Star Trek: TNG - An In-Depth Analysis of Who Boned the Most

I also saw that twittle and at first laughed and thought it was funny but then was like, “Why wouldn’t tall chess still be popular? I mean we’ve got PlayStations and VR and internet porn now but people will still play Ticket to Ride or checkers or whatever.”

Data "I'm sorry, Lt., but that should be ARE 'Sorry'." 
Worf *turns over table game is on in anger* 

I hope you wind up doing the last six episodes of Season 2, Nudeviking.  

Fortunately for you, they saved the very worst one for last. 

Well, I think even with space travel and instantaneous communication, its still difficult to keep up with trends happening over a huge area of space. Most of the "1st world" nations have very free access to each other's entertainment thanks to the internet but we all tend to be too busy sifting through our own country's stuff to move on to another country's stuff. Plus, our time is limited. The exception is people who consume foreign stuff as a hobby such as your standard otaku and French cinephiles. I imagine the Federation is similar. 

Overall though, I think your about things probably being similar to a fanfiction media-like landscape is probably dead on. If not that, then maybe something like youtube or spotify where there is just a gigantic selection of professional and amateur work from everywhere that is too big to really browse so you focus on  either what is popular or the stuff that really appeals to yourself.

One thing I notice is that sharing entertainment comes up a lot across the shows. Similar to now, people seem to  find their own little gems in giant media mountain we all have access to and want to share them with anyone who will listen. Watching the show in the 90's, that was always a little bit odd to me. The show acted like that was normal when for people to go "Let me share this album/book/program!" when,  in 1999, we all kind of knew what was popular and the options were limited so that kind of small talk felt rare (although, maybe restaurants recommendations would be kind of close?).  But watching the show now, it feels like a really natural conversation that someone would have when the conversation lulls. So, Star Trek pretty accurately predicted the future here, yet again. 

Star Trek: The Next Generation - S02E16 - Q Who?

I had kind of decided after the last entry into the Star Trek Fuck Report to go on a hiatus but then a global pandemic popped off and I realized that if I were to stop researching into the oh so critical field of Star Trek Fuckology the terrorists would win and so I carry on despite a string of awful, awful episodes both in terms of being a television program that is enjoyable to watch and as data points in order to determine which character fucked the most. Today we're looking at the season 2 episode "Q Who?"

Preexisting Prejudices
Here's another episode I remember the main thrust of pretty well and unless there's some B or C plot I'm totally blanking on, there's absolutely no boning in this episode. That being said, it's a pretty good episode and marks the debut of the Borg so get ready to be assimilated or whatever. Let's do it!

Plot Synopsis
We start things off in Engineering where some 80s babe is ordering hot chocolate from a food machine. Geordi calls this rookie (named Sonya Gomez) out for saying please to a machine but she then says that not saying please and thank you to a machine listed as "intelligent circuitry" can being dehumanising.

She and Geordi walk and talk, with Geordi advising her to chill the fuck out and then noticing that they're in engineering proper and she's got a hot chocolate reminds her that having such things in engineering is against the rules. Gomez tells him that she'll finish it out in the hall and that it won't happen again, but ends up walking straight into Picard and spilling her hot chocolate all over him.
It must not have been particularly hot since it didn't seem to phase him in the slightest. She's all apologetic and Geordi's like, "Oh fuck! My bad Captain..." but Picard's like, "Eh whatever...I'm going to go change my clothes. Welcome to the ship Ensign Gomez." He leaves and Gomez is all like, "Fuuuuuuuck...I done goofed!"

Picard gets in a TURBOLIFT!!! and tells it to bring him to his fuck lair so he can change, but it does not. Instead it brings him to a random-ass shuttlecraft. That asshole, Q, is on the shuttle with him. Q, uses some wizard powers to clean Picard's uniform for him and then Picard's like, "Yo mang, WTF?! We agreed you would never trouble my ship again!"

Q tells Picard that he always keeps his promises pointing out that they are nowhere near his ship. I'm now kind of curious as to what the exact wording of their agreement was at the end of the last Q episode was to see if this loophole actually works or if they’re just going for it because it would have been highly unlike that anyone would be able to remember the exact wording of an episode from a year earlier. Luckily now, we have the internet, so here's the exact agreement the two made in the moronically titled, "Hide & Q."

PICARD: So you're taking on Riker this time. Excellent. He'll defeat you just as I did.
Q: Shall we wager on that, Captain? Your starship command against?
PICARD: Against your keeping out of humanity's path forever. Done?
Q: Done! You've already lost, Picard. Riker will be offered something impossible to refuse.

For those of you who forgot, Riker did, in fact, defeat Q just as Picard had, so there ya go, nothing about the Enterprise, just a straight up keep "out of humanity's path forever." Bad job writers...bad job.

After that good, good opening theme song we see Geordi and Ensign Gomez heading to Ten Forward for some booze and some advice. She doesn't want to miss any of the crazy new bullshit that the Enterprise discovers in these uncharted territories. Geordi tells her that he'll make sure she doesn't miss a thing.

