Season 2 Episode 8: Law & Order & Jerky Boys (July 31, 2021)
Game Master: sarapenPlayers: Bomo Frugglemop (
Nudeviking), Cosgrove Ashmore (
Baron von Costume), "Dame" Goha (
patbat), Peak Dartbox (
Celebith)
Location: Meratt County
The next morning as the party broke their fast there was a knock on the door to their manorhouse. It was the Honorary Tribune Piscum. She greeted Cosgrove and apologized for disturbing him and his entourage this early but had some pressing matters that needed to be dealt with quickly and then asked if he'd rather hear the good news or the bad news first.
"The good news!" Bomo shouted excitedly, either unaware or uncaring about Piscum's blackened eye.
Piscum looked at Cosgrove in askance but the lord or the manor just shrugged it off and motioned for Piscum to reveal the good news.
"Well," Piscum began, "This morning a number of day laborers and supplies arrived from the estate of Baron Okerra. A gift you managed to convince him to send you during the Jubilee. You'll need to decide how to best use them."
After some discussion amongst themselves the party decided that since repairs on the pumphouse were already underway the next order of business should probably be the mill. Piscum said it was a splendid decision and she would have the workers begin on it at once. She then delivered the bad news; namely that she was punched in the face by the town drunk the night before and the scofflaw then stole a bottle of whiskey worth 25 gold and the night's take at the bar (some 20 silver) and fled.
The drunk was found that morning asleep in a barn and was now being held in the town jail (a broom closet in the bar) awaiting trial. Piscum told Cosgrove that since he was the lord he would have to preside over the trial. Cosgrove said that he'd finish his breakfast and then head to the courthouse (which was also the bar and the scene of the crime and the jail).
A short while later the party found themselves in Piscum's bar/jail/courthouse/livingroom for the trial of the century. The entire town had seemingly come out to bear witness to that sweet, sweet jurisprudence action. The townsfolk murmured to themselves as a disheveled woman was brought out of the broom closet cum jail in manacles and led before Cosgrove. Her crimes were read off by Piscum and a number of witnesses said that the entire episode went down exactly as Piscum had explained it. Others spoke of the woman's repeated drunkenness and general douchebaggery, neither of which were technically crimes but spoke to her moral failings.
It quickly became clear to Cosgrove that this was less a matter of guilt or innocence and more a matter of determining a punishment that fit the crime. Piscum told Cosgrove that generally with this sort of petty larceny the guilty would be put in the stocks though dismemberment was also practiced. She then added that it was well within his right to sentence her to death.
"That escalated quickly," Bomo said to no one in particular as Piscum explained the punishments.
The party discussed the options available and found all of them somewhat lacking. The stockades had no practical value to anyone and dismemberment and death both seemed a good way to get the population of Staychs to turn against them for being cruel autocratic rulers and so they decided to go a different route.
"I sentence the accused to labor upon the millhouse until its completion at which point we will determine if she has reformed and paid her debt to society through her works. If she has then she will be free to go but if she is still unrepentant then she will be assigned further tasks to help with the improvement of the town," Cosgrove said.
Piscum seemed a little surprised and said, "She'll need someone to watch over her to ensure that she's actually doing what she needs to do."
"How about Ol' Scruddy?" offered Peak.
"Yes, our man Ol' Scruddy will watch over her while she works," said Cosgrove.
Bomo tugged on Cosgrove's sleeve, "Um Boss, are you sure Ol' Scruddy's the best choice? He's only a couple years older than me. He just looks like cracked shoe leather on account of never not being drunk."
"I'm sure they'll be fine. Maybe she'll learn that there are other things one can do while completely drunk that don't involve robbery."
And so it was decided that Ol' Scruddy would watch after the defendant while she worked off her debt to society and in an effort to put back some of the lost money that was taken from Piscum, Peak gave her 25 gold coins and told her to feed the townsfolk breakfast or provide them with beers throughout the day. While the townsfolk did not seem particularly happy about the verdict, the promise of omelets and all they could drink mimosas made them a trifle happier.
Peak then approached Piscum and asked her what she thought the party should next attend to. She told them that most of the things that needed to be done around town would require time and coin but she did hear a rumor about the Nightswan ambushing a caravan in the Void Wood.
"'Tis said he gave all the coins to the poor after robbing the caravan but that sounds like a bunch of liberal propaganda if you ask me. Can you imagine someone scoring big like that and then giving it all away?"
"Yes, I can imagine someone doing that," Bomo replied, "I regularly give away my money because I feel super guilty about having as much money as I do."
Piscum rolled her eyes at the hobbit and turned back to Peak, "Like I was saying the bit about the Nightswan giving the peasants all the money he stole sounds like bullshit but the caravan robbery probably did happen in the Void Wood so that might mean they're hiding out there. If you want the town to grow and get supplies and goods from afar you might want to clear out the hideout of a noted bandit like the Nightswan."
Peak turned to their companions, "What do you say? Shall we go investigate the Void Wood?"
