Star Trek: The Next Generation - S01E01~02 - Encounter at Farpoint
While countless others have reviewed Star Trek: The Next Generation, there has never before, at least to my knowledge, been a comprehensive study to determine which character on Star Trek: The Next Generation fucked the most. It's a surprisingly horny show so I'm certain that anyone who's seen it has a theory or a guess as to who most often boldly went where no one had gone before, but are these theories accurate? That's what I'm setting out to discover.
So here we go with the first episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation, Encounter at Farpoint. This episode first aired on September 28, 1987 and since it was a two hour episode, I got to stay up past my bedtime to see the conclusion to it as a seven year old. I'm pretty sure that there's still a VHS cassette of this episode taped off my local Fox affiliate from this first broadcast in my parent's basement.
Preexisting PrejudicesAs a seven year old who liked sci-fi shit, this episode was entertaining enough that Star Trek: The Next Generation became a show I watched religiously, but when I saw it again in reruns while in college, I recall it (and a lot of the first season for that matter) sucking. College was a long time ago though and I've not seen this episode since then so maybe it's not as bad as I was remembering it. If I weren't doing scientific research and just rewatching TNG for my own personal enjoyment, I'd probably skip the bulk of the first season, but I don't want to skew my data by doing so. So here we go.
Plot Synopsis
Did Star Trek: TNG episodes always have title cards or is this something that got added for DVDs and shit? I really don't recall them ever having titles pop up after the opening credits but in this instance we get a helpful little title card.
We get a Captain's Log where Picard does a voiceover of the plot hook that's leading to this particular episode's adventure. They have to go to some kind of planet where there's a mysterious space-base called Farpoint or some shit.
On the bridge Picard tells the crew that when they go talk to the people responsible for Farpoint they also have to snoop around. Data, an android, somehow does not know what the word "snoop" means. Suddenly the Enterprise encounters a weird space-fence and all kinds of alarm klaxons start wailing.
"Shut off that damn noise!" scream Picard. This does not seem like a very good thing for a captain of a spaceship to shout about alarm bells.
Space-Loki (aka Q) shows up on the bridge of the enterprise in a dodgy wig to do some trickster god shit. He thinks that humans are gross savages and doesn't want them to go past the space fence. He randomly turns not-Geordi LaForge (some cat that I guess is named Torres or something) into ice with trickster god powers.
Q and Picard yell shit at each other and Q changes his costumes a few times, first to a WW2 military officer and then to some kind of cokefiend in a weird anorak that is apparently some kind of Earth military uniform from the time between these, our modern times, and the time of Star Trek: The Original Series. I want an entire Star Trek series about this time I think when dudes strolled about in dumb looking parkas snorting coke and doing savage battle.
Eventually Q leaves and Picard decides to attempt to ram the space-fence or something. So they go spaceshipping towards it but it turns into a ball of light that is also apparently Q. Picard decides to separate the top part of the ship from the bottom and orders all the families to evacuate with Worf and we get our first look at the futuristic man-skirts of The Next Generation of humanity.
Picard and his dudes, minus Worf who is in charge of the flying saucer part of the Enterprise, head down to the GODDAMN BATTLE BRIDGE to attempt to do battle with the ball of light/space-fence/Q. They are joined by O'Brien who they call, Khan or something so maybe it's like that one episode of SVU where the actress who would become a prosecutor in a later season is a sex criminal in that it's the same actor but a different character or something. I don't know.
Anyway the saucer separates and the Battle Bridge shits photon torpedoes out of the Enterprise's butthole at the ball of light but it's no good and the Ball of Light overtakes them and Picard bellows that he surrenders unconditionally. The crew (minus Khan/O'Brien) are then teleported to some weird place.
Picard declares it to be "mid-21st century...the post-atomic horror," which in 2019 I'm pleased to say that we're well on our way to. Everyone is gross and in rags and shit. There are a bunch of little people for some reason. A racist as fuck looking dude with a Fu Machu mustache appears and tells everyone to rise for the judge. Q shows up on some weird floating palanquin thing.
There are a bunch of coke-fiend parka soldiers here and they get into some shit with space-lesbian, Natasha Yar. Yar does space-karate on one of the parka dudes and Q gets pissed off and has another parka dude kill his co-worker and says that no one will harm the accused until after the trial because I guess humanity is on trial for being shitty.
Picard is all like, "The Nu UN ruled that humanity can't be put of trial for past shittiness!" which is very much a law that human beings in an intergalactic society would try to get passed.
Q tells him that because they're in the 21st century or some shit that law doesn't exist yet so they're going to have to answer for all the shit humanity has done throughout human civilization. Q then gets pissed off at Yar for shooting her mouth off and ices here but then defrosts her a moment later when Picard's like, "Yo mang you said no one would hurt us until after this trial thing!"
