Star Trek: TNG - An In-Depth Analysis of Who Boned the Most

Its a very good category to add especially since a running theme of the episode I just watched was the fact that Riker was somehow able to function normally while under the effects of a fuck plague that made everyone act like drunk college kids.

Star Trek: The Next Generation - S01E03 - The Naked Now

After a rather inauspicious beginning to my research as to who fucked the most in Star Trek: The Next Generation, we're back with an episode that I hope proves to be a bit more insightful: The Naked Now. This episode first aired on October 5, 1987 which means I would have been all of seven years old when I first watched an episode about a space lesbian catching the fuck plague and subsequently fucking a robot.

Preexisting Prejudices
To be completely honest, this episode is one of the main reasons I decided to begin conducting this research (the other is an episode from much later on where a Riker sends a stressed out Picard to Planet Fuck Resort and all Picard wants to do is read a book).

I only very vaguely remember the plot but am pretty sure that Data fucks here and if he does we get the first instance of him declaring himself to be "fully functional." HE'S TALKING ABOUT A ROBOCOCK PEOPLE!

Trigger Warning!
Before I crack wise about a sci-fi show from the late 80s and tally the total number of times people fuck in this particular episode of that show, I'd like to warn you that this episode briefly talks about sexual assault. If you think that sort of discussion might cause you undue distress you might want to skip this one.

Plot Synopsis
This here episode begins with a cold open in which the Enterprise is steaming towards some sort of sun that's about to explode or something specifically because a science ship named the Tchaikovsky or something sent out a weird-ass distress call in which a drunk as fuck sounding lady asks if the Enterprise has any cute boys on board. The message ends with a weird explosion that Data says is the sound of an escape hatch being blown.

Lead cute boy, Riker, puts together an away team with cute boys Data, Geordi LaForge, and not-a-boy, Tasha Yar to go investigate the Tchaikovsky. As they head out, Worf tells Picard that there's no signs of life on the ship.

The away team beam onto the Tchaikovsky, to hear alarm bells blaring. No one on the team yells about stopping that "damn noise" so already they're better suited to be space captains than Picard. The corridors of the Tchaikovsky are completely fucked with trash all over the goddamn place. Data says that the mess is consistent with the sort of mess left behind by a "wild party."

They then discover a monitor that indicates that an escape hatch was "blown" and everyone got sucked out into space. Data is a grammar-Nazi and corrects Riker stating that the hatch was "blown out." Everyone on the Tchaikovsky has apparently been sucked out into space.

Yar then phones Riker and tells him that not everyone was sucked into space. She's discovered a heap of nearly-nude people completely frozen after venting all the heat into outer-space. Man did Season 1 of TNG love the special effect of making someone appear to be completely frozen by covering them in white fuzzy shit. Two episodes in and we're two for two for people being frozen solid.

Geordi wanders into some room and finds more nearly-nude Popsicle people. He then opens a closet or something and a random frozen lady falls out onto him. She's also dead. Riker calls the Enterprise and informs them that everyone on board is totally corpsed up. TALK ABOUT A COLD OPEN!

We then get that good old "Space. The final frontier," intro. As I watch this in 2019 I wondered if scummy douchelords back in 1987 got all pissy over the fact that TNG changed "to boldly go where no man has gone before" part to "to boldly go where no one has gone before." Were there conservative "think-pieces" about how this was an attack on masculinity or were people just like, "Yeah that makes sense since half the crew is women?" If I didn't have a very specific investigation to undertake here I might go searching for reviews from 1987 to see what people thought of that change at the time, but I do so I won't. That being said if you, dear reader, wishes to present data as to whether or not people in 1987 were nominally less terrible about gender-issues in popular culture than they are in 2019 I would be most appreciative.

Anyway back to sci-fi! On the Enterprise in the sickbay, Picard, Troi and Dr. Beverly Crusher are examining the data collected by the away team of very cute boys while those said-same very cute boys undergo decontamination. Picard asks Troi if it was madness, hysteria, or delusion and Troi's like, "It can be three things..."

Later on, and also in the sickbay, Dr. Beverly Crusher is examining Data. She tells him that if he were more perfect she'd write about him in a Starfleet medical textbook. Data replies that he's already been written about in several bio-mechanical textbooks or something. Dr. Beverly Crusher is like, "Okay, whatever mang," and Data leaves.

Dr. Beverly Crusher then examines Geordi LaForge. All his tests come back clean, but she's like, "You're perspiring like a pig man!" and Geordi's like, "THAT'S BECAUSE YOU'VE GOT THE GODDAMN HEAT UP TOO HIGH!"

Riker and Dr. Beverly Crusher are like, "Dude, WTF?" and Geordi is like, "It wasn't me yelling. It was Dr. Beverly Crusher doing ventriloquist shit."

Again Riker and Dr. Beverly Crusher are like, "Dude, WTF?" Geordi uses every racist's favorite defense for when they're called out for being a racist and says, "It was just a joke," and Dr. Beverly Crusher is like, "Dude there's clearly something wrong with you. You need to stay here so I can run some more tests on you."

Back on the bridge, Riker goes to Data to ask him to look up something he once read about someone taking a shower while fully clothed that Geordi's discovery on the Tchaikovsky reminded him of. Data says he can look it up but it will take several hours to go through all the Starfleet databases which means he's not as good as AskJeeves.com circa ten years after this show first aired.

Data asks Riker if he thought that Dr. Beverly Crusher thought he was boasting about being in bio-mechanical text books. Riker's like, "The fuck if know man just find out about never-nudes showering for me." Data continues by saying that Dr. Beverly Crusher could look him up in the texts if she didn't believe him.

Back in the sickbay, Dr. Beverly Crusher is running some more tests on Geordi. She goes back to her office to check something on her computer and while she's gone, Geordi sits up, takes off his cellphone badge and then walks out of the sickbay because apparently Dr. Beverly Crusher is the only medical official on the Enterprise and no one was there to prevent him from wandering off.

When Dr. Beverly Crusher goes out to check on Geordi again, she finds him to be gone. She looks out in the hall and he's not there either so Dr. Beverly Crusher calls the bridge and is like, "Geordi's wandered off." Tasha Yar says she'll go look for him and Picard tells her to conduct a ship-wide search.

Meanwhile in the Crushers residence Wesley Crusher is showing off some tractor beam he built for his school's science fair. He uses it to move a chair around and Geordi's like, "That's cool as shit dude!"

Wesley's still bummed out that Picard won't let him on the bridge even though he knows everything about spaceships that there is to know about spaceships. Wesley then brings out a futuristic Yak Bak thing that mimics Picard's voice based on things that Picard said over the communication network. Jesus fucking Christ does Wesley Crusher suck...

Geordi thinks his Yak Bak thing is pretty cool though and tells Wesley as much but Wesley is like, "Geordi are you okay?" Geordi tells him that he feels like he's burning up and the room is too hot and then bounces. Wesley's got a look on his face like, "WTF?"

Tasha Yar finds Geordi in a room staring out the window. She tells him that the medical staff was worried about him. While still staring out the window, LaForge tells her that he needs help...help so that he doesn't give into the wild behavior in his mind. What the fuck is he talking about? He tells Tasha that he wants to see again with his own eyes. The security team arrives as Geordi takes off his visor. Tasha tells him that she'll talk to him again later about it and leads him back to the sickbay.

