Star Trek: TNG - An In-Depth Analysis of Who Boned the Most

Things That Irrationally Annoy Me - TNG edition: Seeing K'Ehleyr's name spelled as "Kyler"

Counterpoint: Worf fucked.

Does he show up in TNG it was he a DSN character?

I filed it under "Things that Irrationally Amuse Me," but we don't have a thread for that.

He’s only 75% Klingon though so wouldn’t he be aging two and a quarter times as fast tops?

And she was an Andorian on Enterprise! And for some reason I remember she was on Mad About You.

Star Trek: The Next Generation - S02E21 - Peak Performance

We're coming down the homestretch of season 2 of Star Trek: The Next Generation here at the Star Trek Fuck Report as we look at the 21st episode, Peak Performance. The last couple episodes have been pretty horny so here's hoping the trend continues with this here episode.

Preexisting Prejudices
The little episode summary on Netflix informs me that this episode is about a war games exercise that ends up getting interrupted by some Ferengi. Fuck...this is going to suck.

Plot Synopsis
We kick things off with Picard dropping a Captain's Log informing us that he's agreed to Starfleet's request to divert to some random-ass system to take part in a war game and they will be joined by Zack Dorn, a master strategist, as an observer and mediator.

We then see Zack Dorn, a short round alien guy, as he and Riker With Beard stride across the bridge and enter the conference room where Picard is waiting to meet them. Picard welcomes him and asks if he would like to be shown to his quarters, but Zack Dorn says that he requires "little rest" and would prefer to get down to business like he's a song in Disney's Mulan.

Back out on the bridge, Worf shit talks Zack Dorn. Saying he doesn't look like a formidable warrior. Data tells Worf that Zack Dorn and his people are all about military brinksmanship so, "individual physical prowess is less important than the preception of the species as a whole." He goes on to explain that Zack Dorn's people have been regarded as having the greatest military minds for over nine millennia.

"So no one is willing to test that perception in combat?" asks Worf.

Data tells him that that is exactly right and Worf replies then the reputation means nothing.

Back in the conference room, Zack Dorn explains the war game. There's an old-ass starcruiser called the Hathaway that Riker With Beard will have 48 hours to ready before the Enterprise attacks. The weapons systems of both ships have been replaced by what basically amounts to Laser Tag and then computer will record any hits and shut down any area that would have been damaged if it the shit was real.

Zack Dorn is kind of a dick to Riker With Beard, asking Picard if he's sure he wants Riker With Beard to be the guy he faces in the war games and kind of makes faces when Picard tells him that he is. Zack Dorn is also disappointed that neither Picard or Riker With Beard originally wanted to take part in the war games and asks why.

Picard tells him that "Starfleet is not a military organization. Its purpose is exploration," but goes on to explain the because of the Borg threat he decided that they "needed to hone their tactical skills," in order to have multiple options in a crisis situation. Riker With Beard also thinks that "it's a waste of effort to test our combat skills."

Zack Dorn asks him if his "distaste for the exercise will not affect your strategic abilities." Riker With Beard tells him that when he agrees to do something he does it and then jokingly asks Picard if he wants to surrender now.

After that good, good opening theme song, we check back in on the bridge where Picard tells Riker With Beard to select a complement of 40 to take with him over to the Hathaway and tells him that he can pick whoever he wants save for Data who will serve as his first officer during Riker With Beard's absence.

Zack Dorn is like, "I thought you'd pick the crew," to Picard. Picard responds that on his ship "the leader of the away team has total control of the mission." Zack Dorn tells him "Very well," and then leaves. Doctor Grandma rolls her eyes and is like, "My, what a chamer..."

Picard is like, "Doctor..." but she continues by saying that Zack Dorn "needs an attitude adjustment." Data tells her that Zack Dorn's culture is all about confidence but it's seldom undeserved and then tells her that Zack Dorn is a third level grandmaster in the game of Strategema.

Riker With Beard goes down to Engineering and asks Geordi to join his team for the war games. Geordi has already put together a little bitty ditty bag. Riker With Beard next goes to Worf's quarters and interrupts him as he attempts to build a model boat causing him to break the aforementioned model.

