Star Trek: TNG - An In-Depth Analysis of Who Boned the Most

The original theme is way too Star Wars-y

Parking lots are one of those ubiquitous 20th century things that would prove exceedingly difficult to explain/justify to aliens or time-travelers.

"So you're telling me you paved over 20% of the land in your over-crowded cities to use just for temporary storage of personal vehicles?  And these "personal" vehicles were capable of carrying 5-10 adults and/or a tonne of cargo, but were usually used for short distance trips by a single individual?  And there were so many of these personal vehicles in the more popular sections of the city that a journey of only a few kilometers could take half an hour or more?  And they were powered by explosions of irreplaceable fossil fuels that produced toxic air pollution?  And no one thought this was weird?"

"Um... yeah.  Did I mention they were really expensive too?"

So instead of little black dots, the Sim cars should have been Big Yellow Taxis?

Yeah Picard II writhing around on a bed with his mouth agape was kind of unnerving even now so I could easily see a small human being creeped out by it and Picard I's dickness was very much off the charts here. I honestly have no idea why he put himself on blast. My best guess is that he was just tired of Picard II being like, "I really must be going..."

I was just talking about this yesterday because apparently over on the Games board my write-ups about playing Mass Effect have like half a million views right now for some ludicrous reason. I like the idea that somewhere on the internet I have a massive following that I know absolutely nothing about, though the reality is it's probably bots.

Star Trek: The Next Generation - S01E14 - The Icarus Factor

Today at the Star Trek Fuck Report we continue our deep dive into the second season of Star Trek: The Next Generation in our ongoing study into which crew member most frequently got it on. Today we are examining the 14th episode of season 2, The Icarus Factor, which first aired on April 24, 1989.

Preexisting Prejudices
I do not recall this episode at all so will instead spend this time complaining about how lengthy this fuck drought has been going on. I cannot recall when the last time there was any sort of fucking explicit or otherwise on an episode of this goddamn show and frankly the episode quality is generally so low that I often end up feeling like I'm wasting my time if we don't at least get a couple of crew members laying pipe to wash down a real mediocre episode of a 30 year old sci-fi TV show.

Plot Synopsis
The episode begins with a Captain's Log in which Picard explains that they are en route to some random-ass space base for consultations because their ship is experiencing "readout anomalies" down in engineering.

On the Enterprise, Data seems to be annoyed by the implication that something has gone awry on the ship and offers up suggestions of what could be done instead of outsourcing engineering consultations to some randos from a space base. Geordi seems less bothered by the implications of having a third party audit his work.

Riker With Beard's like, "I don't remember this random-ass space base being on our itinerary," but Picard tells him that they need a 12 hour layover and moreover he's gotten some personnel transfer directives. He then asks Riker With Beard to join him in the conference room when he finishes what he's doing.

Later in the conference room, Picard reminisces about Encounter at Farpoint and how he dickishly made Riker Without Beard manually dock the ship when he first got aboard. Picard tells Riker With Beard that he's been stingy with his congratulations then and wants to make amends for it by congratulating him now for being selected to take command of the starship Ares.

The ship is apparently stationed in some random-ass sector many months away at "high warp," and recently the ship has picked up indications of intelligent life, though nothing has been confirmed yet. Picard tells Riker With Beard that this is why he has been selected as the new captain due to his "skill as an explorer and as a diplomat." In the thirty some-odd episodes I've seen since beginning the Fuck Report the only thing close to diplomacy Riker With or Without Beard was that time he fucked a world leader in that What if Sexism Happened to Men episode from Season One. Clearly he's the right pick for the job! Anyway he has 12 hours to think it over.

After that good, good opening theme song, we check in on the bridge. They begin an orbit of the random-ass space base and Picard tells Riker With Beard that they're going to be beaming a civilian adviser from the space base aboard to brief him on the Ares mission. Picard explains that the adviser is knowledgeable in the "frontier regions" and believes that Riker With Beard will "find the briefing interesting."