Back in the sickbay Geordi is laying in a bed while Dr. Beverly Crusher and Troi are examining him. Picard and Yar talk about what she saw when she found him. She told him that he was upset about being blind or some shit and wanted to see with his human eyes. Picard's like, "Cool," and then Yar leaves, but before she goes she wipes sweat from her brow because she's got whatever Geordi has. Apparently in The Next Generation, scientists and doctors of medicine don't know how germs work and no one thought to examine Yar before she fucked off.

Picard then walks over to Geordi's bed and Dr. Beverly Crusher is like, "Geordi's got a slight fever but there doesn't seem to be anything else wrong with him."

Picard, who just let someone who came in direct contact with a dude with a mystery disease wander off, is suddenly very concerned about a pandemic breaking out on the Enterprise. Dr. Beverly Crusher tells him that he shouldn't worry because they followed full decontamination protocols. They then ask Troi if she detects anything. She tells them that she detects confusion and that Geordi seems like his drunk as fuck, but Dr. Beverly Crusher tells her that his tests for drugs and/or alcohol came back clean.

Back on the bridge Data is still Googling "person taking a shower in all their clothes," but hasn't yet found what he's looking for. Riker says it's like looking for a needle in a haystack which confuses Data for some reason. Riker explains that it's a figure of speech which some how causes Riker to remember that he had read about people showering in their clothes in a history book about previous Enterprises. Data finds an account of people showering in their clothes aboard the Enterprise from Star Trek: The Original Series as Picard arrives on the bridge.

According to the Original Enterprise's records, during a planetary breakup water mixed with carbon in people's bodies and caused them to get drunk as fuck. Picard has Data download the...uh...data and send it to Dr. Beverly Crusher. Picard then phones up Dr. Beverly Crusher and informs her that he found information about the fuck plague that has be brought aboard the Enterprise as well as a cure and is emailing it to her. Dr. Beverly Crusher is like, "Do you think this is going to work?" and Picard screams, "Absolutely!" Riker and Data then give him a weird look for some reason.

Meanwhile in Deanna Troi's quarters, Troi shows up and finds Tasha Yar going through he bolts of cloth that are apparently clothing in The Next Generation. Troi's like, "Yo! WTF are you doing in here?" and Yar's like, "You always look hot as fuck out of uniform. I want cute boys to look at me like they look at you."

Troi's like, "You don't have to body to pull off wearing a bolt of random-ass cloth."

Troi does X-Men powers and senses that Yar is all kinds of fucked up and tries to comfort her but Yar's just like, "I'm going to the ship's mall. I'm sure they'll have some clothes I can wear in order to get laid," and rolls out. Troi tries to stop her but after saying, "Wait!" is like, "I've done all that I possibly can," and phones up Picard to tell him that Yar's caught fuck plague and is acting like a drunk college student.

Picard replies that Yar "has the equivalent of a snootful," which leads Data to be like "WTF is a snootful?" Picard's just like "Forget it!" and I'm sad because I wanted to know what "having the equivalent of a snootful" means in 21st century English.

Back in sickbay, Dr. Beverly Crusher is hard at work. Her dumbass son, Wesley, calls out from the other room, "MOM! MOM! LOOK AT THIS!" Dr. Beverly Crusher goes out to see what her dumbass boy is doing and finds him using his portable tractor beam to levitate some space-medical chunk. She's like, "Wow that's nice but there's a serious case of fuck plague going around. Why don't you go back to our quarters and stay there so you're safe."

Wesley's like, "Fine, whatever. Also why the fuck is it so hot in here?"

Dr. Beverly Crusher is like "Oh fuck my son has fuck plague!" but before she can stop him from leaving, Picard calls her and asks if she's made a fuck plague cure yet. She has not.

Meanwhile in the hallway a bunch of crew members are getting to first or second base with each other as Tasha Yar sashays through the hall with 900% more ass wiggle than normal. She sees some random dude in a blue jumpsuit and motions him over to her and then shoves her tongue down his throat and probably grabbed his ass and/or cock as well.

Back on the bridge, Data's like "It'll take 41 more minutes to download the rest of the uh...um...data from the Tchaikovsky."

Picard is like, "41 minutes? That download speed is slow as fuck what's going on?!"

Data is like, "Sir, it's 8 months worth of data."

Picard is staring at the sun on the TV and asks Data how bad it would be if the star exploded. Data tells him that they'd be able to outrun any debris from the explosion at "half-impulse." The sun continues to look all kinds of fucked up.

In engineering, Chief Engineer A. Lady and her assistant, Shimoda, are either workin' hard or hardly workin' when a whistle sounds and Picard orders Chief Engineer to the bridge. A moment later the whistle sounds again and Picard orders Shimoda to the sickbay.

Wesley then shows up with Chekov's Yak Bak in his hand and is like, "What's the good word Shimoda?"

Shimoda tells him that he's been summoned to sickbay but if he leaves there will be no one at the Engineering station. Wesley tells him that he can look over it until he gets back and will call Chief Engineer A. Lady if anything wonky happens. Shimoda's like, "I guess a small child can do my job," and leaves. Wesley, looking smug as fuck, folds his arms across his chest and grins.

Chief Engineer A. Lady arrives on the bridge and Picard's like, "What the fuck are you doing here?"

She's like, "You summoned me."

Picard tells her that he did no such thing and needs her down in engineering in case they have to escape an exploding star at the drop of a hat. Suddenly another whistle sounds and Picard's voice comes over the intercom turning over command of the vessel to Acting Captain Wesley Crusher.

Picard cannot believe this shit and is like, "ACTING CAPTAIN WESLEY CRUSHER?!" while over the com we hear Wesley give a speech about how this is a new day for the Enterprise.

Picard orders Chief Engineer A. Lady to go get Engineering back from the archfiend Wesley Crusher. Riker goes with her to help...or maybe because he's got the hots for the Chief Engineer. It's not entirely clear. Worf informs Picard that weird behavior is being reported from all decks and that the ship's training division has ordered all officers to attend a lecture on metaphysics. Is this supposed to be a joke? I feel like it's a joke, but since I'm a person who's doing a study into "Who fucked the most on Star Trek" I'm probably too dumb to get the joke.

I do however get the implied joke that follows when Data reports that he heard an officer in the shuttlebay deliver a limerick that began, "There once was a woman from Venus whose body was shaped like a...(penis)." Before he can finish the limerick he's cut off by Picard who contacts security.

The security officer he reaches tells him to keep his pants on. Picard demands to know where Yar is. Yar answers that she's in her quarters but is busy. I'm not sure if it's being implied here that Yar and the other security guy are fucking or if Picard just has them on a partyline and is talking to them simultaneously while they are in two different locations. Though I want the first to be true I'm leaning towards the later due to the stuff that follows immediately afterwards.

Picard sends Data to go get Yar and bring her to the sickbay. Data leaves to go do that and Picard orders all security supervisors to report to the bridge.

Back in engineering, the Archfiend Wesley Crusher has used Chekov's Portable Tractor Beam to seal himself in engineering while a crowd of horny officers look on from behind his force field and cheer him on. Wesley, taking a page out of every sitcom character running for class president's playbook, declares that as acting captain there will be desserts before and after every meal. The horny officers outside cheer this declaration as they continue to paw at each other.

