Star Trek: TNG - An In-Depth Analysis of Who Boned the Most

Star Trek: The Next Generation - S01E14 - Angel One

Here we go! Angel One baby! One of the worst episodes of any Star Trek series ever in the history of stars and treks. What is there to say about it that more serious scholars of Star Trek haven't already said, but good episodes and bad episodes are all equal in the eyes of a Star Trek Fuckologist provided there are trips to the bone zone to be seen. So does this one have it? Let's find out!

Preexisting Prejudices
I am quite of the mind that this episode sucks but also think there's fucking to be found which means it'll have to rank this is better than most of the episodes I've seen out of season 1.

Plot Synopsis
While cruising around in space, the Enterprise discovered the wreckage of a freighter called Odin which disappeared seven years earlier. Apparently it got wrecked by an asteroid and there was no sign of life on board, but scans reveal that three escape pods were missing.

The Enterprise then goes to Angel One, a nearby class M planet to see if there are any survivors from the Odin. Angel One is apparently a female-dominated society ruled by six mistress and a leader known as "the elected one." Apparently the last time Starfleet contacted the planet was 62 years ago.

Since they're all lady types on Angel One, Picard decides it would be best if Troi contacted them to ask about marooned space truckers. Troi talks to the Elected One, Beata or some shit, who is a total dick to Troi causing Geordi to mutter, "Ever feel like you're not really wanted?" Eventually, however, Beata agrees to let a group from the Enterprise beam down to the planet.

After the good, good opening theme song, the away team make their way to the teleportation room. En route they encounter Escaped Convict Wesley Crusher and one of his buddies dressed in real dumb looking clothes (a central theme of this episode) as they head into the holodeck for a ski lesson.

"Save us some deep powder," says Riker, clearly in his cups and fucking with Wesley.

"No problem, sir. The holodecks have all you'll ever need," replies Wesley, oblivious to the fact that Riker is totally fucking with him.

The away team consisting Data, Riker (with some weird tupperware thing), Troi, and Yar beam down to Angel One and go to meet with the Lady President, Beata. They ask her about potential survivors on the planet but she's all weird and asks why they're only coming now after all this time.

Riker tells her that they only discovered the freighter by accident. They then tell her that they only want to find any of them survivors and bring them home. One of the other lady leaders, a woman named Ariel, is super pissed off about all this and so Beata refuses to tell them whether or not there are any survivors. She orders her fuckboy, a guy named Trent (because what else would his name be) to take the crew from the Enterprise to another room so the lady leaders can discuss the matter further.

While they wait, Troi says that there was a lot of nervousness in the room, but different people were nervous about different shit so she doesn't know, but she's pretty sure that there are survivors somewhere on the planet.

Back on the Enterprise, Picard and Worf are in an elevator. Picard tells him that once the away team is back they need to haul ass to the Neutral Zone because Romulan battle cruisers are on the move! They get off the elevator and as they walk past the entrance to the holodeck they get nailed by a snowball thrown by one Wesley "Fuckface" Crusher.

Picard's like, "Yo, what the fuck man?!"

Wesley offers a halfhearted excuse saying that "it just happened," but Picard is not hearing it and scolds him telling Wesley, "On the Enterprise, Mr. Crusher, nothing just happens!" Picard and Worf then both smell a weird smell that Worf says smells like some Klingon flower or something.

Meanwhile on Angel One, Data is fucking around with some perfume and doesn't understand why people would use perfume. Riker explains that it helps humans fuck. Speaking of fucking, Beata's fuckboy, Trent, shows back up and tells the crew that the lady leaders will see them again.

The crew go back to the council chamber where Beata tells them that they will tell them about the survivors even though the decision was not unanimous. She tells the crew that there were four survivors and their leader was a man named Ramsey. At first they were polite and thankful for the hospitality of the natives of Angel One, but after awhile the started to abuse that hospitality and began to cause trouble and now are in hiding.

The crew of the Enterprise tell her that they might be able to use their ship to scan for them and Data asks to go to the library to try to find an element that is non-existent on Angel One. Beata's like, "But you're a man, clearly you're too dumb to use a library," but Data's like, "I might look like a man, but I'm a robot," so she's like, "Oh cool! Maybe you can teach our dumbass men how to be good-ass robots or something."

Back on the Enterprise, Dr. Beverly Crusher tells Picard that both Wesley Crusher and his buddy have caught some kind of plague. She is working on a vaccine though. Oh joy, yet another "everyone on the ship has some kind of plague," episode. What is this, the third of this season?

Back on the planet, Data tells the away team that they might be able find the survivors from the Odin by searching for platinum since it doesn't exist on Angel One naturally. Data then asks Geordi to scan for platinum. Riker is brought a suit of native garb that he goes to change into for his meeting with Beata.

Troi and Yar are like, "You're going to wear that weird fuckboy costume?" and Riker tells them that he's worn all kinds of weird fuckboy costumes when meeting with alien presidents and goes to change. He comes back out a minute later dressed in the fuckboy garb. Yar tells him that "it looks kind of sexy!" and Riker thanks her and informs her that "it feels quite comfortable."

Dr. Beverly Crusher checks on Picard and tells him that he's too fucking sick to be captain anymore and sends him to bed. Picard tells Geordi that he's in command until Riker returns. Geordi sits in Picard's chair while Worf sneezes and apologies for getting sick. Wasn't it one episode prior to this where no one knew about sneezing and now everyone's just like "Oh sneezing is a totally normal thing we do all the time." Worf tells Geordi that scans of Angel One have determined a sole instance of platinum on the planet.

Back on Angel One, Riker meets with Beata and tells her that the Enterprise has found the location of the men from the Odin. Ariel still doesn't trust Riker though and storms out. Riker then sends Yar, Troi, and Data to go to the location of the platinum and find the survivors of the Odin. The three of them then beam to a cave where they find a MacGuyver looking motherfucker who greets them and says that he's been expecting them.

Back on the Enterprise, Dr. Beverly Crusher tells Geordi that there are 82 more cases of the plague and that she's converted a holodeck into a triage station. Worf sneezes again and then leaves to go to the sickbay.

Back at the cave on Angel One, Yar tells Ramsey that they found him by scanning Angel One for platinum. Ramsey's like, "Ah my wings..." Yar then tells him that they're going to bring him home, but Ramsey's like, "You can't rescue a man from what he calls his home." He says that some of them have taken wives and now have kids and don't want to run away, they just want to live their lives.

Meanwhile in Beata's fucklair, she tells Riker that Ramsey and his guys are a bunch of anarchists and outlaws who were upsetting the order of things on Angel One, but enough about that, she's got the hots for Riker and the two of them start to kiss. Beata's fuckboy, Trent, them comes in with the gift that Riker brought early. It's some kind of crystal that glows. Beata and Riker then fuck! AW YE YE!!! +1 for Riker on the fuck count!

Over at the cave, Ramsey tells the away team that when he and his dudes first arrived on Angel One they thought they'd gone to heaven since there were smoking hot babes everywhere, but soon they saw how bad it was for the men. They couldn't vote and no one respected them. When Ramsey and his dudes were like, "Yo what the fuck? Why do men only make 75 cents to a woman's dollar?" and when they spoke out against this discrimination they were deemed to be heretics and were forced to become fugitives.

Data says that since Ramsey and his guys are just space truckers and not Starfleet employees, the Prime Directive prevents them for forcing them to go with them.

Back on the Enterprise, Dr. Beverly Crusher tells Geordi that there are more infected people than beds. Geordi tells here that if they have to engage with the Romulans they're going to be seriously undermanned.

Yar calls up Geordi and asks him to beam the three of them back to their previous location so they can pick up Riker and return to the ship. Geordi tells them that a third of the Enterprise has been laid low by whatever non-fuck plague Wesley Crusher has infected them all with and that Romulan ships are converging in the Neutral Zone.

Back on Angel One, the away team ask Ramsey how he knew they were coming but he won't tell them. After the away team gets beamed away though, he says, "You can come out love," and Ariel from the Angel One senate or whatever, comes out of a cave and the two kiss.

Back in Beata's fuck-lair, Riker is with Beata, post-coitus when Beata's fuckboy, Trent, comes in and tells them that Riker's people have returned without Ramsey and his crew. Yar comes in and tells Riker that Ramsey refused to come with them. Beata is then like, "Whelp...I guess we gotta execute all those fuckers then."

Back on the Enterprise Dr. Beverly Crusher visits a shirtless Picard in his chambers. She's got some drugs for him to heal him up but warns him, "It looks horrible, tastes worse, but it's absolutely guaranteed to make you feel better."

Picard knocks it back and then Dr. Beverly Crusher asks him why he's wearing cologne. He is not but mentions that he and Worf smelled the same thing down by the holodeck when they got hit with snowballs by Wesley Crusher. Dr. Beverly Crusher then realizes that the disease spreads via odor and heads out to go devise a remedy.