He asks Worf what he thinks off the war games. Worf calls them a waste of time and says that "if there is nothing to lose...no sacrifice, then there is nothing to gain." Riker With Beard is like, "There's pride brah," and then starts acting all like, "I don't even have a chance since the Hathaway is so shit so it doesn't really matter."

Worf tells him, "There's always a chance," and then explains that if when out-manned, out-gunner and out-equipped there's still guile...

"Join me," says Riker With Beard. Worf tells him it's an honor to serve.

Back on the bridge Riker With Beard tells Picard that he's selected his crew but asks if he can have one additional crew member, Wesley Crusher, who he wants "aboard for educational observation." Picard is cool with it mostly because I think he wants two days free of Wesley Crusher. Wesley leaves to go pack and then Riker With Beard challenged Zack Dorn to a game of Strategema. Zack Dorn is pretty much like, "Your funeral brah!" but accepts the challenge.

Later in the hallway Geordi's all like, "So Riker With Beard, you're secretly like a Strategema master or some shit right?"

"Nope."

"But you have got a chance?
"Nah..."

Geordi asks Riker With Beard if he's even going to bother showing up. Riker With Beard tells him that he will since getting to test himself against a grandmaster like Zack Dorn is a privilege. Geordi asks him if there's anything else he can look forward to in the game.

"Nope."

"This is going to be exciting," deadpans Geordi.

Later in Ten Forward there's a huge crowd gathered to see Riker With Beard take on Zack Dorn in a game of Strategema which is played by putting ones fingers in EKG finger sensor deals and waggling them at a screen that's filling up with colored Tetrominos. Before the game begins Worf goes over to Riker and once again brings up my biggest pet peeve about Star Trek: The Next Generation...the notion of gambling being a thing anyone would care about in a post-scarcity economy.

Worf tells Riker With Beard that he wagered heavily on him and if Riker With Beard loses Worf "will be...irritated."

Data doesn't understand the urge of humans to compete. Doctor Grandma explains that people want have a desire to gauge their capabilities through conflict and Troi adds that it's sometimes helpful to test yourself against an outsider.

Doctor Grandma wants Data to challenge Zack Dorn because he's too fucking smug and needs to be taken down a peg. Data doesn't understand why, but it doesn't matter since the game begins...and ends. Riker With Beard gets his ass kicked. Doctor Grandma is disappointed that Zack Dorn didn't get taken down a peg and that's what we go out to break with.

Back from break Riker's team beam over to the Hathaway which is a fucking dump. They only have 48 hours to get shit in order before the war game. Worf is not impressed but Riker With Beard tells him, "it's fantastic...and it's ours!" He then offers Worf the First Officer's chair.

Worf tells him that Geordi is the superior officer so he should be First Officer but Riker With Beard tells him that this is a battle simulation and he needs him by his side and Geordi agrees with him. Geordi adds that if Engineering is anything like the bridge he's going to be busy as fuck.

Riker With Beard then turns on the intercom and we get the old time Star Trek whistle noise before Riker tells everyone that for the next two days everyone is going to be busy as fuck but thinks they'll have shit ready in time for the war game. He wants hourly reports from all stations.

Down in Engineering things are real fucked. There are only some dilithium crystal shards but even if they had some big-ass crystals there isn't any anti-matter to fuel the drive. Wesley opines that, "We haven't got a prayer."

Riker With Beard asks Wesley if he wants to transfer back to the Enterprise but Wesley tells him he does not. Riker With Beard reminds him that the purpose of the exercise is to improvise and that, "It's the effort that counts."

Back on the Enterprise, Riker With Beard calls over to complain about how shitty the Hathaway is. Zack Dorn tells him to not complain about the inequities of life and that how he "performs in a mismatch is precisely what is of interest to Starfleet," since when one is in a superior position they're expected to win.

Picard leaves and once he's gone, Zack Dorn tells Data that he's intrigued by the challenge Doctor Grandma informed him of. Data is confused but apparently Doctor Grandma told him that Data wanted to play him in Strategema.

Data starts to say that he never expressed anything of the sort, but Doctor Grandma interrupts and says that Data is too humble to have asked Zack Dorn himself but is very interested in pitting his skills against Zack Dorn's.

Zack Dorn asks her why he'd want to play against a machine. Doctor Grandma tells him that she understands. "It's no fun going into a game when you know you're going to lose," she says but Zack Dorn replies that he wouldn't lose and then rightly tells her that she's going to next tell him that he has to prove it and we've got ourselves another Strategema game.