Meanwhile Whoopi Goldberg is being weird as fuck. She calls the bridge and asks Riker With Beard if everything is cool on the bridge. Riker With Beard says that it's weird that she's calling but tells her that everything is cool. He asks her what's up but Whoopi brushes it off, telling him, "I'm not sure. It's just a feeling. I've had it a couple of times before. It's probably nothing. Forget that I called. Ten Forward out."

Back on the stolen shuttle, Q tells Picard that his crew will never find him. Picard yells at Q and tells him to bring him back to the Enterprise. Q tells him to change his attitude because they have business but Picard tells him that keeping him prisoner will not compel him to talk about shit with Q.
"It will in time," replies a smarmy Q.

Back in Ten Forward, Whoopi Goldberg continues to act weird as fuck. Geordi asks her if she's okay. She tells him that he doesn't know and Geordi is like, "Okay...I think I'll go check out Engineering." Gomez tells him that she'll go with him and they both leave Whoopi Goldberg alone to stare out the window at space.

Meanwhile on the bridge, Troi shows up and is like, "Yo where's Picard at?" Someone tells her he's in his fuck lair so she tries to call him but gets no response. Riker With Beard then asks Computer where the captain is, but he's not on the ship. Worf then informs him that there's a shuttle missing from the shuttlebay. Shit is going buck wild so Riker With Beard orders Wesley to stop the ship.

They attempt to hail the shuttle but get no response and cannot detect it anywhere in the area. Riker With Beard has Data calculate the most time efficient search pattern and after he does, the Enterprise sets off to look for their missing captain.

Riker With Beard drops a First Offiicer's Log, mostly to inform us that six hours have passed and they've yet to locate the shuttle. Moreover they aren't even completely sure that he is aboard it.

Meanwhile on the shuttlecraft, Q is boucning a tennis ball against the wall. He asks Picard how long he plans to stay out there reminding Picard that while he himself is ageless, Picard is not. Picard just tells him that the Enterprise will carry on with Riker With Beard as captain.

Q tells him that he is "impossibly stubborn," which leads to Picard blowing up at him and demanding to be returned to the Enterprise. Q asks him if he will give his request a full hearing if he agrees to return Picard to his ship. I guess Picard agrees because in the next scene they appear in Ten Forward with Q telling Picard that, "This is the proper venue for our discussion." Whoopi Goldberg pops up from behind the bar.

Meanwhile on the bridge, Worf informs Riker With Beard that the missing shuttle has returned. Riker With Beard asks Computer where Picard is and Computer replies that he's in Ten Forward. Riker With Beard and Worf roll out as we head into commercials.

Back from commercial, Whoopi Goldberg confronts Q. Picard's like, "Whoopi, you know this cat?" She tells him that they've had dealings with one another in the past and from her tone it's clear that these dealings were not amicable. Q tells Picard that if he was smart he'd kick Whoopi Goldberg off his ship since she's not what she appears to be and wherever she goes, trouble follows.

Picard gets in a sick burn telling him, "You're speaking of yourself, Q." He then reminds Q that of his agreement to stop fucking with the Enterprise. Q says that he has and a reason to be on the ship.

Riker With Beard enters along with Worf and demands to know what Q's purpose is. Q explains that he wants to join the crew of the Enterprise and implies that he has been kicked out of the Q Qontinuum. Whoopi Goldberg tells everyone that some Q "are almost respectable."
Picard asks him if he would be willing to start off as an ordinary crew member. "What task is too menial for an entity?" he asks.

Q wants to know if Picard is mocking to him. Picard tells him that he is not since shit like Q is the entire raison d'etre for the Enterprise since he's one of the most unique life forms he's ever encountered but to get close to him is to get close to chaos. Q ask Picard to allow him to at least present his argument and so Picard sends Worf away for some reason.

Q tells Picard that after getting the boot from the Q Qontinuum he's been wandering around, bored as fuck without purpose and then remembered all the good times he had with the crew of the Enterprise. Riker With Beard gives brief recaps of Encounter at Farpoint and Hide & Q in rebuttal to the notion that anyone involved had a good time including those of us watching at home or conducting research in the exciting field of Star Trek Fuckology.

Q tells Picard that if he were to accept Q onto the crew of the Enterprise he wouldn't expect or require any special treatment and would be willing to renounce his powers so that he was as "weak and incompetent" as the rest of the Enterprise crew. Picard flat out tells him, "No."

He the goes on to tell Q that they don't trust him. Q says that they might not trust him but they are going to need him since they are ill prepared for what awaits them. Picard asks him how they can be prepared for that which they do not know before saying that he knows they are ready to encounter it whatever it is.

Q mocks Picard's arrogance and Whoopi Goldberg tells him that the humans will learn and adapt to whatever they encounter, saying that it "is their greatest advantage." Q suggests seeing how well they can adapt and then hurls the Enterprise thousands of light years away from where it had been so that they can see how ready they truly are.