Down on the planet, Data tells Riker that there are seven Romulan battle cruisers are in the Neutral Zone and the USS Berlin is in the area but the Enterprise being there would be a great show of strength. The away team is like, "We shouldn't worry to much about Ramsey and his people since they'll have to find them before they can execute them."

Beata then comes in and brings Ramsey and his crew into the room and everyone is like, "OH FUCK HOW DID YOU FIND THEM?!" She tells Riker that they didn't need the might of the Enterprise to find the rebels, they only needed to follow one of their own, the traitorous Ariel, to find where Ramsey was hiding out. She then tells Riker that all Ramsey's dudes are going to get executed the next day.

Riker is all righteous and asks to speak to Ramsey one more time and attempt to convince him to leave. She agrees and Riker and the other members of the away team visit Ramsey and his crew in jail. Riker's like, "Listen bro you're going to get executed if you stick around here," but Ramsey's like "Whatever dude."

Riker then is like, "Fuck this shit, I'm just going to beam them all up," and calls the Enterprise to beam them all up even though it's totally against the rules of Starfleet and he'll probably get fired. Dr. Beverly Crusher answers because Geordi is now infected as well. She refuses to beam them up because the plague is still running wild and if anyone gets beamed up they'll probably die.

Back on Angel One, Riker tells Data to beam back to the Enterprise and head to the Neutral Zone before it's too late and wreck shop on the Romulans there.

The next day, Beata's fuckboy, Trent, invites the away team to come witness the execution. The away team tells Trent to fuck off but then Data contacts them. He hasn't left Angel One yet since Riker told him to get to the Neutral Zone on time, and by his calculations he has 47 minutes for Dr. Beverly Crusher to concoct an antidote to the plague before he leaves for the Neutral Zone. Riker is happy that Data followed his orders so exactly and then tells Trent that they'll be attending the execution after all.

Out in the execution hall, Beata speechifies about how Ramsey and his followers have preached heretical teachings "inconsistent with harmonious life on Angel One," and continues to say that their "patient efforts to silence revolutionary voices have failed," thus leaving them with only "the most final alternative." She then has her fuckboy, Trent, use some weird machine to disintegrate a vase. Beata then says that the people of Angel One are not without compassion and the deaths of Ramsey and his dudes will be "swift and painless."

Riker makes a speech about how Beata's not trying to stop a revolution, she's attempting to stop evolution and that by executing Ramsey and his people she'll only make them into martyrs since you can't kill an idea or some shit. Beata doesn't seem to give a fuck though and has Ramsey put into the disintegration contraption. She has Trent the Fuckboy prepare to use the contraption, but at the last second, Beata relents and says that they are going to adjourn to reconsider the fate of Ramsey & Co.

Back on the Enterprise, Dr. Beverly Crusher informs Data that she's devised a remedy for the plague. Data calls Riker and tells him that they've got a vaccine now. Riker tells Data to get a lock on the away team and Ramsey's party and wait for further instructions.

Beata returns and says that she's decided to stay the executions and instead exile Ramsey and his people to a remote area where they can't inspire others to long for change. "As some have observed we may not be able to stop evolution," she says, "but perhaps we can reduce it to a slow crawl." Before Riker has Data beam him and the rest of the away team back up Beata tells Riker that he's pretty clever for a dude.

With the problem of sexism not solved in the slightest, the away team returns to the Enterprise where they are give vaccines against the most recent plague to have ravaged the crew by Dr. Beverly Crusher.

Picard has returned to work as well and talks to the crew about what went down on Angel One and then orders Data to set course for the Neutral Zone so they can go fight the Romulans or whatever. Data sets the coordinates and awaits Picard's order.

Picard, who is still hoarse as fuck, croaks out something inaudible. Data questions him and then an annoyed looking Picard gives Riker a look and the recently fucked Riker tells Data to, "Engage." The Enterprise then blasts off to the end credits.

How Rikered Was Riker?
Riker fucked a president as part of establishing diplomatic relations, declared that he didn't give a shit about the rules he was supposed to follow, and walked around with his chest hair prominently on display. The dude was completely and utterly out of control.

Final Thoughts
A the foremost scholar of Star Trek Fuckology, this episode is a critical early example of Star Trek horniness that must be closely examined by all those wishing to discuss this field of study but as an actual episode of a TV show it sucked a lot of ass.

The menfolk on Angel One could be viewed as stand-ins for whatever discriminated group in real life you'd like be it by gender, race, religion, or sexual orientation and while the bulk of the episode seemed to promote the "discrimination is bad" ideology, the conclusion to the episode saw the Lady President of Angel One declaring, "We might not be able to stop progress, but we're going to separate these people from the rest of us and do everything we can to slow progress to a crawl." This was apparently perfectly fine with Riker and all those being discriminated against which is a real shit way to solve the problem of racism/sexism/homophobia/transphobia/etc. But, these are all matters that should be explored by the Star Trek Racism Report. This is the Star Trek Fuck Report and I am happy to report that Riker got it on.

Fuck Count
Finally! After way too many boring-ass chaste episodes of Star Trek: The Next Generation, we finally get some fucking! My man Riker is back on the board after fucking an alien president to tie things up with Tasha Yar at two fucks apiece.

Riker: +1
Beata: +1

Total Fucks for Episode: 2
Total Fucks for Season: 6
Total Fucks for Series: 6

That does appear to be the case.

Maybe someone sneezed on the control panel? 

It's like when Geordi created a holodeck Moriarty that could "defeat Data", so of course the holodeck created a fully autonomous AI version that could figure out how to escape.

Wesley must have accidentally told the holodeck to create "really COLD snow" and the holodeck made it an actual viral cold instead.

Foiled again by continuity!

Star Trek: The Next Generation - S01E15 - 11001001

It's time for another trek into the stars in the next generation! Today we're taking a peep at the 15th episode of season 1 of Star Trek: The Next Generation, 11001001, which I guess is "É" in languages for not-robots. What that random-ass title (either the binary shit or the random French letter) has to do with aliens hijacking the Enterprise I cannot say since I don't remember anything about this particular episode.

Preexisting Prejudices
As I mentioned above I don't remember shit about this episode, but based on the brief plot blurb I guess it's about aliens attempting to steal the Enterprise. Some people have told me that this is one of the rare "decent" episodes out of season one, but I think those people were probably talking about its merits as an episode of a television show and not as a piece of data in the definitive study into the exciting field of Star Trek Fuckology. All of these words are a pretty convoluted way to say I have no preexisting prejudices.

Plot Synopsis
The Enterprise blows the remainder of its special effects budget for the season in the pre-credits stinger by docking at a Spacebase. It's shot really weird with weird angles that I haven't seen them use before so I don't think it's stock footage unless it's stock footage from an older source (one of the Star Trek Original Series movies or some shit?).

Anyway the ship is at the spacebase for a maintenance check and to receive some upgrades. Haven't they been getting maintenance checks and upgrades in every goddamn episode of this show this far? I mean the ending of Datalore had Picard bellow about going somewhere to get the computers upgraded and there was the episode where that creep, The Traveler, upgraded their engines or something, and the holodeck got upgraded so that Picard could play 1940s private dick a few episodes back. It seems like every episode either has the crew laid low by a plague or an Enterprise that is in need of upgrades, but that's a matter that the Star Trek Mission Report should probably look into. This is the Star Trek Fuck Report and therefore that sort of stuff is well outside our purview.

Once the Enterprise has docked, Picard and Riker go down to meet the maintenance crew who will be performing the upgrades and maintenance work. Their leader is Slightly Taller Picard With a Goatee. He greets them and asks why they are a week late. Picard mentions getting delayed at some planet but it wasn't Angel One so my brief hope that this upgrade was the computer upgrades mentioned at the end of Datalore was dashed.

Slightly Taller Picard With a Goatee tells them that he was part of the team that built the Enterprise and thus wants to know how its running. Picard's like, "It's a good-ass spaceship my dude!"

Slightly Taller Picard With a Goatee has a couple of weird looking aliens with him known as Binars. Slightly Taller Picard With a Goatee tells Picard and Riker that one of the aliens is named 01 and the other is named 10 and they are a pair of some sort. Binars apparently live on a world with a big ass computer and therefore can speak binary or some shit, hence the title of the episode. They're like Donatello from the Ninja Turtles in that they can "[do] machines."

Slightly Taller Picard With a Goatee tells Regular Picard that the Binars just upgraded another ship that's now running like a dream and will get the Enterprise upgraded in no time. Picard's like, "Cool we need to leave in two days for a very important meeting," and the Binars are like, "Two days?! Oh fuck! Okay we can do it."

