opp's D&D game - Welcome to Faeleth!

1a - The Unlucky Convoy

Party


It was a beautiful day on Merchant's Road. The convoy bustled with activity as merchants examined the goods and riches they had traded for in their time at the Great Crossroads. The sun shined, the river burbled, birds sang. None knew the horrors that would be immediately unleashed.

DM: I'm going to give you a quick roleplaying challenge to introduce you to the mechanics.

There was a terrible crashing sound followed by screaming! A bridge ahead of the convoy had collapsed, sending a dwarf and his wagon crashing into the rapids below. His mules had already freed themselves but the dwarf was clearly stuck. Dramatic, but surely not too much of a challenge for our valiant heroes.

Tom waded into the river, while Heremya leaped the river on her horse largely because she could (and also the dwarf was closer to the other side). Prudence, however…

Prudence: I wade across the river with Tom. *rolls low*
DM: You immediately lose your footing in the fast-moving river, hit your head against a rock, and start drowning.

With Jopos's help Prudence was able to flop out of the river and contemplate her mortality. Tom and Heremya reached the dwarf but his leg was stuck under the wagon. To make things worse, Tom noticed the stealthy approach of a crocodile.

Tom: I left my halberd on shore, so I guess I wrestle the crocodile? *rolls low*
DM: Okay, you're in the crocodile's mouth. Roll to escape.
Tom: *rolls low again*
DM: You are restrained and the crocodile is now swimming away with its new meal.

Tom would like us to note that he was trying to distract the crocodile from the helpless dwarf, and in that he was very successful. Good work Tom.

Jopos bounded across the river with the help of some conveniently located rocks and he and Heremya rescued the dwarf. Tom however was still in the mouth of an escaping crocodile.

Heremya: I call Loralei and grab the reins as she runs past. Then I vault onto her back and we chase after the crocodile. And it looks awesome. *rolls medium-low*
DM: You still grab the reins I guess but you are dragged behind the horse.

Battered and nearly beaten by a river, our heroes rallied. Tom fought his way out of the crocodile's mouth while Heremya freed herself from the reins and Prudence drew her bow. Together they were able to barely kill a crocodile. And Jopos had healed the dwarf's wounds, so successful encounter! Barely.

Jopos noticed something strange. The foundations of the bridge had been crudely hacked away, undeniably sabotage. Luckily there was one other path the convoy could take with the bridge out - Walnut Pass, a winding path along a nearby forest that was absolutely definitely not a trap. No sir.

But hey, free walnuts.

Our heroes had their first chance to meet each other after that and exchanged backstories - Tom was hired onto the caravan as a guard, Heremya 'volunteered her services' as 'a mighty and full-blooded elven hero' and Jopos was there to 'gain heroic inspiration' by 'serving as her noble herald', and Prudence was travelling with a merchant friend of her father's she knew as her uncle. All equally sincere and honest answers.

After a deep and meaningful conversation all round, our heroes rested and prepared for whatever they would face tomorrow.

The next day begins with everyone getting solo social encounters. Heremya and Jopos faced mortal social peril as a caravan-hand told people they had seen Heremya be dragged behind a horse. Using their combined impressive Charisma scores, Heremya and Jopos convinced the convoy that such a thing never happened. As for the snitch, Jopos was able to 'find' a valuable good and have Heremya 'discover' it on the his person. Snitches get framed for theft, apparently.

DM: Are you sure you're Chaotic Good?

An attractive young lady in the caravan had heard tales of the river heroics and the man who had bravely distracted a crocodile. She sidled up to Tom and struck up a conversation about his long and powerful halberd. Sadly, Tom badly fumbled his Insight check. He assured her that not only did he not need help 'polishing his halberd', he was insulted by the suggestion that he did not properly maintain his halberd. In fact he had been up late last night polishing his halberd until he could see his face reflecting in it. She no longer wanted to polish his halberd after this.

Prudence visited other caravans in the convoy, trying to network with the various merchants. She was ignored twice, kicked out of a caravan once, and propositioned by a dwarven merchant who said he was into 'big girls' once. So, about as well as networking usually goes.

The convoy came to a stop as a log blocked the road. Yup, it's happening.

DM: "HALT!" *in a funny voice*

Three armed dwarves emerged from the cover of the forest. The leader, wielding an impressively outsized longbow, greeted the travellers. They were simply a local non-profit known as the Black Hand Band. The Black Hand Band were in charge of the preservation of Walnut Pass, and they would need to charge a reasonable toll per caravan to cover the costs of maintaining and guarding the road. It's all very reasonable.

Still with her uncle's caravan, Prudence was able to spot two more dwarves sneaking out of the underbrush dressed in peasant clothing. With the distraction they stealthily approached one of the rear caravans. Prudence was an adept sneak herself and managed to get a dagger to one of their throats before anyone noticed her. The other dwarf realised they were caught and immediately went to help his friend- nope he's running away.

As word spread of the attempted robbery eyes turned to the Black Hand Band. Everyone drew their weapons, the leader trying to explain that he's sure they could work things out- nope he quickly fired an arrow that plinked off of Heremya's armour.

This fight actually went really well for our heroes. Two mooks had already been subdued or chased away by Prudence, leaving two more mooks and longbow guy. Tom immediately disarmed and defeated one of the mooks, while Jorpos put both mooks to sleep with a Sleep spell. (It's canon that in our universe the sleep spell works by putting an enchanted sleep mask on the victim.)

Only the leader remained. He bounced another arrow off Heremya's armour, realised he was alone, and tried to run away. Unfortunately for him Heremya had a horse. So he did what must have seemed like the smart thing and… well, he tried to kill Heremya's horse.

Heremya: "YOU'RE DEAD! I'M GOING TO KILL YOU NOW! YOU'RE A DEAD DWARF!"
DM: Are you sure you're Lawful Good?

Of the five dwarves that attacked the party, three were subdued, one escaped, and one was viciously impaled on a lance by the Lawful Good Paladin. We're great at roleplaying.

Now it was time for an interrogation. Heremya tried intimidation, Jorpos tried another spell, Tom tried asking politely. But one grizzled veteran of sturdy will and lucky rolls kept the group from talking. Now it's Prudence's turn to try and break them.

Prudence: I slit the tough guy's throat while staring straight into the eyes of the other two. Do they talk?
DM: Oh my God.
Prudence: Do. They. Talk.
DM: Um yeah they tell you everything. Are you sure you're Lawful- forget it.

Apparently the Black Hand Band, who are actually a bandit group, was running short on mounts so these losers were tasked with 'finding' some. They were hoping to rob a smaller group, but longbow guy, who was apparently the second cousin twice removed of the leader of the Black Hand Band, insisted they could take the convoy. And now there would definitely be retribution.

DM: "We just wanted some horses, you psychopaths!"
Prudence: If that's everything they know I execute the prisoners.
DM: Um… explain this in a way that isn't Evil?
Prudence: They're violent brigands who act outside any jurisdiction that could reasonably prosecute them and we have no way of stopping them from trying to hurt other people or us. Bentham has my back on this.
DM: I don't know if you have a solid grasp on playing Good-aligned characters. There's usually less framing and murder.

The Nut Party (don't worry, the name changes every week) had successfully foiled the ambush in an unexpectedly bloodthirsty way. Everyone reached level 2, the convoy continued travelling towards its destination, but Prudence's parents would be informed that she murdered three people in cold blood today.

Prudence: "At least one of my parents is going to be totally fine with that."

I'm Prudence, the homicidal hall-monitor herself. The killing one guy to get the others to talk was a bit much, but I stand by the general principle of her actions there. What are you going to do, take the captives on a two day trek to the nearest town (guarded in the meantime by merchants and rent-a-cops) and hope they take your word that these guys are bandits?

I definitely rolled a 1 for crossing the river, I think Tom rolled very low but not a 1 for grappling and then trying to escape a crocodile. Heremya rolled average but declared such an ambitious action that partial success was getting where she needs to go but in a much more humiliating manner than planned. You can tell Jopos is the only person who's played D&D before by the way she hangs back and watches all of us catastrophically fail before chiming with a broken spell or Help action.

Good heavens, the paladin already levels up to take the Oath of Conquest subclass - "The Oath of Conquest calls to paladins who seek glory in battle and the subjugation of their enemies." The last thing we need is her getting ideas.

