Who wants to play D&D online again?

When do we think we can host our next session? I'm probably busy on the 15th (may visit the parents in NC for the long weekend), but don't seem to have much going on at all after that.

Yeah, I was about to ask. I'm good for the 22nd as well.

Baron von Costume patbat ?

Sorry, I was off work last week and trying to not stare at a computer screen much. 22nd probably works here.

On my calendar!

Season 2 Episode 13: Admin-a-Go-Go! (January 22, 2022)
Game Master: sarapen
Players: Bomo Frugglemop-Crabbe (Nudeviking ), "Dame" Goha (patbat ), Peak Dartbox (Celebith ), and Cosgrove Ashmore (Baron von Costume )
Location: Merratt County

Encumbered with stolen loot and with the malformed corpse of the baron not yet cold to the touch, the party bid farewell to the Huntmaster. As the party walked from the crumbling manorhouse they discussed who they put in charge of Jambis now that the baron was a corpse. After some discussion the party decided that the Baronet running New Town would probably be the best choice among eligible folks seeing as how she had some administrative experience and unlike the Huntsmaster did not turn to banditry and start feeding random travelers to a spider monster the moment things went south and so on the way back to Staychys the party stopped in New Town to inform the Baronet of her new job and pass the night.

Before once more setting off for adventure the following morning, Peak gave the Baronet some of the money the party had liberated from the crumbling manorhouse in Jambis to help with the rebuilding efforts.

The trip back to Staychys was once again overlong due to the ruined bridge over Beggar's Canyon and as their carriage trundled through the backwoods the party decided that the bridge would be the next thing that they repaired. Several days passed more or less uneventfully but on the third day the party encountered a majestic looking winged unicorn that landed directly in front of the party's carriage.

"Lo, travelers! Is there among your number one by the name of Goha?" the creature boomed in a voice like a rock n' roll saxophone.

The party stepped out of the carriage and while Bomo's eyes transformed into hearts and she squeed like a schoolgirl over how "majestic as fuck" the unicorn was, Goha raised her hand and with some uncertainty in her voice said that she was named Goha. The winged unicorn bade her to step foreward and with some trepidation Goha did. Her weariness was understandable. She and her fellow adventurers had, after all, been lured into these very woods by all manner of devious telepathic creatures looking to make a meal out of them several times over the past couple of weeks.

"Goha of Cheliax!' boomed the winged unicorn, "Two fortnight past at the Exaltation Celebration in Oppara you did a kindness to the mistress of these woods, Tanasha Starborne, and she instructed me to grant unto you a boon, should our paths ever cross."

"That is quite kind of her," Goha replied and then turning to her companions whispered, "Who is Tanasha Starborne?"

"She was that Rainbow Brite looking gnome lady out in the garden," Bomo replied.

"Oh! Her! Did I even talk to her?" Goha replied as her companions shrugged in response.

"Goha!" boomed the winged unicorn, "Do you want this boon or not?"

"Uh...yeah of course I do!" replied Goha.

The winged unicorn then leaned forward and touched Goha's forehead with its horn. Goha felt fae magicks course through her body as the unicorn's horn touched her and then bowed slightly in thanks when the unicorn raised its head and removed it's horn from Goha's forehead.

"I'm confused how any of us are even able to see that unicorn," Peak said as the unicorn granted Goha it's boon, "I mean I always heard that unicorns were only able to be seen by virgins."

"I don't know about you lot but maybe it doesn't count if you only do stuff with other girls and that's why I can see it," said Bomo.

"No you idiots," boomed the unicorn, "I'm not actually a unicorn...or a Pegasus either. I'm a half-celestial fae creature whose true form you could not even begin to fathom. Shit would blow your puny mortal minds."

"Oh it's that you looked like a unicorn so we sort of assumed that's what you were," said Peak.

"It's quite understandable," replied the unicorn that wasn't actually a unicorn, "Well, I must be going now. I have some urgent fae business to attend to. Be weary in these woods Goha and Friends of Goha for while my boon will offer you some protection there are dark things that dwell here that will still try to do you harm. Smell ya later dudes!"

The unicorn then flew off and the party returned to their carriage and pressed on for Staychys. The remainder of their trip was quite uneventful and they made good time.

Back in Staychys the party got down to some serious admin! The first order of business was getting that bridge back in working order since traveling between Staychys and the western parts of the county was a total pain in the ass. Following that the party decided to invest further in the town's modest marketplace and get some commerce going on. 

The party then discussed the possibility of building a temple in the town, specifically one to the Goddess Calistria as those were essentially brothels and would theoretically attract folks willing to spend money, or at the very least, get noted skinflint, Bomo, to spend her hard earned gold coins. Ultimately, however, the party decided that it would be better to invest in more critical infrastructure, namely plumbing as folks were still shitting in the streets. And so, the party brokered a deal in which a contractor would get a suit of magical plate armor, a magical cloak, some stolen silverware and some gems and coins in exchange for doing some plumbing work.

With that taken care of, Bomo strolled over to the public house for a beer and to see if there were any rumors about nefarious plots that needed tending to. She caught wind of some banditos lurkin' about in Beggarwood to the south and also a number of vagrants in the same area that folks thought of as a blight on the region.