Picard calls the bridge and asks where the nearest space base is. Data tells him that at maximum warp it will take them two years to reach the nearest space base. Picard asks Q why he brought them out there to which Q replies that he did so in order to give them "a preview of things to come." He then disappears.

Riker With Beard asks Whoopi Goldberg, whose people have been in this part of the galaxy before, what she can tell him about it but she just recommends setting a course for the nearest space base and start hauling ass immediately.

Picard then drops a Captain's Log explaining that he did not do this and instead is going to explore the system they find themselves in before heading back because he's super smart...

The Enterprise scans a random M Class planet and finds roads and other evidence of an industrialized civilization once being there but Data explains that where cities should have been there was nothing beyond "great rips in the surface." He goes on to say that this is very similar to what happened to the outposts along the Neutral Zone back in the Season 1 episode titled, "The Neutral Zone."

Worf then informs Picard that they are being probed. Riker With Beard asks him what the source of the probe is and Worf tells him. "A ship. It is on an intercept course." Picard has Worf put it on the big TV and we get our first look at a Borg Space Block as it hauls ass towards the Enterprise.

Riker With Beard orders a scan and Data tells him that the ship is generic as fuck with no specific bridge, command center, engineering section or living quarters and more importantly no indication of life. Worf adds that the ship does not have shields or weapons "of any known design."

Picard tries to hail the ship but gets no reply so he phones Whoopi Goldberg and asks her to turn on her "viewscreen" and "monitor what's going on up here," even though she's able to see the Borg Space Block just by looking out her window. She tells Picard that they are called the Borg and her people encountered them 100 years ago when they destroyed all her people's cities and scattered them throughout the galaxy. She warns Picard to protect himself "or they'll destroy you."

It's an ominous warning and one that would have been a great lead-in to a commercial break since it would leave us wondering what a Borg is and prevent us from changing the channel, but that's not how Star Trek: The Next Generation rolls. Instead we head to Engineering where a Borg just beams onto the Enterprise in spite of the fact that the shields are up. Geordi calls for security and tells them, "We have an intruder." It's a far less effective line to head to break on but there you go.

Back from break the Borg is tinkering with computers and shit in Engineering. Picard and Worf show up with some random security guys. Geordi tells Picard that after making a visual survey of the engine core it moved into the room it's currently in.

Q shows back up and talks about how interesting the Borg is since its genderless and not like anything Picard's ever seen before calling it "an enhanced humanoid," which Picard certainly has seen before in that shitty episode from Season 1 with a title that was a bunch of 1s and 0s. The aliens that stole then Enterprise in that bad Episode were conceptually almost identical to the Borg, just not Chaotic Evil or whatever alignment the Borg are.

Picard ignores Q and asks the random Borg what it wants and whether it understands him. Q interjects saying that to the Borg, Picard is nothing, and then in spite saying that it was neither male or female 10 seconds earlier then repeatedly uses a masculine pronoun to refer to the Borg on the Enterprise saying, "He's not interested in your life form. He's just a scout, the first of many. He's here to analyse your technology. He may attempt to gain control of the ship. I wouldn't let him." Q then fucks off.

The Borg's sci-fi robot arm then starts shooting green beams at the Enterprise's computers. Picard's all like, "Hey! Knock that off!" and then has Worf send a security goon to stop the Borg. The Borg just tosses the security guy across the room so Worf's up with a phaser. He puts the Borg on blast but it has no effect. The Borg randomly starts fucking with the Enterprises light and Picard cannot abide by that and orders that Worf "use whatever means to neutralize the intruder."

Worf cranks up his phaser to full blast and lasers the fuck out of the Borg, killing the shit out of it. Unfortunately another Borg immediately shows up and continues the work that the first one had been engaged in. Worf attempts to murder this one too, but now it has some kind of force field that blocks his laser blasts. When it's finished it turns to its fallen comrade and removes some modular technology and then it and the dead Borg beam away. The dead Borg leaves an oily stain on the floor of the Enterprise.

Later Picard has a staff meeting in the conference room. Whoopi Goldberg gets to attend on account of her people having previous interactions with the Borg. She immediately tells them all that she wasn't personally there when the Borg attacked but heard the Borg just swarmed and wrecked shop on everything. Picard asks her why they didn't attack then and she tells him that this was just a scouting mission and that the Borg do not do anything piecemeal. Picard wants to know how to reason with them but Whoopi Goldberg tells him, "You don't. At least I've never known anyone who did."

Worf then calls and informs Picard that they are being hailed. It's the Borg. They tell Picard that they analyzed the Enterprises defensive capabilities as sucking all kinds of ass and that if they try to defend themselves they will be punished. After they hang up Troi tells Picard that they share a collective mind and lack a distinct leader. Q then shows up on the space television phone and asks Picard if he's sure he doesn't want Q to join his crew.

