Star Trek: TNG - An In-Depth Analysis of Who Boned the Most

First Contact > Nemesis > Insurrection >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> *takes breath* >>>>>>>>>>> Generations

Shields up! Arm photon torpedos!

How is the Prime Directive handled in subsequent Treks? Since the only one I've seen in any major way besides TOS and TNG is Deep Space Nine which I don't recall making such a big deal about the Prime Directive, though part of that could be due to the fact that the show was mostly set on a space station in a set area rather than on a ship wandering the galaxy and encountering strange new worlds. Like how did Voyager handle the Prime Directive? Or The Lower Decks or whatever other Star Treks that came after Deep Space Nine that I'm forgetting about?

Star Trek: The Next Generation - S03E05 - The Bonding


It has been quite some time since last I went down to my laboratory and applied the scientific method to an episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation in my quixotic quest to determine exactly which Star Trek: The Next Generation character fucked with the greatest frequency over the course of the show's existence. I've got no real reason why I stopped doing this vital research beyond the fact that my leisure time is frankly pretty limited and when something else catches my fancy I often have to discard some other hobby to make time for it but I've decided to once more commence my scientific studies for the good of all humanity. We will pick back up where I left off, with the fifth episode of the show's third season, The Bonding, which first aired on October 23, 1989.

Pre-Existing Prejudices
When I saw the title I assumed it was some sort of euphamism for fucking and thought we were going to get another point of Star Trek boning data but after reading the little Netflix episode summary it became clear that this was not the case as it's the episode where some kid's mom dies and Worf feels guilty about it and tries to be buddies with the kid. I vaguely recall it and do not remember it being particularly inspired.

Plot Synopsis
The episode begins, as so many of these episodes do, with the bridge crew fretting and talking to an away team that's off camera doing things that would be visually more exciting but infinitely more expensive than shooting something on the bridge set would be. This time it's Worf leading a team of archeologists to explore a planet that was once inhabited by a race of aliens known as the Koinians or some such nonsense. As Worf and his team play Indiana Jones off camera Data explains that the Koinians ended up destroying themselves during a multi-generational war and the planet is now uninhabited.

Troi suddenly freaks the fuck out and tells Picard to beam them up. A second later Worf uses his space phone to call for an immediate emergency beam up and tells them that there are severe injuries. Picard has O'Brien beam them directly to the sick bay and a moment later a bloodied Worf and several equally messed up archeologists appear before Dr. Beverly Crusher.

She kneels down to reveal a really fucked up woman lying at Worf's feet. Dr. Beverly Crusher checks for vital signs but finds none and declares the woman to be dead on arrival. Talk about a cold open!

After that good, good opening theme song we get Picard drops a Captain's log in which he says that the Enterprise is orbiting the planet while they investigate what the shit went down leading to the death of the "ship's archeologist" Lt. Maria Aster.

Picard then goes down to the sickbay to rap with Worf about what happened on the planet. Worf explains that the away team had scanned the tunnel for weapons and traps but did not detect any but as they moved down the tunnel an explosive device detonated without warning and Lt. Aster bore the brunt of the explosion.

Troi then enters and informs Picard that Lt. Aster is survived by a son named Jeremy who is 12 years old and aboard the Enterprise. Picard asks if the boy has a father but Troi tells him that Jeremy's dad is also deceased. The boy's only living relatives are an aunt and uncle residing on Earth. Picard and Troi then leave to go break the news to Jeremy. Worf offers to go as he was the one leading the away team that got Jeremy's mother killed but Picard tells he appreciates Worf's offer but it's his responsibility as Captain.

Out in the hallway Picard calls Riker With Beard and tells him to send Geordi and another away team down to the planet to figure out what exactly happened. He then tells Riker With Beard that he will be with Troi and Jeremy Aster and hangs up his space phone.

Meanwhile on the bridge, Wesley Crusher, having just heard Picard and Riker With Beard's phone conversation, says that Picard had to do the same thing for him when his father died on a mission. Riker With Beard asks Wesley if he knows Jeremy well. Wesley says that he does not but knows what this is going to be like for him.

Riker says that death is a part of life in Starfleet. Wesley says that he knows and that Starfleet is careful to prepare them for anything but it's still hard. Wesley asks Riker With Beard how you get used to telling kids that their parents died having space adventures.

"You hope you never do," replies Riker With Beard.

Elsewhere on the Enterprise Worf extinguishes a candle with the blade of a dagger in silence.

Meanwhile in a TURBOLIFT Troi says that she can sense the weight of the duty he is about to undertake on Picard. Picard stops the TURBOLIFT to rant about how he's always thought it was stupid to take small children on starships.

"Serving on a starship means accepting certain risks, certain dangers," he says, "Did Jeremy Aster make that choice?"

Troi tells Picard that death and loss are a part of life everywhere and that leaving Jeremy on Earth wouldn't have protected him from that reality. Picard says that she's right but Earth isn't likely to be sent into the Neutral Zone or go up against Romulan warships. He says that ultimately it was his command that ended up costing Lt. Aster her life and while she understood the risks attached to her mission but wonders if Jeremy Aster will.

Troi tells him that he will in time and with help and then brings up Wesley Crusher. This all seems to satisfy Picard who has TURBOLIFT resume its journey down a tube or whatever.

Some moments later Picard and Troi meet with Jeremy and HOLY SHIT IT'S HOB FROM ROBOCOP 2! Anyway Picard tells Jeremy that there was an accident and his mother has died. Jeremy asks how his mother died so Picard tells him of the explosion and that she died instantly. Jeremy doesn't seem particularly distraught by this. Picard says that he was told that Jeremy's father was also dead. Jeremy confirms that that is true and then opines that he is all alone now.

Picard tells him, "Jeremy, on the starship Enterprise, no one is alone. No one," and then awkwardly puts his hand on Jeremy's I guess to show compassion or something but man alive does he look super uncomfortable doing it.

Back from break we find Riker With Beard knocking a few back at Ten Forward when Data appears and asks him how well he knew Lt. Aster. Riker With Beard tells him that they'd spent a little time together but didn't know her very well. He then asks Data how well he knew Lt. Aster.

"Why do you ask?" Data replies.

Riker With Beard tells him that Data just asked him the same question but Data wants to know why people in general ask that question when someone has died. He says that several people asked him how well he knew Aster and Riker With Beard asked Wesley Crusher how well he knew Lt. Aster's son Jeremy.

"Does the question of familiarity have some bearing on death?" asks Data.

Riker With Beard asks Data if he remembers how everyone felt when Tasha Yar died. Data does and confesses that he doesn't feel the same sort of absence that he does when he thinks about Lt. Yar but doesn't know why. Riker With Beard says that it's just human nature to feel a loss more intensely when it's someone we know and love.

Data doesn't understand this and asks if feelings shouldn't "run as deep regardless of who has died." Riker With Beard tells him that maybe they should because if people did think that way human history would have been far less bloody.

At that moment, Geordi calls Riker With Beard to inform him that he's back from the planet and that he's "brought back a souvenir."

Later in Picard's Ready Room, Geordi shows off some weird device and says that there were five more of them all identical to the one that killed Lt. Aster. Data says that the devices "employ a subspace proximity detonator" and that they would have been impossible to detect with a normal tricorder. Picard asks Data how old they are and Data says that they appear to be from the time of the Koinian Wars.

Riker With Beard asks Geordi if his away team found all of them and Geordi says that they did but that "it seemed like they were left there to be found."

Picard wants to know who they would have been left by as there were no indications of any life on the planet. Geordi says that he doesn't know but the devices had all obviously been pulled out of the ground and defused very recently.

Elsewhere Troi goes to talk to Worf who tells her that he already gave his report to the Captain. Troi tells him that she cares more about how he feels about what happened and that she senses great anger. Worf tells her that he's pissed because he cannot seek revenge against an enemy who's turned to dust centuries ago. Her death was senseless. The last victim of a forgotten war."

He tells her that he's got nothing else to say but Tori tells him that someone died under his command and it might happen again in the future. She says that he needs to learn how to deal with the guilt and anger and talk about it. Worf thinks this is bullshit and tells her, "A leader must stand alone as Captain Picard does."

Troi tells Worf that Picard talks to her so Worf decides to seek her counsel with regards to his plan to undertake the Bonding with Jeremy Aster. She tells him that it is generous but as Jeremy is not a Klingon he might not understand. Worf rebutes by saying that he is an orphan and Jeremy is an orphan so he will understand.

Troi, however, is of the mind that there's not much Jeremy can understand right now and that kids who lose parents often feel like they must remain true to the memory of a lost parent and will reject people who show them affection too soon since they feel guilty about return that affection and betraying the love of their dead parent.

Worf tells her that he only wants to honor Jeremy's mother. Troi tells him that she understands but that he also needs to understand that Jeremy is very angry and may lash out at him but she encourages Worf to talk to him but take it slowly. When Jeremy is ready they will know.