I've seen enough shitty TV shows that the care they're taking to not name this specific character here leads me to believe that it's someone from Riker With Beard's past so he can have a shocked reaction in the teleportation chamber ahead of the commercial break. I hope it's some space babe he boned at some point in the past but it's probably going to be some dude he had a rivalry with at the Academy or some shit since after a super horny beginning Season 2 has decided to be totally chaste.

Riker With Beard is then summoned down to the teleportation chamber to greet this adviser and my hopes for a horny 80s space babe are dashed when the adviser turns out to be Riker With Beard's dad, Kyle. I guess they haven't spoken to each other in 15 years. Riker With Beard doesn't seem happy to see him and fucks off telling the teleportation guy to get someone from security to escort his old man through the ship.

Meanwhile in a hallway, Wesley Crusher annoys the fuck out of Worf about dead dads. Worf screams, "ENOUGH!" at Wesley like everyone watching at home undoubtedly wanted to.

Down in Engineering there are a bunch of random auditors checking shit out. Geordi, who during the cold open, was all like, "It's no big deal if they send auditors to check things out," is now singing a different tune and complaining about what a pain in the ass they all are since they're checking things that he already ruled out.

Wesley comes in and whines to Geordi about getting yelled at by Worf. Geordi, not wanting to tell Wesley that he's just annoying as fuck, says that Worf is probably just bumming hard over the thought of losing his ACTION TEAM buddy, Riker With Beard due to Riker With Beard's promotion. Wesley, however, isn't so sure.

Down in Ten Forward, Riker With Beard and Miles O'Brien are drinking some brews. O'Brien tries to figure out what's bothering Riker With Beard asking him if it's females or career. Riker tells him that it's family and O'Brien says, "That is trouble. You choose your enemies, you choose your friends, but family? That's in the stars."

Dad Riker then comes in and is super popular with a bunch of random people. He then goes over to Dr. Grandma who is drinking alone at the bar and chats her up. Their conversation reveals that they were, at some point in the past, fucking.

Riker With Beard is grossed out by his Dad's PDA with Dr. Gradma and we quickly cut back to Engineering where Wesley Crusher continues to be an idiot. He wants to spy on Worf to try and figure out what's bothering him. Wesley tries to get Data and Geordi to help him but they're like, "Fuck off Wes...do it yourself."

Back down in Ten Forward Dad Riker and Dr. Grandma talk about how they used to bone all the time. Riker With Beard walks over and is pissed and is like, "I'm ready for that briefing now!" and then storms off.

Back from break, Dr. Grandma and Dad Riker continue chatting about how she's been married three times, because of course she has and how she and Dad Riker never got hitched because he wasn't emotionally available or some shit. Fuck this episode sucks so much ass!

Elsewhere in Ten Forward, a grumpy Worf is staring out the window at space. Gerodi and Data are spying on him because they got tricked by Trickster God Wesley Crusher...fuck I hate this. Data goes to talk to Worf and is like, "You seem to have lost the will to communicate with others," which honestly is a pretty good line. Data continues and after mentioning Wesley, Worf interrupts and bellows, "WITH ALL DUE RESPECT....BE GONE! Sir."

Meanwhile in Riker With Beard's lair, Riker With Beard is looking at pictures of him as a child before he had a beard. Someone rings his doorbell and Riker With Beard lets them in. It's Worf! Worf says that words aren't his bag and then asks Riker With Beard about the picture.

Riker With Beard tells him that it's a picture of him with a fish. Worf asks him if he caught it and Riker With Beard tells him that he did not, because as soon as his line pulled, his dad took the pole from him and reeled it in because he was afraid Riker With Beard would lose the fish.

Worf's like, "You don't like your dad too much do you?" Riker With Beard tells him that he's not sure and then changes the topic, asking Worf why he's there. Worf tells him that if he takes command of the Ares he wants to go with him. He explains that it might be dangerous and present him with a chance to die with honor in battle.

Riker With Beard tells him that that's not the point of the mission. Worf tells him that he knows that Riker With Beard will do the right thing.

Later in the conference room, Dad Riker arrives and tells his son, Riker With Beard, that he's glad they are alone since they can finally talk. Riker With Beard doesn't want to talk though he just wants the briefing. Dad Riker gives him a USB with the data and tells him that everything Riker With Beard needs to know is there.

