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Post by Nudeviking on Jun 21, 2019 21:55:12 GMT -5
Can I also just say that this is possibly the funniest thing I have ever read. I have found the clip, and, sadly, the guitar does not actually burst into flames: In the real version it burst into flames. They had to take it out in the early 90s after a kid set his trailer on fire trying to replicate what he saw on a $6,000,000 Man rerun. |
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Post by Nudeviking on Jun 24, 2019 0:23:14 GMT -5
Star Trek: The Next Generation - S01E09 - The Battle After a most welcomed fuck-fest in the last episode I am feeling most refreshed and ready to continue my exceedingly scientific research. Today we will be examining the 9th episode of season 1, The Battle, which debuted on November 16, 1987. Preexisting PrejudicesI've no memory of this episode, but the brief plot synopsis for it mentions Ferengi which does not instill in me a great deal of confidence. The Ferengi, particular the Ferengi circa season 1 of Star Trek: The Next Generation, are routinely awful, so I'm not looking forward to this episode. Plot SynopsisPicard narrates about the plot hook for this episode. The Enterprise has arrived at some random star system to rendezvous with a Ferengi ship that requested a meeting. Picard, via voice-over, informs us that they arrived and hailed the vessel three days ago but since then have only received, "Stand by Enterprise." The actual episode begins with Dr. Beverly Crusher visiting Picard in his lair. He tells her that he's feeling rundown and has a wicked bad headache and Dr. Beverly Crusher is like, "A WHAT?!" That's right kids in The Next Generation, headaches are like measles before Jenny McCarthy started flapping her gums about science. Dr. Beverly Crusher gives Picard a quick medical scan but can't find anything wrong with him and orders him to go to sickbay for additional tests because she is the only person on the ship that can order Picard around or something. Before Picard can go to the sickbay though he gets word that the Ferengi vessel has finally hailed the Enterprise. Picard tells Dr. Beverly Crusher that the sickbay will have to wait and returns to to the bridge. On the bridge they bring up the Ferengi leader, a dude named Daimon Bok. I think the last Ferengi leader who showed up was also named Daimon so I guess that's a title or something since he looks different and in plot it's not even an incident of a part being recast since Picard has no idea who the dude is though the Ferengi Daimon seems to recognize him. Daimon wants to meet Picard in person on either the Enterprise or the Ferengi ship. They mute the phone and Troi says that she senses deception and so they agree to meet each other on the Enterprise in an hour's time so the crew members will have the upper hand. After that good, good opening, Picard goes down to the sickbay to get examined by Dr. Beverly Crusher. Again she can't find anything wrong with him so she gives him a painkiller to temporarily mask the pain and sends Picard on his way. Picard then returns to the bridge where moments later, Escaped Convict Wesley Crusher shows up wearing his classic rainbow uniform for the first time and tells Geordi that in a minute the intruder alert is going to sound. The bells start to ring and Wesley explains that he was boosting the long-range sensors and detected a ship approaching. Geordi picks it up on his scanners as well and determines that it's an unidentified Constellation Class starship. Geordi hails it but it's not responding or sending out call letters. Picard scolds Escaped Convict Wesley Crusher for not following proper procedure and phoning the bridge when he discovered the ship rather than coming up to the bridge to deliver the news in person...so he could be there when the Ferengi arrived. He's sorry or something but he sucks so I don't care. The Ferengi then beam on to the Enterprise. Daimon Bok is accompanied by his first and second mates: Kazago and Rata. Bok informs Picard that the starship is under their control and is a gift to the "Hero of the Battle of Maxia." Everyone's like, "WTF is Maxia? LOL!" Data, being a dildo with internet access Asks Jeeves about The Battle of Maxia" and informs us that Bok might be referring, "to an encounter which occurred nine years ago in the Maxia Zeta star system in which an unidentified starship..." Bok takes EXTREME umbrage with this and shouts, "UNIDENTIFIED?! THAT FINE VESSEL WAS FERENGI!!!!" Data finishes his explanation by telling Picard that he destroyed the fine vessel, Ferengi or otherwise. Picard is then stricken with another headache. He orders Geordi to put the approaching ship on the TV and Picard is amazed to see that it is his old ship, the Stargazer. The Ferengi say that they found it adrift and are returning it to Picard as a gift. Bok also says that the ship's logs will be downloaded into the Enterprise's system. One of his officers begins to say, "For a price," but is cut off by Bok who shouts, "NO PRICE!" His officers are completely poleaxed by this lack of mercantilism. Back from commercials we get Picard narrating that the Ferengi have returned to their ship and have given possession of the Stargazer over to the Enterprise. In the breakroom, Picard regales the crew with what little he remembers of the "Battle of Maxia." He tells them that they'd been traveling through the system when they were suddenly fired upon by an unidentified ship. Their shields were damaged and as they were determining what to do, the mystery ship fired on them again. Picard suddenly gets weird and asks someone named Vigo to identify the ship that's attacking them. The rest of the crew are like, "Yo Cap'n you're straight tripping dude! There's no one here named Vigo." Picard's like, "Oh fuck, you're right. Vigo was a dude on the Stargazer." Picard then continues his story telling how he best the unknown spaceship using a move that has since become known as the Picard Maneuver, a move involving warp speed that made it look to the Ferengi like the Stargazer was in two different places. The Ferengi fired on the image of the Stargazer and then the real Stargazer appeared and blew them the fuck up at pointblank range. Unfortunately the Stargazer was royally fucked and the crew had to abandon ship, and were forced to drift through space in shuttles for weeks until they were picked up. Later, Yar, Data, Worf and Geordi are on the Stargazer checking for traps or something. Geordi turns the power on and once the ship gets the all clear from Yar, Picard beams aboard. He talks to the spaceship, greeting it with a, "Hello old friend," before going to his old cabin to look at the stuff he left behind when he abandoned ship some nine years earlier. Picard is rummaging through his stuff, undoubtedly looking for his old stash of space nudie mags, when he is stricken by another headache. If I had to guess the cause is probably the weird glowing red orb that's randomly stashed in his footlocker. We briefly check in with Bok over on the Ferengi vessel and see that he has another glowing red orb that he's controlling, thus confirming my theory that the weird red orb is responsible for Picard's migraines. Back on the Stargazer, Dr. Beverly Crusher sees Picard in distress and brings him back to the Enterprise and tells him that his belongings will be beamed over later. Later the Enterprise tows the Stargazer with a tractor beam. Data tells Picard that Starfleet will pick it up from them at some Starbase. Picard then goes to his lair to take a nap because his head is still reall fucked up. He falls asleep in 2 seconds because this is a TV show and begins to dream of the Battle of Maxia. Meanwhile in the office, Data plays an entry from Picard's personal log that they got off the Stargazer that contradicts the official account. On the recording, Picard says that he mistakenly identified the Ferengi ship's antenna as a weapons array and fired on them without provocation, destroying the ship completely. After the commercial break Riker shows the log to Picard who denies making it, but says he has to report it to Starfleet so it won't become a problem later. Riker believes that the recording was doctored and will look into it. Picard gets another headache and returns to his quarters, leaving Riker in charge. Riker calls the Kazago, the first officer of the Ferengi ship, and tells him it is weird that Bok gave the Stargazer back to Starfleet. Bok seems to agree but doesn't want to criticize his captain. Dr. Beverly Crusher arrives at Picard's quarters to check on him. His headache is getting worse and he tells he that he's worried about whether or not he did the right thing in Maxia. Dr. Beverly Crusher is tells him he had no choice, but Picard isn't so sure. She then gives Picard a sedative and sends him to bed. Picard falls asleep and again dreams of the battle. He finds himself aboard the Stargazer as it burns with his old crew while on the Ferengi vessel Daimon Bok fucks around with his glowing orb and laughs at Picard's misfortune. Back in the office, Data tells Riker that the metadata proves that the log was indeed a forgery. Picard comes in and is chipper as fuck. They tell him the records were faked and then Dr. Beverly Crusher walks in with scans of Picard's brain and is surprised to find him there. Picard sends everyone except Riker away. Once everyone else has fucked off he tells Riker to release the Stargazer from the tractor beam. Riker's like, "Uh why?" and Picard tells him that the inertia of the ship will allow the Stargazer to follow the Enterprise without using a tractor beam. Picard then mocks Riker for being dumb at school and Riker's like, "Okay I'll go release the Stargazer." Down in sickbay, Dr .Beverly Crusher is talking to Troi about Picard's headaches when Escaped Convict Wesley Crusher shows up and puts on his boy genius hat. "Those waveforms in Captain Picard's brain look just like the low frequency waveforms that are being transmitted from the Ferengi ship. I bet they're totally connected," he says. Troi and Dr. Beverly Crusher realizing that whatever Season 1 Wesley Crusher says is truth rush off to go tell Riker what's going on. Escaped Convict Wesley Crusher then leans up against a wall and smugly says, "You're welcome ladies." SOMEONE PLEASE KILL WESLEY CRUSHER! The ladies go and see Riker and tell him what Wesley Crusher had discovered about Picard's brain. It has been determined that something they brought back from the Stargazer must be fuckling with Picard's brain and Worf recalls a particularly heavy chest he brought back. Riker has the ship's computer check on Picard's location, a computer ability that was introduced back in episode one and has been seen since. The computer tells him that Picard's in a teleportation room so Riker sounds an alarm, but it's too late. Picard has beamed off the ship. Over on the Stargazer, Picard materializes. Daimon Bok shows up with his glowing red orb and has Picard raise the ship's shields. Picard does so, thus preventing the Enterprise from beaming him back to their ship. Bok then dumps some plot on Picard, informing him that the ship Picard blew up nine years ago was being Daimoned by his son. Bok has spent the last nine years devising a plot to get revenge on Picard and spent his life savings purchasing two glowing red orbs. He then tells Picard that he's going to get a chance to relive the battle and experience the loss that he felt nine years back. Bok leaves the orb on the Stargazer and then beams back to his ship, leaving Picard alone. Back on the Enterprise the crew has discovered the orb within Picard's quarters. The Stargazer moves away from the Enterprise and turns to attack so Riker calls Kazago back and asks where Bok is. He says that Bok is working in the lab so Riker speaks directly to him and shows him the red glowing orb. Kazago tells him it's a "thought maker," and is super illegal. Picard then calls them and is yelling for them to identify themselves. Riker realizes that he's going to use the Picard Maneuver on them and asks Data if there's any defense. Data says there isn't and Riker's like, "Then come up with one dude!" Kazago calls back and tells Riker that he doesn't want to get involved with whatever is going on between the Oomans of the Enterprise and the Stargazer, but wanted to like Riker know that Daimon Bok has been removed from command for engaging in an "unprofitable venture." Riker hangs up on him and Data tells him that he has an idea of how to defend against the Picard Maneuver. It's a lot of sci-fi words that are heavy on the sci so they made my head hurt. Basically they use a tractor beam to freeze the Stargazer before it can shoot them. It's a bad plan, but it works. Riker then gets on the horn and hails Picard over on the Stargazer. He explains to Picard that the Ferengi have been controlling his thoughts with some sort of orb. Riker tells Picard to look for a silver orb even though a normal person would describe the orb as red since that was the predominant color of the aforementioned orb. Picard finds it and then blows it up with his phaser and is sent flying be the subsequent explosion. When the smoke clears, Picard comes to and demands to know where Bok is. Riker tells him that he's been removed from command and arrested by the Ferengi for his revenge plot because there wasn't any profit in it. "In revenge, there never is," opines Picard. He then says, "Let the dead rest and the past remain the past," and beams back onto the Enterprise to end the episode. How Rikered Was Riker?Riker made minimal appearances in this episode so it was hard to get a solid read on how drunk he might have been. He conducted himself in a most professional manner throughout the adventure so if he was hammered he hid it quite well. Final ThoughtsThe premise of this episode was stupid as fuck. Bok was clearly pissed off that Picard blew up a Ferengi ship nine years early and then gave the ship that Picard used to blow up the aforementioned ship back to him as a gift and everyone on the Enterprise was completely fine with this. No one was like, "It's kind of weird that he's all fuming about the Battle of Maxim and is going to give you the ship you used in that battle as a gift. Something smells fishy." If Bok hadn't mentioned the ship being Ferengi in the opening bit and revealed that after he took Picard aboard the Stargazer at the end the episode would have worked just fine, but the way they set it up kind of ham-stringed the episode before it even began. To make matters worse this was a Ferengi heavy episode and those guys, especially in Season 1, suck all kinds of ass. Moreover, though he was only in a paltry two scenes, the two scenes that Wesley Crusher were in annoyed the fuck out of me. Add to these detriments a decided lack of fucking and you've got yourself a very bad episode. Fuck CountAnd we're back to zero... That's right boys and girls, another chaste, boring-ass episode of Star Trek. Total Fucks for Episode: 0 Total Fucks for Season: 4 Total Fucks for Series: 4