Meanwhile in Jeremy's Quarters, the boy is watching home movies on his iPad. He's playing around with a cat named Patches and then he and his off camera dad bother Lt. Aster who jokingly threatens to ground his camera lens into shards if they don't leave her alone.

There's a knock at Jeremy's door and he opens it. Worf is standing there. He introduces himself and asks if he can come in. Jeremy is like, "You were in command of the away team," and Worf tells him that he was and he was with Jeremy's mother when she died.

Jermey recognizes that Worf is a Klingon and tells him that they studied about Klingons in school. Worf wants to know what he learned and Jeremy is like, "You used to be our enemies." Worf wants to know if they taught small children that all Klingons want to die in the line of duty like Jeremy's mother did which seems like a pretty weird thing to say to a kid who just lost their parents. He goes on to say that in the Klingon tradition they do not grieve the loss of the body but rather celebrate the release of the spirit.

Jeremy tells him that he understands death and that they were taught all about it at school. Worf says that he might understand it but he must also bring meaning to his mother's death and hopes that they can do it together.

Meanwhile Troi visits Picard in his Ready Room. Picard asks her how Jeremy's doing and she tells him that Jeremy is being very brave. This is no good. Troi wants him to express his anger so he can really say goodbye to his mother. She tells Picard that she's asked Dr. Beverly Crusher to have Wesley Crusher talk to Jeremy and then mentions Worf's plan to do the Bonding with Jeremy. Picard thinks it might be good but Troi doesn't think Jeremy's ready to accept Worf yet. Riker With Beard then calls Picard to tell him that there's some wacky energy shit coming off the planet.

Picard goes out to the bridge to check on this weird energy shit. It's emanating from a place two kilometers north of where the away team beamed down. Troi tells Picard that she's sensing a presence on the planet but can't make out whether or not it's a lifeform because of all the bad vibes on the ship. Picard has Data scan the planet and put the results up on the big space TV on the bridge. Data does and we see some green lasers beaming off the planet.

Meanwhile in Dr. Beverly Crusher's office, Wesley Crusher shows up to visit his mom. She tells him that Troi asked her to ask him if he would talk to Jeremy Aster. Wesley doesn't understand what he could talk to him about so Dr. Beverly Crusher reminds Wesley that he also had a parent die during a Starfleet mission.

She tells him that when his dad died Wesley she and Wesley at least had each other but Jeremy is alone and might be more comfortable talking to someone closer in age to him than he is talking to a grown-ass person. Wesley tells her that he'll think about talking with Jeremy. He then asks her if she ever thinks about Dad.

She tells him that she does and Wesley says that sometimes he can't even remember what his dad looked like and it scares him. Dr. Beverly Crusher tells her that sort of thing happens to everyone and then admits that for her sometimes the opposite happens to her and all she can think about is his face.

Wesley then confesses that after what happened earlier, he can "see it all as clearly as if it were yesterday." He tells his mom that he remembers the way his dad hugged him goodbye and Captain Picard's eyes when he came to deliver the bad news. Both Crushers look to be on the verge of tears.

Back on the bridge Data continues to analyze the green lasers coming off the planet but there is nothing matching it in any of the Federation's records. Picard asks him if it could be alive and Data replies that it's possible. Geordi then calls and tells Picard that he is detecting some weird shit coming from the anti-matter containment pods. Troi is in shock.

Meanwhile back in Jeremy's quarters the small boy is still watching home movies on his iPad when his mother appears in the room much to his surprise.

Back on the bridge Geordi says that everything is functioning normally but there are still unexplained fluctuations in the containment field. Riker With Beard asks if it could be related to the energy fields on the planet. Data tells him that there is a beam coming from the planet but he cannot pinpoint the location.

Troi then chimes in that she is sensing a presence on the Enterprise. Data says that none of the sensors have detected an intruder but Troi is insistent that there is a presence. Riker With Beard has all decks go to yellow alert.

Back in Jeremy's quarters Jeremy's mom explains that "there was a mistake" when Jermey tells her that everyone said she was dead. She tells him that he needs a hug and at first he is reluctant but eventually does hug the mom-type thing in his room. She then tells Jeremy that they have to get ready to leave for the planet since that's where they're going to live from now on. She tells him that they'll have a home just like they did back on Earth.

At that moment Worf shows up and is like "What the fuck..." when he sees whatever it is that's posing as Jeremy's mom. She tells Worf not to worry and that she's here to help Jeremy. Worf is not cool with any of this and phones Picard to tell him that Lt. Aster is seemingly back from the dead.

Picard tells Worf not to provoke her or interfere until he arrives. Picard then has Riker With Beard summon security before heading off with Troi to deal with another wacky space adventure.

Back in Jeremy's quarters Lt. Aster tells Worf that she's taking Jeremy down to the planet and the two of them then leave. Worf informs the Captain as he trails them to a teleportation chamber.

Lt. Aster and Jeremy get onto the teleporter just as Troi and Picard arrive. Picard wants to know who or what Lt. Aster is but both Jeremy and Lt. Aster insist that she is exactly who she claims to be. Picard asks her what she wants and Lt. Aster tells Picard that she's going to take Jeremy down to the planet. Picard tells her that he cannot permit that since Jeremy is his responsibility on account of her actually being dead.

She says that Jeremy needs her and asks Picard why he resists. He replies that he doesn't know who or what she is. Again Jeremy's like, "She's my mom duh!" and again Picard is like, "It might look like your mom but that's not your mom."Lt. Aster tells Picard that she's confusing Jeremy. Worf then grabs him and Lt. Aster suddenly vanishes. A distraught Jeremy starts yelling for his mom before realizing she's gone.

Back from break (and out in the hallway) Jeremy demands to know what they did to his mom. Troi tells him that they don't know who or what that was but it was not her mother. Jeremy tells Troi that he touched his mom and she was real but Troi asks him why his mother would want to take him down to the planet when there's nothing there but dust and rocks.

She then takes Jeremy back to his quarters but when they arrive there they find that it's the same as the Earth home that we'd previously seen in Jeremy's home videos on his iPad, right down to Patches the cat. His mom is there too and she tells him that it's exactly the same as his house on Earth. Jeremy asks her how she did it but she tells him it doesn't matter.

Troi, however, thinks that it does matter. Lt. Aster says she doesn't understand why they are all so against her taking Jeremy down to the planet so she made this house to show them what would be awaiting Jeremy down on the planet. Troi asks why she would create a fantasy world and Lt. Aster says that it makes Jeremy happy. Troi is all like, "But it's not real," so Lt. Aster asks Jeremy to pick up the cat and tell her if it's really Patches or not.

Jeremy picks up the cat and is 100% sure that it is the real Patches and more than that Patches recognizes and loves him. This confirms everything for Jeremy who now insists that ALL of it is real.

Troi is like, "Dude! Could your real mother just make cats materialize out of nothingness? You can't stay here. Come with me," but Jeremy is like, "Sorry mang but I gotta go."

Troi phones Picard and explains that Lt. Aster doesn't seem to understand why they don't want her to take Jeremy and that whatever it is, it only seems to want to make Jeremy happy. Picard asks if it would be wise to take Jeremy out of his cabin but Troi says that he doesn't want to leave and taking him by force would not be good. Picard tells Troi to stay with them in Jeremy's quarters and they would try to figure something out from the bridge.

On the bridge Picard asks Data to figure out whether or not the green lasers from the planet are the cause of the fake Lt. Aster. Data tells him that the beam is tapping into the ship's anti-matter and Geordi opines that they're using the Enterprise's own energy to power the fake Lt. Aster.

Picard wonders if there would be a way to shut it down. Geordi says that he could reconfigure the shields in such a way as to sever the beam. Picard tells him to do it and a moment later down in Jeremy's quarters his fake mom, Patches the 100% real cat, and Jeremy's Earth house all vanish once again.

"No..." says a bummed out Jeremy.

Back on the bridge everyone is all like, "And that's the end of that chapter..." but suddenly a big-ass green laser starts blasting out of the planet. Picard tells Wesley Crusher to get them the hell out of Dodge but before he can the laser blast hits the Enterprise.

Down in the teleportation chamber an energy blob flies at O'Brien who phones the bridge to alert them of the alien intruder. The energy blob flies at some random security guards. knocking them on their ass, and once again Jeremy's quarters are transformed into his Earth house.

Jeremy's fake mom tells him to come with her saying, "We will not let them separate us again. We're going home."

Picard heads down to Jeremy's quarters while Geordi orders Engineering to shut down all the teleporters since the energy blob version of Jeremy's mom will need them to take Jeremy off the ship. Picard also has the bridge seal off a bunch of halls.

Picard encounters Jeremy and his mother in a hallway and has the bridge lower a forcefield. He asks Jeremy if he's scared and Jeremy confesses that he is a little bit scared. Picard tells him that strange things are afoot at the Circle K so it's totally normal to be afraid but he promises he won't let anyone harm him. Picard then asks Troi to take Jeremy to his quarters but the fake Jeremy mom is furious about this.