Picard and Riker then make their way back to the bridge and discuss what they're going to do with their respective free time. Picard says he's going to turn on some kind of light in his lair and read a old-ass book. Riker, however, doesn't know how to manage his free time well but says that, "Something will turn up. It always does."

If I know my man Riker (and I think I do) he's probably talking about fucking but doesn't want to tell Picard that he's got a line on some premium 'tang!

Riker arrives on the bridge and finds Escaped Convict Wesley Crusher watching the Binars working. There are now four of them. Riker's like, "Yo what the fuck? Why are there four of you now? I thought there were only supposed to be two of you weird looking fucks."

One of the Binars (let's say 01) seems sketchy as fuck as they tell Riker, "You needed the work done quickly so we need to bring on some additional workers."

Riker's like, "That seems sketchy as fuck but I'm going to aimlessly wander around the Enterprise. Wesley, you stay here and keep an eye on these weirdos."

TALK ABOUT A COLD OPEN!

After that good, good opening theme song, we return to the Enterprise to find Riker wandering aimlessly through the halls. He runs into Worf, Yar, and a couple anonymous crew members who are dressed all goofy to go play some kind of Parcheesi Squares game with the maintenance crew of the spacebase.

Yar invites Riker to join them, but he says they've already got enough players. Yar says they can sub people in and out but Riker's like, "Nah, mid-game substitutions fucks up a team's rhythm." He wishes them luck and Worf vows to vanquish the starbase maintenance team.

Riker's like, "Woah buddy! Chill out! It's just a game. You have fun...maybe make some new friends."

Worf replies, "If winning is not important, then, Commander, why keep score?"

Worf then heads off with the rest of the team and Yar tells Riker that Worf was probably only joking, insisting that he's developing a sense of humor. So do Worf and Data have the same "They need to learn human humor," gimmick? Seems shitty to have the same gimmick for two different characters.

As Yar leaves, the lights dim in the hallway so Riker asks the computer what the f is going on. The computer informs him that power in uninhabited areas of the ship is being shut down to allow the computer to work on upgrades to the system. Riker is pleased by this response and continues on his way.

The next stop on his walkabout is the employee break room where Data is painting something. Riker's like, "Yo WTF are you doing dude?" Geordi tells him that he's helping Data explore his creativity by painting. Riker laughs at them and tells them to take notes. Geordi's confused and asks him why he should take notes. Riker, in full-on dick mode, laughs and tells him, "Because a blind man teaching a robot how to paint is fucking ridiculous and I'm sure some dweeb will want to write about it in a scholarly fashion."

With nothing else to do, Riker visits the sickbay to mack it to Dr. Beverly Crusher. He finds her busily packing some stuff up and is all amped up because some man of science that knows about cybernetics is apparently on the spacebase. She seems to have a bit of a crush on the dude from when he lectured at her space medical school. She talks to Riker about how she is going to talk to him about some zany plan she has to combine cybernetics and regeneration. Eventually she gets in an elevator and leaves Riker alone again.

Still having nothing better to do, Riker heads down to the holodeck where he finds a couple of the Binars working on some shit. They tell Riker that they've successfully upgraded the holodeck and ask him if he wants to check it out. He does and then tells the computer to make him a place to play some music, specifically a New Orleans jazz bar on Bourbon Street circa 1958.

After the computer cooks up a jazz bar, Riker requests a jazz trio (piano, drums, and bass) as well as a trombone for him. With the band in place, Riker than tells the computer to render an audience. In an instant a crowd of people appear to populate the club, but Riker wants something a bit more intimate and so the computer removes everyone but a single woman.

Riker is pleased with the babeocity of the babe but is of the mind that blondes have no place in a jazz club. The computer replaces the blonde with a brunette. Again Riker appreciates the effort but wants someone who is more of a floozy and so the computer renders a sultry looking brunette played by the lady who played Dr. Elizabeth Olivet in a bajillion Law & Order (and SVU and Criminal Intent and maybe Trial by Jury) episodes.

"Gentlemen, if this is what you call 'enhancement,' you've got a gift for understatement!" Riker exclaims as he ogles the babe. Satisfied with the improvements the Binars have made to the holodeck's Babe Rendering Algorithm, Riker goes over to her and spits game, "What's a knockout like you doing in a computer-generated gin joint like this?"

She tells him that she's waiting for him so Riker continues to mack it to her like only William Riker can. "What's your name and tell me you love jazz."

The babe replies, "My name is Minuet and I love all jazz, except Dixieland."

Riker wonders why she doesn't like Dixieland and she replies, "Because you can't dance to it."

Riker is pleased by this and exclaims, "My girl!"

The Binars then look at Riker like he's a complete and utter moron and talk to each other in 1990s modem noises.

Meanwhile on the bridge, Wesley Crusher asks Slightly Taller Picard With a Goatee how the Binars are able to process information so fast. Slightly Taller Picard With a Goatee, either due to being woke as fuck or just annoyed as fuck by Wesley Crusher tells him to go ask the Binars themselves. Wesley does so and the Binars tell him that they have computer belts or something that they use to store information until they need it. Wesley thinks that it must be awesome to have such a close relationship with technology. The Binars say that it does have its advantages but also its disadvantages...DUN DUN DUHHHHN! FORESHADOWING ALL UP IN THIS MUG!

Picard comes out of his lair and asks Wesley where Commander Riker is. Wesley tells him that he's down in the holodeck and then asks Picard if he'd like him to summon Riker. Picard tells Wesley that he'll just go down to the holodeck and see him and then heads off, leaving Wesley in charge of the bridge.

Down on the holodeck, Riker is playing the trombone along with the jazz trio. I wonder if this is like the Riker equivalent of Picard being all about Shakespeare. Like Patrick Stewart is an actual Shakespearean actor so the character of Picard is super into Shakespeare and there are tons of episodes where he gets to flex on dudes via The Bard. Does Jonathan Frakes legit play the trombone? Is this a character trait of Riker that he demanded be added before he took the role?

"This horny space commander character is pretty good, but I'll only sign on if I get to play my 'bone at least once a season!"

Whatever the case might be the bass player in the band tells him that the dame at the bar is eyeballing him pretty hard. Riker thanks the band for letting him sit in (they tell him not to quit his dayjob) and then goes over to talk to Minuet some more. He tells her that he has to get back to aimless walking around an empty spaceship but she asks him to dance with her before he goes.

Riker agrees and as they dance Minuet asks him why he allows his work to enthrall him. Riker tells her that his job is a dream come true but then starts talking about how he's falling in love with a computer program and starts making out with Minuet.

While Riker is playing Grab-Ass at the Pass with a computer program, Picard walks in. He apologizes for interrupting Riker getting it on with a computer program, but Riker's like, "Nah mang it ain't no thing!" he then introduces Minuet and Picard to one another.

Minuet starts Frenching it up at Picard who replies in kind. They invite Picard to join them and the three sit down for drinks. Minuet talks up how great a Captain is if Riker is such a good commander. Picard is impressed by her ability to French it up and how she's adapted to different situations.

Meanwhile in Data's lair Data is still painting when Wesley Crusher calls from the bridge and informs him that something appears to be amiss in engineering. Apparently the antimatter containment system is all kinds of fucked up. Since Data and Geordi are more inclined to listen to Wesley Crusher's bullshit, they go down to engineering to check things out.

Geordi and Data check shit out down in engineering and discover that the antimatter containment field is really fucked up and it's not just a computer glitch. If the containment field fails the entire ship will explode. They attempt to use the computer to locate Picard and/or Riker but the computer tells them that they can't find either dude. The computer's voice is a dude's voice here rather than the woman's voice it normally is which is either a botch, FORESHADOWING!!!!, or a previously unrevealed bit of information that the ship's computer, much like Siri on our telephones output voice can be changed. Mine? She's a sassy Australian lady for some reason.

Anyway, Data's like, "We gotta abandon ship and send this ship somewhere far away on autopilot so it doesn't wreck shop on the spacebase or any inhabited planets..." he then gets on the horn and declares, "This is Lieutenant Commander Data speaking for the captain. Abandon ship! This is not a drill! All personnel, this is not a drill. I say again, abandon ship! All personnel, this is not a drill. Abandon ship!"

Back from commercial break we get a pretty good scene of the crew and civilians evacuating from the Enterprise while a message instructing people where to go plays over the ship's PA. We see Wesley Crusher and some kids beam off the ship and people walking through the halls of the ship. ALRIGHT! GUY IN A SPACE DRESS CAMEO! I'm actually getting into this plot.

Over on the spacebase, Worf and Yar have finished their Parcheesi Squares game and see all the random people coming off the Enterprise and are like, "Woah WTF is going on?!" When they discover that the ship is about to meltdown, Yar has Worf get a security team together to do something...maybe corral the evacuees? I don't really know.