Back on the Hathaway Worf comes up with a scheme to trick the Enterprise into thinking that they are being attacked by a hostile ship. It involves holograms and hacking into the Enterprise's systems to trick them using Worf's knowledge of the Enterprise's security systems.

Down in Engineering Geordi and Wesley are trying to figure shit out but without anti-matter there's no way it's going to work. Wesley Crusher suddenly remember some sort of school project back on the Enterprise he needs to deal with. Geordi's like, "Dude, we've only got two hours left!" but is persuaded by Wesley.

Back on the bridge Worf and some lady security officer are pulling things out of the ceiling to hack into the Enterprise. Wesley tells Riker With Beard that he needs to go back to the Enterprise to check on his "plasma physics" project.

Riker With Beard calls the Enterprise and asks if Wesley can go back to the Enterprise to check on his science project. Zack Dorn says that it's fine as long as someone accompanies Wesley while he's on the ship. Zack Dorn doesn't know why Riker With Beard would have picked a non-commissioned child anyway. Zack Dorn is dumb, Riker With Beard weaseled an extra crew member by picking a non-commissioned child.

Some random security officers takes Wesley to look at his science project and clearly does not want to be there. Wesley tells him that his project is wrecked and needs to be beamed out into space since it contains hazardous materials. The security officer is like, "Yeah sure, whatever kid..." Wesley then, instead of beaming the anti-matter science project into deep space, beams it into Engineering on the Hathaway.

After some products and services we check in Ten Forward where Data's going to take on Zack Dorn in Strategema. Data doesn't understand what Doctor Grandma means by "bust him up." Troi explains that Doctor Grandma wants him to win against Zack Dorn as quickly as possible.

"As opposed to what?" asks Data.

The game gets underway and though Data lasts longer than Riker With Beard ultimately falls to Zack Dorn losing the match. Zack Dorn tells him it was a fun game and is willing to face Data in a rematch at anytime. Data thanks him but tells him, "what would be the point?"

After Zack Dorn leaves, Doctor Grandma is a dick to Data asking him, "How could you lose?! You're supposed to be infallible!" A bummed out Data replies, "Obviously I am not..."

Later on the bridge, Zack Dorn continues to be a dick to Riker With Beard, believing that he's not going to provide much of a challenge in the war game. Picard asks to speak to Zack Dorn in private and the two go into Picard's office. He asks Zack Dorn why he's so prejudice against Riker With Beard, calling out his consistent dickishness since coming aboard.

Zack Dorn tells Picard that he looked over Riker With Beard's files and "found him wanting." He tells Picard that Riker With Beard is too jovial for his station. Is this a reference to Riker With Beard being Rikered?

"Ya mang Riker With Beard's too fuckin' drunk and horny to be a good Commander."

Picard tells Zack Dorn that Riker With Beard's consistent Rikeredness is a benefit not a detriment since it engenders loyalty in his crew. Zack Dorn isn't completely convinced and says that they'll see once the war games begin.

Meanwhile Data has removed himself from the bridge and is moping in his quarters after his loss to Zack Dorn. Troi tells him that humans learn from mistakes but Data tells her that he's checked his systems and made no mistakes and therefore there must be some issue with deductive capabilities and until he figures out what is going on, "The Captain would be ill advised to rely upon my judgement."

Back on the Hathaway, Geordi and Wesley are using Wesley's science project to rig up the warp engine. Riker With Beard comes in and is like, "The fuck is that thing?"

Wesley tells him it's his science project and Riker tells him that he cheated. With a shit-eating grin, Wesley tells him that he told him to improvise. Riker With Beard seems pleased by this development and tells them, "It's gonna be fun. Carry on," after Geordi asks him if they're cool.
Back in Data's quarters, Doctor Grandma tells Data to knock off his emo bullshit and calls him out for moping because he lost. Data tells her that he doesn't have an ego he's merely concerned about giving Picard bad advice. She apologizes to him for making him play the game but Data tells her what's done is done and because of it he's learned that there's something wrong with him and he now must determine what that malfunction is.