Meanwhile in Engineering the blue energy blob is looking over all the computers and shit. Geordi tells Riker With Beard that he thinks it's trying to figure out how to turn the teleporters back on. He hopes that the blob doesn't accidentally blow them all to smithereens as it figures out how to flick a power switch back on.

It succeeds but Geordi then shuts things back down. I think this is supposed to be dramatic but it just comes across as very silly with a blob trying to turn a thing on and then Geordi immediately turning it back off.

Meanwhile in Jeremy's quarters the fake Lt. Aster tells Picard that it's only a matter of time "before we can power the transporters ourselves." Picard asks her who she means by "we," and she explains that there were two species that lived on the planet, one of energy and one of matter. She explains that the beings of matter, the Koinians Data mentioned in the cold open, did indeed fight a never ending series of wars that wound up destroying them all and after that the energy being vowed to never allow the matter beings to cause any further suffering and that's why she's here.

Picard tells her that he appreciates the motives of the energy beings but Jeremy's mother is dead and must learn to live with that reality. The fake Lt. Aster tells him that she will be every bit Jeremy's mother, but Picard again reiterates that she will not actually be his mother though. He then calls Worf and tells him to bring Wesley Crusher down to Jermey's quarters.

The fake Lt. Aster says that she doesn't understand the philosophy of humans, She wants to know what is noble about sorrow and says that she can provide Jeremy with a life free of pain or anguish. Picard tells her that experiencing both pain and joy is what makes all of them human.

Fake Lt. Aster still doesn't get it though and says that Jeremy is all alone in the world and would surely be happier down on the planet with her and Picard admits that for a brief moment he would as would anyone in Jeremy's situation. Troi then asks about what Jeremy would do for friends on their planet and whether the fake Lt. Aster would take care of his education, health, career and wife.

Picard smuggly declares, "Yes, it's quite an undertaking you're proposing, isn't it?" but the fake Lt. Aster still insists that it is their duty to make Jeremy happy.

Picard asks if they believe Jeremy would truly be happy in a completely fictional version of reality and what reason he would have to live in such a situation. Picard again explains that the death of loved ones is something that all humans have to deal with and coming to terms with those deaths is part of our cycle of life because all humans have a finite time in the universe and learning to come to terms with that is something all of us must do.

At this moment Worf and Wesley Crusher arrive. Picard tells Jeremy that Wesley's dad also died on a Starfleet mission. Troi tells Wesley that Dr. Beverly Crusher told her that Wesley seemed uncomfortable with the notion of talking to Jeremy and then asks him why that is.

Wesley says that he didn't want to think about his dad dying anymore but all this reminded him so much of that day. Picard tells him that Wesley took it very well that day and Wesley says that he'd been taught that Starfleet missions could be dangerous so he knew what could happen.

"So you were prepared?" asks Picard.

"No! I wasn't prepared at all. How could anyone be prepared to hear that a parent is never coming home again? I tried to be what everybody expected of me. Brave and mature," replies Wesley.

Picard asks Wesley what he was actually feeling on that day since it was clear that he was trying to conceal his true emotions. Wesley tells him that it felt like someone had kicked him in the head. Picard asks if there was someone in particular and Wesley tells him that he was angry at Captain Picard. Picard asks why he was angry with him. Was it because he was the one that told him his father was dead?

Wesley tells him it was because Picard was the one who had led the mission. He came back home alive and his father didn't. Wesley confesses that he was angry at Captain Picard for a long time but no longer is...."Not even a little."

Troi tells Jeremy that he must be very angry at Lt. Worf since he was in charge of his mother's mission just like Captain Picard was in command when Wesley's father died. She then adds that Worf came back but his mother didn't. Now I'm not a child psychologist or anything I'm just the child of one but this seems like some really really shitty counseling on Troi's part. Like this seems really leading even if she is an empath or whatever. Like as far as her powers have been demonstrated up to this point she can get a read on what people are feeling but not their actual thoughts or whatever. Like how in the fuck does she know that he's mad at Worf for living and not just mad at the concept of archology or some shit?

But I digress because she is 100% correct and Jeremy goes off on Worf for not dying. He asks Worf why it had to be his mother who died. Troi tells Wesley that neither Worf nor any of them for that matter could answer that. Picard then tells Jeremy that Worf also lost his parents as a child.

Worf says that his parents died in battle when he was six and he was alone but humans helped him. He asks Jeremy to let him help him the same way. He tells Jeremy that the Lt. Aster he knew and honored is not in the room with them nor is she down on the planet waiting for Jeremy he is only in their hearts now. Worf then invites him to become part of his family in the Bonding and they will become brothers for all time.

The fake Lt. Aster seems satisfied by all this and vanishes along with the Earth house and the 100% real cat Patches

Later Worf and Jeremy light some thick as fuck candles. Worf gives Jeremy a sash and explains that they have now bonded and their families are now stronger and that's the episode.

How Rikered Was Riker With Beard?
Riker With Beard is shown knocking back drinks at a bar while on the job in this episode so we don't need to speculate based on context clues if he was secretly hammered or not during this episode or not there is canonical evidence that he was.

Final Thoughts
Man there sure were a lot more episodes where "Energy Beings" do random bullshit to various crew members in these early seasons than I recalled. As an episode it was okay I guess though there were a couple things that bugged me about it namely the fact that Worf and Data both had to be dumb about things they already experienced and would understand and more over that the episode referenced the incidents that would have given them the knowledge needed to not be dumb about the things they were being dumb about so it wasn't even a case of people writing for the show assuming no one would remember bits of lore from one non-serialized episode to the next and that not being the case.

Like why wouldn't Data understand people being more upset about people they were close to dying then they were when people they didn't know that well dying. A mess of people have canonically died in his presence and he was most bummed out when Yar died. Like he already should understand that concept since he lived through it.

Similarly I don't understand why Troi has to explain to Worf that Jeremy might not be keen on the Bonding since he's a human. Worf literally spent the vast majority of his life living with and around humans. There are multiple episodes where Klingons mock him for not understanding Klingon shit decently enough. I don't like it when for plot reasons he has to be completely ignorant about "human ways" when the dude spent his entire life living with humans and playing soccer and shit. I don't have a problem with him being interested or knowledgeable about his Klingon heritage since that tracks with real world transracial adoption in a lot of cases but he shouldn't be completely unaware of how humans think and feel about things.

Fuck Count
We're five episodes deep into season 3 and not a single person has fucked yet. Hopefully shit picks up soon.

Total Fucks for Episode: 0
Total Fucks for Season: 0
Total Fucks for Series: 16 (+1~3)

Oh God, Booby Trap. And well done on getting through this without distracting yourself with a boob/booby pun. I know casting/character isn't simply luck, but boy did TNG luck out in casting LeVar Burton as Geordi because the man is so godsdamned charming to watch on screen it very nearly overcomes the horrible incel-vibes that he gets on more than one occasion. If he were played by almost anyone else episodes like this would be genuinely appalling, as opposed to what it is which is mostly appalling but almost (yet not quite) gets away with it on the strength of Burton.  Geordi is, really, a classic second-tier Trek character- fine when doing the fixing-the-ship stuff or explaining things but badly mishandled when it comes to putting him front and centre of an episode. Which is a shame because, again, Burton is lovely in the role but the show just never figures out how to handle him that well. He'll have one or two episodes where it's not awful - even the worst Star Trek characters tend to have that - but generally the show just never figures out how to weld Burton's charm in the role with an episode that actually makes productive use of it.

Star Trek: The Next Generation - S03E07 - The Enemy


Oh hello. I didn't notice you come in. Welcome back to the Star Trek Fuck Report! The world's only scientific study in the field of Star Trek Fuckology. I know it's been quite a time since last I ventured down to the laboratory and fired up my Bunsen burners in order to determine which Star Trek character fucked with the greatest frequency. Today we are going to dissect the Season 3 episode, The Enemy

Preexisting Prejudices
I vaguely remember this episode having a main plot that was pretty much the Roadblock/Cobra Commander storyline from GI Joe: The Movie, in that two enemies, unable to survive a hostile environment on their own, end up working together in order to get out of the situation they find themselves in with their lives. I'm sure there's probably some more erudite version of this story but I'm lowbrow trash connoisseur so GI Joe: The Movie was the first thing that came to mind. Anyway I don't remember the B-plot but I hope that's got some fuckin' in it because I know there's no fuckin' in the main story.

Plot Synopsis
Today's episode begins with Geordi, Riker With Beard, and Worf on a desolate planet that's being ravaged by energy storms. All their equipment is fucked because of the storms but somehow the Enterprise had managed to receive a distress signal from the planet which I guess is why these three are on the planet to begin with, but I digress.

The three of them find a Romulan ship which was apparently destroyed after it had crashed on the planet. The three of them then spread out to see if they can find out what happened to the crew of the ship and agree to meet back up at some rendez-vous point at a certain time since there's a very small window of time when they'll be able to be beamed back up. Worf ends up finding a Romulan who tries to attack him but the Romulan is in a bad way so Worf easily subdues him and brings him back to the rendez-vous point with Riker With Beard. Geordi, meanwhile, falls into a crevasse and lands in a muddy puddle. He screams out in vain for Worf and Riker With Beard but the window during which the rest of the crew can be teleported away comes and Riker With Beard, Worf and the Romulan are beamed back to the Enterprise, leaving Geordi stranded on the desolate planet.