Worf calls back and tells Picard that the Borg have locked onto them with a tractor beam. Everyone goes out to the bridge where Worf tells them that the tractor beam is draining their shields. Picard tells Wesley Crusher to haul ass at warp eight in any goddamn direction. He tries and fails through no fault of his own.

Picard tells Worf to determine the source of the tractor beam and put it on blast. It has no effect. The Borg Space Block cuts a chunk out of the Enterprise with a laser and pulls it away. "USE A MISSILE!" Picard bellows. Worf uses a missile and the tractor beam shuts down.

Several sectors of the saucer portion of the Enterprise are destroyed and 18 crew members are reported as missing. The Borg Space Block has sustained damage to 20% of its vessel and life support is minimal. Picard calls for another conference.

Down in Engineering, Gomez and Geordi work to repair the busted shields. Gomez is bummed out that 18 crew members died in an instant and is having a hard time focusing on the task at hand because of it. Geordi yells at her for having human emotions and responding to a traumatic experience in a pretty normal way. She tells him that he's right because look at the people responsible for creating this show. This is the last we see of Sonya Gomez making her character arc one of the most pointless in all of Star Trek history,

Back in the conference room, Picard asks Whoopi Goldberg for more information on the Borg. She says that they are a hybrid of organic and artificial life and that they have been developing for thousands of centuries. Q then pops back up and tells everyone that the Borg are "the ultimate user," and are unlike any threat the Federation has ever faced. They do care about politics or conquest and that they only view the Enterprise and its technology as something they can consume.

Picard begs for Q to reveal that all of this: the Borg, the dead crewmen, the hole in the Enterprise, is just one of Q's trickster god illusions, but Q is insistent that it is all entirely real. Q then fucks off again.

Riker With Beard then suggests beaming on to the Borg Space Block to see what they can learn about them. Picard is cool with this but Whoopi Goldberg's like, "WHAT? Why are you idiots not fleeing?!" Riker With Beard gets the ACTION TEAM together and prepares to beam onto the Borg Space Block.

Back from break Picard reiterates via Captain's Log that even though they disabled the Borg ship they have decided to investigate them some more rather than flee from them even though both Q and Whoopi Goldberg have played up how bad news the Borg are. Riker With Beard is on the Borg Space Block which is where we next check in.

Riker With Beard phones Picard and tells him that they were wrong about life on the Borg Space Block after Worf missiled the fuck out of it since there are Borg lurkin' all over the place, thought no of them seem to notice the ACTION TEAM standing on their ship. Data theorizes that the Borg are interconnected though some slots in the wall and are working collectively.

Back on the Enterprise, Picard tells O'Brien to get read to beam the ACTION TEAM back if anything goes sideways. Colm Meaney gets a paycheck.

Back on the Borg Space Block, the ACTION TEAM find a nursery. There is really annoying crying baby sound effects. Riker With Beard opens a drawer and finds a humanoid baby with weird lights and circuit boards stuck on it. Riker With Beard opines that, "From the look of it the Borg are born as biological life form. It seems that almost immediately after birth they begin artificial implants. Apparently the Borg have developed the technology to link artificial intelligence directly into the humanoid brain." How he was able to surmise all this merely from looking a baby in a drawer I cannot tell.

Data then realizes that the Borg are using their collective brain power to repair the ship and opines that this is the reason why none of the Borg have noticed them. They get beamed back to the bridge and Picard is finally like, "Let's get the hell out of here!"

They haul ass at warp 8 but the Borg Space Block gives chase. Th try to slow the Borg Space Block down with missiles but it doesn't do much good. Q shows up on the bridge and tells Picard that the Borg will not stop until they get what they are after and tells Picard, "You should have stayed where you belonged!"

Back from commercial break, the Borg Space Block continues to gain on the Enterprise which is now going at MAXIMUM WARP SPEED! Their missiles do nothing but the Borg ship's missiles hit and drain the Enterprise's shield.

Q again emphasizes the hopelessness of the situation telling Picard, "You can't outrun them, you can't destroy them. If you damage them, the essence of what they are remains; they regenerate and keep coming. Eventually you will weaken, your reserves will be gone. They are relentless."

More missiles from the Borg Space Block hit the Enterprise, draining their shields and fuckin' up the warp drive. Riker With Beard wants Worf to fire more missiles, but Data warns that without shields a missile exploding at this range could easily blow them up too. Picard gives Riker With Beard a nod and Worf prepares to fire more missiles.

Q, not wanting to get blown up is like, "I'll be leaving now." Picard yells for him to "End this!" but Q is like, "What makes you think I am either inclined or capable to terminate this encounter?" Picard appeals to Q's vanity by saying that if they were to explode there Q would never be able to gloat about how poorly prepared they were for what laid ahead.

"You wanted me to say I need you? I NEED YOU!" Picard tells the all powerful, all annoying being.