Riker With Beard, asks him why he didn't just e-mail him the data. Dad Riker tells him that he'd heard good things about Riker and wanted to come and see for himself. Riker With Beard asks him if he'd heard good things why hadn't Riker With Beard heard from him.

Dad Riker tells him that keeping in touch is not his strong suit and that parenting doesn't come with a training manual. Fuck, it's a "Daddy issues" episode. I don't care what happens here. Riker With Beard randomly storms off like a petulant child because of a dead mom or something. Who cares?

After a commercial break some more bullshit happens. Dr. Grandma tells Dad Riker about Dr. Grandma's Ol' Fashioned Chicken Soup or some fucking down home folksy bullshit. I hate this episode so much.

Troi shows up and Dad Riker's like, "FUCK! This was a set up!" Troi talks to him about feelings and shit. I don't care about it. Dad Riker says he wanted to bury the hatchet with his son but found "that the ground was frozen solid." Troi uses X-Man powers to determine that Dad Riker is jealous of his son or some shit, I don't care. Next!

Later in Riker With Beard's lair, Picard shows up and asks Riker With Beard if he has any questions about the mission. Riker With Beard says that he doesn't but is a bit confused about the Ares' first officer. Picard gets super excited and tells Riker With Beard about how the first officer can speak forty languages and has an X-Man power to learn new languages instantly. He's Cypher from the New Mutants apparently and Picard is SUPER EXCITED about this fact.

Anyway Dad Riker shows up and puts the kibosh on anything interesting that might happen in this scene. Picard leaves and Riker With Beard yells at his dad that he was on his own since he was 15 and doesn't need his help now.

Dad Riker dickishly replies, "Please, spare me the pain of your childhood. I hung in for thirteen years. If that wasn't enough, it's just too bad," before fucking off to end the scene.

Back down in engineering Geordi is now worried that he did a bad job and missed something that the auditors are going to discover and shame him with. Data tells him that's probably not the case. Wesley shows up and tells the dudes that he figured out what Worf's problem is. Apparently it's the 10th anniversary of his ascension ceremony and he's supposed to commemorate it with his Klingon friends and family. Since he has neither of those things Wesley and the other two chuckleheads decide to use the holodeck so Worf can undergo the ceremony and stand in as his family.

Down in the sickbay, Riker With Beard apologizes to Dr. Grandma, telling her that it isn't any of his business if she and his dad were fucking at some point in the past. She then tells him some stuff about how his dad is a fighter or something. I don't care. Next!

Back from break, Wesley and the chucklefucks he's paired up with this week talk about the ceremony for Worf. "Painsticks" are going to be involved. This is such a dumb name for a thing. Geordi isn't keen on watching Worf get painsticked but will do it for his buddy.

Riker With Beard then goes to Picard's office to talk about his promotion. Picard tells him that he cannot tell Riker With Beard what to do but reminds him were he to stay he'd be the number 2 guy on Starfleet's flagship but if he were to captain the Ares he be on an insignificant ship in an obscure corner of the galaxy...but it would be his. Riker With Beard tells him that he needs a little more time to make up his mind.

Back in engineering Geordi is still whining about the inspection. O'Brien is there and tells Geordi that there's no harm in the auditors checking on the ship. Geordi's like, "What if they were all up in the teleportation chamber?" but O'Brien's like, "Eh, it wouldn't bother me," because he's the most chill dude in this episode...in this show perhaps.

Data says that if he weren't "a consummate professional and an android," he would find the entire thing to be very insulting. I guess that's supposed to be a joke. Wesley then comes over and asks O'Brien if he can come to Worf's party. He says that he will and Wesley tells him it's a surprise. O'Brien wanders off telling Wesley that he won't say a word.

Later in Troi's lair, Riker With Beard says goodbye to her. She doesn't want to say goodbye though and tells him "until next time." The two of them are both sad about parting and embrace but they cut away before anything happens and it's unlike that they fucked. Next!

Riker With Beard then runs into his dad in the hall way. Dad Riker wants to talk to Riker With Beard but Riker With Beard is like, "I've been polite the entire episode, now it's time for you to fuck off Dad!"

