" "We just came out of warp now sir and it was a fine jump to light speed if I might say so. Oh and Commander, just a heads up that douchelord, Niles, is heading your way." There was a brief pause before the Commander replied, "He's here right now...listening in on this conversation." "Fuuuck..." Joker muttered under his breath. "Anyway, tell Captain Shepard I want to see her in my office double time. Commander out!" the Commander declared and then the intercom went dead. "You hear that Shepard or do you want me to repeat it?" Joker asked grinning like a jackass. Shepard smirked, "I think I got it. Did the Commander sound pissed off to you?" Wesley Crusher grinned and said, "Don't worry about it Shep...he always sounds like that when he has to talk to Joker." Commercial Break
The doors slid open with a serpentine hiss and Sloane entered the Commander's office to see Niles the Terrarium standing there staring off into the distance. He turned and faced her and in his disgustingly raspy voice greeted her, "It is good to see you Captain Shepard. We have much to discuss." "Whatever dude, where's the Commander? He sent for me." "I'm right here Shepard," the Commander said as he slid into the room. Damn he was one smooth character. "I'm glad you're here. What I'm about to tell you will probably blow your mind, so be ready. This mission...we're not just coming out this way to test out a stealth device." Sloane rolled her eyes and replied, "No offense Commander, but no duh. Everyone, including Joker, thought something was up. A full crew to test out some tech...a goddamn Terrarium spectre on board. It's been pretty obvious. The only thing I guess we don't know is what the actual mission is." "Down there is Eden One...Earth's first colony. It's mostly farmland but it represents so much more. It shows the rest of the Alliance that the Earth can hang with the big boys of space colonization. Anyway, some space farmer was digging up his space fields when he uncovered something...an Ancient Alien Beacon. If you recall your history class from high school you'll remember that Earth's space program didn't really get off the ground so to speak until we found an Ancient Alien data cache on Mars. That shit kick started our intergalactic space program like woah and it was pretty much a couple copies of Intergalactic Space Travel for Dummies and some notes on space engine repair. This Beacon? Who knows what the crap is on it?" "So why didn't we just keep it for ourselves? Why is the Alliance involved at all?" Sloane asked, eyeing the disgusting Terrarium's disgusting clicking mandibles. The Commander sighed, "Because...Captain Shepard, Earth is still looked down upon by the rest of the Alliance. We figured that by sharing the Beacon with the rest of the Alliance we'd endear ourselves to them somewhat...besides they know hecka more about Ancient Aliens than we do, so we'd need their help to decode the thing anyway." It made sense and Sloane nodded. "Alright, so what's the plan then?" The Commander declared in the smoothest voice possible, "You, Biggs and Wedge will land on Eden One, secure the Beacon and then we bring it back to the Alliance. It's pretty straight forward. Niles will be accompanying you as well to evaluate your performance." Sloane's eyes went wide. "Evaluating me? For what?" she asked, her voice barely masking her annoyance. "To see if you have what it takes to be a spectre," the clicking mandibles of Niles intoned. "And what if I don't want to be a spectre? Don't I have any say in the matter?" The Commander sighed, "No you don't. Humanity has been trying to be taken seriously by the Alliance since we joined. We've wanted one of our own in the spectres since before you were born Shepard, and if its to be you, then it's going to be you. You owe it to humanity." "Fine, whatever." The intercom suddenly squawked to life and the room was filled with Joker's dulcet tones. "Commander we received a transmission from Eden One. You're going to want to see this." The sounds of a fierce lasergun battle soon filled the Commander's office as the transmission from Eden One played on the video screen. Earth Colonists were getting this shit utterly ruined by some unseen enemy. The camerawork was shoddy and Sloane found herself nauseated and wishing that someone with a steadier hand had filmed the thing. Suddenly the transmission cut to something up in the sky: a giant, laser blasting Wallmaster! The transmission abruptly cut off and Joker bellowed, "That's all of it. I've tried sending a reply, but am getting nothing." "Well Captain Shepard, it looks like your simple pickup just got a heckuva lot more interesting." Commercial Break
"This is so fuckin' boss mang!" Biggs declared as he, Wedge, Sloane and Niles waited to be dropped off on Eden One, "We get to go on a mission with a goddamn spectre! How cool is that shit?" The Terrarium gave off as close a sound as a sigh as was possible for a disgusting space alien with mandibles and said, "I prefer to work alone." He then shouldered his laser rifle and jumped out of the ship. The Commander was like, "Uh...I guess Niles will scout ahead. You three secure the Beacon and then get the shit out of there okay?" "Sounds good Commander," Sloane replied, "What about survivors?" The Commander shrugged his shoulders, "Whatves. If you find some and can save them, great, but remember the beacon's your primary objective." "Duly noted," Sloane replied, and then turning to her companions, bellowed, "Biggs! Wedge! Let's move out. Hoowah!!!" The two grunts shouted, "HOOWAH!" and then the three space marines then jumped out of their spaceship onto Eden One. As they landed and looked around Sloane wondered if perhaps Eden One had been ironically named, like Greenland, because nothing about the laserblasted wastes that stretched out before her seemed particularly Eden-like. The raspy clicking voice of Niles soon filled her head. "There are hostiles everywhere," the gross alien who preferred to work alone said, "We need to get to the Beacon quickly. Niles out." "You heard the praying mantis guy, let's hustle double time!" Sloane said as she and her two companions hauled ass across the laserblast pock marked terrain. Suddenly a laserblast tore through the air striking Biggs square in the chest. He barely had time to shout, "FUCK I'VE BEEN SHOT!" before he collapsed in a heap on the ground, his shit completely and utterly wrecked. Sloane and Wedge sprang into action, firing laser guns in the general vicinity of where the Biggs slaying laserblast had come from. A moment later there was an explosion. The killer had been some kind of probe droid. With the droid destroyed, Sloane turned her attention back to Biggs. Wedge stood over his friend's body. It was clear that no amount of medi-goop would save Biggs. "Dude, he's dead," Sloane said, "I'm sorry, but there's nothing we can do for him here." "Alright...let's go," Wedge replied. The disappointed in his voice was evident. Together they pressed on. Several more probe droids tried to get the Rocker Dropper on Sloane and Wedge, but unlike Biggs, Sloane and Wedge were not so prone to getting their shit wrecked and they were able to blastigate the fuck out of the stupid flying laserblast droids. They'd gone about 30 clicks when the communicator again transmitted Niles' stupid clicking voice. "Guys, everything is pretty much wrecked up this way. Be careful. I don't want to have to carry this beacon all the way to the pickup point myself. Niles out." "Mang, that guy is the absolute worst," Wedge said, but Sloane wasn't paying attention. Up in the distance she saw someone, a human from the looks of it, gun down two cybermen, but there were more probe droids heading for them. Sloane drew her pistol and blasted the shit out of the droid. The human turned and looked towards her and then approached. It was a woman, cosplaying as Princess Allura from Voltron. "Nice," Wedge said as she approached. Sloane nodded in agreement. "Oh thank god you're here! I didn't know how much longer I could hold out. There were so many of them. They overran our position so we doubled back to try to get back to the base, but...but....but..." the cosplayer said. "What's your name soldier?" Sloane asked, trying to sound all official. "Ashley." "Ashley, what happened here?" "I dunno. We were just on patrol and then there was a Wallmaster and then all these Cybermen just ran roughshod all over everything. My platoon...they're all dead aren't they? Oh god..." "You can't blame yourself Ashley," Sloane said, not having time for hysterics, "What you can do, though is help us. You know this terrain better than us, and we need to rendezvous with our man up that way. He's got something very important and if the Cybermen get it first, then all your buddies will have died for nothing." "I understand," the cosplayer said. "Good. So let's move out!"
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Post by Nudeviking on May 15, 2016 22:11:09 GMT -5
Chapter 2: Mass Effect - S01E02 - Walking Dead
The dig site was overrun by cybermen, but Sloane, Wedge, and Voltron cosplay enthusiast, Ashley, were ready for them and put them on blast. Lasers cut through the air, wrecking house on the cybermen with ease. "Aw ye ye! Bag 'em and tag 'em!" Ashley shouted victoriously as the last cyberman exploded into a heap of gears and servos. Sloane, however, was feeling somewhat less enthusiastic about what they found at the dig site, or perhaps more precisely what they hadn't found, namely the Beacon. "Any idea where the Beacon might be?" Sloane asked the Voltron cosplayer. Ashley shrugged. "No idea. I was kind of busy fighting off an invasion of cybermen. Maybe they brought it up into the camp? It's just up the ridge." Before Sloane could say anything the clicking voice of Niles filled her ears, "Hey I found a spaceport up this way. I'm going to go check it out." Did that guy ever shut up? Sloane muttered a reply of, "Whatever dude," before turning to Ashley and saying, "Let's go check the camp." The trio headed up the ridge coming quickly to the dig site camp. Shit did not look good up there. The buildings were all fucked up and shit was totally on fire. Bodies of the workers had been impaled on gigantic metallic pylons. "Be careful," Wedge said, "This would be a pretty great spot for an ambush." As if on cue, the pylons suddenly retracted into their bases and the bodies of the workers leapt down from where they had been impaled and shambled toward Sloane and her companions. "The fuck?! What did they do to all the workers?" Ashley shouted furiously, "They're like zombies or something!" The workers, now covered with disgusting cybermen trackmarks shambled forward, moaning in binary as Sloane emptied her pistol into them. The corpses fell down dead once more and exploded into a heap of blue electricity. "Let's have a look around shall we?" Wedge suggested, "Maybe the Beacon is in one of those none destroyed buildings over there." Sloane had to admit that it was a pretty good idea. Unfortunately their search turned up little more than some stray weapons; useful to be certain, but not the Beacon they were looking for. She sighed. "Well, that was pretty much a bust. I guess we should go look for Niles at that spaceport or whatever he was on about before," she said. "Wait a second Shepard, what about that door over there," Wedge said pointing at a door next to the storage depot they'd just been ransacking. Sloane hadn't even noticed it and hurried over only to find that it was locked. "Shit," she muttered under her breath, "It's all locked up." "You know, you could use some omni-goop on the lock," Wedge offered, "It would probably cause the lock to short out and then you could open the door." Sloane opened her belt pouch and scooped out a handful of omni-goop that she smeared across the door's keypad lock. The keypad began to beep and flash and Sloane mashed down several of the keys as the omni-goop caused the keypad to spark, and a moment later the door slid open with a sound like a deflating helium balloon. Inside the small storage shed she saw a pair of humans dressed in Alliance uniforms that marked them as a man and woman of science. The woman startled as the door opened, but upon seeing that Sloane and her companions were humans settled down. "Oh thank the Maker you're human! I thought for a second you were cybermen." "You two are scientists, you know anything about that Ancient Alien Beacon?" Sloane asked. The lady scientist replied, "Yes, I think they were taking it to the spaceport before the invasion commenced, but whether or not they succeeded I don't know. We were here to break down camp when the cybermen started running roughshod on everything." The male science guy, however, started talking all dark and sinister. "The darkness! We have unleashed the darkness upon the universe! Doom! Destruction! We shall all perish!" Ashley and Sloane stared at each other a moment, dumbfounded by the male science guy's outburst. "Um...is he okay?" Sloane asked the lady scientist. The lady scientist nodded. "Yes, he's just a little mad is all. All this excitement has gotten him flustered. I gave him a double dose of his meds, but they take a while to kick in. He's a pretty genius scientist, but also nuttier than a Space Snickers bar. Anyway thanks again for taking care of those cybermen. Once my assistant's calmed down a bit we'll make our way back to civilization." "DOOM! WE'VE DOOMED THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE!" the male science guy screamed as Sloane and her companions made their way out of the storage shed. She prayed that the male science guy really was just a psycho and his wild rantings were not some sort of foreshadowing. Commercial Break
Niles readied his blaster as he made his way across the spaceport's spacious vistas. Why had the cybermen chosen to attack Eden One at precisely this moment? They had not been seen outside the Veil for more than two hundred years. Suddenly Niles realized he was not alone. He crept around a corner and there standing in the middle of the spaceport he saw his fellow spectre, Seville. Seville, like him, was a Terrarium. "Seville! I am so glad to see you. Things are a lot worse than we expected here, what with all these cybermen...but what are you doing here?" "I have my reasons," Seville the Terrarium said. "Fair enough," Niles replied, "Come then friend, lend me a hand. I must secure an Ancient Alien Beacon before these cybermen abscond with it." "Lead the way my friend," Seville replied, and as Niles turned, Seville drew his blaster and fired a single blast into his fellow spectre's back. Niles let out a death scream as he slammed into the ground face first and his back exploded into a bunch of blood and gore from the blaster shot.