Back on the Enterprise, Data and Geordi are on the bridge setting up the ship's autopilot to haul ass to Lollapalooza. They check with the computer to see if everyone is off the ship and learn that they are the last two souls on the Enterprise. Data thinks this is weird since as Captain, Picard would generally be the last one off the ship, but they believe the computer and assume he must have evacuated with everyone else and beam over to the spacebase.

When they arrive they meet the rest of the main crew who are all like, "Yo, where the shit are Riker and Picard? Aren't they with you?"

Data wants to beam back onto the Enterprise, but there isn't time. The Enterprise backs out of the spacebase and turns around. Suddenly the computer informs everyone that the Enterprise's antimatter core is now completely unfucked up. Everyone looks like, "Oh shit we just got played!" as the Enterprise warp speeds away.

Back on the Enterprise, Picard and Riker are still working their way towards a three-way with a computer program on the holodeck, completely oblivious to the fact that the ship has been abandoned. Eventually though Picard gets cold feet about fucking a computer program with his subordinate and is like "Riker, she's all yours," and gets up to leave.

Minuet is suddenly like, "NO! YOU CAN'T LEAVE YET! YOU HAVE TO DANCE WITH ME!"

Picard tells her that he doesn't dance so Minuet tries to get him to drink more wine, but Picard is insistent that he must go. Minuet continues to try to keep him on the holodeck until Picard eventually gets fed up with her and tells the holodeck to reveal the exit.

The doors open and immediately Picard and Riker hear the red alert klaxons blaring. This seems like a pretty poor design choice for the holodeck. I mean wouldn't you want to hear alarms and shit if the ship was being attacked and you were randomly pretending to be playing in the 1986 World Series or fucking George Washington or whatever?

Picard tries to hail Data but he's not on the ship so Picard asks the computer what the fuck is going on. The computer informs them that there was a problem with the antimatter containment unit and the ship was evacuated but there is no longer any issue with the containment unit. Picard asks where they are currently headed and the computer informs them that they are on route to Binus, the Binar homeworld.

Picard cannot believe this shit and shouts, "Am I to understand that the Binars have stolen the Enterprise?!"

The computer replies, "That information is not available," and so Picard goes back to talk to Minuet to see if she might have some answers. She tells them that she was programmed by the Binars to distract Riker and that Picard showing up was just happenstance. They ask her is she knows what the Binars want with the ship, but she does not.

Back on the spacebase, Data is trying to determine what the nearest available Starfleet ship is that can get them back to the Enterprise. There is nothing nearby that they can use. Data then realizes that the Binars are missing and surmises that they are the ones responsible for what has happened. He concludes that they have stolen the ship and are bringing it to their homeworld, Binus and tells Slightly Taller Picard With a Goatee to send a ship to intercept the Enterprise there.

Meanwhile back on the Enterprise, Picard and Riker are walking down a hall like two men on a goddamn mission. Before going out to commercial break we see Picard and Riker go into the WEAPONS ROOM to gear up before taking the ship back from the goddamn Binars.

Back from break, Picard and Riker emerge from the WEAPONS ROOM with a couple of boring-ass phasers. I wanted them to come out with like battle axes strapped to their backs and double uzis and bullet straps across their chest and belt pouches and shit. Kind of a missed opportunity if you ask me.

Riker starts to head towards the bridge but Picard's like, "Nah mang we gotta go to engineering first."

Riker asks him why and Picard tells him so they can arm the self-destruct system. Riker at first is like, "WOAH MAN! THE SELF-DESTRUCT SYSTEM?! HAVE YOU LOST YOUR GODDAMN MIND?!"

Picard explains that since they don't know what the shit is going on they must not allow the ship to fall into hostile hands. Riker realizes Picard is right and they head to engineering where they activate the self-destruct sequence. They'll only have five minutes to eliminate the threat before the ship explodes. If they succeed they'll be able to stop the self-destruct sequence from the bridge of the ship. As they head out of engineering, Picard notices that there's a shit-ton of data that was downloaded onto the ship's computers.

The two space heroes then make their way to an elevator to attempt to access the bridge but find them blocked and unresponsive. They decide to instead attempt to teleport onto the bridge.

Meanwhile on the spacebase, Geordi tries (and fails) to contact the Enterprise. Worf declares that someone must have taken over the ship. Dude, didn't Data already reach that conclusion in the spacebase scene prior to this one?

Anyway Data blames himself for being lax in his duties and thus allowing the ship to get taken over. He should have been on the bridge rather than painting since he doesn't need to sleep or relax ever on account of being a robot. The rest of the crew is like, "Nah man this shit could have happened even if you'd been there."

Slightly Taller Riker With a Goatee then informs them that the USS Melbourne can rendezvous with the Enterprise but it's 18 hours from being ready to go.

Picard and Riker plan on the best way to beam onto the bridge. They ultimately decide to beam on separately with a ten second delay at different parts of the bridge to give themselves a slight advantage if they happen to encounter resistance on the bridge.

They then engage the teleportation machine and beam onto the bridge with their weapons ready, but they encounter no resistance. Instead they find the four Binars collapsed out in a heap on the floor. Two of them weakly ask for help before passing out.

COMMERCIAL BREAK!!!!

When we return from commercials, Picard and Riker deactivate the self-destruct mechanism and realize that they are now orbiting Binus. They try to contact the planet but get no response and scans reveal that none of the computers on the planet are operational. Picard and Riker assume that the entire population of Binus is probably also dying like the Binars in a heap on the Enterprise. They gotta do something and they gotta do it quick! They look back at the data that has been stored on the Enterprise's computer and determine that it was a information dump from Binus' central computer.

With no other leads to go on, they go back to the Holodeck and talk to Minuet. She tells them that the Binus system went supernova and the electromagnetic pulse was going to knock out the central computer and also inflict the entire population with fuck plague because we ALL know by now that this is one of the primary effects of an electromagnetic pulse from a supernova in the Star Trek Universe. She tells them that the Binars only hope was to backup the computer and they realized that the only mobile computer large enough to accomplish the task was the Enterprise.

Unfortunately, they were bad at math and because of miscalculations and the supernova happening earlier than they thought and the Enterprise arriving later than expected at the spacebase they were forced to resort to desperate measures. Rike and Picard must restore the central computer on Binus before it is too late, but unfortunately not even Minuet knows how to do so.

The two space heroes return to the bridge to try to figure shit out. Picard calls Data over on the spacebase and explains the situation. Data tells him that the Binars would have probably given the stored file a very simple name. He tells them that based on the Binars' way of thinking it's probably either an 8 or 16 character string of binary code.

Riker runs some numbers through the computer and finds a file titled 11001001. EPISODE TITLE ALL UP IN THIS MUG!! Unfortunately he is unable to open it. Picard is like, "Binars work together on shit, maybe we both have to access it it to open it."

This proves to be correct and the data begins to be transferred back to the computers on Binus. The central computer then reboots and the Binars on the ship wake back up. Picard asks them why they didn't just ask for help instead of stealing the Enterprise. They tell him that they were afraid asking for help because they might have been told, "no." There situation was too dire to risk taking such a gamble. Riker understands that since they think in binary there were only two options: yes or no.

The Binars then explain that they trapped Riker in the holodeck in case they died and needed someone to restore the computer for them. This is kind of a hole in the plot since mere minutes earlier it required two people to restore the computers and the only reason Picard was only on the holodeck by chance. You'd think that with such a desperate situation the Binars would have trapped two people in the event that they couldn't restore the computer themselves.

Anyway the Binars are like, "We'll take whatever punishment Starfleet wants to give us since we broke the law and shit."

Picard's like, "Well, no one died, so we'll let spacebase take care of that shit. Let's get back there posthaste." He then sits down in the driver's seat and tells Riker that he'll get them back to spacebase before blasting off to adventure.

Some time later, the Enterprise arrives back at spacebase and docks. The crew comes onto the ship and the hijacker Binars are led off. There will be a hearing, but no execution because executions are not a thing in the Next Generation.

Riker then excuses himself to go back to the holodeck in order to get busy with a computer program, but when he arrives there's a different woman there instead of Minuet. She's nowhere near as smoking hot or talkative. This bums Riker out hard and he heads back to the bridge to bemoan being in love with a computer program that no longer exists

Picard tells him that "some relationships just can't work," and Riker glumly says that it's going to be hard to forget Minuet. He would never mention her again...

How Rikered Was Riker?
My man spent the entire episode trying to fuck a video game character and then was super bummed when he couldn't. Dude was clearly off his goddamn gourd and not hiding it particularly well!

Final Thoughts
This was actually a pretty fun episode of season 1 Star Trek: The Next Generation. I love me a good evacuation scene in a movie or TV show and thought the one here was pretty well done. Also awesome? Riker and Picard going into the "WEAPONS ROOM" to gear up like a couple of goddamn action heroes. Unfortunately there was no fucking here, but if I'm watching a chaste-ass episode of this show I'd rather it be something like this than a bunch of shitty casual racism.