The DM has a point that three of the four of us were being a bit generous when we wrote down Good.

1c - The Gobliniest Royal Rumble

Party


It's a lively day in The Watery Hag. Jopos Tombuk's residence has been popular, drawing in crowds to hear tales of mighty elven hero Heremya Brightspear. She sits in the audience, humbly basking in tales of her great deeds. Prudence and Tom are there as well, enjoying frothy mugs of water further towards the back. Prudence is 16 after all.

Jopos is launching into 'Heremya Brightspear and the Boastful Bullywugs of Bastard Bog' when Tom notices a dwarf enter the tavern. His experience as a town guard and the way the dwarf is angrily mumbling under his breath makes him think the dwarf is up to no good. Also, the fancy dagger on his belt. Tom alerts Prudence, and the rogue slips into the crowd and disarms the dwarf with no-one the wiser.

Jopos: "And then Heremya mounted her mighty steed and-"
DM: "Are ye sure she didn't fall off and be dragged behind her mighty steed?!"

The room gasps at the DM's inconsistent accent. Also, the new guy. The mystery dwarf climbs on stage and stares down at Heremya. It's him, Khendon! Jopos and Heremya look confused. He throws his arms up in exasperation. Khendon! You know, the innocent dwarf Jopos and Heremya framed for theft. He was fired by the out-of-town wagonmaster, but any local will tell you he's been an upright and honest dwarf since the town was named Meadowbrook and long before. There's a reason they call him Khendon the Honourable!

Jopos: Just how popular is this random guy we framed?
DM: He was the mayor for several decades but stepped down because he was worried he'd lost touch with the common dwarf.

Scandal! Outrage! The room breaks out in murmurs, with patrons agreeing that Khendon the Honourable didn't have a dishonest bone in his body. Why just last month he had raised twenty gold pieces to help support a recently widowed mother of two young dwarves. And if it's his word against this elven woman who showed up yesterday… Heremya approaches the furious Khendon. She doesn't think Khendon is a bad person. Many a noble heart turns to theft in dark times. Her only regret is that he robbed someone instead of coming to her for help. She would be happy to give him a loan, you know, to help him get back on his feet.

DM: Are you trying to convince Khendon he actually did steal it? Because that's going to be a very high DC.
Heremya: I'm trying to show the room I'm a good person.
DM: Ah. Roll deception.
Heremya: Hey!

Even with Bardic Inspiration from Jopos, Heremya fumbles the roll. Khendon smacks the bag of coin out of her hand! Khendon the Honourable doesn't take bribes and he's not fallen on hard times. His family farm is the highest-producing farm this side of the Crossroads! If Heremya is the kind of person who offers bribes, then maybe Meadowbrook isn't her kind of town. She might be more comfortable in… SHELBYHILL! There is a collective gasp.

Prudence: "Oh, that's a devastating insult. Shelbyhillians are the worst."

The bard tries selling the room next. Can you believe the generosity of spirit Heremya possesses? This deranged dwarf, this thief, storms into the tavern and tries to slander her. Did she respond with raised voice, with closed fist? No! She offers her hand in friendship and charity to this misguided thief. And still he insults her! The crowd doesn't like this either. Khendon is a very popular figure in town, Jopos didn't win any friends by going negative. Things were quickly turning south for the charismatic pair.

Prudence steps in, dramatically flourishing the dagger and asking just what was Khendon planning when he showed up today? He sputters in anger, the dagger is a precious family heirloom. It's clear who the real thieves are now! They can't trust outsiders like Heremya and Jopos and they can't trust people who moved here less than two decades ago. Prudence counters that it's Khendon that can't be trusted. Has anyone ever known him to wield a weapon, or attack someone? Her father always told her that Khendon was a pacifist. What had been going on with Khendon lately?

Heremya: You know if you had told us Khendon was some kind of town hero we wouldn't have framed him.
DM: You never asked.

And then the final nail in the coffin. If Khendon's story was true, if it happened as he said, then all he claims is that while Heremya was trying to rescue an injured dwarf, Khendon was standing around and watching. That Heremya may have had an embarrassing mishap that she and her bard preferred not to speak of, but Khendon watched a dwarf nearly die and did nothing! The room turns - if Prudence vouches for the elf, then maybe Khendon really had lost the plot. One dwarf had heard that his farm wasn't even the top farm in the area anymore, not with how new irrigation techniques had changed the game. Speechless, a wild-eyed Khendon snatched back his dagger and stormed out of the room.

DM: In-character, how do you justify destroying the reputation of one of your town's most beloved heroes?
Prudence: I've never liked that guy. Did you hear that crack about my family? Dude's a racist.

The heroes have a meeting to attend, but only after Heremya buys a round of drinks for the house. They quietly leave the city, making their way to a secluded meeting spot not far beyond the walls. Irdrin is already there, accompanied by Rarza the Savage. The former clan leader is dressed ostentatiously, adorned from head to toe in sequins and tassels. She's truly grateful for the party showing up. With her loyalists driven away or killed she doesn't have anyone she can turn to.

The schism started when she announced to the clan she was meeting with the Meadowbrook family for a trade deal. Some were scared, some were angry, and Bog 'The Hog' Hogan used the confusion to make his move with his hidden cache of weapons. Rarza still had contacts at the clan, and through them she had made an arrangement with the neutral matchmaking faction. They would meet her at the entrance of Smackdown Valley and honour her request for the sacred rite of leadership known as the Royal Rumble.

There were a couple of complications. First, she was certain Bog would attempt to play dirty and take her out before the match begins. Or he would try and cheat during the match. And she didn't have anyone left she could bring as insurance. That's why she needed the party. Second, there were very strict rules in the Valley that even Bog and his men adhered to. No weapons, no magic, no armour. The party would need to disarm completely before taking off.

After some discussion, they eventually leave (most of) their armaments with Heremya's retinue and set off for the Valley. Prudence still has a dagger stashed in a secret compartment sewn into her clothes, which is the kind of thing you have when your mother is a retired assassin. They reach the Valley without encountering Bog's men, Prudence and Irdrin successfully scouting ahead and steering clear of the armed goblins.

Jek Tunney, head of the matchmaking clan, meets them at the entrance. Bog has agreed to the challenge, and he and his crew arrived an hour ago and were already sequestered. They have a secret location within the valley prepared for Rarza and her… new acquaintances as well. He checks everyone in the party for weapons (unsuccessfully) and sternly warns them that no magic or shenanigans would be tolerated. He knows there are politics and drama going on, but the leadership rite will proceed in an orderly fashion.

The party make it to their secret location and settle in. Now's as good a time as any to go over the rules. In place of weapons or magic, combatants would use a few different unarmed attacks. We have grapple attacks (Athletics), high flying attacks (Acrobatics), and unarmed strikes (melee weapon attack). Grapple and high flying are harder to hit and can be countered, but also do more damage and give you the option to stun or restrain your opponent. You can call your own moves as long as you're not too crazy with it, but for the sake of a legible write-up I'll take It easy on the Tornado DDTs and Inverted Cloverleaf Submission Holds.

DM: Alright, time to playtest the mechanics.
Party: *groans*
DM: Some of Bog's men have found your secret location! Roll perception to see who notices the ambush in time.

Prudence leapfrogs a charging goblin and sends him into a wall and Jopos evades his attacker, but Heremya is nailed by a flying goblin while Tom is grappled into an ankle lock. Prudence frees Tom and they knock out one of the goblins, but the goblins rally and take down Prudence and Jopos. A short but messy fight follows, Tom punching goblins left and right and Heremya tossing them around with grapple moves. Jopos is largely ineffective, Prudence gets dogpiled and nearly dropped to 0 health points.

DM: Did I make the rules too hard? Nah, you'll be fine.

Heremya brings the fight to a close with a counter and a grapple move to eliminate the last two aggressors. Rarza and Irdrin dispatch their attackers easily and look with concern at the battered party. Well, it's too late to find new heroes now. They patch Prudence up and the group moves to the back-up secret location. This secret location proves secret, and everyone is able to get their long rest without any further trouble.