"That might be worth looking into," Bomo thought to herself as she stumbled back up the hill to the manorhouse to call it a night.

Night descended upon the Bentany Estate and the party slept. None of them nor Ol' Scruddy who was passed out drunk on a couch in the rumpus room noticed the sound of quiet, uninvited footsteps in the hallway. The next morning the party awoke and discovered that they'd been robbed! Gone was the bust of Dame Crabbe from its place of prominence on the mantle. In its place stuck to the wall with a dagger was a note that read something along the lines of, "Dear Nobles, You fucking suck. You go to hell! You go to hell and you die!"

"I can't make out the signature though," Bomo said after reading the letter.

"It's a drawing of a swan!" the other three party members said in unison.

"Ohh! You think that Night Swan lady stole the bust of my new mom?" Bomo asked.

The party, which had been planning on traveling to the Beggarwood to battle banditos changed their plans and after a light breakfast set out towards the Voidwood as that was the only lead they had as to the whereabouts of the Night Swan as she had robbed a stagecoach passing through the woods several weeks back. As the bridge over Beggar's Canyon was still fucked they decided to head north and stop off at the Palace of Birdsong and inform Count Bartleby that the Night Swan had fucked with them and they were going after her. Bartleby was pleased to hear that the party was going to attempt to capture the Night Swan but did offer any sort of material support or promise any sort of financial compensation if they managed to capture this wanted criminal.

"Man this guy sucks ass," Bomo said to herself in Hobbitese as Bartleby offered up his most heartfelt thanks if the party succeeded in capturing or killing the Night Swan.

And so the party pressed on for the Voidwood. They were making really good time until suddenly BLAMO! They got attacked by a sentient OVERKILL album cover! 



Fortunately for the party, the thrash metal stylings of an OVERKILL record was no match for the combined explosives, kung fu prowess, and wiz-biz of the party who made short work of the fiendish album artwork and after checking its pockets for treasure and finding none, continued on towards the Voidwood.

Upon arriving near the Voidwood they first stopped at Rotoscoped Aragon/Margaret Thatcher's estate as the Voidwood was technically on her lands and the crew of adventurers didn't want to cause any sort of incident by tromping around in her lands unbeknownst to her. Besides, they figured they Rotoscoped Aragon/Margaret Thatcher might have some leads on the Night Swan if she was operating out of her backyard and if she didn't they could at least leave their carriage there as they made their way into the woods.

Rotoscoped Aragon/Margaret Thatcher was just as curt as ever, the polar opposite of Dame Crabbe,  but she was willing to let the party leave their horses in her stables while they investigated the woods. She also seemed somewhat surprised to hear that the Night Swan was operating in her territory and did not seem to be lying when she proclaimed a desire to see the Night Swan hanged.

Into the woods the party traveled looking for signs of the stagecoach robbery that had taken place nearly a month earlier. Somehow Bomo managed to find some tracks that led the party to the site of the stagecoach robbery. Apparently a childhood spent fending for herself in the Narrows of Oppara had taught her skills that also worked in the wilds of Taldoran countryside. Goha, Peak, and Bomo all scoured the area for anything that might lead them to the Night Swan but came up empty handed. Cosgrove, who had been looking at a book while the others searched, stood and said, "I might as well look too I suppose...oh hullo what's this?" He found a small crumpled up slip of paper under some dead leaves that he picked up and smoothed out. It appeared to be a receipt from an inn in Lothadar, the town near the Palace of Birdsong. It wasn't much to go on but it was a lead, and so the party headed back to Rotoscoped Aragon/Margaret Thatcher's estate to collect their horses and carriage and thank her for watching over them. Some time later the party arrived at Lothadar and made their way towards the inn.

"We should play it cool," Peak said as they walked up the door of the tavern, "People in the inn might be supportive of the Night Swan."

The party chatted up some folks about the local punk scene and whether or not there were any underground fighting pits in an effort to gauge public attitudes and determine whether or not it would be safe to ask about the Night Swan and after some time they decided to broach the subject with the innkeep. They showed the innkeeper the crumpled receipt and told him that they were investigating a stagecoach robbery allegedly done by the Night Swan and the receipt had been found at the scene of the crime.

The innkeeper took a look at the receipt and said, "Generally I wouldn't be able to tell you anything about a specific receipt but today's your lucky day. That order's a really weird order that only one person ever orders here...it's that woman sitting over there."

The innkeep then pointed toward a well-dressed woman seated at the other side of the room. The party recognized her as one of the party guests at the Taniger Jubilee but none of them remembered actually talking to her. That was about to change. As the party strode across the room to where she was seated, Cosgrove haphazardly tossed one of his grenades up in the air and caught it. He did it again and bobbled it...

Did the bomb explode?! Was that party-goer actually the Night Swan?! What spell(s) did Cosgrove's minions successfully research?! Will the party ever reach level 6?! Tune in next time to find out!

