Star Trek: TNG - An In-Depth Analysis of Who Boned the Most

Poor Boner. (He was Chekov's son.) 

Well, what else would you expect, from me? 

There's also a late-season DS9 episode where Worf and Ezri Dax are stranded and Worf mentions that the uniforms are designed to withstand all sorts of environments. There is also banging in that episode if memory serves me correct. Its worth looking up. 

We will have to agree to disagree on our DS9, sir! If I wasn’t on my mobile I would insert a gif of Sisko scowling.

It's weird how Starfleet officers have time to update their logs even in the middle of an emergency. Is timely and consistent reporting one of the metrics used to evaluate people for promotions? I remember one TOS comic book ended on a cliffhanger with I think Sulu's ship being fired on by a Klingon warship, then the next issue started with Sulu's Captain's Log explaining that they were currently being fired upon by a Klingon bird of prey. I mean, Jesus Christ Sulu, maybe update your diary sometime when you're not actively being shot at.

Star Trek: The Next Generation - S03E01 - Evolution

With the dire first and second seasons behind us and a brief detour to do some scholarly research into why those first couple seasons sucked so much ass, it's time to continue this extremely scientific study to determine which Star Trek character canonically fucked the most. Today we begin our exploration of the third season of Star Trek: The Next Generation, by taking a look at the season premiere, Evolution, which originally aired on September 25, 1989.

Preexisting Prejudices
The little plot synopsis Netflix gives is generic enough that I cannot immediately recall what episode this is about. I do know that it marks the return of Doctor Beverly Crusher so thank the gods for that. Though I came to hate Dr. Grandma less than I did the last time I watched Star Trek: The Next Generation prior to beginning the Fuck Report she is still a vastly inferior to Doctor Beverly Crusher and not just because I apparently have a thing for nerdy red-headed moms in cardigans.

Plot Synopsis
We kick things off with a scene of Wesley Crusher asleep at his desk in front of a monitor displaying "STAND BY" in big-ass letters. Riker With Beard calls him on the space phone and asks him if he forgot to set his alarm. Wesley tells him he did and will be right there.

As Wesley rushes off to whatever he's apparently overslept for Picard drops a Captain's Log talking about how they're in some random binary star system "on a most critical mission of astrophysical research" with some man of science named Dr. Paul Stubbs who sounds more like the owner of a hoagie shop or place that sells wings than guy doing a "most critical mission of astrophysical research."

Wesley shows up on the bridge while everyone looks at the big space TV displaying some sort of double star deal with space power flying off it. Stubbs explains to Wesley what we're looking at, telling him, "over and over again, the intense gravitational pull of the neutron star sucks up the star material from the red giant and builds up on the surface until it explodes, every one hundred and ninety six years like clockwork," comparing it to Ol' Faithful which people in The Next Generation still know about. Anyway, Stubbs is amped as fuck about this since they are only 18 hours away from getting a chance to see it happen. Data corrects him. They are 18 hours 7 minutes and 10 seconds from seeing it.

Picard comes out of his office and asks Stubbs if he wants to inspect "the egg" one last time. Stubbs tells him that he's been looking at the egg for the last 20 years and that Picard "may lay it when ready." Picard smirks and orders "the egg" to be launched.

Apparently it's some kind of space probe or capsule or something and not a literal egg. I am disappointed that we aren't getting a space egg but whatever. Some shuttlebay doors open as they prepare to launch the egg but suddenly the Enterprise starts shaking like a Polaroid picture.

Stubbs flies across the bridge and takes a bump while Picard yells at Wesley to get shit under control. Wesley tells him that the controls aren't responding and down in Engineering, Geordi tells Picard that there doesn't appear to be anything wrong with the inertial dampeners.

Back on the bridge, Worf informs Picard that they are headed right into the path of the space power that's coming off the big-ass star towards the little star. Picard bellows for him to get the shields up but Worf tells him that the shields are not responding as they drift towards the space power. TALK ABOUT A COLD OPEN!

After that good, good opening theme (which I think has now taken its final form) we check back in on the bridge as the Enterprise continues to drift toward the space power. They've only got 30 seconds until impact. Is this going to be the shortest episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation ever? No, they do some kind of hard sci-fi stuff and avoid disaster.

Data informs Picard that all systems are reporting normal but Picard doesn't believe it and asks Computer what the deal was. Computer tells him that "No control malfunction has been recorded."
Down in Sickbay things are really poppin' off. There are a bunch of people milling about and Dr. Paul Stubbs of Stubb's Wings & Subs fame is getting treated by a returning Doctor Beverly Crusher. Oh what a glorious day it is! Gone forever is Dr. Grandma never (?) to be mentioned again.

Wesley Crusher shows up to tell Paul Stubbs that Picard wanted him to know that all the systems are back to normal and they can try to launch The Egg again as soon as he's ready. Stubbs jokes that the Crushers are "a dynamic family team," which they really aren't. Nothing about either of them is dynamic.

Doctor Beverly Crusher tells him that it's nice that she and her son are together again since she was at Starfleet Medical for a year and that during that time she missed "about two inches of him." Uh....what? Bev what in the fuck are you implying here? It can't possibly be about his height since he was a good half a foot shorter at the end of Season 1 than he is in this here episode.

Stubbs no-sells it and tells Wesley that he's not sure he'd want his mother traveling through space with him because she's, "a formidable woman. A woman of letters. A great critic." Wesley tells him that he knows and Stubbs asks him if he read some unauthorized biography. Stubbs then asks Doctor Beverly Crusher if that's all Wesley does, "fly the ship and read," and if he ever has any fun.

Doctor Beverly Crusher tells him that he does, but her son promptly, "Well actuallys" her saying that most of his free time is taken up with his studies because he's trying to get into Starfleet Academy. Doctor Beverly Crusher looks absolutely crestfallen that her boy is a huge nerd.

Stubbs is all healed up so he and Wesley Crusher head off to go look at The Egg. As soon as they're gone, Doctor Beverly Crusher notices the sound of running water. She goes to investigate and finds a food dispenser filling an overflowing glass of water.

"Computer, fix the food slot!" she says and I howl with laughter. They call it a food slot! That's like "car hole" levels of dunderheaded oafishness.

Anway Computer tells her that the food slot is working just fine and repeats that there's nothing wrong when Doctor Beverly Crusher tells it to check again. Doctor Beverly Crusher gives up and tells Computer to deactivate the food slot.

Meanwhile in Picard's office he's rappin' with Geordi on the space phone about how fucked the Enterprise is. He wants Computer in tip-top shape so Dr. Paulie Stubbs' (creator of the famed Stubbs' Six Meat Hoagie) experiment can happen. Picard then adds that he wants Geordi to also fix "the food slots in Sickbay."

Picard then turns his attention to Doctor Beverly Crusher, who is also chilling in his office. She asks him how he would feel if he was 17 and "the only Starfleet Officer whose mother was on board." Picard tells her that he'd probably feel inhibited but he's not Wesley before adding that if she's concerned about him she shouldn't be.

Doctor Beverly Crusher then asks Picard to tell her about Wesley. Picard starts talking about his grades and shit but Doctor Beverly Crusher interrupts and says, "No. Tell me about him!"

Picard tells her that Wesley is "his father's son. Honest. Trusting. Strong." Doctor Beverly Crusher wants to know if he has friends or if he's been in love. Picard does not mention Wesley's dalliance with the transforming space yeti from the previous season, instead just saying that any weirdness that exists between her and Wesley probably is due to the fact that he's a 17 year old boy. Doctor Beverly Crusher then asks Picard what he was doing when he was 17.

"Probably getting into more trouble than Wesley, I can assure you," says Picard.

"So was I. Isn't that what seventeen's supposed to be?"

Meanwhile down in a shuttlebay, Dr. Paulie Stubbs and Wesley Crusher are checking out The Egg. It's apparently all in working order. Wesley asks him how he can be so calm at a time like this. Stubbs tells him that he never doubted this day would come and thinks that some day in the future Wesley will experience something similar. Stubbs explains to Wesley the concept of a "wunderkind," telling him that it's reserved for youths "who achieve early in life." He then tells Wesley that the burden is now his.

Wesley's confused so Stubbs explains that Wesley now has to fulfill his potential and adds, "You will never come up against a greater adversary than your own potential my young friend." Some klaxons start to sound and Wesley tells Stubbs that it's a red alert and that he needs to haul ass back to his quarters.

On the bridge shit is going down! Sensors have detected something coming towards the Enterprise but there's nothing on the big-ass space TV. Worf tells Picard that, "Sensors clearly indicate the approach of a Borg vessel." Riker With Beard orders the shields up but they aren't responding and manual override is fucked too. Worf says that the Borg ship has fired at them and as the ship takes evasive actions the Borg ship suddenly disappears from their sensors. It was another computer glitch.

The ship suddenly begins to shake and doors start randomly opening and closing. Picard yells at Computer to "identify malfunction immediately," but Computer just responds by randomly yelling out chess moves because Star Trek: The Next Generation is a TV show for nerds.

Data tells Picard that the controls are unresponsive and Geordi adds that all the engines are down. Picard sends Geordi and Worf to go work on getting the ship's shields working again and then tells Riker With Beard and Data to join him in the conference room, telling them, "It's time to discuss the future of this mission...if there still is one," as we head to commercials.