Very early the next morning, everyone is summoned for the Royal Rumble. They travel down some undersized tunnels, Jopos whistling in comfort, Prudence nervously watching for any protrusions, and Heremya and Tom hunching over to keep their heads from scraping on the low ceiling. The tunnel comes out at the bottom of a chasm, with cliff-faces rising on both sides. Goblins line 'shelves' on the wall, gazing down at the raised wrestling ring. The sun rises over a ridge, showering natural sunlight down on the ring like a spotlight.

The Match-Declarer takes that as his cue to begin, his booming voice echoing through the chasm. Entering first, the challenger to the clan throne, weighing in at 75 pounds and representing the Arrow Club… Bog! The Hog! HOOOOOOGAAAAAAAAAN! A very muscular goblin enters accompanied by his posse. Bog roars to the audience. The world outside the valley is cruel and dishonourable, and Rarza would have the clan open their doors and have them flood in and take everything the goblins own! The goblins were abused and neglected while a part of the Hordes, and they would be abused and neglected if they sacrifice their independence now! The goblins stand, and they stand alone! And if other races didn't respect that, well he would lead the goblins in taking the fight to them!

Now entering, the current clan chief, weighing in at 50 pounds and accompanied by the New Rolled Order… RARZA! The SAVAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGE! Bog guffaws. Even now you see she brings her new masters! Rarza counters that she has always served the goblin people. The dwarves and humans are not the hordes of the past. An alliance brings safety and prosperity for everyone in the clan! And in fact it is Bog who accepts weapons from foreign masters, and turns them against his own kind! Who does Bog serve, she wonders? Is he accepting weapons from dwarven bandits? Is he accepting more than that? The audience roars with competing chants for Rarza and Bog.

Enough talking, it's time for action! Bog and Rarza charge at each other. The match is evenly contested at first, with Bog's size and weight advantage countered by Rarza's speed. The watching goblins cheer and boo raucously, and the two stables ringside watch each other for signs of deceit. One of Bog's allies shout to the ref accusing Tom of casting a spell. Tom pleads his innocence, but as the referee threatens to send him to the back, another goblin trips Rarza as she's running into the ropes! Things immediately descend into chaos as both sides roll initiative.

It's at this point that the DM introduced a new mechanic to the table. He brought out two pillows, helpfully labelled 'GOBLIN'. Hopefully those were cheap pillowcases. If the players could demonstrate the wrestling moves they were attempting on these pillows, they would get a damage bonus to their attacks. Encouraging drunk people to perform wrestling moves on pillows produced… interesting results. Some people were wrestling fans and got really into it.

Heremya: I lift two goblins at the same time and I double chokeslam them like this! AHHHHHHHHH!
Party: Cooooooooool.

Sometimes people got too into it.

DM: I assume Prudence wasn't meant to faceplant into the ground just then.
Prudence: *holding frozen peas to her face* No she nails the backflip perfectly and it looks awesome.
Jopos: Good thing too, otherwise Prudence is going to have a nasty rugburn on her face in the morning.
Heremya: Not the first time that's happened.

Sometimes it was all a bit too much.

Jopos: I don't want to get hurt like Prudence did.
DM: You said you were just going to fall on the goblin.
Jopos: Falling is how people get hurt!
DM: You don't need the damage bonus, it doesn't really matter-
Jopos: Shut up no I'm doing it! *gingerly falls on the pillow* HA! How much damage is that!
DM: The goblin is defeated with or without the extra damage.

And sometimes magic happened.

Tom: I'm sorry, I still don't know what a counter is? What am I meant to do?
DM: Do the first thing that comes into your head! The pillow is your enemy! You need to hurt the pillow any way you can! 3! 2! 1! DO IT DO IT NOW!
Tom: *hesitates, then does unspeakable things to the pillow*
DM: …What the hell?
Prudence: Tom holds the goblin over his head before slamming him to the ground, three times, and then punches, scratches, and bites the goblin all while screaming until collapsing exhausted next to the goblin. Did I miss anything?
DM: And he owes me a new pillow.
Prudence: And he owes the DM a new pillow.

The fight is chaotic. The goblins only take one or two shots to go down, but they're little hellions diving off the ring steps, the ring itself, or even dropping from the shelves overlooking the ring onto our heroes. The New Rolled Order and Irdrin clear out the first group, but reinforcements literally drop from the walls. Tom is caught in an ankle lock and knocked unconscious, but Heremya clasps his hand in a firm two handed grip definitely not using touch hands to heal Tom because that would be against the rules. Jopos crawls under the ring and does not cast Dissonant Whispers on the goblin that chases him. That goblin runs away screaming and bleeding from the ears because she's naturally cowardly. Prudence mostly hangs around Heremya and tries not to get ganged up on again.

Rarza gains the upper hand as her allies clear away the interference. But Bog's forces had one more trick up their sleeves. A new swarm of enemies emerge from the tunnels and rush the tired New Rolled Order! Distracted by the new arrivals, the referee is 'accidentally' blindsided by Bog as one of his allies slides into the ring with a chair. Rarza never sees the chair shot coming and thuds to the ground. Grinning, Bog takes the chair and orders his ally to join the attack on Rarza's friends.

Bog raises the chair above his head to rain down blows on the helpless clan leader, but Prudence rolls into the ring to make the save! She tries to grab the chair but is overpowered by the burly goblin. Bog takes a swing at Prudence but misses. Prudence goes for an acrobatic move… but Bog gets a counter. While holding a steel chair. Prudence attempts a flying nothing and is swatted out of the air with a steel chair shot. All damage in the Valley is considered non-lethal, but Prudence is still knocked unconscious.

Tom: Shouldn't the audience or officials step in here?
DM: They're goblins, getting underhanded tactics past the referee is seen as cunning and ingenuity. If they're smart enough to get it past the referee it's completely valid.

Things look dark for our heroes. Tom, Heremya, and Irdrin are struggling to hold off swarming goblins. Prudence and Rarza are out in the ring. But Rarza was faking it. She had flopped close to the edge of the ring when first knocked out and gotten a quiet Cure Wounds from Jopos. Bog, gesturing at the audience, doesn't see Rarza coming. She drops him with a flying kick driving the chair into his face. She quickly places him on top of the chair and climbs to the top rope. Rarza pauses to pose for the crowd - OOH YEAH! - and then flies off the top rope, bringing her elbow down on his chest with all of her body weight!

The chair is disposed of and the referee is roused. Rarza 'the Savage' covers Bog 'The Hog' Hogan. The audience cheers along with the chant - 1! 2! 3! The New Rolled Order is successful! Rarza is the undisputed clan chief once more. Despondent, Bog's remaining allies are easily dispatched. Our heroes raise their arms to the crowd. Well, except for Prudence, who is still knocked out. Hopefully the goblins have some frozen peas for her.

Things happen quickly after that. Rarza assumes control of the clan, Bog's followers assure her that he had intimidated them with his weapons and that they are loyal AF, and Bog himself is executed as is apparently custom for Royal Rumble losers. Tom looks a bit uncomfortable at this part. The New Rolled Order are escorted to a treasure hoard the goblins have protected since defecting from the monstrous hordes before Faeleth was formed. For their services, the heroes would be able to have their choice of rare treasures.

Funnily enough, all of our heroes have hit level 3. It's a big level, where everyone chooses what kind of subclass they want to go into. Irdrin tells the party that there would probably be specific treasure to whatever speciality they choose. But that's for next week. For now, the New Rolled Order had freed the goblins from a violent wrestling heel and participated in a sacred rite in the Smackdown Valley. All in a day's work. Coming soonish maybe, Chapter 1d - The Weird Fucked Up Cave.

Good heavens. Yeah, they're pretty basic homebrew - you roll Athletics/Acrobatics, your opponent rolls Dex or Str saving throws, things more or less hold together in this very specific encounter. We haven't been allowed to throw dropkicks or suplexes around since but this encounter was fun. 

1d - The Weird Fucked Up Cave

Welcome to Faeleth! Our heroes are poring through the goblin hoard. They're taking a nice of gold and jewels obviously, but they also discover rare and wondrous items that offer plot foreshadowing and character development. Also, +1 weapons for everyone! It's a very convenient treasure hoard.