Even going back to the party, I paid those hobbits being forced to degrade themselves for Bartleby's amusement like three years salary to give him the finger and quit which this lady would know about since she was at the party. I think that overall our record is pretty impeccable when it comes to dealing with the common folks. I mean my character is a hobbit and from the slums but is treated with respect (is that the right word?) by the rest of you lot and not looked down upon or made to do undesirable tasks (since I generally volunteer to do stuff like dive into raw sewage to try and fish out magically artifacts of my own volition).

I do enjoy the idea of setting up Chad to take the fall though I don't want to do that if it will take away any possible opportunity to punch him so hard in the dick that his soul leaves his body also wincing in pain from the massive damage done to his dick. 

sarapen - Found this wonderful affirmation video, if you ever need to get hyped for a session.




Embrace the Goddess energy within yourself!

Hey, do you all have Discord send you notifications when there's a message in the chat when you're offline? Just checking to know if it's better to discuss scheduling on here or on Discord. Anyway, when do people want to play again? Feb 26th is fine for me. Feb 19th as well but that may be too soon for everyone.

patbat Baron von Costume Celebith Nudeviking

I don't have it turned on but it's easy enough to set it so I get notifications on my phone if that's easier for folks.
As for this month the 19th and 26th both look good at the moment for me.

Season 2 Episode 14: A New Companion & An Extended Simpsons Riff (February 26, 2022)
Game Master: sarapen
Players: Bomo Frugglemop-Crabbe (Nudeviking), "Dame" Goha (patbat), Peak Dartbox (Celebith), Cosgrove Ashmore (Baron von Costume), and Basil Dalassene (Douay-Rheims-Challoner)
Location: Merratt County

Cosgrove fumbled with the bomb as everyone in the party held their collective breaths. After what seemed like a month, Cosgrove managed to catch the explosive he had haphazardly bobbled thus preventing a complete and utter catastrophe. Everyone breathed a sigh of relief.

The party then decided that as Peak was the most honey-tongued among the party he would attempt to talk to the woman the innkeeper had indicated as the owner of the receipt and Bomo would accompany him in the event that things went sideways. Cosgrove and Goha watched from their table on the other side of the room wondering how long it would be before a table got flipped over.

It happened much faster than either of them expected. The noblewoman was suspicious of Peak and Bomo from the jump leading to the two of them cutting to the chase and telling her that they knew she was the Night Swan and Bomo demanding that she return the stolen bust of Dame Crabbe.

The woman told her that it had already been sold and that money redistributed to the needy since she wasn't a leech like they and their friends were. Peak took umbrage with this and talked about how much they had spent to improve the lives of the common folk in Staychys since arriving in Meratt county and Bomo mentioned how she paid Bartleby's halfling servants the equivalent of two years wages to quit working for him rather than continue to debase themselves for his perverse bemusement but the woman was still not moved.

Bomo was getting angry and shouted at her, "You're some highborn lady sitting here talking about us being leeches. I grew up in the Narrows bitch! Calling me a commoner would be being generous but you decide that I'm a leech and sneak into the house I'm staying in in the dead of night and take the one earthly possession I own. I sleep in a closet for crying out loud!" 

"It's probably because it was literally the only thing of value in our house," Peak said, "Since we literally give 95% of the money we earn back to the town."

"Just give me back my statue!" Bomo shouted. 

She was surprised how angry this woman was making her. She'd dealt with pickpockets and muggers before, they were a part of life in the Narrows, but she'd never really felt angry at those people. They were just folks with no other options trying to survive just like she was but this woman sitting across from her in a suit of clothes that probably cost more than all the people who lived in her tenement back in Oppara made in a decade was acting like she was morally superior to Bomo and her friends and thus completely justified in stealing from them. If she really cared about how bad the commonfolk had it she'd be sitting there in a sackcloth robe drinking grog, not clad in silks sipping a fancy drink with a little paper umbrella in it.

As this thought entered Bomo's head something in her snapped. She hurled herself across the table and attempted to grapple the woman to the floor. The woman managed to twist her body at the last second and avoid the enraged halfling, but she was unable to avoid the jumping uppercut to the chin that followed.

"Think we should get involved?" Goha asked Cosgrove as Bomo gave the noblewoman a shouryuken in the mush.

Cosgrove sipped his drink and held up his hand. "Let's hang back and see how this goes."

The tavern was suddenly filled with flashing lights and noise as the noblewoman spun in the air and bellowed loudly about "Power" and "Make-up" and other such nonsense and transformed into a costumed lunatic with a mask and a cape.



"HO SHIT! IT'S THE NIGHT SWAN!" folks in the bar shouted as the Night Swan landed in a cool-ass pose with her cape fluttered behind her following her transformation sequence.

The Night Swan's cape then began to glow as a portal opened behind her. In a last ditch effort Bomo throws a wild-ass haymaker in an effort to knock her out. The Night Swan is tuff as shit though and just shrugs it off and falls backwards into the portal.

"Holy smokes! Lady Whoever was the Night Swan? That's completely new information to me!" said a half-elf gentleman dressed in hunting attire who had been sitting at a table near Cosgrove and Goha.

"You know her?" Cosgrove asked the gentleman.