After that good, good opening theme song we check in on the Enterprise where Worf and Riker With Beard arrive along with the Romulan, who is in rough shape. He gets whisked off to sickbay by Doctor Beverly Crusher. Teleportation Lord O'Brien, meanwhile, is unable to get a lock on Geordi due to all the interference down on the planet. Riker With Beard then asks Picard if he can lead another away team down to the surface to search for Geordi but Picard tells him no before asking him about the crash site.

Riker With Beard tells Picard they found a destroyed Romulan craft but there was "nothing there to salvage, unless you wanna use tweezers." Picard, meanwhile, worries that the Romulans might be trying to use the planet as a staging area for a new offensive against Starfleet.

While all this shit is going on, back on the planet, Geordi finds loose nuggets of ore and then, after forming a mold in some mud, melts the ore down to form some really rough looking spikes.

Back in sickbay, Doctor Beverly Crusher informs Picard and Riker With Beard that the Romulan is dying. She tells them that she thought it would be similar to working on Vulcans but there were enough slight differences that she doesn't really know where to start. She does know that he needs a ribosome transfusion but it's too complex to create with the replicator so they'll have to find someone on the crew who is a close enough match if the Romulan has any hope of living.

Riker With Beard wants to interrogate the Romulan while they have the chance and try to figure out why he was on the planet and so Doctor Beverly Crusher gives the Romulan an injection that rouses him from unconsciousness. Riker With Beard tells him that he's on the Enterprise and is being treated for his injuries before demanding to know what he was doing on the planet. The Romulan tells him that he will not answer any questions but then says that he was alone when Riker With Beard tells him that he wants to know if there were any other survivors from the crash. Riker With Beard tries to ask the Romulan more questions but he passes out.

"The only answer he wants to give is that he was alone," says Picard.

To which Riker With Beard replies, "Which suggests that he wasn't."

Why does that suggest that? Spoiler alert for something I'm going to spoil in like five paragraphs, but Riker With Beard is right in his assertion but what specifically about this situation makes him immediately assume the guy is lying? The only explanation I can come up with is just low level space racism, "Oh, Romulans always lie..." type nonsense which is tonally inconsistent with the big anti-space racism speech he's going to deliver later in the episode.

Meanwhile back on the planet Geordi uses his metal spikes to climb out of the pit. It's hard going but he eventually manages to pull himself out of the pit. It's a short scene but the entire time I found myself thinking, "Shouldn't they have some sort of grappling hook deal in their phaser or something for situations like this?" I dunno, maybe I've played too much D&D and it's broken my brain.

Meanwhile on the bridge of the Enterprise, Riker With Beard wants Data and Wesley Crusher: Boy Genius to come up with some way to get a message to Geordi. Wesley suggests some sort of HARD SCIENCE bullshit involving a probe with a beacon that Geordi's V.I.S.O.R. will be able to detect. The hope is that Geordi will recognize the beacon as a signal to him and rewire it as a means of sending a reply so that Teleportation Lord O'Brien will know where to beam him up from. Wesley heads off to go fiddle with a probe or whatever.

As soon as Wesley's gone Data tells Captain Picard that they are intercepting a transmission from the Romulan Zone on a parallel frequency to the distress call they picked up from the planet earlier. Picard has the transmission put up on screen and we see a Romulan trying to connect the crew of the crashed shuttle. Unknown that he is being watched by the crew of the Enterprise, the Romulan commander says that they are entering the Neutral Zone and will reach the planet in six hours.

Back from break Picard hails the Romulan ship and tells them that they intercepted their message and then warns them not to enter Federation space. The Romulan commander tells Picard that if he had known he was in the area he would have informed him of his plans to enter the Neutral Zone. He goes on to explain that one of their ships had "a slight navigational error" and crashed on the planet.

Picard calls out this obvious bullshit, saying, "A slight navigational error? Nearly half a light year past the Neutral Zone?" but the Romulan is insistent that there was no aggression intended.

Picard then informs him that they found a Romulan survivor who was brought aboard the Enterprise and is currently being treated for severe injuries. The commander, however, initially seems more concerned with the ship. Picard tells him that the ship was deliberately destroyed after the crash. The Romulan commander then says that he's sure Picard will leave at once to rendezvous with him in the Neutral Zone to return the recovered Romulan to him.

Picard tells him that they have an away team on the planet and are waiting for a window in the storm to beam them up before departing. He then asks the Romulan if there are any other Romulans on the planet the away team should be looking for but the commander insists that it was a one-man craft. He then tells Picard that they will be at the border of the Neutral Zone in five hours and expect the Enterprise to be there as well. He then hangs up the space phone.

Both Worf and Riker With Beard want to detain the Romulan for questioning which is well within their rights but Picard says that they have to be careful so as not to turn the planet they're currently above into something that would be remembered alongside Pearl Harbor.

Meanwhile down in sickbay Doctor Beverly Crusher has her staff stop giving the Romulan drugs as none of them seem to be working. She calls Picard and tells him that nothing seems to be working in treating the Romulan's injuries and that none of the humans or Vulcans on the ship are a close enough ribosome match for a transfusion. She tells him while they continue to look she's going to have to try "old-fashioned country medicine," and keep his fever down to let the body heal itself.

Back on the bridge, Wesley informs Picard that his HARD SCIENCE probe thing is ready. Picard praises the Boy Genius and has Worf launch the probe which reaches the planet, where we see Geordi crawling on some rock outcropping in the rain. Back on the Enterprise Data informs Picard that the probe is operating despite the interference from the storm.

Back down on the planet, Geordi has taken shelter in a cave from which catches sight of the probe's beacon using V.I.S.O.R. and immediately recognizes what it is and who would have been responsible for it.

"Thank you, Wesley!" he says to himself as he heads out of the cave and towards the beacon. Unfortunately for him as he walks towards it someone sneaks up behind him and knocks him the fuck out! Oh shit! It's another Romulan!

Back from commercials Geordi awakes to see a Romulan pointing his own phaser at him. The Romulan informs him, "You are my prisoner," to which Geordi sarcastically replies, "Right. Congratulations. Surely a strategic triumph for the Romulan Empire." Geordi tries to make conversation as he dumps sand out of his boots but the Romulan just tells him that Geordi's going to come with him when the Romulan ship arrives to rescue him.

Geordi tells him that it's not going to go down like that because they heard his ship's distress call and the skies above the planet are now swarming with Federation ships. The Romulan calls him a liar to which Geordi replies, "I never lie when I've got sand in my shoes, Commodore."

The Romulan tells Geordi to get up and come with him. Geordi tries to protest and tell him that they need to work together if they have any hope of getting off the planet. A giant styrofoam rock then falls on the Romulan, injuring him. Geordi, instead of just grabbing his gun and fleeing, helps the Romulan out from the rubble and then carries him into a cave where the Romulan points the phaser at Geordi again. Geordi cannot believe this shit and mutters, "Welcome to Galorndon Core, where no good deed goes unpunished."

Meanwhile on the Enterprise it turns out that Worf's ribosomes or electrolytes or whatever are a match for the Romulan. Doctor Beverly Crusher talks to him about giving blood but Worf is not all about that on account of Romulans murdering his entire family. Doctor Beverly Crusher tells him she understands how he feels but this is neither the time nor the place.

"If you had seen them kill your parents, you would understand, Doctor, it is always the time and place for those feelings," Worf tells her.

Doctor Beverly Crusher tries to reason with Worf by telling him that this specific Romulan didn't murder his family and that Worf is the only one who can save him.

"Then he will die!" says Worf like an absolute king.

Back down on the planet, the topic of conversation is also death as the Romulan mocks Geordi for being afraid to die. The Romulan tells him that for him it would be an honor to die in the service of his people and then Geordi mocks him for believing that nonsense and calls him Commodore.

The Romulan tells Geordi that his name is actually Centurion Bakrah or some shit but when he does he suddenly winces in pain. Geordi asks him what is wrong but Bakrah tells him, "Nothing." Geordi, however, knows that some shit is going down thanks to V.I.S.O.R. and tells the Romulan that his heart rate had just shot up. He explains how V.I.S.O.R. works and Bakrah is perplexed how a child that had been born blind such as Geordi was allowed to live.

"No wonder your race is weak. You waste time and resources on defective children," says Bakrah.

Geordi, however, is more concerned with the fact that his connection to V.I.S.O.R. is starting to freak the fuck out as is Bakrah's body temperature. He says that the electromagnetic storm must be fucking with their nervous systems and they need to get out of there while they still can but Bakrah still treats him like a prisoner and tells him to sit down.

Back on the Enterprise everyone is worried that Geordi hasn't checked in yet and wonders if he's hurt or dead. The space phone then rings and it's the Romulan ship. They are nearing the edge of the Neutral Zone and their commander is pissed that the Enterprise is not there as well. Picard tells him that his away team is still stuck on the planet. The Romulan commander asks about his injured officer and Picard tells him that he is still alive but his life is still in jeopardy.