With a snap of his fingers, Q then sends the Enterprise careening backwards through space. Wesley tells the bridge that they are back at where they started. Q tells Picard that admitting that he needed was a difficult admission, "Another man would have been humiliated to say those words. Another man would have rather died than ask for help."

Picard tells him that he understands why Q did what he did but thinks he could have learned the lesson without the death of 18 randos from the crew. Q tells him that if he's not prepared to deal with deaths he should go back home and hide because "it's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door." Q then fucks off for the final time in this episode and Picard tells Wesley to plot a course for the nearest space base.

Later in Ten Forward Picard and Whoopi Goldberg a rapping about what transpired. Whoopi Goldberg tells him that Q brought them into contract with the Borg much sooner than should have happened. She says that maybe at some point they might be able to establish a relationship with the Borg but right now they are just raw materials to the Borg. She then says that Picard can bet that the Borg will be coming for them.

Picard that says that "Maybe Q did the right thing for the wrong reason," since he ended up giving them a kick in the ass which will lead to them preparing for what lies ahead. And that's the episode.

How Rikered Was Riker With Beard?
Riker seemed a lot more sober in this episode at least up until the point where he was like, "This ship that everyone who has had any dealing with has warned us to stay the fuck away from? Yeah, I want to go on it and take a look around." That decision? That was some drunk-ass bullshit.

Final Thoughts
So this was a good episode of a television show. The Borg are a tremendous enemy and in this first appearance are extremely unnerving. I remember watching this episode when it was a first run episode and being creeped out by them and even watching it today, years after the fact I still think they're creepy. As a piece of data for the august Star Trek Fuck Report, it unfortunately has little in that department.

Fuck Count
Nothing, but it was a decent enough episode of Star Trek that I cared less then I do when it's a bullshit episode that is lacking in any and all horniness.

Total Fucks for Episode: 0
Total Fucks for Season: 6 (+1~3)
Total Fucks for Series: 12 (+1~3)

She's the three-breasted lady from Total Recall!

The replicator was put in before The Incident.

It seemed to be out in the hallway, like an office that has a candy machine out in the lobby.

Oh man, can you imagine how insufferable the Vulcophile kid at every Federation Earth high school is?

Star Trek: The Next Generation - S02E17 - Samaritan Snare


To be most forthright, I'm really losing steam in this entire endeavor but in these troubled times I'm willing to press on and write words about whether or not Riker With Beard fucked a space babe in a 30 year old episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation for the 4 or 5 people who actually enjoy reading about such things. Today we're going to be looking at yet another terrible season 2 episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation, specifically episode #17, Samaritan Snare.

Preexisting Prejudices
I don't remember this episode based on title or the episode description Netflix provides. Seems like we're going to get some medical shit though.

Plot Synopsis
It's time once again for Wesley to take the space SATs or whatever and on the bridge, Riker With Beard gives him some sort of USB with "testing parameters" on it. Wesley is nervous about the test since he's not actually been to Starfleet Academy or some shit but Riker With Beard and Data remind him that he's already done the job he's attempting to get into school to learn how to do so he'll do fine on the test.

Meanwhile in Doctor Grandma's lair, Doctor Grandma is scolding Picard about letting some sort of medical condition go untreated for too long. She orders him to go to a spacebase to get it treated. Picard really wanted to see some sort of "Pulsar Cluster" that the ship was going to study so Doctor Grandma offers to perform the procedure herself on the ship. Picard flat out refuses.

The way they're not saying outright what Picard needs to be treated for and his adamant refusal to let Doctor Grandma carry out the procedure ("It would be inappropriate for you to carry out the procedure," he tells her at one point) makes me think it's something related to his dick or his prostate or something. She tells him that if he's worried about his ego he should just go to the random spacebase and get the "replacement" done there.

Now I've got no fucking clue what is going on. Does Picard canonically have a detachable penis like that King Missile song? I think he might...



Later on the bridge, Picard bumps into Wesley as Wesley leaves to go take his space SATs at a random spacebase. Picard tells him to wait since he has to go as well and they can split a shuttle. Wesley's all like, "I thought you really wanted to see that Pulsar Cluster or whatever."

Picard is clearly bummed out and Riker With Beard asks him if it's something he can take care of on the random spacebase in Picard's stead but Picard tells him that it is most certainly not. He gives Riker With Beard command of the bridge and leaves to prepare for his trip.

Picard is then shown gathering some books in his office. Riker With Beard comes in and tells him that he is being "rather enigmatic," about his sudden trip to a random spacebase. Picard tells him it's "Captain's privilege," and Riker With Beard tells him that his security clearance level is hella high but Picard tells him it has nothing to do with the ship but rather is a "matter of image."

Hey it's Sonya Gomez! She's a recurring character I guess! She and Geordi are in a hallway with Wesley who is worried about having to go on a road trip with Picard. He doesn't know what he's going to be able to talk to Picard about but Gomez lists off a bunch of stuff that Picard's into and tells Wesley that he could learn a lot from Picard.