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Post by Nudeviking on Jun 26, 2019 2:00:55 GMT -5
Star Trek: The Next Generation - S01E10 - Hide and Q Fuck, another goddamn Q episode and the episode title is playing like it's a pun or something but it REALLY is not. It's times like this that I'm glad I have a singular quest to get through shitty episodes. That quest, for those of you just joining us, is to determine who on Star Trek: The Next Generation fucked the most. Preexisting PrejudicesI can't remember precisely which Q episode this is, but I never really liked Q as an antagonist. There was something about having a trickster god as a foe for a HARD SCIENCE sci-fi show that never really worked for me. I don't know. Hopefully some people fuck. Plot SynopsisToday's adventure begins, as always, with Picard dropping a Captain's Log. He talks about how Troi's not going to be in this episode because she's away on holiday before saying that after dropping her off for her vacation, the Enterprise got a call for medical assistance from a nearby mining colony that had a methane gas explosion. 504 colonist have been injured by the explosion of butt fumes. We see Dr. Beverly Crusher and a nameless grandma medic preparing to administer emergency medical relief before checking in on the bridge where Geordi tells Picard that they ship is traveling at warp 9.1 and will arrive at Planet Mining Disaster II in three hours. Suddenly some alarms go off. OH FUCK IT'S Q'S SPACE FENCE AGAIN! The Enterprise is trapped by the space fence and Q, taking the form of a floating three-headed cobra-ball appears on the bridge of the Enterprise. He tells them that the Q Force has taken an interest in humans after checking out the shit they've gotten up to in the past 9 episodes and has something they'd like to discuss with them. Picard is like, "Fine man whatever! We'll talk later! We're on an urgent mission right now!" Q tells Picard to abandon his mission and transforms into a Starfleet Admiral. Picard absolutely cannot believe that shit declaring, "You're no Starfleet admiral, Q!" Picard then tells Q that his people are "suffering and dying," but Q cares little about the 504 miners dying of fart related injuries on Planet Mining Disaster II and tells Picard to abandon his mission, declaring sardonically, "Oh, your species is always suffering and dying..." Q then says that he is going to make them an offer than they cannot refuse and will make their wildest dreams come true. We return from the opening credits to find Picard still pissed off at Q being a dick to people. Picard says he's willing to rap with Q about whatever the fuck it is that he's on about after he saves people from the fart disaster but Q's like, "Yo Riker, you seem drunker and more willing to engage in zany antics what do you think about my offer of making all your dreams come true." Riker's all smirking and shit, but sees that Picard is staring daggers at everyone and then pretends to be all serious and is like, "We don't have time for your games Q!" Q gets very excited about the idea of a game and then, like a movie serial killer is all like, "AW YE YE! LET'S PLAY A GAME!" and teleports everyone off the bridge save for Picard to a soundstage somewhere in Hollywood. There's a backdrop of a green sky with a couple suns and some Styrofoam rocks littering the landscape. Data informs them that it is an M-Class planet which means humans can survive there. It seems like this is the case of ever planet they visit on Star Trek: The Next Generation, but that's a convenience I'll leave up to actual science types to nitpick about since I'm only here to study the fucking. Anyway they find some tents and stuff that Data says are from the Napoleonic Era of European history. Q is lounging here dressed as a Napoleonic marshal. Meanwhile on the Enterprise, Picard is seemingly all alone. No one answers when he calls them and none of the automatic doors open. I hope for his sake he doesn't have to take a piss. Back on the soundstage, Q invites Riker to drink with him. They are drinking lemonade apparently which is very out of character for Riker since I don't know if hard lemonade was a thing that would have existed in 1987 and thus have been a thing that would have been in the distant future dreamed of in 1987. Riker's like, "What about my buddies?" and Q gives them some drinks as well. Worf scowls at him and pours it out and then tosses the glass away. Q mocks him saying, "'Drink not with thine enemy.' The rigid Klingon code!" He then turns back to Riker and is like, "I understand now how you defeated them..." Q then talks about the game with Riker stating that games need rules, and risks and rewards. He says the goal of the game is to stay alive and promises a great future for humanity if they win but declares that something disastrous will happen if they lose. The crew is like, "Yo, how do we know this game will be fair?" Q says that they needn't worry about that since the game is going to be completely unfair to them. Yar is then like, "YO THAT'S NOT FAIR!" and Q teleports her away somewhere. Riker gets all pissed off and is like, "Where is she, Q?" and then start to tell Q that he can shove his game up his dirty asshole if he hurt her, but Q cuts him off and tells him that she's in a "penalty box" where she will remain unharmed unless someone else is sent to the penalty box at which point she must surrender the box to the new penalized participant. They ask Q where Yar will go if that comes to pass and Q is like, "Into nothingness." He then implores them to be mindful of the rules since the fate of Lt. Yar is not solely in their hands. Back from commercials we check back in with lonely Picard who is apparently entirely alone on the Enterprise. He tries to make a Captain's Log but his tape recorder is all fucked up. Yar suddenly shows up and Picard is like, "Yo WTF is going on!" Yar somehow knows the entire gimmick about the penalty box even though she'd not been present when Q explained it to her companions. She's upset at the thought of becoming nothing and starts to cry. She's all like, "YO WTF AM I DOING?!" Picard comforts her and says, "There's a new ship's standing order: when one is in the penalty box, tears are permitted." She laughs and then the two gaze at each other like they're about to fuck but fucking Q shows up and totally cockblocks my man Picard! He's all like, "Dude you're her boss! Fucking her now, when she's upset about being in the penalty box is a bad look!" Picard is pissed off and sees Q still dress up like Napoleon and throws some shade at him over his outfit. "A MARSHAL OF FRANCE?! RIDICULOUS!" Q tells him that a job's a job and then tells Yar that her penalty is over. He then makes an entry in Picard's Captain's Log. He says that his game is a test to determine whether or not the First Officer of the Enterprise, Commander Riker, is worthy of the greatest gift a Q can offer. Picard gets pissed and makes a bet with Q that Riker will turn Q down. Picard bets his command against Q promising to fuck off forever at the end of this episode. Q then tells him that he's already lost because he's going to offer Riker something that will be impossible to refuse. Back down on the soundstage, Geordi uses V.I.S.O.R. to check out Worf as he does recon some alien forces. They are dressed like they are on the box of the game Risk but are weird space orcs or some shit. Back on the ship Picard goes to his office where Q is reading Picard's Shakespeare collection. Picard wants to know why Q always has to be a dick instead of just directly asking for whatever it is he wants. Q and Picard then quote Hamlet at each other so Patrick Stewart can show off his Shakespearean theatre acting chops for the first time of many on Star Trek: The Next Generation. This pisses off Q who hurls the book at Picard and teleports away after Picard via Shakespeare implies that one day humans will be like gods and that this scares Q. Back on the soundstage Riker, Data and Geordi are chilling out talking about how shitty muskets are as weapons. Riker tests out his phaser to make sure that Q isn't fucking with them and blows up a Styrofoam rock. Worf suddenly comes flying back causing Geordi to holler, "Incredible, Worf! You came out of nowhere!" Worf, however, downplays this. "A warrior's reaction." The space orc Risk soldier show up and quickly demonstrate that their musket are actually laser guns. They start wrecking shop on anything when Q shows up, taking the form of Data. Q explains to Riker that he now has Q-esque god powers and will be able to teleport his buddies back to the Enterprise. Riker does so and absolutely cannot believe what has happened. Back on the Enterprise the space fence has vanished and everything on the Enterprise seems to be working again. Picard asks engineering if everything is up and running again and they're like, "WTF are you talkin' about boss, nothing was ever not up and running." Yar gets on Geordi's computer and confirms that no time has passed and the Enterprise is still on the course it was before Q showed up. Picard tells her to keep going because they still have a big fart disaster to take care of. Data, Geordi and Worf suddenly return without Riker. Picard tells them that Q is weirdly interested in Riker. Back down on the soundstage, Riker is sitting on a Styrofoam rock drunkenly laughing his ass off. Q shows up and talks to Riker about the God Powers he just gave him. Riker is like, "Yo, what the fuck do you want from me?" Q tells him that before Encounter at Farpoint the Qonclave they only thought that humans were dumb savages but now they understand that humans are unique creatures in that they hate the status quo and thus are constantly evolving and thus might be stronger than the Qonclave one day and so they want a human to join them to explain how humans do it. Riker is like, "Or you're afraid of us. So why not fuck off?" Q vanishes and the crew from the Enterprise, including Picard and Wesley Crusher suddenly appears back on the soundstage. The space orcs from Risk are back again as well and headed towards the crew of the Enterprise. The Star Trekkers reach for their phasers but find that they are all unarmed. Worf is all like, "WAY OF THE WARRIOR!!!" and charges the space orcs. He wrecks shop on some of them via hand to hand combat but ultimately gets over powered and stabbed by a space orc with a bayonet. Wesley Crusher decides to attempt to use his boy genius powers to save the day and rushes to Worf's aid but gets stabbed in the back!!! THIS FUCKING RULES!!! IT RULES SO MUCH THAT I'M CHANGING THE FORM OF A STANDARD FUCK REPORT ENTRY AND INCLUDING A GIF!!!  WESLEY IS DEAD AS FUCK!!! Riker has seen enough and uses his God Powers to make a space fence to enclose the the space orc Risk soldiers. He then teleports everyone back onto the Enterprise where Worf and unfortunately Wesley Crusher as well, are returned to life. Picard can absolutely not believe this shit! After a commercial break the Enterprise is a couple minutes away from Planet Mining Disaster II. In Picard's office he has a sit down talk with Riker about Riker's new God Powers. He doesn't want Riker to use the powers. Riker promises that he won't and the Picard wonders if Riker will be strong enough to not. Down on Planet Mining Disaster II the crew find a small group of injured miners in the mine. While Dr. Beverly Crusher administers medical assistance to some of the miners, Data finds a pile of rubble that someone else is trapped inside. He and Geordi pull off a bunch of rocks and find a small girlchild. Dr. Beverly Crusher stops checking an injured adult and rushes over to check on the child but is like, "She's dead!" Everyone is like, "Yo Riker can't you use your newfound God Powers to bring this child back to life?" and Riker is like, "Nope...I made someone a goddamn shit-ass promise that I wouldn't! GRUMBLE! GRUMBLE! GRUMBLE!" Back on the Enterprise Riker goes and tells Picard that the promise he made was a bunch of bullshit and if he'd been allowed to use his god powers he could have saved a small girlchild. Riker is kind of a dick to Picard, calling him Jean-Luc hella sarcastically and then demanding that Picard arrange a staff meeting with the crew members whose names show up during the opening credits. Later the crew (and Wesley Crusher) meet on the bridge. Riker says that even though he's now basically a god, he's still the same drunk sex maniac they knew before. He's not now a monster. Picard's like, "You might think you're the same heroically intoxicated cad as before but you're not. You've become a dick who mockingly calls me 'Jean-Luc' over the last three minutes." Riker is like, "You didn't say shit when I saved Worf and Wesley so why was saving that nameless girl wrong!?" Picard is all like, "Wesley and Worf got fucked up by some imaginary shit Q summoned. That girl's death was a legit death bro!" He then attempts to convince Riker that Q does not admire