Season 2 Episode 3: A Serf in Sheep's Clothing (January 31, 2021)Game Master: sarapen Players: Bomo Frugglemop (
Nudeviking ), Cosgrove Ashmore (
Baron von Costume ), "Dame" Goha (
patbat ), Peak Dartbox (
Celebith )
Location: The Palace of Birdsong
After an expertly foiled assassination attempt via Home Alone style antics the guests made their way to the banquet hall for what was sure to be an extravagant feast. As everyone was seated Lord Guy Who Has Clearly Roofied Multiple Women (pictured below) stood up and proceeded to mock the party of heroes for wearing less than resplendent attire to the banquet.
Fortunately Peak Dartbox was quick with a quip and replied that they had intended to change before the party but their room was occupied by Lord Sex Criminal who was hard at work polishing his lance and so they came to the party as they were. Peak then pantomimed someone polishing a lance causing some light titters of stifled laughter. Bomo, not being particularly well-versed in courtly life guffawed and pointed at the red-faced Lord.
Servants soon appeared dressed in sheep costumes and carrying platters heaped with heaps of meat heaps. Peak turned to the Honorary Tribune Piscum and asked her if this was stand practice here at the Birdsong Palace.
"Nope. This is the first time I've ever seen it," she replied.
Someone muttered under their breath that what we were seeing was clearly someone's fetish. Bomo meanwhile took some solace that it was just classism on display as the servants parading about dressed as farm animals were not solely halflings.
As the guests and their host, Baron Bartleby Lothheed, dined they made small talk amongst themselves. Goha chatted up Bartleby about "the wiz-biz" to try and ingratiate herself towards him since that seemed to be the only topic of conversation that did not piss him off. At the other end of the table, Bomo chatted up Rotoscoped Aragorn about the scar on her face. Rotoscoped Aragorn liked that Bomo was a straight shooter and didn't beat around the bush and told her that she got stabbed in the face by a tribesman while doing some light colonialism in High Fantasy Africa in her youth. Bomo told her that she knew all about scars earned in youth and told the old woman how when she was a child she was made to fight a half-starved lion in a cage for an extra bowl of gruel. Rotoscoped Aragon/Margaret Thatcher did not entirely believe her.
Peak Dartbox had discussed some of the issues plaguing the township they would soon be responsible for with Piscum and she finally seemed to be receptive towards him and told her that there were countless matters both large and small that needed to be handled and she would happily draw up a list for him after the gala if Peak and his companions were truly serious about improve the lives of those living in the village.
With that matter dealt with Peak then decided to talk to Idris Elba about fixing pump houses. While Idris did not know any licensed plumbers in the area he told Peak to make absolutely sure to get all the proper paperwork before beginning the renovations and also make sure whatever work they do on the pump house is up to code.
Cosgrove meanwhile asked the Baron about the Night Swan that had attempted to assassinate him with a Home Alone trap earlier in the evening, Bartleby scowled, "Just some peasant bandit who thinks too highly of themselves. There's always one of them running about stirring up trouble. It's why you have to occasionally slap the small folk about so to speak...to make sure none of them get any big ideas. Hopefully you'll do the same once you start to rule over your Barony. I wouldn't want it to become a problem area for the province."
Cosgrove nodded, "I'm sure it won't come to that with your rather splendid advice and guidance."
Eventually the servants began to clear away the plates then the folding card tables that had been set up for the lesser nobles and less esteemed guests, clearing the ballroom. Baron Bartleby stood and clapped his hands excitedly before declaring that he had arranged a most splendid amusement for the guests: a great race. He clapped his hands again and a troupe of halflings dressed in ill fitting garments meant to bring to mind heroes of Taldor's past emerged riding in ludicrous chariots pulled by sad looking dogs.
"And here comes the racism..." Bomo said under her breath as servants began passing out satchels of colored powder for the party guests to hurl at the halflings.
It might have been the countless cups of wine she'd downed but the sight of her people capering about while a bunch of rich idiots pointed at them and howled with laughter annoyed her to no end. She slam back her wine and the stood and bellowed, "This is fucking bullshit! You make these people dress up like clowns and race for your amusement while you sit here and huck this powder shit at them. Not a single one of you would be willing to do what you're making them do and that's completely fucked! You know what, send one of 'em away and I'll take their place."
Bartleby scowled at Bomo for bringing down the mood of the banquet but sent one of the halfling racers away all the same. Bomo took her place in the chariot and waited for the race to begin. The guests began placing bets on which racer they thought would emerge victorious. A number of guests began to place bets that Bomo would win, but Cosgrove, having spent the past few weeks in Bomo's company knew better than to bet on her actually succeeding and bet against her.
As the chariots lined up at the starting line Bomo, in halflingese implored the other racers to just half-ass it and ruin the fun of the rich fucks at the party. Her words largely fell on deaf ears though one of the racers seemed to take them to heart. The race began and the party-goers began hurling the sacks of powder at the racers.
Peak Dartbox attempted to cause his satchel to explode in the general vicinity of Lord Roofie Fan but merely succeeded in dropping them. Cosgrove was more successful with his satchel as he hurled it and drilled Bomo with it causing her one party dress to become covered with brightly colored chalk dust. Bomo continued to plead with the other racers and managed to sway a second to half-ass it. The one she'd convinced earlier, meanwhile, intentionally crashed her chariot.
More satchels of powder were hurled at the servants as they raced around the ballroom and in the end Cosgrove earned himself a small amount of money by betting against Bomo who finished second after a racer dressed as General Porthmos. Bomo congratulated the racers and then took out her coin purse and handed each of them a platinum piece as well as one for the racer whose place she had taken.