In the conference room, Picard, Riker With Beard and Data rap about what's going on. Picard is worried that they might be "dealing with a potential breakdown of the main computer." Data says that, "The system automatically provides for self-correction," and adds that there hasn't been a system-wide technological failure on a starship in 79 years. Um...haven't there been multiple system-wide failures in the two seasons of this show we've seen thus far? Like I remember Picard's first order of "TEA! EARL GREY! HOT!" getting rendered fucked by a messed up "food slot," and Enterprise II exploding because of the same system failure that was causing "food slots" to distribute houseplants instead of drinks. I'm sure if I were to go back and review my reviews I'd find more examples, but off the top of my head there's one that was more recent that "79 years ago."

Troi shows up and tells Picard that famed hoagie and wings empresario, Dr. Paulie Stubbs, wants to talk to him. Paulie Stubbs, King of Hoagies then comes in without being invited and demands to know what the shit is going on. Picard tells him and Troi to sit down and he then explains that Geordi's trying to fix the ship. Paulie Stubbs is a dick to Picard telling him, "That doesn't sound particularly reassuring," before telling Picard that if the experiment doesn't happen there will be many questions asked about why the Enterprise failed to do its duty.

Picard tells him that his primary concern is the safety of the crew but Paulie Stubbs isn't hearing it. Picard tells him that if they can't fix the engine and get hit with space power they'll all die. Paulie Stubbs tells Picard that he'd rather die than leave. Picard says that he doubts the majority of the people aboard the Enterprise share that point of view.

Troi tries to do counseling but Stubbs tells her to stop using her X-Men powers and then makes some jape about getting into the history books for getting blown up by space power before leaving. Once he's gone Troi tells everyone that a lot of Paulie Stubbs nonchalance is an act but he wasn't lying when he said he'd rather die than leave without doing his space power experiment since the entirety of his self-worth is tied up with the experiment.

Down in engineering Geordi is trying to fix the Enterprise. Wesley Crusher is with him as he looks at shit under a microscope. He opines, "If I didn't know any better, I'd say someone had climbed in there and started taking it apart," as he surveys the damage. Wesley gets a panicked look upon his face and rushes back to his bedroom.

In his room he looks at some tin and notices the lid is off. He scans the container with some sci-fi tool and his look of panic grows more severe. I think we're getting another Wesley Fucked Up Episode folks!

In the next scene Wesley is crawling around on the floor in Ten Forward setting weird circular disc things along the floor at regular intervals. He looks up and sees Space Whoopi Goldberg standing there watching him. Wesley is surprised to see her there. She tells him that she was never good at being confined to quarters and that her husbands would attest to that and then asks him what he's doing.

Wesley tells her that he's setting traps because he's afraid that he might have made a huge boner and fucked everything up. He explains that he was working on a project involving nanotechnology for his advanced genetics class and was using nanites from the Sickbay. Nanites that are "supposed to remain confined to the lab."

Whoopi Goldberg cuts right to the chase and asks him if nanites are loose on the ship and wrecking shop on all the Enterprise's systems. Wesley tells her it's only two of them and that he just wanted to see how they'd interact with each other and if he could combine their skills to increase their usefulness.

He then explains that he had pulled an all-nighter but fell asleep and must have left the lid on the nanites tin container open. "It's just a science project," Wesley whines. Whoopi Goldberg tells him that her friend, Frankenstein once told her the same thing.

Wesley continues saying that the nanites are harmless due to how basic they are and that it's almost impossible they could be responsible for the carnage.

"Almost," repeats Whoopi Goldberg.

Doctor Beverly Crusher then calls Wesley on his space cellphone and says that she stopped by his quarters to look for him but didn't find him there. He tells her he had some shit to do but she orders him to return. Wesley tells her he's coming and then asks Whoopi Goldberg not to tell anyone, telling her that he will if it turns out to be true. As he leaves Whoopi Goldberg asks him what grade he thinks he's going to get.

"I always get an A," replies Wesley and then leaves to see his mom.

"So did Doctor Frankenstein," says Whoopi Goldberg. I read Frankenstein; or, The Modern Prometheus not all that long ago and do not recall Dr. Frankenstein's grades being a major part of that story.

Back from break we get Picard dropping a Captain's Log explaining that the computer core has been tampered with but there is no sign of a security breach. He goes on to say that they have the ship's engines back online and will attempt to complete Paulie Stubbs' crucial space power enhanced Buffalo wing experiment but without a computer that works the experiment is in serious Jeopardy and now must be phrased in the form of a question.

On the bridge Riker With Beard orders a manual restart of the engines. Geordi informs him that things look good so Riker With Beard calls down to the shuttlebay orders the shuttlebay doors opened so that the Egg can be launched but the shuttlebay guy tells him the doors are not opening. They try to re-restart things but some goddamn John Phillip Sousa march starts blasting over the ship's intercom.

"What in heaven's name?!" shouts Picard.

"It is 'Stars and Stripes Forever'. sir, by John Phillip Sousa, a popular American composer of band music in the early twentieth century," replies Data.

"Yes! Yes! I know that!" shouts Picard.

Picard yells at Computer to turn off the music but Computer will not. Data informs everyone on the bridge that the music is being played on every communications channel. Picard orders all the power to the bridge shut off to stop the music. Everything powers down and the music stops.

Picard asks Geordi if he can get them the fuck out of there but Paulie Stubbs doesn't want to leave. Geordi tells Picard that he can try but doesn't want to overload the engines. Riker With Beard tells Picard that they can use auxiliary power on the bridge and will find a way to "silence Sousa if he decides to play an encore." Picard agrees but says that the priority must be to find out why the ship is completely fucked. He then leaves Riker With Beard in charge of the bridge and heads out.

Down in the shuttlebay Stubbs looks at the egg and declares it to be "The Egg that Stubbs laid!" Wesley tries to make him feel better by telling him that no one would say something like that. Stubbs agrees with Wesley telling him that, "Nobody will say anything at all, Wesley." He goes on to say that he might be able to live with failure but to come all this way and not even get a chance to try is too much to bear.

He then talks to Wesley about baseball and how it fell out of favor in a society that prized fast food and faster games and ended up "lost to impatience." Stubbs tells Wesley that he has seen the great players make the great plays though because of course Stubbs likes baseball. I bet he sponsored a local little league team...this week Stubbs Hoagies & Wings takes on Sammy's Pizzeria at the baseball field in Woodside Park.

Wesley asks him if he's talking about the Holodeck or clips of old games on YouTube but he tells him that he's seen them in his mind using the knowledge of statistics and box scores. Way to strip away all the excitement from the game and reduce it to its most basic parts Paulie Stubbs. He tells Wesley that he would play seasons in his mind as a reward for patience and then compares his inability to do his experiment to a rain delay. Paul Stubbs sucks.

Later Wesley is back in his room checking his nanite traps. One of them seems to contain a nanite. Doctor Beverly Crusher enters and tells him that he looks like he needs some rest. He tells her everything is okay but she says it's not okay.

He tells her that he's just checking some traps and trying to figure out what's happened to the Enterprise because they're running out of time for Dr. Paulie Stubbs' owner and operator of Stubbs Hoagies & Wings at 503 North State Street right next to O'Sullivan's Bar & Grille.

Doctor Beverly Crusher tells him that he can't take every burden onto his shoulders and tells him that even when he's off duty he's on duty. She reminds him that he's a 17 year old boy so he should be out there smoking space pot and skateboarding with his buddies and trying to hook up with other teens in a sexual way. Wesley tells her that he's also an acting officer and that he has responsibilities.

She tells him that she thinks he's taken on too many responsibilities and Wesley's a dickish 17 year old and yells at his mom, "How would you know?! You haven't even been here!" She tells him that she's here now and asks him what he's looking for. Wesley quickly stops being a dick and tells her that he's made a terrible mistake.

Later in the conference room, Doctor Beverly Crusher is explaining her son's fuck up to the rest of the bridge crew as well as Dr. Paulie Stubbs. She explains what nanites are and then says that the nanites infecting the Enterprise are no ordinary nanites...they've evolved! Paulie Stubbs thinks it's bullshit but Wesley Crusher explains how he created sentient artificial intelligence accidentally as part of a science project.

Wesley shows the nanites chowing down on parts of the Enterprise and tells everyone that they are self replicating and with each generation they improve and upgrade themselves. Data pulls up some footage from engineering to show how rapidly the nanites have reproduced. Picard wonders if they know what they are doing which leads to Riker With Beard asking why they would attack them. Stubbs says that no one asks why a mosquito bites someone they just call an exterminator.

Doctor Beverly Crusher doesn't want to kill them, saying that they clearly have some sort of collective intelligence but Stubbs says the entire thing is stupid since there's no such thing as machine consciousness even though Data is sitting across from him. He says that these nanites were built in a lab in Dakar and that he's seen them being built. He says that what they're seeing is no different than a virus replicating and asks Doctor Beverly Crusher how many viruses and bacterias she's destroyed without prejudice as a doctor.

Picard tells Stubbs that they can't destroy something that might be an intelligent lifeform just because. Stubbs starts to argue some more but Picard cuts him off and tells him that they still have time. He then orders Wesley to work with Data and figure out a way to remove the nanites without wrecking shop on them.