humanity they are afraid of humans and have brain fuckled Riker into thinking otherwise. Q, dressed like a monk, then appears and declares, "Let us pray for understanding and for compassion." Picard, as sick of this Q character as those of us watching at home are, shouts back, "LET US DO NO SUCH DAMN THING!" Picard is fuming and asks Q why he is constantly playing dress-up and asks, "Have you no identity of your own?!" Q tells him that he forgives Picard's blasphemy. Picard does not seem amused and yells at Q some more. Q then goads Riker and says that everyone is jealous of him and what he has become. Riker asks Picard if he can give each of his friends a gift before he fucks off forever with Q to go be annoying assholes together somewhere and Picard's like, "Fine whatever you want dickbag!" Dr. Beverly Crusher, sensing that things are about to get super-weird tries to leave with Wesley, but Riker's like, "Wesley's my best buddy! I know exactly when he wants!" and then turns him into a jacked young adult. Geordi LaForge eyefucks Y.A. Wesley Crusher and is like, "Hey Wes....not bad!" in a super creepy fashion. Riker then offers to make Data a real boy, but Data turns him down immediately saying that he doesn't want to compound one illusion with another and then quotes Hamlet at Riker and says, "This above all - to thine own self be true." Riker shrugs and then turns to Geordi and is like, "I know what you want buddy!" and give Geordi working eyeballs. Geordi takes a peek at the Planet Mining Disaster II and then promptly gazes upon Yar and rawdog eyefucks her for the first time ever! He compliments her for being smoking hot because apparently in the Next Generation there is no human resources mandated sexual harassment classes. Geordi, however, quickly tells Riker that he doesn't want his eyes back this way since the price is too high and he doesn't want to thank Q for anything. Riker returns Geordi's blindness and then turns his attention to Worf. He knows that Worf is lonely as fuck and thus summons a smoking hot Klingon babe in fishnets for him. They growl at each other and then the babe tries to karate chop Yar in the dome so Worf backfists her in the face and sends her flying. They growl at each other some more and the crew yells at Worf to just fuck already. Worf shouts back, "THIS IS FUCKING AND I HAVE NO PLACE IN MY LIFE FOR IT!!!" Swole Wesley Crusher then walks over to Riker and asks to be made a boychild again since this isn't the right way to become a man. Q yells at him, "IT'S EASIER BOY!" Riker, suddenly realizing that he's been a complete moron for the past couple minutes smirks and tells Picard, "I feel like such an idiot." Picard replies, "Quite right, so you should!" and then turns his attention to Q. He pulls off Q's hood and tells him to uphold the wager and kindly fuck off forever, but Q's a petulant child and pouts and tells Picard he doesn't remember any wager. Picard's like, "I bet your fellow Q will recall the wager and be real happy to learn that you were unable to get my man Riker to join you in your Qonclave or whatever the F you call your crew." There's suddenly thunder because Q is Loki which means somewhere in the Qonclave there's a Q version of Thor and a screaming Q is teleported off the Enterprise. Everything returns to normal and all the clocks read as if they'd just returned from the rescue mission on Planet Mining Disaster II. Data wonders how Q can deal with space and time with such ease but completely fuck up ever interaction with humans. Picard is like, "Maybe space-time is easier to deal with than 'the human equation.'" Wesley Crusher surprisingly does not mention that space and time are the same thing as is thought as the Enterprise blasts off to adventure. How Rikered Was Riker?He was beyond being Rikered here. Dude was clearly hammered, forgetting space military protocol and randomly using his God Powers to summon a Klingon babe so his buddy could fuck in front of everyone. Dude really needed to reel it in a bit, but by the end of the episode realized he'd fucked up. Final ThoughtsThis episode had Wesley Crusher get a bayonet in the gut which might be the single best image Star Trek: The Next Generation has produced, but I'm merely a Wesley Crusher Getting Maimed hobbyist, my field of expertise is Star Trek Fuckology and in that regard we did not get much actual fucking though in the last five minutes we were given some further insight into the sexuality of Worf and a hint at Geordi's own sexual identity. While back in the episode where the crew visits Fuck Planet IV, Worf implied that Klingon sex is rough enough to break a human woman here we see first hand that it involves backfists and karate chops and shit. When the crew tell Worf to stop doing karate and start fucking he declares that, "this (doing karate on a babe in fishnets) is fucking!" Unfortunately Worf also declares that he has no place in his life for fucking, so I guess he's asexual now. Similarly we get a glimpse into Geordi's own sexuality when after Wesley Crusher is turned into a yoked young man by Riker using his God Powers, Geordi promptly eyefucks him and tells him how swole he's looking. A minute later when Riker fixes Geordi's eyes and takes off his V.I.S.O.R. Geordi's first act of business is to eyefuck Yar and tell her how hot she is, so until something else comes along to prove otherwise I'm reading Geordi as bisexual from here on out. So while we didn't get anything here that changed the current fuck standings we did get some brief insight into the surprisingly (for 1987) broadminded view of human sexuality of the Enterprise's crew which is an important piece of the puzzle going forward. Fuck CountAs mentioned above no one fucked in this one. Total Fucks for Episode: 0 Total Fucks for Season: 4 Total Fucks for Series: 4
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Post by Mr. Greene's October Surprise on Jun 27, 2019 3:08:02 GMT -5
Here is Jonathan Frakes's audition for a role in the final season of Welcome Back, Kotter in 1978:
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Post by Prole Hole on Jun 27, 2019 10:24:29 GMT -5
So... business as usual for Geordi then?
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Post by Nudeviking on Jun 27, 2019 17:46:59 GMT -5
So... business as usual for Geordi then? He hasn’t really creeped on Wesley prior to this episode that I can recall. He hung out with him just like every other plot and non-plot adult did but this was the first instance I can recall of eyefucking going on. |
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Post by Prole Hole on Jun 28, 2019 1:37:39 GMT -5
So... business as usual for Geordi then? He hasn’t really creeped on Wesley prior to this episode that I can recall. He hung out with him just like every other plot and non-plot adult did but this was the first instance I can recall of eyefucking going on. I just meant overall creepiness rather than creepiness directed towards Wes in general. |
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Post by Nudeviking on Jun 28, 2019 21:20:38 GMT -5
Star Trek: The Next Generation - S01E11 - Haven First airing on November 30, 1987, Haven was the 11th episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation. It is apparently about the upcoming wedding of one Deanna Troi and the fact that her mom wants to fuck Picard. The episode summary also mentions a "plague ship," but unless it's a fuck plague ship I don't give a shit since it's outside the purview of this scientific study. Preexisting PrejudicesI have a vague recollection of this episode for a very bizarre reason. My given name was, in America in the 1980s at least, exceedingly rare and this episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation was one of the few instances when I saw a person (real or fictional) who shared my name and wasn't a wild west sheriff. Please don't dox me. Other than that I don't remember much about this one except I think this might be the episode where an alien culture mentions nude weddings that I erroneously attributed to the Ferengi in an earlier Fuck Report. Plot SynopsisDuring the episode opening voice-over, Captain Picard informs us that the ship is headed to yet another class M planet. This one is known as Haven and from his description is basically Fuck Planet IV revisited. The planet apparently has magical healing powers and the crew of the planet is going to visit for some much needed rest and relaxation. Dude, didn't you just relax at Fuck Planet IV? I know Escaped Convict Wesley Crusher kind of fucked things up but at least your main dudes all got to fuck Space Southern Californian joggers. On the bridge the crew of the Enterprise is looking out at Haven on TV. Picard says that Haven is said to mend souls and heal broken hearts. Data is like, "Those are just legend and can't possibly be supported by facts," but Picard, feeling somewhat whimsical today tells him that legends are the thing that make the universe great and also sometimes legends come true. Meanwhile in Riker's lair, Commander Riker is unwinding watching some Ancient Greek Ladies Playing Lyres porn. His wank session is interrupted by Yar calling him and informing him that his presence has been requested in the teleportation room. "Sorry ladies! Duty calls!" Riker says as he shuts off his porno. Riker arrives in the teleportation room a moment later and is like, "Yo I stopped watching porn to come down here. What's going on?" Yar tells him that something is being teleported onto the Enterprise but they don't know what it is. The teleportation boss tells them that Haven has approved whatever it is to be beamed aboard and a weird looking box with a face on it suddenly appears. Troi then enters and is like, "What's going on here?" The box's face suddenly opens its eyes and is like, "YO I GOT A MESSAGE FOR TROI! LWAXANA TROI (hereinafter Troi's Mom) AND THE MILLER FAMILY ARE GOING TO BE ARRIVING SOON FOR THE MOMENTOUS DAY IS CLOSE AT HAND! AW YE YE!!!!" Yar is freaked the fuck out and then the face opens up and a bunch of jewels and necklaces and shit spills out of the box's mouth. Yar's all like, "The fuck is this shit?" and Troi tells her that they are "bonding gifts aka wedding presents." "Who is getting married?" asks Riker. "I am..." replies Troi. TALK ABOUT A COLD OPEN!!! Troi meets with Picard in his office and tells him that she thought that after all the time and her distance from her homeworld she assumed everyone would have forgotten about her arranged marriage. She tells him that her betrothed is the son of her father's friend guitar legend, STEVE MILLER! Picard asks Troi if she's going to stay on the Enterprise after she gets married and she tells him that she will not. Picard's like, "Well congratulations anyway," and then leaves so Troi and Riker can talk. Troi calls Riker "Bill" for some goddamn reason and then calls him an "imzati" or some made up bullshit that I guess means "beloved." She says that she knows that what he wants most in life if to command a starship, but Riker's like, "That's not all I want in my life." She then invites Riker to dance and her wedding. Riker says that he'll try and then leaves. Data then tells Troi that there's a message from Haven and they wish to beam the Miller family onto the Enterprise. Guitar Legend Steve Miller, his wife, and their son, Wyatt, arrive on the Enterprise and are met in the teleportation chamber by Picard and Troi. Steve Miller looks old as fuck here. He's all amped up to see the Enterprise, but his wife, who probably did a guest spot on The Golden Girls is all shrill and tells him not to bother Picard. Their son, Wyatt, is acting all shy, as he emerges from behind his parents and gives Troi a mood-ring but a flower. Troi thanks him for the gift and then asks him where her mom is. She's apparently still on Haven. Wyatt's mom is shrill about Troi's mom and seems to think that she's a bitch or something. Picard has the Millers taken to their quarters and then once they're gone he tells Troi that Wyatt seems like an okay dude. Troi agrees that he is indeed a fine dude, but because of her X-Man powers knows that she isn't what he was expecting. Troi then warns Picard that her mom is "a little eccentric," before her mother teleports onto the ship along with some giant Lurch looking motherfucker. Troi greets her mom but her mom uses X-Man powers and tells her daughter to use her X-Man powers not her voice. Troi is all like, "Fuck this shit," and then greets her mother aloud. Troi's Mom is a bit disappointed that her daughter has seemingly forgotten how to use her X-Man powers. She then approaches Picard and is like, "Don't tell me...you're the captain." Picard's like, "Yo I know all about your X-Man powers," but Troi's Mom replies, "It's not X-Man powers dude, just common sense that they'd send the ship's captain to meet me." She then asks Picard to carry her luggage. Troi is mortified that her mother would do something so rude, but Picard is like, "Yo it's no problem, I'll carry her bag." He then tries to pick it up only to find that it weighs like nine gajillion tons. COMIC RELIEF!!! Back from commercials we see Picard struggling with the heavy-ass suitcase as he leads Troi's Mom down the hall to her quarters. Geordi and Data are all like, "Yo check that out! Picard's weak as fuck!" Eventually Troi has had enough and she yells at her mom and tells her to have her manservant, that Lurch Looking Motherfucker, carry the case. Picard allows the Lurch Looking Motherfucker to pick up the suitcase and he does so with ease. COMIC RELIEF II: THE LEGEND OF CURLY'S GOLD!!!! They then get in a turbolift where Troi's Mom continues to drone on and on about random bullshit, primarily about how much better Betazoids are than Human. Eventually Troi gets pissed off and uses X-Man powers to yells, "ENOUGH!" at her mom who finally shuts up. They arrive in Troi' Mom's quarters and she deems them to be "adequate." She then dismisses Picard who kind of bows sarcastically as he takes his