Sloane and her posse crept up towards the spaceport. Niles undoubtedly had pressed on without them again and she was certain that he'd be coming on the intercom soon to tell her that he was already back on the spaceship waiting with the Beacon and too hurry up. So much for wanting to observe her to see if she had what it took to be a spectre. As they came up over the ridge, a giant spaceship lifted off in the distance. Wedge lost his goddamn mind, "HO FUCK! LOOK AT THE SIZE OF THAT FUCKING THING!!!" Sloane, however, didn't care about the spaceship for she could see more cyberman pylons in the distance and as they approached the spaceport the pylons once again retracted into their bases and the cyberman zombies hopped off to come shambling toward Sloane and her crew. She drew her pistol and fired, but her aim was off, and instead of hitting one of the slowly moving onetime porters, she blasted a generator. The generator exploded in a huge explosion of Michael Bayian proportions, sending the cybermen zombies flying through the air, a wreck of fucked up limbs and torsos. "AW YE YE!" Wedge shouted, "Nice shooting boss!" "Thanks Wedge," Sloane said, "I totally meant to shoot that blaster and kill all those zombies with a single blast from this here pistol." She patted her pistol nonchalantly and then holstered it. There was a hiss, like a guy trying to fart silently while in public, as a nearby shed door slid open and a trio of dirt farmers emerged from their hiding place. The main dirt farmer was hella grateful for Sloane's incredibly shooting and gave her a pistol that they been hiding in the shed, but otherwise he didn't know too much. He was, after all a dirt farmer, and not particularly knowledgeable about cybermen invaders or Ancient Alien Beacon technology. So Sloane thanked the dirt farmers for the pistol and then told them to get to safety before she and her crew pressed on. The climbed up some stairs and there on the ground, the found Niles the Terrarium, with his shit completely and utterly ruined. "Oh jit...it's Niles!" Wedge said, stating the obvious, "He's totally dead. But what could wreck house on a spectre so completely and thoroughly?" At that moment there was some movement behind a crate. Everyone drew their weapons and a dumb looking porter stood up and cried out, "Don't shoot mang! Don't shoot! I'm a human!" "Fuck!" Sloane bellowed, "Dude we could have fucking blasted your cock right the fuck off! What are you even doing back there?" The stupid looking porter wiped his hands on his dirty jumpsuit and hemmed and hawed a moment before saying, "I sometimes come back her to take a nap during my shift. I was asleep when the cybermen attacked and then just stayed back here when they were roaming about." "So the cybermen got him?" Wedge said pointing at Niles' body. The porter shook his head like a goddamn moron and said, "Gorsh no...the other Terrarium shot your friend in the back. They seemed to know each other. Your buddy there called the other one Seville or Sagat or Several or something like that. They were going off to secure some kind of Beacon. Seville or Sanders or whatever took the monorail after he wrecked house on your friend. If you hurry you might be able to catch him." Sloane nodded and thanked the idiotic porter before telling him to get to safety. "Ashley. Wedge. We've got a train to catch!" Commercial Break
Sloane was pinned down under heavy, cyberman gunfire. Getting to the monorail was going to be a lot harder than she'd anticipated. She popped up from behind a barrel and shot at the robotic foeman off in the distance, blasting its head-shaped chunk clear off its shoulderesque area. "AW YE YE! BAG 'EM AND TAG 'EM BAY BAY!" Wedge shouted enthusiastically. It became clear to Sloane that while she had taken potshots at a single cyberman gunner, Ashley and Wedge had managed to kill the remaining robots. "Let's move out!" Sloane said, "We've still got a train to catch." "I think you mean monorail..." Ashley offered. Sloane shrugged and mumbled, "Whatever. Let's go!" The monorail pulled into the station at the other end of the spaceport and as Sloane leaped off the monorail, which had not, in fact, glided as softly as a cloudy, she saw a goddamn cyberman setting up a bomb. She lasered the shit out of the cyberman's skull and rushed over to the bomb. It was a big one, but she was able to disarm it pretty easily. "Fuck. There are probably a bunch more of these bombs all over the spaceport. If even one of them goes off, we're all rightly fucked!" Wedge shouted. Off they went to disarm bombs. Cybermen were shooting at them from all over the place, but Sloane was relieved that at least the bombs were all on land. She couldn't imagine how annoying it would have been if they had been underwater or something. Or if timed laser beams were guarding the bombs and if she'd had to wait for the lasers to deactivate before she could go near the bomb. That would have been the worst. Lasers streaked past Sloane as she worked on disarming the bombs. She trusted that Wedge and Ashley would take out whatever asshole robots were shooting at her. They were much better shots than she was anyway. Ashley in particular had a certain Vasquez-esque quality to her that Sloane found charming. As the minutes ticked away, she worked at disarming the final bomb. Sweat ran down her face as she removed the control panel and then with one final snip of a red wire, the bomb's display went black. Sloane Shepard breathed a sigh of relief. "AW YE YE! BAG 'EM AND TAG 'EM!!" Ashley shouted somewhere behind her signaling that she and Wedge had destroyed all the goddamn robots. That wasn't going to get old quickly at all. "C'mon guys, I think I saw the Beacon over down there," Sloane said. She, Ashley and Wedge made their way down a steel spaceport ramp to a landing where a giant chunk of Ancient Alien technology pulsed seductively. Wedge stepped closer and suddenly floated up into the air. "The fuck..." he muttered as he struggled to free himself, but he was caught fast. Sloane threw herself into action, dashing across the platform and grabbing Wedge. She wasn't about to let another one of her crew members die on her watch. She pulled Wedge by the arm out of the grasp of the Beacon and threw him. He log-rolled a short distance towards Ashley. Sloane then turned to head back away from the Beacon, but before she could move, she fought herself caught in its grasp. Behind her she could hear Ashley and Wedge yelling, but couldn't make out what they were saying over the terrible din that seemed to emanate from the Beacon as visions of red and violence and death and destruction flashed before her eyes. Faster and faster they flashed and then nothingness...
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Post by Nudeviking on May 17, 2016 0:32:05 GMT -5
Mass Effect - S01E03 - The Shitadel
Seville the Terrarium sat in the pilot's seat of his Wallmaster Spaceship 3000 angrily flying through space. How had things gone some badly on Eden One? Suddenly a pale boob witch entered his cockpit and glared at him. If it weren't for her most excellent boobage he probably would have been done with her years ago, but damn were those some elite titties. He tried to calm his thoughts as he said, "What do you want?"
The boob witch looked utterly devoid of emotion. "The bombs on Eden One were disarmed," she began, "and it seems that one of the humans, a woman known as Shepard, activated the Beacon."
"And where is the Beacon now?" Seville the Terrarium asked, his anger rising.
"It was destroyed," the boob witch said rather nonchalantly, "when the human activated it."
"RWAAAAAAAAAAR!!!!!" Seville the Terrarium clicked in a fury as he threw things about the cockpit and knocked shit over like a six year old brat having a temper tantrum, "Find this human and kill her!"
The boob witch bowed giving Seville the Terrarium an eyeful of her ample cleavage before she turned and left the cockpit. This Shepard, if she weren't dealt with soon, could cause him a great deal of frustration, and if there was one thing Seville the Terrarium hated it was frustration.
Opening Credits
Sloane Shepard sat bolt upright, sweat pouring from her brow. She glanced about in a panic but quickly realized that she was back on the USS Normandy, though she had no idea how she'd gotten there. The ship's chief medic, Doctor Chocolate, stood nearby and offered soothing words when she noticed Sloane had awaken.
"I'm glad to see you're back among the living. You gave us quite a scare there," Doctor Chocolate said, "You're lucky that Kaidan Alenko and that girl, Ashley something or other, brought you in."
"Who's Kaidan Alenko?" Sloane asked rubbing her head, still rather groggy.
"Oh that's right, most of you call him Wedge for some reason don't you? Anyway if not for those two we might have lost you."
"Well, they could have taken me to a hospital on Eden One," Sloane offered, "They wasted a lot of time bringing back to the ship."
Doctor Chocolate laughed at the notion. "If they'd brought you to a medical facility on Eden One you'd certainly be dead. Those backward colonial hospitals are notoriously ill equipped to deal with injuries as severe as yours."
"How long was I even out for?"
The chief medic glanced at her wrist chronometer. "Fifteen hours..."
At that moment the Commander strolled into the medical bay like a motherfuckin' boss. "Doc, you mind giving us a minute here?" he said as he entered. Doctor Chocolate shrugged and headed off to her office, undoubtedly to pop some pills or take a swig out of the flask of hooch she kept in her storage cabinet.
"How are you feeling?" the Commander asked Sloane once Doctor Chocolate was gone.
"I'm alright, but I had the weirdest dream...no, it was more like a vision," she replied, "After I pulled Wedge...er...I mean Kaidan...out of the Beacon I saw things."
"What sort of things?" the Commander asked. The concern was evident on his face.
"War. Death. A robot army. You know, basic foreshadowing vision shit," Sloane replied. She paused a moment realizing how goddamn crazy she must have sounded and quickly changed the topic, "So did Wed...Kaidan tell you about Niles? About that other spectre...Seville or something?"
"Yes. We're heading to the Citadel now to bring up the matter before the council. The ambassador seems to think that we have enough evidence to make a case for Seville's dismissal, but we may need you to appear before the council to give your account of what happened on Eden One. Anyway, we're pretty close to the Citadel now, so head to the bridge and tell Joker to being the docking procedure."
Sloane nodded and replied, "Yes sir. Oh one more thing, what about Ashley?"
"Williams? I've had her reassigned to the Normandy. We could use a soldier like her after losing Biggs back on Eden One...unless you think we shouldn't keep her."
"No, she's cool. Way cooler than that idiot Biggs was at least."
"You can say that again," the Commander said, "Anyway go tell Joker to do his job. I'm out."
The Commander strode, like a boss, up to the doors of the medical bay and after they hissed opened, strolled out. Sloane stood and stretched her limbs before following him out of the medical bay. She made her way back to the bridge. Joker was leaning way back in his chair adjusting his baseball cap as she walked up behind him.
"Joker, begin docking procedures. We're getting off at the Citadel."
"Yes ma'am!" Joker exclaimed excitedly.
"And don't call me ma'am Joker...I'm only like a year older than you."
"Aye aye, Captain."
"That's better."
Commercial Break
The Citadel was impressive as fuck. There were big monolithic things all over the place and a big ass spaceship with a gun the size of Nebraska attached to it. Ashley proving herself to be something of a size queen was duly impressed by the giant gun. Joker did his job and a moment later the USS Normandy was docking on the Citadel. Sloane and her crew exited the ship and were met by the Human Ambassador. Sloane didn't trust him. He had a shifty look about him, but he was polite enough as he led Sloane, Ashley, Kaidan and the Commander from the docks to the embassy.
As they strolled through the streets and byways of the Citadel the Ambassador and the Commander discussed the possibility of opening an instigation against Seville the Terrarium, but Sloane wasn't paying much attention. How could she with Ashley's shapely ass swaying so hypnotically in front of her? So transfixed was she by those two round globes that she did not realize that the party had arrived at the embassy.
She suddenly became aware that Kaidan "Wedge" Alenko was talking to her. "Yo Shepard, are you okay?" he asked, "You got pretty messed up there back on Eden One. You need to see Doc Choc?"
"Huh? What? No, I'm fine. I was just thinking about what the Council might ask when I go before them. I get kind of nervous about public speaking..."
"Yeah I was like that too. Once, when I was in middle school, I barfed all over myself when I had to give a report on the historic use of Robocops in Detroit. They called my Luke Puke for the rest of the year. I was glad when my Pops got transferred to another base and I got to switch schools, believe you me..."
The human embassy was pretty spartan, but the Ambassador insisted it was one of the better offices in the building. "Can you believe that the Elcor and the Mole People have to share an office? We should count ourselves fortunate that Humans were deemed worthy of having their own offices at all. If you will excuse me a moment, I need to call the Council and make arrangements for you to present your case before them."
The Ambassador walked over to the spacephone and dialed a number. A moment later, a hologram of the three Council members appeared before him. They did not look pleased. "What is it this time...Ambassador?" the ugly looking Terrarium Councilor asked.