Later in a computer room Data, Wesley and Geordi are hard at work on the nanite issue when Dr. Paulie Stubbs of Stubbs Hoagies & Wings...Home of $3 Grinder comes in and tells them that he needs a computer that's at 100% in less than eight hours. Wesley tells them that they are using low gamma bursts to slow their productivity.

"Have you considered a high level charge?" asks Stubbs.

Data tells Stubbs that high level gamma radiation would either kill them or turn them into Incredible Hulks. Stubbs replies that he knows and then pulls out a laser gun and puts the computer on blast. Data, Geordi and Wesley grab Dr. Paulie Stubbs and disarm him.

Meanwhile in Picard's office, Picard talks to Riker With Beard about Gulliver's Travels and the Lilliputians. Suddenly the air gets real fucked up and he and Riker With Beard start coughing. They go out to the bridge and there's all sorts of smoke and shit. Riker With Beard checks some screen and informs the captain that it's lethal levels of nitrogen oxide. He overrides the air circulation system so they don't die but shit is still going absolutely buck wild on the bridge.

Worf then shows up with Stubbs and Data. Worf explains that Dr. Paulie Stubbs fired a gamma weapon at the computer and Data informs the captain that all the nanites in the upper core are now dead.

Back from the commercial break a smug looking Stubbs tells Picard that he has no choice but to kill the rest of the nanites now since it's become a matter of survival. Picard goes off on Stubbs about what would happen to him if he were a member of the crew but Stubbs smuggly tells him that he isn't a crewmember, he is "a representative of the highest command of the Federation," which has directed Picard to perform his experiment.

Picard tells him that if anyone on the Enterprise is harmed because of his experiment he will have Stubbs' head "before the highest command in the Federation." Stubbs is like, "Dude you're talking about machines...just turn 'em off!" but Picard tells him that Stubbs' own actions have provided evidence to the contrary since when he killed the nanites in the core the remaining nanites started fucking with the life support systems in order to mete out some revenge.

Worf tells Picard that because of the risk posed to the ship, extermination might be the only option at this point. Stubbs is pleased to hear this but Picard tells Worf to confine Stubbs to his quarters until further notice. Worf hauls Stubbs away and the lights come back on.

Picard then asks Data if there's a way to communicate with the nanites. Data says that it depends on how far along in their evolution the nanites are but if they modified the universal translator it might be possible.

Down in Stubbs' quarters, Troi asks to be let in. Stubbs is a dick to her but Troi tells him that he just wants to help and that she's worried about his state of mind. He asks her what about it has her concerned and she tells him that she's worried about how single-minded he is and his need to have the experiment work.

He tells her that it will because Picard now only has one course of action. He then flirts with Troi, telling her that when it's over he'll take her to New New York and chug champagne with her there and laugh about all this. Troi tells him that his self-portrait is so practiced and polished but it's stretched so tight that the tension fills the room and if he fails it might snap.

Stubbs tells her that sometimes beneath a man's self-portrait there's nothing at all...which seems kind of like a self-burn to me. Troi leaves and Stubbs goes back to thinking about baseball box scores when suddenly his room attacks! All his appliances explode and then Stubbs gets zapped by a lightning bolt. He screams and a guard outside his room tries to open the door. When he finally manages to get the door open a completely fucked Paulie Stubbs Wing King of State Street, falls into his arms.

Down in the sickbay, Stubbs regains consciousness. Picard says that he doesn't believe this was an arbitrary attack. Stubbs begs Picard to protect him by killing all the nanites. Picard just leaves and heads back up to the bridge where he tells Riker With Beard to blast all the nanites with gamma radiation. Riker With Beard orders Worf to ready the gamma pulse generators but before he does, Data tells them that he has established contact with the nanites as we head to commercials. PRODUCTS AND SERVICES!

And we're back! Data explains that the nanites are learning what communication is and developing the capability to communicate in real time. Picard asks if they can talk to them yet and Data says that he thinks they can and so Stubbs is brought to the bridge.

Out in the hall, Stubbs tells Riker With Beard that he's not sure it's a good idea for him to talk to the nanites since they already tried to kill him once. Riker tells him that it's one way to get in the record books.

Back on the bridge Picard orders Stubbs to apologize to the nanites for doing some genocide. Data says that if a face to face conversation would be better he is more than willing to let the nanites enter his body and use his neural network to communicate more easily. Worf thinks it's dangerous and Picard is worried about removing the nanites from him once they're inside, but Data says that allowing them to enter his body would "represent a gesture of trust on our part," and, "could be an important step toward peace." Picard agrees and Data explains to the nanites the proposal. The nanites agree to it.

Down in the computer room, Data puts his hand in a machine and nanites go into him. Data speaks even more like a weirdo than normal as the nanites take over his body. The nanites (via Data) express how strange all of them look. Picard says that in their travels they've encountered even weirder looking creatures but they've tried to live peacefully with them.

The nanites ask him why they were attacked then. Picard tells them that they misunderstood their actions as an attack. The nanites say that they were seeking out materials to use in their self-replication process. Picard says that in doing so they endangered the vessel they are all on and they nearly killed a crewmember.

The nanites tell him that they were merely exploring and meant no harm. Picard says that they are also explorers and do not wish to do harm to any living creature either. Stubbs then says that he was the one responsible for the genocide earlier in the afternoon. The nanites know who he is and seem pissed.

Stubbs explains that he was merely attempting to protect a lifetime of work from being destroyed and then throws himself upon the mercy of the nanites. The nanites do not understand what mercy is. Picard explains that Stubbs is asking for their forgiveness and then says that the entire conflict is the result of a series of mistakes made by both sides and wants to agree to end it now.

The nanites agree and Picard tells them that he will do whatever he can to assist in their continued survival. The nanites thank him but say that they have evolved beyond needing assistance. They then say that the Enterprise has become too confining and that they require relocation.

Picard then drops a Captain's Log explaining that Dr. Stubbs used his influence to secure a random planet for the nanites and that Commander Data was returned unharmed. Moreover with the assistance of the nanites the computer core was rebuilt in time for Stubbs space power Buffalo wings experiment.

We then see the Egg get launched into a blast of space power. Dr. Stubbs is beside himself as data pours into his computer.

Later in Ten Forward Doctor Beverly Crusher talks to Whoopi Goldberg about parenting. She asks if Whoopi Goldberg ever has any trouble relating to her children. Whoopi says she just did once with a kid who wouldn't listen to anyone.

Doctor Beverly Crusher says that every kid is like that but Whoopi Goldberg says, "Not in a species of listeners." Doctor Beverly Crusher asks if the kid ever grew out of it. Whoopi tells her that it took a couple of centuries but he eventually came around. Doctor Beverly Crusher wants to know how.

Says Space Whoopi Goldberg, "A mother shapes her child in ways she doesn't even realize. Sometimes just by listening."

Wesley then enters with his arm around the waist of some random girl in the most late 80s neon colored attire. Whoopi says that they're a cute couple. Doctor Beverly Crusher seems pleased that her son is well on his way to the bone zone but then realizes how weird it is that she wants her son to fuck a random girl she knows nothing about and asks Whoopi Goldberg what she knows about the girl to close out the episode.

How Rikered Was Riker With Beard?
In this particular adventure our mang, Riker With Beard, was more or less relegated to a tertiary character. He was hanging around but not really doing much of anything. Barely had any dialogue. Too little data to accurately ascertain how Rikered he truly was.

Final Thoughts
I'm not really sure what this episode wanted to be. Like there was kind of a plot about a mom not relating to her son that never went anywhere and a plot about some hard sci-fi shit with nanites that ended on kind of a low note. Did the concept of "grey goo" exist in real life when this episode came out because wouldn't that be a thing Picard and Co. should have been worried about with regards to nanites? I'm thinking it did due to the fact that the nanites that had were kept isolated from each other in tin cans to prevent them from wilding out so to just randomly give them a planet is pretty fucked up.

Anyway this was definitely better than all but a handful of episodes from the first two seasons but that's a pretty low bar to get over. This is the sort of episode that is perfectly fine fare to watch while eating a sorrow dinner alone of while folding laundry or whatever but not like a great episode of television or the sort of thing I'd show someone who has never seen Star Trek: The Next Generation in order to get them into the show.

Fuck Count
So how should I count self-replicating nanites? Asexual reproduction isn't really fucking in the strictest sense of the term so I'm going to give this episode a goose egg because to do otherwise I'd have to go back to that little crystal entity episode and count their asexual reproduction as fucking too and it would throw off all my fuck counts.

Total Fucks for Episode: 0
Total Fucks for Season: 0
Total Fucks for Series: 16 (+1~3)

The way that Wesley's experiment was phrased, in that Wesley was seeing if he could get his nanites to interact and combine their skills to form something better makes me think he deliberately manipulated them from their standard asexual replication into a recombinant replication pattern - basically, he made his nanites bone, and that's what set off the entire development of a new, sentient evolving form of nanite population.

So really, the nanites should count, and Wesley is their mom. Presumably the lesson being don't let your kids fuck without supervision... which doesn't sound right.

Which DS9 episode was it?