The Romulan commander gets pissed that Picard won't allow him to come into Federation territory to retrieve his man but Picard is adamant that doing so would be an act of war. The commander brings up his earlier explanation but Picard tells him that he rejects his explanation.

"Territories!" says the Romulan commander, "You would measure territories against a man's life?"

Picard tells him that he is impressed by his concern for a single man's life but tells him not to "risk any more lives by leaving the Neutral Zone." Shit's getting hairy!

Back on the planet, Geordi tries again to reason with Bakrah telling him that they're both in bad shape and getting worse but there's a beacon that they can use to get back to the Enterprise if they can get to it. Bakrah doesn't want to surrender to the Federation so Geordi tells him to stay there and die then. Bakrah asks Geordi what he would do if the situation was reversed. Geordi tells him that he didn't know but probably would only choose to stay and die if the stakes were "pretty damn high."

Bakrah then confesses that he no more wishes to die than Geordi does and finally puts down the phaser. Geordi then stands up so the two of them can go find the beacon but bellows, "WHOA!!" and then explains that he's no longer connected to V.I.S.O.R. and is completely blind.

Back from break, Worf goes to talk to Riker With Beard about space racism. He tells Worf that he understands Worf's bitterness but Worf tells him that Riker With Beard cannot possibly understand his bitterness. He says that he is being asked to "give up the very lifeblood" of his parents to the people who murdered them.

"Must you blame all Romulans for that?" asks Riker With Beard.

"Yes," replies Worf.

"Forever?" asks Riker With Beard, "What if some day the Federation made peace with the Romulans."

Worf doesn't believe that could possibly happen but Riker With Beard says that people thought the same thing about Klingons and Humans. He asks Worf to think about how many people died in that war and whether or not the two of them would be able to be having this conversation if people hadn't been able to let go of the anger and blame.

"If that Romulan dies," Riker With Beard asks, "does his family carry the bitterness on another generation?"

Worf explains that his training tells him that he should do one thing while everything that he is tells him something else. At that moment Doctor Beverly Crusher calls and summons Worf to the sickbay.

Down in the sickbay, Doctor Beverly Crusher wants Worf to see the Romulan before he dies and tells him that it's not too late to change his mind. She leaves the two of them alone and the Romulan tells Worf to come close so that he can die with his hands around Worf's throat. Worf, however, informs the Romulan that he has something in his blood that the Romulan needs to survive.

The Romulan asks him if he has come to hear him beg, to which Worf says, "No." It's a moot point though because the Romulan tells Worf that he would rather die than pollute his body with "Klingon filth."

Back on the planet things are getting really bad. Bakrah has lost the feeling in his legs and Geordi can't see. Bakrah asks him how they can find the beacon but Geordi tells him they can't since he can't use V.I.S.O.R. anymore. Bakrah suggests connecting V.I.S.O.R. to the tricorder and using it that way. Geordi says that in normal circumstances he could maybe do it without his eyes he won't be able to do it so Bakrah offers to be his eyes.

Back on the bridge of the Enterprise, Data informs the captain that the storm is subsiding and they will have a window in less than an hour. Riker With Beard is told by Picard to assemble an away team but at that very moment the Romulan ship crosses over the Neutral Zone. Worf informs the bridge that the ship is now in Federation space and headed toward them.

"Belay that order, Number One. Red alert," say Picard as we head to break one final time.

Back on the planet, Geordi and Bakrah work together to get V.I.S.O.R. hooked up to the tricorder and manage to get it to work. They are able to detect the beacon and Bakrah mentions that the storm seems to be breaking. Geordi says that if they're lucky they might still be able to get off the planet but Bakrah's a bit bummed since at that point he'll become a prisoner. Geordi doesn't seem like he plays like that though and asks Bakrah if he can walk. Bakrah's not sure so Geordi helps him and the two of them set off together toward the beacon, with Bakrah giving directions and Geordi helping him walk.

Back on the Enterprise, Picard asks to speak to Worf in the ready room. He explains to Worf the reality of what might happen if the Romulan dies while on their ship. Worf tells him that he will donate his blood if ordered to do so but Picard tells him that he would not order him to do such a thing and instead begs Worf to volunteer. Worf informs him that he cannot and Picard dismisses him and then calls Doctor Beverly Crusher to tell her to stop asking Worf about giving blood. She tells him it's no longer necessary as the Romulan has died.

Back on the planet, Geordi and Bakrah find the beacon. Geordi explains that they need to alter the pattern the transmitter is sending so the crew on the Enterprise will know that they've found it. Bakrah asks if it will be difficult and Geordi tells him, "No. Not with your help." This is some real "What about side by side with a friend?" shit if I'm being honest.

Meanwhile the Romulan ship has arrived near the planet and their commander gives Picard one last chance to return their officer. Picard tells him that his man is already dead and the Romulan commander tells Picard, "Then he is but the first to fall, Picard," and hangs up the space phone and begins powering up his ship's cannons. Picard orders all power to the shields and for the phasers to be locked on the Romulan ship.

At this very instance, the Boy Genius detects a change to the probe's transmitter. Geordi is still alive and what's more Data detects a second lifeform with Geordi. Unfortunately they are unable to use the teleportation chamber with the shields up and if they lower the shields the Romulan ship will blow them up. It's a real dilly of a pickle, believe you me since the window during which they can safely teleport Geordi back is rapidly closing.

They guess that the second lifeform is another Romulan and as the Romulan ship has no way of knowing how accurate their scanners are decide to just bluff that they are certain the second individual is a Romulan to get the commander of the Romulan warship to chill out for a moment so they can beam folks aboard.

Picard hails the Romulan ship, who seem to be ignoring him, and explain that they have managed to save a second man from the Romulan's one-man craft and want to beam him and the Enterprise's away team off the planet but to do so will need to lower their shields. He says that when the shields are down the Romulan ship will easily be able to destroy the Enterprise but in doing so will also destroy the ceasefire the two sides currently enjoy.

He gets no response from the Romulan ship but has the shields lowered and then tells Teleportation Lord O'Brien to beam Geordi and the Romulan directly to the bridge. Picard has the shields put back on and then assures Bakrah that he will not be harmed. Geordi gives his word as well.

The commander of the Romulan ship then appears on the screen and asks if his man has been harmed. Bakrah explains that he has told them nothing but he has not been mistreated. "In fact", he says, "this human (Geordi) saved my life."

Picard asks the commander how it was possible that he did not know how many men were on the planet. The Romulan commander assures Picard that he was merely "misinformed" about the size of the craft's crew. Picard tells him he would be more inclined to believe him if he were to power down his ship's weapons and with a nod to an off camera crew the Romulan commander makes it so. Picard thanks him and tells him that Bakrah will be returned to their ship at once and the Enterprise will then escort them back to the Neutral Zone. This is acceptable and the Romulan Commander ends the transmission.

Picard welcomes Geordi back, Geordi tells him that he has Bakrah to thank for it. Picard has him and Worf take Bakrah to the nearest teleportation chamber and once their gone Riker With Beard is like, "Woooo! What a close call!"

"Too close, Number One. Brinkmanship is a dangerous game," replies Picard and then the Enterprise and the Romulan ship fly off in opposite directions. Wait, wasn't the Enterprise supposed to escort them to the Neutral Zone? Is this random shot supposed to be something happening hours later or did they just reuse existing footage? Whatever the case, that's the episode.

How Rikered Was Riker With Beard?
Riker With Beard seemed pretty sober here. He was all stern and serious while on the planet and then in supervisor mode when dealing with Worf's racism.

Final Thoughts
This was honestly a very good episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation. I liked that both the A and B story were tied to each other and that both tackled the same theme, albeit in different ways and from different angles. The one thing I didn't really understand was towards the end after the dying Romulan tells Worf that he'd rather die than get a blood transfusion from him Worf has a meeting where Picard tries to talk him into giving blood to that guy. Picard goes on about how without Worf the dude is going to die and possible set off a hot war with the Romulans but he won't force Worf to give the man his blood if he doesn't want to. Worf never mentions that the Romulan straight up told him that he wouldn't take his blood and so Worf just stands there and Picard gets disappointed. It seems kind of weird that they wanted to end with Worf's shipmates thinking he was space racists when the show had already included a scene to sort of downplay that which the audience was privy to but what do I know, I'm just a guy watching syndicated sci-fi shows from the late 80s and early 90s trying to figure out who fucked the most. What the fuck do I know about writing for TV?

Fuck Count
As good as this episode was, there was, unfortunately no fucking to speak of. There wasn't even any sort of low level horniness. It was just a couple of guys surviving harsh conditions and another dude trying to figure out whether or not he wants to choose forgiveness or an endless cycle of racism and animosity.