Heremya Brightspear unearths a gleaming longsword of elven design, and a miraculously preserved elven tattooing kit. In the old days (or recent days for elves) elven paladins would have the oath of conquest marked on their skin. Nowadays there are less imperialistic elven paladin oaths, but Heremya takes this as a sign to get old school. When the party next has downtime she will have the tenets of conquest tattooed on her - Douse the Flame of Hope, Rule with an Iron Fist, and Strength Above All. She gets some new Conquest powers, and is divinely immune to disease. That's handy.

DM: Right, right, douse the flame of hope, very Lawful Good.

Jopos Tombuk picks out a cute hand crossbow that fits his little halfling hands, so he'll be useless in non-magical combat from slightly further away. Jopos also discovers a book of old poems and verses. He feels the words thrum with power as he reads the ancient text. Jopos decides to join the College of Lore and devote himself to the preservation of lost knowledge. Naturally he would keep acting as Heremya's herald/manager as a lucrative side-hustle. Jopos gets some skill profiencies, the ability to diss people so hard they get worse at stuff, and second level spells.

Prudence Goodheart uncovers a magnifying glass and a practical hat, and immediately becomes murderous Miss Marple. As part of her new life direction she possesses a sharp eye and keen ear, and can ferret out deceit and hidden evils. Prudence learns rogue abilities that make her basically a detective, more sneak attacks, and better sneak attacks. She also finds a strange blade - clearly the tooth of a large predator, but not like anything our heroes had ever heard of. The 'handle' is a length of leather bound around the base of the tooth and she feels a rush of lightning as she picks up the dagger.

Prudence: Do I have lightning superpowers now?! Is this Stormbreaker?!
DM: No, it's just a +1 dagger that does bonus lightning damage.
Prudence: Hey guys the DM gave me Stormbreaker!

Tom finds - what else - a halberd, with dwarven runes engraved in the blade. He also discovers a book with diagrams and instructions for advanced halberd techniques. Tom sees his destiny, to rigorously dedicate himself to true mastery of the halberd. He must master the art of war, and also regular artistry. To that end he picks out a collections of ancient paints and painter's supplies. Tom learns combat manoeuvres to control the battlefield, and painting to control his heart. He immediately starts painting still lifes of rocks.

Party


With everyone richer and more heroic, it's time to return to Meadowbrook. Irdrin is sent with the party to attend a meeting with the Meadowbrook family. The journey back is uneventful, probably because the DM didn't want to run any more combats with wrestling rules. Let us dropkick a wolf in the face you coward. Heremya and Jopos set off back to The Watery Hag to retrieve their gear and for Heremya to get an overtly fascist tattoo, Prudence and Tom escort Irdrin to the council building because we are not having Irdrin be lynched by fearful villages after all this shit.

Marketmaster Cosi Meadowbrook, the daughter of Lady Tholir Meadowbrook and bartender and proprietor of The River Lily, greets them at the door. She's a very busy lady. She and Irdrin thank our heroes for everything they've done for Meadowbrook and the goblins of Smackdown Valley, and they go inside for their meeting.

Well well well, if it isn't the 'Heroes of the Convoy'. A man in noble finery approaches, his words dripping with insincerity. His name is Lord Kalgraet, a dwarf of means and interests in the area. So of course he's taken notice of the Meddling Kids dispatching bandits here and resolving goblin civil wars there. Prudence knows Kalgraet; a minor noble and rival of Lady Tholir. They loathe each other, but Tholir plies him with ale and other considerations to keep him quiet.

Wait! A blind dwarf in fine religious garments is hurried along by a fellow, less finely adorned dwarf. Prudence bows her head and elbows Tom to do the same. It's Priest Bozan after all, the head of the church and possibly the most revered man in Meadowbrook. Kalgraet bristles at the interruption.

Oh, you don't need to do that, Bozan reassures her. He was hoping to meet the very capable individuals who had resolved the matter with the goblin bandits, and the matter with the dwarven bandits. It's a shame so many people turn to banditry. There is a very serious matter he can only entrust to someone of formidable ability. Kalgraet interrupts, deepest apologies your worship, but he was already discussing an urgent business matter with them. He mimes rubbing two gold pieces together.

Prudence apologises to Lord Kalgraet but they would need to go with Priest Bozan. (Prudence gains +5 Paragon points.) Kalgraet mutters darkly as he stalks off, and Prudence and Tom leave with Bozan and his friend. Bozan introduces the other dwarf as Brother Gromli, one of his closest subordinates at the church who had been very kind since the accident. Bozan would talk more about the issue once they reached the safety of the church. It was a very delicate matter that required confidentiality.

Meanwhile…

Jopos: Do we have any way of knowing they're at the chapel?
DM: Nope.
Jopos: I guess I put on a show then. We don't need you, we're doing perfectly interesting things off-screen.

On the way, Prudence fucking nails a perception check to see a woman following through the crowd. It's Kubera, one of Lord Kalgraet's relatives and somewhat put-upon. A further insight check suggests that Kubera doesn't seem to have any malicious intent and in fact seems annoyed that she's being asked to do this. Bozan waves it off. Kalgraet was always scheming for a way to profit. He knows better than to interfere with church matters though.

Ah, Meadowbrook Chapel. It's a beautiful dwarven building, built along one of the rivers that runs through town. Towering above just about everything else in Meadowbrook, it combines solid dwarven craftsmanship with lofty and ornate design. In any dwarven settlement, the biggest, the best, and the most heavily populated building is going to be a church. Bozan leads them in and down a private corridor, Gromli standing guard outside in case Kubera was bold enough to try and spy in a church.

Alright, Priest Bozan says. Lord Kalgraet's people were developing further down the lakeside, trying to get in before the Meadowbrook family parcelled off the land to their political allies in the expansion. But something happened. One of the dwarves from the expedition had fled back to town, raving incoherently about monsters and eyes. Kalgraet quickly had him taken away to hide his operation, but not before the dwarf had secretly passed a map to Bozan showing the location of a work camp where the monsters and eyes were found.

Bozan's first thought was to go to the council with this, but Kalgraet was on the council and would stonewall anything that could expose his manoeuvring. He could have gone himself, but ever since becoming blind he wasn't the cleric he used to be. Bozan didn't know what to do. If there is danger so close to the town, it needs to be addressed now. So he thought maybe the Heroes of the Convoy, the New Rolled Order, the Nut Party, might be able to look into things for him. Sounds like a quest hook to me.

The next day…

The Meddling Kids were feeling pretty great. For the first time ever they have time and money to prepare for an adventure, so they're getting that good adventuring gear. Forget that basic shit, they're rolling with magical weapons and healing potions now. The map leads to a destination less than a day out from Meadowbrook so they figure hey, let's bring the retinue and everything. What could possibly mess with them? They make it to the destination marked on the map, and… okay, that's creepy.

The work camp is completely abandoned. It hasn't been ransacked, there's no sign of a struggle, everyone is just gone. No wildlife either, not even insects. Loralei is an elf-blooded steed, a regal beast of uncommon discipline and intelligence. And she is freaking out. Weirdly good boss Heremya quickly decides to have her crew take Loralei back to town, and even gives the squire her old spear for self-defence. Prudence chips in with spare daggers for the cook and farrier just in case.

They investigate the camp for clues and find an excavation schedule. The last recorded item is dated a month ago, and points to a work site not far from here. Looking into it, at the work site they discover that a crude land clearing effort had seemingly uncovered an underground cave. It was roughly a 15-feet drop into the cave, but the dwarves had already set up climbing equipment and whatever else you need to safely climb up and down 15 feet. So the party is free to drop into the cave that as far as they could tell had eaten everyone. How lucky for them.

It's a large, partially flooded tunnel. It's almost a foot deep where they're standing, but gets to partly dry land in one direction and is entirely flooded in the other. Sun streams in the opening they climbed through, illuminating parts of the cave and the far wall. Speaking of the far wall, there are strange carvings. Nobody can make heads or tails of the writing, but there are pictures of a giant winged lizard breathing lightning.

Jopos: So it's dragons.
DM: The creature doesn't resemble anything your characters would have heard of or-
Jopos: So it's secret dragons.
Prudence: It does sound like dragons.

