Season 2 Episode 9: A-MAZE-ing Spider-Heart (August 21, 2021)
Game Master: sarapen Players: Bomo Frugglemop (
Nudeviking ), Cosgrove Ashmore (
Baron von Costume ), "Dame" Goha (
patbat ), Peak Dartbox (
Celebith )
Location: The Crabbe Estate
The words of the chicken foxes frightened the party so badly than rather than search the woods for signs of the Night Swan and risk running into a potentially murderous tree guy or definitely murderous tree they decided to instead head to Moost and pay the Crabbe’s a visit.
Moost was roughly the same size as Stachys but in far better repair with a number of cranberry bogs and a well maintained music conservatory though not one Peak was at all familiar with. They discussed dropping by the conservatory but thought it would probably be better to just go straight to the Crabbe estate.
When they arrived they were greeted by Dame Crabbe and her daughter, Sepsinia who looked even more depressed than she had when last they’d seen her. While Dame Crabbe greeted them warmly, Sepsinia offered up the briefest of greetings and then asked her mother to be excused. Dame Crabbe waved her off and then led the party into a sitting room. A moment later several servants arrived with wine and snacks all of which contained cranberry.
“The citizens of Moost must never get UTIs,” Goha said as she sampled yet another cranberry based confection.
Dame Crabbe said that it was true that the citizens of Moost were routinely found to have the healthiest UTs in all of Taldor. Talk soon turned to recent political turmoil. Dame Crabbe talked about some of the scrimishes that had broken out among the various factions that were amassing troops but said that fortunately things in Meratt County had remained relatively calm.
Dame Crabbe then brought out Settlers of Catan and Uno for some games before dinner. Sepsinia, however, squirrelled herself away in the corner with a book though she seemed somewhat distracted. As the others settled down for some games, Bomo approached Sepsinia and asked her about the book she was reading. Sepsinia told her that it was a treatise on art so Bomo asked if she was an artist herself or just an art fan. Sepsinia said that she used to paint but these days wasn't feeling particularly motivated and it had been some time since she took up a brush. Bomo asked her what sort of paintings she did. Sepsinia replied that she mostly painted landscapes.
"Maybe a change of setting will get you motivated again," Bomo said, "I spent my entire life in Oppara until like a week ago. Did you know there are a bunch of animals that can talk out in the woods? On our way here he ran into some chicken fox things that could talk and do magic. There's all kinds of crazy junk out there. Maybe if you see some of it you'll feel inspired."
"Maybe..." replied Sepsinia. "Bomo, why don't you come join us for a rousing round of Ticket to Ride!" Dame Crabbe said and pulled Bomo over to the gaming table.
Sepsinia then excused herself and retired to her bed chamber. Once she was out of earshot Dame Crabbe apologized on behalf of her daughter and said that she hadn't been the same since her fiance had died. She had hoped that having visitors would put that unfortunate business out of Sepsinia's mind but it apparently hadn't.
"I apologize if this comes across as rude but do you know how her fiance died? You said it was tragic. Did he get eaten by a monster or something?" asked Bomo.
"It was a suicide."
"Yeesh..." said Bomo under her breath as she tugged at her collar.
Fortunately for her she was saved by the bell when some servants then appeared with trays of food. Unfortunately Bomo immediately put her foot in her mouth by making a joke about how she was glad that no one here was dressed in animal costumes. She thought it would kill but Dame Crabbe was like, "Are you nuts? You're going to try to get us in trouble by talking shit about Count Bartleby?"
Peak attempted to smooth things over but somehow made it seem like instead of trying to get them in trouble by shit talking Count Bartleby Bomo was merely implying that the Crabbes were too poor to afford animal costumes for their servants. Goha then attempted to change the topic by talking about how good the food was only to immediately stage-whisper about getting McDonald’s.
Cosgrove finally was able to get things back on track by telling his entourage to be quiet and apologizing to Dame Crabbe. She seemed pleased by this and the rest of dinner continued without a hitch with the party discussing the conservatory and learning that Dame Crabbe was the patron of said conservatory.
Peak expressed a desire to visit it the following day and perhaps get an informal jam session going on with some of the students. Dame Crabbe thought this was a splendid idea and mentioned that she would have had Sepsinia and some of the students perform this evening but Sepsinia was in one of her moods again and so it did not come to pass.
After dinner everyone retired to bed but in the middle of the night Peak was awoken by the sound of someone stumbling down the hallway. Looking out into the hall he saw that it was Sepsinia. He tried to get her attention but she paid him no heed as she headed down the hall and out of sight. Peak his magically bardic whisper to wake the rest of the party and they set off after the younger Crabbe girl to see what she was up to.
As they made their way out of the Crabbe's manorhouse, Peak used his magical crow figurine to summon a magical crow and have it follow after Sepsinia. The party followed the magical crow across Dame Crabbe's property to an overgrown hedge maze. Creepy mists swirled about as the party made their way into the maze...and was still swirling a moment later when they walked straight back out. It was just as the party had suspected: some ridiculous magic bullshit.