Shimoda shows back up and tries to enter the engineering area but walks into the force field because he's now got fuck plague too and is drunk as shit. He asks Wesley how he created the force field and Wesley points to Chekov's Portable Tractor Beam and explains that he hooked it up to the ship's power and reversed it so it's now a repulsor beam. Shimoda's like, "That's wicked cool mang!"

Wesley asks Shimoda if he wants to come back in. Shimoda tells him that he does and swears undying loyalty to the Archfiend Wesley Crusher. Wesley turns off the force field to let him back in and then immediately turns it back on leaving the other horny officers out in the hall.

Elsewhere Data goes to Yar's quarters and finds her with some weird hair and some fuck garments on. Data tells her that he needs to take her to sickbay, but she says she doesn't want to go. He tells her to put her uniform back on, but Yar tells him she just got out of it and did so just for him.

Yar then asks Data if he knows how old she was when she was abandoned. Data does not. She was abandoned at five. She learned to survive and to avoid the rape gangs until she escaped when she was fifteen. Rape gangs? Wasn't the universe of Star Trek supposed to be a hopeful one at least with regards to human civilization? Hadn't humanity gotten past all their inherent shittiness which is what allowed them to work together and reach the stars? Like that was the point of the Original Series. You had a racial diverse crew, men and women, Soviets and Americans all equal and working together. Wasn't the entire point of the shit with Q in the last episode that humanity had improved since the Post-Atomic Horror of the 21st Century?

Yar's not an alien. She's a human and she's not from the 21st Century which means that during the "Humans are not a savage, horrible race anymore" era that Picard insisted exists just one episode before this there was a place with roving rape gangs that preyed on children. This one throwaway line might be the most fucked up thing I've heard in any episode of Star Trek.

Climbing down off my soapbox to talk about fictional characters fucking, Yar asks Data how "functional" he is because she wants to fuck. Data informs her that he is fully functional and is programmed in a variety of techniques for her pleasure. Yar is pleased to hear this and brings him into her room for a trip to the bone zone.

AND WE'VE GOT OUR FIRST CONFIRMED FUCK OF THE NEXT GENERATION PEOPLE! AW YE YE!

Down in engineering Riker and Chief Engineer A. Lady are trying to get past the Archfiend Wesley Crusher's force field when Picard calls them. He wants to know what the fuck is going on. They tell him that Shimoda's taken all the chips out of the wall which I guess disabled the ship's computers or some shit. Shimoda's stacking the chips up and tossing them about like a toddler playing with Duplo.

Riker tells Picard that the Archfiend Wesley Crusher has made a force field that's keeping them out. Picard asks if there's a way to short it out. Chief Engineer A. Lady says she thinks there is but it will take some time. Picard is worried about a star exploding and tells them to go for it. As they get to work Troi shows up looking for "Bill." I don't know who the fuck Bill is, but Riker's like, "Yo I gotta deal with this."

Chief Engineer A. Lady's like, "Whatever bro."

Riker tells Troi that she's hammered and that he needs to take her to the sickbay. She says that she just wants to be alone with him as he slings her over his shoulder and heads to the sickbay.

Speaking of the sickbay, Dr. Beverly Crusher has concocted the antidote for the fuck plague. She injects Geordi with it but Geordi's still whining about not being able to really see a rainbow. She goes back into her office to do more medical science as Riker arrives and drops Troi in a bed. He yells for Dr. Beverly Crusher but gets no response so he goes into her office and sees her deep in thought and touches her to get her attention. Dr. Beverly Crusher tells Riker that the antidote didn't work and wonders if the toxin mutated somehow.

She then realizes that Riker's probably infected and that he touched her which means that she's infected too. She tries to get Riker to stay in the sickbay but Riker's got work to do to prevent them from dying via an exploding star. He tells her that she needs to find an antidote and he leaves.

Back on the bridge Picard is talking to the Archfiend Wesley Crusher via videophone. Picard tells Wesley to give him back his ship, but Wesley's like, "Nah man let me help you. Just tell me what you need done and I'll do it." Picard's all like, "That not how it works! Captains control their own goddamn ships you little twerp!" but Wesley's like, "No, captains order people to do something and then those people do it." He wants Picard to give him orders and wonders why Picard has a problem with that.

Worf interrupts and tells Picard that the star is freaking the fuck out. Picard tells him to get ready to haul ass to Lollapalooza and then turns his attention back to the Archfiend Wesley Crusher. Picard calmly explains to Wesley that he's caught the fuck plague that was infecting the Tchaikovsky. Wesley is like, "Oh that's why I feel hot and strange...but also good. Is this like being drunk?"

Picard tells him that it's like being EXTRA DRUNK and Wesley seems to be buying what Picard is selling. He asks Picard what he's going to do when he gets the ship back. Picard tells him that he's going to tow the Tchaikovsky away with a tractor beam. As soon as Picard mentions tractor beams the Archfiend Wesley Crusher is all like, "HOT DIGGITY DAMN! I'M AN EXPERT AT TRACTOR BEAMS! I'LL DO IT!" and then hangs up.

Picard's all like "Fuck this shit," but then the red-shirt sitting next to Worf gets up all sweaty and wanders off while Picard's like, "Khan! Where the fuck are you going?!" It's not O'Brien who was also named Khan in the last episode so maybe Khan is a rank in Starfleet or something. As Khan wanders away Worf is like, "Uh boss, the star is imploding."

Meanwhile down in engineering, the Archfiend Wesley Crusher is trying to get the tractor beam to tow the Tchaikovsky but is having a heck of a time because all the computer chips are still out of the wall. Riker and Chief Engineer A. Lady think that they've come up with a way to get into the engineering office, but the force field holds strong.

Back in the sickbay Dr. Beverly Crusher continues her efforts to devise a cure for the fuck plague. She wipes sweat from her brow and is like "Oh fuck! I've got the goddamn fuck plague too!" She finds it difficult to focus.

Apparently the Archfiend Wesley Crusher does know his shit when it comes to tractor beams for he manages to lock onto the Tchaikovsky. Worf informs Picard of this who attempts to contact Wesley on the videophone to no avail. Data then arrives with the swagger of a man who just fucked a space lesbian. He's contracted the fuck plague as well which confuses Picard since Data's a goddamn robot and shouldn't be susceptible to fuck plagues. Data informs Picard that this is not the case.

Dr. Beverly Crusher shows up in Picard's ready room. She's ready to fuck and starts unzipping her unitard to get her tits out but Picard's all like "This is not the time to bone! We need a goddamn cure!" Picard is having a heckuva time keeping it together and realizes that he too has been infected with fuck plague. Dr. Beverly Crusher leaves and waves goodbye to Picard who returns the gesture and Worf rolls his eyes and calls Riker to tell him that Data and Picard have both contracted fuck plague. Riker tells him that he's on his way and leaves Chief Engineer A. Lady alone to work on cutting the power to Wesley's force field.

SPECIAL GUEST STAR!!

Out in space the star is going fucking wild which cause all kind of alarms to begin sounding on the Enterprise. It then implodes sending a bunch of debris towards the Enterprise including the asteroid from Deep Impact!

Everyone on the bridge is fucking shocked by what they see. Worf tells Picard that the asteroid from Deep Impact is on a collision course with the Enterprise as Riker arrives. Picard tells Worf to haul ass to Lollapalooza but none of the computers work so Worf can't make it so. Riker tries to call the Archfiend Wesley Crusher but Wesley doesn't answer.