Fuck Count
Were it not for Picard I might have had to determine once and for all how I actually want to count fucking on the holodeck where one party was a hologram, but that did not come to pass and instead we were left with a pretty okay episode of Star Trek in which no one ended up fucking.

Total Fucks for Episode: 0
Total Fucks for Season: 6
Total Fucks for Series: 6

Slightly Taller Picard with a Goatee was also in two episodes of TOS, including playing a miner that Harry Mudd was trying to sell a sex slave to.

Actor, not character. He was also Izzy Mandelbaum Jr. on Seinfeld.

Star Trek: The Next Generation - S01E16 - Too Short a Season

It's time once again for another trek to the stars with your pals and mine, the crew of the USS Enterprise. For those of you just joining us here this is the Star Trek Fuck Report where we determine once and for all which member of the Enterprise fucked most frequently.

Preexisting Prejudices
This is another season one episode that I have absolutely know memory of based on the brief plot summary I saw.

Plot Synopsis
After Starfleet received a transmission from Governor Karnas of Mordan IV in which the governor explains that terrorists had taken the Federation ambassador hostage and requested a Federation negotiator, the Enterprise was dispatched to pick up Admiral Mark Jameson, the only person Karnas thought qualified to do the job.

Picard transmits this message to the aforementioned Admiral Mark Jameson who is a dude with some really terrible old man stage makeup. Picard explains the situation to Jameson and then wonders why Karnas couldn't solve this problem on his own since he had been the man to put an end to Mordan's 40 year civil war. No one knows, but Jameson had been the man that had put an end to a similar hostage situation on Mordan some 45 years earlier.

Anyway Jameson says that he and his wife would beam onto the Enterprise at 1500 hours and then ends transmission. Data informs Picard that it's nearly 1500 hours and so Picard and Riker go down to the teleportation room to meet Jameson. He teleports onto the ship in a Professor X wheelchair, accompanied by his wife, who I guess is named Anne or some shit.

Jameson tells Picard that while he (Picard) might be in charge of the ship, Starfleet has ruled that he is senior mission officer on any ship he is aboard and thus will be in charge of the away team and any missions they undertake. Riker seems steamed about this but Picard's like, "Okay whatever I guess."

Two minutes into this episode I already fucking hate Admiral Mark Jameson. That's got to be a record of some sort.

After we enjoy that good, good Star Trek: The Next Generation theme song, we check in on the bridge of the Enterprise. Admiral Asshole Jameson is here with the normal cast of characters. The distressed governor Karnas calls back and after talking shit at Jameson telling him, "I see time has not been too kind," explains the situation on Mordan.

Karnas says that the terrorists have demanded that the discussions take place on Mordan and refuse to speak to anyone other than a Federation negotiator. Jameson agrees to this and then hangs up on Karnas.

After the call ends Picard asks Troi if she sensed anything with Karnas. She tells him that she felt that Karnas was being honest but seemed to be holding something back. Jameson says that Karnas is a proud man and what Troi was sensing was an inability by him to admit failure in negotiating the release of the hostages.

Doctor Beverly Crusher then calls on the phone and tells Picard that she's ready to perform Jameson's medical exam. Jameson looks nervous and is like, "What the shit is she talking about?" They inform Jameson that it's standard procedure.

Before Jameson goes in for his checkup he goes to the ready room to debrief on the situation with the crew of the Enterprise. Riker is a bit perplexed by the situation and says, "What I don't understand sir, is how Karnas knew you were still... available."

Jameson cuts to the chase though and says what we're all thinking, "Still alive, you mean." Jameson then explains that he briefed the Federation ambassador to Mordan before he left and must of told Karnas that he was still kicking when they met. Data wonders what the terrorists could possibly want but no one has idea.

Later on in Jameson's quarters he suddenly gets out of his wheelchair and walks to a chair. His wife says that he looks better but he soon starts gasping for air and clutching his chest. She wants to call sickbay but he tells her not to. He says that it's happened before and will pass on its own.

Elsewhere Dr. Beverly Crusher meets with Picard. She tells him that the medical records Jameson had provided were not two days old as he claimed but rather two months old. She doesn't know why he lied about it. Picard's like, "The dude is old as fuck he probably just got confused."

Dr. Beverly Crusher tells him that Jameson suffers from Allen Iverson's Disease which wrecks shop on bodies but not on minds so there must be some other reason why Jameson was trying to pull a fast one with his medical records. Picard tells her that he wants her on the bridge until they finish this mission because he doesn't want that old fuck to go down before they save the hostages.

Later on the bridge Picard asks if Jameson wants to fly the spaceship for a bit. He says that he does and then proceeds to get out of his wheelchair and walking over to Geordi's station. Everyone is like, "DUDE WHAT THE HELL?!" to which Jameson replies that he had begun some new therapy before getting picked up and that it seemed to be working.

After a quick ad break during which 1980s companies hawked products and services we check back in with Dr. Beverly Crusher and Picard. She exclaims that there is no cure for Allen Iverson's Disease and it is not known to go into remission. Jameson has been confined to a wheelchair for four years and there's no reason why he should be able to walk around now.

Back in Jameson's quarters, the Admiral is watching the video of Karnas' call again in the dark when his wife comes back in. She says she doesn't know what else he can hope to glean from the "tape" since apparently in the Next Generation people have gone back to a tape based recording system.

Jameson stands up and walks over to his wife. She is ecstatic that he is strong and healthy again but then seems suspicious and tells him to, "Come over here."

Mark Jameson is horny as fuck and tells her, "I hope you're heading for the bedroom!"

She is not heading for the bedroom. Instead she brings over to a mirror and reveals that he looks twenty years younger. Jameson suddenly clutches his chest again only this time his wife calls the medics.

Later Dr. Beverly Crusher debriefs with Picard telling him that she's detected unknown chemicals in Jameson's bloodstream and that his DNA is all kinds of fucked up but there's no trace of the incurable Iverson's Disease. She doesn't know how it's possible but that's what is going on.

Some time later, Picard visits Jameson in his quarters and finds him now looking like a middle aged dude. Picard's all like, "Yo brah what the fuck is going on with you?" Jameson explains that he got some reverse aging treatment from a planet. Normally the natives don't want to share their treatment with outsiders but because Jameson helped them out with some kind of negotiations in the past they were willing to hook him up. He tells Picard that the treatment is super risky and takes a long time so even though he got enough medicine for he and his wife he took it first to make sure it was safe. He's then like, "But when you called me about this mission I chugged all the drugs for me and also all the drugs for my wife rather than take them as prescribed."

After Picard leaves, Jameson's wife, Anne, is pissed off at him for being self-centered and not thinking about her or what she wanted at all. She was happy that he was finally going to retire and they could tool around in an RV or whatever it is that old people do but now he's going to be a young man again and do young man shit. Jameson is like, "You can be young with me! I got medicine for you too," apparently forgetting the fact that he just said he chugged all the drugs he'd gotten for her too. Unimpressed by this, Anne storms off to another room. Jameson then leaves the quarters to go be an asshole to someone other than his wife.

Jameson goes to the observation lounge and has Data open a communication channel with Karnas. Picard's like, "Why do you want to talk to him?" and Jameson tells him that since Karnas previously attempted to negotiate with the terrorists and wants to see if there's any additional information he has. Picard then tells him that he should probably use a secure channel. Jameson is like, "Oh yeah. Data! Make it so!" Data looks at Picard in askance and Picard nods so Data opens a secure channel for Jameson.

With the secure channel open, Jameson asks Karnas who was responsible for taking the hostages. Karnas claims that its political opponents. Jameson offers up a couple of names but Karnas says that they're all long dead but that Jameson is coming back it's as if the last 45 years never happened.

Jameson says that he knows that Karnas never forgave him and then realizes that there are no terrorists...it's Karnas who has the hostages! Karnas then tells him that the cost for their release is going to be very high for Jameson.

Jameson goes back out to the bridge and tells Picard to crank that shit up to warp 8 and haul ass to Mordan so they arrive before the ETA and then can catch Karnas off guard. Picard's like, "WTF dude aren't we going there to help him?"

Before heading out to commercial break, Jameson explains that Karnas is the one with the hostages and negotiations are no longer on the table. The only way to save the hostages is an armed rescue mission that he's going lead.

Back from commercials, Jameson explains that the main city of Mordan was razed during the civil war but there's a maze of tunnels beneath it that were simply built over when they rebuilt the city post-war. He is certain that Karnas is keeping the hostages there just like he did 45 years ago. The crew of the Enterprise is like, "Why would he he do that?"

