Who wants to play D&D online again?

Crap, I forgot that was this weekend. Well, I don't think I'll still be having a family dinner at 9 pm so it should be fine on my end.

Season 2 Episode 5: Eyes Wide Shut (April 4, 2021)
Game Master: sarapen
Players: Bomo Frugglemop (Nudeviking), Cosgrove Ashmore (Baron von Costume), "Dame" Goha (patbat ), Peak Dartbox (Celebith)
Location: The Asparagus Woods & The Palace of Birdsong

The party was still in the asparagus-filled wilds of the woods near the Palace of Birdsong with a peasant bleeding out before them. Peak cast a healing spell with a quickness to stabilize the man. As the peasant came too he looked at the party with fear in his eyes, but he was quickly calmed as the party explained that they had no desire to Most Dangerous Game his ass instead they talked to him about what his entire deal is. 

He told them that he was accused of attempting to poison the count after selling him butter that the count thought tasted funny. He said that he lived on the rotoscoped Aragon lady's lands and she apparently attempted to intervene on his behalf but Count Bartleby was a total dick. Peak asked about the man's dairy farm and he offered to provide the party with free milk and butter if they ever visited but they told him that they would happily pay for anything he gave them. The party then asked the dude if he could get back to his place and he said that he could so they gave him some rations and coins and sent him on his way.

With that taken care of the party tried to figure out a way to get the slain manticore back to the Palace of Birdsong. It was far too heavy to carry back by hand and too potentially valuable to attempt to cut up for parts out in the woods without any sort of relative expertise. So the party fashioned a rough sledge using saplings and branches and wild asparaguses and began to drag the great beast back.

It was dark by the time that they arrived back at the palace. So late was their arrival that the prize for the best hunter was being awarded to Chad Lotheed for capturing two peasants as they dragged the manticore's corpse onto the lawn of the palace. While everyone who saw the great beast they slew was duly impressed there was apparently a "no take-backs" rule with regards to awards for peasant hunting and so Chad was allowed to keep his prize: a small jade figurine of a bear.

THE PARTY WILL REMEMBER THAT.

The party needed to decide what to do with the corpse of the manticore they had dragged back to the palace and so summoned Bomo's trainer, Ol' Scruddy. He had been a woodsman in his youth and possessed some knowledge of woodcraft. Scruddy looked the great beast over and determined that alchemists and wizards would pay a decent sum for some of the creature's parts but if the beast were to be taxidermied and mounted it would probably be worth a bit more. Not wanting to make the decision immediately the party decided to send Scruddy ahead with the body to their manorhouse as they would be leaving the Palace of Birdsong in the morning anyway.

Cosgrove, being the party member best liked by Count Bartleby, asked the count about renting a wagon and a team of horses. The Count agreed and once the manticore's body was loaded into the wagon he set off and everyone else headed back to their chambers to freshen up for dinner.

After some awkwardness in which the party invited their hunting guide, Purple Finch, to bathe with them and were promptly refused, the party freshened up and made their way to the dining hall for a dinner of something or other. Whatever it was it was hearty and fit for rugged woodsy types, none of which were actually seated at the table since they were all rich fucks who lived lives of luxury.

During dinner the party attempted to chat up the other movers and shakers of Merat county with rather mixed results. Goha attempted to talk with the Count about the manticore the party had slain but before she could say a single word let flee a fart so loud and obvious that she just hung her head in shame. Bomo, meanwhile, attempted to talk to Lady Rotoscoped Aragon about how impressive it was that she'd attempted to free the peasant who was wrongfully accused of poisoning Bartleby and forced into the stupid Suriviving the Game hunt but Bomo was a child of the streets and thus lacked even the proper subservience that all halfling parents impress upon their children and therefore put her foot in her mouth in such a way that Rotoscoped Aragon assumed the halfling was attempting to threaten her. 

Fortunately Cosgrove and Peak Dartbox were far more eloquent and were able to smooth things over with the aggrieved nobles (for the most part).

Dinner was otherwise uneventful and as the dishes were cleared away the Director of Mandatory Fun explained that guests would have an hour to rest in their chambers before the grand finale of the Jubilee: the masquerade. Everyone returned to their chambers and changed into their finest attire and creepiest Eyes Wide Shut orgy masks and then returned to the ballroom for the masquerade.