"Not intimately," the half-elf said, "but she and I are both nobles from Meratt County so I've seen her about. She's a cousin of Count Bartleby. Second cousin? Third? Something like that. Who can ever keep all those Lotheeds straight? There's like a million of them...never thought one of 'em would be the Night Swan though."

"Would you happen to know where she lives?" Cosgrove asked.

The half-elf shook his head, "No, I'm afraid not. I think she might stay with her cousin Bartleby but I couldn't say for certain...the Night Swan on the other hand. There are some bandits that have a hideout in the woods I generally hunt so it's possible she might be with them or if not someone there might have some leads. I'd happily show you the way if you'd like."

The party agreed that that would be a grand idea and so they introduced themselves to the gentleman and he to them. His name was Basil Dalassene and he was something of a woodsman, preferring the forests and glades to the city streets.

Before the party headed out to the woods they decided it would probably be smart to check with the innkeeper and see if they knew anything about the Night Swan or the woman who had just transformed into the Night Swan before them.

The innkeep told the party that the woman had a room upstairs but that she hadn't paid for it  yet and if the party was willing to pay her bill the room would be theirs. Peak flipped some coins to the innkeep and after the innkeeper handed him the key the party headed upstairs.

Basil boldly strode into the room while everyone else waited in the hall. "Aren't you coming in?" he asked, somewhat confused by his new companions.

While Goha cast detect magic and Bomo searched for more mundane traps Peak regaled the hunter with tales of the countless traps the party had bungled their way into over the past few weeks and explained that they now always aired on the side of caution when entering weird rooms, and oh what a weird room this one was!

It wasn't weird in a Tomb of Horrors meat-grinder deathtrap sort of way. Quite the contrary! It was weird because of how utterly devoid it was of any sort of personal effects. There were no clothes. No bags. No trash in the receptacle. There wasn't even a trace of dust. Were it not for the bed, which had clearly been slept in, one might have assumed it was a room that had been vacant for quite some time. 

With the Night Swan's inn room a dead end the party decided to head off towards the woods as that was their only possible lead but as they descended the stairs they saw Officer Gul Gusairne standing there in the main hall of the inn looking like a crossbow wielding Keifer Sutherland. Apparently word of either the barroom brawl or the presence of the Night Swan had reached the ears of the powers that be the law wanted some answers.

Gul Gusairne said that no one was leaving the inn until after everyone present had been interrogated and so one by one, everyone in the party explained what had happened. They told of stolen busts and how they led to fisticuffs, Sailor Moon transformation sequences, and portals. Gul Gusairne was satisfied with this and after thanking the party for their time, left to file a report. Bomo was relieved that she wasn't going to get arrested for punching a noble in the mug. Perhaps there were some benefits to palling around with disgraced nobles and the bastard children of the upper crust of Taldoran society.
Unfortunately the interrogations took hours and by the time they were finished it was far too late at night to start out for the Beggar Woods and so, seeing as how they'd already paid for it, the party spent the night in the room that had previously belonged to the Night Swan.

The next morning the party set out but as they left the inn they were stopped by a priestess of Abadar, "Begging your pardon but are you Lord Ashmore? My lady, the High Priestess of the Bank of Abadar wishes a meeting with you at your leisure."

"Is the Bank far from here?" Cosgrove asked.

"No," replied the priestess, "It's just a few blocks from here. If you have a moment now I can take you there. I assure you that it shan't be a long meeting."

The party agreed that it would probably be for the best to speak with this High Priestess before setting off with the acolyte to the bank. It was, as the acolyte had promised, not far from the inn. The building was as ornate as one would expect to be and inside the party was perplexed by the sacred geometry and dazzled by the varied building materials.

An elegant looking woman emerged from the cloister and introduced herself as the Archbanker Lady Paril and invited Cosgrove and his entourage into her offices to discuss some matters. She prattled on about fixed rate mortgages and escrow and other such things. Cosgrove seemed a bit nervous and asked if his estate had a mortgage.

The Archbanker laughed and told him that it did not she merely wished to inform a gentleman of his social standing of the myriad of services offered by the Grand Bank of Abadar should he happen to need them. He thanked her and stood to leave but the Archbanker said that there was another reason she wanted to speak to him.

"She's got the hots for him," Bomo whispered to Goha.

If she did have the hots for Cosgrove she kept it to herself. What she wanted to speak to him about was a pair of missing priests from her bank. They had been sent to Staychys some time ago and had not returned yet or sent word of having arrived and since he was the lord of Staychys she had hoped that he would look into the matter.

The Archbanker thanked him and the party bid her adieu. The party then headed back to the inn to fetch their carriage and before departing decided to hire a messenger and send word to Ol' Scruddy back in Staychys and have him ask around about the missing bankers as they did not want to go out of their way and get sidetracked as they so often did.

As the carriage, which was getting somewhat cramped with another adventurer, trundled through the countryside towards the Beggar Woods, Basil told the party a bit about himself, and the region. His family were lesser nobles but enough time had passed that all they really had left were their titles and a bit of land but that suited him just fine as he would much rather spend his days hunting game than dealing with courtly pursuits anyway.