Jameson tells them that while Karnas is a skilled tactician he is not a genius and would unlikely attempt to attempt to dream up a new plan when he had one that worked so well before. He then tells them that the only option is an armed raid. Picard is not so sure and thinks that the Federation might have different ideas but Jameson pulls rank and said he's the one who is in charge of the mission.

Meanwhile in Dr. Beverly Crusher's office she and Troi are talking to Anne about what's going on with her husband. She is upset about what Mark did and doesn't understand it. Troi tries to calm her down and then Dr. Beverly Crusher that tells her that Mark is not stabilizing and he is in grave danger.

Picard goes into the conference room where Jameson is sitting alone drinking in the darkness. His face is obscured which probably means he has gotten even younger looking. He turns around to reveal this to be true. He is now a man in his thirties.

Picard is of the mind that Jameson is hiding something and asks him why this mission is so important to him. Jameson tells Picard the story of how 45 years ago, after a rival warlord killed Karnas' father, Karnas took the passengers of a starliner hostage and demanded weapons from Starfleet in exchange for the lives of the hostages so he could get revenge on the man who murdered his father. Two other hostage negotiators were sent to bargain with Karnas. Two hostage negotiators died. Jameson was the third man to go in and he was able to free the hostages. Picard acknowledges that that is the account as he had heard it.

Jameson then tells Picard what really happened on Mordan. The reality was he gave Karnas the weapons he was after in order to get the hostages released. He then got around the Prime Directive rules (in his mind) by giving the same exact weapons to Karnas' rivals and in doing so plunged Mordan into a 40 year civil war rather than the brief conflict he assumed would arise. Picard cannot believe this shit. Jameson tells Picard that he wants to make things right after messing up so badly the first time and knows that Karnas has arranged the entire crisis in order to get revenge on him.

A short time later the away team heads to the teleportation room to beam down onto the planet. Jameson is still being a dick about leading the away team so Picard is like, "I'm the captain of this ship so I'm going to add myself to the away team as is my right as captain." He then tells Riker that he's in charge of the ship until he gets back.

The crew of Jameson, Picard, Data, Worf, Geordi, and Yar beam down to the tunnels beneath Mordan and begin moving through them looking for hostages. Data tries to tell Jameson that the tunnels have changed in the last 45 years and that there did not appear to be any sign of life in them. Jameson, however, insists that he knows better than recent maps and a robot that knows everything and so the crew follows him.

Data tells everyone that Jameson is leading them to a dead end, which proves correct when they arrive in a room with a wall that was built a couple years earlier. Yar is like, "You know, we could have just beamed to the coordinates you thought the hostages were being stashed at," but Jameson's like, "Nah a pointless trek though some underground tunnels is good for the soul...now laser that wall open so we can keep wandering aimlessly about."

Yar and Worf laser a hole in the wall and then everyone climbs through only to find some laser gun troopers waiting for them. A laser battle erupts and the crew take cover behind some space 55 gallon drums.

As the lasers laze past them, Data helpfully explains to Picard, "They're phasers, sir. Set on kill."

Picard, does not find Data's helpful commentary all that helpful and sarcastically tells him, "Thank you, Mr. Data. I have heard the sound before!"

Worf knocks Jameson out of the line of fire and saves him from getting wrecked by a red laser. Jameson then stands up to fire back at the laser gun trooper but suddenly clutches his chest and collapses on the ground. The rest of the crew don't know if he's been shot or what but Picard, seeing that they are outgunned has the Enterprise beam them back aboard.

Back on the Enterprise, Picard returns to the bridge. Riker asks after Jameson and Picard replies, "Sickbay. 'Not good' is a galactic understatement."

Karnas calls them on the spacephone and is pissed off about the gunfight in the tunnels beneath the city. "Classic Jameson move!" he grumbles before demanding that Jameson be handed over to him. Picard tells Karnas that Jameson is really sick but Karnas gives zero fucks and tells Picard that he has 10 minutes to beams Jameson down to the planet before he starts killing hostages.

Picard goes down to the sickbay to check on Jameson and finds the Admiral all kinds of fucked up. Jameson, however, wants to go back down to try and make things right by saving the hostages. Picard tells him that he's in no shape to go but then Riker calls Picard and informs him that Karnas called back and said that the clock was still ticking and they had five minutes before he killed the first hostage in a "most painful" fashion and then would continue executing hostages at a rate of one hostage every fifteen minutes. Picard, realizing that there are no other options, relents and allows Jameson to beam down to the planet even though he knows that chances are Jameson will get murdered by Karnas.

Picard, Dr. Beverly Crusher and Admiral Asshole Jameson beam down into Karnas' office and Karnas is all like, "WTF is this shit?!" Picard explains that the young man with him is, in fact, Jameson, but Karnas does not believe it for a second. Cue dramatic music sting as we head to commercial break.

Back from commercials, Karnas does not believe that Jameson is who Picard says he is and demands that the real Jameson be beamed down or he's going to start murdering hostages. Jameson attempt to convince Karnas that he is really who he claims to be, calling Karnas by his old title, but Karnas still thinks it's a bunch of shenanigans.

Jameson then collapses in a heap and Picard explains to Karnas that Jameson took an age reversing drug and that's why he's a young man now. Karnas doesn't give a shit though and blames Jameson for the war and destruction that has ravaged Mordan.

Things are looking pretty grim for Jameson, so Picard has his wife beam down. She arrives and Picard then shows Karnas a series of pictures of Jameson's deaging to attempt to convince him that they are telling the truth about Jameson. Picard then gets on his soapbox and chews on Karnas for not taking any of the responsibility for the 40 year civil war that went down on his planet, telling him that while Jameson fucked up by giving everyone laser guns Karnas could have put an end to the hostilities at any point in the 40 years that followed. He then says that Jameson brought himself to Mordan to atone for his past mistakes.

Jameson, though at death's door, tries again to convince Karnas that he is who he says he is. He drops some information that only he and Karnas would have known but Karnas is still doubtful, saying that the real Mark Jameson could have told this young man that information. He then demands to be shown a scar.

Mark Jameson rolls up his sleeve, revealing a gnarly scar and declaring, "There! The blood cut you gave me to seal our bargain!"

Karnas is satisfied with this proof and grabs a laser gun off the wall (apparently one of the very guns that Jameson provided Karnas with 45 years earlier). He points it at Jameson, ready to blow him away, but then decides that letting him live in constant pain due to being anti-aging medicine dope-sick would be a far better form of revenge.

Anne kneels down beside her dying husband to quote the Bodyguard Soundtrack at him by telling him, "And IIIIIIIIIIII e IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII e IIIIIIIIII will always love you!" Jameson then macks it to his old wife one final time before dying of young age. Satisfied with the death of Jameson, Karnas tells Picard that he'll release the hostages immediately and will be cooperative.

Back on the Enterprise, Picard dumps some concluding plot on Riker, explaining that Jameson is going to be buried on Mordan at the request of Mrs. Jameson and the consent of Karnas. Picard and Riker then chat about how dumb the quest for eternal youth is and how there's something to be said for age and wisdom. Picard then tells Geordi to haul ass to Isis III, which is a planet name that probably would not be allowed in these our modern times.

How Rikered Was Riker?
Dude was barely in the episode so who the fuck knows?

Final Thoughts
This episode fucking sucked so bad. To start with something I rarely talk about in these reports (the behind the scenes production aspect of the show) the wheelchair that Jameson used for all of about three minutes of on screen footage cost $10,000 of 1987 money which seems like a tremendous waste of money. Generally I don't care about such things, but when every single set in the show looks super cheap $10,000 on a prop that's probably going to get used this one time is not money well spent.

Money that was well spent? Bringing in formerly blacklisted actress Marsha Hunt for her first acting gig since the inspiration for Metallica's music video for One, 1971's Johnny Got His Gun. Marsha Hunt is a real good egg and as of writing this still alive (at 101 years old) which kind of rules. Unfortunately she doesn't really have all that much to do here since this episode was entirely the Spaceventures of Mark Jameson. Her actual life story is 90,000 bajillion times more interesting that this episode.

Now speaking of this episode...there have been other bad season one episodes of The Next Generation, but at least they centered on the main characters of the show doing things. Here, the main character of the adventure was Jameson. If he hadn't died in the end I would have assumed this to be a backdoor pilot for some kind of Spaceventures of Jameson spinoff show. Now if Jameson had been a compelling character or even a moderately likable one, or one played by a competent actor this episode might have worked, but none of those things were true and on top of all that his old man makeup made him look like a puppet out of that creep-ass Genesis "Land of Confusion" music video. To compound all these myriad problems not one person fucked in this episode. FAIL!

I guess if I'm looking for a bright side to this dumpster fire of an episode it was that Wesley Crusher was nowhere to be seen.