There was music and dancing but more than that there was a talent show in which the nobles performed dances and various stage magic tricks. Someone probably did a tight five of standup. The nobles then implored the newcomers from the city to put on a show. Fortunately Peak Dartbox was, by trade, a performer, and thus performed a stirring song that the crowd quite enjoyed.

Elsewhere a drunk, rowdy Bomo challenged Chad Lotheed to a wrestling match: freestyle, Greco-Roman, or arm the choice was entirely up to Chad. Chad initially turned her down but Bomo and Goha mocked him for his cowardice and he eventually relented. Bets were soon placed and Chad decided to put 20 gold pieces on himself to win.

"You must not like your chances of winning if that's all you're willing to bet!" Bomo said mockingly, "Why not make it interesting and put that jade bear up?"

Chad refused so again Bomo and Goha mocked his cowardice until he relented and put the jade bear up. And so the match began. The two circle and there was an early feeling out process as the two swatted at each other, each hoping the other would make a mistake they could capitalize upon. Luckily for Bomo, Chad was the first to make such a mistake as he left himself open as he lunged at her. Bomo was quick to shoot in with a double leg take down.

She twisted his knee and asked if he was going to give it up but Chad refused. He struggled to get free of Bomo but her grip was solid. Again she wrenched his knee and asked him if he was going to yield. Chad bellowed he would not and again tried to shake free of Bomo but failed. By this point Bomo tired of messing around with the skeevy Chad and floated over into a pinning position and pinned him to the floor for a count of three winning the match and the jade bear.

Those who witnessed it cheered the display of performative violence. Bomo offered to help Chad to his feet with a "Good game..." but Chad was a poor sport and slapped her hand away and then stormed off.

"You want to impress Dame Crabbe's daughter?" Goha asked Bomo as she dusted off her dress and smoothed her skirts out.

"Of course."

"Let me have that jade bear," Goha said.

Bomo handed it to Goha who walked over to Dame Crabbe and her daughter and then said, "My friend over there won this rather splendid jade bear and thought it would pair quite splendidly with your daughter's eyes. I am a jewelcrafter by trade and would be more than happy to fashion a broch or Flava Flav style clock necklace out of it for you if you would accept it."

Dame Crabbe chuckled and thanked Goha before saying that they had more than enough jewelry back home that was far more suitable than the gaudy jade bear. Goha bowed slightly and returned to Bomo and apologized. Both were glad that Chad had stormed off and thus missed the rather tremendous fashion in which they'd struck out.

Elsewhere the avant garde talent show continued. Cosgrove had a servant fetch him a bucket of the most dirt, leaf filled, water on the top of a pool cover at the end of winter water available. A few minutes later the servant returned with a bucket filled to the brim with so nasty-ass water.

Cosgrove said that since it was Easter Weekend he'd delight the crowd with some real Christlike miracle nonsense. He then waved his hands above the bucket and soon the sludge water contained within was transmogrified into Cosgrove's Bubbly Reserves. The rest of the masquerade was spent chugging Cosgrove's Bubbly Reserves until it was time for bed.

Everyone slept well and in the morning soft boiled eggs and white wine were sent to each of the guests rooms for breakfast. It was pretty clear both from the choice of food and the fact that it was sent to everyone's room rather than turned into some elaborate deal that Count Bartleby wanted everyone to clear out so the party ate their eggs and downed their wine and then prepared to depart.

As the left the other guests all told Cosgrove that he simply must come and visit sometime soon but outside of Dame Crabbe who insisted Cosgrove and his entourage visit for tea in one week's time none of them seemed like they actually wanted him to actually visit. Count Bartleby too invited Cosgrove to visit and discuss the wiz biz whenever he liked. Goha, who had received a similar invitation two days earlier, wondered if she had been uninvited after farting in front of the Count at dinner last night.

As they approached their carriage to depart for their next adventure, Rotoscoped Aragon approached them and out of earshot of the Count told them she appreciated that they let their quarry go during the hunt. She looked favorably upon the party for their base level humanity and this was more than enough to cause the party to level up!

No, sorry, I don't have that book nor read it and would rather not mix two different editions together.

Should we set a date for our next session?  May 22nd is graduation here, but other than that, my Saturdays should be pretty open, unless I somehow have to bring my daughter home from school another Saturday.