Dad Riker's like, "It's too bad there's no karate pit nearby so we could settle this once and for all."

Riker With Beard tells him that there is a karate pit and the two men agree to beat the fuck out of each other with karate sticks to solve their problems as we head to commercial.

After the break, Dad Riker goes to the sickbay and talks to Dr. Grandma. She's displeased by the fact that Dad Riker is going to karate fight his son. She tells him that violence solves nothing one episode after the episode where Picard laser blasted a future version of himself to death to solve whatever problem they were facing. She's also worried that he's going to get hurt on account of being an old fuck, but Dad Riker is like, "I can still kick my son's ass!"

Down on the holodeck, Geordi, Data, O'Brien, Wesley, and Dr. Grandma prepare for the ceremony. Former Entertainment Tonight host and current piano man, John Tesh is apparently one of the holographic Klingons here.

Out in the hall Troi leads Worf to the holodeck. Worf's like, "Fuck this shit!" but Troi explains that she knows about Ascension Day or whatever and how important it is to him. Worf is surprised and Troi tells him to go into the holodeck but declines to join him.

Inside the holodeck Worf goes through a gauntlet of holographic Klingons who stab at him with painsticks while he bellows stuff in Klingon and space English. I guess he's revealing his true feelings while John Tesh the Klingon painsticks him in the armpits. At one point Dr. Grandma wants to go help Worf when he stumbles but O'Brien holds her back and eventually Worf makes it to the end of the line and thanks all his friends for putting this together for him.

Later in the conference room, Dr. Grandma meets with Troi. Troi asks about Worf and Dr. Grandma tells her that he's fine but is glad that humans have progressed beyond such barbaric displays. Troi wonders if they truly have and brings up Dad Riker and Riker With Beard's upcoming karate match to kick the shit out of each other. They then are like, "I guess men are just idiots regardless of their species," before deciding that this violent stupidity is also what makes them so hot.

Down in the karate pit, Riker With Beard and Riker Dad are ready to beat the shit out of each other with giant American Gladiator Q-Tips while blindfolded. The karate pit has random Chinese characters and katakana all over the place. It's all very nonsensical stuff.

They beat the fuck out of each other while Riker With Beard yells shit like, "YOU SHOULD HAVE DIED INSTEAD OF MOM!" Riker With Beard successfully knocks his dad down once before Dad Riker gets fired up and runs wild on Riker With Beard, knocking him down once.

Dad Riker confesses that after Mom Riker died Riker With Beard was the only thing that kept him going, but Riker With Beard doesn't believe him and the fight continues. Dad Riker sweeps the leg (Johnny!) and knocks Riker With Beard on his ass. Riker With Beard is like, "What the fuck man! That move is totally illegal in karate stick fights!"

Dad Riker is like, "Oh shit is it?"

Riker With Beard then realizes that every time his dad had bested him in karate fights he had cheated. This somehow leads to them reconciling and the scene ends with them hugging it out.

Back on the bridge it is revealed that there was nothing wrong in engineering and they should just reprogram the system to correctly display the readout variables (something Data suggested in the cold open).

Riker With Beard then shows up and asks Picard's permission to remain the first officer of the Enterprise. Picard grants him permission and then asks him why he decided to stay. Riker tells him that he was "motivated by self-interest" and that, "for now the best place for me to be is here." They then blast off to more fuckless adventures.

How Rikered Was Riker With Beard?
I feel like this time we should talk more about how surly a teen was Riker With Beard since he was just acting like a shitty teenager. I was waiting for a scene that was him in his room, listening to 90s alterna-rock on his boombox at maximum volume while muttering to himself how much of an asshole his dad was but alas that scene never came.

Final Thoughts
I hated this episode so much. This kind of Star Trek is absolutely the worst kind of Star Trek. There was no space shit at all here and honestly this entire episode could have happened on any random non sci-fi sitcom or drama of their era if the minor sci-fi trappings were removed. Moreover the people writing for this show aren't good enough at writing humanistic emotional shit well enough to make it work.