leave. Troi's Mom then tells Troi that she's sorry about the sudden marriage and says that Guitar Legend Steve Miller tracked her down to remind her of the promise made years earlier. Troi tells her mom that she doesn't really believe in that vow the way she did before but will honor them on account of being Betazoid. Troi's Mom then tells Troi that Wyatt is an alright dude and she senses remarkable depths in him. Meanwhile on the bridge, Geordi tells Picard that they are getting a message from Haven. They put the call up on the TV and yet another 80s Babe Dressed as an Ancient Greek appears before them. She is the Electrolyte of Haven and tells Picard that they've got a bit of a problem. An unidentified ship has bypassed their "stargate" and is refusing to reply to any calls. They believe the ship to be hostile and since Haven is without defensive capabilities of their own and are under the protection of the Federation, it is up to the Enterprise to defend them. Elsewhere on the Enterprise, Troi visits Wyatt Miller. She apologizes for her mom being a dick, but Wyatt tells her that he thinks her mom's honesty is refreshing. He then tells Troi a bit about himself, and by a bit I mean he tells her that he's a doctor because even in The Next Generation a dude with a "good job" thinks that's all he needs. He asks her about reading minds and she said that in they might be able to read each others' minds in the future since she's only felt this way with one other person before...someone here on the Enterprise. Wyatt asks her if he has any competition but Troi tells him that he does not since that person is in love with a spaceship in much the same way that Roger Taylor was in love with his car. Wyatt and Troi talk about starting a medical practice together and then Troi sees a bunch of drawings that Wyatt did. They are all of some woman. Wyatt tells Troi that he's seen that woman in his dreams since he was a small child and heard her voice speak to him so when he arrived on the Enterprise he was surprised that Troi wasn't her. Troi tells him that she's sorry she's not the lady he was looking for, but Wyatt's like, "No, I guess it was just a childish fantasy. You're hot as fuck and it's an honor to marry you." Picard drops a Captain's log about how he thinks arranged marriages are fucked and wishes that he could intervene. We then check in on the bridge where Data has gotten the unidentified vessel that's approaching Haven on camera. Data informs Picard that the ship is traveling at subwarp speed and is thus several hours out from the planet. Geordi increases magnification on the image and Picard is like, "OH FUCK! Is that what I think it is?!" Data tells him that it is indeed what he thinks it is: a Tarellian starship. Picard summons Dr. Beverly Crusher to the bridge and then, as overly dramatic music plays us into commercial break, declares, "They must not be permitted to destroy us. Or the planet!" Returning from commercial break Picard, via voiceover, informs us that the Tarellian race was believed to be extinct, but that no longer seems to be the case. The crew has assembled in the conference room to talk about the latest plot development. Riker and Geordi are of the mind that the ship may have been damaged and unable to travel at warp-speed which is why it would have taken so long to get to Haven. Data then dumps some plot for the viewers at home and explains something that everyone on the crew would have known about. The Tarellians came form yet another Class-M planet and were once again nearly human. Unfortunately for them hatred overpowered intelligence and two groups of Tarellians began to war. One group unleashed a biological weapon but soon both groups were dying of a plague. The remaining Tarellians tried to flee to other planets, but they were hunted down and killed in order to prevent the plague from spreading and prior to the discovery of this Tarellian ship the last Tarellians were believed to have been killed off eight years earlier. The Tarellian ship will reach Haven in 13 hours. Picard tells everyone that it is their duty to protect Haven from the Tarellians but also should attempt to give aid to the Tarellians if possible. He asks his crew to help him come up with a win-win solution and then abruptly changing topics is like, "Oh yeah and Troi is having her wedding reception tonight, so come if you want to." Riker is emo as fuck and leaves to go work. Later at the wedding reception everyone is being dicks to one another except for that Lurch Looking Motherfucker who is just pounding drinks. Data is fascinated by him and asks him, "Considering the rate at which you imbibe, sir, is your lineage at all mixed with human?" confirming that everyone on the Enterprise is drunk as fuck all the time. Wyatt's mom asks Picard to officiate the wedding and Picard agrees to do so, but Troi's Mom is like, "Aw fuck no! We aren't having a barbaric human wedding! We need to have a sophisticated Betazoid wedding where everyone is totally nude! Since Captain Picard doesn't know about Betazoid wedding rituals we'll have to have that Lurch Looking Motherfucker do it!" Mrs. Miller is like, "But that Lurch Looking Motherfucker can't even talk!" Picard says that it's Starfleet tradition to not be a dick during parties and declares "all disagreements resolved." Unfortunately it doesn't work like that and the dickish behavior continues during dinner. While that Lurch Looking Motherfucker repeatedly bangs a gong, Troi's mom and Mrs. Miller snipe at each other. Riker, being emo as fuck, is like, "Yo I'm outta here to go figure out what to do about a non-fuck plague plague ship." The dickishness continues until Troi cannot bear it any longer and shouts, "Stop this petty bickering, all of you! Especially you, mother!" She then storms off, knocking over the gong as she goes. When she is gone Data asks the stunned wedding party, "Could you please continue the petty bickering? I find it most intriguing." COMIC RELIEF III: DREAM WARRIORS!!!! On the Holodeck, Riker in full blown emo introspective mode is slouched on a rock in a desert watching the sunset, brooding over feelings and shit. Troi shows up and asks if she can join him. Riker tells her that he is going to miss her and calls her "imatzi" or whatever. Troi opines that young humans often have a hard time separating platonic and physical love and Riker tells her that he still can't because he's a horndog. Wyatt Miller then wanders in and is like, "Wow this holodeck is cool as fuck! Oh am I interrupting anything?" Riker's like, "I gotta go!" and hauls ass out of the holodeck. Wyatt, not understanding that Riker and his fiance used to fuck is like, "The fuck was that about?" Troi tells him, "Actually, Bill was concerned that you might be upset that I care deeply for him, too." I don't know who Bill is. Maybe Troi's just using a fake name for Riker in case Wyatt gets jealous and goes looking for him or something. Since the computer can tell anyone where anyone else is on the ship maybe telling Wyatt that Riker's name was Bill would confuse the computer and allow Riker to avoid a beating where a dude with a haircut like the dude in the video for "Take on Me" by A-Ha tells him, "STAY AWAY FROM MY WIFE!" I don't really know. Anyway, Wyatt tells Troi that after she left everyone stopped being dicks to each other and decided to compromise about the wedding. Some people will be naked, other will not. Troi's like, "How did you manage that?" Wyatt tells her, "Your mother relented. And I just caught my father practicing naked in front of his mirror." He then asks her if she really wants to marry him. She says that she does and then kiss. I don't need this chaste romance shit. GIMME SOME FUCKING!!! Picard does some voiceover work declaring that all attempts to contact the Tarellian ship have failed and he's getting worried. The Lady Boss of Haven calls Picard again and is like, "That plague ship is getting pretty close Picard. Do you realize that they can turn this lovely world of ours into a graveyard?" She implores him to take action before it's too late. Picard realizes that he has a duty to protect Haven but also has a responsibility to attempt to help the Tarellian ship. Yar says that she thinks she could take out the plague ship's engines with a phaser blast but Picard's like, "Nah just use a tractor beam to snag them before they crash onto the planet or whatever." They do that and the Tarellian ship finally hails the Enterprise. A woman in a halter-top appears on the TV and Troi recognizes her as the woman from Wyatt's drawings. Frankly I don't see it but okay, I guess that's the plot hook for the final act of the episode. Back from commercials the leader of the plague ship introduces himself to Picard as Wrenn. He says that there are only eight Tarellians left and they want to live on a beach or deserted island on Haven. Picard's like, "Yo, you know that those healing powers of Haven stories are just bullshit right?" Wrenn's like, "Yeah. We just want to die there in peace." Wyatt then comes onto the bridge and sees that the woman he has been drawing since his childhood is a real woman! They know his name somehow because that woman apparently saw him in dreams as well. Later, Wyatt goes to talk to Lwaxana. She asks him which headband thing will look best when she gets her tits out for his wedding. He doesn't want to talk about her tits though, he wants to know how it's possible that a woman he's dreamed about is actually real. She seems to imply that there's one person for everyone in the universe or something so Wyatt's like, "Okay cool!" He later goes down to the sickbay and gets some medical supplies for the Tarellian plague ship and then after Dr. Beverly Crusher leaves he steals a syringe and puts it into his pocket. Wyatt next goes to see his parents and Troi. His mom is all like, "Look at your father, Wyatt. He just can't wait to strip off his clothes for that barbaric ceremony!" Wyatt tells them to be excellent to one another and then tells Troi that she looked hot as fuck when they were making out on the Holodeck. He then leaves for the teleportation room and uses the syringe to knock the teleport chief out. Wyatt them beams himself onto the plague ship. On the bridge, Geordi tells Picard that someone is beaming onto the plague ship. Picard tells him to override it but it's too damn late! Wyatt arrives on the plague ship and sees a bunch of drawings of himself that were obviously done by the plague lady. Wrenn greets him and says that they always thought he was a dream but once they saw he was real knew that he would beam over. He tells them that he has medicine and supplies. Back on the Enterprise, Mrs. Miller is chewing Picard out, "How could you let this happen? My son surrounded by those horrible lepers!" Troi is like, "He can never come back now!" The plague ship then calls and Mrs. Miller is like, "Baby, please come back!" but Wyatt tells everyone that he's going to stay with the Tarellians and try to heal them. He says that he knew that he was coming to Haven to met his destiny but thought it was Troi but it really wasn't. His parents are kind of shocked but ultimate are like, "Live your truth Wyatt.." The Tarellians then tell Picard that they aren't going to fuck with Haven anymore so if he releases them from their tractor beam they'll head off into space. Picard's like, "Sounds good!" and releases the Tarellian ship which blasts off with Wyatt to adventure. With the plague ship taken care of, Wyatt's parents head back to Earth or whatever. They tell Troi that she can keep the screaming chest of jewels that they gifted her with and then teleport away. Troi's mom comes in next with that Lurch looking motherfucker toting her tote bag. Troi's Mom is all like, "Maybe I should get married again so this entire trip wasn't a waste. I know Picard wants to fuck me six ways to Sunday but he's too old for me. Maybe Riker Without Beard would be a better fuck-partner?" Troi growls at her and she's just like, "Yo it's just a joke," and then gets on the teleporter. That Lurch looking motherfucker then thanks Picard for the drinks as a punchline to a joke I guess ("HE'S NOT REALLY A MUTE! LOL!") and gets onto the teleporter as well. Troi's Mom tells her not to forget about her X-Man powers then mocks Picard one more time for thinking impure thoughts about her before teleporting away. Picard scowls and Troi's like, "She was only joking." Picard is not amused. With all the assholes off the Enterprise, Picard returns to the bridge and tells Geordi to get them the fuck out of there. Geordi does precisely that as Picard tells Troi that he's glad she is still part of the crew. How Rikered Was Riker?Riker kicked off the episode watching porn and then spent the remainder of the show being emo as fuck about his fuck-buddy getting married. He was not hiding his intoxication well in this episode. Final ThoughtsThis was a pretty mediocre episode of Star Trek. I very much dislike how in a lot of these early episodes a shit ton of nothing happens and then in the last 8 minutes of the show they try to force some high stakes drama in. Like the fuck plague episode had the same thing. It was 85% wacky fuck plague antics and then the last seven minutes were, "OH FUCK THE ASTEROID FROM DEEP IMPACT IS GOING TO WRECK HOUSE ON US!" The Fuck Planet IV episode too had the main conflict arise and get resolved in the last 5 or 6 minutes. It's kind of ridiculous. Also ridiculous? The complete and utter lack of fucking in this episode. Fuck CountLots of talk about Guitar Legend Steve Miller wanting to get his dick out and how every man wanted to fuck Troi's Mom but nothing in the way of actual fucking. Total Fucks for Episode: 0 Total Fucks for Season: 4 Total Fucks for Series: 4
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Post by Hachiman on Jun 28, 2019 23:25:24 GMT -5
Ugh, Lwaxana is always a hard character to deal with, but its hard to be mad when her main crimes are actually appearing to have a personality and also enjoying life.