Even with their magical crow to guide them it was going to take all their skills and abilities to make their way through the maze. Fortunately between Bomo's years spent navigating the alleyways of The Narrows, Goha's knowledge of traditional Taldoran hedge mazes as well as the knowledge of plants she gleaned from years of growing pot as a side hustle, and a fair amount of climbing and dumb luck the party slowly but surely made their way through the hedge maze.
Eventually they come to a gazebo and after joking about attacking the gazebo notice that Sepsinia is sitting with a weird spider thing that looks a bit like a human heart and the two of them are sipping tea and eating biscuits that appear to have seen better days. Nearby are a trio of dead bodies.
The spider noticed the party and quickly cast a spell to raise the dead, transforming the corpses into zombies. Fight it out!
Bomo got in a fighting stance and slammed her tiny fists into the zombie that loomed before her. Her fists punctured the zombie's flesh and so she pulled and tore the zombie in half, covering herself in ichor in the process. The zombie died instantly...or died again. She wasn't really sure what it counted as if you were killing undead.
Goha, not being overly fond of weird tea drinking uppercrust spider monsters, let loose a series of magic missiles that rocked the spider monster's world. Peak followed suit and mocked the spider monster so viciously that it burst into flames and was shaken to the core by the comments about it's appearance. Cosgrove meanwhile readied his crossbow and put another of the zombie's on blast. The remaining zombie and spider monster then attempted to do grievous bodily harm to the party but were shitty at it and totally whiffed.
Bomo mocked the spider monster for being bad at punching but then immediately thereafter missed with all her fancy karate chops and the spider laughed at her only to be struck down a moment later by Peak Dartbox. Arrows were loosed and fists were thrown at the last remaining zombie but it was still hanging on to undeath by a thread so Goha cast Searing Beam, attempting to aim over Bomo's head. The beam streaked past Bomo's head, singeing her hair and striking the zombie center mass, causing it to explode in a spectacular fashion and collapse in a heap of crispy gore. The party had successfully wrecked shop on the undead menace.
Sepsinia seemed somewhat more lucid than she had earlier and expressed confusion over the fact that she was in the middle of the hedge maze, comparing the entire thing to a dream. She said that every night she would return to the maze and drink tea with her fiance, only he didn't look like the man she had known; he looked like a heart with spider legs. Even in that monstrous form though she knew it was him.
"My head feels much clearer but something still feels off..." Sepsinia continued.
"Maybe you'll feel better if you have rebound lesbian sex with a halfling," Goha offered.
"What?!" asked Sepsinia and Bomo simultaneously.
"Can't blame me for trying to help my friend out here," Goha said, "Forget I said anything...maybe you'll feel better after taking a rest.
"Yes, maybe I will," Sepsinia replied.
"If you wait a second we can all leave together," Peak said, "We generally like to detect magic and find treasure after we kill a big monster like this."
Peak and Goha then began spamming detect magic and determined that there was magic of some sort emanating from a rabbit warren near the gazebo. Bomo offered to reach into the warren and fish out whatever was in there but Peak suggested using the magical crow instead just in case there was some whacky magical monster hiding out in the hole.
The crow pulled out a ring, a harp, a vial with a strangely colored liquid, and a pair of bracers. The bracers and the potion seemed to be the source of the magic that was detected but there was also a strange magical funk coming from Sepinia that the party thought was probably more pressing than the value of the ring or harp they located as so they decided to check Sepsinia and figure out what her deal was.
“I’m going to touch you with the back of my hands,” Goha said to Sepsinia as she attempted to discern what exactly ailed the younger Crabbe woman.
Oh shit! She was cursed! After careful examination, the more magically inclined members of the party sussed out that the heart spider monster had cursed her with apathy and a lack of dashfire and they would need to either cast a spell that none of them knew or have her drink a Love Potion to counteract the effects of the curse. Unfortunately none of them had such a potion either.
"It would be amazing if that potion we just found was the exact thing we needed," Peak said, "Let's find out if it is!"
He cast identify on the item and in an instant realized that it was the exact potion they needed to cure Sepsinia of what ailed her. Peak figured that as he was cast Identify on things he might as well also cast Identify on the bracers and find out what their deal was.
"Bracers of AC +2!" he declared, "So do we give them to Bomo since she's the one that is routinely getting bitten and kicked by monsters or do we give it to whoever among us has the lowest AC?"
"I don't think they help me at all since I've already got a chainmail t-shirt on," Bomo said, "For whatever reason that cancels out the magical bonus imbued by wearing such bracers. Give them to Goha."
Goha nodded, "Yes please. I'm out here running around in just a bathrobe. Those will be most helpful."
With that all taken care of the party next persuaded Sepsina to down the potion. It honestly did not take much to convince her to drink the potion and as soon as she did her cheeks began to grow rosy and she appeared to become imbued with vim and vigor. Her long nightmare was finally over...or was it?
Sorry folks got family slammed as expected.