Chief Engineer A. Lady finally manages to short out the power to Wesley's stupid force field and rushes in. Riker tells her to turn the power to the ship's engine back on but she sees what Shimoda has done with the computer chips and tells Riker that they need to be replaced. Worf informs everyone that there are 14 minutes until collision and Riker asks A. Lady if that's enough time. It isn't. She'll need a couple hours.

The Archfiend Wesley Crusher is like, "Couldn't Data do it much faster via him being a robot?"

Everyone decides that this plan is crazy enough that it just might work and Riker orders Data to go down to engineering. A moment later Data arrives in engineering and is clearly fuck crazy from the fuck plague. Riker tells him to shut up and get to work. Data begins putting the chips back in and it's in that good sped up film style that Six Million Dollar Man used to use. One time I saw an episode of that show where the Six Million Dollar Man used his robotic powers to play flamenco guitar and he did so so quickly that the guitar burst into flames. It was the greatest thing I ever saw. Nothing here bursts into flames which is kind of a disappointment.

Anyway the Archfiend Wesley Crusher turns on a TV so everyone in engineering can see the asteroid from Deep Impact barreling towards them because Wesley Crusher is the absolute worst. Riker asks Data if he'll be able to finish in time. Data tells him, "No." Riker, normally able to operate at high levels of intoxication, wipes his forehead. The fuck plague has nearly become too much for even a man of his constitution to endure.

Back in Dr. Beverly Crusher's office she continues her work. A drunk-ass Picard comes skipping in and calls her "Bev." She responds by calling him "Jean-Luc" but Picard is like "You will refer to me as Captain," which I'm guessing is the Starfleet equivalent of a dude telling a lady to call him "Daddy."

Dr. Beverly Crusher is slightly less horny and tells him to call her "Chief Medical Officer," and Picard's like, "Oh man WTF? Oh wait I called her Bev first and then she used my name I guess this is on me..." Dr. Beverly Crusher then stands up with a space syringe in her hand but forgets what she's trying to do. Picard's like, "That syringe. Maybe try it on Geordi?"

Down in engineering, Data continues to put chips back in the wall while the Archfiend Wesley Crusher is like, "Look at this cool-ass tractor beam I made!" but everyone's like, "We're going to fucking die you dumb fuck and it's 90% your damn fault." Wesley is like, "Hmmm...I wonder what sort of impish trouble I could cause if this tractor beam was a billion times more powerful?"

Back in the sickbay Dr. Beverly Crusher tries another antidote on Geordi while Picard's chilling out there. Apparently Doctor-Patient Confidentiality isn't a thing in The Next Generation. Geordi almost instantly sits up and is like, "Hey I don't feel drunk anymore!" Dr. Beverly Crusher injects Picard and herself with the same syringe and then gives it to Picard to take down to engineering.

As the asteroid from Deep Impact flies towards them, Wesley suddenly has an idea. What if they were to turn the ship's tractor beam into a repuslor beam. The Chief Engineer lady is like, "That would take fucking forever you dumbass kid!" Wesley's like, "No it won't!" and then begins to work out a solution. Unfortunately he's drunk as fuck and can't think straight.

Picard runs down to engineering with the space syringe. Riker doesn't think that they have enough time to escape the Deep Impact asteroid. While Picard injects those present with the antidote Wesley figures out how to turn the Enterprise's tractor beam into a repulsor beam. They use this repulsor beam to push the Enterprise off the Tchaikovsky and buy Data a few more seconds to put the chips back into the wall.

The asteroid from Deep Impact smashes into the Tchaikovsky causing a massive explosion that merely delays the Deep Impact asteroid which continues to hurdle towards them through the vacuum of space. Data finishes putting chips back in a wall and Riker orders Worf to haul ass to Lollapalooza which he does as the asteroid from Deep Impact just floats off.

Back on the bridge, a now stone-cold sober Geordi wonders what pushed them out of the path of Deep Impact. Worf is like, "I dunno probably Data or some shit," but Picard is like "Yeah it was Data...but Wesley helped too." Worf is like "THE BOY?!" since he absolutely cannot believe that shit. Dr. Beverly Crusher is like, "He said Wesley...not the boy." She's clearly proud as fuck of her dumbass boy.

Back in Engineering Riker says that they're probably going to have to mention Wesley in their log. Picard's all like "Fuck, you're right dude...shit! I guess we can praise his science teacher or something to get around it." Data then gives Wesley a fist bump.

Everything is now back to normal and the crew return to the bridge to continue their space adventures. Yar shows up and tells Data that "it never happened." Data is poleaxed. Picard then opines that the crew of the Enterprise will work out will if they can avoid temptation. I hope, for the sake of my research, that they avoid nothing of the sort.

How Rikered Was Riker?
Over on the old Urban Dictionary there's an entry for the term "Rikered" a fan-term related to a theory that Riker was functional alcoholic and was never not drunk during his space adventures (recorded for time immemorial by our very own Prole Hole ). In this day and age where everyone has a side-hustle I think even very serious academic studies such as this should, on occasion, do some work outside of the scope of their experiment to make a few extra bucks and so from this episode forward I will attempt to determine exactly how Rikered Riker was.

This episode is an interesting case to examine as it more or less proves that the fan-theory is, in fact, accurate. The fuck plague that infected the crew of the Enterprise caused those suffering from it to act as if they were drunk. Riker very clearly becomes infected (there was a musical cue that happened every time someone caught the fuck plague) and yet while everyone else was fucking robots, attempting to get their tits out for bald headed French space captains, turning into a five year old, and suffering from terrible depression, Riker managed to keep it together, and resolve the conflict that had arisen (outside of the fuck plague).

So how Rikered was he here? Based on what everyone else in the crew got up to because of the fuck plague, I'll say he was extremely Rikered here (though not due to actual alcohol...or at least not primarily because of alcohol).

Final Thoughts
According to the IMDb.com entry for this episode, actor Jonathan Frakes (Riker) once called this episode "great" for being, "the episode which we've never done anything quite like where everyone got drunk and horny. That was risky." While I'm not sure I'd agree with his assessment of it being "great" and can't speak to how risky it was to make an episode of a TV show in 1987 where everyone was drunk and horny, he is not wrong in calling it an episode where everyone got drunk and horny.

While there was a metric shit tonne of horniness in this episode only two people actually ended up fucking: Tasha Yar and Data. A lot of people I talk to about Star Trek: The Next Generation use this fuck session as evidence that Tasha Yar is definitely not a space lesbian, but I don't think fucking Data refutes that at all. First off she had caught a case of fuck plague and seemed to regret fucking Data once she'd recovered so fucking him wasn't something she would have done were it not for the fuck plague. Secondly the dude was basically a dildo attached to access to the internet. He might have looked like a man, but he was not actually a man. So until something more concrete than "Yar fucked Data" comes along, I'm still of the mind that she's a space lesbian.

Also Wesley Crusher, Boy Genius, sucks way more than I remembered him sucking. Maybe when he was more of an audience surrogate for me as a seven year old boy child I didn't find him as annoying as I now do that I'm an adult.

Fuck Count
Tasha Yar: +1
Data: +1

Total Fucks for Episode: 2
Total Fucks for Season: 2
Total Fucks for Series: 2

Dude, the thing you're hearing is "conn". It's not a rank so much as the job title of whoever's driving the ship. That's why two different guys have been called that so far. They should have all been sitting in the same seat on the bridge. Wikipedia says "conn" is also spelled cun, conne, cond, conde, and cund.