"It's about our complaint as to what happened on Eden One. The crew from the USS Normandy, the ship that responded to the distress signal, have arrived at the Citadel and are ready to present their report to you, so that you can make your decision as to what to do with Spectre Seville."
The Councilor scoffed, "We have begun a C-Sec investigation...Ambassador, but I must confess there seems to be remarkably little evidence of any wrongdoing on Spectre Seville's part. Regardless, the hearing is scheduled for this afternoon at sixteen hundred standard chronological units. Please do not bother us again with trivial spacephone calls such as this...Ambassador."
There was a click and the hologram of the Councilors faded. The Ambassador seemed embarrassed by what had transpired. "Those fucking aliens...they're afraid of us you know? That's why they won't let us on the council...why they treat us like children, but hopefully that will all start to change once you are a spectre Captain Shepard," the Ambassador said.
Sloane sighed and replied, "I really don't want to be a spectre. They have so much power and so little accountability. I don't feel comfortable being a part of an organization like that to be honest."
The Ambassador laughed and replied, "You don't have a choice Captain Shepard. Humanity has been trying to get into the spectres for years and we're not going to let something like your comfort level get in the way of our progress with the Council. Anyway I've got things to prepare for the hearing. Why don't you three have a looking around the Citadel? Just be sure to be to the Tower of Counseling before sixteen hundred standard chronological units..."
Sloane shrugged and then she, Kaidan, and Ashley left the embassy.
"That guy's kind of a cockmonger isn't he?" Ashley said as they headed down the stairs and out onto the streets of the Citadel.
Sloane nodded in reply. "Fuck, I need a drink. C'mon, I'm buying."
Kaidan and Ashley were both amped by the prospect of free booze and the trio headed across the bridge to a large building that had the look of a drinking establishment. As the entered they were confronted by a blue, bald-headed alien dressed in rather revealing clothing.
"Welcome to the Consortium. Do you have an appointment?" the blue woman asked.
Sloane scoffed, "An appointment? We just want to come in and have a couple space boilermakers. This is a bar isn't it?"
The woman laughed. It was a charmingly melodic laugh that caused Sloane to think inappropriate things. "No, this is the Consortium, home to the Consort."
Sloane looked at Ashley and Kaidan in askance, but both shrugged. "Okay, so what's a consort?"
"The Consort is many things to many people. To some she is a counselor. To others an entertainer. To some she is a prophet."
"So an oracle? Or maybe a space prostitute?" Sloane asked, even more confused than ever.
"She is far more than that," the woman replied, "It is somewhat difficult to explain precisely what the Consort is since she is so many things to so many people. Perhaps it would be best for you to schedule an appointment and see for yourself."
Sloane shrugged, "Yeah sure...whatever. Pencil me in for whenever the next opening in her schedule is. The name is Shepard. Sloane Shepard."
The blue woman smiled seductively and Sloane felt her knees weaken. "We are already quite well aware of who you are Captain Shepard. I have scheduled an appointment for you in one month's time."
"A month? Really?" Sloane asked in disbelief.
"I am quite sorry," the woman replied, "the Consort is exceedingly busy, though if there is a cancellation perhaps your appointment could be moved up an hour or two."
"Alright," Sloane replied and then turning to her friends said, "Dudes, I'm sorry, this is my bad. I totally thought this place looked like a bar. We've still got a little time left so let's go see if we can find a place that has space beer."
She and her friends turned to leave the weird Consortium, but as they started to leave, the blue woman suddenly stopped them. "Excuse me Captain Shepard, this is highly irregularly, but my mistress, the Consort, has requested your presence. She is waiting for you upstairs."
Sloane shrugged and entered the Consortium, passing an number of weird aliens hanging out with scantily clad blue women on large, overstuffed sofas and chaise lounges as she made her way to the staircase. She headed up the stairs and there in a large, elegantly furnished chamber she saw yet another scantily clad blue woman laying seductively on a settee. This one appeared to be slightly older than the women lounging on chaise lounges on the ground floor, but there was still something, intangibly attractive about her and Sloane felt her loins tremble.
"So, you are Captain Shepard," the woman said, rising from her settee, "I am the Consort, and I beg of you a favor."
"A favor? From me?" Sloane replied, "What is it?" She didn't know whether she trusted this woman, but she was, nonetheless, curious as to what favor she could possibly want.
"A former client of mine and I have had a falling out, and because of it he has begun spreading lies about me. He is a military man named and so I thought that perhaps a fellow soldier could succeed in convincing him to do the right thing where I could not. The fellow's name is Spartacus, and I am quite certain you can find him drunk in one of the taverns in the wards. Do this for me and I shall be in your debt."
"What caused you two to have this falling out?" Sloane asked.
The woman laughed coquettishly and said, "It is not my place to say. Should Spartacus wish to tell you that is his choice."
Sloane shrugged and said, "Alright, we want to go to a bar anyway, so if we see this Spartacus guy we'll talk to him about not being a douchelord." She then turned and headed out of the Consortium with her crew members. As they emerged onto the street she said, "Alright guys let's go to the wards and get some brews!"
Kaidan had a look of dismay upon his face and said, "Uh, Captain...it's nearly sixteen hundred standard chronological units. We probably should get to the Tower of Counseling double time."
Sloane sighed and muttered, "Fuck."
Commercial Break
A tasteful muzak rendition of "Smells Like Teen Spirit," played as the elevator ascended to the highest floor of the Tower of Counseling. "This is going to suck so much ass isn't it?" Ashley asked no one in particular, "These hearing things are always lame as fuck...at least that's what I've heard. I've never actually been to one. Just people were always saying, 'The Council's a sack of shit that cares more about a cum-crusted sock than it does about humans.'"
"That's what people were always saying?" Kaidan asked incredulously.
"Yeah. On Eden One people used to say it all the time. See there was this one Councilor like two hundred years ago and there was some territorial dispute between some humans and Terrariums but the Councilor had lost his jizz sock or something and he skipped the Council session and the Terrariums ended up winning the hearing or whatever so yeah the Council cares more about a cum-crusted sock than they do about us."
"That never happened!" Kaidan exclaimed.
"Dude, for real. If you read something other than those shitty Hawke & Merrill fantasy novels you might have known about it," Ashley said.
There was a ping and then the doors to the elevator hissed open, revealing the Tower of Counseling's hallowed Halls of Jurisprudence. There were massive staircases lining the hall and countless aliens of all the Alliance species were milling about. A short distance ahead of them they saw a pair of Terrariums bickering, their mandibles clacking wildly as they shouted at each other angrily.
"I am certain Seville is up to something! I just need more time to investigate further!" one of the two Terrariums shouted.
"Bah! The hearing is scheduled to begin in a moment. There is no more time to be had Officer Gardus," the second Terrarium replied, "Now if you will excuse me, I have counseling and jurisprudence to dole out."
The Terrarium sauntered off, leaving Gardus alone. Sloane approached him and said, "Excuse me, I couldn't help overhearing your argument. It sounds like you don't trust Seville too much."
The Terrarium named Gardus looked up at her and clicked grossly, "Shepard right? I read your crew's report of what happened on Eden One. That Seville was involved doesn't surprise me. We've had trouble with him in the past, but he's clever and is very careful in covering up any wrong doing. I thought this time we'd nail him for sure, but the Council is pushing this hearing through too quickly. We in C-Sec have barely had any time to follow up any of the leads. Anyway I've said too much already. I just hope the Council takes what you and your crew say seriously. Maybe we can stop Seville before it's too late. If you'll excuse me, I must be going." Gardus suddenly turned on his heel and lopped off toward the elevator.
"That was weird," Ashley said looking back at the Terrarium as he got into the elevator.
Sloane nodded, and said, "Yes, but we've got other things to deal with. Come on."
A short distance up ahead she found the Commander and the Ambassador sitting on one of the innumerable park benches that filled the Hall of Jurisprudence. The Commander stood and greeted her, "Captain Shepard, are you ready? The Council is just assembling now."
"I guess I'm ready. We didn't really have time to gather more evidence at all, and it seems like the Council's pulled the plug on C-Sec's investigation as well," Sloane said.
"Alright let's go then," the Ambassador said, "Just let me do all the talking. Don't speak unless they ask you a question directly Shepard...okay?"
"Whatever."
Sloane felt as though she had been standing before the Council for hours. She was only half paying attention, but the hearing did not seem to be going very well for the Ambassador at all. The Councilors kept muttering things like "lack of evidence," and Seville having "a distinguished record of service." "You cannot expect us to take the word of one dumbass dockworker as sufficient evidence against Agent Seville can you?" the Terrarium Councilor asked in a insectlike drone.
Sloane had very nearly dozed off when the Commander suddenly shouted, "What about Captain Shepard's visions!"
The holographic projection of Seville cackled. "What manner of trial is this? How can I possibly defend myself against dreams being taken as evidence."
"Agreed," the Terrarium Councilor said, "Commander Anderson, I am of the mind that you are letting your past history with the defendant cloud your judgement. If you have any desire to see Captain Shepard...or any human for that matter...accepted into the Spectres, you would do well to be more mindful of your outbursts."
"Councilor, with all due respect, I am not certain what this hearing has to do with Captain Shepard's career with the Spectres," the Ambassador interjected, "This hearing should have no baring on her standing with that agency."
The Terrarium Councilor smirked and said, "Very well...Ambassador. Captain Shepard, do you have anything else you would like to add before we render our verdict?"
"Just that Seville's a douchelord of the highest caliber known to man. He's got an army of cybermen and wants to kill all humans," she replied, "but it doesn't matter, because you've already made up your minds about how you're going to rule. This entire hearing was a crock of shit and a total waste of time."
"Duly noted," the Terrarium Councilor said and then glanced at his fellow Councilors. The other two gross aliens nodded and then the Terrarium declared, "Then we the Council find the defendant, Seville the Terrarium Spectre, innocent of any wrongdoing on Eden One."
"AW YE YE!" the hologram of Seville shout and before the transmission ended and the hologram faded.
The Terrarium Councilor glared at the humans standing before him and declared sternly, "Ambassador...in the future it would behoove you to gather evidence before leveling such serious charges against a Spectre agent again. Now clear the hall."
Dejected, the humans exited the hall. "So now what?" Sloane asked as the walked down one of the countless overlong staircases, "We all know Seville is up to some shady shit, even if the Council doesn't want to hear it. I mean we heard some C-Sec officer telling that Terrarium Councilor as much just before the hearing began...Gardus or Garrus or something. He said he needed more time to follow up some leads, but the Councilor pretty much told him to fuck off."
"That's good. Follow up with that Gardus character then Captain Shepard," the Ambassador replied, "I'll go through some of my diplomatic channels to see if anyone else can corroborate any of the rumors about Seville."
"What about the Commander?" Sloane asked, "I'd feel weird stealing his thunder."
The Ambassador let out a drawn out, "Eh...." before Commander Anderson said, "I'll tell her, why don't you go back to the embassy?" The Ambassador shrugged and headed off. Once he was out of sight, Commander Anderson sighed and then said, "They weren't lying when they said Seville and I had history. A long time ago he and I worked together. We'd been tasked with taking down an intergalactic terror cell and had tracked them to Rigel VII. Seville took them down...without discrimination. More than a thousand civilians died. The official report said there was no wrong doing."
"That's monstrous! I'd never kill innocents!" Sloane exclaimed.
"Leaders like you and I sometimes have to make hard choices Shepard. Sometimes even when making the best choice, innocent people die because of it. That's not what makes Seville a monster. What made him a monster was that he never even considered any other way. The violence...he revels in it. He craves death and destruction, and that's why he's gotta go down! People trusted him and they died!"
"Commander?" Sloane said, "Let's get this asshole!"
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Post by Nudeviking on May 19, 2016 7:13:22 GMT -5
Mass Effect - S01E04 - Wrex n' Effects
The wards were dark and gritty, a real cyberpunk wonderland replete with neon lights and furiously pounding techno music. Sloane Shepard and her companions, the bland, milquetoast everyman, Kaidan "Wedge" Alenko, and the Voltron cosplay enthusiast cum space marine, Ashley, were hot on the trail of Garados, or Gradius or Garrus or whatever that disgusting praying mantis space cop's name was. They had heard that one of his fellow space cops, a drunken bastard named Harkins would know where to find him, and Harkins, unfortunately, could be found down in the wards.
"Harkins is probably in that bar over there," Sloane said, pointing to a low, ramshackle structure that throbbed and pulsed with annoying techno music.