Well, the 15th would be too early for me and since the 22nd is out, how about May 29th?


Nudeviking patbat Baron von Costume

29th probably works, I may be on call though which might mean a quick disappearance if work summons.

Season 2 Episode 6: A Haunting? (May 29, 2021)
Game Master: sarapen
Players: Bomo Frugglemop (Nudeviking ), Cosgrove Ashmore (Baron von Costume ), "Dame" Goha (patbat ), Peak Dartbox (Celebith )
Location: The Town/Village/Hamlet/Burg of Stachys

The party set off from the Palace of Birdsong early in the morning to make their way to Stachys and the manorhouse they had fraudulently taken possession of as part of their scheme to get Princess Eutropia onto the throne. The trip, which took several hours, was largely uneventful and the party of heroes arrived in Stachys unmolested by highwaymen, wandering merchants, or 1d4 of whatever generic low level D&D humanoid monster makes Oppara home.

A sign at the entrance to town declared, "Welcome to Syachys! Population: 66." With the heroes now making Stachys their home for the foreseeable future they would have to see about getting that changed. They decided to first travel to their manorhouse to, if for no other reason, than to drop off their baggage and change out of formal attire. The town they passed through was in a pretty sorry state with a number of buildings abandoned and all of them rundown. The streets were unpaved and pockmarked with potholes. The carriage made its way up a hill to the manorhouse and upon stepping out of the carriage it was clear to the party that the manorhouse too was somewhat rundown from years of disuse, though they were surprised it wasn't more rundown than it actually was.

Cosgrove took the key Martella had given them on the ride up from Oppara to the Palace of Birdsong out of his pocket and headed up to the front gate to see if it worked. As he started to walk towards the gate he heard a voice call out from behind him and turned to see the Honorary Pisscum coming up the walk.

"Well I guess you actually came here after all," she said in a less than friendly fashion, "I suppose I should tell you that people say this house is haunted and they say that sometimes at night they can see the lights on from down in the village even though no one has lived here for ten years. On the bright side the ghosts or whatever have kept the place from being looted but if it really is haunted you four are probably fucked since there's not really an inn or anything of that sort back in town. Well I got a bar to get back to running so smell ya later..."

Pisscum headed back towards the random assemblege of buildings that constituted the town and Cosgrove unlocked the gate. The key worked at least. The party then headed into the manorhouse and began to look around. The interior was a mess of boxes and crates and furniture with canvas coverings strewn about. Messy? Sure, but haunted? Unlikely.

While Cosgrove looked around down on the ground floor, Goha, Bomo and Peak went upstairs in order to call dibs on various bedrooms. They decided that Cosgrove should probably get the master bedroom in the event that he had to bed some noblewoman as part of this ruse. The jig would be up in a flash if they found out he was sleeping in the linen closet. So they picked among themselves from the remaining rooms and were stashing their fancy party gowns and costume jewelry when they heard banging and a cry of surprise from Cosgrove from down in the sitting room.

They scurried down and there in the sitting room they saw furniture and boxes swirling about in a vortex. Perhaps Pisscum hadn't been trying to scare them after all. Goha cast some spells trying to determine what was causing this paranormal activity and worked out that whatever was causing it was coming from the basement.

The party, living in a world where horror movies do not exist, went straight down into the basement, oblivious to the death that was surely awaiting them down below. At the bottom of the stairs Bomo thought she saw a small shape scurry into the shadows but she couldn't make out what it was. She shouted a bunch of profanity at whatever it was and vowed to murder the shit out of it if it didn't knock off the poltergeist shit right away. She suddenly felt weird, as if someone or something had tried to cast a spell on her but nothing seemed to actually happen to her. She laughed and told who or whatever had just attempted to cast a spell on her that their lousy spells had no effect on her but she was sure that her fists would have an effect on them.

Peak decided to try a different tact and play "good cop" to Bomo's "bad cop," and told the as yet unseen assailant that in spite Bomo's earlier statements to the contrary they didn't actually want to hurt them and just wanted to come to an accord of some sort. Suddenly a small hairy creature emerged from the shadows it was smaller even than Bomo who howled with laughter at the sight of the ludicrous humanoid. Two more emerged from behind it.



Goha, having taken Intro to Supernatural Creatures at the Oppara Community College, recognized the creature right away as a domovoy, a sort of house spirit that would perform odd jobs around a house and protect it from intruders in exchange for food and a bit of clothing.