There is splashing coming from the darkness. Heremya has darkvision and sees a group of dwarves approaching. (However, she rolls a 3 on her Perception check so we're missing something. Don't worry this totally doesn't come up). The dwarf out in front is frantic. He steps into the light and they see he's gaunt and exhausted. He starts raving, he heard sounds that didn't sound like them and he came running. They need to get out of here, we all need to leave.

Heremya: "Don't worry, we're here now. You and your friends and climb out of the tunnel there, and we will handle whatever's in the cave."
DM: "My friends?"

One of the 'dwarves' wraps a… tentacle? Oh shit. It wraps a tentacle around the lead dwarf's throat before he can react, and yanks him back. Muffled screams ring out from the darkness. Two more 'dwarves' advance into the light and everyone gets a good look at them. Their skin is rubbery, covered in pus and boils, and ripples as if something were surging under the surface. The faces aren't much to look at either, restructured around a pulsating and bloodshot eye three or four times the usual size. And oh right, one of them has an arm that turns into a tentacle.

The first freak charges Heremya and hits her with a club, and then his facial structure morphs more as he grows an elephant tusk out the side of his face and tries to gore her. The second freak turns his right arm into a tentacle and wraps it around Tom's arm. Prudence finally manages to light a lantern, illuminating a gruesome scene as the other two freaks dissolve the dwarf with acid spit.

Jopos: "YOU SAID THEY WERE DWARVES HEREMYA!"
Heremya: "YOU COULDN'T EVEN SEE THEM!"

It's a rough fight. Tom and Heremya are grappled by tentacles early, severely restricting their usefulness. Prudence gets nice damage with her new sneak attack and lightning damage, but with the tanks compromised she's quickly isolated and beaten down. Jopos quickly dashes to grab the lantern so the party can see (instead of immediately healing Prudence) but now he can't reload his crossbow. Tom takes some nasty hits and goes down as well and Jopos is put on healbot duty. Heremya carries the load for the party with a new paladin ability where she exudes a divinely terrifying presence that debuffs the freaks. Think Galadriel when she goes all dark side. With Jopos providing heals the Meddling Kids are able to pile on the damage and kill three of the freaks.

Things are looking up, but then Tom notices their giant eyeballs bulging, like they're struggling to escape from their skulls. Jopos tries to shoot at an eyeball and misses. (This is why he's on healbot duty). The outsized eyeballs burst out of their skulls, dripping in pus and blood and miasma. They apparently have wings and eyelids independent of their host body, and teeth. How do eyeballs have teeth? It's almost a relief when they start firing magic beams because it least they're not using teeth anymore.

Prudence: "KILL IT KILL IT KILL IT KILL IT"
Tom: I want to specify my character is doing very lethal damage right now. Hyper-lethal damage.

There is stabbing, there is slashing, there is screaming, but in the end the freaky teeth-possessing flying eyes are also killed. The party has some time to discuss what to do next, vis-a-vis the murderous freaks which they can deduce are the remains of Lord Kalgraet's work crew. There's a quick vote and Jopos's plan to get the fuck out of dodge is outvoted 3-1. Prudence and Tom feel that civil obligation requires them to further investigate the atrocities against nature, while Heremya says it'll make for a great story but maybe she just wants to do the right thing? She really walks a fascinating line between Lawful Good and Lawful not good at all.

As the party travels down the less flooded path, there are more pictures carved into the wall. There are creatures the party does recognise, kobolds and lizardfolks. They appear to be subservient to the mysterious large winged reptiles-

Tom: Can we just call them dragons?
DM: Your character has no knowledge-
Tom: Yeah I know but can we just call them dragons anyway?
DM: Everyone roll a perception check.

Thanks, Tom.

Two masses approach in the water. The party smells them almost before they see them, the rancidity of rotting flesh cutting through the already fairly putrid stagnant marsh cave. These freaks stalk out of the water, showing gills and webbed fingers and the beginning of scales. Much like their freak friends they also have one grossly distended eye that everyone now knows has teeth.

Jopos sends a dwarf scrambling away with magic bardic whispering. Heremya attacks the other freak with her longsword, and the freak responds as you do by morphing a crocodile mouth and trying to eat her. Acid saliva drips from his teeth and sizzles on contact with the ground as Heremya desperately holds him off. The Meddling Kids are able to swarm him and take him down pretty quickly, but this leaves them all lined up when the first guy comes back and fires a truly impressive quantity of acid at them. Everyone is very burned. Bright side, the other eyeball monster was killed before it could burst free. Prudence gets a critical hit and is able to use it to target the freak's eye, killing freak and eyeball monster in one blow. Night King rules, good to know.

Everyone heals up. The party is running a little low on spell slots, the perfect time for nothing bad to happen and for everyone to go home safely. They arrive at another fork - one path is dry and looks safe, another path is partially flooded and leads to a sharp drop into the dark unknown. A cry for help echoes along the dangerous looking path, but most of the party is able to pass a Perception check to realise it's an imitation. So they choose the safe looking path! Seems to be the right choice as they don't immediately die.

They come into a large chamber, with detailed carvings all across the walls and a partially decomposed jawbone with teeth reminiscent of Prudence's new dagger. Could it possibly be the same mysterious creature that nobody can recognise?

Heremya: It would be easier for everyone if we could call them dragons.
DM: There are three dwarves in the room waiting for you. What do you do?

To the surprise of nobody, the dwarves turn out to be horrific caricatures of life and a cruel mockery of all that is decent. What is perhaps most alarming is one of the dwarves doesn't have a giant eyeball. Instead, he's hunched over and twice the girth of a normal dwarf. While the freaks normally sneer and cackle and speak in their wretched language, this freak just screams in wordless agony.

A telepathic voice reverberates in the Meddling Kids's heads. Oh good, more test subjects. This is your new language, correct? I don't mind that you've been killing my servants. They came out wrong, they all come out wrong. Even the one I sent out to get me more. The telepathic voice laughs. Maybe I just needed stronger meatsacks. The hunched over dwarf turns, and the party gets a good look and the giant eyeball embedded in his back that is seemingly taking up his entire upper body. Deeply unsettling laughter reverberates in their heads.

Time to stab things. Ominous pre-battle dialogue aside, it seems like the same fight they've had a few times now - the freaks are freaky but once you get the hang of it they're not too hard to pummel. The dwarf with the giant eyeball even goes down at the first hit… that's good, right?

With a cascade of bodily fluids, the eyeball erupts out of the dwarf carcass and shoots magic rays at the party! Tom is badly injured by a death ray, Heremya resists a paralysing ray. The freaks attack while everyone is stunned by the frankly predictable second-phase boss, wrapping Prudence up in tentacles. Tom intercedes before this can turn into Japanese pornography. The party splits, Tom and Prudence fight off the freaks while Heremya and Jopos tackle the boss

Tom and Prudence do well. Tom has a special fighter attack he can use to push 15 feet away and frees anyone trapped in a grapple, and any freak close enough to grapple Tom is close enough for Prudence to get a sneak attack. We make fun of Tom for being a boring idiot (he has negative modifiers for intelligence and charisma this is an undeniable fact), but when it's time to stab things he's the guy to call. The freaks focus their attention on the crazy guy with a halberd wrecking their shit, which gives Prudence more sneak attacks. You can never have enough sneak attacks.

Heremy and Jopos have trouble with the boss. The big eyeball fights more strategically than the little monsters, hovering out of range and firing eye beams. Heremya spends two rounds frightened after being shot by a Fear Ray, that doesn't help. The boss eyeball's saving throws are a problem - Jopos uses Phantasmal Force to make it seem like the ceiling is lava and then Suggestion to suggest that maybe the eyeball wants to fly in melee range and eat Heremya's face, but both spells rebound and hit Heremya. Luckily Suggestion can't compel you to eat your own face unless that's something you already wanted to do.

DM: "Thanks for the tip, after I've killed you all I will enjoy eating her face."
Heremya: "Jopos, you're fired."

Tom and Prudence are able to come over and help and the tide turns. Heremya uses a spell to essentially order the monster to sit and stay, and hey, it fails a Wisdom save so it flies right up to Heremya and gets repeatedly and brutally stabbed by everyone. Badly wounded, the boss swoops back up into the air and shoots more magic rays. Jopos is paralysed, nobody has spell slots left, and frankly nobody in the party is much good with a bow. Tom has a plan. He leaps into the air, impaling the monster on the end of his halberd! With a tremendous roar he does an overhead smash and slams the monster to the ground! Hyper-lethal damage, folks.