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Post by Nudeviking on Jun 28, 2019 23:51:47 GMT -5
Ugh, Lwaxana is always a hard character to deal with, but its hard to be mad when her main crimes are actually appearing to have a personality and also enjoying life. The other mom was way more annoying than Troi's Mom who pretty much was just, "I want to get my tits out because all the dudes want to fuck me." |
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Post by Ben Grimm on Jun 29, 2019 8:41:57 GMT -5
You know that that Lurch-looking motherfucker was actually Lurch, right?
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Post by Nudeviking on Jun 29, 2019 10:34:16 GMT -5
You know that that Lurch-looking motherfucker was actually Lurch, right? I thought that dude died in the late 70s or early 80s. |
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Post by Ben Grimm on Jun 29, 2019 12:01:22 GMT -5
You know that that Lurch-looking motherfucker was actually Lurch, right? I thought that dude died in the late 70s or early 80s. Movie Lurch, not Ted Cassidy. |
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Post by sarapen on Jun 29, 2019 19:19:55 GMT -5
Remember that episode when Picard tricked Troi's mom into putting the moves on a holographic bartender? I wonder if they still had sex after she found out he wasn't real.
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Post by Lt. Broccoli on Jun 29, 2019 20:44:02 GMT -5
You know that that Lurch-looking motherfucker was actually Lurch, right? Also the face in the box is Quark! |
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Crash Test Dumbass
AV Clubber 
ffc what now
Posts: 7,058
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Post by Crash Test Dumbass on Jul 1, 2019 8:48:00 GMT -5
My given name was, in America in the 1980s at least, exceedingly rare and this episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation was one of the few instances when I saw a person (real or fictional) who shared my name and wasn't a wild west sheriff. That's rough, Nudeviking . My son's name is also Lwaxana. |
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Post by Nudeviking on Jul 1, 2019 23:56:59 GMT -5
Star Trek: The Next Generation - S01E12 - The Big Goodbye And so it's finally come to this...the first Holodeck based episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation. The episode preview informs me that the crew ends up getting stuck in the Holodeck while en route to some diplomatic encounter. I'm not entirely certain which Holodeck centric episode this is since I think all of them had this same general hook. Nine times out of ten Holodeck-centric episodes suck all the ass, but this time around I've important fuckology work to do otherwise I'd probably skip this one outright. Will I have to determine whether or not fuckin' on the Holodeck counts or will this be a complete waste of 45 minutes of my life? Let's found out! Preexisting PrejudicesI don't know which particular episode of zany Holodeck misadventures this is. Is it a private dick episode? One with Shakespeare shit? Robin Hood? Who knows! I think all of them kind of suck so its a moot point. Plot Synopsis The Enterprise is en route to meet some bugmen on a diplomatic mission. Riker informs us that they are sticklers for details and get really pissy if someone fucks up their language. The diplomatic mission requires Picard to greet them in their own language and he's having a hell of a time learning it. We see Picard and Troi studying the bugmen's language. Picard seems to understand the basics of it but is frustrated as fuck about it and thinks it's a shit language. Troi's like, "Like Space English is so good. You spell knife with a k!" Picard does not. He spells knife with an n. Troi tells him that the Holodeck has been upgraded so maybe he should take a break and go fuck around with it. Picard is amped as fucked because he heard they added a Dixon Hill program that he wanted to try out. Awhile later Picard enters the Holodeck and is shocked by how good the program is. It's 1940s private dick shit. Picard (as Dixon Hill) enters an office and meets a dame I assume is Dixon Hill's secretary. She asks Picard if he lost a bet. Picard is perplexed so the secretary asks him why he's dressed as a bellhop. She then tells him that there's a dame with killer gams in Picard's office waiting for him before she leaves for a date with her guy. After that good, good theme song, Picard enters his office to find the dame with the killer gams and tells her that he lost a bet to excuse his wonky uniform. The dame with the killer gams tells him that she thinks someone is trying to kill her but she doesn't know who it is. It might be her step-daughter. It might be her husband. "A lover?" asks Picard. It might be a lover. She asks Picard's rates. He tells her $20 plus expenses. She gives him a "c-note" to keep him on retainer and then kisses him and takes his business card before leaving. Picard then looks out the window of his office and sees automobiles out on the street and starts geeking out over it. There's a knock on the door and Picard tells whoever is on the other side, "You'll have to call again, I was just leaving. I'm uhh... not dressed properly." Picard then leaves the Holodeck as the door to his office opens in a random-ass 1940s dude comes in and finds that Picard (as Dixon Hill) is no longer there. Back on the Enterprise, Picard, still with some dame's lipstick smudged on his face, walks down the hall like a guy who just fucked while people look at him and point and giggle. Later in the conference room, Picard is going absolutely BUCK WILD about how dick-fucking-awesome the new and improved Holodeck is since he looked out the window and how when he looked down on the street he "actually saw automobiles!" Worf is all like, "Auto-mo-biles?" While leads Data to talk about automobiles were vehicles and also status symbols for guys with small dicks and were also, "a prime ingredient in teenage mating rituals." This last bit piques Escaped Convict Wesley Crusher's interest because I guess he's horny now. Dr. Beverly Crusher wipes the dame with great gams' lipstick off Picard's face as he continues ranting to his staff about this really cool thing he saw on the Holodeck. "The sense of reality was absolutely incredible!" he says, "When that woman kissed me, it was so..." "Exciting?" asks a disgusted looking Dr. Beverly Crusher. "Real!" replies Picard. Picard then invites Dr. Beverly Crusher to accompany him next time. One of the crew suggests that Picard also take some crew member named Mr. Whalen who is apparently a 20th Century historian. Picard thinks this is great and states that the next time he goes he'll wear some period appropriate clothing. Eventually Picard is like, "Oh fuck we were supposed to talk about those bugmen!" Riker reminds Picard that he has to do the greeting perfectly if he wants the diplomatic mission to succeed and brings up a previous attempt that failed and led to 20 years of strife. Data asks Picard if he wants to rewatch the footage of the Federation's last attempt at forging a relationship with the bugmen. Picard gets pissed off and tells him he's seen it enough and then is like, "Fuck this shit! I'm going back to the Holodeck!" Later, Data and Geordi are walking down the hall talking about why Picard didn't want to watch footage of the failed diplomatic mission with the bugmen before discussing Dixon Hill. Data asks who Dixon Hill is and Geordi tells him that he was a detective like Sherlock Holmes. Since Data loves Sherlock Holmes they riff on Sherlock Holmes stuff, saying "indubitably" a bajillion times. Data then goes to a computer and has the computer give him all the writing about Dixon Hill available. He reads all of it. Elsewhere in the ship, Picard, dressed in a suit, is joined by Mr. Whalen (also dressed in a suit). are waiting outside the Holodeck. Dr. Beverly Crusher will apparently join them shortly. Before they go in, Data (also dressed in a suit and fedora) appears and asks to join them, explaining that he is now an expert on Dixon Hill. The two men and one android then enter the Holodeck. They walk down the street and meet a newspaper salesman who greets Picard by yelling, "Hey, Dix! How's tricks?" Picard, not being hip to the lingo of 1940s San Francisco, replies, "Oh, she's fine," and then asks for a newspaper. In spite not having any money, the newsie gives him the paper and then turns his attention to Data who is clearly not "from around here." Picard, with his nose in the newspaper, declares that Data is from South America to which the newspaper man replies, "Yeah, he's got a nice tan!" I was confused by this because I didn't know if the guy was being sarcastic or if the denizens of the Holodeck perceived "real people" differently than other "real people" would have. At first I thought it might be the later, but later in the episode someone compares Data to a ghost so it's probably just sarcasm, but I digress. They talk about baseball for awhile which Picard seems perplexed by. Since they play baseball on a Holodeck episode of Deep Space Nine I'm going to chalk Picard's unfamiliarity with baseball to his Frenchness. After a few minutes of fucking around we finally get to the reason for this particular scene's existence: Picard discovers that the dame with great gams from earlier has been murdered! A pair of cops show up and start asking Picard about where he was the night before and then takes him in for questioning because the dame with the great gams had Picard's business card on her when they found her. Back on the bridge, Riker is holding shit down when suddenly the bugmen launch a probe at the Enterprise which causes the ship to shake and all kinds of systems to get fucked up. Down in the hallway, the doors to the Holodeck randomly open and close repeatedly. Back up on the bridge the bugmen call the Enterprise and are pissed off that they have to speak to Riker. They demand to speak to the Captain so Riker sends Geordi to go get him off the Holodeck. Down in the hallway, Dr. Beverly Crusher, now dressed as a 1940s dame tries to enter the Holodeck. The doors are all fucked up, but she goes in away and meets up with Whalen and Data in a police station. Data, sounding like a 1940s gangster greets her by saying, "Hiya doc. What's cookin'?" She explains that she had some trouble getting onto the Holodeck and then ask where Picard is. Data tells her that, "He's on ice," but Dr. Beverly Crusher doesn't understand so Data clarifies, "He's being grilled." "What is he, a fish?" asks Dr. Beverly Crusher. 