A blast from a laser gun suddenly streaked through the air towards them. They were under attacked by gunmen. Sloane crouched down behind a low wall and drew her pistol before popping up and firing three shots at one of the gunmen. Her first shot went wide, hitting a nearby wall. The second shot grazed the alien's calf, causing him to curse, but he barely got the first syllable of his curse past whatever passed for a mouth before the third shot hit him in the face causing his head to explode into three thousand and fourteen pieces.
"AW YE YE! BAG 'EM AND TAG 'EM!" Kaidan shouted, indicating that the other gunman was also dead.
Sloane strolled up to the the corpses lying in the street and gave one a quick kick with her toe. Dead as a doornail. "These must be Seville's men," she said, "He knows we're on to him. Come on, let's get out of here before some C-Sec space pigs show up and start asking questions."
She and her companions made their way down the street and entered the bar. Instantaneously they were assailed by the repetitive throb of shitty space Skrillex blasting over the sound system. Scantily clad blue alien ladies writhed about on tables while praying mantis men and other gross aliens leered at them. Sloane wanted to find Harkins and get out of there as quickly as possible. Sloane walked up the the bar and hailed the rough looking barkeep who was wiping the bar down with the dingiest rag she'd ever seen. The surly human stopped working and scowled at her. "Whaddya want?" he spat angrily.
"I'm looking for a guy named Harkins. Heard he might be here. You know where I can find him?" Sloane asked.
The barkeep pointed toward a haggard looking drunk at a table in the corner and said, "That's Harkins. I don't know what your beef is with him, but if you're going to blast him, take him outside first...the last thing I need is C-Sec closing my bar to investigate the killing of one of their own."
Sloane flipped the barkeep a credit and thanked him. The man pocketed the credit and returned to wiping down the countertop.
Sloane crossed the bar to the table where Harkins sat. He was even more repulsive up close than he had seemed from afar. His hair was stringy and unkept and he stared at her with beady, bloodshot eyes.
"Helloooooo nurse!" he exclaimed, slurring his words slightly, "Fuck do I love a woman in uniform and damn Sugartits, that uniform's doing you a lot of favors."
"You Harkins? I heard you might know where I can find a C-Sec officer named Garrus or Garados or something."
"Garrus the Terrarium? Yeah, I know the guy. Might be able to help you find him too. Why don't you take a seat right here Sugartits and we'll talk all about ol' Garrus," Harkins said and patted his crotch suggestively.
"You're fucking disgusting," Sloane said, her voice pungent with contempt.
Harkins laughed, a sleazy laugh and said, "You're just figuring that out now Sweetcheeks? I guess I could help you out a little...us humans gotta stick together and all that horseshit right? I saw Garrus today...he said he was going to the medical bay to follow up on some leads. You might what to check there first. If he's not there maybe Doc will know where he went."
"Thanks Harkins," Sloane said and then turned and began to walk away. Behind her Harkins whistled appreciatively and muttered, "Just as good going as it was comin'."
"Pig," Sloane muttered under her breath as she headed towards the door. Out of the corner of her eye she noticed a Terrarium dressed in the garb of a general and stopped, "Guys do you that that dude's the dude the Consort told us about last episode?"
Kaidan "Wedge" Alenko, the most boring man in seven systems, nodded and then said, "I think maybe it is. We should go talk to him."
Sloane strolled up to the Terrarium general and gave him the "What's up?" head nod before asking him, "Yo mang, you know the Consort? She asked me to talk to you."
The drunk Terrarium scoffed drunkenly, "Bah! I have ruined everything with her! Leave me here to drink and wallow in my misery!"
"Dude, you're a fucking general so sack up and fucking act like it. Go back to the consort and apologize for whatever the fuck you did to piss her off and set things right mang," Sloane said forcefully.
The Terrarium took a swig of whatever foul smelling liquor remained in his chug cup and let out a clicky laugh. "You're Shepard aren't you? Shepard, there are five people in the universe who could talk to me like that...alright, I'll do it. I'll go talk to the Consort, but not before a take a couple dozen showers to wash this stank off me."
"I'm glad to hear it," Sloane replied.
The Terrarium knocked back his drink and said, "You'll make a good general someday Shepard...oh by the way I'd like to ask a favor. There's an elcor diplomat who thinks the Consort sold his secrets. She didn't...it was me. I need to put things right with him. Tell him it was me, and give him this datapad if he needs more proof." The Terrarium stood and brushed the wrinkles from his uniform slacks and as he walked away said, "Thanks again Shepard."
Sloane looked to her companions and said, "Let's go find Garrus."
Commercial Break
The door to the Medical Bay hissed like an annoyed cat as it slid open. A grimy looking thug turned toward the door, and seeing Sloane standing there grabbed a woman in the garb of a medic and placed a blaster to her dome.
"One wrong move and this bitch gets it!" the thug shouted, "Don't think I won't do it!"
Before Sloane could even attempt to reason with thug, there was a sudden blast of laser blast and the grimy thug's head exploded into brains and gore that splattered against the wall behind him like a Jackson Pollock painting. Sloane turned to see a Terrarium C-Sec officer crouched behind a hospital bed. Several of the thug's companions turned towards him and opened fire.
Sloane drew her pistol and fired shots at the gangbangers that were trying to dust some cops off. Her shots were wildly inaccurate to be quite frank and she was glad Ashley and Kaidan and even that disgusting praying mantis dude were there to pick up the slack. Soon the floors of the medical bay were a mess of thug blood and gangster bits.
"Doc are you alright?" Garrus asked his mandibles clicking wildly.
"I'm fine thanks to you all," Doc replied.
"Who were those guys?" Sloane asked pointing toward the heap of exploded corpses covering the floor.
"They work for Fist...a local scofflaw who is an agent for the shadow broker...or at least was. The word on the street is he's thrown his lot in with Seville the Terrarium recently," Garrus replied, "But what could they possibly want with you Doc?"
The doctor nodded her head and said, "It wasn't me they were after it was a girl...a Qunari. She came to me and said she had some information she wanted to sell to the shadow broker. I told her I'd set up a meeting, only she never showed."
Garrus pounded his hand into his palm and shouted, "She must have information about Seville if Fist is after her and that information must be real good if Fist is willing to cross the shadow broker for it. No one crosses the shadow broker and gets away with it for long. In fact there's a Krogan bounty hunter in C-Sec right now that the shadow broker hired to take out Fist."
"A Krogan bounty hunter eh?" Sloane said in a most Canadian fashion, "What do you say we pay him a visit?"
Commercial Break
The Krogan was huge, dwarfing the human and Terrarium C-Sec pigs surrounding him. "Every time I get hired to do a job here I end up spending like half a day talking with you chuckleheads," the Krogan said with a voice like a rock and roll saxophone.
"That's the guy?" Sloane asked Garrus.
"Yup. They call him Wrex on account of how much house he wrecks. He's one of the best bounty hunters in the entire galaxy," Garrus chittered through clacking mandibles.
"Then he's our guy," Sloane said and then walked towards the hulking alien and shouted, "Yo Wrex!"
The alien turned and with a voice that sounded like an avalanche replied, "Who are you and what do ya want?"
"My name's Sloane Shepard and I hear you're gunning for a guy named Fist."
"Shepard huh? The Sloane Shepard from A-Cooze? Damn. I heard about that shit. I always pictured someone a little less soft and lot less stacked...no offense," the behemoth rumbled, "As for Fist, I probably shouldn't admit this here with all these cops around but I'm totally going wreck his shit forever."
Sloane smirked and said, "What do you say to a little team up Wrex? We're looking for Fist too. We think he might know where a girl we're looking for is."
"Alright Shepard you got yourself a deal," the Krogan grunted, "My people have a saying...the enemy of my target can be a friend."
"It's a good saying Wrex. My people having a saying too...LET'S WRECK HOUSE!"
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Post by Nudeviking on May 22, 2016 9:22:55 GMT -5
Mass Effect - S01E05 - Keep The Fist
The hansom hovercab whirred to a halt before Chanda's Den. Sloane handed the cab driver a handful of credits telling the driver to keep the change. She the. stepped out of the cab with the Terrarium cop, Garrus, and the Krogan bounty hunter, Wrex, right behind her. The cab whirred off, leaving the trio on an otherwise deserted street. The neighborhood which usually throbbed with shitty, loin shaking techno music was eerily quiet.
"Fist has an office in there," Wrex grunted pointing towards the bar with the barrel of his assault laser, "He's got a bunch of goons working for him, so don't be surprised if we have to wreck house on some jokers."
Sloane and Garrus drew their own guns and approached the strangely silent nightclub. The Terrarium cop hit the door's control panel causing the door it slid open. No sooner had the door opened a bolt of lasery goodness came streaking past them.
Sloane flattened herself against the wall as Garrus and Wrex returned fire. Wrex had been right about Fist's goons. Steeling herself Sloane pivoted into the doorway and fired her blaster. A blast of laserblast hurtled into the bar and struck a grimy looking thug in the nards.
"Ow my balls!" the thug howled. He dropped his blaster and gripped his ruined nutsack.
Sloane squeezed the trigger of her own blaster sending another bolt of laser through the air. The blast struck the thug with the ruined dong, ending his life. As the thug collapsed in a heap of being dead Sloane let out a triumphant, "YES!" and the shouted, "Garrus did you see that? I totally killed that guy!"
The Terrarium glanced back at her from the pile of corpses he had slain and smiled, or as close to a smile as a horrid praying mantis alien man could get with clacking mandibles. "That's really something Captain Shepard. Now we should really hurry if we're going to stop Fist from his nefarious plot."
Sloane agreed, though she wasn't really entirely certain what Fist's evil plan actually was. She quickly hit the control panel causing the door to Fist's office to slid open.
Almost immediately laserblasts started blasting at Sloane and her buddies. There, next to Fist's desk were a pair of tripod mounted laser blasters. Sloane and her crew returned fire, shooting the shit out of the tripods. Sloane, however, aimed rather poorly and hit Fist in the shoulder as he attempted to hide from the laser onslaught that Wrex and Garrus were blasting into his office. A moment later the tripods exploded.
"Don't shoot! Don't shoot! I'll talk!" Fist shouted.
"Start talking Fist. Where's the Qunari?" Sloane asked angrily.
"I don't know where she is right now. She came to me with some information. Said she'd only give it to the Shadow Broker...so I arranged a meeting," Fist said meekly.
Wrex glared at the greasy scumbag and grumbled in a voice that sounded like a cinderblock being dragged across asphalt, "But that's impossible. The Shadow Broker never meets people directly. Even I was hired through one of his agents."
"Who's she meeting then Fist?" Sloane asked, her voice rising angrily, "Answer me quick and maybe I won't laser your nutsack off you bastard!"
Fist swallowed hard and said, "She's meeting some of Seville's agents in the alley behind the market. If you hurry you might still catch her."
A laser suddenly blasted through the air causing Fist's head to explode. Laser stink lines wafted from Wrex's blaster.
"What did you do that for?!" Garrus shouted angrily.
"I was paid to kill him," Wrex replied, "I killed him because it was my job."
"Don't worry about it Wrex. That fucker had it coming," Sloane said, "Now let's go we've got a Qunari to save!"
Commercial Break
It was a race against time as Sloane and her alien companions blasted their way out of Chandra's Den. Sometime between their last gunfight in the bar and Wrex blasting the shit out of Fist in the office the club had refilled with gun toting gangsters.
Sloane emptied her pistol into the chest of one particularly unlucky fellow and she raced towards the door. The market wasn't far from the bar, but if Seville's agents got there before she did the Qunari girl was as good as dead and with her any chance of getting the council to convict Seville of douchebaggery.
A suddenly blast of laserblast from Wrex's laser blaster blasted the remaining thugs and gangsters full of lasers. Bodies, both whole and in chunk form were hurled across the bar, their shit as completely and utterly wrecked as one's shit could be. It was not long before the pew pew of the laser blasters had fallen silent.
"C'mon dudes!" Sloane shouted, "It's a race against time and I don't want to find out what's going to happen if we can't beat the clock!"
Out onto the streets they dashed madly, dodging hansom hovercabs, Keepers, and electro music fans disappointed that Chandra's Den was closed on account of all the gunfighting that had gone down. Sloane and her companions ducked down a back alley bathed in the harsh glare of neon lights befitting a cyperpunk Mecca such as the wards.
There at the end of the alleyway Sloane caught sight of a Qunari woman clad in the gasmask and space burqa common among her people. Suddenly and quite unexpectedly a trio of battle droids emerged from the shadows and moved toward the Qunari in a threatening manner.
"Those must be Seville's goons," Sloane exclaimed, "We gotta help her!"