As dusk neared the party's carriage approached the village of Pensaris on the shores of Lake Pensaris. Basil explained that he had a house in the area where the party could rest for the evening as wandering around in the woods in the dead of night was something that not even an experienced woodsman such as himself recommended.

As the party ate dinner, Basil told them a bit more about the region, specifically about a monstrous fish living in the lake that everyone called The General. This fish was apparently so large that it once sank a local nobleman's pleasure barge. Basil also explained that a local weirdo, a halfling named Jeke who lived in a shack near the lake, claimed that the General was a fay creature capable of speech (that only Jeke could understand) but most folks just figured it was a particularly massive catfish.

"Listen fellas," Basil said after telling his tale of the General, "Some weirdos in the worm shop were talking a lot of junk about my prowess as an angler and I'd really like to show them up by bagging the General. I figure with all of us together it won't take all that long and after that I'll lead you right to where those bandits seem to be hiding out."

Everyone agreed that catching an oversized fish was exactly what the doctor ordered and so after a good night's sleep they set out bright and early the next morning to the shores of Lake Pensaris. The party put all their collective woodcraft, fancy book learnin', and street smarts to use and before long thought they had sussed out a possible location for the General and then out in the distance they saw a massive shadow.

"I think I might be able to swim out there," Bomo suggested, "Grapple it. Drag it back to the shore."

And so Bomo swam. Before long she found herself alongside a massive fish. It was the General. She punched it. The fish did not take too kindly to that and attempted to swallow her whole but Bomo avoided the catfish's gaping maw. From the shore the rest of the party hucked bombs and slung spells and loosed arrows at the General. Goha briefly considered casting Lightning into the lake as that would certainly kill the General though would probably also kill Bomo. While Bomo was fairly good natured about occasionally getting hit with arrows or splash damage from explosives or the stray Sonic Scream, Goha figured that she probably would not enjoy being dead and thus stuck to magic missiles.

The behemoth catfish again attempted to swallow Bomo but it did not go particularly well for it. From the shore Bomo could hear her friends shouting what seemed to her to be words of encouragement but were in actually pleas for her to "get the fuck outta there."

Spurred on by her friends Bomo let out a mighty roar and delivered a flurry of blows into the fish's face killing him dead. She then grabbed the General by the tail and began to swim back towards the shore.

Next Time of War for the Crown...

Season 2 Episode 15: In Which Ol' Jeke's Warnings of Doom Come to Pass or The Party and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day (March 26, 2022)
Game Master: sarapen
Players: Bomo Frugglemop-Crabbe (Nudeviking), "Dame" Goha (patbat), Peak Dartbox (Celebith), Cosgrove Ashmore (Baron von Costume), and Basil Dalassene (Douay-Rheims-Challoner)
Location: Merratt County

As Bomo hauled the corpse of The General out of the lake and onto the shore, a grizzled old halfling strolled over muttering, "An ill omen this is...oh yes, and ill omen indeed. Believe Old Jeke when he tells you calamity is in store for the lot of you."

Bomo sighed and told her companions she would talk to the Old Weird. She approached him and greeted him in Hobbitese before telling him that she had just been swimming in the lake when she was attacked by the fish and had no choice but to defend herself. Her words seemed to calm Old Jeke for some reason..perhaps he had just been lonely and wanted someone to talk to...so he cooled it with the "DOOM!" talk but did tell Bomo that she should tell her companions, who were in the midst of discussing (rather loudly) the best way to eat The General, that they might not want to go through with that as The General ate people and therefore eating him would be cannibalism. She told him that she would and then said goodbye to the Old Weird and rejoined her companions.

When she joined them, Cosgrove had already extracted several vials of poison from the fish, so perhaps there was something to be said for Jeke's warning after all. Bomo told the others of Jeke's warning but they were all college educated and had fancy book learning and told her that the natural order didn't work like that and also that there were a ton of things that had poisonous bits that were otherwise completely fine to eat so she needn't worry.

It was soon decided that they would butcher the General and salt the meat in order to feed folks back in Staychys. They would keep the head and mount it as a trophy and possibly enchant it with a Magic Mouth spell to make it sing fish based parodies of popular songs of the day in order to impress the weirdos at the bait shop.



There was also the matter of the sunken pleasure barge. With The General now taken care of it would be safe enough to salvage the wrecked ship and claim whatever valuables were still down in the murky depths of the lake. Basil, being from the area, knew approximately where in the lake the ship had sunk and offered to swim down and take a look and see if there was anything noticeably shiny that he could grab and so he swam out.

Back on shore the party wondered if the General had swallowed any treasure. Bomo volunteered to crawl inside the dead fish's mouth and look around in its guts but was quickly talked out of it. They would find any treasures that were inside the fish when they butchered it. So engrossed was the party with all this talk of stomach treasure and climbing into a fish "Pinocchio Style" that none of them immediately noticed Basil cramp up and start to drown. 

"Shouldn't Basil have come up by now?" Bomo asked after a couple minutes. As if on cue, Basil's body floated to the surface. Bomo slow motion ran across the beach and stumbled inelegantly into the water and began to slowly doggy paddle out towards Basil.