Apparently, this was mainly Gene Roddenberry's fault. In Captains' Logs: The Unauthorized Complete Trek Voyages, Director Robert Iscove states, "It was an emotional piece, a character piece between two people. The father has deserted Riker for 25 years, then he comes back and they have this confrontation. Well, according to Roddenberry, by the 24th century we've all kind of resolved those feelings of anger. So it's very hard to play. If you're not going to serve the resentment and the anger, what happens once the two of them get together, you can't get into any real Human drama... The original series was much more humanistic in its approach." Iscove would turn down offers to direct additional episodes, stating "If you can't deal with the emotion, what's the point?" [1] What is the point indeed?

To be completely frank, I've been asking myself that very question while watching the last few episodes I've studied. This study is about who the horniest crew member of the Enterprise is and yet episode after episode is just completely chaste bullshit about hating dads and what happens if you meet a future version of yourself and whether or not a robot deserves rights. Perhaps I've already disproved my original hypothesis that Star Trek: The Next Generation was one of the horniest sci-fi shows to ever exist, since at this point that certainly does not seem to be the case. Maybe I should just pack it in now.

Fuck Count
Outside of the implication that at one point in the past Dr. Grandma and Dad Riker fucked, there was nothing going on here.

Total Fucks for Episode: 0
Total Fucks for Season: 6 (+1~3)
Total Fucks for Series: 12 (+1~3)

Yeah I was surprised by the Worf thing, which I did remember but didn't recall just being a random B-plot. I thought it was the main thrust of an episode but was apparently mistaken.

There's still hope, Nudeviking !

The only thing I remember from "The Icarus Factor" is that Pulaski once banged Riker's dad. Possibly more than once? This episode was boring. I didn't even remember the Worf stuff happened in this episode. I, too, thought it was a bigger part of a different episode.

Riker's mad at his dad for leaving, they fight, Riker learns his dad is a cheater, and now it's all good? Okay, Star Trek.

Was Q also going to be responsible for Dad Riker's cheating ways in karate fights?

Star Trek: The Next Generation - S02E15 - Pen Pals


I must confess that as of late I've taken little joy in watching this stupid program since the episodes I've gotten have been rather uniformly terrible even without my serious scientific study. It's just a bunch of bad episodes of a television show. To be most forth right I have been considering going on hiatus with the Fuck Report and still may do so, but this episode was downloaded onto my phone so I'll at least look at this one last episode to get it off my phone before I go on break. So, let's get down to business...to defeat...the Huns. Did they send me daughters? When I asked for sons? You're the saddest bunch I ever met...but you can bet before we're through..Mister, I'll make a man out of you!!!

Preexisting Prejudices
I don't know anything about this episode, but the title is pretty stupid and leads me to believe that there will be no fucking.

Plot Synopsis
Picard begins the episode with a cold open Captain's Log, explaining that they are in the planetary system of the week where every planet is going buck wild with geographic activity. He hopes the Enterprise can figure out why, but before they do he's got some more pressing matters to attend to: riding horses.

We see him and Troi walking to the holodeck talking about riding horses. Troi is surprised that Picard likes animals. He says he does not like small animals, but a horse? That's a different matter entirely. Picard asks Computer for "an appropriate mount," and after Computer lists off some random sci-fi animals Picard specifies, "Horse. Earth horse," which is the best single line of dialogue I've yet encountered in this stupid show.

Computer makes an Earth horse and Picard goes in to ride. He talks more to Troi about animals as he puts a saddle on the horse. Troi says that Betazoids aren't very good animals trainers because they "become too involved in the thoughts and shifting passions of the beast," and end up getting "swept up in emotion."

Picard quickly points out how stupid this reason is due to the fact that humans are far more complex and prone to shifting passions than any random-ass animal. Picard gets ready to mount up like a Regulator but is called back to the bridge on the space intercom by Riker With Beard.

Back on the bridge Riker With Beard shows Picard one of the planets from this week's star system. It looks like a big-ass ball of lava. Picard is impressed. Riker With Beard informs him that the "last unmanned probe showed a thriving ecosystem. Now there's nothing." Cue dramatic music sting.

After that good, good opening theme song, we join the crew in the conference room. Riker With Beard has summoned them all to discuss Wesley Crusher's education. He reminds everyone that he was technically put in charge of Wesley's schooling back in the first episode of this season and now wants to put Wesley in charge of the geological survey of the planets of the week.