Sloane drew her pistol and blasted a blast of laserblast into the blasted head of one of the battle droids. The back of its head exploded just like Bam Bam Bigelow and the Qunari girl suddenly became aware that a fight had broken out in the alleyway. She gasped and pulled something from within the folds of her space burqa that she tossed towards the battle droids.
A moment later an explosion tore through the alleyway reducing the battle droids to a heap of blacked scrap metal. The girl had been saved, more or less by herself, but with the assassins in a heap of being dead, she approached Sloane and thanked her for saving her life.
"My name is Tali and I thank you for saving me," the Qunari woman said, "Though I am not entirely certain why you did."
"We heard you had some information about a very bad Terrarium named Seville," Sloane said, "We are trying to get him convicted for being a douchebag and using Cybermen to attack Eden One and thought maybe your information would help."
The Qunari nodded and said, "Probably. I found a dead Cyberman on another planet while on my Pilgrimage and pulled out his central hard drive. Usually when a cyberman dies their hard drive get destroyed, but if you know what you are doing you can recover some scraps of data. With this particular cyberman the data I obtained was a recording of Seville talking about some sci-fi Conduit of McGuffin and bringing back the Reavers."
Sloane swallowed hard. The Conduit of McGuffins? Reavers? Tali's accent? Her ass? It was a lot to take in all at once. "We should get that recording to the ambassador," she said, "With it we might finally be able to convince the Council to take action."
Commercial Break
The disgusting council aliens stood before Sloane, Tali, the Commander and the human Ambassador. From the blank looks upon their faces it was clear that what they had heard on Tali's recording had blown their goddamn minds. It would be impossible for them to weasel out of striping Seville the Terrarium of his spectre powers now.
After what seemed like an eternity the Terrarium counselor opened his clicking, clacking mandibles and spake, "There can be no doubt that Seville the Terrarium was responsible for the attack on Eden One and thus will be stripped of his spectre powers immediately. As for the woman speaking with him or any of that other rubbish, I cannot say."
The blue fish lady counselor looked at her companion and said, "The woman's voice I recognize as Matriarch Boob Witch. She has long been revered as one of the wisest women of my race, though what cause she has to ally herself with Seville I cannot fathom."
"What about that Conduit of McGuffin and the Reavers?" Sloane asked, "That must have been exactly what I saw in my prophetic vision back on Eden One."
The counsellors laughed and the blue fish lady replied, "The Reavers are nothing but a fairytale. If such a race as that, hellbent on destruction were truly to exist, what reason could Seville possibly have for unleashing them? It would be dumb as fuck for him to do so."
The Terrarium nodded in agreement, but said nothing. A heavy silence hung in the air.
"So that's it?" the Ambassador asked after a moment, putting an end to the uncomfortable silence, "Seville's not a spectre anymore...have a nice day?"
"What would you have us do?" asked the Terrarium.
"Do your job! Bring him in. Send cops or a fleet something," Sloane shouted.
The Terrarium sighed, "He's somewhere in the Veil. Do you know how hard it would be to find a single Terrarium in the Veil? Even if it wasn't impossible we can't very well send a fleet into the Veil! Such an act would surly cause a war between the Alliance and the Axis..."
"This is bullshit..." Sloane muttered under her breath and then said, "Fine! I'll go after him myself, since you fuckers don't seem to want to help us at all. I bet if the Cybermen attack a Terrarium colony you'd have all the fleets of the Citadel out there wrecking house on fuckers, but a human colony? Ha!"
"Do it yourself eh?" the Terrarium counselor said, "Very well." He punched something into his computer terminal and then looked up and smirked at Sloane before saying, "Congratulations Captain Sloane Shepard, you are now a spectre."
Sloane's jaw dropped. She wanted to gnash her teeth and wail so crestfallen was she, but she was a goddamn space marine, and wailing was not something she did. Steeling herself she glared at the Terrarium douchelord cum counselor and said, "That's not what I wanted at all. I don't want to be a spectre...you fuckers tricked me!"
The Terrarium douchelord smirked sending douchechills racing down Sloane's spine. His mandibles clacked mockingly and he replied, "Maybe we did, Spectre Shepard, maybe we did. Anyway good luck out there, you're going to need it."
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Post by Nudeviking on May 25, 2016 20:41:58 GMT -5
Mass Effect - S01E06 - The Space Car
The Commander dangled a #1 Dad keyring from his hand and sighed. "You're going to be needing these Shepard," he said meekly before placing the keys in Sloane's hand. "Sir, I don't understand. These are the keys to the Normandy," she said, "Why would I need your keys to the Normandy?" "I know," the Commander replied. There was a look of sadness in his eyes. "You're a spectre now and are going to need a ship to hunt that stupid praying mantis man, Seville down and get some sweet payback for all us humans. The council is still really dragging its heels on this entire thing, so who knows how long it would take for them to issue you a new ship...or get you a crew to run it. Besides you know the Normandy...know what she can do, and you know the crew." "Commander...I can't," Sloane said and tried to return the keyring. "Take her! That's an order Shepard," the Commander said with a playful grin. "Yes sir," Sloane said and pocketed the keyring before asking, "What about you sir?" "Looks like it's a desk job for me!" he said, "I never thought I'd end my career pushing papers in the Citadel Embassy, but here we are. Shepard, a lot's counting on you, but you don't have to do it alone alright? The crew will help you the best they can, and if there's anything I can do for you, just ask alright?" "Yes sir." "Good luck to you then Spectre Shepard," he replied, "Humanity's counting on you." Sloane nodded, but was unsure of where to begin her search for Seville. "So where do I even start looking for this guy? The universe is a big ass place," she asked. The Ambassador rolled his eyes and muttered, "Oh for God's sake," before saying, "I've sent data on possible whereabouts of Seville to your navigator. We've also tracked down the daughter of the Boob Witch. She might have some more information on her mother's motives for helping Seville. I've sent coordinates to her last known location as well. As to where to start, either of those places is probably your best bet." "Thanks Ambassador," Sloane said. Maybe she had been wrong about the Ambassador's level of douchebaggery. "Yeah whatever," the Ambassador said dismissively, "Anyway I've got hella ambassading to do. Smell you later dudes." Sloane realized that no, her earlier decision that the Ambassador was an annoying douchelord had indeed been correct. "I should probably bounce too," the Commander said, "Good luck to you Shepard. The fate of all humanity is resting on your shoulders." "I don't think it's anything so dire as that Commander." "The fate of all humanity!" the Commander repeated and then strolled off after the douchey Ambassador. Sloane sighed and then walked over to the Normandy, fished the keys out of her pocket and unlocked the door to the Normandy. The door to her space ship. Commercial Break
"Is it weird? Being the new Commander now I mean?" Joker asked as Sloane stood beside him, "It's gotta be weird right? 'Cuz your the Commander now, but like half the crew probably remembers you as that grunt who got caught making out in the officer's lounge with Staff Sergeant What's-Her-Name during the Christmas party but now you're Commander Shepard and a spectre to boot." Sloane groaned and said, "Ug...don't remind me of that. I still can't believe those stupid aliens tricked me into becoming a spectre. I was so careful while I was in the Citadel and then in the end they just kind of were like, 'Fuck all y'all we're not going to send cops or soldiers to go looking for that asshole we gave all the power to who wrecked house on your stupid human shit," and I just got so pissed off so I was all like, 'Whatever suckbags, I'll do it myself!' and the next thing I know they're like, 'Congrats you're a spectre now.'" Joker nodded and continued adding coordinate data into the navi-computer. Sloane doubted he had listened to her when he suddenly asked, "You going to give a speech? New Commanders usually give speeches don't they? You know, to pump up the crew and that sort of thing..." "I hadn't thought about it. You think I should?" Sloane asked. "Might be a good idea," Joker replied, still staring at the navi-computer's screen. Sloane sighed, and said, "Well, here goes nothing." She pressed a button on the console and the intercom crackled to life. "Ummm, this is Captain Shepard...your new Captain I guess. How you doin'? We've been tasked with finding the assfuck who wrecked house on Eden One. The Council doesn't seem to think it worth their time or energy, so it's just going to be us, but you know what? That's fine, because we're humans and humans kick all kinds of ass! So let's get out there and hustle! Let's give 110% and let's show those goddamn aliens just what humanity's made of! HOOAH!!!" From the bowels of the ship came a great cry of, "HOOAH!" "Nice speech Captain," Joker said. Sloane wasn't sure if he was being sarcastic or not, but she thanked him nonetheless. "So where are we headed first? I've got a couple different sets of coordinates that dickbag Ambassador's people uploaded as possible leads." "We're going after the Boob Witch's daughter!" Sloane said. Joker smirked and adjusted his Chicago Droids basewars cap. "I figured that's what you'd say Boss," he replied and began punching data into the navi-computer, "Alright Captain, you might want to strap on...pfff..." "Joker!" He bit his lip to stop giggling and said, "Sorry Captain. Strap on your seat belt, we're going to be making the jump to mass effect in a minute." Sloane sat down in her Captain's chair as Joker pulled out of the parking space and began talking to the Citadel's air traffic control. As the ship slowly inched out of the Citadel shipyards Sloane wondered what was to come. The first human spectre in the history of all history. She wasn't exactly thrilled about how she'd ended up with the job to begin with, but she couldn't deny that there was a small measure of pride in being the first. As the Normandy exited Citadel airspace and approached the gigantic, humming mass effect space dildo she came to realize that she was representing all humanity and prayed that she didn't fuck up and ruin humanities chances with the Alliance. Joker's dulcet tones squawked over the intercom, "All crew prepare for a jump into mass effect!" A moment later blue lightning for the mass effect space dildo kissed the Normandy and the starfield dissolved around them. Commercial BreakAs the Normandy's space car's retrorockets fired Joker's voice blared over the intercom, "Yo Captain, I'm picking up some hella crazy readings, like of the chart, beyond the scale readings. They're coming from underground." Sloane wonder what charts and scales Joker was talking about as she replied, "Alright, we'll look into it." They'd picked up some anomaly while orbiting the planet, one of a dozen or so in the system where the Boob Witch's daughter was last reported to have been seen, and decided to land and investigate it. The space car touched down on the planet's surface violently. It flipped and rolled down an embankment. Inside the space car a klaxon blared wildly and Tali, the space Arabian shouted, "The hull's been compromised." The space car continued to roll, coming to a rest at last at the bottom of an embankment. "We're going to need to repair the space car if it's going to be any use to us!" Sloane shouted over the screaming sirens, "Come on Tali, we need to take a look at it." "You're going to need someone to cover you Shepard," Ashley said, shouldering her laser assault rifle in the most Vasquez-esque fashion possible, "We've got no idea what's out there." "You're right Ashley," Sloane replied, "Thanks." The trio of women exited to hatch of the space car to assess the damage. The space car was a goddamn wreck. The hull was all smashed to shit and the wheels were somehow on fire. Sloane was crestfallen, but Tali did not seem perturbed but the wreck and said, "I can fix this, but I'm going to need like fifteen units of omni-goop, a paperclip, and a Capri Sun." Sloane went back into the space car to fetch the items needed while Ashley and Tali waited outside. With her arms full of omni-goop, a single paperclip and a pouch of "Orange®" Flavored Capri Sun she once again exited the burning wreck. "Here you go Tali. I hope 'Orange®' is okay. That was the only flavor we had," Sloane said as she handed the space burqa clad woman the heap of omni-goop and other items. "It's fine," Tali said taking the items and setting to work repairing the vehicle, "You'd be surprised what we have to make do with in the floatilla." Sloane sat beside Ashley watching the other woman work, slathering omni-goop about the hull with a Sith Army Knife that she had pulled from her pocket. It was incredibly slow going, but in time Tali had repaired the bulk of the damage. She then attached the "Orange®" Capri Sun and her beverage intake valve and let out an "Ahhh..." of refreshment before saying, "The space car is as good as new. We can carry on to investigate that anomaly that man with the sexy voice told us about." Ashley laughed, "You think Joker sounds sexy?" "Yes, his voice at least. I have never seen the fellow, so I don't know if he is well formed or not. I doubt it though. There are very few of your kind I find attractive in that way...no offense. I mean you humans are better looking than the Korgans and the Terrariums, but I've never seen one that I'd be willing to take off my anti-bacterial space burqa for." "That makes sense I guess," Ashley said. "Okay you two, let's get back in the space car," Sloane interjected, "Like you said Ashley, we don't have any idea what's out here." The three women climbed back into the newly repaired space car, and Sloane turned the engine back on. As the space car trundled forward there was a suddenly laser blast from somewhere. It was a direct hit. Klaxons screamed and sirens wailed as flames filled the interior of the space car. Sloane had failed; completely and utterly. She had failed her crew. She failed her mission. She'd failed humanity, and as she burned to death her last thought was, "Fuck this fucking space car." The End
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Post by Nudeviking on May 25, 2016 20:49:18 GMT -5
I think I'm done with Mass Effect, or at least Mass Effect One. The space car is the worst thing ever. I died 43 times over a single hour last night in that stupid space car. That is more deaths than I died in the entire Dragon Age series.