Total Fucks for Episode: 0
Total Fucks for Season: 0
Total Fucks for Series: 16 (+1~3)

Star Trek: The Next Generation - S03E08 - The Price


Welcome back to my extremely scientific study into the exciting field of Star Trek Fuckology. Today's experiment is The Price, an episode that first aired on November 13, 1989.

Preexisting Prejudices

Nothing from the title or the little Netflix episode synopsis jumps out at me but it mentions Troi "forming a personal relationship" with a negotiator which sounds like a potential point of data to me so hopefully that does come to pass.

Plot Synopsis

Counselor Troi enters her quarters after a seemingly terrible day of work and is informed by Computer that she has three emails from her mother as well as some sort of psychological journal from Manitoba. She requests a "real" chocolate sundae from Computer which doesn't understand what she means by "real." Troi elaborates but Computer informs her, "This unit is programmed to provide sources of acceptable nutritional value. Your request does not fall within current guidelines. Please indicate whether you wish to override the specified program?"

Was this opening bit written by Cathy Guisewite, famed author of the comic strip Cathy? This entire thing felt like a goddamn Cathy strip.


Counselor Troi in The Price's cold open.

Captain Picard then calls Troi and informs her that they're having a reception in Ten Forward for the delegates negotiating for the rights to some sort of wormhole, which is about to appear. Troi, again, channels Cathy and complains that she has nothing to wear but Picard tells her to just wear whatever and come down to Ten Forward. Troi reluctantly agrees and after getting off the space phone, sarcastically says, "God forbid I should miss my first look at the wormhole."

Troi arrives and meets Riker With Beard at the door. He offers to escort her in and she's still going on about her desire to eat chocolate. For real was someone riffing on a Cathy comic strip with this cold open?

Picard introduces her to their guests: Premier Bavani of Barzan II and a pair of negotiators: the Federation's Mendoza who has an incredible mustache and Leyor, an alien with a butt on their forehead. A third negotiator then enters with a dime piece on his arm. He's a human named Devinoni Ral and he's representing the Chrysalians in the negotiations. Troi is weirdly super into him in a way that made me think the two of them had some sort of backstory from before the show started but that isn't the case.

Bavani explains that her planet's scientists discovered the wormhole becomes visible every 233 minutes and that time is about to come. There's a flash of light outside and Bavani declares, "There it is, ladies and gentlemen, the first and only stable wormhole known to exist. It's yours, for the right price."

Woo! Space trade negotiations! My absolute favorite sci-fi plot line...

After that good, good opening theme song we head to the Enterprise's conference room. Since the Barzans' planet is inhospitable to all other forms of life the Enterprise is playing host to the negotiations for rights to the stable wormhole that has been discovered in the Barzan's area.

Just as the negotiations are about to begin Riker With Beard interrupts to inform everyone that a delegation of Ferengi are asking to be beamed aboard to take part in the negotiations. Picard asks the Barzan leader if she was expecting them. She tells Picard that she was not but does not wish to cause any trouble with them so they are welcome to join in the bidding. Picard then tells Teleportation Overlord O'Brien to beam the Ferengi party directly to the conference room.

A trio of Ferengi appear in the conference room, one of them holding what appears to be a velveteen Royal Crown bag. Their leader, Daimon Goss is angry that the Ferengi weren't invited from the jump. The leader of the Barzans apologizes and tells them that she didn't expect them to be interested but says that they are more than welcome to join in the negotiations. This pleases Daimon Goss who introduces his men Cole and Doctor Andor. He then says that they'll need chairs.

Picard introduces himself and explains that he will be the host of the proceedings but Daimon Goss is more concerned with seating, telling him, "Good, then see to it that we get chairs."

Picard wants to explain how the negotiations will proceed but Daimon Goss is still hung up on the chairs, telling Picard, "Fine, fine. Just have your Klingon servant get us some chairs."

"I am in charge of security!" protests Worf.

"Then who gets the chairs?" asks Daimon Goss.

An exacerbated Picard finally interjects that due to the delicate nature of the negotiations all the parties have agreed to only having one representative. He tells Goss that he will provide Goss' comrades with accommodations and as for the chairs, he tells Goss, "You may have my chair."

This is suitable to Goss who asks Cole for the velveteen Royal Crown bag. Cole gives it to Goss and Riker With Beard then escorts the other two Ferengi away. Goss says that the delegates can handle the pleasantries later as he wants to get down to business. He opens the velveteen Royal Crown bag and reveals a number of gold bars and declares, "I'll match anyone's best offer, and add the gold on top of it."

Meanwhile Counselor Troi is using Computer to look up Devinoni Ral. Holy shit, Star Trek predicted creeping on someone and looking up all their social media details. He's apparently 41 and was born in Brussels but moved to outerspace when he was 19. Troi's doorbell then rings and she tells whoever it is to come in. It is Ral who notices how flustered she gets as she fumbles to shut off Computer.

"Should I call for an appointment?" he asks with a grin.

She tells him that she was just looking over some personnel files which seems to disappoint the sleazy Ral who says, "Well, that's too bad. I thought you might have been thinking about me." She tells him that she thought he'd be in the midst of negotiations but he says that the opening rounds aren't ever worth bothering with and there are much more important things to negotiate anyway...namely dinner with Troi.

Troi asks him what happened to his traveling companion from earlier. Ral tells Troi that she is "traveling" by which he means he sent her home. Troi wants to know why and Ral tells her not to "do Counselor Troi." He then randomly starts stroking her hair and takes a hair clip out and then asks her, "Dinner at 8?"

Do these two have some sort of past that we the viewers don't know about? Like Ral's pretty goddamn forward and has some notion of what doing "Counselor Troi" entails which a random dude who just showed up on the ship wouldn't but Troi also doesn't seem to know him, as evidence of her creeping on his Facebook profile. It's all very weird.

Meanwhile in Picard's office, Picard, Riker With Beard, Data and the Federation Negotiator, a cat named Mendoza, look over the data from the unmanned probe the Barzans sent into the wormhole. It apparently deposits ships in the Gamma Quadrant.

Picard whistles in admiration as it would take nearly a century at warp nine to get there while with the wormhole it will take but seconds. Riker With Beard is worried about the Ferengi collecting tolls if the Federation loses in the bidding to them. Mendoza, however, isn't all that concerned as the Ferengi lack the resources the Barzans need.

Riker With Beard seems to agree and says that Devinoni is the one that they need to look out for. Mendoza is impressed with Riker With Beard's ability to get a read on Devinoni. He asks Riker With Beard why he's worried about Devinoni and Riker With Beard tells him that "he was the most comfortable one in the group."

Mendoza assumes that Riker With Beard must be a poker player and after Picard confirms this suspicion tells Riker With Beard that their "skills are not dissimilar." FORESHADOWING!!!

The group then talks about how the wormhole might not be exactly what it seems. The Barzans apparently only sent an unmanned probe into the wormhole and its findings were limited so they don't really know how stable it actually is. Picard says that they might want to do their due diligence so they don't end up on the hook for a "proverbial lemon." Cue Data not understanding an English idiomatic expression.

Riker With Beard suggests sending Geordi into the wormhole. I guess because of V.I.S.O.R. related powers and Data offers to go into the wormhole as well. Picard, however, tells them that no one is going into the wormhole until he's certain it's safe before adding, "Data and Commander La Forge will enter the wormhole tomorrow."

Elsewhere the Ferengi plot to poison Mendoza with some sort of bright blue goop that Dr. Andor puts on Daimon Goss' hand. When Goss shakes Mendoza's hand the poison will be transferred to him and it will put him out of commission with a "short-term crippling." Dr. Andor goes on and on about how the goop is completely undetectable to the Enterprise's scanners and is thus completely foolproof, apparently unaware that most folks will see a hand covered with blue goop and be like, "Maybe we skip the handshake bud."

Meanwhile Ral shows up at Troi's quarters for their date. She invites him in for a drink before they leave. Ral comes in and when Troi asks him what he'd like he kisses her. She turns away from him after they kiss and Ral's like, "There she is again...Counselor Troi." Troi insists that she isn't and orders champagne from Computer. Ral adds," for two."

Troi then admits to him that she's been thinking about him all day. They kiss again and Ral says, "You must have had a nice day." They kiss again and Troi says that they're going to be late for dinner.

"Very late," says Ral as he picks her up and carries her off for some space boning! AW YE YE! After a pretty lengthy drought we're back on the board with another data point in the exciting field of Star Trek Fuckology.

Elsewhere Mendoza is staggering down the hallway. I guess he touched Goss' goop hand. He stumbles into the sickbay and tells Dr. Beverly Crusher that he feels a little bit warm and then collapses. Dr. Beverly Crusher and her staff rush to help him.

In Picard's office Goss is angry that Picard is going to explore the wormhole. He complains that the Federation thinks it can do whatever they want. Picard tells him that they will share all the data they collect with all the parties involved in the negotiations but Goss says that they can't believe such data. An annoyed Riker With Beard then tells the Ferengi to launch their own probe and Goss tells him that they will and warns the Enterprise to stay out of their way. He then storms off and Picard tells Riker With Beard to instruct Geordi and Data to stay clear of the Ferengi when exploring the wormhole. As Riker With Beard leaves Dr. Beverly Crusher calls Picard on the space phone and tells him to come to sickbay.