They talk about whether or not Wesley's ready to command a team yet. Ultimately Picard thinks that he is and they then summon Wesley Crusher to join them in the conference room. He looks like he's going to piss himself in fear as he enters, but once he learns why he was called in he's giddy as fuck and all smiles. Picard reminds him that "this is a serious responsibility." Wesley stops being a complete goof and tells them that he'll try not to disappoint them.

What about me Wesley? The fact that this is shaping up to be a Wesley-centric episode has disappointed the heck out of me.

Over on the bridge, Data's taking apart some kind of spaceship chunk to upgrade scanners or something. Worf asks him if he can also scan for artificial transmissions in addition to naturally occuring signals. Data tells him that those signals are very hard to detect which is why he is trying to boost the power. Worf then trips on some chunks that Data has next to the workstation he's dicking around at. Data tells him he will clean it all up. Worf is grumpy.

Meanwhile in the hallway Wesley interrupts Riker With Beard as he is trying to put the mack moves on Troi. He asks for advice on putting together a sci-fi team and says that he's overthinking it all and confusing himself. He tells Riker With Beard who his picks are. Troi then uses X-Men powers to detect that Wesley is a bit unsure of himself because everyone is much older than him.

He says that she's right and feels weird about having to boss around people older and more experienced then him. Also he doesn't know what to do about personality conflicts. Riker With Beard tells him that if there are personality conflicts Wesley will settle them because he's in charge. Do H.R. departments no longer exist in the Next Generation?

Wesley is like, "So you not only have to understand the job, but you also have to be a ship's counselor?" Troi tells him that sometimes that is the case. Wesley thanks them and runs off.

Later in a science lab, Wesley meets some dude named Davies that he wants to recruit for his sci-fi team. Davies is please to be on the team and asks who else Wesley's got. Wesley tells him and Davies like, "It's just personal opinion, but I like to break up married teams." Wesley tells him that he hadn't thought of that but Davies is like, "Don't worry they'll probably work out fine," and then offers to take over for Wesley if he gets overwhelmed by his assignment. Wesley thanks him and tells him that he thinks he'll do alright.

Later in Data's quarters he's fucking around with a ham radio and picks up a transmission asking, "Is anybody out there?" Data replies, "Yes," to bring the act to a close.
Meanwhile in a hallway, Wesley is pacing around in front of a door looking nervous. Dr. Grandma sees him and asks him what he's pacing around about. Wesley tells her that his team is behind the door and he has to assign task to all of them and lay out schedules and stuff. She tells him that it sounds like he has everything under control. Wesley says that he's worried since he hasn't had to deal with them professionally.

Dr. Grandma tells him that he has nothing to prove to them since he has the authority. Wesley bemoans the fact that he only has the authority because Riker With Beard said he did. Dr. Grandma tells him that it's now up to him to hang onto that authority and that for what it's worth she thinks he's going to do a good-ass job.

We then get a Captain's Log in which Picard explains that they've been chilling out in the star system of week for six weeks while Wesley and his guys study rocks and shit on a bunch of planets that are going buck wild geologically.

We then check in with Wesley's crew doing science. They seem to be doing good work and listening to Wesley until Wesley asks them to do some kind of sci-fi test due to the presence of trace amounts dilithium present on some of the tests but Davies is like, "Those tests will take a long time to set up and a lot of time these sort of trace amounts of dilithium are just false positives."

One of the other science people tells him that setting up the scanner is a major undertaking. "Five hours minimum!" interjects Davies. Wesley says that he doesn't want to half-ass it. Davies tells him that there's doing a thorough job and then there's wasting time and knowing which is which is the mark of a good leader. Wesley looks glum and tells him that maybe he is right.

Meanwhile Data asks Computer about volcanoes on one of the planets of the week. Whatever he sees freaks him out and he goes to find Picard. He finds him riding a horse on the holodeck. He tells Picard that he got a transmission from a girl named Sarjenka on one of the planets and during the 8 weeks that they've been chilling in the system he has been talking to her. Her civilization is apparently unaware of space shit so Data talking to her was not okay via the Prime Directive.