Anyway, I wonder if this episode would have worked better later in the season. It's about the crew acting out of character but we don't actually know them well enough yet to be surprised about dry-humping in the hallways. Maybe that's just how they roll in a future where unitards and skorts are military attire.

And didn't Kirk specifically change the spiel first? I think it might have been the end of The Undiscovered Country where he says "no man" and then pauses and corrects himself to "no one". Was there any blowback on that? I'm not old enough to remember.

The Undiscovered Country dose indeed go "where no man... *Shatnerian pause long enough to cook a meal during* ... no-one has gone before." But TUC happens two years after TNG launched (hence General Worf being in that movie) - TNG had two full seasons by that time and it was just the default. With TUC being the "handover" movie the transition was seen as  smoothing the furrowed brows of idiots who had a problem with it in the first place. See nerds? Even Kirk's said it now! 

And you are quite correct - it's very hard to care about characters acting out of character when the character they are hasn't been a character for very long. Even TOS gave us five episodes before getting to the fuck plague.


EDIT: Too slow, old Prole

Shoot, I meant to bring that up as well, though we have longer before that question needs to be answered. I assume there will just be a blanket ruling for all evil energy gases and other non-corporeal entities.

"Make it so, Riker Number One!"

No, I'm pretty sure "Number One" is the job title. Like Pike's Number One from the pilot, whom we just never learned the name of.

I think Starfleet should exclusively hire people with the last name Khan or Kahn to be the conn to avoid hurting that officer's feelings.

I mean, didn't he just take over command of the ship in the pilot episode?  And all those posts are rotating shifts with multiple people that man those posts.  Just feels like a weird thing to get hung up on.

Star Trek: The Next Generation - S01E04 - Code of Honor

We continue to move right along with the first season of Star Trek: The Next Generation in our quest to determine who fucked the most. Today we'll be looking at the fourth episode, Code of Honor which first aired on October 12, 1987. The episode is routinely ranked as one of the worst Star Trek episodes of any iteration of the show, but this is not going to be an attempt to determine if this infamy is warranted or not, I'm only here to count how many times people fucked. So let's get down to it!

Preexisting Prejudices
I'm pretty sure that this episode is the weirdly racist episode from season 1. If I'm not mistaken and this is indeed that episode I will say without any hyperbole whatsoever that this episode sucks all 90,032,781.356 kinds of ass that exist. At least now, because of my very specific research project, I have something to get me through awful, awful episodes such as this, namely tallying the number of times people dance the blanket hornpipe (and to a lesser extent determining how drunk Riker was during the course of the episode).

Plot Synopsis
We kick shit off with a cold open and as is generally the case with Star Trek we get Picard narrating a Captain's Log about the hook for this episode's adventure. The Enterprise is en route to a planet called Ligon II to attempt to secure a vaccine for some disease (fuck plague?) that's ravaging some random-ass Federation planet. Picard has to negotiate with the Ligonese for the aforementioned vaccine.

Picard, Troi, and Riker met Tasha Yar in the cargo bay to receive the Ligonese. We get a brief dump of lore about the Ligonese. They are apparently a race that is very similar to humans and have a culture that is very similar to human culture as well. They are a proud people. With that lore dump out of the way, the Ligonese arrive.

I would have assumed that since they were in the cargo hold they were going to arrive on a spaceship or something but they teleport in with some kind of not standard issue teleportation technology, or at least some of them do. A group of them teleport in, lay down a red carpet, and then their leader, a dude named Lutan, teleports over as well.

Picard is like, "Yo Lutan, welcome to the Enterprise my man!" and Lutan introduces his secondary, Hagon, to Picard. Picard is like, "Here are my dudes...also this is Tasha Yar, my head of security."

Lutan's like, "A WOMAN?! WTF?!" before offering Picard a sample of the vaccine.

His man, Hagon, then tries to give the vaccine directly to Picard, but Yar's all like, "Yo I need to check that out first."

Hagon bellows, "OUT OF MY WAY WOMAN!" so Yar gets all pissed off and does some judo shit on her to throw Hagon to the floor. Yar checks the vaccine and deems it to be safe and hands it to Picard.

Troi uses her X-Men powers to deduce that apologizing for Yar judo throwing Lutan's man to the floor would be seen as a sign of weakness, so instead Picard's just like, "Thanks for this vaccine. How about some entertainment now?"

Lutan agrees to be entertained and the Enterprise crew head off. Before Hagon and Lutan follow after them, Hagon whines about getting judo thrown by a lady but Lutan's like, "whatever brah, that lady might be just what I need!"

We then get that good, good, "Space! The final frontier!" opening. I know this is well outside of the parameters of this study, but the opening theme song for Star Trek: The Next Generation has to be one of the all time great television theme songs. It's memorable and captures the feel of the show while never feeling played out. It's a definite top five TV theme song of all the times for me, but I digress.

When the good, good theme song is over we go back to a bad, bad episode of Star Trek to find the Ligonese contingent and the crew of the Enterprise discussing an alliance or something in a conference room. Picard gives Lutan a ceramic horse from the Sung Dynasty because I guess even though the Ligonese all dress like "African tribesmen" stereotypes their culture is supposed to be an "ancient China" stereotype. Double racism baby!

Picard wrongly declares the Sung Dynasty to have existed in the 14th century as he gifts the horse and gets called out on it by Data. Lutan does not look the gift horse in the mouth. He does however give some long boring-ass speech about hoping that their two peoples can become friends with each other. He then dumps more lore on us in a boring-ass fashion, informing us that on Ligon II women own the land but are subservient to men or some shit. Cool, we're adding misogyny to our double racism melange...

Lutan wants to see the Holodeck and asks Yar to show it to him so that he can see how it's used to train security forces. Yar brings him to the Holodeck and summons a white ninja and shows off her aikido skills. Hagon's like, "This is bullshit! There's no way an image could kick any ass whatsoever!"

Hagon then tries his luck with White Ninja and gets judo chucked to the floor. Yar explains that the White Ninja learns from what people do so everyone has to keep working and improving in order to beat it. Lutan is impressed by Yar's karate skills.

Everyone goes back to the cargo bay so the Ligonese can go back home. They give their regards to Picard and then Lutan goes to shake Yar's hand, but then grabs her and teleport with her down to Ligon II. Picard calls for a red alert because, "THEY'RE STEALIN' ALL OUR GOOD WHITE WOMEN!!"

Back from break Picard is attempting to call Lutan but Lutan's not answering his phone. Picard orders a bunch of photo torpedoes to be shot above the planet as a show of might. GUNSHIP DIPLOMACY ALL UP IN THIS MUG! The Enterprise is unable to trace the Ligonese transport beam. Data explains that they use a similar system to an old-ass teleportation systems from Earth but Picard stares daggers at him for some reason.

Troi tells Picard that all the Ligonese were horny for Yar except for Lutan who was not only horny for Yar, but also gave off airs of avarice and ambition. Picard then decides to chill out and wait for Lutan to call him back because the Ligonese value patience or some shit.

Twenty-four hours later Picard is on tenterhooks because Lutan hasn't called him back yet. Dr. Beverly Crusher visits him in the ready room and informs Picard that she can't replicate the vaccine so they need to smooth things over with the Ligonese and get that vaccine or a bunch of people will die. Picard's like, "Yeah I've seen people die and shit and it sucks much ass!"