Goha, in a rare instance of clearheadedness, tied a rudimentary lasso out of some rope and then used Mage Hand to ensure that the rope found its mark. Together with Cosgrove and Peak she then pulled Basil back onto the shore and performed CPR on him. As he returned from the brink of death, Basil spit water out of his mouth like they do in every cartoon or Hollywood movie when someone gets saved from drowning.

"Lesson learned," he said as he sat up and shook the water out of his ears, "I'm never going swimming again."

"Or if you do, maybe tie a rope around yourself first," the others suggested.

It was, however, decided that instead of risking life and limb trying to swim down to a sunken treasure barge they would have their minions do it instead and so they sent their carriage driver back to Staychys to gather some stouthearted individuals to do some salvage work. While he was there he was also told to bring back some salt and barrels so they could salt the catfish meat and send it back to Staychys. Before he departed, Peak also told the driver to be sure to bring back the two guardsmen that had come to Staychys from Jambis along with the stouthearted salvage crew. Peak worried that once word of the General's death got out other treasure hunters might have the same idea and come looking to jump their claim so it would be beneficial to have a couple of bad dudes that were handy with the steel on hand to guard their workers.

The next day a wagon arrived from Staychys with workmen, salt, barrells, and a couple of guardsmen. There was also a letter from Piscum for Cosgrove explaining that the workmen who had gone off to repair the bridge over the Gold Canyon had been attacked by a giant lizard monster and wouldn't be able to continue work on it until Cosgrove and his underlings dealt with the monster.

The letter also informed Cosgrove that he needed to return to Staychys as someone was recently arrested for poaching and there needed to be a trial before he could be hanged. The party had a good laugh about how much of a farce that trial would be if it had already been decided that the poacher was going to be hanged.

As both those things would have required them to leave the search for the Night Swan, Cosgrove sent a letter back to Piscum that something urgent had come up and so she was to take the accused poacher into custody and await his return for the trial. The bridge monster would similarly have to wait.

Then after telling the workmen and guards what needed doing, the party got back into their carriage and headed toward the Beggarwood. The trip was rather uneventful and by late afternoon they had arrived at the makeshift marketplace that the party had been accosted at when coming in Merratt County from Oppara all those weeks ago.

The party hopped out of the carriage and while Bomo went to look at the wares spread out on the various blankets the others asked around about local banditos to see if anyone could help lead them towards the Night Swan. They learned that the woods were run by a quartet of banditos known as the Four Hoods and after a bit of diplomatic language convinced the erstwhile merchants to arrange a meeting with the Four Hoods. A small child was dispatched to the bandito camp and the party waited.

"Guys I bought this really cool flick knife!" Bomo said as she rejoined her companions.

"Cool. We got a lead on some banditos who might be able to help us find the Night Swan," replied the rest of the party.

A moment later the small child returned accompanied by a pair of unsavory looking characters: emissaries to the Four Hoods. 

"Oi! So you lot want to meet the Four Hoods yeah?" one of the unsavory looking fellows muttered.

"Indeed we do!" said Peak.

"A'ight…here's the deal then. You're going to leave your weapons here and then we'll blindfold you and take you to go meet them," the other unsavory character said.

The party huddled together. They did not like the idea of leaving their valuables behind unguarded so Bomo offered to go on her own. She, afterall, had little use for conventional arms. The party thought this was a splendid idea though scoffed at the notion of Bomo conducting negotiations.

"These aren't baronets and contessas," she replied, "they're banditos. I probably have more in common with them then I do with those fancypants folks we generally hobknob with."

The party saw some logic in this but still thought it would be best if maybe someone else went with her. As Goha was also not at a massive disadvantage in unarmed combat should negotiates break down she too went along. Basil, knowing the region and being somewhat skilled in woodcraft was chosen as the third member as those skills would come in handy should the party need to beat a hasty retreat and fine their way back. With that decided the party left their arms with Cosgrove and Peak and allowed themselves to be blindfolded by the the unsavory characters.

They were then marched through the woods until some time later they were told to stop. The smells of burning wood filled their nostrils and they could hear the sound of several people arguing before their blindfolds were removed. They found themselves in a small clearing. Four individuals were sitting on logs surrounding the dying embers of a campfire. Opposite the party stood the Night Swan.

"Fuck..." Bomo muttered at the sight of her.

"You?!" the Night Swan exclaimed, "She's the one I was telling you about that punched me in the gut!" 

One of the four banditos seated on the log shushed the Night Swan and then addressed the party, saying, "We heard that you lot wanted to discuss some business with us."

"Yeah about her," Bomo said pointing at the Night Swan, "More specifically killing her."

"Murder?!" exclaimed on of the Four Hoods, "Well right now she has guest right so it would be pretty bad form for us to murder her and we're nothing if not adherants to the strict Bandito Code...and even if we weren't murder would be a bit costly."

"How much?" Bomo asked.

"20,000..." said one of the Four Hoods in a matter of fact tone.

"That is a bit more than I was expecting..." Bomo said.

Goha then interjected with some fancy book-learnin' talk and said that the Night Swan had violated the Bandito Code and made all the banditos of Merratt County look bad in doing so and that was why she needed to die. If the Four Hoods were not willing to kill her outright then perhaps she could argue her case against the Night Swan first and the Four Hoods could render a verdict.