"Oops..." says Picard.

Data goes on to tell her that through context clues in the conversations and Wesley's science work it's become clear to him that Sarjenka's planet is also going to get fucked up due to geography. Data tells Picard that if they can determine what is causing the problem they may be able to resolve them and save everyone.

Picard tells him that this would violate the Prime Directive even more, but tells Data to call a staff meeting to rap about this issue and also to stop talking to a girl child on a random-ass planet immediately not because it's creepy as fuck but because it's against the Prime Directive.

In Ten Forward, Riker With Beard is putting the mack moves on a lady. He excuses himself to get them two more beers but before he can return to the table he sees Wesley motioning for him to come over. Riker With Beard give the lady her beer and temporarily excuses himself due to a "family emergency."

Riker With Beard joins Wesley who explains what happened with Davies. Riker With Beard tells him that it's sometimes hard to give people orders. Wesley explains that the issue isn't really the age of his crew, but rather the thought that there's nothing about him that makes his judgement superior to those he's bossing around.

Riker tells him that he needs to learn to trust judgement if he wants to sit in the captain's chair. Wesley asks him what happens if he makes the wrong decision though. Riker With Beard tells him that it's arrogant to think that he'll never make mistake. Wesley asks him what if it's something more crucial that a geological survey and someone dies because of his mistake.

Riker With Beard tells him to just ask himself "What would Picard do?" Wesley says that Picard would listen to everyone's opinions and then decide what to do and once he made his decision no one would question him because he's Captain Picard.

Data then summons Riker With Beard to the conference room for a staff meeting and Riker With Beard tells Wesley that he has to go and hopes he was some help. Wesley tells him that he's going to have to Davies run those tests. Riker With Beard leaves and tells the babe that he was having beers with that he has to go and that he'll see her later. AW YE YE!

Later in the science lab, Wesley tells Davies to do the tests and Davies is just like, "Okay," and that's the end of that. I know I generally shit all over Wesley and Wesley related plots for how much of a Mary Sue the character is or whatever that goddamn term is, but I thought this was honestly really well done especially the conclusion just being Davies agreeing to do the thing without issue since 90% of time that's how this sort of self-doubting shit ends up working out.

In the conference room, the crew discuss what to do about the millions of people that are about to die on a planet down below. They talk about the Prime Directive which always seems like a pretty shitty rule to have in place since it's always just a convenient reason to not do something that is very clearly "the right thing to do," and never actually protect Starfleet as Picard says it is supposed to (see the fact that they were going to let Wesley die for stepping on a flower because of the Prime Directive back in season one).

Talk gets ever more "stoned college freshmen at 2:00 in the morning" when the crew start to talk about fate and cosmic plans and "if there is fate maybe we're fated to help these people." It's all very, very stupid. Eventually Picard tells Data to terminate the transmission with Sarjenka but instead Data plays her asking where Data is and telling him that she's afraid. Because this transmission constitutes a direct request for help, Picard decides that helping them would no longer be in direct violation of the Prime Directive.

Back from break, Wesley's science team explains to Riker With Beard and Picard what the issue is. It's boring technical garbage that they can fix by playing some specific frequency to dissolve dilitium or something. They all credit Wesley for ordering the test he was worried about ordering for discovering this fact because otherwise shit out of luck.

Picard tells them to get to work on it and they leave. Riker With Beard then tells Picard that Data is calculating the safest place on the planet. Picard is not pleased with this but tells Riker With Beard that Data can contact his friend to tell them where they should go in order to be safe. Picard then tells Riker With Beard that they're up to their neck in the shit.

Meanwhile in Data's quarter's he is attempting to contact Sarjenka, but can't due to atmospheric activity.

Later in Picard's office, Worf and a science nerd tell Picard about how they're going to destroy the crystals and save the planet. It's more technical bullshit that I don't give a shit about since what's really important is that Picard bellows, "TEA! EARL GREY! HOT!" and for the first time succeeds in getting the food-a-majig to make him one that he then consumes.