Picard then comes out of a TURBOLIFT!!! and Geordi sarcastically says, "Nice day for a little trip."

Picard and Wesley then board a shuttlecraft and blast off to awkwardness while on the bridge Riker With Beard is still trying to puzzle out why Picard would leave so suddenly. Worf tells him that they're picking up a distress signal in the Rhombus Zone but has no other information on the ship sending out the distress signal. Riker With Beard tells him to head out to the Rhombus Zone. Data reminds him that going to the Rhombus Zone would put them "at considerable distance from Captain Picard." Riker With Beard knows. Riker With Beard doesn't care.

After that good, good opening theme song we check back in on the Enterprise as it enters the Rhombus Zone. They find the ship and Data's scans indicate that it is a "basic early design capable of sub-light travel only." Worf tells Riker With Beard that they are being hailed and Riker With Beard has him put the call on the space TV phone. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!


HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Oh fuck look at that dopey looking motherfucker! Jesus Tittyfucking Christ! The goofy looking motherfuckers also talk real goofy, "We are Pakleds...we are far from home. Our ship is broken." Riker With Beard questions them but is only able to determine that they are "far from home" and that their mission is to "Look for things. Things that make them go."

Geordi offers to go over and fix their guidance system which Data's scans determine to be fucked over. Riker With Beard informs the Pakleds of this but Worf is suspicious of them since they know so little of them. Riker With Beard utters a line of dialogue that probably wouldn't fly today wondering if anyone else things "they seem a little slow."

Data opines that, "They may merely have poorly developed language skills."

Since scans detect only minimal weapons and all information on the Pakleds they have describes them as benign Riker With Beard tells Worf to calm down.

Meanwhile in the worst road trip ever Picard complains to Wesley how this trip is a complete waste of time for him. Wesley asks him why he's even going and Picard apologizes for being a dick to Wesley and lets him know that he's just stressed out about having to have another "damned cardiac replacement." I guess it's not a dick thing after all. Picard needs a new goddamn heart.

Wesley is confused why Picard would need a replacement heart replacement asking, "Why would anyone use a faulty replacement?" Picard is sick of his shit and tells him to just fly the shuttle.

Meanwhile on the Pakled ship, the Pakleds are annoyingly dumb. Geordi is remarkably patient and kind to them. He calls them "Fellas," and ask them to show him where the guidance system is so he can fix it. The Pakleds thing Geordi is smart.

Back on the Enterprise, Troi runs onto the bridge and is like, "Why in the fuck is Geordi on that alien spaceship?!" Riker With Beard explains the situation to her and Troi is like, "Those aliens. What they feel is not helplessness...Lieutenant La Forge is in great danger!"

We then go to commercials and when we come back we get Troi kind of repeating the same line of dialogue that she uttered before they went to break. I understand why they'd do stuff like that on shows that were airing on channels with commercial breaks but when watching them in 2020 on a streaming service it's always kind of weird when it happens.

Riker With Beard asks her what she means and she says that it's not the help of the Enterprise they want. Riker With Beard is like, "Look at 'em! They're goofy as fuck! They can't force us to do shit!"

Troi tells Riker With Beard that they aren't as weak as they seem and Data reminds Riker With Beard that Troi is often aware of things beyond their perceptive abilities.

Back on the worst road trip ever, Wesley tries to make small talk with Picard by discussing how unlikely it is that he'll die during the heart replacement operation. Wesley asks him why he didn't just have Doctor Grandma do the operation. Picard tells him that he has personal reasons and wants to leave it that.

Meanwhile on the Pakled ship, Geordi gets to work on guidance system. The Pakleds continue to be dumbasses but Geordi is able to fix their ship. Unfortunately as soon as he repairs the guidance system the main power goes down and Geordi calls Riker With Beard to tell him that it's going to take a bit longer.

Back on the worst road trip ever, Wesley is like, "I guess you would have preferred Commander Riker With Beard as a travelling companion." Picard, surprisingly, doesn't reply, "Yup!" Instead he and Wesley have a conversation about how Picard doesn't like kids. Wesley tells him that it's unfortunate because he would have made a good father. The fuck you know about dads Wesley? You ain't got a dad!

Picard thanks him and Wesley asks him if he ever wished he had kids of his own. Picard replies, "Wishing for a thing does not...(wait for it)...MAKE IT SO!"

OH PICARD YOU MAGNIFICENT BASTARD!

Back on the Enterprise, Riker With Beard is getting increasingly frustrated with the Pakleds bullshit. He offers to tow the their ship to the nearest spacebase for more repairs but tells them he needs Geordi back on the Enterprise. They tell Riker With Beard that they need Geordi because he is smart and then steal Geordi's laser gun and puts him on blast.

