moimoi
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Post by moimoi on Aug 29, 2022 15:25:40 GMT -5
I caught a commercial for this the last time I was staying in a hotel (since all I watch on the road is HGTV and The Food Network) and I have just binged two seasons' worth during my trial of Discovery+ (originally obtained for Trixie Motel, which is also delightful). Because it combines so many of my favorite things--home design, remodeling, travelogues, public derision--I am now compelled to share my thoughts in an exhaustive manner on this forum for other design obsessives. Also, Retta is the host and she is fantastic, taking up the sassy-black-lady-judging-decor mantle once held so admirably by Niecy Nash (and occasionally Nicole Byer). Each episode visits three semi-final entries from different regions of the country (note: in season 2, Florida is its own region of Ugly) with one finalist chosen. Then from among the finalists, one house is chosen to receive a $150,000 makeover by the lady from Windy City Rehab. Ultimately, I don't think they pick the truly ugliest house so much as the house that needs exactly $150k worth of work (no more and no less) and that the Windy City Rehab lady wants to work on. This is why I must present my own findings, starting with: S1/Episode 1: Getting Ugly in the Midwest - Poseiden's Fortress (my alternate title: Legend of the Should-Be-Hidden Temple) - Staggeringly ugly on the inside, with the added cruelty of ugly features like fake palm trees and a Mayan pyramid cemented into place. "What. The actual fuck." was the correct response to the cobblestone dungeon walls. The homeowners were also entertaining, so a strong first entry. I'm glad it won this heat.
- Mirrored Menagerie - This was extremely outdated and pink, but considering that the owners parents did it intentionally, I see no reason why the owners couldn't undo the tiger-printed toilet seat and mirror fixtures themselves.
- Literal Funeral Home - My favorite name of the episode, but as it suggests, this shouldn't be a residence. They should raze it and build a new house.
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moimoi
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Post by moimoi on Aug 29, 2022 16:22:32 GMT -5
S1/Episode 2: Finding More Ugly in the South - Serpent's Hangar - (alternate title: The Fleshtone Shed) This house makes me want to barf. The exposed spray foam insulation is unacceptable, along with the combination of heat and moisture from the metal roof and cinderblock walls. The pest problem just underscores that the house is not fit for habitation. I'm not sure what these owners were thinking. I think this was the ugliest of the episode, but it would need more than $150k to fix it.
- House with No Secrets - (alternate title: If These Walls Could Talk) I'm glad Retta told it like it was: this house was clearly a brothel. The stains all over the floor, the locks on all the doors, and the cameras everywhere are a dead giveaway. It's not hideously ugly, but rather unsavory, so I can see why it won out.
- The Sunken Place - Best title in describing the house's issues, but you can tell that the owners just haven't put much effort into fixing the fixable. They need an architect to make the space more functional, but overall it's presentable. I like the lavender mosaic in the shower!
S1/Episode 3: Looking for Ugly in the North - The Pyramid House - The carpeting choices were...creative and it's kind of cool to visit, but obviously ridiculous as a home. Waddaya expect from a pyramid-shaped house, though? I think this won because the other houses weren't that bad.
- Preschool - Very ugly inside and out (unless you're a child in the 80s), but it seems like there's a lot that could be salvaged from the preschool retrofit. Plus so much space, total safety, and an amazing playground.
- Kitty Condo - (alternate title: Maxwell Smart Home) This is quirky and kitschy; not ugly. It's also clearly well-maintained, since it has an intact "kitchen center" and a gorgeous (if inexplicably carpeted) pool area. I'm sure it was absolutely cutting-edge in 1971.
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moimoi
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Posts: 5,090
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Post by moimoi on Aug 29, 2022 17:07:31 GMT -5
S1/Episode 4: Searching for Ugly Out West - Jungle House - Umm, I agree with Retta's first impression - this house isn't ugly. It needs serious maintenance, but some of the design elements are really nice, like all the carved wood and indoor greenery. The main kitchen needs to be redone, but then they could turn it into a BnB. I think the only reasons this won is because HGTV/the designer sensed it would be easy to upgrade and the competition was weak.
- The Barn - This is a good diy project for young, first-time homeowners because the issues are mainly with paint and flooring. Is it ugly? Sure, but it would look a lot less barn-like if it wasn't painted red. It's a Fixer-Upper, not an Ugliest House in America.
- Boat House - These boat people aren't even trying. Retta called it: "This boathouse needs a new cruise director." Funny captions though.