Dr. Beverly Crusher then asks, "May I speak to you about my son, Wesley?"

Picard cannot believe this shit and shouts, "What?!?!" Picard fucking hates the Archfiend Wesley Crusher but wants to fuck Dr. Beverly Crusher so she let's he say her piece.

She asks him to let Wesley onto the bridge even though he'd already been on the bridge in the first episode and since that time nearly got all of them killed by the goddamn asteroid from Deep Impact. Picard's like, "Fine, whatever," and goes out to the bridge and summons Wesley from out of elevator and tells him to go sit down next to Geordi. Everyone is like, "Sir?" and Picard's like, "Are all you fuckers deaf?! Wesley go do an adult's job!"

Data shows up and briefs the crew on the Ligonese. They have a strict code of honor and Lutan kidnapping Yar was akin to something the "American Indians" did called a "counting coup." Cool, let's add some more racism to the Ligonese!

Data explains that a "counting coup" is a term from a shitty obsolete language: French. This pisses off Picard, because even though he's the most British motherfucker who ever Britted, the character is actually French. Data continues to explain "counting coups" basically Lutan is a hero because he kidnapped Yar or some shit.

Lutan calls them up and Troi and Riker are like, "Ask for him to give Yar back nicely." Picard wants to ignore the "Prime Directive" and murder fools but ultimately is like, "Please give back our space lesbian." Lutan's like, "You should come down here and chill with us."

Riker wants to lead the away team, but apparently it's safer if Picard goes because he's the "leader" and the Ligonese respect leaders as honored guests and no harm will come to Picard. Riker, possibly half in the bag, waggles his finger at Picard and tells him that if he gets murdered on the planet he will "put [Picard] on report."

Picard and Troi arrive on Ligon II where they meet Lutan at his compound, which he calls his "Center Place." Lutan and Hagon show up along with Lutan's "first one," Yareena. Lutan welcomes Picard and tells him that if he needs or wants anything all he need do is say the word. Picard's like, "Fine. I want to see Yar."

Lutan criticizes Picard since I guess asking to see a friend that a Ligonese had kidnapped is bad form, but Lutan has Yar brought out all the same. She tells Picard that she's fine and that she's wearing the Ligonese guards out. Now this might be The Start Trek Fuck Report, but the guy who brought her out appeared to be missing and eye, so I can only assume that Yar gouged the dude's fucking eyeball out and that's what she meant when she said she was "wearing them out." Anyway Lutan says that he'll return Yar at a banquet in the evening and that's the end of it.

At the banquet there's a dude casually juggling axes while people bag sticks together. Picard then gives a speech where he's super deferential to Lutan and grovels, asking for Yar back, but Lutan's like, "Fuck that shit, I'm marrying this chick!"

His wife, Yareena, is not pleased with this and demands satisfaction. She challenges Yar to a fight to the death and Picard's like, "This is fucking insane! No way!"

Lutan is like, "Fine. No vaccine for you then."

Back on the Enterprise Riker uses technology to scan Lutan's "Center Place." He suddenly gets an email for some sort of Star Base informing him that the New and Improved Fuck Plague on Styris IV is even more severe than at first they thought it would be and if they didn't secure the vaccine millions could die. SHIT HAS JUST GOTTEN REAL!

Back on Ligon II, Picard and Troi pay Yar a visit as she stretches. Troi's like, "I bet you liked it when Lutan was like. 'I'm totally marrying this chick!'" Yar, who had just one episode earlier, explained her tragic backstory where she'd spent a childhood avoiding "rape gangs," is like, "Well, Lutan, the man who just kidnapped me is pretty handsome...HEY YOU TRICKED ME!"

Talk then turns to Yar's odds. Yar is confident that she can murder the shit out of Yareena. Troi agrees with this but Picard's like, "Let me try diplomacy one more time before anyone murders the shit out someone."

He goes outside and overhears Lutan and Hagon talking about Yareena's wealth and lands. He apparently needs these to maintain his power but if she dies he'll get all her lands and money so whatever happens he wins. Picard is like, "I guess so. I'll make Yar fight then as long as we get some vaccine." He and Lutan then toast each other.

Meanwhile on the Enterprise, Data walks in on Geordi as he shaves. Data's like, "Why aren't you using the razor I got for you?" and Geordi's like, "It was too perfect man. I like the imperfection of this one. Using shitty razors is part of the human experience." Data then tries to tell a joke but it's clearly a joke he got out of 101 Jokes for Kids to Tell or something of that ilk that he bought from an elementary school book fair.

Fortunately for all of us Picard calls them and orders them to beam down to the planet which they do. Picard tells them to examine the weapons that will be used in the fight to the death and try to find anything that could help Yar. Data asks if this is another human joke. It is not. It is a captain's orders.

Back on the Enterprise. the best people are working around the clock to investigate Lutan's compound so they can teleport Yar out of there if things go south.

Later on in Yar's chambers, Yareena comes to see her at Yar's request. Yar's like, "Look, I don't want to fight you. I just want the vaccine, you can have Lutan." Yareena doesn't believe her though and promises to murder the shit out of Yar for trying to take her man. Yar's like, "Where I come from, it's more honorable to not fight," but Yareena channels her inner-Axl Rose and is all like, "DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?! YOU'RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY!"

Yar tells Picard that Yareena's pretty gung-ho about fighting for her man. They are then joined by Data and Geordi who report on the weapons they found. They are all very sharp, covered in poison, and exceptionally light. A moment later Hagon arrives with several boxes containing the weapons that are going to be used: a porcupine fist. As Yar looks over the weapon, the other hear Yareena practicing in the arena.

Later, Data beams back up to the Enterprise to tell Riker and Dr. Beverly Crusher Captain Picard's zany plan.

Back down on Ligon II Picard, Troi, Geordi, and Yar enter the arena which is basically a goddamn jungle gym. Yar's got a sick Rambo headband on, because really what else would she be wearing. Yareena comes out in a leotard and she's got prize fighter robes on. She's ready to go.

The fight scene is very bad. I watch a lot fake fighting. If I'm being honest, the vast majority of pop culture I consume involves people pretending to punch and kick each other so I'm something of a connoisseur of fake karate and this here? This ain't it.

At on point the porcupine glove that Yareena was wearing gets shoved into an electrified pole which sends the glove flying into the gut of a dude sitting ringside. In seconds the dude is a goddamn corpse. The match is stopped while the glove is retrieved and after it's returned we get more bad fighting on a jungle gym.

Eventually Yar murders Yareena and then immediately dives on top of her and the two of them are beamed back up to the Enterprise where Dr. Beverly Crusher does medical science on Yareena in an effort to save her.

Back on the planet, Lutan is like, "Aw man, you guys cheated!" but Picard's like, "No bro, Yareena totally died." Hagon adds that now that Yareena's dead, all her lands now belong to Lutan. Lutan is pleased with this outcome and agrees to give the vaccine to Picard so Picard phones the Enterprise and tells them to send some dudes down to collect the vaccines. He then orders the away team as well as Lutan and Hagon beamed back up.

Back on the Enterprise Lutan is brought to the lounge where he sees his wife totally not a dead. He's all like, "WTF is this?! That was supposed to be a fight to the death!" The crew of the Enterprise is all like, "She totally died dude but Dr. Beverly Crusher used her knowledge of medical science to bring her back to life. We can show you reports about her dying if you want."