Star Trek: The Next Generation - S03E03 - The Survivors


It's been a hot minute since I've ventured down to the laboratory to work on my scientific experiments into which Star Trek character fucked the most. I don't have a particularly good reason except for the fact that I've been biking home from work which eliminated a 40 minute chunk of commuting on a train that was the primary time I'd watch episodes of a 30 year old science fiction show on my telephone. I suppose I could have been watching them after I got home but for whatever reason I didn't until now. Will I continue to do so beyond this very review? Maybe. Who knows what the future holds? Maybe I'll go back to only watching old wrestling shows on YouTube and baseball documentaries on Netflix or maybe I'll buy a new video game and play that at night instead. 🤷

For today though we've got a review. This episode is the third episode of the third season of Star Trek: The Next Generation and it's called "The Survivors."

Pre-Existing Prejudices
I'm pretty sure this episode is the one where a pacifist god-like alien guy genocides an entire race of aliens because those aliens killed his wife or something. I don't think there's any fucking in this one but as far as episodes of Star Trek go I think this one is a pretty good episode. Could be totally wrong about everything I just wrote here which is the fun of this particular section of the review.

Plot Synopsis
We kick things off with the Enterprise en route to some random planet. Picard explains via Captain's Log that they received a distress call from them a couple days ago on account of being under attack by enemy forces. The Enterprise has been haulin' ass since getting the message and as the show begins they arrive at the scene.

The crew scans the planet they've travelled to in an effort to save the day and find that it's shit has been completely wrecked. They scan the planet and everything is all brown and fucked up and what's more all of the 11,000 colonists are missing. Since the colony was lacking any interstellar craft everyone fears the worst until Boy Genius Wesley Crusher detects something. The crew punches in the coordinates and finds a tiny square of green with a building on it amidst the wastes of the planet and Worf detects, "Two life forms, possibly human."

Picard tells Riker With Beard that he better go down and find out what the shit's going on.

After that good, good opening theme song Riker With Beard beams down onto the planet accompanied by Dr. Beverly Crusher, Geordi LaForge, Worf, and Data. Pretty sizable away team for this mission. They teleport down onto the sole square of green that they saw while scanning the planet and begin to investigate.

They determine that the house is more or less a totally normal house for settlers though they do detect a few modifications to it. Scans detect two individuals inside as well as a single shitty phaser that's broken. Riker With Beard decides to go and knock on the front door and as he walks across the lawn ends up getting caught in a snare and hanging upside down from a pole that shoots straight up from the lawn.

An old dude brandishing a shitty phaser comes out and demands to know who they are and why they're trespassing on private property. Riker With Beard explains who they are and that they heard their distress signal.

An old lady comes out of the house and asks Kevin (the old dude) what he's doing and says that the Enterprise away team is clearly just there to help. Kevin tells Rishon (the old lady) to get back in the house because it could be a trick but that doesn't happen. Instead Dr. Beverly Crusher asks about what's happened and if there are any other survivors.

Rishon says that it's been days since they've seen or heard from anyone else and then expresses shock that she and Kevin are the only ones left. Kevin explains that beings that attacked the planet "came in a spaceship so big you could see it in orbit," but doesn't know who they were since he never saw their faces and had no idea where they went after they destroyed the planet.

Dr. Beverly Crusher performs a physical on Rishon and then asks for her name "for the record." Rishon tells her that she's Rishon Uxbridge and the old dude is her husband Kevin. Data then rambles off their entire backstory knowing their ages and physical education grades from elementary school because he's a creep. He explains that he memorized the personal information of all the colonists on the way over in case such information would be necessary.

Riker With Beard asks to look inside their house and Kevin starts acting weird and asks Riker With Beard what of interest could be inside the house. Riker With Beard explains that the fact that only this building and he and his wife survived the attack is either a crazy coincidence or by design and he's not too keen on it being coincidence.

Kevin asks Riker With Beard is accusing him and his wife of betraying the others. Riker With Beard says that he's not accusing him of anything but the fact of the matter is that the mysterious invaders spared Kevin and his wife for some reason and he wants to find out why.

Kevin apparently relents because in the next scene the away team enters the house with Kevin and Rishon. She offers to make tea and disappears while Worf compliments Kevin for having the balls to attempt to hold the Enterprise crew at bay with a broken phaser.

Data, meanwhile, looks at a tchotchke on a shelf. Rishon tells him it's a music box that's been in her family for generations and that he's welcome to touch it if he wants. Data picks it up and as a little man and woman dance inside the music box music starts to play. We then cut to the Enterprise where Troi, sitting in her quarters, can hear the music playing.

Back on the planet Riker With Beard declares that there's nothing amiss at the house beyond the fact that it isn't a smoldering heap of rubble and asks Dr. Beverly Crusher about the Uxbridges. Dr. Beverly Crusher tells him that other than some signs of stress they're perfectly healthy. Riker With Beard decides to bring them back to the ship with them and tells them that they should start packing their things.

Neither Kevin nor Rishon want to leave which confuses Riker With Beard who wonders how they'll be able to take care of themselves. They are insistent though so Riker With Beard leaves his space cellphone with them, telling them that the Enterprise will be in the system for a few more days at the very least and if they change their mind to call him.

Rishon thanks him but tells him that she and Kevin will be fine since they have each other and we head to commercial break for some products and services!

Back from break the crew gathers in the conference room for a staff meeting. They spitball about how and why the Uxbridges were able to survive a holocaust and whether they'd be able to fend for themselves since they're insistant that they're not leaving the planet. Troi, meanwhile, is still hearing that music box song and it's starting to get to her. She excuses herself telling the others that she isn't feeling well.

Later in Troi's quarters, Troi is freaking the fuck out until her doorbell rings and she calms down and tells whoever it is to come it. It's Picard. He tells her that he wanted to see if he could help at all. She tells him she's fine but Picard's like, "C'man!" so she tells him that she's had a song stuck in her head since the away team went down to the planet. A song that she's never heard that plays constantly from beginning to end with perfect clarity. She explains that it started when she was trying to get a read on Kevin and Rishon but before she and Picard can discuss the matter any further klaxons sound. It's a RED ALERT baby!

One the bridge the crew marvels at a massive warship that came out of nowhere. It matches no known vehicle and has enough firepower to "pulverize a planet" according to RIker With Beard. They try to hail the ship but that goes nowhere and the ship fires on the Enterprise. The Enterprise fires back and the warship turns tail and starts to haul ass. The Enterprise chases after it but the enemy ship is somehow able to match the Enterprise's acceleration speed "point for point."

Eventually Picard is like, "I think someone's playin'. Let's get back to the planet," and so the Enterprise goes back to the planet.

Picard and Worf beam down to Kevin and Rishon's house as the two old folks work in their garden. Picard introduces himself and says that he's brought them a matter replicator which they're going to need if they choose to stay on the planet. Kevin thanks them but says that they don't need it.
Picard explains that it can provide "clothing, food and clean water," but Kevin is insistent that they don't need it. Rishon tells Kevin that they do and then invite Picard and Worf to join them for afternoon tea. Kevin tells his wife that Picard and Worf only want to spy on them but Rishon calls him by his full name like an angry mom and invites the two space adventurers in.

Meanwhile in Troi's quarters, Troi continues to freak the fuck out. Dr. Beverly Crusher comes in with some other medics and tries to help Troi who insists on staying in her quarters to reduce the number of sets they need to shoot on in this episode. Dr. Beverly Crusher offers to "induce delta sleep," which will apparently block out Troi's "deepest dreams."

"It's not a dream. It's real," says Troi.

Back on the planet Picard and Worf have joined Rishon and Kevin in their house for tea. Rishon tells Picard how she and Kevin met and then asks Worf how he liked his tea.

"Good tea. Nice house," deadpans Worf as he sits in a stupid looking armchair and holds a very tiny teacup. I think Worf doing regular-ass shit might be the funniest thing in all of Star Trek. Just like Worf eating eggs or sitting in a living room with an old lady is very good to me.

Rishon talks about the attack on the planet but Kevin seems more interested in when the Enterprise will be leaving. Picard says that he's not sure since they just encountered a warship. He says that they chased it off but it could return. Rishon is scared by this but Kevin assures her that it didn't hurt them before and won't hurt them this time.

Picard wants to know if he is sure of that. Kevin admits that he isn't but doesn't like to see his wife scared and then again tells Picard that he doesn't know why they were spared. Picard is like, "there had to be some reason. In some way you were different from the other colonists."

Eventually Kevin admits that he is a pacifist and would not fight but there was no way for those aboard the warship to know this. He says that he expected to die like all the others. Kevin then tells Picard that there's no reason for the Enterprise to hang around since he and Rishon will manage just fine.

After Kevin leaves Rishon tells Picard that Kevin is a gentle man and that he grieves for the others but did nothing. Picard asks Rishon what she wanted to do. She tells him that she wanted to fight but ultimately stayed with her husband. She thanks Picard for the replicator and then tells him that she needs to start cleaning up. Picard offers to take her back to the Enterprise but she tells him that she can't leave the planet even if it means her life.

Back in Troi's quarters Troi continues to freak the fuck out so Dr. Beverly Crusher decides to put her in a medically induced coma.

Back on the bridge the mysterious warship has returned and it's looking "a lot meaner." The ship attacks the Enterprise and in an instant the shields are down. Worf scrambles and gets the shields back up but the warship puts them on blast again and again the shields drop. Picard's like, "Enough of this shit. Put 'em on blast Worf!" and so Worf fires away but it does nothing to the enemy ship. Riker With Beard tells Worf to give the ship everything they've got but before he can the enemy ship shoots the Enterprise and there are random sparks on the bridge as stuntmen in Starfleet uniforms go flying.