The party agreed that it might be for the best but then recalled that Dame Crabbe was going to invite them for tea and crumpets in the next few days and decided to send a messenger ahead telling her that they were going to be on the road and that it might be for the best if they were to come directly to her place while on their travels and then asked if her to send a messenger to meet them on the road if this was acceptable for her.
Bomo also penned a letter of condolences to Dame Malphene Trant of Oppara. While they had not exactly gotten off on the right foot, the events of the coup brought them together and as an orphan herself, Bomo felt a bit of sympathy for the former rival.
With messengers dispatched the party then gathered up their equipment and then got in their carriage and headed off for adventure. They had decided to take the carriage rather than just riding horses as a means to lure the Nightswan out of hiding even if it was a slightly slower option. And so, the party passed their time playing Tiger Electronics hand-held games and the like as the carriage rumbled down dusty country roads.
They had been on the road for several hours when Peak heard a voice calling out to them from the woods beckoning him to join them. This seemed like a pretty good idea to Peak who opened the door to the carriage, leaped out of it, and darted into the woods. The others, not knowing what was going on, stopped the carriage and ran into the woods after Peak. It did not take long to figure out what had happened as a large badger horse looking fucker appeared before them in a clearing in the woods. Peak ran directly towards it and the party watched in horror as the creature bit a chunk out of Peak.
Goha, one of two party members that actually went to college, knew that the creature was a Leucrotta and that they were bad fucking news: a planar beast begat by a demon fucking a hyena or some shit that was super into sadistic shit. Not wanting to end up with ball gags in their mouths in a half demon-half hyena badger horse's fuck dungeon the party sprang into action. As Bomo readied herself for battle she suddenly heard a voice calling out to her from elsewhere in the woods emploring her to join them. It seemed very reasonable to Bomo and so she ran off towards the voice as well.
Goha, knowing full well how bad these deals were, went H.A.M. on them with Magic Missile and Cosgrove hucked a bomb at them. Bomo ended up getting trampled by a second Leucrotta that emerged from the shadows of the woods which roused her from the daze she found herself in and she pounded on the giant S&M half-demon half-hyena badger horses with her tiny fists. Peak, for his part, actually drew the crazy magic sword the domovoy had given him a couple days early and slashed at one of the monsters, engaging in melee combat for perhaps the first time ever since becoming an adventurer.
As combat rolled on more Magic Missiles were fired off and crossbow bolts loosed and one of the Leucrotta ended up dead. Peak then delivered a Blistering Invective that left the remaining Leucrotta demoralized, ashamed, and literally on fire and from there it was pretty easy to put an end to the fiendish creature.
"Man, nature sucks!" said Bomo who prior to the previous week had never been outside the walls of the major metropolis that was Oppara, "I mean it smells better than the city but everything out here is always trying to murder you with weird magic and shit."
She then knelt down and patted down the corpses looking for treasure before adding, "And these things don't even have masterwork daggers. That's like the most basic treasure."
"They generally eat people they lure into the woods," Goha said, "Maybe they've got some treasure inside them."
"Peak you've got a sword. That's probably better for disemboweling a monster than my hands," Bomo said, and so Peak cut the monsters open, but alas not a single masterwork dagger was to be found. Disappointed, the party decided to take the creatures' heads as trophies and so Peak decapitated them. They then used a length of rope to string the heads up on the back of the carriage before again setting off towards the Void Woods.
The battle and subsequent decapitations had taken some time and so the party decided to stop in the town of New Town. They'd decided to spend the night there before setting out but when they arrived in the town they'd wished they hadn't as it made Stachys seem like a bustling metropolis by comparison. Most of the structures were little more than canvas tents and ramshackle lean-tos and the people had a tired, hungry look to them. The party stopped a man to ask a man if he knew where they could get a meal he laughed and told them it was a very good question. Peak asked the man who was in charge of the town and where that individual lived. The fellow told Peak that Lord Something-or-Other was technically in charge but did not live in New Town.
"So who runs things day to day here?"
The man explained that there was a woman named Caphridius Vort who was sort of unofficially the town chief. She mostly tried to make sure that people had enough to eat and adequate housing and things like that but she was out on a hunt and probably wouldn't be back until the morning. Peak thanked the man and gave him a silver for his troubles. The party then hunkered down in their carriage for a night of flavorless gruel and minor physical discomfort as they slept in the carriage. The next morning they decided to set off again for the Void Wood rather than waiting around for the unofficial town chief to return as New Town was well outside their jurisdiction anyway and they weren't quite ready to make an enemy of some other feudal lord by fomenting rebellion amongst his citizens.
An hour or so into their journey they encountered a rider who stopped and asked if a Cosgrove of Staychs was among their number. He was so the rider said that he had a message from Dame Crabbe of Crabbetown. Cosgrove took the message from the messenger and thanked him. The letter said that the party would be more than welcome to visit the Crabbe estate in two days' time.
The party set out again and after another night spent eating flavorless slop and sleeping in a carriage finally found themselves in the Void Wood. As they traveled into the woods they came, after a while, upon a most curious scene: scampering about on the path were a number of vaguely fox-like creatures. They began to approach the carriage so Bomo hopped out and greeted them.
