Food Crimes

The only steak I've ever eaten is flank steak that has been seared to the point of rubber. That's how my mom would make it, and that's all I knew. By the time I'd have been wise enough to realize what a good steak could be, I'd given up red meat. At this point in my life, I don't like the taste of beef anymore (though I've started eating lamb and some pork). Basically, I'll never have a good steak.

Foodie mommy bloggers are the worst, but recently I've noticed the rise of foodie daddy bloggers, who are also the worst. 

"Today we're going to be talking about panko-crusted walleye. Why? Because that shit is crunchy as fuck and you know I'm all about that mouthfeel. Just rub that fish all over with my hella tight spice mix, roll it in panko, toss it in the oven, and bake that shit like a motherfucker. Don't got panko? Just grab some Italian bread crumbs and go to town. You do you, you magnificent beast."

Wait, so is this the infamous clam chowder friend from Thanksgiving? She underseasons chicken too? 

I hadn't really been aware of the "unseasoned chicken" thing being an epidemic among, um, people of my shade until just this past year. And of all meats to unseason, chicken has to be the worst. It just tastes so gross without it. Years and years ago when my wife and I first started dating we were visiting her parents and her mom made dinner: baked, skinless, unseasoned chicken breasts with no fat at all on them. They were bone white, flavorless, and dry. It was a very trying time for us. 

Anyways. I'm sure I have some food crimes I will unleash later that will alienate me from everyone here, but I don't remember any right now. 

UNANNOUNCED MAYONNAISE. So many times mayo will just be on a sandwich even when they list every other ingredient, but surprise, weird ass egg shit I didn't ask for!

Should this be in the "can't help but say yikes" thread instead?  I'm not sure my brain works anymore after looking at that link.

Probably something that's surprisingly not horrible when you make it, but you never would because you have a shred of human dignity and pride in yourself.

In high school, I made dinner for my band, and the keyboard player was practically gagging on the pasta and sauce I had made. It turns out that not only did his mom only buy the no-sodium jarred sauces, but she didn't even salt the pasta water. I haven't thought about this in years, but damn.
What kind of non-Indians are you trying to teach? Do they have any sort of spice background, or are they the stereotypical Midwestern white person who is afraid of any sort of colored seasoning?

Now that I think of it, the only friends who’ve expressed an interest in learning to cook Indian food are Japanese and black, respectively. This could be because my white friends are really midwestern and afraid of spice or it could be because they know white folks have already done enough harm to indian culture without adding food crimes to the list (I mean “chai tea” should be punishable by death). I see why the Japanese are into it: virtually no spices are indigenous to Japan so food that is at once exotic, healthy, and aesthetically impressive appeals to their food-obsessed culture. My black friends are already fairly well-versed in spice, especially if they’re from the Caribbean, but I think they like Indian food more in theory than in practice. Maybe it’s the ingredients? I think what is comes down to, and what a lot of responses suggest, is that you have to know what something is supposed to taste like to make it really tasty, and if you were raised on non-seasoned food that’s difficult to develop.

PET & Shulkie (and anybody else who is interested) - the thing about Indian food is that it's not really recipe-based; it's all technique. I have a couple cookbooks (including one signed by Madhur Jaffrey) but the ingredients and measurements are only a suggestion. The repertoire I've learned from aunties is all from practice. They never measure or write anything down. Depending on the climate, available ingredients, and family preferences, dishes can be cooked with a great deal of variation and still be 'authentic' as long as they come from Subcontinental hands (and yes, the corollary to this is that, in my opinion, anything cooked by non-brown hands for non-brown people is, by definition, not 'authentic' - might still be tasty, but it's not the real deal any more than my homemade pasta is authentically Italian).

My recipe for restaurant-quality 1 pot chicken korma calls for a package of chicken (approx 1 lb. or more of one's desired cut - I prefer leg or boneless thigh), a yellow onion of desired size, and a small carton of plain yogurt (approx. 1 pint, preferably greek, with some fat content).

For spices you will need at a minimum: 1TBSP turmeric powder, 1TBSP garlic powder, 1TBSP ginger powder, 1tsp-1 heaping TBSP red chili powder, 1tsp - 1 TBSP salt (preferably sea salt). Some people also like to add cumin or coriander or garam masala ("hot mix") but moifam ain't got time for that stinky shit. Furthermore, most aunties keep a jar of ginger paste, garlic paste, or ginger/garlic paste in the fridge as it is the basis of every Indian dish. Personally, I don't like the preservatives or lack thereof in these pastes, plus I find them hard to balance with other ingredients. For the same reason, I definitely don't recommend freshly grinding your ginger, garlic and/or turmeric. It will completely fuck up the flavor. Powdered ingredients are weak, you say? Not if you know how to use them...