20th Century Historian, Whalen, then puts it in terms that even a doctor could understand, "He's being interrogated. They think he committed a murder." Dr. Beverly Crusher is delighted by this and wonders why they aren't all being interrogated. She wants to go into the interrogation room, but Whalen stops her. Meanwhile in the interrogation room Officer Badcop is grilling Picard who seems to be having the time of his life. Outside in the hallway, however, Geordi has discovered that the Holodeck is fucked up. He informs Riker that he's unable to contact anyone inside the Holodeck. We return from break to check in on the bridge. Riker decides to go down to the Holodeck and help Geordi. Escaped Convict Wesley Crusher puts on his Boy Genius hat and tells Riker that he knows everything there is to know about Holodecks and asks to go with Riker to help. Riker's like, "Fuck that, you're piloting the ship or some shit right now..." Troi however vouches for the fact that Wesley is a boy genius and also reminds Riker that Wesley's mom, Dr. Beverly Crusher, is among those trapped on the Holodeck so Riker relents and he and Wesley head off to go help Geordi. Back in the interrogation room, Picard has had enough the Holodeck and needs to get back to the Enterprise for the very important diplomatic mission. He tells Officer Badcop that he has to go, but Officer Badcop isn't having it. After he storms off Officer Goodcop tells Picard that he'll try and help him out. They eventually decide to let him go but Officer Badcop warns him not to leave town. Picard replies that if he leaves town, the town will leave with him. Officer Goodcop invites Picard to dinner at his house. Picard tells him he has a date with "Enterprise," and Goodcop tells him that he'll bring over a bottle of whiskey to talk about her later. Out in the waiting room, Dr. Beverly Crusher is obsessed with some 1940s dame who was probably a "working girl." Dr. Beverly Crusher watches her and attempts to mimic what the 1940s dame is doing. This draws the attention of a cop working a desk job probably on account of being a racist scumfuck that the general public was outraged by since working a desk job seems to be the fate of most of those guys, but that's probably a topic best left to The Star Trek Racism Report to cover. This is the Star Trek Fuck Report! The racist desk cop gives Dr. Beverly Crusher gum which she immediately swallows. He seems to have the hots for her and invites her to some dance, but Picard appears and she and Picard then eyefuck each other. Picard thinks that Dr. Beverly Crusher looks hot as fuck dressed like a 1940s dame. I do not disagree. She asks if Picard can "show (her) his office before they leave." Whalen and Data, not realizing she's talking about getting fucked in a private dick's office are like, "Can we come too?!" Picard is pissed that he's not going to get to plow Dr. Beverly Crusher on the red leather fuck sofa that was in the Dixon Hill Private Dick office, but allows the two dweebs to accompany him. The four arrive at the office and are met there by a rat-looking motherfucker named Leech. He's like, "I need to talk to you Mister Hill," but Picard tells him to come back later because he's busy. Leech tells Picard that he's being rude and then draws a gun on them, Back out in the hallway, Wesley and Geordi are troubleshooting the Holodeck. Wesley, being the boy genius that he is, determines that the trouble was probably caused by the scan the bugmen conducted and says that it won't be easy to fix. Yar then calls and informs Riker that they've arrived in the bugman system but there haven't been any other communications from them. Meanwhile on the Holodeck, Leech, still with a pistol drawn, demands to know what Picard has done with the ITEM! that he (as Dixon Hill) was hired to find. Whalen bows up to him like a tough guy and Leech blasts him. Whalen falls backwards and everyone applauds his commitment to the bit, but Whalen brings his hand up from his gut and sees that it's covered with blood. "But... they're not real!" he whines. Something has gone seriously wrong in the Holodeck and Dr. Beverly Crusher rushes over to administer aid to the now dying 20th Century Historian as we go once again to commercials. Back from commercials Dr. Beverly Crusher says that if they don't get Whalen to the sickbay right awhile he will die. Leech, still with his gun drawn, moves closer but Picard karates him, knocking the gun from his hand and then backfisting him in the mug. Leech runs off and Picard tells the Holodeck to open the exit, but there's no response. Data goes to look for another door, but he comes up short as well. The crew on the Holodeck realize that they are trapped! On the bridge, Riker tells Geordi and Wesley Crusher that they are quickly running out of time. The bugmen will expect their diplomatic greeting soon. Back in Dixon Hill's Private Dick Office, Dr. Beverly Crusher is working to keep 20th Century Historian Whalen alive while Picard and Data attempt to find a way off the Holodeck. Suddenly Leech returns with a big fat man and a non-big fat man. The big fat man introduces himself as Cyrus Roadblock and demands Picard hand over the ITEM! that they tasked him with retrieving. Roadblock politely asks Picard if he can search the office for the ITEM! which Data is perplexed by since Roadblock is clearly a d-bag but is being super polite about things. Roadblock is all like, "Good manners matter dude!" He then tells his men to get Whalen's corpse out of the room. One guy wants to throw him in the dumpster but Roadblock tells him to just stick him in the other room. Picard tells him not to and ends up getting pistol whipped by Leech. Officer Goodcop then walks in with the aforementioned bottle of whiskey. He's surprised to find Roadblock and the other gangsters there and he's quickly disarmed. Goodcop scolds Picard for hanging out with street-toughs and then everyone shoots the shit for awhile. Roadblock eventually realizes that Data looks like a goddamn ghost and asks where he's from. Data starts to explain that he's not from this world but Roadblock doesn't believe him. Picard says that he's from South America, but Roadblock doesn't believe that either. Picard then admits that Data was being honest and they are from another world. Data adds that none of the Dixon Hill characters are actually real which causes Leech to freak the fuck out. He wants to shoot Data but Roadblock tells him to shoot Dr. Beverly Crusher instead. Leech points his pistol at her head. COMMERCIAL BREAK! Back from commercials, Picard saves Dr. Beverly Crusher from getting her brains blown out by telling Roadblock that he has the ITEM! and Roadblock tells Leech to hold off on killing Dr. Beverly Crusher. Picard then tries to bargain with Roadblock. Roadblock laughs and tells Picard that he knew that he was just like him and asks what he wants. Picard tells him that he'll hand over the ITEM! if Roadblock lets them get help for Whalen. Meanwhile back on the bridge, Riker tries to call the bugmen but he just hears some shrill-ass noise that should have come with a headphone warning for those of us watching on our phones twenty-two years after the fact. He quickly hangs up on them and then calls down to Geordi and Wesley to see what's going on. Wesley tells Riker that he knows what need to be done to fix the Holodeck but is concerned because if the repairs aren't done properly everyone inside the Holodeck could vanish. Um...that's not how the Holodeck works in any other episode is it? Like if the thing fails everyone will just end up in a blank room and all the 1940s dames and cops and gangsters will fade away. I guess Wesley Crusher doesn't know everything there is to know about Holodecks after all. Riker, knowing Wesley is talking shit, tells him to go ahead and repair the thing. Back in the holodeck, the Enterprise crew attempts to explain what is really happening to Roadblock, but Roadblock doesn't know what the word, "computer" means. Picard attempts to explain that he's not actually Dixon Hill, he just looks like Dixon Hill. Data confirms that Picard is speaking the truth, saying, "From your point of view, he is only a facsimile, a knock-off, a cheap imitation..." Picard is not amused and Leech is getting pissed off and wants to kill Data. The Holodeck suddenly changes from a 1940s private dick's office to a blizzard on Hoth or some similar ice planet. The get snowed on for a couple seconds before returning to the private dick's office. All the 1940s guys are like, "WOAH! WTF WAS THAT?!" A Holodeck exit suddenly appears and opens, revealing a hallway on the Enterprise. Picard explains to Roadblock that that exit is a way into their world. He says that if they allow him to go out with Whalen to get him treated he'd return with the ITEM! and give it to them. Roadblock, however, has some other ideas. Ideas that Data quickly realizes. "If you are going to go through yourself, sir that is not possible," he says to Roadblock. Roadblock tells him, "One look at you, sir is proof that anything is possible," and then tells Leech to come with him. Roadblock and Leech then leave the Holodeck and start to walk down the hallway of the Enterprise but quickly begin to dematerialize on account of not actually being real. Roadblock starts screaming, "DON'T THEY KNOW WHO I AM?! I'M CYRUS ROADBLOCK!" and then fades to nothingness. Back on the Holodeck, Data crushes the anonymous gangster's gun and then asks Picard's permission to punch him in the face. "PERMISSION GRANTED!" *POW!* The gangster is knocked the fuck out. Why didn't they do this as soon as Whalen got for real shot? Data's got super strength and super speed and probably wouldn't have gotten that wrecked even if he had been shot on account of being a robot and could have easily disarmed all the gangsters before things escalated to Dr. Beverly Crusher getting a gun pointed at her head. The logic of the episode really sucks. Anyway, Picard then has Data take Whalen to the sickbay. Dr. Beverly Crusher goes with them leaving Picard alone to talk to Officer Goodcop. I guess he and Picard are best buddies now or something. Officer Goodcop tells Picard, "I guess this is the Big Goodbye..." EPISODE TITLE ALL UP IN THIS MUG! They then talk to each other for a bit like they're in love with one another before Officer Goodcop asks Picard what will happen to him when Picard walks out that door. "Will my wife and kid still be waiting for me at home?" Picard has no idea and then walks out that door. The Holodeck goes black. Sorry Officer Goodcop, I think your wife and kid(s) have been reduced to nonexistence. Picard still in a suit and wearing a fedora then rushes to the bridge to greet the bugmen. He gets them on the phone and after introducing himself in English delivers a greeting in the language of the bugmen. It's a ridiculous sounding fake language that Picard really gets into while looking completely deadpan. I'm kind of curious how many takes this took since it seems like the sort of bullshit that would have caused everyone around him to corpse. Everyone applauds at this apparently successful diplomatic mission and Data takes a seat at his control station. Geordi asks him how the 1940s private dick Holodeck adventure was and Data replies, "It was raining in the city by The Bay. A hard rain. Hard enough to wash the slime."" Picard yells at him and Data apologies and then Picard tells Geordi, "Helm, take us out of orbit. And Mr. La Forge?" "Yes sir?" replies Geordi. Picard puts his fedora back on and adopts a Bugs Bunny pretending to be an old-timey gangster voice, adding, "Step on it!" The Enterprise then blasts off to adventure! How Rikered Was Riker?Riker didn't do anything to demonstrate any intoxication whatsoever so either he was well on top of his drunkness or was stone cold sober during this adventure. Final ThoughtsA decided lack of fucking coupled with a dumb adventure hook and a lousy "we've got these non-sci-fi costumes lying about better do a gangster episode" Holodeck adventure made for a thoroughly mediocre episode. Of all the things in this episode the thing that bothered me the most (outside of the complete and utter lack of fucking) was the fact that the entire diplomatic mission was just "Say 'Hello' in a funny language." That was it. Picard said "Hello," and that was it. An utterly ludicrous turn of events to say the least. Moreover since they didn't make him delivery the greeting in person or even with the TV turned on couldn't they have just had Data replicate Picard's voice and use computer programming and/or translators to deliver a flawless version of the greeting? I don't know why I'm overthinking this stupid plot hole. I guess that's what happens when I watch an episode of Star Trek with no fucking. Hopefully things turn around in the next episode. Fuck CountMany dames and gams but no fucks went down due to Data and Whalen being dweebs. While Data has up to this point been a standout in a lot of these bad early TNG episodes the fact that he prevented Picard from fucking Dr. Beverly Crusher while they were cosplaying as '40s detectives has put him towards the bottom of the list of overall character awesomeness, ranking just above Boy Genius Wesley Crusher, Q, and the Ferengi at present. Total Fucks for Episode: 0 Total Fucks for Season: 4 Total Fucks for Series: 4
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Post by Prole Hole on Jul 2, 2019 8:17:28 GMT -5
How long into this project will it be before you profoundly regret not allowing "eyefucking" to be a qualification for the count?