Back on the Hathaway, there's an hour before the game begins. Riker With Beard checks back in with Geordi and Wesley. Geordi tells him that he'll have warp drive...kind of. He'll have warp one for about two seconds if it actually works. If it doesn't they'll stall "and the Enterprise will waltz right over and pulverize us."

Doctor Grandma and Troi go and see Picard to talk to him about Data's problem. Picard is annoyed as fuck that he has to "hand-hold an android" when they're like an hour out from the war game but goes and pays Data a visit nonetheless.

Data asks him to pick a different First Officer since he's afraid he might make a mistake. Picard tells him he might but that does not change his duty to him or the ship and then asks him if he can formulate a premise. Data says that he can so Picard tells him to formulate a way to deal with Riker With Beard and the Hathaway. He tells Data that he will await his answer on the bridge and as he leaves tells him that it's possible to lose even if no mistakes are made and that it's not weakness, but a part of life.

A short while later in the conference room Data talks about Riker With Beard's use of tactics in battle and how he often resorts to non-traditional tactics. This leads to Data wonder if Riker With Beard will realize that they would have figured this out about him and therefore use a more mundane set of maneuvers. Troi interrupts and asks him to consider the sort of man Riker With Beard is which leads Data to determine that Riker With Beard will fight to the bitter end and the more desperate the situation becomes the harder he will fight.

It's game time! A jovial Commander Riker With Beard reminds the Enterprise that "Captain Riker With Beard has never lost!" as the two ships communicate one final time. Picard initiates the attack with some basic-ass move that the crew of the Hathaway decide is Picard just trying to get them to tip their hand. They do not though, instead countering with an equally mundane move while Riker With Beard has Worf prepare his sneaky trick.

Back on the Enterprise, the crew prepares to fire on the Hathaway when suddenly a Romulan ship comes flying in loaded for bear from out of nowhere. The Enterprise diverts it's attention away from the Hathaway to deal with the Romulan ship but soon determine it's fake. Unfortunately for them the get hit repeatedly by the Hathaway. Zack Dorn laughs his ass off over this.

Picard figures out what Worf must have done and has the security codes changed while Data lists off the areas of the Enterprise that have been damaged. Zack Dorn meanwhile is starting to come around on Riker With Beard, admitting that, "he's quite good."

The Enterprise prepares to attack but before they can a Ferengi ship comes flying in from out of nowhere. Picard wants to know if the security codes were changed. They were. This ship is totally real and blastin' the fuck out the Enterprise!

Neither the Enterprise nor the Hathaway can attack the Ferengi ship since their weapons have been replaced with Laser Tag guns and the teleportation chamber is no working so the Enterprise cannot beam the Hathaway crew back. Zack Dorn's all like, "Fuck 'em! We gotta get out of here!"

Picard tells him that he's not abandoning the crew aboard the Hathaway and tells Zack Dorn to fuck off and then calls the Ferengi on the space phone. There's another Ferengi named Daimon here though maybe that's just a really common name like Dave or something since I don't think it's supposed to be the same dude. He is confused why the Enterprise was fighting another Starfleet ship that it's now attempting to protect and decides that there must be something valuable aboard the Hathaway. They give the Enterprise 10 minutes to surrender the Hathaway to them or perish.

Back from break, Picard drops a supplemental Captain's Log where he claims that "due to a miscalculation on my part, the Enterprise has been subjected to a surprise attack by the Ferengi." I don't know what miscalculation he's talking about unless he's talking about the war game writ large since nothing he did caused the Ferengi to attack since they just sort of came out of nowhere and then thought that the ship he was fighting was worth something. Capitalism ho!

Picard gets on the horn with Riker With Beard to discuss options. Riker With Beard agrees with Zack Dorn and thinks the Enterprise should haul ass to Lollapalooza. Picard is like, "No way bro, if we leave you'll be totally defenseless and shit!"

Riker With Beard is a real cool character though and is like, "Nah when those Ferengi get close will just punch it into warp drive and leave 'em in the dust."

Zack Dorn is like, "WTF brah, that ship shouldn't have warp abilities," but Picard tells him, "I told you my mang Riker With Beard is the best." Picard and Data then come up with a wild scheme to escape the Ferengi.