"We could do that," the Four Hoods replied after a moment of deliberation, "but it will cost you. We are, afterall, very busy people what with running a criminal empire."

"How much?" asked Goha.

"2,000," replied one of the Four Hoods.

"How about I give you 1,000 and this magic wand and we call it even?" Goha said trying to haggle the price down a bit. She loved a good haggle but so rarely got to partake since they arrived in Merratt County.

"It's a deal," said the Four Hoods as they agreed to her offer, "Please be seated so the trial can begin!"

"This is unbelievable…" the Night Swan muttered, "Why are you listening to these rich assholes anyway?"

"Shadup and sit down," one of the Four Hoods told her.

The Night Swan pouted and sat down as did the party of adventurers. Goha then addressed the Four Hoods explaining their grievence with the Night Swan. She used all her fancy book learnin' and a mess of five gold piece words to paint the Night Swan as a detriment to their banditry.

"She's stealing exclusively from the rich and powerful and eventually that will attract some unwanted attention..." Goha started.

"Yeah!" Bomo shouted, "Like turn her over now or maybe a mess of constables will head down here and fuck all your shit up!"

"Constables? Are you guys cops?!" the Four Hoods shouted, "We hate cops!"

Goha elbowed Bomo in the ribs and told her to shut up. She then tried to smooth things over with the Four Hoods, "No. No. No. We're not cops. My overly passionate friend was just trying to express how bad things could turn out for you all if you allow the Night Swan to continue to operate in your jurisdiction of banditry."

Her words calmed the Four Hoods down somewhat but Goha worried that Bomo's hasty words had already caused permanent damage so when a moment later Bomo again opened her mouth, this time to address the Night Swan, her heart stopped but fortunately this time the halfling's words were far more rational and pointed.

Bomo accused the Night Swan of being a hypocritical bastard who was just as rich as all the "evil rich people" she was stealing from. She then asked the Night Swan how much of her own money she was giving to the poor or downtrodden.

"Where do you sleep at night?" Bomo asked the Night Swan, "Are you sleeping in the streets? Do you sleep in a tent or do you go back to your cousin's fancy mansion when you're done playing Bandito Queen for the night?"

"Well he's not actually my cousin. I'm just using that as cover. He's too dumb and self-centered to figure it out," the Night Swan replied, "But none of that matters. This entire thing is a farce. Fuck this nonsense. I'm outta here."

She then stood and started to walk off but Bomo stood up and screamed, "Just give me back my statue!" She then charged at the Night Swan and took a swing at her. Goha had read accounts of mob lawyers who had done masterful work to get their clients off the hook for various misdeeds only to have those saidsame clients immediately ruin all that effort in a fit of anger. As she watched Bomo smack the Night Swan around she knew how those lawyers must have felt.

"What the fuck!" the Four Hoods bellowed, "Calm the fuck down!"

"I've got no beef with any of you!" Bomo yelled back, "So just stay out of this and let me do my thing!"

But the Four Hoods did not stay out of it or let Bomo do her thing. Instead two of them attempt to tackle her. They were not particularly skilled in grappling though and Bomo was easily able to avoid their sloppy graps. Both of the Hoods had left themselves wide open to counter attack but what Bomo said was true, she had no desire to fight them, so instead of punching them square in the mug or driving a knee into their ribs as they lunged at her she just moved aside so that crashed into the ground. She soon regretted this though as once they stood back up the Four Hoods again attempted to fight her.

It was clear to Goha and Basil that negotiations had completely and utterly failed and so they sprang into action. Goha decided that she wasn't fucking around and cast LIT3 on the Night Swan causing her magical teleportation cape to burst into flames. Basil, lacking his bow, looked around for something that he could use as a weapon and found a 2 x 4 on the ground that he picked up and swung wildly at the half-orc Hood closest to him. She managed to avoid it and began casting spells. The party's vibe suddenly felt slightly off and the Night Swan and the Four Hoods capitalized on this. 

First Bomo was tripped and then Goha got stabbed in the back by a halfling bandito that had earlier quaffed a potion and vanished from sight. Goha collapsed in a bloody heap. Another spell was cast and Bomo then found herself still on the ground, completely unable to move. She mentally cursed the weird vibes that the half-orc wizard had brought about as the Night Swan hurled a spear at her. It sank deep into her side and had she been able to move her mouth she would have shouted out in agony.

Basil had seen quite enough and with little desire to die a death threw down his 2 x 4, put his hands up and declared that he surrendered saying, "I barely know these people..."

The banditos surrounded him and restrained him, binding his wrists with manacles. After cuffing Basil they turned their attention back to Bomo who they dragged back to her feet and slapped a pair of manacles on as well. She seethed with anger. She was mad at the banditos for being so unreasonable and mad at the Night Swan for stealing her shit but more than that mad that she herself had caused the situation to go so wildly out of control. She looked at Goha who was a bloody mess on the ground. Fortunately Goha was not dead as the banditos revived her with smelling salts and shackled her as well. 