"Hello! Do you talk?" she asked. She'd fought against mangy lions and diseased dogs as a child in the seedier fighting pits of Oppara and while neither of those could speak it seemed to her from her week outside the city that most animals were in fact able to converse.
"Yes of course!" said one of the fox-like creatures.
Bomo was charmed by the adorable little Pokemon and asked if it was hungry. It said that it was and asked if Bomo had any jerky. She did and quickly dug some out of her pack and asked if she needed to feed the creature or what.
"You can just put it on the ground," the creature said, "We'll just eat it off the ground like we always do."
"So do you have a name, little buddy?" Bomo asked.
"No, we don't really use names like you folks do. You can just call us the Jerky Boys if you'd like," the fox-like creature said.
"Alright Jerky!"
While this was all going on, unbeknownst to the party another one of the fox-like creatures was sneaking behind the carriage. It had apparently taken an interest in the severed heads hanging from the back of the carriage.
A third fox-like creature began to cast a spell but they were far less discreet than the creature that had sneaked behind the carriage and Goha noticed them.
"Hey guys, that little guy over there is trying to cast Ghost Whisper," Goha whispered to the party, "I think some monkey business is afoot."
The lead Jerky Boy tried to eavesdrop on the party but couldn't make out what they were saying and got annoyed by that fact and so the Jerky Boys suddenly transformed from weird vaguely fox-like Pokemons into weird fox-chicken hybrids. The party howled with laughter.
"Do you steal your own eggs?!" asked Goha between peels of laughter.
"Only sometimes..." the lead Jerky Boy said, clearly annoyed before moving into position and attempting to attack. Another one of the chicken-foxes flew up onto the carriage while a third cast a spell that caused all the doors to the carriage to fly open. These things were getting on the party's last nerve so they sprung into action. Bomo punched one of the Jerky Boys right in the gizzard while Goha took out a small square of red cloth and summoned a swarm of poisonous frogs from the aether.
"Um...have you always been able to do that?" asked Cosgrove in surprise as a very large swarm of frogs began attacking one of the chicken-foxes.
"Just learned it the other day. Thought it might be funny," Goha replied.
And it was. Peak, however, was less inclined to punch the chicken-foxes or summon magical swarms of poisonous frogs and tried to reason with the Jerky Boys, "Look guys, I think things have gotten a little out of control here," Peak said, "Let's all simmer down and talk this out like adults and weird chicken-fox creatures."
"Call off your frogs and cure our poisoned buddy and we'll talk," the lead Jerky Boy said.
Goha rolled her eyes and dismissed the swarm of poisonous frogs that were hopping about croaking "BUDWEISER!" No one in the party could cure poison and Cosgrove didn't want to waste a potion on the Jerky Boys since they'd attacked the party for seemingly no reason so Peak cast Cure Light Wounds and hoped that would be enough.
"Well," the lead Jerky Boy said, "This is our forest so for you to pass through it you have to give us a gift. Since there are six of us that equals six gifts. We were just trying to take what was rightfully ours."
"Well there are only four of us which means we should only have to give you four things at most, which by count we already did," said Bomo.
"How do you figure?" asked the Jerky Boy.
"Well I gave you that jerky, then I gave you a punch to the gizzard, then Goha over there gave you a swarm of frogs and Peak just cast healing on you so that's four," Bomo said.
"We really wanted those cool heads hanging off your carriage there," the lead Jerky Boy said.
"Well give you one of them but think of it like a trade," Peak said, "You get one of the heads and in exchange you tell us about these woods."
The Jerky Boys agreed to this though neither Cosgrove nor Bomo were particularly pleased by the deal, muttering about how "these little assholes" had attacked them first. Peak told the lead Jerky Boy not to mind them. The lead Jerky Boy then revealed that all the woods in the county were technically the Void Woods and that a number of fey creatures lived in the woods.
"There's an owlbear type creature and a tree guy and a tree that will murder you if it sees you," explained the lead Jerky Boy.
"Are the tree guy and the murder tree the same guy?" asked Bomo.
"No, they are two distinct things. The tree guy is a guy that's a tree while the murder tree is a tree that does murder."
"Does the tree guy also do murder?" asked Bomo.
"Not right away," said the lead Jerky Boy, "Like he might end up murdering you if you piss him off but he's not going to attempt to murder you right off the bat. Oh there's also a protector of the forest...a unicorn. For some reason she really likes mortals and is willing to help them out providing they aren't a dick to her so maybe you guys should be careful if you meet her."
Peak thanked the Jerky Boys and asked them if they could trade information again in the future but the lead Jerky Boy did not seem particularly keen on interacting with the party again and said, "Well maybe if you find us but we're probably going to make ourselves scarce if we see you coming in the future. Most of you aren't that chill and you kind of harsh the vibe we've got going. So I think we'll just take our monster head and be on our way."
The chicken-foxes took one of the Leucrotta heads down and with a "Smell ya later," the weird creatures scampered off into the trees and out of sight.
"Man, nature sucks so much ass!" Bomo said.
sorry.