A telepathic message echoes across the room in the speech used by the freaks. Even (or especially) non-verbally, the language used by these monsters is painful and antithetical to life. Smaller eyeballs come streaming out of a disguised subchamber! It's quickly apparent they're not fighting the party, they're trying to escape out into the world.

A frantic struggle ensues. The entrance to the room is a natural chokepoint and the Meddling Kids stand their ground. They shoot some of the eyeballs out of the air with their various arrow-launching weapons, but then the eyeballs start firing back with eyebeams. The eyebeams aren't that strong individually but when you have a whole bunch of them firing attacks at once it's bad. Heremya is smashed into a wall, Tom is frozen solid in fear, and eyeballs stream out through the gaps in the formation. The last straw is when Prudence is knocked unconscious (again) by a frost ray.

DM: You got a lot of them. I thought you were going to be irresponsible and just let them escape.
Prudence: Should I have put more points into constitution?

Well, all that's left to do is give Prudence enough health points to get mobile and examine the cave. They look more closely at the carvings, the ones in the cave seem centred around a giant winged lizard standing guard over a clutch of eggs. Heremya notices a rune in the wall that is gently pulsating with energy. It seems to speak to her, beckoning her to touch it.

DM: What do you do?
Heremya: I put one hand on my religious symbol and the other hand on the rune.
Prudence: I ready an action to stab Heremya in the neck when she starts turning into one of those things.

A powerful lightning surge comes out from the rune and electrocutes Heremya! She falls to the floor and spasms uncontrollably, and then falls unconscious. Luckily Tom has medical supplies he stabilised Heremya with. But nobody has healing left, so I guess we're carrying her up a slippery 15-foot rock wall.

Prudence and Jopos explore the rest of the chamber, resolving not to touch any glowing runes. They find the room the small eyeballs were hidden in, and how about that? They find another treasure hoard! No magical weapons or character development in this one, but they do fill some bags of heavy metal they will also need to carry up a damp 15-foot wall. Even Good characters take a finder's fee.

With that horrible, horrible business resolved and the party all the richer for it, they make like a tree and get the fuck out of there. Between the climbing equipment and Tom's Athletics bonus they evacuate Heremya and the precious precious treasure without incident. The party travels back to the work camp and finds a relatively intact tent big enough for the four of them. No way in hell they're sleeping alone after what they just saw. The Meddling Kids settle in and prepare some nice camp provisions for supper.

Heremya wakes up after some time. Apparently the runes did more than nearly kill her. There was a message imbued in the walls, visions of a time before Faeleth.

She saw an ancient civilisation. Great winged lizards, not as carvings on a wall but as real as anything existing today. There were gleaming and noble beasts, wise and benevolent. There were beasts covered in dulled scales, their eyes alight with malice and cunning. They were unrivalled in their time. They were massive beasts, so filled with natural magic that their very presence warped the land around them for good or ill. What could stand against them?

She saw chaos and conflict. The servant races were corrupted, mutilated, turned. The ruling beasts were fantastically powerful, but were also arrogant and complacent. They didn't realise the danger until it was too late, when swarms of deformed kobolds and lizardfolk with bulging eyes tore them apart scale from scale. The great beasts rose again, defiled and implanted with eyeball monsters much larger than the one the party fought. What was left of the former rulers of the land went into hiding, desperately trying not to be found.

She saw a bronze winged lizard. The beast was well-hidden in an underground cave, the only entrance deep underwater. They started carving, recording the history of their people into the cave and infusing it with magic so that knowledge of their people may yet live on. They carve their regrets, their fears, the vain hope that somehow eggs will live on. And yet, even now the plant life for miles around grows verdant and bioluminescent, an unmistakable result of the beast's influence. The beast carves faster.

She saw an army of corruption marching through the cave. She saw the beast, defiant to the end, repelling intruders with fang, claw, and lighting.

She heard a name for the beasts. In their time, they were known… as dragons.

Jopos: So we can say dragons now?
DM: Rocks fall, Jopos dies.

Next episode, whenever I get around to it, 1e - Revenge of the Black Hand Band. Who knows how the party continues after the tragic death of Jopos though.

Hey, we go a full two sessions without a free level next. It's not all roses and sunshine over here.

I think it's a few things. Levels are given for narrative achievements rather than a numerical value so it's easier to bullshit, there are non-story combats each session that are cut for not being narratively interesting (sorry, wolves that attacked the convoy), and the DM is taking it easy on us since most of us are drunk novices. 

He's warned that the levels are heavily front-loaded though. So we won't be sprinting to level 20 in ten more sessions. 

1e - Revenge of the Black Hand Band

Party


Welcome to Faeleth! It's an unsettlingly silent night. Our noble protagonists are asleep in one big tent, at the secret work camp by the den of unspeakable horrors. They don't normally share a tent, but the whole 'den of unspeakable horrors of which many horrors recently escaped into the world' has everyone freaked out. Two people may have been spooning. I won't say who, but it rhymes with 'Jom and Topos'. I'm sure nothing at all will go wrong.

DM: Ok, everyone roll a d20. No modifiers, just a luck check.

Damn it, DM.

Prudence and Heremya are only lightly asleep, which is lucky because Prudence barely makes out that someone is approaching the camp. A lot of someones. They seem to be speaking Dwarvish at least, not… freak language. Okay, so intruders who show up late at night at the secret work camp you happen to be sleeping at probably have bad intentions. Maybe Lord Kalgraet sent people to bury the evidence, or someone tracked them here? Whatever it is, the party decides they should be armed for this.

The problem is putting on armour takes time. It's a pretty big camp, but it takes a really long time to put on heavy armour and they could be discovered at any moment. Prudence has a cunning plan to distract the intruders - she's going to sneak to the other side of the camp and light something on fire. She does enjoy lighting things on fire. The intruders have arrived and prowl with their lamps while Tom, Heremya, and Jopos try to put on armour in the dark and silently. With catlike tread Prudence reaches the other side of the camp and starts a couple of fires. Unfortunately she's spotted before she can slip away. They're over here! Kill them!

DM: All the angry dwarves are converging on you, what do you do?
Prudence: I ditch the party and run away from the camp.
Jopos: Very heroic.
Prudence: You're not even in this scene.

The night is pitch black and Prudence has been sneaking around dwarves long enough to know how to navigate dwarven darkvision. The intruders curse as they stumble in the dark with their lamps. It would be very easy for Prudence to start picking them off with her bow, but this was a stalling mission. No need to be a hero when you don't have your armour. Minutes tick by as they search fruitlessly for the hidden rogue-

Wait a minute! One of the mooks holds up a dimmed lantern Prudence abandoned. Lighting a tent on fire is a weird thing to do now that you think of it… almost like they wanted us to look over here. The dwarf in charge smacks his forehead. Paragons curse me! He exclaims. Everyone to the other side of the camp! Keep your eyes open for anything!

Sidebar: Religion in Faeleth is muddled. Nobody actually knows what's up, so each race has their own concept of divinity. Dwarves worship Paragons, mortal beings that ascend after being really great. Elves worship The Muses, elven bards that sing of their accomplishments to the heavens. Orcs worship the World Tree, a really big tree that they believe extends deep into the earth and connects to all other trees. Humans worship the sea and pray to her for providence. Halfings (winterfolk halflings, not summer boys like Jopos) believe that life is hard and who gives a shit about divinity if the divinity isn't right here right now helping them clear a cave-in. Clerics and paladins seem to get their magic regardless.

Back to the imminent danger. Jopos and Tom are decked out and ready to go, but Heremya is only half in to her chainmail and won't be getting the AC. She has her shield though. Prudence is following the group but gets spotted by a particularly observant dwarf with a longbow and a boy scout sash. A virgin is always prepared. The scout dwarf grabs a mook and sets off into the night to try and stab Prudence. The other intruders arrive at the party, and the leader dramatically removes his helmet.

DM: "OCH, REMEMBER ME?!"
Jopos: Oh for fuck's sake.
Heremya: I am so glad we get to kill this guy.