Worf informs them that the Enterprise has sustained internal damage and they've lost control of the weapons systems. Picard orders Wesley to move the Enterprise out of the way which he does. The warship almost immediately stops pursuing the Enterprise and starts to orbit the planet. Riker With Beard asks Picard what they should do about Kevin and Rishon.

"We can't help them, but it's my guess they're in no danger."

Down in Troi's quarters Picard talks to Dr. Beverly Crusher about Troi's condition. Dr. Beverly Crusher is completely poleaxed and can't determine what the shit is going on with the music Troi's hearing. Picard asks if it might be telepathic. Dr. Beverly Crusher opines that it could be but says that she's not the expert on that sort of thing.

Picard tells Dr. Beverly Crusher that he thinks Kevin and Rishon did something to Troi to block her X-Men powers and prevent her from seeing the truth about who or what they really are. Picard then has an epiphany and realizes that Kevin and Rishon had wanted them to leave the planet and that's exactly what they did. He calls down to Riker With Beard and tells him to maintain their current course for an hour then turn around and go back to the planet. Riker With Beard tells him that the shields won't be back online by then but Picard doesn't seem to care.

The Enterprise returns to the planet and again the enemy warship is nowhere to be seen. Picard tells Riker With Beard that he has the bridge while he and Worf pay the Uxbridges another visit. Riker With Beard tells him that he's worried the warship could return and pleads with Picard to reconsider.

Picard tells him that he doesn't think the warship knows that they're back but thinks it will change once he returns to the ship from the planet. Riker With Beard is confused so Picard tells him that he thinks the warship is somehow protecting Kevin and Rishon and that it seems to be responding to their wishes. He's going to put his theory to the test.

Worf and Picard beam down to find Kevin and Rishon waltzing about in their living room. Picard asks them if they are celebrating but Kevin's just pissed off that a couple of random dudes just beamed into his living room and asks him to stop interfering in their lives and leave them alone. Picard tells him that when he leaves today he will never set foot in Kevin's house again but the Enterprise will continue to orbit above the planet to protect them.

Picard explains that the warship has returned and that the Enterprise fought against it with a number of his crew suffering injuries as a result of the battle. Picard also mentions that Troi's freaking the fuck out and that her "mind is slowly being destroyed by telepathic manipulation."

Kevin accuses Picard of trying to intimidate them and tells Picard that he has his rights. Picard again offers to take Rishon to safety but she refuses, saying she can't leave Kevin. Kevin says that she's safe with him in the house. Picard then asks Kevin if Rishon were in danger would he kill to save her.

He tells Picard that he would not kill for her or anyone else and seems pained. Rishon tells Picard to stop hurting him and then asks him to leave. Picard says that he's going but again tells them that the Enterprise will remain in orbit as long as the two of them live.

Picard returns to the Enterprise and almost immediately the enemy warship returns. Picard has sussed out what's going on and has everyone sit tight while the warship fires a single shot at the planet, destroying the Uxbridges home and killing them both. Picard then has Worf fire a single shot at the warship which explodes spectacularly. Picard then has Boy Genius Wesley Crusher move the Enterprise into a higher orbit and tells them to keep the planet under surveillance. He then retires to his office.

Later in Picard's Office, Riker With Beard asks him what's going on. He tells Picard that they've been watching the planet for three hours but have seen nothing but that he thinks Picard is waiting for something to happen.

Picard tells him that he has an assumption but he's not sure what the result will be or even if it's a correct one. "We found two people alive in a house on a devastated planet but there was only one survivor of the war on Rana Four," he tells the coolest commander in the history of space commanders.

Back out on the bridge Geordi detects that the Uxbridges' house has suddenly returned. Picard asks if there is any sign of life and Worf says that he detects two life forms inside the house. Picard orders the ship to move within teleportation range and then has Kevin and Rishon beamed directly onto the bridge.

Rishon is angry at having been beamed onto the Enterprise against their will but Picard tells them that he wants them to fix Troi's brainfuckled brain. Rishon doesn't know what he's talking about but Picard tells her that Kevin does since he's responsible. Picard then lays out his hypothesis: the house that they were in was destroyed during the attack and that everything that Picard and his crew had seen was but a recreation. "Real to the touch but able to be created, destroyed, and created all on a whim."

Picard continues by saying that the warship was another creation designed to get the Enterprise to leave since the house and Kevin and Rishon's existence were incongruities that they were not prepared to explain. It didn't work though so when Picard told them the only way the Enterprise would leave was if Kevin and Rishon were dead they did their "best to satisfy that condition."

Kevin tells Picard that he is sorry about what happened to Troi and will help her but wants to know what they intend to do with him afterwards. Picard tells him that he'll be take to a starbase and held responsible for the attack on the Enterprise and possibly the deaths of the 11,000 colonists.

Rishon pleads with Picard saying that Kevin never killed anyone and Kevin says that the destruction on the planet happened exactly as he told them earlier. Picard tells him that he didn't tell them the whole story since he's left off "the part about Rishon."

Rishon asks what the shit he's on about and Picard says that even though he can touch her, hear her voice and smell her perfume she does not actually exist. Picard tells her that she died defending the colony with the other and that Kevin recreated her like he did with the house.

Rishon then vanishes and Picard tells Kevin that he's the only living thing that survived on the planet and though he looks human he isn't. Kevin then turns into light and disappears. Geordi says Kevin's in the turbolift but Picard says to let him go. Worf is like, "He's dangerous!"

Picard responds that Kevin is so dangerous that he could have destroyed them all in an instant if he so desired. Picard tells the bridge crew to alert everyone to give Kevin a wide berth so that he knows they mean him no harm. Riker With Beard asks if Kevin will go back to his planet but Picard thinks that if he's the creature he thinks he is he will help Troi first.

Down in Troi's quarters, Dr. Beverly Crusher enters to find Kevin there standing beside Troi. He tells her that he's taken the music from her mind and she will be fine now. He explains that he had been living as a human for 50 years but he couldn't hide his true nature from Troi and says that Troi "suffered because of my pride and selfishness. It will not happen again."

Picard then shows up and asks Kevin for the whole story. Kevin explains that he is a Dowd, an immortal being with trickster god powers. He says that on a trip to Earth while in human form he happened to meet Rishon and fell in love with her. He put aside his powers and became her husband and the two of them had come to the colony to live out their final years together but she died without ever knowing what he really was.

Kevin then reveals that the colony was attacked by a warship belonging to a species known as the Huss Knocks who "knew only aggression and destruction." Kevin explains that he could have destroyed them with a mere thought but did not because he will not kill.

"You let the colonists fight a hopeless battle?" asks Picard.

Kevin explains that he tried to use trickery to fool the Huss Knocks like he did with the Enterprise but that only pissed them off more and in the end Rishon went to fight with the colonists against the Huss Knocks and died because of it. In the end he was left all alone and when he saw his dead wife and in a moment of grief he was filled with hatred and destroyed the Huss Knocks.

Dr. Beverly Crusher is like, "Why did you try to hide this from us?" and wonders if it was out of guilt for not helping Rishon and the colonists when they were alive.

"You don't understand what I'm saying. When I said I destroyed the Huss Knocks I meant ALL the Huss Knocks. All Huss Knocks everywhere," Kevin replies, "Are eleven thousand people worth fifty billion? Is the love of a woman worth the destruction of an entire species? This is the sin I tried so hard to keep you from learning now. Why I wanted to chase you from Rana."

Picard's like, "Uh yeah I'm punting on this one buddy. You can go back down to your planet and make your dead wife live again I guess."

Kevin leaves and things return to normal. Picard wraps things up by dropping a Captain's Log saying he doesn't know if Kevin should be praised or condemned but he should be left alone. And that's the episode!

How Rikered Was Riker With Beard?
Except for randomly walking into a snare trap like a dope, Riker With Beard didn't seem all that messed up in this adventure. There's a part of me that thinks he was drunk as shit when he got caught in an Ewok trap on Kevin's front lawn and then after that went back to the Enterprise and was like, "I can't believe I walked right into that trap. I gotta get my shit together!" and then got his shit together for the remainder of the episode.

Final Thoughts
I love a trickster space god named Kevin. So good. While away from the Fuck Report I've been watching old ECW wrestling shows and for awhile there they had a vampire wrestler named Kevin which I thought was pretty funny. I mean a vampire named Kevin who moonlights as a pro-wrestler? That's hilarious, but a trickster space god named Kevin is an order more ludicrous and I absolutely love it.

What I loved a bit less was Picard just being like, "A genocide? Well, I guess you're free to go pal." Like I understand that there isn't really any way you could actually punish and immortal being with the power to bend reality but Picard just punting on it and then opining that he didn't know if Kevin "I Successfully Did Genocide" Uxbridge should be praised or condemned ended what was otherwise a perfectly cromulent episode of Star Trek on a bit of a sour note.

Fuck Count
Speaking of sour notes, we're three for three in season 3 for chaste-ass episode of Trek. There wasn't even any horniness here unless you count a trickster space god's love for his dead wife causing him to genocide a race of space marauders as horniness.