Riker With Beard tries to beam Geordi back to the Enterprise but the Pakleds have thrown up a shield. Scans determine that the shield is far beyond their technological levels and that all the systems on the Pakled ship are operational. The Enterprise puts their shields up and readies their missiles. Shit is about to pop off!

Back on the worst road trip ever, Picard offers Wesley a sandwich and some coffee. Wesley takes the sandwich but turns the coffee down because he sucks. Wesley continues to ask way too personal questions of Picard asking him if he's ever been married. Picard tells him that he never had the time leading Wesley to ask him if he ever gets lonely.

Picard tells him that Starfleet officers sometimes have to make sacrifices and therefore must be "cautious of long-term commitments."

Wesley tells him that it's no problem for him because, "where women are concerned, I am in complete control," apparently forgetting the fact that he tried to hook up with a shape-shifting space Yeti like 4 episodes back and nearly brought about an intergalactic incident in doing so.

Picard comes back with a sick burn declaring, "Really? I always rather had to work at that."

They then talk about how Picard ended up with a replacement heart. Apparently when he was a young Starfleet Officer he went to the Star Trek equivalent of the Mos Eisley cantina and got in a barfight with some aliens who stabbed him in the back and through the heart with some kind of sword or some shit. Picard tells Wesley that the only reason he survived was because there was a nearby space hospital.

Wesley asks him what happened next. Picard tells him that nothing happened and that he was just a loud-mouthed idiot who learned a "very painful lesson that day." He says that he hopes Wesley never has to learn that lesson the same way. What lesson? Getting stabbed in the heart in a bar fight? C'mon Picard, Wesley is never going to get in a bar fight.

Back on the Pakled ship, Geordi wakes up with the Pakleds pointing a laser gun at him. They tell him to make more weapons for them. Geordi is surprised that they have a replicator. One of the Pakled dopes tells him, "It is not broken."

Over on the bridge Worf is ready to put the Pakleds on blast but Riker With Beard doesn't want to jeopardize Geordi's well-being. They try to figure out with the Pakleds want. Troi tells them, "They have what they want...for now."

Back on the worst road trip ever, Wesley tells Picard that they've almost arrived. Picard wants to know if Wesley read some book he gave him. Wesley tells him he read some of it. Picard is annoyed and Wesley tells him that he doesn't have a lot of free time. Picard tells him that philosophy is important and Wesley replies that, "William James won't be on my Starfleet exams."

Picard tells him, "The important things never will be." He then tells Picard to pay attention to art, history and philosophy since that gives meaning to all the space bullshit they do.

Back on the Enterprise Troi says that everything the Pakleds have done has been complete bullshit. Data confirms that intensified scans have determined their guidance systems were always completely fine as was their power generator and the problems were something that had been programmed into their computers. Troi tells Riker With Beard that everything they did was just to kidnap Geordi.

We then check in on the random spacebase which looks suspiciously like that Angel One planet from the terrible "what if sexism happened to dudes" episode from season 1. Wesley brings Picard to some kind of space hospital. Picard asks him why he brought him all the way to the hospital. Wesley tells him that Doctor Grandma asked him to make them sure he went into the building.

"That woman. She would," says Picard.

Wesley then says that he enjoyed their road trip together. Picard reluctantly tells him that he did as well.

Back on the Enterprise Riker With Beard demands the Pakleds return Geordi but they tell him, "Request denied." They also tell Riker With Beard that they will not lower their shields. They shoot Geordi with laser guns and Riker With Beard asks them what they want.

The Pakleds tell him, "You think we are not smart. We are smart."

Riker With Beard tells them that if they are so smart they should return Geordi which is a pretty poor argument. The Pakleds then tell Riker With Beard that they want all computer information from their ship and like much like Veruca Salt, they want it now!

In the conference room the crew talk about their dilemma. Giving a hostile alien species computer data would be a breech of Starfleet security so the only other option is force.

We return from break to find Picard lying on an operating table surrounded by a bunch of sci-fi medics in red scrubs. They tell him not to worry about anything since they have done this procedure a billion times before. They put him under and discuss with each other how they'll be home in time for dinner. FORESHADOWING!

Back on the Enterprise the crew discuss how to get Geordi back. Riker With Beard wants to use the Pakleds' greed and impatience against them. Troi asks him if he's "suggesting a ruse of some sort." Riker With Beard is like, "You know it!"

Back in surgery, sci-fi medical terms happen.

Back on the Pakled ship the Pakleds tell Geordi that they want to be smart, nay they are smart. They need the Enterprise's "computer things." Geordi asks them to open the hailing frequency and let him speak to Riker With Beard because they'll listen to him.

They phone up Riker With Beard and the crew of the Enterprise trick the Pakleds into thinking that Geordi is a weapons expert. They also do some "wink wink nudge nudge" type shit while talking to Geordi to let him know what he needs to do as part of this wacky plan. I don't know what they're fucking talking about and it doesn't really make any more sense after I saw the plan in action.