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Post by rimjobflashmob on May 26, 2016 0:27:40 GMT -5
I think I'm done with Mass Effect, or at least Mass Effect One. The space car is the worst thing ever. I died 43 times over a single hour last night in that stupid space car. That is more deaths than I died in the entire Dragon Age series. NO
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Post by Nudeviking on May 26, 2016 0:40:07 GMT -5
I think I'm done with Mass Effect, or at least Mass Effect One. The space car is the worst thing ever. I died 43 times over a single hour last night in that stupid space car. That is more deaths than I died in the entire Dragon Age series. NO Sorry. I have better ways to spend my limited video game time than watching a stupid space car burn again and again while that creepy Friday the 13th "ooh ooh oooh ooh ah ah ah ah" music plays.
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Post by rimjobflashmob on May 26, 2016 1:17:46 GMT -5
Sorry. I have better ways to spend my limited video game time than watching a stupid space car burn again and again while that creepy Friday the 13th "ooh ooh oooh ooh ah ah ah ah" music plays. Yeah, the Mako controls are wonky. I never had a huge issue with it myself but I've heard complaints from enough people to recognize it can be a dealbreaker. I do hope you'll give ME2 a shot though, because I love the series so much and am selfish about your fantastic recaps. The only downside of jumping into ME2 without an ME1 save is that the game assumes you made certain spoiler-y decisions about certain characters that I dislike. But, no space car, so you'd be good there.
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Post by Hugs and Hisses on May 26, 2016 16:26:20 GMT -5
Please, please, please don't give up because of the Mako! The Mako sucks Krogan balls, yes. But the rest of the game is too good to give up just because of the stupid Mako! On my first attempt at driving the Mako I somehow managed to K-turn it into a spot that I couldn't get out of. I had to load a previous save point because otherwise the crew of the Normandy was going to starve to death, trapped in a space SUV. So I hear you on wanting to quit, but I persevered and was rewarded with what is unquestionably my favorite pop culture experience ever -- a full play-through of all all three games, with all of my decisions carrying from game to game. If you quit now, you'll regret it! Maybe not today, and maybe not tomorrow, but someday and for the rest of your life. (Or maybe I just really selfishly don't want your recaps to stop. One or the other. You decide.)
Also, the Mako gets much easier to drive once you're just using it to cruise planets.
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Post by Liz n Dick on May 26, 2016 18:24:36 GMT -5
Please don't quit! I need your recaps, too! They've inspired us to start our first re-play, just so we can have it all fresh in our minds for these write-ups! ::BREAKS DOWN SOBBING:: Curse you, Mako! Curse the day you were born!!
I don't man the controls at stately Dick n Hisses Manor, so I don't have first-hand experience with how shitty it is, but I do recall that the big introductory "Meet The Mako" level was one of those rare video game moments where I had to leave the room and let Hugs figure it out herself, because I just could. not. deal. anymore. Also, my boss, when we started the game the first time, got really excited; he was all, "OMG, Mass Effect is my favorite thing of all time, even more favorite than my children, but let me warn you now: THE SPACE CAR SUCKS SO BAD." My advice is to let go and let Mako. Eventually, this too shall pass.
And then we can get back to your amazing recaps.
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Post by Liz n Dick on May 26, 2016 18:29:57 GMT -5
I should also add, since she's totally unlikely to see me posting this here, that Hugs is a major, major spaz at video games. My assumption is that if she can figure out the Mako, anyone can. Give it time!
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Post by Hugs and Hisses on May 26, 2016 19:44:52 GMT -5
I should also add, since she's totally unlikely to see me posting this here, that Hugs is a major, major spaz at video games. My assumption is that if she can figure out the Mako, anyone can. Give it time! Truth is, I never got to the Mako because my Commander Shepherd read the map wrong and walked off in the opposite direction. He eventually died from heatstroke on Ferros.
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Post by Nudeviking on May 27, 2016 1:34:22 GMT -5
Please don't quit! I need your recaps, too! They've inspired us to start our first re-play, just so we can have it all fresh in our minds for these write-ups! ::BREAKS DOWN SOBBING:: Curse you, Mako! Curse the day you were born!!
I don't man the controls at stately Dick n Hisses Manor, so I don't have first-hand experience with how shitty it is, but I do recall that the big introductory "Meet The Mako" level was one of those rare video game moments where I had to leave the room and let Hugs figure it out herself, because I just could. not. deal. anymore. Also, my boss, when we started the game the first time, got really excited; he was all, "OMG, Mass Effect is my favorite thing of all time, even more favorite than my children, but let me warn you now: THE SPACE CAR SUCKS SO BAD." My advice is to let go and let Mako. Eventually, this too shall pass. And then we can get back to your amazing recaps. There's a "here's how to use the stupid space car" level? I just got dumped on some random brown planet with no instructions on how to do anything and promptly drove the space car into a crevasse that was a slightly different shade of brown and died. Revived avoid that slightly different brown patch, hit some bump, flipped over, rolled down an embankment into that brown patch and died again. Revived, avoid all bumps, brown patches and inclines, and got blastered by some kind of Not an AT-ST (But Totally an AT-ST) and died again. I attempted it again today with just running everything over in the space car which worked a little bit better until I somehow ended up in this position and had to reload the game again (apologies for the crap picture, I am playing on a PS3 so there's no way to take an actual screen shot so I just took a picture of my tv with a phone). Anyway when all was said and done I finally got to the end of the space car portion of the level, had to hoof it past some rocket launchers and snipers. I save it, walk up a hill and there's a cut scene. Big Robots fall out of the sky an when the cut scene ends I'm dead. I reload it. Watch the cut scene again, and promptly die. Take three? Same results, as soon as the cut scene ends I die. This is honestly the least fun game I can recall playing. I'm sure there was probably something worse that I rented from Blockbuster circa 1989, but in the modern era I cannot recall playing a game that was this irksome. Every enemy can kill you in a single hit. There's some stupid ass space car that dies if you touch the wrong brown patch. It seems to be all about stealth, which is not my jam and maybe worst of all you don't even have to have a total party wipeout to get a game over. There have been so many times where Shepard got hit by a laser rocket and died in one hit while the other two people in my party had full health. This is super lame. In Dragon Age if the Inquisitor went down you'd switch to Sera or Iron Bull and wreck house on some dudes and revive the main dude and carry on, this one? Nope. If there's a way to decrease the difficulty from Normal to Space Wimp like there was in Dragon Age (a series that didn't need such an option since I died maybe 12 times total across the entire series compared to the 60 or 70 deaths I'm up to in 4 hours of play in this) I will do that and play again, but otherwise, I'm done for real.
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Post by Liz n Dick on May 27, 2016 7:12:12 GMT -5
If there's a way to decrease the difficulty from Normal to Space Wimp like there was in Dragon Age (a series that didn't need such an option since I died maybe 12 times total across the entire series compared to the 60 or 70 deaths I'm up to in 4 hours of play in this) I will do that and play again, but otherwise, I'm done for real. Ugh, yeah, that is genuinely really awful. I'm so sorry the Mako's your dealbreaker, because it's such a great game (and great series) otherwise. That said, there must be a way to set it to Space Wimp because, like I mentioned above, Hugs managed to play through it. And she's the WORST. So we probably did get into the settings, otherwise we'd still be on that first scene in Eden Prime...
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Post by Hugs and Hisses on May 27, 2016 8:34:28 GMT -5
If there's a way to decrease the difficulty from Normal to Space Wimp like there was in Dragon Age (a series that didn't need such an option since I died maybe 12 times total across the entire series compared to the 60 or 70 deaths I'm up to in 4 hours of play in this) I will do that and play again, but otherwise, I'm done for real. That said, there must be a way to set it to Space Wimp because, like I mentioned above, Hugs managed to play through it. And she's the WORST. It's true, I am the WORST and I managed it. I did set it to Space Wimp -- it's called "Casual" in the difficulty menu. And I think I set it to give me a very generous aiming radius with guns. It took me until the second game to figure out how to use my special powers, so those aren't required to win, either. I seem to recall it also took me a while to figure out how to power up my equipment and to get heavier armor. I don't remember the level you're talking about, but I should be hitting it tonight or tomorrow in my play-through. If I glean any insight into how to make it more fun, I'll let you know. I'm so, so, so sorry this game isn't working out for you. I second Ram Jam's suggestion to skip to ME:2 before giving up on the entire series. The game play is vastly improved!
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Post by rimjobflashmob on May 27, 2016 9:30:13 GMT -5
Please don't quit! I need your recaps, too! They've inspired us to start our first re-play, just so we can have it all fresh in our minds for these write-ups! ::BREAKS DOWN SOBBING:: Curse you, Mako! Curse the day you were born!!
I don't man the controls at stately Dick n Hisses Manor, so I don't have first-hand experience with how shitty it is, but I do recall that the big introductory "Meet The Mako" level was one of those rare video game moments where I had to leave the room and let Hugs figure it out herself, because I just could. not. deal. anymore. Also, my boss, when we started the game the first time, got really excited; he was all, "OMG, Mass Effect is my favorite thing of all time, even more favorite than my children, but let me warn you now: THE SPACE CAR SUCKS SO BAD." My advice is to let go and let Mako. Eventually, this too shall pass. And then we can get back to your amazing recaps. There's a "here's how to use the stupid space car" level? I just got dumped on some random brown planet with no instructions on how to do anything and promptly drove the space car into a crevasse that was a slightly different shade of brown and died. Revived avoid that slightly different brown patch, hit some bump, flipped over, rolled down an embankment into that brown patch and died again. Revived, avoid all bumps, brown patches and inclines, and got blastered by some kind of Not an AT-ST (But Totally an AT-ST) and died again. I attempted it again today with just running everything over in the space car which worked a little bit better until I somehow ended up in this position and had to reload the game again (apologies for the crap picture, I am playing on a PS3 so there's no way to take an actual screen shot so I just took a picture of my tv with a phone). Anyway when all was said and done I finally got to the end of the space car portion of the level, had to hoof it past some rocket launchers and snipers. I save it, walk up a hill and there's a cut scene. Big Robots fall out of the sky an when the cut scene ends I'm dead. I reload it. Watch the cut scene again, and promptly die. Take three? Same results, as soon as the cut scene ends I die. This is honestly the least fun game I can recall playing. I'm sure there was probably something worse that I rented from Blockbuster circa 1989, but in the modern era I cannot recall playing a game that was this irksome. Every enemy can kill you in a single hit. There's some stupid ass space car that dies if you touch the wrong brown patch. It seems to be all about stealth, which is not my jam and maybe worst of all you don't even have to have a total party wipeout to get a game over. There have been so many times where Shepard got hit by a laser rocket and died in one hit while the other two people in my party had full health. This is super lame. In Dragon Age if the Inquisitor went down you'd switch to Sera or Iron Bull and wreck house on some dudes and revive the main dude and carry on, this one? Nope. If there's a way to decrease the difficulty from Normal to Space Wimp like there was in Dragon Age (a series that didn't need such an option since I died maybe 12 times total across the entire series compared to the 60 or 70 deaths I'm up to in 4 hours of play in this) I will do that and play again, but otherwise, I'm done for real. IIRC you can choose which level to go to first out of 3 post-Citadel, yeah? Plus there's a bunch of side missions, whenever I hit a wall I would reload and level up a few times. Also the trick to the robot ambush is to run up the hill immediately and take cover because otherwise, yeah, dead. I can't blame you for not wanting to play a game you genuinely don't enjoy, it's just weird and a bummer that our gaming experiences with ME1 are so vastly different.