One of the biggest problems of the first season of TNG is that so many episodes are "just do something from the original series, but with the new crew" and it's not only incredibly tedious but also a style that went out of fashion with the Summer Of Love. The Fuck Plague episode is only the most explicit of them (if you will pardon the phrasing). These cheap-ass, crappy holodeck (interesting - Chrome recognises holodeck as a valid word) stories are just TNG's equivalent of "let's go to Rome planet" or "let's go to Nazi planet" but using tech to cover the imagination shortfall rather than the "parallel evolution" or "deluded historian tries to remodel planet for some reason" excuses that TOS dragged out.
In short, I am not a fan of this episode.
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Post by sarapen on Jul 2, 2019 9:57:33 GMT -5
I wonder what the non-upgraded holodeck was like. Maybe Picard was expecting just scenery and not people, or just various rooms instead of an actual backlot. Perhaps the people were more like the NPCs in eXistenZ.
Also Picard sounds like a kid with a looming exam who's procratinating on studying by playing his new video game.
Anyway, good thing the holodeck has safety features (which of course broke down in this episode). I assume no one would enjoy a realistic early 20th century-style police interrogation unless they're into being beaten while tied to a chair.
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patbat
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Post by patbat on Jul 2, 2019 10:37:42 GMT -5
For those of you with long memories, you may remember that one of my finest achievements was getting the word Rikered into Urban Dictionary. This is a term based on the idea that Riker's character is a whole lot more fun if you just assume he's drunk off his ass all the time but trying to hide it. May I therefore respectfully suggest a new category in these reviews - How Drunk Do We Think Riker Is This Week? |
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Post by Nudeviking on Jul 2, 2019 14:42:34 GMT -5
I wonder what the non-upgraded holodeck was like. Maybe Picard was expecting just scenery and not people, or just various rooms instead of an actual backlot. Perhaps the people were more like the NPCs in eXistenZ. Also Picard sounds like a kid with a looming exam who's procratinating on studying by playing his new video game. Anyway, good thing the holodeck has safety features (which of course broke down in this episode). I assume no one would enjoy a realistic early 20th century-style police interrogation unless they're into being beaten while tied to a chair. We've seen the non-upgraded Holodeck a few times now and it was either landscapes devoid of other people (Data's woodland getaway from Encounter at Far Point, Riker's emo desert from the episode prior to this one) or training programs that had holographic people but lacked any background setting (Troi's judo training thing from that really racist episode). Maybe prior to the upgrade there was no way to put holographic people together with realistic backgrounds. |
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Post by Superb Owl 🦉 on Jul 9, 2019 12:59:12 GMT -5
Regarding baseball on DS9, that’s pretty consistently treated as a a weird hobby/interest for Sisko to be into. Even the “teams” that exist I think are supposed to be more akin to historical re-enacters.
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Post by Hachiman on Jul 10, 2019 20:49:02 GMT -5
Regarding baseball on DS9, that’s pretty consistently treated as a a weird hobby/interest for Sisko to be into. Even the “teams” that exist I think are supposed to be more akin to historical re-enacters. My favorite detail of that baseball episode of DS9 was how phenomenally and obsessively petty that Vulcan captain was. "I picked up your stupid fringe hobby, which isn't even from my culture! Then I made my crew learn it in the middle of an ongoing war! All just to fuck with you! Also, racism!" |
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Post by Nudeviking on Jul 10, 2019 21:14:23 GMT -5
Star Trek: The Next Generation - S01E13 - Datalore  First appearing on television on January 18, 1988, Datalore was the 13th episode of the first season of Star Trek: The Next Generation. This episode is the first of many evil twin episodes of Star Trek: The Next Generation. I don't give a shit about any of that shit, I'm only here for the fucking, so let's get down to it! Preexisting PrejudicesI don't recall any specifics about this episode but recall the episode with Double Datas sucking much ass. I don't know if that's true or not. Let's find out. Plot SynopsisWhile en route to somewhere the Enterprise passes Omicron Theta, Data's home planet. They decide to go take a look around since they have a couple hours to kill and apparently an entire Earth colony disappeared from there Roanoke Colony style a bunch of years earlier. Scans of the planet from the Enterprise turn up zero life, whatsoever. Escaped Convict Wesley Crusher walks in on Data practicing sneezing and asks him if he has a cold or something. Data doesn't understand what he's talking about so Wesley's like, "Yo whatever, Captain Picard wanted to see you up on the bridge." Data goes up on the bridge and Picard asks him if he remembers anything about the planet. He does not. Picard welcomes him home as he joins Riker's away team to travel to the planet. They then beam down onto the planet almost exactly where Data was discovered by a Starfleet ship some time in the past. I guess he has the memories of 411 colonists or something and wants to find out why. Will he? We'll find out after that good, good opening theme song! Post-theme song we're back with the away team on Omicron Theta where they're scanning stuff and realizing that there's 0% life on the planet which is weird as fuck. The use Data's knowledge of topographical maps to return to the exact place he was discovered. It's a rock outcropping on a sound stage! Back in the day Data was randomly laying out in the open here on this very sound stage and some beacon turned him on when the Starfleet crew arrived. That's some good plot dumping about Data. While Data's dumping all this plot on us, Geordi is hard at work using V.I.S.O.R. to scope the rock outcropping. There's apparently a hidden door in the rocks that Geordi opens up. The crew goes down a secret corridor into a underground base. The underground base is pretty much what you'd expect to find in a 24th(?) century underground base built into a rock outcropping. There are some weird sci-fi machines, some shitty kid's artwork on the wall and a room with a smoke machine in it that causes a cloud of smoke to spread out from it when the door is opened, but more about that later. Riker presses Data for information about the base. He says he doesn't know what the children's drawings are of, but thinks they give off an air of danger. He does however recognize one of the sci-fi machines as being used by a Dr. Nunian Soong. Thankfully Geordi is here to plot dump for us and inform us that Dr. Soong was Earth's foremost expert on robots until he failed to create some kind of robot brain he said he could make and fled Earth in disgrace? Because what he did was a crime? The way the talk about it it seems like it was just that he was shamed, but they also mention Soong traveling under an assumed name so maybe he was doing some real ethically questionable shit. I don't know to be honest. Why am I talking about this? Because thinking about this little throw away line of dialogue is far more interesting than anything else that happened in this episode. Riker sends Worf and Yar to go explore the rest of the base while he, Geordi, and Data walk around the sci-fi lab part of the base. They find some molds that fit perfectly on Data's head as Yar calls Riker and tells him that the rest of the base is completely empty. He tells her to come back. Riker, Geordi, and Data then open the door to the aforementioned smoke machine room and discover a heap of Data parts. It's enough to build another Data. Data is amped as fuck about this discovery and pleads with Riker to bring the parts back to the Enterprise so they can attempt to put him together. We return from commercial break to find a team of engineers and doctors attempting to reassemble Data II from the parts collected from the underground base. The way this scene was shot looks really weird and makes me uncomfortable. That Argyle dude is still the chief engineer or something and he's leading the team reassembling Data II. He determines that "it" (Data II) has the same basic form as Data and asks Data if he can examine him later if he needs to compare the internal circuitry between Data I and Data II. Data seems to be fine with this. Data then goes to talk with Picard, Geordi and Riker in a conference room. They're all being super weird about the fact that Data is a robot or something. If this was a show from the modern era I'd probably say this scene is an allegory for people coming out as LGBT or something, but it's from 1988 so it's probably just to be taken at face value and is a scene in which space explorers are weirded out by the fact that their buddy is a robot. Data is summoned back to the laboratory by Dr. Beverly Crusher and Argyle. They need to compare Data's parts to those of Data II so they can try to finish assembling Data II. Data shows Dr. Beverly Crusher where his off switch is and then makes her promise to keep it a secret. "If you had an off switch, doctor… would you not keep it secret?" he asks her. She tells him that she won't tell a soul and then she and Argyle knock Data the fuck out and cut him open so that they can compare his internal circuitry with that of Data II. The operation apparently was a success and they close the Datas back up and wait. Riker and Picard arrive to check on the two Datas. Data II is still knocked the fuck out and Picard is like, "I wonder which of these two robots were made first." Data II suddenly opens his eyes and tells Picard that, Data I was and then introduces himself as Lore rather than Data II and says that he was created to replace Data who their creator deemed to be imperfect. Coming out of the commercial break we check in with Picard who is pressing Data for information about Lore: "How smart is he? How strong is he? Does he have all the same features as you? Could he also fuck a space lesbian infected with a nasty fuck plague?" Data says that they seem to be more or less equal in all those areas. Picard then asks Data where his loyalties lie when push comes to shove. Data tells Picard that he is loyal to Picard and Starfleet above all else. They then leave Picard's office and walk onto the bridge where Wesley Crusher and Geordi LaForge are explaining how to fly the Enterprise to Lore. These guys are dumb as fuck. Like Lore is just some random-ass robot that they found and know nothing about. He's not a Starfleet officer or anything so he had no business being on the bridge. Riker then starts talking about the Pythagorean theorem for some reason and Lore finishes the equation save for the word "sides." He randomly trails off and is like, "I've never heard of that random-ass math formula you just mentioned." His face gets all twitchy and Lore proclaims that he likes to please humans. Later he and Data are walking in the hall. Data tells Lore that Riker tricked him into revealing that Lore knew more than he was pretending to know. Lore's like, "Whatever man, humans are dumb as fuck! That cat didn't realize shit!" Data tells Lore not to underestimate humans but Lore is like, "Whatever dude, you're just jealous of how good I am at pleasing humans!" They then go to Data's quarters where Data looks up information about Dr. Soong. Lore mocks Dr. Soong for being "often wrong," and then mocks Data for trying to mimic humans but being shitty at it. Data asks him which of them were really made first and Lore admits that he was built first but he was too perfect and the colonists got jealous and asked Soong for a less perfect android and so Soong built Data. Lore talks about how much better he is at understanding humans especially their language and humor and then says that unlike Data he's able to use contractions. This is a motherfucking lie. Data has, on several occasions in the episodes I've seen, used contractions without having smoke come out of his earholes while he screams, "DOES NOT COMPUTE!" Lore then asks when he'll get a cool ass uniform like Data. Data tells him that he'll have to go to Starfleet Academy for four years and then serve on various ships for a number of years. Lore mocks him for lowering himself to human's limited level and doing things by the books. He then implores Data to join him and absorb the knowledge of every living thing in the universe but Data's like, "I gotta go to work man," and gets up to leave. Lore asks if he can fuck around on Data's computer and Data's like, "Yeah man whatever, just also write a report about what happened to all those colonists," seemingly not caring about the fact that his brother seems to be plotting to take over the universe. Up on the bridge, Picard and Riker analyze Lore's report and together with the shitty children's drawings determine that everything on the planet was killed by a Crystalline Entity that eats life. They further