Khendon the Honourable is decked out with studded leather armour and the black hand brand on his hand. So we understand with the brand on his hand he's of the Black Hand Band, and he's giving commands. He has two mooks with him, meanwhile the scout and another mook chase after Prudence. Begin!

Heremya goes Dark Galadriel, striking Khendon motionless with fear. His mooks are braver and charge, easily stabbing Heremya. Tom and Jopos whiff on their attacks but Prudence shoots the scout from stealth and nearly takes him out in one shot. The dwarves chasing Prudence realise they're making themselves a target by carrying a lamp around in the middle of the night and quickly douse it.

Prudence: So… none of us can see now.
DM: Pretty much.

Khendon overcomes being frightened, only to immediately be enchanted by Jopos. The mooks hold their own in battle against Tom and Heremya - Tom defeats one mook while Heremya keeps taking damage from the other. Khendon breaks free from the enchantment as well and the party might be in trouble. Everyone is low on health, the casters are low on spells, and Khendon is swinging on Heremya with a vengeance.

DM: "YOU RUINED MY LIFE! YOU TOOK EVERYTHING FROM ME!"
Heremya: "None of that was technically me! You should be trying to kill the other members of the party!"

A wild Prudence appears! She sprints back into combat and kills the weirdly effective mook with a thrown dagger sneak attack. The dwarves that were chasing her are in hot pursuit, and Jopos has a really cool moment as he turns and drops the scout with one shot from his hand crossbow. You feeling lucky punk? #BardLife #MrStealYoKills. Heremya finally lands a hit, Khendon retaliates by dropping her to zero hit points with a rapier flurry before stabbing her with his dagger once she's down for good measure.

It's too little too late though. Prudence quickly dispatches of the final mook, Jopos uses his last spell to heal Heremya, and Tom and Heremya team up to repeatedly stab Khendon. Seeing his vengeance slipping away, Khendon the Dishonourable tries to run.

Tom: "Okay the fight is over, I think we can stop now-"
Prudence: I throw a dagger at his back!
DM: Nope, not enough damage to kill him.
Tom: "Seriously we don't need to-"
Jopos: I shoot Khendon in the back!
DM: That does it.

Wheezing heavily, Khendon turns to face his foes. You liars. You frauds. You took everything from me. He spits the words like bile. You have made enemies in Meadowbrook, Frauds of the Convoy. Even as I die, there are others who work to bring about your demise. How do you think we found you? We'll find you again, he sputters out as he coughs up blood. Count on it.

You're going to bleed out, Heremya observes coolly. It could take hours. Does your family know where to find you? If you help us out, we could make things easier for you. We could let them know where to find you. Khendon glares with venom in his eyes. Fine. I'll give you a name. His voice grows weaker, Heremya has to lean in to catch what he's saying-

Khendon stabs Heremya! She is stone-faced as she grabs the knife with one hand and his throat with the other. He struggles to move, to breathe, to do anything as she chokes the life from him. Then he stops struggling. It's deathly quiet as she struggles to her feet and pulls the dagger out of her stomach.

Heremya: "Prudence. Here's a dagger for you."
Party: "Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaamn."

The Frauds of the Convoy are in a precarious position. Out of spells, low on hit points, and the party tank in particular is real fucked up. They pack up and they're on the move, careful to avoid combat. They arrive in town exhausted and looking over their shoulder, and finally get their long-delayed long rests. Even then it's a paranoid time for Team Frauds. They start noticing random people looking at them, not knowing if they're secret enemies or just curious about the paranoid heavily armed people.

They meet up in the Watery Hag like they always do - if you can't hide, act like nothing's wrong. Tom shows up in full armour and with his halberd. That's weird. Prudence shows up with her mother, Vanessa Goodheart. That's weirder.

Prudence: "I told her we have secret enemies in Meadowbrook who wanted to murder us and now she won't leave me alone."

The top suspect is Lord Kalgraet, naturally. He's a shifty dude, he knew where the work camp is, and he has motive to clean up the camp and anyone who knows about it. But he's a Lord, they can't just go around throwing accusations. And Khendon said someone in town specifically hated them. Kalgraet at most seemed annoyed by them. The only solid lead they have is that the bandits were all sporting the Black Hand Brand. If they want to get to the heart of this, they'll need to talk to the Black Hand Band. Maybe interrogate them?

Heremya might have something. She noticed something earlier, when Jopos was performing his tale about the Black Hand Band. A man wearing a gloves leaving the tavern in disgust. The Black Hand Band has coin to spend, it makes sense that a lot of it would go towards taverns. They can't check every dwarf in The Watery Hag and accuse anyone wearing gloves of being a bandit. But if Jopos were to perform another tasteless set about their group as Tom and Prudence scanned the crowd for upset dwarves wearing gloves…

Sounds like a plan. Jopos's daily set is up soon, so today he's performing his newest composition 'Heremya Brightspear and the Ugly Stupid Losers With Black Hands For Some Stupid Reason'. Very well-received, it told the tale of how Heremya Brightspear sans armour fought off an entire crew of Black Hand Bandits singlehandedly. She chose not to don her armour as the light of the Paragons would shield her, it's a bit much. It works though, Tom and Prudence notice a dwarf wearing gloves storming out of the tavern. They go to follow - and Tom trips over a bucket. Way to roll a 2, Tom.

The dwarf spots them and breaks into a sprint, dashing through the shady alleyways and backstreets of the port. He tries to disappear into a crowd but Tom as able to pick him out with his years of guard experience, he knocks down debris as he runs past but Prudence vaults over it with catlike tread. Hot on his heels, Prudence turns a corner and oh no the dwarf has friends. Two hefty fellows, wielding large maces and wearing similar gloves. You've made a big mistake lady.

Tom thunders around the corner a few steps behind. Prudence smiles…

The dwarf watches in horror as Tom dispatches his comrades with his signature brand of non-lethal halberd wielding. Out of respect to Tom's sensitivity and her lawful nature, Prudence refrains from stabbing anyone… lethally. Firing a crossbow at our heroes, the flighty dwarf tries to continue the chase - there's a scream as he disappears around a corner. They follow and find the dwarf head over heels and dangling from seemingly thin air. Prudence rolls her eyes. She recognises this spell, her mother would cast it to catch her breaking curfew.

Mum, I told you to go home! There's nobody there, Prudence is shouting to no-one. Exasperated, she points her dagger at the dwarf's face. Okay buddy, we need to know where the Black Hand Band are at. Please tell us, because if you don't then my Mum - she cast this spell - is going to come back and torture you. She will stab you repeatedly until you tell us everything, and then she'll be all 'why didn't you torture him first, Prudence. I didn't raise you to be soft, Prudence. I didn't need my mother to torture people when I was your age, Prudence.'

Tom and the dwarf dangling from nothing look very freaked out.

The Black Hand Band are based out of the forest to the north. They had a nice camp, a very nice camp, but recently they've come under attack by goblins and were forced deeper into the forest. Actually he could draw them a map. He's just some nobody the Black Hand sent to spy on you guys, you don't need to kill him. Or torture him. Or let your mum torture him. How about no torture, guys. The dwarf is so helpful in fact that he is able to draw the map while hanging upside down. Prudence gets the map and waves at someone.

Prudence: "We should probably move away from the dwarf."
Tom: "Why?"

An arrow is fired out of nowhere, embedding itself in the dwarf's neck. Prudence just sighs. Do you have any idea what it's like having an overinvolved mother who kills people? It’s not easy, let her tell you. This one time a dwarf wolf-whistled at Prudence and nobody ever found a body but Mum was out really late that night…

The Frauds of the Convoy had took a day to rest up and restock on adventuring supplies, and then it's right into the forest. They quickly locate the abandoned Black Hand camp - large and imposing, it was now inhabited by goblins from Smackdown Valley using it as an outpost. As part of the trade deal with Meadowbrook they were tasked with keeping the Black Hand Band and other bandits away from the road, and were upholding their end of the deal with vigour.

Prudence and Tom scout ahead of the party while Jopos and Heremya put on a show at the camp. A fighter usually isn't the stealthy member of the party, but Tom had invested in some nice medium armour that uses his dexterity bonus and doesn't give him disadvantage on stealth. Jopos couldn't walk ten feet without complaining how dirty the forest is, and Heremya's standard gait is clank clank clank I AM THE MIGHTY HEREMYA KNEEL BEFORE ME clank clank clank. So Tom it is.