Down in the sickbay Dr. Beverly Crusher explains that whatever is wrong with Mendoza it's not life threatening but it will keep him out of the negotiations for several days, Picard asks her to keep him informed and then heads out into the hall where he he tells Riker With Beard that Mendoza got taken out with a mysterious ailment and asks if he has any suspicions.

"With the Ferengi around? Always," replies Riker With Beard.

Picard tells Riker With Beard that he's going to have to fill in for Mendoza. He tells Riker With Beard that since he's the designated host it would be awkward for him to take over as the negotiator and Riker With Beard is the next likely choice. He says that Mendoza was impressed by Riker With Beard's "natural instincts."

Riker With Beard, however, doesn't agree with Mendoza's assessment and tells Picard, "Those weren't natural instincts. Those were poker instincts. A card game doesn't exactly prepare me for this."

Picard agrees that the stakes are higher but adds that's "when the game gets interesting," and then steps into a TURBOLIFT! as we head to break.

Back from break it's apparently the next day as Data and Geordi are in a shuttlecraft ready to drive into the wormhole. Cole and Dr. Andor are also in a shuttlecraft of their own ready to do the same thing. The wormhole appears, right on schedule, and the two shuttlecraft drive into it. Communications with the Enterprise quickly become a garbled mess and then lost completely as the shuttlecraft quickly travels out of range of the Enterprise.

Later in the conference room the negotiations continue with Riker With Beard taking over for the poisoned Mendoza. Ral is kind of a dick to Riker With Beard condescendingly telling him that he'll explain how the proceedings work if there's anything Riker With Beard doesn't understand. Riker With Beard tells him that he understands the rules and how to adapt to changing situations due to being second in command on a spaceship.

Ral talks shit about Riker With Beard emphasizing defense and then puts over the Chrysallians saying that while they might not be as powerful as "the mighty Federation," they have had peace with all planets for ten generations, something the Federation cannot claim. Moreover, they have the resources, scientists, and technology that the Barzans are looking for.

Later in Troi's quarters we add another tallymark to the fuck count as Ral is giving Troi a rubdown. Ral says that he's considering stretching out the negotiations for a few days and asks Troi if she would like that. She tells him that she would but then asks him who he is. He asks her what her Betazoid senses tell her about him but she says she can't get a good read on him and blames her human horniness for it.

Ral is pleased by this and says that he likes that he's more difficult to read than Troi's "other men," but Troi tells him that there aren't any other men at the moment. Ral asks about Riker With Beard and Troi wants to know who he's been talking to.

"No one," says Ral, "I just sensed something when I saw the two of you together."

Troi tells him that she and Riker With Beard are just "good friends," and she then straddles Ral, ready for a trip to the bone zone as she tells Ral that at one point she and Riker With Beard were "a little more than that."

She then asks Ral why they're talking about her and tells him that she wants to know about him. She tells him that from the moment she first saw him she felt like she'd been waiting for him and doesn't understand why. Ral finally explains that like Troi he's part Betazoid; a quarter to be exact and that he's the one child out of his siblings that was empathic. He tells her that he was never as comfortable sensing emotions as she was and that was why he left Earth.

Ral then talks about how that sort of empathic power isolates them. He tells Troi that he thought it always would and thus tucked his heart away. "I didn't need it, I didn't want it," he tells her, "At the negotiating table, it can be fatal to have a heart. But I never realised how much I needed mine until I looked at you."

This explains why the beginning of this whole episode felt so weird. Troi and Ral fuck again here but honestly if I were Troi I'd maybe be a little annoyed by a guy using his low level telepathic powers to get in her pants but she doesn't seem to care and fucks him again.

Meanwhile, somewhere else in space, the two shuttlecraft emerge from the wormhole. Geordi tries to see if the Ferengi are okay after traveling through the wormhole but they're dicks to him. Data meanwhile quickly realizes that they are no where they are supposed to be. They are some 200 years away from where the Barzan probe indicated they should be somewhere in the Delta Quadrant and nearly 70,000 light years away from where the Enterprise is orbiting.

Geordi wonders if the probe's readings were incorrect but Data says that he thinks they were accurate and they merely exited the wormhole in a different location. Geordi picks up some HARD SCI-FI weirdness using V.I.S.O.R. and declares, "Something very strange is happening to this wormhole!" as we head to commercials.

Back from break and it's time for one of the horniest scenes I've seen since starting this deeply scientific study. The scene begins with Dr. Beverly Crusher in a thong leotard stretching in front of an infinity mirror when a similarly clad Troi runs up and apologizes for being late. Troi begins stretching as well which leads Dr. Beverly Crusher to comment, "You're unusually limber this morning."

Troi explains that it's because of Ral. She explains that she feels "completely out of control," but nothing about their relationship is rational.

"Who needs rational when your toes curl up?" asks a horny-ass Dr. Beverly Crusher.

Troi wonders if it's possible to fall in love in one day and Dr. Beverly Crusher tells her that she did. Troi thinks she's talking about her dead husband but Dr. Beverly Crusher explains that it was some random guy she met before her husband and then fucking like maniacs for like a week and then it was done. Her husband, meanwhile, took a month to really understand.

Troi wonders aloud if she should maybe slow down then and catch her breath but then she and Dr. Beverly Crusher bellow, "Nah!" in unison.

Meanwhile at Ten Forward we see Daimon Goss trying to mack it to the ladies. He is unsuccessful. Elsewhere Ral is talking to the negotiators with the ass on his forehead. He tells the ass-headed alien that he's surprised that his people are attempting to win the bid for the wormhole since they, as a people, are so focused on research and scholarly pursuits. Ral brings up the administrative demands of running a stable wormhole and how little scholars care for such things. The ass-faced alien confesses that he has "begun to feel some trepidation about that."

At the next negotiation session the ass-faced alien informs everyone that they are withdrawing from the bidding. Riker With Beard asks the butt-faced alien if the Federation can negotiate with them to secure the resources they were offering to the Barzan so that the Federation can add them to their offer but the butt-faced alien informs him that he already reached an agreement to trade those resources to the Chrysalians.

Riker With Beard is suspicious of what went down and tells Ral that he either has "very good instincts, or foreknowledge of the Caldonian withdrawal." Ral, however, tells him that some people just don't want to fuck with the Federation and then officially offers to add the butt-faced alien's resources to the Chrysalians' bid for the wormhole.

Meanwhile in deep space Geordi and Data are now 100% certain that there's some fuckery afoot with the wormhole. They try to warn the Ferengi that the wormhole is unstable and if they don't enter it before it actually opens again they might be stranded 70,000 light years from their ship.The Ferengi, however, thing Geordi and Data are bullshitting them and tell them to fuck off. Geordi and Data do just that, flying into the wormhole while it's still invisible to the naked eye and returning to the Alpha Quadrant.

The two Ferengi then chuckle to themselves over the Federation cowards panicking. They then wait and the wormhole appears right where Dr. Andor predicted it would but before they can drive their shuttle into it, the wormhole disappears leaving them stranded 70,000 light years away from their ship.

Back in Troi's lair she and Ral are having dinner. Troi tells him that everyone is talking about he punked out Riker With Beard at the negotiations. Ral tries to downplay it but Troi says that Riker With Beard was confused by how he managed to pull it off. Ral tells her that Riker With Beard is "the most dangerous man in the room" to him.

Troi, however, says that Riker doesn't have the edge that Ral does. Ral reminds her that she has the exact same edge that he does and that she's acting like it's unethical. She seems to think that it is since he's never told anyone that he's an empath. Ral says because it makes people uncomfortable but Troi thinks he hides it so he can have an advantage during these sorts of negotiations.

He says that people have been doing this sort of shit forever by reading body language and listening to what people say and how they say it. He's just slightly better at it than others and what's more, Troi does the same exact shit so he doesn't understand why she's getting all high and mighty.

Troi retorts that she does it to help others, not manipulate them and what's more she never hides that she's emphatic. Ral asks if she announces to every alien culture that she encounters that she's emphatic or does she keep that hidden to help her crew gain an advantage. He asks her if she tells a Romulan ship that is about to attack that she senses that they are bluffing or does she just tell Picard.

Troi seems to rationalize this by telling him it's for protection when she does it in those situations. He tells her that it's true that it's for protection...her protection. When she is using her emphatic powers to take advantage it's in life or death situations. He, on the other hand, is dealing with property and business negotiations.

"Nobody gets hurt," he says, "So you tell me, which one of us would you say has more of a problem with ethics?" Ral then excuses himself and leaves Troi to think about an ethical dilemma that she shouldn't really feel so strongly about because her argument makes no sense at all.

Back from break Riker With Beard is pounding shots in Ten Forward when Ral shows up and asks to join him. Riker With Beard sarcastically asks him if he has bought out the Ferengi yet. Ral tells him that he hasn't and jokingly asks if Riker With Beard thinks he should try.