S1/Episode 5: From Ugly to Unbelievable IMO, there were really only two contenders among the finalists for Ugliest: Poseidon's Fortress and the House With No Secrets. I was a little surprised that the House With No Secrets won out, but I suppose it makes for a better story to convert a brothel to a home for a young schoolteacher than to just make a nice house for a single mom who's engaged to somebody who could probably help her fix the place herself. As for whats-her-name's makeover, I take issue with her abuse of the term "midcentury". That decor style isn't midcentury; it's transitional with some midcentury pieces. A pink front door with carved panels isn't even kind of midcentury modern. Neither is the hideous landscaping with the planted fountain. The kitchen looks great, though, and the master bath turned out nicely with the upcycled swan faucets. The pool and sunroom are also nice, but I wonder about the wisdom of painting a brick house black in Tennessee - doesn't it get hot there? |
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matt
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Post by matt on Aug 29, 2022 18:08:36 GMT -5
So....... about the house with no secrets. It was bought by a dude who flips houses. It went up on the market not long after the HGTV renovation was complete. That whole backstory was likely bullshit. The house was likely only chosen because it was a cheap fix from HGTV compared to others.
I hate this show, because most people who buy these homes(not all though) can easily afford a decent house. They choose the wacky house because it is a bigger house that is cheaper(like that one with all the different themed rooms), just looking for a free renovation for their own dumbass investment.
The houses that should win will never win, because the renovation required is too involved and too expensive. Then some dick like the owners from house from no secrets gets a free reno and profits.
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moimoi
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Posts: 5,090
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Post by moimoi on Aug 29, 2022 19:24:32 GMT -5
So....... about the house with no secrets. It was bought by a dude who flips houses. It went up on the market not long after the HGTV renovation was complete. That whole backstory was likely bullshit. The house was likely only chosen because it was a cheap fix from HGTV compared to others. I hate this show, because most people who buy these homes(not all though) can easily afford a decent house. They choose the wacky house because it is a bigger house that is cheaper(like that one with all the different themed rooms), just looking for a free renovation for their own dumbass investment. The houses that should win will never win, because the renovation required is too involved and too expensive. Then some dick like the owners from house from no secrets gets a free reno and profits. Ah yes, I always have to suspect HGTV and their production tricks. Thanks for the background info. I admit, there is a touch of hate-watching in my enjoyment of this show, much like with House Hunters. On one hand, you have people who are willing to be publicly shamed on national TV in hopes of getting a free reno (which they only have a 1/12 or 1/15 chance of getting) On the other hand, you have the follies and hubris of previous owners on display, which is something I can relate to as a homeowner myself. I agree, an "ugly" (but usually huge) house is better than no house at all, which is what most non-property-owners have to deal with, but I have less resentment to the homeowners here than I do toward the people on House Hunters, who are almost always some mix of delusional and entitled. |
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moimoi
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Post by moimoi on Aug 30, 2022 11:59:25 GMT -5
I just have to get it out of my system. Season 2 is subtitled, Ugly Homes in Paradise, which admittedly makes the homeowners less sympathetic. With matt's comment in mind, I am re-watching with greater wariness for investors. S2/Episode 1: Homes on the Rocks - Levels on Levels on Levels - Ugly with a capital U and with functionality issues that probably could be resolved in a cool way by a competent architect. Unfortunately, HGTV isn't bringing in architects, they've got whats-her-name, the unimpressive designer/flipper for Windy City Rehab.
- Jailhouse Rock - This is the definition of a bad investment. The house violates every building code and should not be standing--both from a physics perspective and an aesthetic perspective, though it's not ugly on the inside. I can only assume they haven't razed it and built a sound structure adjacent to the rock because the land itself is too hard to build on. This should not have won the round.
- Almost a Chapel (alternate title: Cult Compound) - Definitely one of the ugliest bathrooms I've ever seen - who knew marble could come in such hideous colors. The triangle drawers are also hilarious. I think this would have been the best candidate for a 150k reno among the three, but it might be too big.
S2/Episode 2: Ugly on the Water - The Gray Ghost - Definitely looks like an upturned boat hull, both inside and out. I very much question whether these people live here, though, since the kid's bedroom is gutted and they bought the place "after visiting a few times on vacation". If this is a second home, they don't deserve shit.
- House with No Privacy (alternate title: Hush Hush, Sweet Hut) - The mother is REALLY hamming it up and the daughters' mortified expressions are priceless. They could easily get rid of the beach decor and signs themselves, but I suppose getting rid of the the gross "pecky cypress" and framing would be harder. The outside looks nice otherwise. I guess they win for lack of competition.
- The Green Box - This doesn't need $150k worth of work - mainly just a garden makeover and a bathroom remodel - and the homeowners seem to know it. They even bring in their cute kids to bolster their case but it's not working. They need to call my man Ahmad Hassan over at Yard Crashers.
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moimoi
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Posts: 5,090
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Post by moimoi on Aug 30, 2022 14:19:40 GMT -5
S2/Episode 3: Ugly Homes of the Pacific - Linoleum Showroom - I'm glad this won the round, because I'd love to see what could be done with that space. The RV bathroom fixtures were truly sad. I can only assume it would be expensive and time-consuming to get the place up to LA's probably-very-strict building codes. The homeowners seem cool and I would watch a series about their own remodel, since one is a designer and one is a photographer.
- Knotty Brown Roost (alternate title: Red Room Red Room) What the actual fuck, homeowners. You bought a house without a fucking staircase to the second level?! This kind of stupidity does not deserve a reward. And Retta's deduction that "this was a murder house" doesn't seem off. Having her book displayed is just shameless.