"Quit this fucking job," she told them as she handed them the coins, "You could do something far less degrading than working for this lance polisher." The halflings took the coins and thanked her before running off.
Cosgrove attempted to smooth things over with Bartleby, "I'm sorry for my acquaintance's outburst earlier. You know how some halflings can be..."
Bartleby chuckled, "Yes of course. I saw you pelted her quite splendidly during the race. Hopefully she thinks twice before getting so uppity again."
The hall was once more cleaned by servants who swept up the random splotches of colored chalk dust from the exploded satchels hurled by the party-goers and Bartleby again clapped his hands, "I hope you all enjoyed that most splendid race. Now, my dear friends, we will have some music for dancing for those of you who enjoy such frivolities while there will be cards in the back for those looking for a bit more excitement."
A band began to play as party-goers made their way onto the dance floor or towards the card table that had been set up towards the back of the hall. Goha and Cosgrove headed towards the card table with Bartleby and several other gamblers to spend the evening playing Lost Aslan or something while Peak prestidigitated the stains from Bomo's dress before the two of them looked for dance partners.
Peak Dartbox asked the Honorary Tribune Piscum to dance with him and though she was somewhat less than enthralled to do so did join him on the dance floor. Peak was something of an expert dancer and would have been able to waltz with a broom and make it look good and was therefore able to lead the Honorary Tribune Piscum through a rather splendid dance that impressed a number of the party-goers that happened to see it.
Bomo meanwhile asked Dame Crabbe's emo Snow White of a daughter to dance and though she was somewhat shy she did agree to it and joined Bomo on the dance floor. Bomo complimented the younger Crabbe's dance skills and asked her where she'd learned to dance and for the first time that day the younger Crabbe actually spoke, telling Bomo that she'd taken dance lessons since she was a child.
At the card table Goha and Cosgrove played Lost Aslan which one could only assume that was a bizarre Blackjack & Magic: The Gathering hybrid of some sort with Bartleby and several other nobles. Though the cards were not in their favor the pair of heroes were able to further endear themselves towards the host of this shindig, Baron Bartleby Lotheed.
The band concluded their first song and Peak Dartbox bowed to the Honorary Tribune Piscum and thanked her for the dance before making his way over to Dame Crabbe. He had just started to ask her if she'd like to dance when suddenly there was a commotion and murmurs from the revelers as a Helen Miran looking older woman entered the ballroom and approached Peak Dartbox and asked him to dance.
"Who's that?" Bomo asked the younger Crabbe, pointing to the sexy grandma that was now dancing with Bomo's traveling companion.
"She's Baron Bartleby's aunt, Duchess Veleto Lotheed," replied the younger Crabbe.
"Do you know anything about her?" Bomo asked.
"Just that she's really old...like 50 something," replied Septsina Crabbe.
Over at the card table Baron Bartleby Lotheed looked annoyed at the presence of his aunt and Cosgrove asking about her did not seem to improve his mood in the slightest.
"She's not a GILF! She's just an old lady who is easily confused and I DO NOT like her coming out here and dancing with a pretty boy like that!" Bartleby seethed as he pointed towards Peak and his Aunt dancing rather lewdly while the band played "Rumpshaker."
As the song ended he stood and excused himself and then crossed the dance floor to where his aunt stood. He took her by the hand and said, "Aunt Veleto you've had enough fun for the evening. Come let's get you back to your quarters," and then lead her away.
Peak shrugged and decided to see if the band would let him do a guest spot and sing a song about how awesome the Lotheed family was. If anything would put him in their good graces it would certainly be flattery via song and so he began to sing. Bomo bowed to Septsina Crabbe and wandered over to the bar where the Honorary Tribune Piscum was drinking.
"You're in charge of the village my mang Cosgrove is supposed to be running now right?" she asked the half-elf woman.
"That I am," replied Piscum as she drank her pina colada.
"I was wondering if you could tell me where a proper pub is with like one silver Natty Ices and stuff like that," Bomo asked her, "I don't really do well with this sort of puffy shirted nonsense."
Piscum replied, "Well, the village is pretty small so there's not really a proper pub but one of the farmers sort of runs a tavern out of their front room where people get together to drink and play darts and stuff like that. You'll find it pretty easily once you come to town."
"So I'm guessing there aren't any brothels or gambling dens either then?" asked Bomo.
"No. I suppose you could try opening one but I'm not sure there's a large enough demand for either to succeed if I'm being honest."
"How about the regular folks? Are there aid societies or orphanages or things like that to take care of people having a hard time?"
Piscum shook her head, "The Baron over there is supposed to be responsible for that but as you saw earlier he doesn't really care all that much about the wellbeing of the common folk."
"Well, that will change under my friends and I," Bomo said.
"I hope it does."
Back at the card table, Bartleby had returned after sending his hot aunt off to bed. Cosgrove, realizing that Bartleby's aunt was a sore subject for some reason, decided to change the topic and talk about how enjoyable the game of cards had been. Bartleby seemed pleased but said that unfortunately the burden of governance did not leave much time for playing cards or Eurogames about trains or really any sort of leisure activities which was why the Tanager Jubilee was such a big deal for the nobles.
As the party was winding down Peak asked the band if he could sing one last song with them. They were more than happy to let him and so he began to sing a ballad about how great Princess Eutropia was. He hoped that the right people would hear it but also that the lyrics were vague enough for plausible deniability should such things be necessary.