"No, but I think that you will. One way or another, it's going to come down to you and me," Riker With Beard tells him.

Ral then puts over Riker With Beard's negotiations prowess but tells him that the final rounds of negotiations are where the stakes are the highest and only those willing to take the biggest risks are going to succeed. He tells Riker With Beard that he's prepared to make an offer to the Barzan for ownership of the wormhole before the Federation and Ferengi shuttles return for more data and asks if Riker With Beard is willing to do the same.

Riker With Beard remains silent and Ral continues by saying, "That would not be looked upon favorably by the Federation, I'd imagine. See, you have to be willing to take that last step alone or it just isn't worth playing."

Riker With Beard doesn't agree with this and Ral tells him that for that reason he's only the second in command of a starship instead of the captain. Ral then continues to needle Riker With Beard by talking about Troi. He tells Riker With Beard that Troi could have been his but he wasn't attentive enough to her needs and now Ral's going to take her too.

Riker With Beard smirks and tells Ral that this is the "first bad play" that he's seen Ral make. He then tells Ral that nothing would please him more than him making Troi happy. Riker With Beard tells Ral that he's "not such a bad sort." but doesn't have any values. He says that Troi is the sort of woman who could bring some meaning to Ral's "sorry existence," if Ral's smart enough to let her.

Riker With Beard then delivers a sick burn by telling Ral, "I doubt that you are," and then offering a toast to "the last mile" of the negotiations before leaving a shook Ral alone in Ten Forward.

Later, on the bridge, Worf informs Picard that the Ferengi vessel is moving out of orbit and are approaching the wormhole. Picard asks Computer if Daimon Goss is still on the Enterprise but Computer tells him that Daimon Goss bounced earlier in the day. The Ferengi ship then begins powering up their missile launchers so Picard goes to yellow alert and hails the Ferengi ship.

Picard asks Daimon Goss what the shit is going on and Goss tells him that he has been informed that the Federation had manipulated the negotiations from the beginning and signed a secret agreement with the Barzans. Picard denies this but Goss complains that the Ferengi bid "was never seriously considered."

Picard tries to reason with Goss telling him the boss of the Barzans welcomed the Ferengi to the negotiations regardless of what Picard thought about them randomly showing up but Goss isn't hearing it. He fires a missile at the wormhole but Worf blows it up with a space laser.

Meanwhile in the conference room the boss of the Barzan tells Ral and Riker With Beard that both their offers have merit but she still needs a "deciding factor." The red alert klaxon then blares. Riker With Beard calls Picard on the space phone to ask what's going on and is informed of Goss' missile attack. Picard recalls Riker With Beard to the bridge and Riker With Beard excuses himself.

As soon as he's gone, Ral gets in the boss of Barzan's ear and tells her, "Excuse me for saying so under the circumstances, Premier, but this fight is really between the Federation and the Ferengi. Now it seems unconscionable that your wormhole is being used as a pawn in their power struggle."

Back out on the bridge Goss continues to threaten to destroy the wormhole if the Ferengi cannot have it. Picard tells him that missiles can't possibly destroy a wormhole but they could blow up the shuttles that are likely traveling through it. Goss tells Picard that his men are prepared to die and asks Picard if his men are.

Troi then interjects that Goss is lying, which is weird because I'm pretty sure in one of the earlier episodes involving Ferengi they established that Betazoids couldn't catch vibes from Ferengi brains. Riker With Beard wonders why Goss is doing this shit then. At precisely that moment the boss of the Barzans and Ral come out of the conference room and onto the bridge. Ral tells Picard that he thinks he's in a better position to settle things with Daimon Goss than Picard is and asks to speak with him.

Ral then tells Goss that the Barzans have reached an agreement with the Chrysalians for control of the wormhole and that on behalf of the Chrysalians he is now prepared to offer the Ferengi free access to the wormhole in perpetuity in exchange for Ferengi convoy privileges to be later negotiated in good faith. Goss finds this agreeable and powers down his missile launchers.

The boss of the Barzan apologizes to Riker With Beard for having to learn of her decision like this and explains that the Chrysalian tradition of peace is a better fit for her planet. Troi then tells her there's something she should know and asks Ral if there's something he wants to say. Ral tells her no so she explains that she sensed that he was suddenly uncomfortable.

"Well, after all, it was a very tense situation," says Ral.

Troi replies that that was what was so odd about it. It wasn't tense at all. She says that she sensed no tension from Ral or Goss. Goss protests over the space video phone, shouting that he was tense and was totally ready to blow up the wormhole. Picard hangs up on him as Troi continues to explain that it felt like Goss and Ral were performing a scene.

Ral tries to get Troi to stop talking by telling Picard that he believes "there's a slight conflict of interest here."

Troi says that she agrees and there was a conflict of interest for her when she kept Ral's emphatic powers a secret. She explains to the boss of Barzan how Ral used his powers to manipulate the negotiations and undermine the Federation's position and what's more cooked up this incident with the Ferengi to provide a concrete reason for her to pick the Chrysalians.

At that moment Wesley informs Picard that Gerodi and Data's shuttlecraft is coming back through the wormhole. Geordi explains that while this side of the wormhole is stable, the other side shifts periodically. Picard asks where the Ferengi shuttle is and Geordi tells them they're trapped somewhere in the Delta Quadrant due to their stubbornness. Data further explains that eventually the opening on this end of the wormhole will start to shift as well.

"It's a dry well, Captain. Worthless," explains Geordi as the boss of the Barzan looks deflated.

Worf then informs the Captain that Daimon Goss is calling and demanding to know where his men are. Picard tells him to advise Goss to set a course for the Delta Quadrant and if he's lucky he might meet up with them in 80 years or so.

A gleeful Riker With Beard then rubs salt in Ral's wounds by congratulating him on winning the rights to the wormhole. Ral replies that he takes risks and stands by his agreements regardless of the outcome.

Later Ral visits Troi in her quarters to tell her that he has been recalled by the Chrysalians who are demanding explanations and will be leaving soon. Troi tells him that she's sorry to hear that but Ral shrugs it off and says that he's done well for them over the years and that they understood the stakes going into these negotiations.

Ral then tells her that he had to do what he did because he sensed that the Barzans were going to go with the Federation. He had used every card in the deck and thus needed to change the rules to stand a chance at winning. Troi then tells him that he must have known that she couldn't let him do that but Ral says his human horniness must have gotten in the way of his Betazoid senses.

He then tells her that in a way he's thankful for what she did since it made him take a hard look at who he is and that he didn't like what he saw. He says that he asked her earlier to run away with him and now he's asking again because he needs her.

"You could help me change. You could be my conscience," he says before kissing her.

Troi, however, tells him, "I already have a job as a counselor."

Ral leaves without saying another word and that's the episode.

How Rikered Was Riker With Beard?
We literally see him doing shots in this episode so the answer is "very."

Final Thoughts
I don't think this episode was a particularly strong one. Ral is supposed to kind of be presented as a scumbag for using his emphatic powers during the negotiations but honestly his argument about Troi doing the same exact shit and her being a hypocrite rang way truer than anything she said about him using his emphatic powers to do business deals being a massive ethical violation but who really cares about any of that? PEOPLE FUCKED IN THIS EPISODE!

Fuck Count
Finally we get season 3 onto the board with this very horny episode. I don't generally do any real research for these things but when people bone in an episode I'll generally look at IMDB and whatever the Star Trek version of Wookiepedia is called to see if there are any notes on the fuck seshes that went down in the episode in question which is where I learned that people were apparently up in arms over the scene where Troi beds Ral prior to the show airing.

Michael Piller is quoted as having said, "It was never meant to be outrageous television. We got quite a few letters from outraged people before it aired, but nobody wrote after it aired. I listen very carefully to those complaints," (Captains' Logs: The Unauthorized Complete Trek Voyages, p. 189). I don't know what to think about that second bit. Like did he tone down the horniness because of those letters or realize that people are just full of shit and carry on full bore with the late 80s syndicated TV show horndog plotlines? I guess we'll just have to wait and see.

Also though this has nothing to do with boning (to my knowledge) it is a little factoid I learned while looking at more serious examinations of this episode to try and find details about fucking. Apparently the story of the Ferengi, Cole and Dr. Andor, gets picked back up in an episode of Voyager. I have not, to my knowledge, seen this particular episode, but maybe in 30 years when I finally get to Voyager after finishing all of The Next Generation, the Next Generation movies, and Deep Space Nine, I'll get to see how that dangling plot point plays out.

Troi: +2
Ral: +2

Total Fucks for Episode: 4
Total Fucks for Season: 4
Total Fucks for Series: 20 (+1~3)

Because of Leotard Dr. Beverly Crusher?

Is this the one with Lloyd Braun? And a deeply uncomfortable foot massage scene? Or am I thinking of some other "Troi dates someone problematic" episode?

Yeah I spent the first half utterly confused by why she wanted to bone him because it happens from the jump. At first I was wondering if he was like some dude from her past that she had a passionate fling with or something because he comes across like a rapey scumbag if he's not someone she already hooked up with in space college.