Since Yareena technically died, her marriage to Lutan is over or something but she gets to keep all her lands. She's pissed off at Lutan but heard Hagon cry out for her during the fight so she's like, "You want to be my First One?" Hagon's all like, "Fuck yes I do!"

Yareena then asks Yar if she wants Lutan. Yar says she doesn't because there would be complications which I'm assuming are due to the fact that she's a lesbian. Yareena's like, "I guess I'll take him back as my Second One." She then tells Lutan to put on the sad polo shirt of a cuckold and take him place.

Later, with the vaccine safely secured, the crew then blasts off for adventure in Styris IV: Home of the New and Improved Fuck Plague!

How Rikered Was Riker?
Riker was hardly in this episode which made an already shit episode even worse. When he was on screen he was telling his boss off and wagging his finger in his boss' face but he didn't sexually harass anyone or dominate any chairs so I'm guessing he was only mildly Rikered in this particular episode. Maybe like a 2 or 2.5 on a scale of 10.

Final Thoughts
This episode fucking sucked. It was racist as fuck and no one even fucked in it so it had absolute no bearing on my extremely scientific study. Add to that minimal Riker and more goddamn Boy Genius Wesley Crusher than anyone ever needs and you've got a shitheap of an episode. Unless you're doing a scientific study avoid this one like a fuck plague or whatever the plague on Styris IV that begot this piece of shit was.

Fuck Count
A fucking goose egg. All this bullshit and not a single person fucked.

Total Fucks for Episode: 0
Total Fucks for Season: 2
Total Fucks for Series: 2

I mean, Beyond had freakin' Joe Taslim doing the fights, for shit's sake...

Star Trek: The Next Generation - S01E05 - The Last Outpost

So we go from one racist sterotype to another with episode five of season one. Premiering on October 19, 1987, The Last Outpost, saw the first appearance of the Ferengi, a race that had been mentioned back in the first episode (or maybe the second episode since it was a two parter that I saw as a single thing rather than split in two chunks), but I digress. Looking like a mix of Nosferatu and a Nazi propaganda drawing of a Jew, the Ferengi were originally to be the chief adversaries of the Enterprise in Star Trek: The Next Generation, but from this initial appearance they were shit upon by the general public for being both super racist and also not serious enough to be seen as an actual threat in the way Klingons and Romulans were in the Original Series. Luckily someone came up with the Borg during season 2 and Gene Roddenberry also died at some point so his nonsensical, "NO STORIES ABOUT KLINGONS OR ROMULANS!" directive started getting ignored, but I really digress.

This is not a report about racist stereotypes and the executive decisions that go into making a show like Star Trek. This is a report about who fucked on Star Trek. So let's get down to it!

Preexisting Prejudices
I did not realize how racist the Ferengi actually looked when I watched this as a small child. To be completely honest the thing that's stuck with me all these years is not the shitty Jewish stereotypes with the fangs and money-grubbing ways, it's the fact that Ferengi are totally nude when they get married. Whether that bit of lore appears in this episode or one of the subsequent Ferengi appearances on TNG or DS9 I can't say, but that's the first thing my mind goes to when the Ferengi are mentioned: ALL KINDS OF NUDITY!

Plot Synopsis
We start shit off with a high speed chance through space as the Enterprise chases down a Ferengi ship that stole some Power Converters from Tosche Station or something. I guess no one in the Federation has ever actually encountered the Ferengi before which makes Picard's threat to the current and reigning SCI-FI NAME CHAMPION, Groppler Zorn that the Ferengi would eat him, kind of blood libelous.

The Ferengi ship suddenly drops to sub-warp speed. The crew on the Enterprise theorize that the ship's engines are toast due to a sudden power surge they detected. The Ferengi ship fires on the Enterprise, but Picard's like, "Eh, we were chasing them. Makes sense they'd shoot at us," so he doesn't return fire. Suddenly the Enterprises systems begin to fail as the Ferengi ship turns around. Picard and Co. are sitting space ducks! TALK ABOUT A COLD OPEN!

After that good-ass opening theme we return to the bridge of the Enterprise where the crew attempts to make sense of how they were able to be trapped by the Ferengi. Data says that most of the information on the Ferengi is hearsay and rumors and those rumors contradict each other 9 times out of 10. Picard's like, "Well, tell me the shit that isn't contradicted by other shit."

Data tells Picard that the Ferengi are more or less traders and they value the almighty dollar over all things, not unlike the Yankee traders of yore. Riker's like, "Yankee traders of yore?! Those were my people! Man I can't wait to meet these Ferengi!" Data's like, "Don't expect them to be wearing red, white and blue and singing the praises of Uncle Sam though," but Riker's totally pumped up to meet old timey Yankee traders who probably have a clipper ship or some shit and scream stuff like, "FROM HELL'S HEART I STAB AT THEE!"

Worf doesn't know who Uncle Sam is and Yar's like "Why would they wear such bright, garish colors." This leads to Picard being all like "Those were US and A's colors but they got the order wrong, it should be blue, white, and red. VIVE LA FRANCE!!!"

Data then randomly lists off the colors of other flags until Picard's like, "Dude this doesn't help us at all!" and Data's like "You started it Sir." Picard then tries to call engineering, but the intercom is busted or something so he sends Geordi and then like two seconds later also sends Riker.

Down in engineering Riker and Geordi are bros with each other and come up with a plan to escape the Ferengi force field. Geordi's all like, "We shift down then kick hard into warp nine! Yeah, come back fightin'! WOOWEE!!!!" Such bro-dudes. They inform Picard of their bro-tastic scheme and Picard's on board with it.

Back on the bridge they all get ready to put their plan into action. To distract the Ferengi or something, Picard tries to hail them, demanding they return to power converters, but there is no reply from the Ferengi ship. The Enterprise then attempt Riker and Geordi's bro-dude escape plan, but like all plans laid by drunks, it completely and utterly fails.

To make matters all the more fucked up someone, or something is accessing the Enterprise's computers and is reading all their shit and looking at their porn and stuff. Troi's all like, "We were so busy with this Ferengi spaceship that we never considered what's going on with that planet down there." CHEKOV'S PLANET ALL UP IN THIS MUG!

Picard has the crew meet him in the conference room for a staff meeting. He asks if anyone has any ideas on how to best deal with the Ferengi. Yar and Worf are like, "We should wreck shop on them and shoot a mess of lasers and photon torpedoes at them." Picard's like, "No way man!" Troi thinks that he should try contact them again. Everyone then is dismissed and Picard's like, "Riker, what about you? What do you think we should do?"

Riker replies, "Just don't get us all killed boss!"

Back out on the bridge, Picard again hails the Ferengi and asks them to present their terms. A moment later a reply comes from the Ferengi ship. A dude named Daimon Tarr says that he is willing to discuss surrender. Picard mutes the call and is like, "Ho shit, they're trapped too and then think we did it!"

They get back to talking to Tarr and ask him to show himself so they can negotiate a surrender. Tarr appears in all his racist Jewish stereotype glory and after saying "the ugliness of the Ooman was not an exaggeration!" says that he will return the power converter and also offers the lives of his second officers as is in accordance with the Ferengi Code.

Data leans over to Geordi and elbows him and is like, "Thank God Starfleet doesn't have that code right Second Officer Geordi?"

Picard calls another staff meeting and they head back to the conference room. There are a couple of random-ass kids named Matthew and Pola in there that Riker attempts to shoo away before Picard sees them and goes absolutely berserk via hating children.