Total Fucks for Episode: 0
Total Fucks for Season: 0
Total Fucks for Series: 16 (+1~3)

Star Trek: The Next Generation - S03E04 - Who Watches the Watchers

After not working on this very important study for nearly two months I feel like I should try to keep my momentum going and examine another data point in my ongoing work in the field of Star Trek fuckology. Today we're taking an in depth look at the fourth episode of season three, Who Watches the Watchers.

Pre-Existing Prejudices
I think this is the one where the crew of the Enterprise ends up accidentally revealing themselves to cave Romulans with hilarious consequences (ie Picard getting revered as a deity and someone else almost getting sacrificed to curry favor with him). Don't remember if Riker With Beard engages is dickplomacy in this episode but I think it's not a terrible episode of a non-serialized sci-fi show from the late 80s either way.

Plot Synopsis
The episode begins with the Enterprise haulin' ass to a planet called Mintaka III in order to resupply a three person anthropological team studying the local inhabitants and repair the outpost's broken reactor.

As the episode begins Geodi expresses some confusion on why a three person station would need such a powerful generator but then realizes that because their anthropologists they must be using it to create a holographic duck blind. I kind of like when Geordi asks a question that in the Next Generation (whenever that is) would be super dumb, and then answers it himself for the benefit of the viewers at home. Like this exchange feels like if I asked someone, "Why did we put the beer in the refrigerator? Oh right because the fridge makes the beer cold and we want to enjoy some cold ones while watching the big game." Good stuff.

Bridge crew banter reveals that the inhabitants of Mintaka III are proto-Vulcan humanoids known as the Mintakans who have reached a Bronze Age level of cultural development. Troi explains that they are "quite peaceful and highly rational."

The Enterprise then gets a call from the outpost on Mintaka III. It's pretty garbled but Barron, the anthropologist on the other end, tells them that their temporary repairs have failed and their reactor is nonoperational. They only have three hours of backup battery power so Picard has Data increase speed to Warp Seven. They'll arrive in 23 minutes but as Picard informs Barron of this everyone on the Enterprise sees a huge explosion in the outpost.

On Mintaka III the hologram of a cliff face vanishes and one of the anthropologists randomly falls out of a window or something and tumbles undoubtedly to their death.

Back on the Enterprise Worf informs Picard that they've lost contact. Picard orders the ship's speed increased to Warp NINE!

After that good, good opening theme song, Riker With Beard, Geordi, Data, Dr. Beverly Crusher and a nameless medic beam down into the anthropology science hole. Electricity is still poppin' off as they arrive and Geordi tells them to be careful.

Meanwhile outside a pair of Mintakans, one male and one female, clad in rough woven clothing are walking near the science hole. The man doesn't know why they have to come so early but the young woman explains that she wants to be ready to take measurements with a sundial when the sun reaches its zenith.

The dude says that she's read the sundial hundreds of times before but the young woman says she's never done it "as the appointed record keeper." They're apparently father and daughter and as the daughter messes around with the sundial she notices something glinting up in the rocks. It's the science hole but neither she nor her father know that...yet.

While the away work to repair the science hole's generator and aid the injured anthropologists, the two Mintakans move close to investigate and now have a clear view of the science hole. The man tells his daughter, OG, to wait at the base of the cliff while he goes up for a closer look.

The dude climbs right up to the science hole and stares into the window like a creep as the nameless medic and one of the anthropologists get beamed up. Data notices the Mintakan dude creepin' on 'em and informs Riker With Beard of his presence but before anything else can happen the Minakan dude touches some sort of loose wire or something and gets electrocuted and sent flying off the cliff face to the rocks below.

Dr. Beverly Crusher goes down to check on the dude while his daughter, OG, hides and watches on. Dr. Beverly Crusher scans the man and determines that his injuries are too grievous to treat there and calls to be beamed back to the Enterprise with the man.

Back in the science hole Geordi repairs and/or replaces the generator and the hologram returns. Out at the bottom of the cliff OG watches in shock as the science hole vanishes.

Back on the Enterprise, Dr. Beverly Crusher is hard at work tending to the injured anthropologists and also the injured Mintakan when Picard enters lookin' none too pleased and wanting to talk to Dr. Beverly Crusher. She cuts him off and says that before Picard can start quoting the Prime Directive at her the Mintakan dude had already seen them.

"The damage was done. It was either bring him aboard or let him die," say Dr. Beverly Crusher.

"Then why didn't you let him die?" asked Picard.

Dr. Beverly Crusher tells him that since they were responsible for his injuries she was responsible for healing him up. Picard says that he's not sure that he agrees but since he's on the Enterprise she's going to have to remove all of his memories of encountering the away team. Dr. Beverly Crusher seems perplexed by this even though there was an episode in the previous season that made this sort of procedure seem pretty commonplace.

Picard tells her it's been done before and Dr. Beverly Crusher tells him that she's aware of Doctor Grandma's technique so I guess it's retconned to be some crazy-ass thing that Doctor Grandma dreamed up.

Anthropologist Warren wakes up and starts hollering about Palmer (one of the other anthropologists I guess) and Picard that he must find Palmer. While this is all going on the Mintakan guy wakes and sees and hears what's going on. Picard tells Warren that they won't leave until they locate Palmer. Picard then calls Worf and tells him to start scanning for Palmer. Worf tells him that he isn't detecting any human life on the planet but may be able to get better results by moving closer to the planet.

The Mintakan dude then mumbles, "Picard..." revealing to everyone that he's awake. Dr. Beverly Crusher swears and sedates him again and Picard tells her that her next task is clear.

A time jump later the Mintakan dude gets beamed back down to his planet alone. He wakes up and starts calling for OG who hears him and comes running. She tells him that she was sure he was dead and didn't think she'd ever see him again after he and the woman vanished.

Her dad tells her that he's pretty sure he was dead but he was brought back to life and awoke in an incredible place. OG asks him how it was possible and her dad tells her that long ago the Mintakan people believed in beings with great powers; beings who "made the rains come, told the sun when to rise, they caused all life to be born, to grow, to die."

OG tells her dad that he's talking a lot of nonsense and all those stories were just old superstitions. Her dad however thinks that maybe the stories were true since nothing else can explain what happened to him. He then tells her that they must tell the other Mintakans what happened.

Back on the Enterprise the crew is in the conference room. Dr. Beverly Crusher gives an update on the anthropologists. Anthropologist Barron is in stable condition but Anthropologist Warren is still in critical condition. Riker adds that the third anthropologist, Palmer, is still missing. He explains that they've scanned the planet but only see signs of Mintakan life. Data says that the area around the science hole is lousy with sinkholes and caverns that Palmer could have gone into and since the rock strata contains, "a high concentration of thallium compounds" the scanners might not be able to detect him.

Dr. Beverly Crusher says that if Palmer is still alive he's going to require medical attention. She wants to send an away team to look for him but Troi and Picard don't want to inflict any more cultural contamination on the Mintakans. Luckily for them Riker With Beard has a plan...

MINTAKAN-FACE!

That's right. Riker With Beard decides that the solution to their problem is to have Dr. Beverly Crusher do sci-fi body mod shit on him and Troi to change their skin color and give them pointy Mintakan ears. Dr. Beverly Crusher also apparently "implanted subcutaneous communicators" so that Riker With Beard and Troi can communicate with the Enterprise on the down low.

Down on Mintaka III Riker With Beard and Troi are in full on Mintakan-face. After checking in with the Enterprise to make sure their implanted communicators work, Troi tells Riker With Beard that Mintakan are a very sensible people and that Mintakan women walk in front of their mates as a signal to other women.

"This man's taken, get your own?" jokes Riker With Beard.

Troi explains that it's more to say, "If you want his services, I'm the one you have to negotiate with." Riker With Beard wants to know what sort of services she's talking about. "All kind," Troi replies.

Riker With Beard smirks and replies, "They are a sensible race." There's the horniness we've been looking for!

Troi and Riker walk into some sort of Mintakan settlement as OG's dad is talking to some old coot about his experience with the gods. The old coot doesn't seem to fully believe OG's dad but confirms that the legends of their ancestors spoke of an Overseer who could vanish like smoke and heal the dead, "or so our ancestors believed."

OG's dad explains that he saw the Overseer and "he is called the Picard."

"Uh oh," says Riker With Beard as he and Troi realize that OG's dad's brain didn't get wiped.

A Mintakan woman enters and tells OG's dad, "Liko, all this talk of supernatural beings. No one has believed that for countless generations. Just as we no longer believe the stars control our fates, or the spirits of the dead haunt the living."

OG's dad, hereinafter Liko, tells the woman (who is apparently named Nuria) that he's not saying that everything their ancestors believed was true but he did totally see the Picard and get brought back to life by him,

Troi then interjects that she and Riker With Beard are visitors who have come to trade their cloth and asks if they may speak. Nuria introduces herself and tells them they are more than welcome to speak.

Troi introduces herself and Riker With Beard by their actual names which is pretty weird especially since no one is like, "Wow those are some pretty weird names that sound nothing like the names we Mintakans have." She then attempts to explain that Liko must have had one hell of a dream.

Liko insists that what he saw was real and OG tells her that she also saw the beings her father is talking about. Troi tells them that because they are father and daughter they must have had the same dream. Liko's like, "That is not reasonable." Fair point to him.

Riker asks him if it's "any less reasonable than being magically transformed to another place by the Picard?"