Fuck Count
While there was some horniness, Mark Jameson having a heart-attack prevented us from seeing that The Man Without a Face lookin' motherfucker take an extra from the Golden Girls on an all expense paid trip to the bone zone.

Total Fucks for Episode: 0
Total Fucks for Season: 6
Total Fucks for Series: 6

Star Trek: The Next Generation - S01E17 - When the Bough Breaks

Here we go again kids! It's time for yet another season one episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation. Today we're looking at When the Bough Breaks, an episode that first aired way back on February 15, 1988. The little plot blurb I'm looking at here tells me that Escaped Convict Wesley Crusher has to protect a group of kidnapped children while Picard works to free them. This does not instill a great deal of confidence that this episode is going to be any good.

Preexisting Prejudices
This seems to be a Wesley Crusher heavy episode which means I'll probably hate it a lot more than I did when I saw it as a small child. Based on the one sentence plot synopsis I saw ahead of watching this episode I'm pretty sure there's going to be zero fucking.

Plot Synopsis
While attempting to evade capture by his calculus loving father, some random-ass small child runs smack into Riker who is making his way to the bridge after being summoned by Picard. The child and his father are apologetic but Riker is not particularly bothered by the kid that ran into him. As the boy's father leads him away the child bemoans the fact that he has to learn calculus when he just wants to do art or some shit.

On the bridge, Picard tells Riker that he wanted him on the bridge because they've been tracking something that Riker might be interested in...namely the planet Aldea. No one except Riker knows what the fuck Aldea is, so he dumps some plot on us. To make a long story short, it's basically Atlantis but a planet. The citizens were a technologically advance people who then vanished. Unlike Atlantis though, the planet of Aldea apparently used some kind of technology to cloak their planet from hostile marauders.

The Enterprise has been tracking some energy readings to an area that is seemingly just a empty chunk of space. Troi, however, senses a bunch of minds somewhere nearby and a planet suddenly appears in front of them. Oh snap! It's totally that random-ass planet Riker is all about!

After taking in that good, good Star Trek opening theme song we return to the bridge of the Enterprise where a woman appears on their big-ass TV phone and introduces herself as Rachelle. She welcomes them to Atlantis But a Planet and says that they wish to talk to them. Picard's all like, "Cool mang we'll set up a meeting then!" but before Picard can get the words out of his mouth she shows up on the bridge with some dude.

Everyone is taken aback by their sudden appearance and Dr. Beverly Crusher's like, "OH FUCK THEY DIDN'T GET DECONTAMINATED BY GETTING BEAMED UP NORMALLY!!!"

Rachelle gives Picard some flowers as a gift while the dude introduces himself as Rad-Doo and tells her that because of the planetary shield the Enterprise's teleporters wouldn't work properly. They invite the crew of the Enterprise to visit their planet to discuss something of great importance. The crew of the Enterprise agree and as the people of Atlantis But a Planet are bothered by bright lights they then beam back to their planet. A moment later Commander Riker, Troi and Dr. Beverly Crusher are beamed off the bridge. Picard notes that this is an interesting trio to select. He's talking about threeways~!

On Atlantis But a Planet, the locals welcome the trio of Enterprisers. Rad-Doo quickly explains why they've revealed themselves to the Enterprise: they want to trade some technology for some of the children that the Enterprise has. Riker and Dr. Beverly Crusher freak the fuck out about this while Troi calmly explains that humans are very attached to their children before telling them that maybe some other races would be willing to take them up on their offer.

Rad-Doo explains that the people of Atlantis But a Planet are sterile and are dying out. They need children to repopulate their planet and carry on their way of life. Riker's like, "Sorry to hear that brah but no dice."

Rad-Doo then is like, "I guess we don't have anything to talk about then," and promptly beams the trio back to the Enterprise.

Back on the Enterprise, some weird beam suddenly scans everyone, seeming to zero in on Wesley Crusher and other random-ass kids in other parts of the ship. Data reaches out to help Wesley as he's getting zapped by the weird beam but Picard shouts, "DON'T TOUCH HIM!" apparently pleased to see Wesley Crusher in discomfort...or because pulling him out of the beam might injure him more. It's not entirely clear.

Suddenly, much to the dismay of Dr. Beverly Crusher, Wesley gets beamed away by Atlantis But a Planet's teleporter. The same shit happens to some other random-ass kids on the Enterprise including that kid that hated calculus and ran into Riker in an effort to escape it.

After a quick commercial break, a furious Captain Picard phones up Rad-Doo and is like, "YO MAN WHAT THE FUCK?! YOU STOLE OUR CHILDREN!"

Rad-Doo replies that the people of Atlantis But a Planet will take real good care of the children and wish to compensate the Enterprise for the kids they took but this just pissed off Picard even more and he spits some hot fire at Rad-Doo screaming like a madman, "YOU'VE STOLEN OUR CHILDREN AWAY FROM THEIR CLASSROOMS! AWAY FROM THEIR BEDROOMS! AND YOU TALK ABOUT COMPENSATION?! YOU CLAIM TO BE A CIVILIZED RACE AND YET FOR SOME REASON YOU HAVE JUST COMMITTED AN ACT OF UTTER BARBARITY!!!"

Rad-Doo pulls that scumbag dude thing where he does something to piss someone off who then yells at him and then he's like, "We'll talk about this once you've calmed down." No motherfucker my mang Picard's fuming because of you. You don't get to hang up on him like a douchelord!

Picard and Troi then have a meeting with the parents of the children that got kidnapped in the conference room to explain what has happened. He vows to do everything he can to get their children back and tells them that he will have Dr. Beverly Crusher with him to represent them the next time that douchelord Rad-Doo calls up.

Meanwhile down on Atlantis But a Planet, Wesley and the other children arrive and meet the units who they will be living with. Units are basically families that are based around a tradeskill or talent rather than blood relations. For example if you are an eight year old girl that's good at music you get to live in the Music Unit with the creepy old dude who is also good at music.

The kids are all paired off with the appropriate units. The kid who crashed into Riker in the cold open is apparently named Harry. He gets sent to live with some artists who give him a laser to do woodcarving with. Some small girlchild is supposed to go live with some random unit but Rochelle is like, "FUCK THAT! THIS GIRLCHILD IS CUTE AS FUCK! I'M KEEPING HER FOR MYSELF!" This is probably foreshadowing for some shit.

Wesley, meanwhile, is like, "Where's the Good At Everything Boy Genius Unit for me to go live in?"

Rad-Doo is like, "We don't got that but we do have the leadership unit which is where you are going because you're a leader of men (aka children) Wesley!" He then tasks Wesley with helping the others adjust to their new circumstances because they don't have any choice.

Back on the Enterprise, Riker tells Picard that Data has discovered some random fluctuations in the shield that surrounds Atlantis But a Planet. He is of the mind that they could possibly teleport onto the planet via those fluctuation and then voices shock that the people of Atlantis But a Planet haven't managed to perfect their shielding technology in the ages that have passed since creating it.

Riker explains that they'd have to time it just right to be able to teleport through the hole in the shield and there's no guarantee it would work. Data says that it would be safer to attempt to crack the code the residents of use to teleport, but says that there are a near infinite number of possibilities and needs time to work through them.

As Data crunches infinite numbers, Riker and Geordi are ordered by Picard to figure out a way to teleport through the hole in the shield so that an away team can beam down and disable the shields after locating the power source. Picard knows that he has to continue to string the residents of Atlantis But a Planet along because if they find out that the Enterprise isn't going to give up their children Atlantis But a Planet will turn on their cloaking device again and the Enterprise will have lost any chance of possibly getting those kids back...except the two that they were just talking about for the last five minutes but cue up the dramatic pre-commercial music anyway music director!

Back from products and services we check in with Wesley Crusher on Atlantis But a Planet. His leadership unit I guess consists of some grandma named Doo-Anna. She brings him to see the Custodian which is some sort of supercomputer that runs Atlantis But a Planet.

She helps him register with the Custodian and then Wesley asks her a shit ton of questions about the Custodian. He wants to know where it came from and who fixes it when it breaks but she tells him to ask Custodian. Wesley asks the Custodian what the other kids from the Enterprise are up to and the computer shows him. He then asks Doo-Anna what is behind some random door but she doesn't know.

Meanwhile Picard and Dr. Beverly Crusher teleport back down to the planet to negotiate their payment for the kids. They want the kids back but Rad-Doo and his people are like, "Nah you can just make some more."

Picard tells Rad-Doo that human parents are fuckin' berserkers when it comes to protecting their kids and would be willing to die to protect their children. Dr. Beverly Crusher asks them what if the same thing happens to the children and they become infertile too. They tell her that their condition is a genetic one, not a contagious one.

