Bourdain died.

It's just awful. I am gutted by this news. I said this at TOC but I don't think there's been anyone who's had a bigger impact on the American food scene in the past two decades than Anthony Bourdain. Just a horrible, horrible loss.

I feel terrible about this, not sure why, I was always just so fond of him and he made some great food television that was smarter than the usual Food Network type of stuff. I feel terrible for Ripert who seems like a great guy too. Not to mention his daughter, and (I assume she was still with him?), Asia Argento.

My parents greeted me with this news the moment I stumbled out of my bedroom this morning, before I'd even gotten my coffee and sat down.

I'm heartbroken. Not just for myself, and not because he won't be putting out any more shows or books or essays, but for the people who loved him and cared about him. I saw him and Eric Ripert both give a talk at the Hippodrome in Baltimore back in 2009 or 2010, with my best friend - who texted me about five minutes after my parents told me the news. It was one of the most delightful live events I've ever attended, full of energy and humor.

I first picked up Kitchen Confidential about 6 weeks into my first semester at culinary school. Our college library had a copy, and I remember reading it on the balcony of the Barnes and Noble with a cup of coffee, the Inner Harbor breeze ruffling the pages every so often. It profoundly influenced my attitude about cooking, both professionally and at home, in ways I can't even begin to describe. I followed his later work almost religiously, and although I didn't always agree with every single one of his opinions, Bourdain's words taught me so much about how to approach travel, and how to treat people who welcome you into their homes and lives. His effect on me will last until the day I die. And I hope when I meet him in the afterlife, I can tell him that myself.

I don't even remember when I read Kitchen Confidential for the first time, but I remember it having an effect on my cooking and definitely my perception of restaurants. (It made me not want to work at one, that's for sure -- I still kinda want to go to culinary school, but that's almost more for more letters after my name.)
I was lucky enough to meet Tony last year -- he was doing a lottery-based signing at NY Comic Con. (He had recently ventured into writing for comics, too, not just really awesome memoirs.)
We never know what demons others carry inside. I feel for his friends and loved ones, and for everyone affected by his death. He seemed like a decent human, and there aren't enough of those in the world.

That Sichuan episode where he tries to murder Ripert with hot taste is so good. They are perfect together. At one point, over hotpot, Ripert says 'Look at him! He is the Devil!'

Fuck it, I'm watching a lot of Bourdain this weekend. I just watched West Virginia, and next up is Pittsburgh. Oh and I also illegally downloaded the first season of No Reservations, because he would have wanted me to.

/photo/1?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw&ref_url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.esquire.com%2Ffood-drink%2Fa21247741%2Fobama-bourdain-vietnam-restaurant-glass%2F

And now the conspiracy theories about his death ("He was just about to uncover an elite pedophile ring!") have begun. Fanned in part by Alex Jones.

Why is it so much easier for some people to wrap their heads around elaborate, far-fetched conspiracy theories than to understand that this was a man who publicly and often talked about his struggles with addiction and mental illness, and they were likely the contributing factor in his death?

Because if it were just something like depression, it could happen to them too?

Just listened to his interview with Marc Maron on WTF back in 2011. All the usual hallmarks Bourdain interview, and quite enjoyable. One moment in particular stuck out a bit and made me pause, they were talking about quitting smoking and Tony mentioned he did so with the help of a pharmaceutical product called Champix. He then mentioned on a side note that was despite it's side effects, including suicidal thoughts. It was just a quick aside, but instantly had me wondering if he'd relapsed into smoking again and was again trying to quit. That would be pretty brutal irony I think.

I should say he also said he'd used it several times when he'd go back to smoking again, (sound like the "quitting" never quite stuck) so it sounds like he'd either been prescribed more than once or was getting it from various doctors. Of course all just idle speculation and yes sometimes there is no reason, much as we want there to be.

Because if there's a secret to figure out, it gives them the chance to feel smart and powerful, instead of feeling impotent the way they usually do.

I honestly haven't even been able to process until now. I read Kitchen Confidential maybe 12 years back. It was a light read after I left my graduate program and I was in a really bad state. For me, it was a light read that brought me back to the summer before college where I worked at a greasy spoon in Pioneer Square and I was impressed by how he didn't hide both the high and low points of life in the restaurant industry. I actually read the book after catching him on an episode or two of "No Reservations." At the time, I had no idea who he was or how he landed a tv show where he spent all of his time traveling. I gravitated more toward his writing than his television work.

I found out the news about him on a train to Venice, where I was thinking up until picking up my phone, "I'm living the Bourdain life now!" I'm not going to pretend I was a mega-fan of the guy, but his views on food and traveling informed much of my own approach to life. For me, he was like an Uncle who lived far away and you rarely met, but who gave you really insightful advice on the occasions when you did. I am having a genuinely hard time thinking of a media figure or writer who even comes close to the effect Bourdain had on me.