Before Liko can answer, two Mintakan dudes walk in carrying the missing anthropologist, Palmer. Liko sees the man and bellows, "It has to be Palmer! The one the Picard wished to find."

Now that I'm typing this up I realize that Liko knowing that Picard wanted to find a dude named Palmer makes absolutely no sense. A lot of the language stuff on this show I'm willing to handwave away because it's all space going aliens and robots and shit that I assume all have universal translators. Like Riker and Troi being able to speak to the Mintakans I'm willing to allow for since I assume they have some sort of translation thing they're using but Liko is a bronze age herdsman or something and he somehow understood everything that was being said when he woke up in sickbay. Total bullshit.

Nuria expresses surprise that Liko apparently was telling the truth. Liko surmises that the Picard will be pleased that they located Palmer and the Mintakans all leave to deal with Palmer leaving Riker With Beard and Troi alone. They call Picard and tell him that the cultural contamination is worse than they thought.

"The Mintakans are beginning to believe in a god," Riker With Beard tells Picard, "and the one they've chosen is you!"

Back on the Enterprise Anthropologist Barron wants Picard to immediately beam Palmer aboard but Picard's like, "You dope, there's Mintakans all over the place. If Palmer disappears now in front of them the impact will be terrible."

Barron disagrees and believes that it will only slightly increase the already existent cultural contamination and that it's a small price to pay in order to save Palmer's life. Picard asks Riker With Beard if there's any way they can teleport Palmer back onto the Enterprise unseen.

"We can try," says Riker.

"Try hard!" orders Picard.

Barron is annoyed and thinks that Picard is putting Palmer at risk by not just beaming him up but Picard reminds him that all of them, including Anthropologist Palmer took an oath to uphold the Prime Directive with their lives if necessary.

Back on the planet, the two men who arrived with Palmer explain to Nuria that they found him sleeping in a cave when they followed an animal they were hunting into the cave. Nuria asks if Palmer is one of the Overseer's servants and Liko tells her that he is and that the Picard has many such servants and then asks the old coot (apparently named Fento) if he's right.

Fento replies that the legends say that the Overseer did have a fuckton of servants but then wonders if Palmer was truly a servant of the Overseer why was he just chilling in the cave. OG speculates that he might have run away. One of the hunters spitballs that maybe Palmer failed the Picard in some way and was trying to hide from him.

Liko thinks that they should tie Palmer up then in case he wakes up and tries to escape. Riker With Beard thinks tieing Palmer up over some old superstitions is a bunch of horseshit but Nuria says she disagrees since all the evidence now seems to indicate that the Overseer does exist. Liko again reiterates that he heard Picard say that he wanted to find Palmer and then adds that by keeping Palmer safe the Picard will grant them favors in return.

Nuria's like, "The shit you talkin' about favors?"

Old Coot Fento explains that the legends say that the Overseer was all powerful and able to "provide gentle winters, plentiful hunting, fertile crops, anything." Liko adds that the Overseer can even bring back people who have died because apparently he's an expert on the Overseer.

Nuria is swayed by all this Overseer talk and agrees to save Palmer to return him to the Picard. Troi thinks quick on her feet and is like, "I've seen another one! Like Palmer!" and then tells the Mintakans that he is heading to the caves. Everyone leaves except for Old Coot Fento who Nuria tells to stay behind and bind Palmer.

As everyone runs off after Troi, Riker With Beard tells Fento that the knot he's tying is no good and offers to show him a better knot.

As the Minatakans chase down another of the Picard's servants, OG suddenly remembers that she's supposed to take some measurements of the sun with the sundial and heads back towards the Mintakan settlement, arriving just in time to see Riker With Beard tie up Old Coot Fento and free Palmer. She yells for Riker With Beard to stop but Riker With Beard flees with Palmer and tells the Enterprise to lock on to them but wait for his signal to teleport them up.

Nuria hears OG yelling and after OG tells her that Riker With Beard took Palmer and ran, Nuria sends some hunters out after Riker With Beard. Riker With Beard manages to escape from them and after hiding in a cave gets teleported back to the Enterprise with Palmer.

Back on the Enterprise Riker With Beard wants to know if Troi has beamed back up but Data tells him that she has not and is currently in the middle of a gaggle of Mintakans.

"Damn!" says Riker With Beard because he's a cool dude who says "Damn!"

Back on Mintaka III Old Coot Fento gets untied. Nuria sends a hunter named Hali to go find Riker and Palmer. Liko asks Troi why she and Riker With Beard took Palmer from them but Troi says that they didn't, which is pretty much a straight up lie since Riker totally took Palmer from them. She probably should have played the, "I had nothing to do with it," card but she's a dope I guess and just tells them that they set him free because they don't believe in the Overseer.

Liko tells her that she's angered the Picard and they might all suffer because of it. "I know," Liko says, "I've seen him. He is all powerful!" Liko's then like "Fento, weren't there stories about the Overseer destroying those who offended him?"

"Stories, nothing more," says Fento who is getting sick and tired of being the guy who confirms "facts" Liko is making up about the Overseer.

Nuria tells Liko that they'll find Palmer since Riker With Beard couldn't have gotten very far carrying him on foot. Liko thinks that the Picard might still blame them for letting Palmer escape and thinks that they should punish Troi to show the Picard that she and Riker With Beard acted alone. Nuria, however, isn't willing to harm Troi unnecessarily and tells him to wait and see if Hali can find Riker With Beard and Palmer before they do anything rash.

OG asks what will happen if they can't find Palmer. Nuria tells her that if that comes to pass they may have to do what Liko wants.

The crew of the Enterprise has heard this entire exchange via Troi's communicator and heads to the conference room for a staff meeting. Picard asks Anthropologist Barron if he thinks the Mintakans will harm Troi. Barron tells him that they aren't usually a violent people but they are trying to make sense out of someone they believe to be a god.

Picard asks him what he'd recommend. Barron tells him that the Mintakans want to please the Overseer but can only guess at what he actually wants. They need a sign so Barron thinks Picard should go down to Mintaka III and pose as the Overseer.

Picard fumes about this suggestion and starts to go off about the Prime Directive but Barron reminds him that they've already violated it and now all they can do is minimize the damage done by giving them guidelines and "letting them know what the Overseer expects of them."

Picard refuses to "impose a set of commandments" on the Mintakans but Barron tells him, "Like it or not, we have rekindled the Mintakans' belief in the Overseer."

Riker With Beard asks him if this belief will eventually become a religion. Barron says that it's inevitable and that without guidance it could cause their society to "degenerate into inquisitions, holy wars and chaos."

Picard says that he'll find some other way to undo the damage they've caused without sabotaging the Mintakan's achievement of abandoning the belief in the supernatural and sending them back into the Dark Ages. He has Riker With Beard tell him about the leader of the Mintakans. Riker With Beard tells him that their leader is Nuria. She is sensible and the other Mintakans seem to trust her judgement. Riker With Beard believes that if she can be convinced that Picard is not a deity she may be able to convince the other Mintakans of the same thing.

Barron asks how they propose to convince Nuria. Picard explains that since she thinks Picard is a magical figure he's "going to show her how the magic works," by bringing her aboard the Enterprise.

Later Data calls down to Troi and asks here in Nuria is one of the Mintakans near here and Troi mumbles "Mhmm" and "Uhun" under her breath in response to a series of questions that help Data pinpoint which Mintakan is Nuria so that once she's alone they can beam her up to the Enterprise.

Picard heads down to the teleportation chamber and dismisses the teleportation operator and then beams Nuria aboard once the operator has left the room. Picard tells Nuria not to be afraid and then introduces himself as Jean Luc Picard. Nuria immediately prostrates herself before him so Picard tells her to get up and that he doesn't deserve to be bowed to.

Picard has her look at him and feel his hand and his pulse. He then tells her that he is flesh and blood like her. Nuria says that he is not like her so Picard clarifies that they may look different but both of them are living beings who are born, grow and die.

"In all the ways that matter, we are alike," he tells her.

She still isn't buying it though so Picard tells her that he wants to show her something. The doors open and Nuria gets scared and says that even the walls obey his commands. Picard tells her that their doors are merely different from the ones she knows.

Picard takes her to the conference room and shows her Mintaka III. She says that she never imagined she'd see clouds from the other side. Picard starts talking to her about huts and asks her if her people always lived in huts. She says that they have found remnants of tools in caves so logic would dictate that their ancestors once lived in caves but now live in huts because caves are damp and dark while huts are not and therefore are better.

Picard asks her if huts are better why did her ancestors live in caves and Nuria surmises that because at some point they did not know how to build huts. Picard then asks if the same is true of cloth and bows. She says that would be a reason assumption so Picard goes off on a jag about how someone had to invent all those things and then it was passed down to the inventors' children who improved on them down through the ages.

He then asks Nuria to think what one of her ancestors would think if she were to see Nuria and how the Minatakan people live now. "Put yourself in her place," he says, "You see, she cannot kill a hornbuck at a great distance. You can. You have a power she lacks."

"Only because I have a bow," Nuria replies.

"She's never seen a bow. It doesn't exist in her world. To you it's a simple tool. To her it's magic," Picard says.