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Post by Hugs and Hisses on May 28, 2016 12:21:29 GMT -5
I played this part of the game last night and I can definitely see why you're frustrated enough to quit! My advice is to save just before the cut scene so when you die (pardon me, if you die) you won't have to do the last leg of driving the slow-ass space car again. Also, Ram Jam is right -- as soon as the cut scene ends, bolt up the tiny hill just to your right. There's ample cover for Sloane to cower behind when the nasty cyberman-horse thing fires the Glow Balls of Death. If you set it to "Casual", there's a ton of time in between the Glow Balls of Death to hammer away at the bad guy with an assault rifle. Meanwhile, the other two teammates will take out all the other baddies.
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Post by rimjobflashmob on May 28, 2016 14:07:29 GMT -5
Also if you have anyone with biotic abilities (I've always played a vanguard) you can take out the non-robotank baddies fairly swiftly. Barrier is also my bff on any ME1 playthrough.
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Post by Nudeviking on May 30, 2016 3:33:26 GMT -5
Mass Effect - S01E07 - The Giant RobotSloane awoke with a start, gasping for breath. Sweat poured from her brow as she, in a panic, glanced about, her eyes wide with terror. She had died; burned to death in a space car on some desolate brown planet. She remembered dying, but a sterile room with LED lights glaring down upon her with banks of beeping computers and machinery lining the walls matched no description of the afterlife she'd ever heard of. There were supposed to be clouds and harps, or more likely in Sloane's case flames and ironic punishments. "You're finally awake," a familiar voice said, "We weren't sure you were going to make it. It seemed that you'd gotten the worst of it." Sloane turned her head to see Doctor Chocolate walking towards her. She quickly realized that she was back aboard the Normandy, but had no idea how that was even possible. She was certain she'd died in that space car. She'd seen her life play out before her and felt it come to an end as the laser blast sundered the space car and the flames washed over her body. "How?" Sloane asked, her voice cracking, "How am I here? I died. I know I did." "I don't know the specifics of the mission to rescue you and the others beyond the basics. After we'd lost contact with the space car, a second party was sent down to the surface. Kaidan and those two gross aliens...the Korgan and the Terrarium went down and retrieved your bodies and brought them back to the ship. You were, in the strictest medical terms, totally fucked, but I was able to regenerate your organs and the use the ship's bacta tank heal you less severe injuries." "What about the others?" Sloane asked, "Ashley and Tali?" "Ashley is still in the bacta tank, but is expected to make a full recovery. Tali's injuries were surprisingly minor and she has been up and about for a week already," Doctor Chocolate said. "Thanks Doc Choc," Sloane said and stood slowly, but very nearly collapsed. "Woah woah woah!" Doctor Chocolate shouted, "Where do you think, you're going Missy? You just recovered from being dead, you're not getting out of bed until I say you can." Sloane sighed and said, "Any idea of when that will be? I've got a goddamn praying mantis man to capture and a universe to save." "Right after the time jump that happens when we return from commercial break," Doctor Chocolate replied. Commercial BreakThe Space Car bounced about as if the surface of the planet was made entirely out of inflatable bouncy castles. As the space car bounced up into the air, Sloane pulled hard on the steering wheel causing the space car to cartwheel through the air. "Sick 1080° brah," Ashley said as the space car slammed back down to the ground, "It's totally weird to be in here again isn't it? I mean, the last time we were here we totally died and shit." "I didn't actually die in this space car," Tali said, "I was just in a coma for a couple days, but yes, it is kind of weird to be riding around in here." The space car continued bounding across the dull brown landscape when suddenly and quite without warning a blast of laser blast blasted by the space car. Visions of burning to death in a space car filled Sloane's mind as another blast blasted closer to the trundling space car. She turned the steering wheel back and forth wildly trying to evade the laser blasts blasting all up in her area. As the space car flipped and rolled across the brown planetary terrain, Ashley unleashed a blast of return laser blast, blasting the shit out of an AT-ST clomping about off in the distance. It totally exploded and shit. "Nice shooting Ashley!" Sloane exclaimed as she floored the space car towards a pile of cybermen uzi specialists off in the distance blasting space uzis at the space car. The space car barreled forward as uzi specialists fired uzis and another AT-ST clomped toward them. Sloane floored in, sending the space car slamming into the uzi specialists. In the distance the AT-ST's laser cannon began to glow. Sloane cursed under he breath and threw the space car into reverse, rolling over the dying uzi specialists and she sped backwards away from the mighty cannon blast. One hit from that and they'd surely be dead again. The space car bounced and shook as it hurtled backwards across the uneven brown terrain, but Ashley had nerves of steel or possible access to the force, for she pulled the trigger on the space car's laser blaster and sent a blast screaming towards the AT-ST, striking it right in the fuel intake valve. A massive explosion ripped the AT-ST asunder sending robochunks all over the goddamn place. "Cybermen on the surface...there must be something important here," Sloane said as the dust cleared, "We gotta be on our toes." The space car rolled across the weird, alien landscape, encountering a few more heaps of Cybermen bazooka joes and uzi specialists that were either put on blast by Ashley or totally run over by Sloane in the space car. After what seemed like an eternity they came to a narrow pass. Try as she might, Sloane could not get the space car through the pass and to make matters even worse the Dragon Radar was totally jammed up. With a sigh she said, "I guess we're walking." JAMMED!!!!The trio readied their guns and hopped out of the space car and began to walk across the horrible brown landscape. "Be careful where you step," Sloane offered, "some of these brown patches will probably kill us dead. Remember how badly they fucked up the Space Car before we died last time? I'd hate to find out what would happen if we accidentally stepped in one of them." Tali and Ashley both nodded in agreement, but before they could take a single step, shots rang out. "Yo! They shootin' at me!" Ashley screamed. She dove behind the space car and readied her laser assault rifle. "Yo Ashley...Tali...check out what I can do," Sloane said as the space bullets whizzed by. She wiggled her fingers and said, "Ala peanut butter and jelly sandwiches," and a space magic force field appeared. Ashley gave her a thumbs up and said, "Nice," before popping up from behind the space car and ruining the cybermen gunrunners' shit forever. They were all smoking chunks and wires and shit when Ashley was finished with them. "AW YE YE! BAG 'EM AND TAG 'EM!" Ashley shouted triumphantly. "Guys, with all these cybermangs lurking about there's gotta be something dickfuckin' awesome nearby," Sloane said, "Let's get guns and go check it out what's going on up this hill." And so up the hill the three women went: the space lesbian, the space racist, and the space Arabian. Three vastly different women brought together by a shared common goal of finding out what the fuck was going on atop the hill which stood before them. The brown patches of the weirdly alien landscape crunched beneath their space boots as the scaled the brownish heap of space rocks. Onward and upward they traveled. It was a metaphor as their struggle as women to find acceptance in a yet male dominated society and then an airplane flew overhead dropping a giant robot on them...just like society trying to keep women down. Sloane dove for cover behind a conveniently located space crate as the giant robot unleashed a giant last blast that struck Tali and caused the space Arabian to crumble to a pig's stick house under a wolf's huffing and puffing. That didn't bode well for her own chances of survival. Sloane took a deep breath and said the magic words, "Ala peanut butter and jelly sandwiches," summoning a space magic force field that surrounded her and Ashley. The space racist nodded approvingly and leaped out to blast the ever loving shit out of the cyberman froggers and cyberman uzi specialists that were uziing it up and froggering all over the place, but a second later a giant blast from the giant robot's giant laser slammed into Ashley and she too collapsed in a heap of being knocked the fuck out at the very least, but more likely totally dead. "Oh fuck. Oh fuck. Oh fuck," Sloane muttered as a giant blast exploded against the space crate. She waited a moment for the residual electro-poppin' from the laser blast to subside, and then steeling herself, Sloane stepped out from behind the crate and fired two shots. "BOOYAH! BOOYAH!" went the shotgun as two poisoned bullets sped across the brown landscape, striking the giant robot in its robocrotch. The giant robot let out a giant scream and then exploded into 10,382.932 pieces. Sloane could not believe she'd done it, but her joy was short lived. Her crew members were probably dead. She rushed over to Tali and knelled down beside her. What could she even do? Qunari immune systems were royal fucked, so if Sloane rolled up Tali's sleeve to apply some medi-goop or took off her space gas mask to give her mouth to mouth she'd probably die anyway. As Sloane racked her brain for a solution Tali coughed and said, "Hey Shepard. What's up?" as she sat up slowly. "Tali! You're alive!" The Qunari nodded, "I was lucky. That laser seemed to just be a stun beam...but thank you for your concern Shepard. You are one of the best." Nearby a similarly stunned Ashley also sat up and sacastically and racistly muttered to herself, "Oh yeah...one of the best...lousy Shepard checks the gasmasker before she checks on one of her own..." The three women regrouped and looked around there surroundings. Sloane quickly realized that they were in an Ancient Alien ruins and moreover there was an open door leading down deeper into the ruins. "Guys that must be where the underground anomaly Joker was yapping about while the space car fell onto the planet is," Sloane said as the dramatic music built to a crescendo and the camera cut to a close up of her face. Commercial Break Down the shaft the elevator went clacking. It was an old elevator and Sloane hoped it held long enough to make it down to the bottom of the shaft. After 23 days the elevator rumbled to a stop. Almost instantly laser blasts exploded all around them. Sloane popped off two shots from her shotgun, wrecking house on a cyberman who was unfortunately one day away from retirement. He wasn't going to make it. A moment later all the cybermen were cyberdead and Sloane's crew sallied forth to inspect the ruins. "Halp. Please halp," a disinterested voice came wafting from somewhere deeper in the ruins. "Someone needs help," Sloane said, "We should help them maybe." Tali and Ashley agreed that helping whoever it was that needed help was a good idea and so the women progressed deeper into the space dungeon to see what they could see. What they saw was a blue woman trapped behind some kind of space magic force field. "Were you just yelling, 'Halp. Halp?'" Sloane asked. The blue woman affecting a look of disinterest replied, "Well...yelling is a rather strong turn of phrase is it not, but to answer the question I believe you were attempting to ask; yes, I do require assistance. I was here in these ruins, the same ruins in which we currently find ourselves now, when the cybermen arrived I hid myself in here. Unfortunately I quite accidentally activated this magical force field and now find myself trapped." "Wait a second...you are doing archaeology, and you're one of those blue ladies...are you Boob Witch's daughter?" Sloane asked suddenly remembering the reason they'd actually landed on this godforsaken brown patch of a planet. "Yes, my name is Doctor T-Shawna and the Matriarch is my mother," replied the trapped blue lady. "Word. Alright. We're going to save you because we need to ask you some questions about your mom, and it's hard to do an interrogation down in some ruins," Sloane replied, "Hang tight Dr. T, we'll have you out of there in two shakes of a puppy dog's tail." Doctor T-Shawna appeared confused and replied, "I must admit I find Earthly humor rather perplexing, but I thank you for your offer of assistance nonetheless. I beg you to be cautious though, the cybermen appeared to have a Krogan bounty hunter with them. I am certain you are aware of how violent the Krogan can be." Sloane just shrugged and mumbled, "Whateves. We'll be back in a second." Sloane and her crew headed down into the ruins and were instantly ambushed by more cybermen. Sloane had had just about enough of their shit and blasted the shit out of their shit with her shotgun and then looked around. "Aw ye ye...this is some kind of excavation site. This mining laser should be able to get us into that force field room," Sloane exclaimed as she caught sight of a mining laser pointed right at the back wall of the room she needed to get into. She wondered if the cybermen she'd wrecked house on were attempting to do the same thing. She shrugged and powered up the laser and blasted a wall. "AW YE YE!" Ashley exclaimed as the wall exploded in a heap of rocks and rubble and after the dust cleared the three women slipped through the tumbled down wall and found themselves face to face with Doctor T-Shawna. "Doctor T, consider yourself rescued," Sloane said. The floor suddenly shook violently. "Shit, that doesn't seem good," Sloane exclaimed. "What did you do to get in here?" Doctor T asked in a most comatose manner. "Shot a mining laser at the wall," Sloane said shrugging her shoulders. "Uh oh. These ruins are rather unstable. We should probably hasten out of here," Doctor T replied, sounding utterly bored. "Fuck," Sloane muttered and then got on her cellphone and dialed Joker, "Yo Joker we done goofed down here. We need an evac pronto." "You got it boss. ETA 8 minutes...hang tight alright?" Joker's melodic voice squawked over the intercom. Eight minutes until Joker arrived. Who knew how long the ruins would hold. Sloane and her companions hauled ass to an elevator and jumped into it, but before they could activate it a Krogan and a heap of cybermen showed up and started jawing. "I got paid big money to bring this BITCH in..." the Krogan grumbled, his voice sounding like a hung over Macho Man Randy Savage, as he pointed at Doctor T, "So hand her over and you ladies can fuck off for all I care. I got no beef with you." "No. You can't have her, anyway this entire building is about to collapse so if you want to live you might want to get out of here," Sloane replied. The Krogan laughed, a disgusting guttural laugh that sounded like cement slabs, and drew his laser gun and shouted, "KILL 'EM ALL!!!" Time seemed to slow down as Sloane drew her own gun and took aim, blasting a cyberman right in his cybercock. The robot flew backwards and smashed into a wall. A blast streaked by her head as Sloane ducked and mumbled "Ala peanut butter and jelly sandwiches," and a barrier sprung up around her. She took aim at the Krogan firing a single poisoned bullet at the King Koopa lookalike, hitting him squarely in the crotch region, but the Krogan just chuckled, and tapped his crotch with the barrel of his gun before smirking and saying, "Bulletproof codpiece." Sloane smirked and pullet the trigger of her gun. "BOOYAH!" went the shotgun as a bullet screamed forward piercing the Krogan in the head. "Too bad you didn't have bulletproof sunglasses asshole," she said with a smirk and then she turned to her posse and screamed, "THIS WHOLE PLACE IS COMING DOWN! C'MON!" The elevator groaned upward as beneath them the lower levels of the ruins collapsed in a most Michael Bayian fashion. At the top the doors creaked open and Sloane and her companions leapt out into the open airlock door of the Normandy. As the ship rose into the air, the ruins collapsed into a heap of rumble and dust, but that didn't matter. They'd saved Doctor T-Shawna, Matriarch Boob Witch's daughter. Finally they'd get some answers about plot!