- The Splinter Solstice (alternate title: Hot Hobbit House) I don't think this house is ugly at all! It just needs new paint, flooring, and a reconfigured second floor. I think it's awesome that it has a solarium; they're just not the right homeowners to appreciate it.
S2/Episode 4: Desert Disasters - The Litter Box - Oh, this one needs a bulldozer. Or an arsonist. Or an exorcism. Seriously. There is no reason to salvage a urine-scented hovel on such beautiful land. Just build a new house, dammit!
- Unwelcome to the Terrordome - Another investment property. No one needs to live in a 7k sq. ft. geodesic dome. They built it to rent out so they have no one to blame for the fiasco but themselves. Fuck these old hippies. They didn't deserve to win this round. They deserve nothing but shame.
- That 70s House - Again, this guy had every opportunity to update his own house and he hasn't. The dad admits he's done nothing with the house in 50 years; now his daughter probably wants to sell so he's agreed to update if they can get it for free. At least pull up the damn carpeting in the bathroom and cut the bushes back.
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moimoi
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Posts: 5,090
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Post by moimoi on Aug 30, 2022 15:04:32 GMT -5
S2/Episode 5: Ugly Homes of the Pacific - The Inconvenient Dollhouse - The owner is creepy and way too into the process of trashing his house. For $150k though, I don't think such a unique house is a bad investment. A lot of it isn't ugly - it's just overdone. Or "fascinating" as Retta says repeatedly. He's clearly not the right owner for this house, but it would be great for a historical cosplayer/lolita/MPDG. It's very instagram/music video friendly, if not exactly livable. I wouldn't change a thing!
- Funky Fake Lakefront - Bad second home investment by lazy homeowners. It's not even particularly ugly, just dated and it has a mold problem. Next!
- The Crapful Chapel - The couple has good intentions and they've done a lot of work, but the decision to live in a church basement is questionable. They are probably the most deserving of these three, but I'm not sure an old church can actually be called ugly. Plus it would take more then 150K to make it both a functional home AND community center.
S2/Episode 6: Perfect for Paradise If Joanna Gaines' go-to style is blindingly h-w-h-white, than Audrey or whoever's go-to is B&W + walnut stain. And green cabinets. Pinterest, basically. At least the landscaping is better on this one. And the kitchen looks great. The daughter's bedroom is way too pink, though, and the fact that the other daughter doesn't get a reaction is telling. I feel bad for the girls with their embarrassing mom. |
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matt
Grandfathered In
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Post by matt on Aug 30, 2022 15:23:22 GMT -5
So....... about the house with no secrets. It was bought by a dude who flips houses. It went up on the market not long after the HGTV renovation was complete. That whole backstory was likely bullshit. The house was likely only chosen because it was a cheap fix from HGTV compared to others. I hate this show, because most people who buy these homes(not all though) can easily afford a decent house. They choose the wacky house because it is a bigger house that is cheaper(like that one with all the different themed rooms), just looking for a free renovation for their own dumbass investment. The houses that should win will never win, because the renovation required is too involved and too expensive. Then some dick like the owners from house from no secrets gets a free reno and profits. Ah yes, I always have to suspect HGTV and their production tricks. Thanks for the background info. I admit, there is a touch of hate-watching in my enjoyment of this show, much like with House Hunters. On one hand, you have people who are willing to be publicly shamed on national TV in hopes of getting a free reno (which they only have a 1/12 or 1/15 chance of getting) On the other hand, you have the follies and hubris of previous owners on display, which is something I can relate to as a homeowner myself. I agree, an "ugly" (but usually huge) house is better than no house at all, which is what most non-property-owners have to deal with, but I have less resentment to the homeowners here than I do toward the people on House Hunters, who are almost always some mix of delusional and entitled. All of House Hunters is fake, so even hate watching is not real! It sucks, because they just have to make up excuses for why they are not choosing houses. I actually chose my realtor based off an HGTV show(not house hunters) and she spilled the beans on everything, though I did know already House Hunters had a lot of bullshit to it, but not exact exact details. She would never do House Hunters. ETA: I didn't really choose my realtor based off the show, moreso the fact she worked with lots of Military buyers, so she knew how a VA loan worked inside and out, plus she was in the military herself. So very easy to get ducks in a row. |
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Post by Pedantic Editor Type on Aug 30, 2022 15:38:53 GMT -5
Ahh who cares though House Hunters is still fun to watch and yell at. Moimoi, I'm enjoying your commentary.  |
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matt
Grandfathered In
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Post by matt on Aug 30, 2022 20:10:56 GMT -5
Ahh who cares though House Hunters is still fun to watch and yell at. Moimoi, I'm enjoying your commentary. I still watch House Hunters, but some of the fun is took out when knowing the full ins and outs. |
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moimoi
AV Clubber
Posts: 5,090
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Post by moimoi on Jul 7, 2023 9:40:48 GMT -5
Season 3 is up and I'm watching the shit out of it! Updates forthcoming...
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