surmise that the only reason Data and Lore survived was because they weren't turned on at the time. Aren't they robots and thus not imbued with the spark of life that all living things posses? Maybe they were just being kind to Data. Who knows? Yar then informs Picard that Lore has left Data's chambers and gone to deck four where he's gathered some weird shit. Data tells her that the stuff Lore has gathered is the robot equivalent of a topical cream and a couple of aspirins but Picard has Data go check on Lore anyway. After Data leaves, Yar asks Picard is Data can be trusted. Everyone gets a look of, "OH SHIT DID YOU JUST SAY THAT!?" except for Picard who tells her that he trusts Data completely and then tells all the shocked crew members that Yar's question was a legitimate security question so to knock it off with the gawking. Down in Data's quarters, Lore is popping some champagne. He pours a couple glasses and then puts something into one. They rap with each other for a bit and the Lore offers Data a glass of champagne to commemorate this momentous event. Data immediately starts glitching out and then collapses on the floor. With Data knocked the fuck out, Lore cuts a Bond Villain promo and reveals all his evil plans to his unconscious brother. He explains that he learned to communicate with the Crystalline Entity and lead it to the colonists to get revenge on them for their jealousy and now he's going to do the same thing to the Enterprise! DUN DUN DUUUUUUN! Back on the bridge the crew detects a subspace communication coming from Data's quarters. Picard tells Wesley Crusher to go check it out. Back in Data's quarters, Lore, now dressed as Data is communicating with the Crystalline Entity and tells the Entity that they will know him as Data. Wesley Crusher enters and sees Data (now dressed in Lore's gear) knocked the fuck out on the floor. Lore (pretending to be Data) tells Wesley that "Lore" attacked him so he had to switch him off. His face then twitches and Wesley's like, "Hey your face is twitching like Lore's." "Data" tells him that he's been practicing and Wesley is like, "You shouldn't copy anything Lore does. He seems like a real bad dude." "Data's" like, "Sure whatever, I'm going up to the bridge in a second." Wesley then leaves and once he's gone, Lore uses a laser to burn his twitch off his face. He then uses the same laser to give Data a facial tick. Up on the bridge, Dr. Beverly Crusher asks Wesley what was going on in Data's quarters. He tells her that Lore attacked Data so Data turned him off. Dr. Beverly Crusher is like, "Hmmm...that's weird as fuck that he told you he turned his brother off because he wanted to keep the fact that he had an on/off switch secret earlier in this very episode." "Data" then arrives on the bridge and Dr. Beverly Crusher is like, "Yo man I thought you wanted to keep your on/off switch secret." "Data" tells her, "I thought it would be fine if all the bridge crew knew about my weakness. Shrug." Geordi is suddenly like, "YO DUDES! A UFO IS APPROACHING AT HIGH SPEEDS! I THINK IT'S A MOTHERFUCKIN' CRYSTALLINE ENTITY!" A Crystalline Entity is hauling ass towards the Enterprise as we go to commercial break! Back from commercials, Picard is like, "Yo we need to talk to Lore about this Crystalline Entity shit. Data can you go talk to him about this shit?" Picard tells "Data" and Wesley to go talk to "Lore" but Wesley starts spouting off about how he doesn't trust Data and/or Lore. Picard and Riker are both like, "Wesley, you're a fucking ensign. You shouldn't get so lippy to ranking officers!" Picard then tells Riker to go with them to make sure Wesley doesn't fuck shit up. Down in Data's quarters, "Data" goes over to "Lore" to attempt to rouse him from being knocked the fuck out. He flicks the on/off switched rapidly, causing the real Data to jerk and shake. "OH FUCK! HE'S TOTALLY OUT OF CONTROL!" screams "Data," at Riker and Wesley, "HE CAN SENSE THAT YOU'RE HERE! PLEASE GO AND I'LL TRY TO CALM HIM DOWN!" Riker's like, "That seems completely reasonable," and leaves with Wesley. As soon as they're gone, Lore boots Data repeatedly in the dome causing his head to split open revealing the circuitry within. Back on the bridge, Riker tells Picard what happened down in Data's quarters, but Wesley Crusher is still being lippy and is like, "Dudes, it looked fake as fuck!" Everyone rolls their eyes at him as the Crystalline Entity hits the Enterprise, wrecking shop on the shields. At that moment, "Data" comes onto the bridge and tells Picard that he thinks he might be able to communicate with the Crystalline Entity. Picard tells "Data" to, "Make it so," but "Data" doesn't understand what "Make it so," means on account of not actually being "Data," so Picard tells him to, "Do it!" "Data" gets on the horn and tells the Crystalline Entity that Humans are hella powerful and can wreck shop on it. This apparently works because the Crystalline Entity backs away. "Data" then tells Picard that they should teleport a big-ass tree into space or something and blow it up to show the Crystalline Structure exactly how powerful they are. Picard thinks this is a dick-fucking awesome idea and sends "Data" to go take care of business. "Data" then leaves to T.C.B. and Wesley starts back up with his bullshit and tries to convince Picard that "Data" is actually Lore in disguise. Picard is completely sick of Wesley's shit at this point and tells him, "SHUT UP WESLEY!" in the second best moment of Season 1 up to this point (Wesley getting bayonetted was better).  All the same, Picard tells Worf to get some security dudes and go peep what "Data" is up to. Dr. Beverly Crusher then repeats, "Shut up Wesley?" unable to believe that Captain Picard just said what all of us at home were thinking. Picard is like, "You know what, the two of you can get the fuck off my bridge." Dr. Beverly Crusher is all sad that she's getting kicked off the bridge, but Picard's like, "No, I just want you to talk your dumbass boy home and watch him so he doesn't do anymore stupid shit." Wesley Crusher then is like, "Since I am finished here, may I point out that everything I said would have been listened to, if it came from an adult officer!" This is a pretty good "fuck off I'm quitting this job" mic drop, but coming from a know-it-all boy genius it comes off as obnoxious. Dr. Beverly Crusher, not wanting her son to dig an even deeper hole also implores him to, "Shut up Wesley." It's also good, though less good than Picard's command to "Shut up Wesley."  Elsewhere on the Enterprise, Worf and some security dudes are strolling down a hall. The spot Lore getting into an elevator and Worf gets in with him. As soon as Worf is in, Lore orders the doors to close, trapping the other security dudes out in the hall. "Now, show me your warrior fierceness!" Lore says. Worf decks Lore in the face but Lore no sells it and then blasts Worf in the gut, knocking him the fuck out. Meanwhile, Wesley Crusher has someone managed to convince his mother that he knows what the fuck he's talking about and gotten her to go with him to Data's quarters instead of taking him home. They find the real Data lying on the floor with his head split open. Dr. Beverly Crusher uses the on/off switch to turn Data back on. She asks him if he's hurt badly. He is not. He tells her that they need to go to the cargo bay to stop Lore. The trio of unlikely heroes then sneak into the cargo bay where they overhear Lore talking to the Crystalline Entity. Lore sees Data and "the troublesome little man-child," Wesley and threatens to murder the shit out of Wesley. Dr. Beverly Crusher, hearing her son once again threatened with death, busts out of her hiding place with her laser gun drawn, but Lore attacks and easily disarms her. Lore, now wielding Dr. Beverly Crusher's laser gun tells her to, and I quote, "Back off… or I'll turn your little man into a torch." Dr. Beverly Crusher bails, but Lore has a parting gift for her, a blast from a laser gun that sets the sleeve of her lab coat on fire. Data then runs all up ons and karate chops the laser out of Lore's hand. The two robots begin to brawl and immediately start hucking barrels at each other like a couple of Donkey Kongs.  Eventually Data judo throws Lore onto the the teleporter. Lore grabs a laser gun and as he fires, Wesley teleports him out into the vast nothingness of space. Picard, Riker, Yar and a now jacketless Dr. Beverly Crusher rush back in to the cargo bay. They're spoiling for a fight, but Wesley Crusher informs them that "Lore's gone sir...PERMANENTLY!" Of course he'd be proven wrong since Lore showed back up in at least one episode and there was also another evil twin of Data in one of the Star Trek: The Next Generation movies that I don't think was actually Lore but was also an evil twin, but there are all crosses to bear at a later date and the only reason I bring them up now is because fucking know-it-all Wesley Crusher is WRONG and that makes me happy...even if it means I have to suffer through another Lore episode. Anyway, the Crystalline Entity then just leaves for some reason even though its entire raison d'être was to eat all humans. Riker is like, "I guess it can't figure out how to get to us without Lore's help or some shit!" Picard then tells Data to get rid of the damn facial tick that Lore lasered onto him and to put on a proper uniform since they have to go overhaul the computers or something. Was that the mission they were actually on before all this other shit happened? They had to take the Enterprise into the shop for repairs and nearly got eaten by a Crystalline Entity? Talk about a rough day at the office! How Rikered Was Riker?He was completely in control of his faculties here. No chair domination or eye fucking of coworkers or anything of that ilk from our man Riker today. Data, however, had one too many and got fucking KOed by a single glass of space champagne. Final ThoughtsWere it not for the fact that two different people told Wesley Crusher to "Shut up!" I would rank this as one of the worst episodes of Star Trek I've seen since I began this fool's errand. All in all it was a boring episode with a done to death trope (the evil twin) serving as the central conceit where once again Boy Genius Wesley Crusher knew everything and saved the day and to make matters even worse no one even fucked in it. Five thumbs down out of a possible five. Fuck CountWe're in a bit of a slump it seems with yet another episode completely devoid of any fucking. I mean, there's not even any eye fucking going on here. Bad episode, everyone's fault. Total Fucks for Episode: 0 Total Fucks for Season: 4 Total Fucks for Series: 4
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Post by Prole Hole on Jul 11, 2019 7:47:03 GMT -5
It is, indeed, the 24th century.
I hate this episode. The only people who got fucked were the audience. I intensely dislike Brent Spiner's non-Data characters on Star Trek, and fucking Wesley saves the day. Plus, Bland Bev loses one of her blue space cardigans! The whole thing is an outrage.
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Post by Nudeviking on Jul 11, 2019 8:03:30 GMT -5
It is, indeed, the 24th century. I hate this episode. The only people who got fucked were the audience. I intensely dislike Brent Spiner's non-Data characters on Star Trek, and fucking Wesley saves the day. Plus, Bland Bev loses one of her blue space cardigans! The whole thing is an outrage. R.I.P. Dr. Beverly Crusher's space cardigan. |
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Post by Jimmy James on Jul 11, 2019 9:04:41 GMT -5
Regarding baseball on DS9, that’s pretty consistently treated as a a weird hobby/interest for Sisko to be into. Even the “teams” that exist I think are supposed to be more akin to historical re-enacters. To everyone else on DS9, this is what Captain Sisko seems like:
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Post by Mr. Greene's October Surprise on Jul 11, 2019 18:25:37 GMT -5
Regarding baseball on DS9, that’s pretty consistently treated as a a weird hobby/interest for Sisko to be into. Even the “teams” that exist I think are supposed to be more akin to historical re-enacters. To everyone else on DS9, this is what Captain Sisko seems like:
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Post by Superb Owl 🦉 on Jul 11, 2019 20:40:46 GMT -5
It is, indeed, the 24th century. I hate this episode. The only people who got fucked were the audience. I intensely dislike Brent Spiner's non-Data characters on Star Trek, and fucking Wesley saves the day. Plus, Bland Bev loses one of her blue space cardigans! The whole thing is an outrage. Lore, a character so bad he made a Borg 2-part episode terrible and indirectly introduced the absolute worst aspect of the TNG movies |
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Post by Mr. Greene's October Surprise on Jul 11, 2019 20:49:36 GMT -5
It is, indeed, the 24th century. I hate this episode. The only people who got fucked were the audience. I intensely dislike Brent Spiner's non-Data characters on Star Trek, and fucking Wesley saves the day. Plus, Bland Bev loses one of her blue space cardigans! The whole thing is an outrage. Lore, a character so bad he made a Borg 2-part episode terrible and indirectly introduced the absolute worst aspect of the TNG movies |
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