The racist Fu Manchu guy then hands Picard an iPad and tells him to read off the crimes he's been accused of. Picard's like, "There are no crimes." He then makes some kind of deal with Q where if Picard can prove that humans of The Next Generation aren't scumfucks, Q will have to let them go. Q seems cool with this because he's a trickster god and probably has some sort of loophole all planned out already.
Meanwhile on whatever planet Farpoint is on, Commander Riker is meeting with a space wizard I guess. Riker asks for an apple and then apples suddenly appear. I'm very confused how Riker got here since there was a space fence. The Hood or whatever the other spaceship was called had no problem getting to the Farpoint planet at all. So I'm perplexed.
After rapping with the space wizard, Riker goes outside and sees Dr. Beverly Crusher and her dumbass boy, Wesley Crusher. Riker wants to fuck Dr. Beverly Crusher. I don't blame him. She doesn't seem that interested in him though because this is still Riker Without Beard.
They all go to the mall and more space magic happens. Geordi then shows up to report something to Riker and Riker's a dick to him because he didn't delivery a message with the proper level of respect and deference or some shit. Geordi does it the right way and tells Riker that the Captain of the Enterprise wants to see him posthaste so Riker gets beamed up.
On the Enterprise Yar takes Riker to see Picard. Picard makes Riker watch the first 10 minutes of this episode and heads off. After watching the first 10 minutes of the episode Riker meets with Picard who is a dick to him and tells him to go manually reattach the flying saucer part of the Enterprise even though the entire process is apparently automated.
Riker knows his shit though and reattaches the two spaceship chunks. He then goes back to rap with Picard who is like, "Yo, you didn't follow your last Captain's orders. WTF dude?"
Riker's all like, "He wanted to go down to the planet and would have totally died. It's my duty to make sure the Captain lives even if it's because of his own dumbness that he's going to die in the first place."
Picard's like, "Cool I guess. Help me so I don't make an ass of myself in front of small children, because there's a shit ton of small children on this ship...a plot point that I'm pretty sure gets dropped along with the man skirts in later seasons."
Meanwhile in the medical bay Geordi's getting a check up. Apparently his visor is fucking him up and he's in constant pain because of it. This is another plot point that I don't remember existing in later seasons at all but maybe it's way he eventually loses his visor in whatever episode that happens in.
Riker goes out to the bridge of the Enterprise and it is clear that he wants to fuck the Enterprise itself. He's looking for Data but Data's dealing with a persnickety Admiral or something.
SPECIAL GUEST STAR!!
Dr. McCoy from the original series is old as fuck and is the Admiral that Data is dealing with. He yells junk like, "Hold it right there boy!" Was Bones always a racist hillbilly? I don't remember that character trait from the original series. He tells Data to treat the Enterprise like a lady. This might be sexual but I can't tell.
Back on the bridge Q appears on the TV. Worf jumps out of his chair and is going to shoot the TV. Picard tells him to calm the fuck down but Riker's like "Good hustle out there buddy!"
Q tells Picard that they have 24 hours to solve the mystery of Farpoint or something. I don't even know.
Riker then eyeballs Troi. He wants to fuck her. Apparently they have a past and can do telepathy with each other. They head back down to the planet with Picard to talk to the space wizard who gets pissed off that they brought a telepath with them. She's only a half-telepath or something so the space wizard's cool with it. Troi does telepathy and feels PAIN! Something's rotten at Farpoint!
The space wizard's like, "Look, if you guys don't want this awesome space base we somehow built I'm sure the Ferengi will."
Picard is like, "They'll probably eat you dude!"
Back on the Enterprise, Riker is still looking for Data. Ensign Some-Random-Lady shows Riker how to use Siri. Riker eyefucks her as she shows him how to use it. As he walks off to find Data the Ensign stares longingly at Riker's ass.
We then get our first trip to the Holodeck. Riker finds Data attempting to whistle. They talk for a bit and Riker's racist against androids. They then head out and encounter Wesley Crusher who is a dope and falls into a river. They all leave and encounter Picard in the hall.
Wesley is dripping water all over the place so Picard's a dick to him. Wesley's like, "I'll get something to wipe this water up with I gues..."
Later, a besweatered Wesley Crusher is bothering his mom at work. He wants to go look at the bridge. He's also scared of Picard which is funny. His mom says that she'll see what she can do for him.
Meanwhile back at the mall on whatever that planet is called a crew of Star Trekkers are going to go snooping around the space base. Riker tells Geordi, "Geordi, I want your eyes down there." Man Riker's a huge douchebag! The dude's eyes are totally fucked man! You don't need to rub it in.
They head into some underground tunnels where Data declares, "I can't see as well as Geordi..." man Riker's been with him for a few hours and is already having a terrible influence on him.
Troi feels MORE PAIN down in the tunnels as the crew continues to aimlessly wander around down there.
Back on the Enterprise Picard screams, "WHAT THE HELL?! CHILDREN ARE NOT ALLOWED ON THE BRIDGE!" because Dr. Beverly Crusher brought her boy Wesley Crusher with her to the bridge.