Picard tells them that he sympathizes with them and is certain that they will come up with a solution that is satisfactory to both sides, but Rad-Doo is like, "What do you mean? We are giving you all kinds of advanced technology for a couple of dumb-ass kids. What more could you possible want?" Picard convinces him to allow Dr. Beverly Crusher see her son.

Dr. Beverly Crusher visits Wesley who helps his mom do a horribly obvious covert medical scan on his new fake mom, Doo-Anna. She then returns to Picard and tells him that her son and the others are okay. Rad-Doo tells them that they now have their final offer and sends them back to their ship to think it over.

Back on the Enterprise, Rad-Doo calls them right away and tells them that he's going to give them a display of their might so they know that there's no further use in attempting to bargain with them. He then blasts the ship with some kind of blast sending it careening hilariously though space. Ten seconds later they are apparently three days from Atlantis But a Planet if they were to travel at Warp 9. Rad-Doo then tells them that that was just a small taste of their power and that if they try any funny shit he can easily push the Enterprise so far away that by the time they got back their children would be grandparents.

Back from commercials we find the Enterprise steaming back towards Atlantis But a Planet. Dr. Beverly Crusher tells Picard that she's studied the scan they took of Doo-Anna and has determined that she is dying. She and everyone else on the planet seem to be suffering from some sort of chromosomal damage but doesn't know if it's a genetic condition or caused by something in the environment.

Down on Atlantis But a Planet, the kids of the Enterprise are beginning to get antsy about being away from their parents except for the kid who ran into Riker in the cold open. He's having the time of his life carving dolphins out of wood with some kind of laser thing. His new parents though don't know what a dolphin is and have never seen fish before. Even he starts to miss his marine biologist dad a little bit.

At dinner with Rad-Doo and Doo-Anna, Wesley's like, "I'm not fucking eating and none of us are going to do what you tell us to do. We're going to huff gas and listen to heavy metal and only have anal sex so we'll never get pregnant." He then concluded by declaring, "YOU'RE NOT MY REAL DAD!"

That night, Wesley uses Custodian to find the other children. He teleports them all to some house and tells them that they're going to do some passive resistance shit and refuse to eat or answer and of their kidnappers' questions. He reasons that they'll get so fed up with these terrible human children that they'll have no choice but to send them back to the Enterprise.

The other kids worry that the residents of Atlantis But a Planet will whup them for being sassy but Wesley is certain that no harm will befall them since they are needed by the people of Atlantis But a Planet.

Some kids argue that their kidnappers aren't so terrible and Wesley admits that that's true but they all want to go home to their real parents so they all have to stick together or their hunger strike won't work. Rachelle then walks in and sees them all sitting at her kitchen table.

Three days later, the Enterprise has returned to Atlantis But a Planet. Dr. Beverly Crusher tells Picard that the people of Atlantis But a Planet "are suffering from a form of radiation poisoning." Picard asks her "Is that what made them sterile?" She says that it might be since it also explains why they have no appetite and are sensitive to light.

Picard asks Data how long it will take to finish crunching the numbers and decoding the teleportation beam that Atlantis But a Planet uses. Data tells him he's still going to need about a week but Geordi's like, "Yo Cap'n we can totally teleport through the holes in the shield if we time that shit just right."

Rad-Doo calls back and is going to beam Picard and Dr. Beverly Crusher back down to the planet to continue their negotiations. Riker and Data go down to the teleportation team and after Rad-Doo beams Picard and Dr. Beverly Crusher Worf yells down to Riker and Data, "NOW!" and they teleport down to some random hallway.

Riker and Data then set out to locate the computer. The successfully find it and Riker asks Data if he can shut it down. He says that he can't, but he can disable it. So he does that.

Rad-Doo meets with Picard and Dr. Beverly Crusher. Rad-Doo tells Picard that before he's willing to negotiate the terms of payment for the children he wants Picard to go tell the children to end their strike. Picard beams over to the room the kids are in and talks to them about what's going on. Wesley tells him that he's seen their computer and knows how to use it a little bit but it's very different from anything he's seen before.

Picard gives him an "'atta boy" and then returns to Rad-Doo with all the children. Rad-Doo is like, "Yo man what the F?" and Picard tells him that they're going to take the kids back because they don't want to stay there.

Dr. Beverly Crusher then tells Rad-Doo what has happened to their planet was the same thing that happened to Earth in the 21st Century and that their cloaking device fucked up their ozone layer leading to their sterility. She tells them that eventually the radiation will effect the children in the same way.

Rad-Doo doesn't want to believe her but Rachelle has seen the light and says, "Instead of the children being our hope, what if we're just condemning them to our fate?"

Rad-Doo tells her, "Rashella, they're just protecting their own interests."

Rachelle interjects, "As are we. But hear them out. The Captain and Doctor Crusher are saying that the very thing which has given us this wonderful world is what has caused this tragedy."

Picard adds, "That's it. Exactly. Your Custodian has controlled you so completely you've lost even the desire to even question it."

Rad-Doo is like, "Fuck this shit," and tries to beam Picard and Dr. Beverly Crusher away, only to learn that Data and Riker have disabled the Custodian. Picard then tells the Enterprise to beam the kids up but Harry is like, "Hold up Captain Picard!" Picard relents to a small child and tells the Enterprise to hold up while Harry thanks his kidnapper for teaching him about art and shit. The dude asks Harry if he wants his dolphin statue back but Harry tells him to keep it.

The kids are then beamed away and Rad-Doo is like, "You've fucked us!" but Picard's like, "No way bro! We're going to save your asses!"

Rad-Doo and his peoples accompany the crew of the Enterprise into the mysterious room and discover a big-ass thing that Data says is the power source. This big-ass thing is actually a small-ass thing made out of model car parts. I learned all about it on an episode of Reading Rainbow when I was 8 years old or something.

Anyway, Rad-Doo says that they are going to have to learn how to use the power source safely and look after themselves without using the Custodian. Picard offers to assist them and Rad-Doo gladly accepts. The crew of the Enterprise then restores the ozone layer of Atlantis But a Planet but they can never use their cloak or shield again if they want to maintain it.

Back on the Enterprise, Harry tells his dad that he wants to be an artist and doesn't want to take calculus anymore. His dad tells him that he can be whatever he wants, "but you still have to take calculus." Harry is pleased by this deal and tells him, "Okay. Thanks, Dad!"

On the bridge, Dr. Beverly Crusher tells Picard that the population of Atlantis But a Planet is responding well to their treatment for radiation poisoning and will regain the ability to fuck in time provided they never turn their cloaking device or shield thing back on. Picard waxes philosophic and says, "The legend will die but the people will live."

Wesley shows up on the bridge with that small girlchild that got kidnapped. Picard's like, "Yo WTF?" and Wesley tells Picard that Alexandra wanted to thank him. She gives him some flowers and Picard gives her an awkward hug and her weird stuffed toy gets stuck to his back to close out the show.

How Rikered Was Riker?
I don't know if Riker was drunk at all in this one. Had Riker been completely hammered when Rad-Doo offered to buy those kids I think Riker would have been cool with it, but instead he freaked the fuck out like any sober individual would have.

Final Thoughts
I actually didn't hate this episode all that much. The thing I worried most about (that this would be yet another Wesley Crusher Boy Genius saving the day episode) proved to be unwarranted as Wesley Crusher was about as much of a hero as a dopey teenager in that situation would have been. He didn't really do all that much save for comfort the younger kids and plan a hunger strike. The true hero of the show were a furious Captain Picard which might be the best version of Captain Picard that there is. Also seeing him have to uncomfortably deal with small children is a delight.

The downside, of course, was the fact that this is the Star Trek Fuck Report and there was absolutely no boning in this episode. In fact the central conceit of the episode was that the people of Atlantis But a Planet couldn't successfully fuck.

Fuck Count
As mentioned in the Final Thoughts, this episode was about a race of aliens who couldn't successfully fuck and thus there was no fucking or horniness in this episode to speak of. Riker should have offered to fuck everyone on Atlantis But a Planet to help them repopulate the world when they asked to buy the Enterprise's children. The fact that this thought never crossed his mind is yet another reason I think our man Riker was sober this time around.

Total Fucks for Episode: 0
Total Fucks for Season: 6
Total Fucks for Series: 6

Yea, I think it's pretty clear they were aiming for some sort of Lost In Space, gather the family around for Star Trek vibe that just didn't really stick.

Yea, it's unnecessary.  Who as a kid watched TNG and wanted to be Wes?  You wanted to grow up to be Riker or Geordi or whatever.

I'll go far as to say that later season Wes (at least until they bring back the fucking Traveler) is basically fine.  First Duty.  The Evil Google Glass Episode with Ashley Judd.  Those are solid Wes-centric episodes.  He probably would have worked fine as a recurring character instead of main cast.

That was why season 1 was so gung ho on Wesley? Jesus shit.