Data starts to relay what is known about the planet they're stranded above, but as he gives his Powerpoint presentation he starts fucking around with a Chinese finger trap and gets stuck. Picard helps him get out of it and Data explains that the planet appears to be the most distant outpost of the long extinct Tkon Empire, an empire that fell a bajillion years ago when their star exploded or imploded, undoubtedly infecting everyone with fuck plague, because that is what happens if people are near an exploding sun. They then get some data from a probe they launched that confirms that both ships are trapped in a force field that's coming from the surface of the planet.

Back on the bridge, Picard phones up the Ferengi but they've also discovered the true nature of the force field. Daimon Tarr says the surrender is off and Picard's like, "Sure man. How about we work together to solves this problem that's fucking up all our shit?" The Enterprise and the Ferengi agree to work together and each send a team to the surface to figure out what the shit is going on.

Riker, Geordi, Data, Worf and Yar beam down to the surface even though they'll have no way to beam back on board and probably will lose communication ability as well. REAL HEROES Y'ALL!

Anyway the away team appears on the planet but they all get separated. Riker looks around for his buddies, first finding Data who is fucking around with some giant crystals that he declares to be "nothing to write home about." They next find Geordi who's stuck upside down. As they try to help him down the Ferengi appear and attack with those whips that Mickey Rourke had in Iron Man 2, knocking them the fuck out.

Back on the Enterprise shit's getting real bad. They are rapidly running out of power and systems are failing. All remaining power has been diverted to the family decks to attempt to save them, but it's dark and getting ever colder. Picard asks Dr. Beverly Crusher where Wesley is and she tells him that he's back in their quarters. She says that she thought about giving him a sedative but didn't and Picard's like, "Good he has the right to meet death while awake!"

Dr. Beverly Crusher replies, "What the fuck kind of macho bullshit is that?"

Picard mumbles something back at her under his breath.

Back on the planet, one of the Ferengi is poking at Riker's cellphone badge. He takes it off declaring it to look like gold and taste like gold. Riker comes to at this point and yells at them that it is gold.

The Ferengi then plot to kill the Enterprise crew and take their shit and then tell their boss that the Oomans attacked first. There is a sudden clap of thunder and the Ferengi, who if memory serves correctly have super sensitive ears, are pained by this. Worf suddenly rises from the mists that swirl on the planet and he fucking goes HAM on the Ferengi. The Enterprise crew brawl with the Ferengi and seem to be getting the advantage until Yar shows up with a phaser pointed at the Ferengi.

The Ferengi are shocked that the Oomans allow a "female" to work with them...and also force them to wear clothes. The two groups argue again and start shooting lasers at each other, but the "nothing to write home about" crystals absorb the laser blasts. Riker & Co. figure out the mystery of mysterious planet, but it suddenly gets way more mysterious when a booming voice echos across the planet and a mysterious figure emerges from the swirling mists.

SPECIAL GUEST STAR OLD ASS BRIAN MAY FROM QUEEN!

Oh fuck it's my old nemesis Brian May of Queen. He's old as fuck here and lacking that goddamn Brian May guitar sound, but his sound is still terrible, completely wreckin' shop on the Ferengi whenever he does stuff.

He says that his name is Portal 69 and he's a guardian of the Tkon Empire. He asks if anyone wants to enter the Empire. Riker and Data are like, "Son you're straight tripping. The Tkon Empire hasn't existed for like a bajillion years!"

The Ferengi meanwhile try to butter Portal 69 up, saying that Oomans are liars. They say that the Oomans are savage barbarians who are shit at business for not selling weapons to undeveloped civilizations and the fact that they make their women walk around in clothes is a sign that they're all fucked in the head. They promise Portal 69 that they'll kill all Oomans if he gives them back their ship.

Riker however accepts Portal 69's trial to prove that they are not they monsters that the Ferengi make them out to be. Portal quotes Sun Tzu and uses Riker's name at him. I guess he's got X-Men powers or some shit. Portal 69 then moves towards him at too many frames per second swinging a goddamn halberd and stops with the blade right next to Riker's head. Riker cool as a cucumber (probably due to being completely hammered) doesn't flinch.

Riker tells him "Fear is the true enemy, the only enemy."

This is apparently enough to pass Portal 69's trial. He tells Riker that he wants to know more about Sun Tzu and Earth since its history seems similar to Tkon. Riker asks Portal 69 to release the Enterprise and Portal 69 is like, "Sure thing champ." Back on the Enterprise everyone wakes up from their brink of death naps as the ship's power comes back online.

Portal 69 tells Riker that usually he just blows up ships that are fighting near his planet, but when he saw that the Enterprise and the Ferengi were willing to put aside their differences and work together to resolve the problem, he was curious and that curiosity staid his hand. Portal 69 then asks Riker if he wants him to murder the Ferengi.

Riker's like, "Nah, they're all like we were a few hundred years ago. Hopefully they'll learn from all this and do better in the future just like humans did."

"What if they never learn?" asks 69.

"That's a risk we're willing to take or some shit," replies Riker, "So what about you man? Your Empire's toast. What are you going to do now?"

"Sleep my dude! Until I'm needed again. Smell ya later brah!" Portal 69 then vanishes in a flash of thunder and lightning causing the Ferengi to grasp their ears once more.

The away team returns and Picard's like "Good job my dudes! The ship's back online and the Ferengi returned our power converter." Data uses his idiom of the calendar expression and tells Picard that it's "something to write home about."

Riker meanwhile is like, "Thanks Boss. By the way, do you think I could send a box of these goddamn Chinese finger traps that are all over the place to the Ferengi as a thank you gift for all they did?"

"MAKE IT SO!" shouts Picard. I haven't been paying too close attention to Picard yelling "MAKE IT SO!" but I think this might be the first appearance of this particular Picard catchphrase.

The Ferengi ship leaves and Picard tells Geordi to engage, but Geordi's fucking around with a Chinese finger trap so Data engages the ship for him and the Enterprise blasts off to further adventures!

How Rikered Was Riker?
Riker did a pretty goddamn good job of concealing any intoxication he might have been suffering from during this adventure, particularly during the ordeal of Brain May of Queen. Dude was cool as a cucumber when old ass Brian May was moving too many frames per second with a goddamn halberd in his general direction. An impressive show of acting like he wasn't three sheet to the wind from Riker Without Beard this week.

Final Thoughts
While this was a minor improvement over the previous episode it still sucked a lot of ass, especially if someone is looking for data to prove once and for all which character fucked the most. I mean the only horniness that this episode had at all was Dr. Beverly Crusher calling Picard Jean-Luc after waking up from her brink of death nap. Do better Season 1 of Star Trek: The Next Generation! Some of us are doing research here and don't need these goddamn one-shot adventures with an offensive racial stereotype alien. We need fucking! I swear to Odin if the next episode sees the crew of the Enterprise encounter an alien race that is just Mexican stereotypes I might have to take a break.

Fuck Count
Another adventure with uncomfortable racial stereotypes, another fuckless episode. Hopefully the action picks up soon.

Total Fucks for Episode: 0
Total Fucks for Season: 2
Total Fucks for Series: 2

Wasn't that the Betazoids? Pre-teenage me vaguely remembers that, or at least it was an excuse to show Majel Barrett and/or Marina Sirtis implied to be naked (which was also enough for pre-teenage me)?