Nuria tells him that he has a point and that her ancestor might fear her when seeing her power. Picard nods and is like, "Just as you fear me," but Nuria replies that she does not fear him any longer. Picard is pleased and tells her that his people once lived in caves too and then built huts and now can build ships like the Enterprise. Nuria says that perhaps one day the Minatakan people will travel above the skies and Picard tells her that he has no doubt of that.

Down on Mintaka III, lightning crashes and a new mother cries. Her placenta falls to the floor. The angel opens her eyes. The confusion sets in before the doctor can even close the door. Oh wait, that's Live's "Lightning Crashes" not what was happening in this episode of Star Trek.

Lightning was crashing and Liko was going on about how it must be a warning on account of it not being the season for lightning. Fento, who is absolutely sick of Liko's shit at this point, is like, "Dude we've had storms like this before." OG tells him that they've NEVER had a storm like this before and her dad goes on to ascribe meaning to it.

"The Picard is angry with us. He blames us for letting Palmer escape!" Liko says.

Fento, again is like, "Dude you have no way of possibly knowing that," but Liko keeps ranting and raving, wondering if the Picard will also send floods. "My wife died in last year's floods. Will we all die now? We must find Nuria!" Liko shouts.

Back on the Enterprise Nuria tells Picard that she is grateful for all that Picard has shown her and then asks if there is something he can do for her people. Picard says that she truly is a leader. Nuria tells him that last year there was flooding and six of her people died including four children. She wants Picard to bring them back to life.

Picard tells her, "That is not in my power."

Nuria doesn't understand why not and says that he brought Liko back to life. She asks him if the six that died offended him in some way and then if perhaps she herself did. "Should I have ordered the death of Troi?" she asks him and then pleads with him to change his mind.

"I've failed to get through to you, haven't I? Despite all my efforts," he says sullenly.

Back on Mintakan III OG tells her dad that no one knows where Nuria is. The hunter Hali informs him that there's no sign of Palmer or Riker With Beard either. Liko says that if that's the case they must do what the Picard wishes and punish those responsible. Fento's like, "Nuria wouldn't want that young blood..." Liko gives zero fucks though and has Hali give him his bow.

Meanwhile back on the Enterprise Dr. Beverly Crusher calls Picard to inform him that one of the anthropologists is going to die of their injuries. Picard heads to Sickbay with Nuria and they watch as the lady anthropologist dies and one of the other dude anthropologists wails in anguish. Dr. Beverly Crusher and the anthropologist guy leave and Picard and Nuria approach the bed.

Nuria asks Picard if he could have saved her. Picard tells her that he could not have and Nuria finally realizes that Picard and his people do have limits stating, "You are not masters of life and death."
Picard tells her that they are not. He explains that there are many diseases that they can cure and injuries they can heal but even with all their knowledge and advances they are just as mortal as the Mintakans are. "We're just as powerless to prevent the inevitable," Picard says.

"You are a remarkable people," Nuria says, "but you are not superior beings, My people must be made to understand that."

Back on the planet Liko is lookin' to kill Troi in order to appease The Picard. Troi asks him how Liko knows what The Picard actually wants and then opines that this is "the problem with believing in a supernatural being. Trying to determine what he wants." Troi's words plant seeds of doubt in OG's mind and she asks her father what will happen if they do the wrong thing.

Liko pleads to The Picard for guidance and at that moment Picard and Nuria return. Picard tells Liko that he's just a man, not the Overseer just a traveller from a far off land. Liko is insistent that Picard brought him back from the dead and pledges his fealty to The Picard.

Nuria tells Liko that Picard speaks the truth. She tells Liko that she visited Picard's people and saw how they live and die and learned that when death takes one of their loved ones they are as helpless as the Mintakan people are. Liko wants to know how he was brought back to life then.

Nuria tells him that he wasn't actually dead. She explains that Picard's people have knowledge of things that they don't and are able to heal wounds that the Mintakan are unable to. Liko, however, is insistent that Picard can raise the dead and pleads with Picard to bring his wife back from the great beyond. Picard tells him that he cannot. Liko wants to know why and asks Picard if he is angry with him. Picard says he is not. Liko begs for him to bring her back and offers to give his life in exchange for his dead wife's but Picard again tells him that it is beyond his power.

"Nothing is beyond your power! You are the Overseer! I will prove it!" Liko yells and then grabs a bow.

Liko aims the air at Picard and Nuria yells at him and tries to stand in front of Picard to prevent him from getting shot but Picard pushes her aside and tells Liko that if his death is the only proof Liko will believe of Picard's mortality he should go ahead and shoot. Liko does but his daughter, OG, pushes him so his shot goes wide and nails Picard in the shoulder.

Nuria goes down to check on Picard and then holds up a hand to show Liko the blood from Picard's wound, proving once and for all that Picard is no god. Liko then bursts into tears.

Picard's injury and subsequent recovery gets yaya-yadaed over with a Captain's Log and then, before the episode concludes, Picard (with his arm in a sling) visits the planet's surface one last time. While Geordi disassembles the science hole Picard explains to the Mintakans that they had merely been there to study them. The Mintakans ask what a people so advanced as them could possibly learn from them. Picard explains that humans once lived in the same way as the Mintakans and to study them is to study themselves.

One of the Mintakans asks why they were hiding then but Liko finally gets it and says, "Because their presence would affect us, just as it affected me." Picard goes on to explain that their highest law (the Prime Directive) prohibits them from interfering with other cultures.

OG then realizes that everything that happened in this episode stemmed from the Starfleet people accidentally revealing themselves to the Mintakan people. Picard tells her she's right and that's why they must leave now. OG asks why they must leave since there is so much they could learn from Picard and his people.

Picard tells her that teaching them would also be interference and says that they must progress in their own way. Nuria says that they will because Picard has taught them that there is nothing beyond their reach.

"Not even the stars," replies Picard.

Nuria then has a small child give Picard a scroll or wall hanging or something. She wishes Picard good journeys and asks for him to remember her people.

"Always," replies Picard and that's the episode.

How Rikered Was Riker With Beard?
My mang Riker decided that the best course of action to try and find someone who fell out of the science hole was to do Vulcanface with his girlfriend and immediately go and talk to the locals that they were supposed to be avoiding contact with. Dude was right properly fucked up.

Final Thoughts
While this was overall a decent episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation there were a few things about it that I kind of disliked. The first couple were specific to this particular episode while the third is a bigger issue that I feel will probably continue as the series progresses.

Issue the first: if Starfleet possessed the technology to just make someone look like whatever native species they wanted to study why didn't they just do that instead of hide in a science hole with some weird holographic rock in front of it? Wouldn't that have decreased the risk of getting found out?

Issue the second: Back in season 2 when Doctor Grandma memory wiped that weird orange girl with super long fingers that Data brought onto the Enterprise it was presented as a pretty commonplace procedure but here it's this wonky thing that doesn't work right all the time and something that Dr. Beverly Crusher has to be like, "I'm familiar with the procedure," in the way someone would when another person brought up something not particularly well known. I will say that if they're going to retcon it like they did here, making it something that Doctor Grandma made up on her own is a good way to go about it I suppose.

With those minor nitpicks aside let's talk about the Prime Directive. Up to this point in the show the Prime Directive has never been presented as something that limits Starfleet's interactions in a way that benefits a local species but rather as a convenient excuse for the crew of the Enterprise to not act and be dicks. Back in season one there was the episode where the Prime Directive made it so Picard couldn't intervene and help a species of electric space hillbillies who were addicted to spacemeth that electric space bourgeoisie were selling to them in order to get them to work for them and give them all their natural resources and shit. In that aforementioned episode where Doctor Grandma erases an orange girl's memories the entire thrust of the plot of the episode was that her planet was going to explode and Picard was like, "The Prime Directive says we can't do shit to help."

This adventure saw Picard straight up tell Dr. Beverly Crusher that she should have let a dude die instead of providing him medical assistance after an accident that Starfleet was responsible for because of the Prime Directive. I understand that the theory behind the Prime Directive is altruistic ("We're not going to do empire building and/or enslave species that we are technologically superior to,") but more often than not they use it as an excuse to act like shitty libertarians. "If these species didn't want to die because their planet was exploding they should have developed their own technology faster. Also those space methheads are willing to be taken advantage of by the space meth dealers. If they didn't want to be addicted to spacemeth they should just stop buying it or something. It's not up to us to help anyone...except when it's convenient for us to forward the plot." It kind of bums me out.

Fuck Count
Also bumming me out? The fact that zero people went on an all expenses paid trip to Pound Town deep in the heart of the Bone Zone.

Total Fucks for Episode: 0
Total Fucks for Season: 0
Total Fucks for Series: 16 (+1~3)

Interesting then that I really associate TNG (and to some extent DS9) with the "Crooked Admiral of the Week" trope, although that may just be my personal nostalgia bias to TNG talking.  I suppose you're right in the sense that you need Picard, as a character, to be someone who really believes that the system should work for there to be tension in the set-up of him constantly being disappointed by his superiors and institutions.  TNG as a show, however, intentionally or unintentionally keeps making the case that Picard (and really all of our buddies on the Enterprise) may be the exception, not the rule when it comes to the upper echelon of Starfleet; that their principles give them a kind of moral obligation to go against authority when it's clear that institutions aren't actually living up to their ideals.  That seems fairly counter to your 80's influence observation?

Shall we muddy the waters by introducing Star Trek: Insurrection to the discussion?

Fuck no.