“Path of Totality”

Disclaimer: Most of these events exist only in my warped imagination, and those that are real probably won’t be anything like I imagine them.



    The entire world is going batshit crazy over the impending Total Solar Eclipse, and Southern Illinois is the place to see it. NASA has chosen Southern Illinois University’s football stadium at Carbondale as their base of operations for this spectacular event, and estimations of visitors to the area that day range from 50,000 to 100,000.

    All this excitement has local authorities pretty much declaring a state of emergency, expecting mass chaos, impassable traffic jams, children going blind and/or feral, the weak willed becoming insane, possible demonic possessions, and Canadians bursting into flame. As a precaution, they are advising the population to:

    “Stock up on food and water. Try to stay off the roads for five days. Make sure you’ve got plenty of your medication. Top off your vehicle’s gas tank. Have a family communication plan in case cell phone service is overloaded, to check on the elderly and their needs and to watch pets and kids who might be agitated by the eclipse. And whatever you do, don’t look in the sky without approved safety glasses. You’ll go blind.”



    Nevertheless, the total solar eclipse of 2017 is going to be full of fun events around southern Illinois, with something of interest for everyone.



    Marion Illinois will be hosting the “King of Pork” memorial BBQ cookoff at the site of the former Ken Gray Museum in the deserted mall near the interstate. Lots of good eatin’ there, folks!



    Great entertainment abounds!



    Ozzie Osbourne will sing “Barking at the Moon” during the eclipse at a winery in Carterville, despite some concern that his presence will cause darkness to settle over the earth forever.



    Attempts to sign Simon and Garfunkle to sing “Song about the Moon” in Simon’s hometown of Mikanda fell through when it was learned that it was Paul Simon the former senator who was from Mikanda, not Paul Simon the singer, and also that Simon and Garfunkel are no longer touring together.



    Attempts to sign Paul Simon the former senator to sing “Song for the Moon” in his hometown of Mikanda also fell through when it was learned he has been dead for several years.



    Hall and Oats “They only come out at night (or during a Total Solar Eclipse)” tour was approached, but was unfortunately unavailable to play the area during the eclipse due to scheduling conflicts.



    We are pleased to announce that Garfunkel and Oats, however, have been contracted to sing their hit, “Savin’ Myself for Jesus” at the top of Bald Knob mountain. When asked if they felt the song would have special significance at the site of the huge cross there, the talented duo looked at each other and said “What cross?”

    I have been assured that the rumors of various cults gathering to perform human sacrifice at the top of the mountain when all light disappears and Hell opens up, are grossly exaggerated.

It should be a thrilling event, in any case.



    Music isn’t the only entertainment scheduled. Speaking of mountains, the Ozark Mountains chapter of the Missouri Flat Earthers will square off against the Indiana Hollow Earth Society, and the Southern Illinois Skeptics, in a charity mini-Olympics at the Carbondale campus of SIU, featuring round-robin tournaments including Frisbee Golf, Mud Volleyball, Synchronized Swimming, and Extreme Debate.



    Devil’s Kitchen Lake will be the site of a bass fishing tournament and a lure, jig, spinner and fly exhibition sponsored by the Master Baiters of Williamson County.



    The weekend preceding the eclipse will see the first SIU Comic-Con, along with the annual WSIU Irv Koppi Film Festival, so expect lots of hungover, sweaty, hungry, miserable cosplayers, who weren’t to leave the area due to the impassibly crowded highways, to still be wandering around, adding color and whimsy to the events.



    While at SIU, be sure to check out the Buckminster Fuller designed Geodesic Dome Doomsday Bunker, located near the site of the original Old Main, before they burned it down.



    Other area towns are getting in on the fun, too!



    Benton Illinois will be hosting it’s first ever “Being John Malkovich” day, honoring the town’s favorite son. Be sure to bring plenty of water for this event. Those masks can get very hot!



    The Gathering of the Juggalos is returning to Cave-In-Rock for this special event, because, of course they are.



    The great literary figures of southern Illinois will be well represented.



    Metropolis Illinois has rescheduled it’s annual “Batman Sucks” days to coincide with the eclipse this year.



    Chester, Illinois, home to both beloved comic strip character Popeye, and the Illinois Asylum for the Incurably Criminally Insane invites everyone to it’s “Little Arkham Appreciation Days and Spinach Festival”



    Whatever your interest, be it astronomy, food, music, sports, or the Apocalypse, Southern Illinois is the place to be August 21st, for the Great Total Solar Eclipse of 2017!






Edit: This is a post from my rarely updated blog
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