The lead domovoy explained that they were friends with Alice (Cosgrove's fake aunt) since she was a small child and did not take kindly to intruders to her house. Bomo cut straight to the chase and told them that Alice was dead and her nephew was the new owner of the house and asked them to kindly fuck off forever. They were prepared to leave for good but Peak stepped in and was a tad more diplomatic, telling them that Bomo just wanted them to stop tossing crates around and they were more than welcome to stay if they promised not to be a nuisance. They agreed to this and then said that since everyone was now friends they had a treasure that they'd found and wanted to give to Alice but since she was not coming back Peak could have it. One of the domovoy then scurried off and returned a moment later with a clearly magically long sword. Peak, being the sole party member who knew how to use a sword with any proficiency became the owner of the blade. He thanked the domovoy and then Goha, using her 100 level community college course knowledge of domovoy asked them what sort of food they'd like to have left out for them.

"Oh just a pail of whiskey once in a while I suppose," said one of the domovoy.

Bomo suddenly felt sad she'd threatened to murder the tiny alcoholic creatures and hoped that before all was said and done they could become drinking buddies.

With the haunting taken care of the party decided to head back into town and pay a visit to the Honorary Pisscum's tavern and get a drink. As they walked down the hill to the tavern it became clear just how destitute the hamlet actually was. They really had their work cut out for them if they were going to turn things around for the people Stachys. They walked into the public house, which soon revealed itself to be little more than a slightly larger hovel with a converted living room. Pisscum and another women stood behind a bar counter and there were several tables spread out through the bar though there were few patrons there. Apparently few people in Stachys were keen on getting hammered on a random Wednesday afternoon.

Goha sat down before the barkeep and slid her some gold coins and said, "Alcohol and information...in that order."

The woman seemed a bit confused at first but got Goha a drink and then asked what she meant by information. Goha clarified and said, "Rumors and gossip. Things of that ilk."

The woman said, "Well most of the talk about town is about you folks these days but I'm assuming you know more about yourselves than we do so there's not really anything I could tell you about that you probably don't already know. There is something I heard about Baron Telus though..."

"Baron Telus you say?" said Goha who had no idea who Baron Telus actually was.

"Yes! Apparently he has stopped tending to his duties and lets his townsfolk loot as they please; it’s disgraceful! Count Lotheed should’ve stepped in to put a stop to this years ago, but I guess he doesn’t care so long as Telus’s little bandit army leaves his lands alone."

The party made a note of the fact that they would probably have to fight a bandit army at some point in the near future and asked the barkeep if she had heard any other rumors.

"Why yes I have! About the Night Swan who I'm sure you know all about," she said, "The word is that the Night Swan struck a trade convoy from Cassomir! They say he robs from the rich and gives to the poor, but that sounds more like Galtan propaganda than reality. Can you imagine anyone giving away money?"

Bomo said that she could imagine someone giving money away. Having more than a couple copper coins in her purse still made her feel somewhat guilty. Goha, perhaps to demonstrate that it was possible for some people to give away their possessions quite readily bought a round for everyone in the tavern. As everyone drank, Peak chatted up Pisscum asking her what sort of improvements needed to be made to the town other than of course the pump house which she had mentioned during the gala the other day. She rattled off a laundry list of improvements and public works projects that needed to be done and all of them cost money. It quickly became clear to the party that they were going to have to find a way to make some money if they were truly serious about helping the residents of Stachys.

Peak also asked about furnishings for the manor house. Pisscum informed him that they could purchase some basic furnishings from a carpenter several hours away or take whatever was in the abandoned buildings that were scattered throughout the town. Peak asked about hiring some townfolks to move some beds and dressers and Ottomans or whatever from the abandoned buildings up to the manorhouse and offered to pay 50 gold coins.

Pisscum's eyes went wide at the amount of money the outsiders were willing to spend and told them it was a bit too much. Even Bomo knew this as they'd paid her pit fighting buddies Chad 2 Badd and the Bruise Brothers far less than that to risk life and limb in a daring warehouse raid back in Oppara where the cost of living was undoubtedly higher but Peak was a generous fellow and was quite of the mind that a rising tide lifts all ships. Pisscum said she would make the necessary arrangements the next day.