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oppy all along
TI Forumite
Who's been messing up everything? It was oppy all along
Posts: 2,767
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Post by oppy all along on May 30, 2016 16:24:56 GMT -5
Yay! I hope the game gets smoother from here.
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Trurl
Shoutbox Elitist
Posts: 7,484
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Post by Trurl on May 30, 2016 18:38:25 GMT -5
Viking is back and all is right with the world
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Post by rimjobflashmob on May 30, 2016 19:15:37 GMT -5
BEST MEMORIAL DAY EVER
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Post by Nudeviking on May 30, 2016 20:10:02 GMT -5
Yay! I hope the game gets smoother from here. It more or less has. I turned the difficulty down to space wimp at least until I have a better grasp of the mechanics involved, and the space car is slightly less annoying on other planets that don't have the random instant-death brown patches. To be honest, hauling ass across some barren mountainous planet and doing jumps and shit in the space car is kind of fun. My only complaint now, I suppose, is that I don't really like any of the companions that much. Tali's pretty good and Ashley and Wrex are both okay, but the rest are annoying or boring or gross to look at. Coming at this game after Dragon Age: Inquisition where picking a party was hard because "They're all* so good," makes this party dynamic weird. I mean I had characters I hated in DAO and DA2 ("Brodude" and Aveline respectively) but those characters were at least fun to hate, especially Aveline because of the rivalry dynamic, Kaidan? He's just boring. Doctor T'Shawni? Also boring. Garados? Boring and clacking mandibles. But I digress. I'll finish this game after all, but I hope that future installments have way better companions than this one. * "All" does not include Solas who is absolutely the worst of the worst. Fuck that guy forever.
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Post by rimjobflashmob on May 30, 2016 21:26:48 GMT -5
You won't get my favorite companion until ME2 but the Wrex/Garrus dream team has some of the best banter of the franchise.
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Post by Nudeviking on Jun 1, 2016 2:59:29 GMT -5
Mass Effect - S01E08 - Hostage Crisis!
The hologram of the Councilors back in the Citadel flickered a moment before the Terrarium finally spoke. "We received your mission report and are, quite frankly, more than a little disappointed. An entire Ancient Alien ruin utterly destroyed due to your rash actions! Who knows what untold knowledge has been forever lost because you decided to shoot a mining laser at a load bearing wall," the Terrarium clicked disappointedly, "And what's more you have taken Matriarch Boob Witch's daughter on to your ship! Are you mad?! Who knows where her alliances truly lie?" "It's true that Doctor T is annoying as fuck, yes, but I don't think she's working for Seville or her mother. She's claimed to have not spoke with her mother in years and I, for one, am inclined to believe her. That being said, she does know a shit ton about Ancient Aliens so she might be a valuable asset in the weeks to come," Sloane said. The Terrarium counselor scowled and harrumphed disgruntledly, "Be that as it may, just know that we are watching you Shepard and you are already skating on thin ice!" "I thought Spectres were above the law and could do whatever they feel like," Sloane replied sarcastically, "Anyway I've got a war criminal to track down so unless you've got anything else to say I'm out." The horn alien cleared his throat and said, "There is one other thing, a member of space parliament was kidnapped by bionic terrorists. They're holding him hostage on a freighter near your current location. We need you to take care of this situation." Sloane sighed and rolled her eyes before she sarcastically said, "I'll add it to my to do list." The horn alien clapped his hands and said, "Wonderful! I've already taken the liberty of sending the coordinates to your chief navigator." Before Sloane had a chance to say anything else, the Terrarium councilor scowled and spat, "That will be all Shepard. End transmission!" The holograms instantaneously faded from sight and Sloane found herself, once again, alone in the communication room. She wondered if Spectres could get away with punching a councilor in the face. Commercial Break"Captain's log Stardate October 22, 3403. We have received reports of a group of bionic terrorists who have kidnapped a member of Parliament and are holding him hostage on a ship in the Farfisa System, the MSV Ontario. The Normandy, being the closest Alliance vessel to the Farfisa System has been tasked with putting an end to this hostage crisis," Sloane clicked off her data recorder and leaned back in her commander's chair as the ship came out of mass effect drive. This was not going to be an easy mission to deal with as she, herself, was a bionic. Her own abilities were rather limited, but she understood a lot of the hardships bionics faced. Perhaps if she hadn't joined the Space Marines she could have just as easily become a bionic terrorist like those on the MSV Ontario. The Normandy came out of mass effect and from her position, Sloane saw the MSV Ontario in the distance. It was a barge, so approaching the ship for boarding would not prove to be a problem, but once inside? She stood and hoisted her shotgun. Sloane hoped that she wouldn't need to use it, but if push came to shove, suckers were going to get smote. The Normandy flew closer to the looming barge and Sloane prepared to board the vessel. It had been decided that she, Ashley, and Tali would be in the boarding party since the three of them were the best suited to wreck house on sucka MCs if it came down to a gun battle. As Sloane headed toward the airlock, Ashley fell in next to her, her laser assault rifle at the ready. "You think we'll get to merc any bionics?" she asked, "They're nearly as bad as the aliens." Sloane turned towards the gunnery sergeant and frowned. "You know I'm a bionic right? I mean you saw me do space magic like three days ago didn't you?" "Oh shit for reals? I thought that was just a feature of that weird transparent orange Power Glove thing you wear," she said, "I didn't know that was magic. Oh man...I feel like such an asshole now. Fuck! Can I get a do over? Like we just pretend this conversation never happened?" Space Magic!"I suppose so," Sloane replied, "We've got more important things to deal with anyway, namely saving some politician guy from certain doom aboard a freighter with a bunch of angry bionics. Just...I dunno, think before you say really offensive things next time, alright?" "Yes ma'am." Tali was already waiting in the airlock, her pistol drawn and a shotgun slung over her shoulder. "Hey Shepard...what's up?" she asked, "They told me to get my guns and meet you here." "Rescue mission. Bionic terrorists have a member of parliament and are holding him hostage. We go in and save the parliament member," Sloane said. There was a slight vibration in the floor as the Normandy forcibly docked on the Ontario and the sound of metal grinding as they forced the Ontario's airlock open. None knew what lie in wait behind the door and the tension was palpable. After a few seconds or maybe centuries, Tali cast a nervous glance at Sloane and in a meek voice asked, "Are we bad enough dudes to save the parliament member?" "I hope so Tali. God I hope so." Commercial BreakSloane crouched like a tiger behind an overlarge space crate in the cargo hold of the Ontario, her shotgun clenched tight in her hand. She peered around the corner but saw nothing. Since boarding the Ontario she had seen neither hide nor hair of the bionic terrorist that were apparently aboard the ship. A thought came to her: perhaps they had evacuated the ship on a smaller craft. If that were indeed the case the possibility of ever finding Parliamentarian Brown alive again was slim to none. An unfamiliar voice suddenly called out, "Abra, abra cadabra! I WANNA REACH OUT AND GRAB YA!" and an invisible hand quite suddenly grabbed hold of Sloane and threw her bodily across the cargo hold before it dictated market prices via supply and demand. So much for the terrorists escaping on a smaller space ship. Sloane found herself unable to move, held in the invisible hand's grasp as the sounds of battle raged all around her. From her position she heard Ashley's space machine spit hot laser fire all over the cargo hold as she shouted, "AW YE YE! BAG 'EM AND TAG 'EM!!" Tali's voice came over the helmet's communication system telling Ashley that Sloane was down and needed help, but Ashley didn't seem too concerned and continued to shoot laser guns at the bionic terrorists lurking in the cargo hold. Sloane swore to herself that if she got out of this entire thing alive, Ashley was getting benched on the next mission. The invisible hand suddenly released Sloane from its grasp and she leaped to her feet, her shotgun ready to to blast some suckers. A sucker soon appeared as a bionic, glowing blue with bionics, rounded the corner and stood before her, but before the bionic had the chance to utter even a single space magic word, Sloane's shotgun hollered, "BOOYAH!" blasting the sucker's head clean off his shoulders, but Sloane did not pause, even for a moment, instead wheeling around and catching sight of another bionic rushing towards her. Again, Sloane took aim and pulled the trigger. "BOOYAH!" screamed the shotgun as the laser bullet rushed forward, catching the bionic in the jolly sack. "Ouch my balls!" the bionic screamed and then died. Sloane realized that the sounds of battle had died down and an eerie silence filled the cargo hold, but before Sloane and her crewmates could celebrate their great victory, the intercom speakers in the cargo hold assailed them with a blast of feedback before a voice intoned, "Maybe you bested those goons in the hold, but you'll never make it here in time. In three minutes we're killing this fool!" "We haven't a moment to lose!" Sloane exclaimed, "Let's haul ass ladies!" She and her posse busted out of the cargo hold and into a hallway. Sloane glanced at her Dragon Radar and located the blip that represented Parliamentarian Brown. "This way!" she said and headed down a corridor in the direction of the blip on the radar. A moment later she found herself in a barracks. The parliamentarian was kneeling before an angry looking bionic that was holding a laser gun the the parliamentarian's head. "Not another step or this guy get it!" the angry bionic growled. "Dude this isn't the way," Sloane said, "Let the parliamentarian go." "Let him go?" the bionic scoffed, "Did you know this asshole voted no on Space Prop 392.1 which would have paid reparations to L2s who couldn't work because of the shit being a bionic did to them...things the government allowed to happen?" The parliamentarian seemed to be on the verge of tears as he said, "I had no idea how bad it was for all y'all until after you kidnapped me. I promise if you let me go I will spend my remaining time in parliament working to make sure you and your people are taken care of." "You had your chance mang!" the bionic said and pushed the barrel of the gun up against Parliamentarian Brown's temple. "C'mon man, this isn't going to help anything. You think some other politician is going to go to bat for bionic's rights after you waste one of them? Brown said he'd work to protect our rights...he's all we've got right now." "'Our rights.' Listen to this chick!" the bionic exclaimed. His companions laughed. Sloane sighed and said, "Listen asshole, I'm a bionic too alright." She then said the space magic words, "Ala peanut butter and jelly sandwiches," and summoned a space magic barrier that surrounded her. "If you let him go, I'll make sure he keeps his word alright. I'm a spectre and not even a parliamentarian can tell me what to do." The bionic nodded and the lowered his gun. "Alright...you're right I guess. Killing him isn't going to fix shit. Sorry for kidnapping you and putting a gun to your head mang." "It's alright," Parliamentarian Brown said and then turning towards Sloane asked, "So what now?" Sloane shrugged and then took out her cellphone and called Joker. "Hey man can you contact the fleet and have them send a frigate out here to pick up some prisoners and the Parliamentarian?" "You got it boss," came Joker's reply. "Alright. So...um...a frigate's on route, don't kill each other or anything okay?" Sloane said, "I'm outta here." And with that Sloane and her companions made their way off the Ontario and back onto the Normandy and as the ship flew off to further adventure, Sloane nodded to herself approvingly and said, "Mission accomplished."
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