TECHNICALLY he's not on the bridge though, he's just standing in the elevator, which is called a Turbolift in The Next Generation. The Turbolifts are all labeled as thus. Is this a thing that was just a weird thing in a pilot episode that ceased being a thing later on or am I just forgetting how goofy some of this shit was?
Anyway, adorable moppet, Wesley Crusher causes Picard's Grinch heart to grow three sizes that day and Picard lets him onto the bridge. Wesley sits in the Captain's chair and then a weird spaceship shows up and Picard yells at Wesley for being a know-it-all. Picard calls the space wizard (who has the dick-fucking awesome name of Groppler Zorn or some shit) to ask him if he was expecting company.
Groppler was not.
The weird ship is apparently 12 times the volume of the Enterprise. It causes a weird pink light to happen which I guess was some kind of scan. It then begins lasering the fuck out of the planet that Farpoint is on but it's only bombing the Old City, not Farpoint.
On the planet the crew emerges from the tunnels and Riker has everyone beamed back to the Enterprise except for Data. Picard then asks Riker, "Would you object to your captain ordering a clearly illegal kidnapping?" Riker is cool with kidnapping Groppler and heads into the Old City with Data to do so.
On the Enterprise, Q is once again, all up in this mug. He mocks Picard some more while Picard tells Worf to try to put the Enterprise between the weird spaceship and the planet. Worf can't though because the controls to the ship are fucked.
Back in the Old City Riker and Data were hit by rubble or something. Data sits up like the Undertaker and then he and Riker laser a door down to find Groppler Zorn hiding under his desk crying. Before they can kidnap him though Groppler gets teleported away. Riker wonders if Q is responsible.
Back on the Enterprise, Q is like, "Y'all are dumb as fuck! Can't you figure out what's going on here?"
Troi is like, "That weird spaceship is hella satisfied right now."
Riker and Data return to the Enterprise and go onto the bridge. Q continues to mock Picard for being shitty at his job and tries to get him to go onto the weird spaceship. Riker's like, "Whatever mang, I'll go!" and he leaves with a team for the weird spaceship.
In a scene that feels very out of place for where it comes in the episode, Picard goes to Dr. Beverly Crusher's office to apologize for being a dick to Wesley. He then tells her that if she wants to transfer to another ship because he reminds her of her dead husband he'll gladly transfer her. She tells him that she asked to be assigned to the Enterprise so Picard's like, "Okay, cool."
Meanwhile on the weird ship it's the same tunnels as the subterranean tunnels of Farpoint. The away team find Groppler Zorn getting torture by spacelights. Riker and Data shoot lasers at the space lights and Groppler falls onto a bed. The weird ship starts freaking the fuck out.
Over on the Enterprise Q returns to be a dick while Picard tries to get his dudes off the weird spaceship. Q tells Picard his time is up and Picard begs him to save his dudes, promising to do whatever Q wants in return. Before Q can do anything though the away team and Groppler appear on the bridge. They were teleported back by the weird spaceship itself.
The weird spaceship then transforms into a giant space jellyfish and Picard's like, "Oh fuck, Groppler you captured this thing's mate." Picard raises his eyebrows suggestively when he says "mate."
Picard explains exactly what happened: Groppler captured a space jellyfish, fed it just enough energy to keep it alive and then used it's transforming powers to make apples, and bolts of cloth, and a space base and shit. Groppler is shitty.
The Enterprise shoots a beam at the space base and it busts free and turns into another space jellyfish. It leaves the planet and meets its mate and they hold tentacles. Troi declares that there was a feeling of great joy from the space jellyfish.
Picard tells Q to fuck off and Q's like, "Okay, I'll fuck off for now, but I'll be back for another episode later."
It's revealed that they'll rebuild Farpoint without using a giant space jellyfish and then the Enterprise blasts off to adventure to end the episode(s).
Final ThoughtsAs a debut episode of the show I guess this did an adequate job of being the first episode of a show in that it introduced the main characters and explained the central conceit of the show. I think the actual storyline of this particular episode wasn't that good though. The story seemed far better suited for an episode later in this season, particularly the stuff with Q since he's too weird an antagonist to have show up from the jump. I think the episode probably would have worked better as a debut episode if it had just been the Farpoint shit with Q's plot done as a separate episode. That would have taken care of the "How did the Hood get past the space fence?" plot hole and probably would have cut the run time down to a normal 45 minutes.
But under the auspices of this study, none of that leads to this episode being a shitty episode. No dear readers, what makes this episode suck is the fact that it provided zero data points for my study into which Star Trek: The Next Generation character fucked the most since there was no fucking outside of Riker eye-fucking that one lady which doesn't actually count. The next episode is titled "The Naked Now," so hopefully the fucking picks up.
Fuck Count
Absolutely no fucking occurred in this episode.