Following the map - it really was a fantastic map - they quickly located the new camp. It was rather meagre. The Black Hand Band had clearly been in a rush, the walls were shoddily constructed and there was just the one 'watchtower' where a dwarf kept a wary eye out for more goblins. The sturdiest feature of the camp by far was a cave that fed into it. Tom used his survival proficiency to determine that the cave probably didn't lead out anywhere nearby, and just to check they spent half a day walking around the forest. It's probably for storage.

Reconvening at the goblin camp, they devise a cunning plan. In the dark of night they approach the bandit camp. Prudence goes ahead, sneaking in close enough to start a fire against the walls and then sneaking away. It takes a little while for the fire to build up but soon enough a couple of sleepy dwarves open the gate to check - and that's when the party charges! The watchdwarf shouts a warning but it's too late, the armed and armoured adventurers are already through the door. Heremya channels Dark Galadriel again and informs the unarmed and unarmoured bandits that anyone still in front of her when she draws her blade is going to die tonight.

There are up to twenty bandits in the fort. They had already seen one fort ransacked by goblins, and now their crappy backup fort is on fire and being attacked by lunatics with class levels. Most of the bandits decide to run away. A few particularly dedicated dwarves grab bows and start firing at the Frauds of the Convoy. Prudence notices a boulder being pushed in front of the cave, so it seems like all the important members they need to interrogate are sealing themselves in a cave with no exit. She decides to let them do that.

The scrappy bandits still fighting aren't particularly good at shooting arrows. A particularly brave fellow who I guess was sleeping in his armour strides out to challenge Heremya, and they have a really cool duel as the camp burns around them. He actually kind of gets the upper hand - she's rolling like shit and he's good with his dual scimitars. Unfortunately Tom, Prudence, and Jopos make quick work of his backup and he's surrounded by pointy weapons. He surrenders and confirms the leader dwarf and her lieutenants are in the cave. Makes sense.

One summary execution later (Tom objected), the party is trying to get past the giant boulder. In retrospect maybe they should have interfered earlier - there is a slot dug out in front of the cave and it is a giant pain in the arse to get the boulder out. They find shovels in the smouldering wreckage and get to work digging the boulder out. But it's time-consuming work that gives anyone in the cave a lot of time to prepare. Heremya got kinda messed up to the party gives her a short rest to get her hit points back. In-universe, imagine Heremya napping in a hammock as the rest of the party sweats and glares at her. How did she even get a hammock?

When the boulder is (finally) moved, an armed group of bandits grimly await their foes. Their leader is a scarred woman in heavy armour (Leader Dwarf), and she's flanked by a cruel-looking man with a longbow (Mean Dwarf) and a big guy with a greataxe twice his size (Big Dwarf) There are also some spindly looking guys wearing cheap armour and wetting themselves with fear.

We're after the leader, Heremya declares. If any of you little guys don't want to die, you can drop your weapons and we'll let you leave. The little guys immediately take her up on that. Mean Dwarf notches an arrow and fires at one of the fleeing mooks, but Heremya blocks the arrow with her shield and it looks awesome.

Jopos: "That is definitely going in the next tale. I usually lie when I'm talking you up but that was actually really heroic!"
Heremya: *grumbles*

Jopos hits a home run in the first round by magically suggesting that Mean Dwarf travel far into the forest to find an innocent and helpless animal to kill. Mean Dwarf fails his saving throw, so… yay? Heremya goes Dark Galadriel one more time, frightening everyone but Leader Dwarf. Heremya and Leader Dwarf go toe to toe in an honourable duel- wait, Prudence sneaks in and stabs Leader Dwarf in the back. Another dwarf (Sneaky Dwarf) emerges from the shadows and tries to shoot Prudence, but she caught Heremya's whammy as well and her attacks suck now.

It's all downhill for the Black Hand Bandits from here. Mean Dwarf exits the cave to murder a rabbit or something, and Sneaky Dwarf and Big Dwarf are unable to overcome their fear of Heremya and they suck at combat because of it. Leader Dwarf gets some solid shots in on Heremya, but Jopos just heals her. Tom sends Big Dwarf flying through the air with his halberd, and Jopos does some bard shit that makes his ears bleed and sends him fleeing deeper into the cave. Bards are mean.

Leader Dwarf tries to fight on but is brought down by Prudence stabbing her in the back. It's a non-lethal stabbing of course. Sneaky Dwarf surrenders the moment Tom gets in her face with his halberd. Big Dwarf tries to rejoin the fight swinging his mighty greataxe and Tom immediately cuts him down. We're a bad influence on Tom, now he severs tendons instead of dispatching enemies with artful nutshots.

Heremya gives Leader Dwarf a bit of health to get her talking. What do you want now? She asks spitefully. You killed our people, you sent the goblins after us, you killed more of our people, and now we're here. What did we ever do to you? Tom chimes in helpfully that we didn't actually do the goblin thing, that was a business deal organised between the goblin leadership and the Meadowbrook Council. In response Leader Dwarf rolls a bloody spit attack and gets Tom right in the face.

We heard you have allies against us, Heremya says brusquely. We need to know who. Leader Dwarf laughs. Or what? You'll kill me, break up my gang? I'm going to die here and this is all that remains of the Black Hand Band. Heremya tries her classic interrogation technique - yes, you're going to die. But either I can kill you here or we can seal you in this cave. Scrabbling at the rocks until your hands are bloody, screaming but there's nobody alive to hear you. Do you think you'd die from blood loss or starvation? She really does walk a fascinating line between Lawful Good and Lawful Evil.

Leader Dwarf blanches. Okay, look. I don't know everything that's happening here. There's a lord in town who paid us to hassle caravans - nothing serious, just hassle people and maybe a lone traveller or two never make it home. The attack on your convoy was a major overreach. But lately we've been getting messages from someone… someone in the church. Pause for a collective gasp. That's where we knew where to find you. We need to go back and talk to Priest Bozan, Prudence sputters. Unless Bozan is the contact, Jopos counters.

Heremya beheads Leader Dwarf with a swing of her sword. Hey, she kept her end of the deal. Oh hey, Sneaky Dwarf is still here and not on board with dying in a cave. She makes a break for it, trying to escape through pure luck. And Jopos shoots her in the back. He's really starting to enjoy that. One more crossbow bolt for Big Dwarf, and we have successfully defeated the Black Hand Band! The fortress is literally burning around us, their forces scattered to the wind, I'm sure nothing will go wrong from here-

Two days later…

Oh crap the session is still going. The DM starts rolling die to see how things went in Meadowbrook while we were gone. This can only go well.

On their way back to way back to Meadowbrook, Heremya is suddenly caught in an invisible trap and is hanging from mid-air by her ankle. Prudence's mother Vanessa Goodheart comes out of hiding. She's not alone, Heremya's posse and her horse are all smirking as she curses and struggles to free herself. Vanessa rushes forward to embrace her daughter. Something happened in Meadowbrook. Brother Gromli is dead, and Bozan is accusing you all of conspiring with Lord Kalgraet to assassinate him. Kalgraet and his niece have already been arrested and are scheduled to be executed. The town guard came after us as well, but we were able to escape.

DM: You guys got lucky with the rolls. There's a perfectly good version of this where nobody gets away and you get ambushed when you return to Meadowbrook.

Wait, Prudence asks. Where's dad? Vanessa's voice catches and she doesn't answer. What happened to dad?

What happened at the church? Will our heroes be able to rescue the undeveloped NPCs that were just introduced last episode, and Prudence's father who got a brief mention like three sessions ago? Find out next time in Chapter 1f - The Hanging River

I see your DM also played Dragon Age, what with the dwarf Paragons. You know, I played a True Neutral cleric once. My take on that was that Neutral alignment meant you didn't care strongly about things so obviously my character was a worshiper of Josh, god of apathy.

Anyway, it's good that your characters actually have some connection to your setting instead of being a random bunch of jerks who were just drinking at the bar when stuff started happening. That way there's less chance of you deciding it's someone else's problem when the town burns down. Also you're less likely to kill non-hostile NPCs for their stuff.

WOOOOO BRODUDE HEROMAN RIDES AGAIN!