After they hang up the space phone the Pakleds tell Geordi that he is smart but Geordi's like, "Not smart enough...I'm still here." They want him to make him strong and threaten him with death if he doesn't make weapons for them.

Meanwhile in the space hospital, something is going wrong with Picard's operation. "This man is dying!" bellows a random surgeon. Picard needs a "bio-molecular physiologist," posthaste!
We then check back in on the Pakled ship where Geordi is pretending to be a weapons expert while shit-talking their weapons systems. They tell him not to try to trick them since, "we can tell." They could not.

Back in space hospital, a specialist has arrived but Picard's still fucked. Luckily he knows someone who could get it done.

Over on the Enterprise, the crew hope that Geordi can get shit done on the Pakled ship. Riker With Beard believes in Geordi though. Worf then phones Riker With Beard and informs him that they got a call from the random spacebase, "Captain Picard is close to death."

Back on the Pakled ship the Pakleds are super stoked over how strong they are now. Geordi tells them that they are now armed to the teeth.

"Teeth are for chewing," replies one of the Pakleds.

Over on the Enterprise, Data detects that the Pakleds' weapons have come online. Worf tells Riker With Beard that the random spacebase has requested them to head there at warp nine and Doctor Grandma is like, "WE GOTS TO GO!" Riker With Beard won't leave Geordi behind though. He phones the Pakleds and tells them to give Geordi back or face the consequences. They tell Riker With Beard that they have the power now. Riker With Beard tells them to use it if they are going to and then is like, "Fuck it! Here's some real power!"

They then start a countdown while over on the Pakled ship, Geordi's like, "OH FUCK THEY'RE GONNA ATTACK! Let me make one last weapons check so it doesn't fuck up!" He then turns off all their weapons while the Enterprise shoots some random red clouds out of the front of them. Geordi tells the Pakled that it was a "crimson force field" and it totally disarmed them.

They then declare that they are not strong. Riker With Beard orders them to lower their shields. They do and Riker With Beard beam Geordi back to the bridge. They then haul ass to the random spacebase.

At the space hospital the doctors leave as Picard wakes up. One doctor remains and when Picard sees them he declares, "What the hell are doing here?!" The camera then reveals that it's Doctor Grandma. She tells him that she was saving his life.

Picard is like, "This is a bog standard operation!" to which Doctor Grandma replies that he is not a bog standard fellow. He then tells her that if she knows everyone else is going to know on the Enterprise. She tells him that her lips are sealed but in the very next scene the entire bridge crew applauds him as he walks on.

Picard tells Wesley that his test results will allow him to stay aboard the Enterprise (fuck) and that his brush with death was greatly exaggerated. They then set course to adventure to end a shit episode of a shit show.

How Rikered Was Riker With Beard?
Well my mangs Riker With Beard made a pretty dunderheaded boner by allowing Geordi to beam over to an alien spaceship all on his lonesome when the Enterprise crew knew fuck all about the aliens other than the fact that they seemed, "a little slow," so I'm guessing he was at least a little bit shitfaced. I mean if he'd had Worf beam over with Geordi none of the shit that happened would have come to pass though in that case we wouldn't have had an episode, not that losing this particular episode would have been any great loss.

Final Thoughts
To say nothing of the complete and utter lack of Star Trekkers laying pipe, this was across the board a thoroughly awful episode of television. Of the two primary plots going on in this episode the main plot (Geordi and the Pakleds) came about due to gross incompetence from characters who have more or less been shown to be experts in their field unless they are infected with a fuck plague which was not the case here. Moreover there wasn't really any resolution to the story. Sure they saved Geordi but then they immediately fucked off to a random spacebasse to deal with the secondary plot and never mentioned the scumbag aliens who clearly wait in space to "snare" unsuspecting "Samaritans." I don't need a huge scene about it or anything but having Worf say something like, "We've advised Starfleet of the the Pakleds' scam so they can alert ships in the area," would have at least tied a bow on that plot.

As for the second plot (Picard needs a new heart) it was more or less fine but I was a bit confused by why exactly Picard didn't want Doctor Grandma to perform the operation. Is doctor-patient confidentiality not a thing anymore in the Next Generation? The only thing approaching a reason ever given was that he was afraid she would blab about it to the entire crew. I'm also kind of curious why Doctor Grandma stopped being a heart transplant specialist in order to become a general practitioner since things rarely go in that direction with medical professionals in these our modern times.

Anyway this sucked, no one fucked.

Fuck Count
When the horniest thing to happen in an episode is Wesley Crusher being like one of those No Nut November virgins and bragging about how much self-control he has when it comes to women you know shit's fucked.

P.S. Wesley, it's not really self-control if no woman wants anything to do with you.

Total Fucks for Episode: 0
Total Fucks for Season: 6 (+1~3)
Total Fucks for Series: 12 (+1~3)

It is hilariously awful in this episode when they all just ignore Troi, who is actually doing her job competently. I think they ignore Worf, too. And by "they" I mean Riker. Dude, wtf?