The plan they come up with is a fucking doozy believe you me. They're going to fire photon torpedoes which are magically back online aboard the Enterprise at the Hathaway and 1 millisecond after they do the Hathaway is going to use their 2 seconds of warp drive capabilities to hightail it outta Dodge and make the Ferengi think that the Enterprise blew up the ship.

Riker With Beard agrees to this zany scheme but realizes that if they mistime anything or if Wesley's science fair project doesn't have the juice he claims it does they're fuck six ways to Sunday. Riker With Beard then prepares another illusion for the Ferengi even though he shouldn't be able to do so since the only reason he could do it to the Enterprise was because he knew the Enterprise's security codes on account of working there before the war games started.

Anyway the entire plan works. The Hathaway warps away right as photon torpedoes explode and then a fake Federation vessel shows up on the Ferengi's sensors tricking them into thinking that they've been outmaneuvered so they fuck off to live to do business another day.

Picard phones Riker and tells him they'll come and pick him up. Zack Dorn then admits that he was wrong about Riker With Beard who totally rules ass. The Enterprise picks up the Hathaway and tows it to the nearest starbase for repairs.

Meanwhile in Ten Forward Data and Zack Dorn have a rematch at Strategema. Data seems calm as fuck while Zack Dorn begins to get flustered and eventually pulls off his EKG sensors and after accusing Data of making a mockery of him storms off in a huff.

Everyone is like, "You beat him man!" but Data insists that the game was a stalemate. They want to know how he managed to get such a high score and Data tells them that he altered the way he was playing the game. He says that because Zack Dorn was playing to win he would assume that Data was trying to do the same thing but instead Data was playing to maintain balance so that theoretically the game could have continued forever.

"Then you have beaten him," says Doctor Grandma.

Data tells her in reply, "In the strictest sense, I did not win," which causes everyone in the most sitcomy fashion imaginable to groan, "Data!"

Data in continuing with the end of a sitcom episode shtick that they seem to be going for here declares, "I busted him up." Everyone laughs and that's the end of the goddamn episode.

How Rikered Was Riker With Beard?
Well, he got called out on being a goof by someone who'd looked at his permanent record so whether or not he was actually Rikered in this particular episode we got some confirmation that it's actually a canonical thing about him that Starfleet has made note of in his files. That being said he was probably hammered throughout this episode since he was proud as shit about Wesley doing underhanded shit to try and get some small advantage in the war game. You know he was saying, "Corrupting a minor...AW YE YE!" in the back of his head when Wesley explained what he'd done.

Final Thoughts
As far as an actual episode of television goes, this episode was not awful, especially when compared to the bulk of the second season episodes I've suffered through. It felt enough like what the show would become in later seasons that I didn't hate this one even if I do have some criticisms of it, mainly the random appearance of the Ferengi for no good reason towards the end. There were other ways to tell this story and have Zack Dorn come to realize that Riker With Beard is a good egg (since that was the main point of the episode) without introducing some meaningless conflict in the last 9 minutes of the episode, though a lot of the time that's how episodes of Star Trek: The Next Generation seem to shake out. A bunch of random stuff happens for like 80% of the episode run time and then in the last 9 minutes they introduce some problem that needs to be solved, but I digress...

All these issues are things that someone who reports on the writing of Star Trek: The Next Generation should probably look at. This is the Star Trek Fuck Report and such things are well outside the purview of this study.

Fuck Count
After a solid entry into the fuck canon we're back to zero with this episode. No one fucked here. No one was horny here. These was one chaste-ass episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation.

Total Fucks for Episode: 0
Total Fucks for Season: 10 (+1~3)
Total Fucks for Series: 16 (+1~3)

I've read the weird technical manuals about made-up Star Trek bullshit and I'm pretty sure the uniforms are just cloth. At least Marvel had the handwave of "unstable molecules".

So where does that leave Webtrek? It was on TV after all.

It is absolutely 100% canon.

Because magic and wonder are waiting for you?

Just as a side annotation on fucking and Webster, Susan Clark, who played Webster's "Ma'am" also played the hooker Cherry Forever in Porky's. Alex Karras played Sherriff Wallace in the same film.

Porky's was the highest grossing Canadian film for over 20 years, before finally being outdone by My Big Fat Greek Wedding. In terms of adjusted dollars, it's probably still at or near the top. As a Canadian I am both slightly amused and mildly ashamed of this.