Worf and the science nerd leave and Data comes in asking to beam down to the planet. He explains that he is unable to transmit a message so he wants to deliver it in person. Picard's like, "C'mon mang!" but ultimately Data convinces him to let him go. Picard tells Riker With Beard to handle to teleportation and as Riker With Beard asks where they are now, Picard motions to signify that they are in over their heads.

In the teleportation chamber, Riker With Beard tells O'Brien to "take a nap." O'Brien goes over to the corner to doze off while Riker With Beard prepares to beam Data down telling him that he has ten minutes and if he sees anyone except Sarjenka, he is to immediately beam back up. Data is then beamed down to the planet and Riker With Beard is immediately summoned back to the bridge. Riker With Beard leaves and tells O'Brien that he knows what to do.

Down in Sarjenka's house which is made entirely of hexagons, Data wanders about. He finds the radio she used to contact him but no one is there. There are some tremors and Data touches a wall, causing it to disappear revealing a red, volcanic hellscape outside the hexagon house.

A moment later an orange child with weird hands comes running it. It's Sarjenka. Data introduces himself and tells her that she and her family must leave due to the earthquakes and volcanoes and shit. She tells him that they did but she came back to get her ham radio. Data tells her that she cannot survive the hell that's outside her front door and decides to beam Sarjenka back onto the Enterprise with him.

Back in the teleportation lair O'Brien tells Data, "There's going to be hell to pay."

Data asks where Riker With Beard is and learns he's on the bridge. Data heads off to the bridge with Sarjenka and O'Brien's a bit of a space racist when he asks, "And you're going to take that?" Sarjenka doesn't want to stay with the space racist and begs not to be left behind so Data takes her to the bridge.

Data arrives on the bridge with Sarjenka and Picard is fucking pissed! He tells Troi to take Sarjenka to sickbay, but Sarjenka wants to stay with Data. It's all very, very annoying. Eventually Picard just tells Data to keep her over by his workstation as they launch science at the planet to try and save it. I guess it works.

Afterwards Picard has Data take Sarjenka to sickbay. As soon as they leave he calls Dr. Grandma and is like, "Remember that old-ass 21st century Michael Gondry movie, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind? Can you do that mind erase shit on a small orange child with fucked up hands?" Dr. Grandma says that as long as the orange child's brain is similar to a human brain she can.

Later in sickbay Sarjenka sees some kind of stone on Dr. Grandma's desk. It is a singing stone that sings a different song for whoever holds it. Sarjenka asks Data what song it sings for him. He tells her that it doesn't sing for him because he's a robot. This is maybe the single most depressing throwaway line I've come across on this show yet.

Anyway Dr. Grandma erases all Sarjenka's memories of Data and the trip to the Enterprise. Data then takes her back home while she's still sedated and puts her in her bed but the puts the singing stone into one of her fucked up hands before beaming back up to the Enterprise.

Back on the Enterprise, Data apologizes to Picard for making everyone on the ship do crazy bullshit that is against the rules but Picard tells him that sometimes there are obligations that go beyond duty. Data tells Picard that even though Sarjenka will not remember him he will remember her. Picard comments that remembrance and regrets are also a part of friendship and that understanding that has brought Data "a step closer to understanding humanity."

And that's the end of the show. Another total bullshit episode.

How Rikered Was Riker With Beard?
Well, we actually saw him knocking back beers while on the job in this episode so I'm assuming the answer to this is, "Very."

Final Thoughts
Do you know how bad an episode has to suck when Wesley Crusher: Boy Genius is honestly one of the least annoying parts of the episode? Somehow this shitty episode managed to pull off that remarkable feat since his plot was almost humanizing for a character who back in season one was declared to be the Chosen One. That's not to say it was good, it was just the least bad part of a terribly bad episode. This shit sucked. Also no one fucked.

Fuck Count
We were so goddamn close! Riker With Beard was clearly about 20 minutes away from taking a trip to the Bone Zone with that lady medical officer that he was chugging beers with before fucking Data cockblocked my mang, Riker With Beard, calling him to a staff meeting about how to save a small orange child with fucked up hands.

Total Fucks for Episode: 0
Total Fucks for Season: 6 (+1~3)
Total Fucks for Series: 12 (+1~3)