Pizza Poll!

I'm guessing it's more of a dessert tart thing. I wouldn't buy it for myself, but if I had kids and they asked for it, I'd try a small piece.

Hodor?
I barely knowed 'or!

So this Dr. Oetker's brand - I keep seeing it but have never had it. Is it some kind of health issue/healthy something pizza? (the "Dr." name and something about the packaging seems like "gluten free/dairy free/if you're not allowed to eat anything, you can eat this" pizza) Is it some kind of vaguely fancy pizza? Is it just another brand, just with an unusual name?

Hmmm. So exactly as quality as it looks, minus the "health" aspect, huh? Thanks for saving me the money. Curiosity abated!

. . . and ye shall be an execration, and an astonishment, and a curse, and a reproach.

So I happened to come by the store again. I could not buy and eat it yet because stupid logistics, still in the process of getting my kitchen/apartment back but this is happening soon, no worries.
However there was no way to determine what kind of dough it is from the ingredients list, it does say on the pack: Sweet pizza with chocolate toppings.
I'm not looking forward to this

Oh well the oven is pre-heating and it's out of the package, there's no turning back now:




If you don't hear from me again, tell my wife: "Hello"

I think I'll start using "Sweet Pizza with Chocolate Topping!" as a non-swear.

So after taking the "pizza" out of the oven after the recommended time it looked like this:


Yup, looks right like a dark beer and chili con carne shit.

Right out of the oven, it was also expelling air bubbles which made a most disgusting sound.
The first disappointment was before I even tried it, there was a lack of smell. I had this thing in the oven for 10 minutes and I expected the kitchen to fill with some nice chocolate smell at least. But nope, there was a just faint hint of chocolate when I put my nose very close to it.

So, already underwhelmed I took the first bite. I expected everything from absolutely terrible to surprisingly good but what I got was a big old nothing. In a blind test I'm sure I wouldn't even have said it was chocolate, the only taste was "a little sweet".
One problem is the dough. Saying it would taste like cardboard would be an insult to cardboard because cardboard has little but distinctive taste (don't ask). One would think they'd just use less salt and increase the sugar but it seems they just omitted both altogether.

My next move was Trumpian, in that I scraped the chocolate toppings from the "pizza". Without the dough it didn't get better but at least I got a little chocolate taste, just not in a good way. There is no way to differentiate between the dark, white and milk chocolate. The best way to describe it would be "bland Nutella rip-off".
At that point I had mostly given up on life and chocolate pizza but for the final verdict I took another bite after it cooled completely. To my surprise that made it a tad better, to something I'd grudgingly eat instead of a piece of bread with Nutella.

In the end, if you want to eat something that looks like a beer shit, smells and tastes like nothing when hot and like the worst Nutella bread when cooled this may be exactly the product for you.


Stray Observation: I get it's a line of "Italian" pizzas so giving them Italian names is ok but putting "Nuova" instead of "Neu" on the package annoys me to no end.

There is a pizza place near my house which does a gourmet dessert pizza which features chocolate. It is amazing.

I, however, don't doubt that frozen chocolate pizzas are an abomination before the Lord and should be smited. Smote. Smitten.

Growing up this brand was marketed as "ohh European and fancy" though I'm sure it's just Stouffers European Union equivalent. As I recall their chocolate mousse mix was good though