The party was then all ready to set out to take a look at the pump house but it was early evening and Pisscum told them that the pump house was in the marshes to the north and that it would take nearly seven hours to reach it on foot. Since no one in the party had any desire to go traipsing through an unfamiliar swamp in the dead of night they decided to head back to the manorhouse instead and set out to the pump house the following morning.

When they got back to the manorhouse Ol' Scruddy was there waiting for them. He asked them if they'd decided what to do with the manticore corpse they'd sent ahead. They decided to turn it into a trophy. Scruddy said he'd take care of it and so passed the first day in Satchys.

The party awoke the next morning before dawn and after gathering their equipment set off into the marshes. True to the Honorary Pisscum's words it took them nearly seven hours to reach the pump house. The marsh surrounding it stank and several rotted corpses of cows and other animals littered the area. Peak and Goha began casting spells to determine if the area was poisonous or cursed but it turned out that it was just a regular gross-ass swamp.

But as the party started towards the pump house's entrance it became clear that the swamp was not as regular as at first they had thought. A large tentacled beast rose from the stagnant water and attempted to grab Goha with its whip-like tendrils but only managed to smack her about.



The fight was on and Cosgrove hucked a bomb right at that vile creature's ass...or at least where it's ass would be if it was anything like a normal animal. The bomb found its mark and blew a chunk of ass out of the beast. Bomo then rushed the disgusting monster and unloaded on it with fists and Goha followed up with a blast of magical lightning that shocked the shit out of the monster. Peak moved into position and shot an arrow at the fiend.

The creature then spewed something vile from its innards at Bomo and Goha. Bomo managed to dive out of the way but Goha wasn't quite so quick on her feet. But there is a belief among some adventurers that traveling with a halfling brings good luck to the party, what the bards often fail to neglect is that often this good luck comes in the form of comedic happenstance. As Bomo skillfully dodged out of the hurling creature she ended up log-rolling into Goha's legs and that action caused Goha to stumble ever so slightly but it was enough to avoid the vile vomit spewing forth from the swamp thing's gaping maw.

As Bomo stood up after log-rolling out of the way of a power puke she inadvertently got some of the barf on her hand and then proceeded to wipe her brow. In an instant she realized what she had done. It was probably fine. Behind her the creature let out a hideous howl as Cosgrove loosed a pair of bolts from his crossbow that buried themselves deep in the creature's brain, killing it in an instant.
The party, remembering the time they were nearly murdered by a sheet of loose leaf paper felt a measure of pride at how competently they had dispatched the hellacious swamp monster and their competent heroing continued as Goha, for the second time in as many days, used her 100 level course on magical monsters to recall that otyughs are prone to carry ghoul fever which Bomo probably contracted from the puke that was dripping from her forehead into her eye.

"That sounds less fun than dance fever," opined Bomo solemnly.

As no one in the party was a cleric and Cosgrove was more the "blow everything in the room up" and less the "craft a variety of tinctures and unguents used for healing" sort of alchemist the prognosis for Bomo not becoming a ghoul were pretty grim. Fortunately Goha recalled that she had a wand of cure disease that she had picked up somewhere in her travels and with a quick "Bibbidi bobbidi boo!" a blast of magic shit hit Bomo eliminating all the ghoul fever virus that was coursing through her veins. Everyone learned a valuable lesson about personal hygiene on the battlefield and all was right with the world.

I'm honestly not sure if bomb alchemist and potion alchemist are different things. I'm pretty sure mutagen alchemist is it's own thing because there was some brawler archetype that would have allowed me to use mutagen alchemist feats and abilities at the expense of some other deal so I didn't go that route.

I can see that being the case for how you've played thus far. I looked at mutagen powers a bit (there's a brawler archtype that can used them) and it mostly seemed like stuff that's useful if you wanted to melee foes, which doesn't really seem to be your bag.

Well, it's that time again. Who's up for another game? Does Saturday June 26 sound good, same time as always?

Nudeviking patbat Celebith Baron von Costume

I will check, I think I have a camping spot that week for Canada day but can't remember if it starts sat or sun

If June 26 isn't good, I'm afraid the 19th would be too early for me and I assume most of us have something else going on the weekend of Canada Day/4th of July, so I would be open to July 10 instead.

Should be fine that week, not leaving til monday

I'm good to go then.