Start with a little oil in the saucepan - maybe 2-3 TBSP of something healthy like EVO or vegetable oil on medium heat. Add to this your diced yellow onion and stir until it sweats. (NOTE: in tropical climates where refrigeration is poor, they use more than twice as much oil and add the onion later, essentially frying the onion. This is why a lot of Indian takeaway food is so greasy and bad). Once the bits of onion get soft and a bit translucent, add the turmeric, ginger, garlic, and red chili (I shake them up in a little tupperware and note the color to ensure I've got a balanced mix. It should be medium brown like a cardboard box. If it's too yellow with turmeric the sauce might be bitter; if it's too white with ginger the sauce might be astringent; if it's too garlicky or too hot, you might still get away with it). Now the most important step: you must toast the spices for at least a few minutes - the longer the better. You do this by coating the onions in the spice mix and stirring good. Once it's smelling delicious, sear your chicken in the spice and onion mix and add salt to taste. I say 1tsp minimum, but more like 1TBSP. You may turn up the heat to cook the chicken faster, but make sure to stir so that the onions don't scald. Once the chicken is at least 75% cooked, turn the heat down and stir in your yogurt. You will see the whole mix turn golden yellow. Continue to cook on medium/covered if you're in a hurry, medium/uncovered if you want a thicker sauce, or low/covered if you want nice rich flavor. At this point, you should cut off a tip of chicken and taste it - you can add salt or red pepper as needed, but that's it. You want at least 5-10 minutes of simmering, stirring occasionally before turning off the stove and letting it sit for a few minutes. I usually serve over IMPORTED basmati rice, as texmati is another criminal offense that tastes nothing like the thing it's supposed to be for people who clearly don't know better. 

Anyway, here it is: 

Omg, thank you, moimoi! I love chicken korma and also agree with you that Texmati rice is a sin. You said you aren't a fan of ginger paste in a jar (I have used it before and agree with you), but what are your feelings on the squeeze-tube ginger? IIRC it only has a little salt and citric acid to keep it fresh. I've used it for some other dishes and it's worked well.

The issues I have with ginger paste and garlic paste are concentration and consistency. To get a good 'masala', you want everything to dissolve and for the flavors to blend to the point that they create a new flavor greater than the sum of its parts. If the ginger paste has salt or citric acid, then it can throw off your salt balance or enhance the bitterness of the turmeric. Some pastes also have chunks of ginger or garlic, which do not dissolve at the same rate as everything else  - burnt garlic chunks will definitely throw off the flavor of the sauce. I know this is where a western chef would bust out the food processor, grind fresh ingredients into a sauce consistency, and then throw the mix back onto the chicken, but that's kind of the antithesis of how you make 'authentic' Indian food. In 'curry' dishes, you have to build up from oil and onions. Using paste will add to the oiliness, which you don't really need in korma, since you're adding yogurt later. Korma is supposed to be creamy and rich, so that's why I think powder really is the best way to go. 

Thank you for the advice! I've cooked one or two Indian dishes from scratch before, so I'm not as familiar with the effect of ginger/garlic paste on it; I know what's good for one style of cooking isn't always good for another, which is why I asked for clarification. I personally have no objection to dried/powdered herbs and spices in general, and I know we have all these things at home! Except turmeric, but my understanding is it's best when fresh anyway.

I feel like there should be a "moimoi teaches fuckin whiteys to make Indian food" thread, because I'd love that.

Post one could be about what the hell I do with this box of dessicated mango powder. I used it to make a channa curry once but lost the recipe.

I learned Indian cooking from an old lady, born in Kenya but raised in an exclusively Indian neighborhood/community. Lovely woman. She was the main kitchen witch at the Lebanese restaurant where I worked for 10+ years, and every Thursday we'd do an Indian buffet - and by 'we' I mean me and Farida. It really was a proper master/apprentice relationship, with all the scolding and taking to task - good lord that woman had a shrill and piercing way of expressing her displeasure. Anyway, we would always use fresh ginger and garlic, painstakingly ground into a smooth paste using a big stone mortar and pestle by yours truly. She had no respect at all for the food processor.

So food crimes? I opened a bag of raw chicken at the restaurant that smelled like rotten meat, and Farida INSISTED that I just rinse it off, and that if it still smelled I should put a little bleach on it, and just WHO DID I THINK I WAS to object. I had to get the boss, who told me to throw it away. I was in so much trouble with her for like three weeks after that.