The Four Hoods laughed to themselves and hooted and hollered about the size of the ransom they'd be able to get for the lives of three nobles as they jostled the erstwhile heroes into a tent. Between Basil nearly dying and now this, maybe Old Jeke's warnings of dire calamity hadn't been quite so insane as they had first thought.

Season 2 Episode 17: BEANS!!!! (June 11, 2022)
Game Master: sarapen
Players: Bomo Frugglemop-Crabbe (Nudeviking), "Dame" Goha (patbat), Peak Dartbox (Celebith), Cosgrove Ashmore (Baron von Costume), and Basil Dalassene (Douay-Rheims-Challoner [played this week by everyone else])
Location: Merratt County

With justice meted out, the party celebrated with a few beers in the tavern…a few beers that gave way to mixed drinks, which in turn gave way to shots. They all awoke the next morning still in the tavern but acts of heroism do not have time for hangovers so the party members splashed cold water on their faces and got in their carriage and headed off towards Gold Canyon. The workmen they'd sent to repair the bridge there had fled after being attacked by some sort of giant lizard monster thing. There were also rumors that the missing acolytes of Big Business: The Religion were last seen heading in the direction of the Gold Canyon. The party hoped that they'd be able to kill two birds with one stone and find the missing acolytes and take care of a work disrupting lizard monster at the same time. Far too often their various tasks had taken them exceedingly far afield and required many hours of jackassing between point A and point B.

The trip to Gold Canyon was quite uneventful and several hours later the party found themselves upon the crumbling bridge. Some tools and materials were left abandoned on the edge of the canyon from when the workmen had fled. Goha and Peak cast detect magic down into the canyon and around the surrounding area to see if there was anything magical in the area. They discovered something down in the canyon, on the far bank of the stream that passed through the center of it. The party, save for Basil who agreed to stay up on the ruined bit of bridge and provide cover fire for them should something pop off down in the creek, headed down a rough hewn staircase down into the canyon. They then made their way through the muddy creek towards the area when Goha and Peak detected magic. As they got closer Cosgrove could see that it was a body but could not tell if it was alive or dead. A short while later they were beside the body and could tell that it was, in fact, pretty dead. It had been mangled badly by something and there were large puncture wounds in it's back.

Goha, recognizing the robes the mangled corpse was dressed in, told the party that this individual was likely one of the missing acolytes of Big Business: The Religion as they were dressed in the accoutrements of one. Bomo meanwhile tossed the body, and found a scabbard with a really cool wolf on it and a chakram. Undoubtedly one of those items had been the magical item that Peak and Goha had detected. The party heard moaning coming from a nearby cave and since possibly saving the other acolyte from certain death was a more pressing matter than determining which item was magical, Bomo stuffed both in her backpack and led the way towards the cave.

As the party neared the cave, however, a massive snakelike creature emerged from the murky water. It was the dreaded GOLDPEBBLE! Basil, who had spent his life in Marratt County was well aware of the tales of the fearsome Goldpebble but his companions merely howled with laughter when he shouted, "LOOK OUT! IT'S GOLDPEBBLE!" from on high.



The party attempted to maneuver in the squelching muck that was the riverbank in order to engage the screaming Goldpebble. Spells were slung, and explosives hucked, and arrows shot from above. Goldpebble was already fairly badly wounded and let out a mighty roar and then coiled it's body around Bomo, who was closest to it, and tried to drag her underwater. Bomo, being a grappler by trade, managed to slip out of Goldpebble's clutches and punch it in the dick...or in the area where a dick would have been had it not been a reptile monster. Goldpebble did not take kindly to this and sank its teeth into Bomo's shoulder. It stung but she was fortunate that that was all that it did. For she would later learn that Goldpebble's bites were highly venomous and those poisoned by it would have their blood turned into water (something that Goha and Cosgrove with their fancy book-learnin' assured her was not a good thing to have happen to one's blood).

For all its sound and fury, Goldpebble proved to be a rather unworthy adversary. Its corpse soon lay on the muddy riverbank, flecks of gold dust glimmering on its back. While Goha and Bomo tried to figure out if it would be worthwhile to scrape the gold dust from Goldpebble's back, Peak crawled into the cave and found the body of another acolyte of Big Business: The Church. This one was still alive, though barely and so Peak cast spells of healing and Cosgrove fed the acolyte a potion to neutralize the poison that ran through the acolyte's veins.

The acolyte thanked the party for rescuing them and explained how Goldpebble had attacked them and how he crawled into the cave, badly injured and only was able to survive because of the power of Banking...and also wall-water and mushrooms that had been growing in the cave. They then asked about their companion. Peak said their companion wasn't quite so fortunate. Bomo asked about funerary rites for followers of Big Business: The Religion and offered to haul the acolyte's companion out of the canyon to the carriage so they could bring it back to their temple to perform the funerary rites properly. The acolyte was most thankful and together with the party, headed up out of the canyon and back towards Staychys.

It was late at night when they arrived back in town and Cosgrove offered the acolyte a room at the manorhouse for the evening as it was too late to go any further. Again the acolyte was most thankful and in the morning told Cosgrove that when he brought his companion's body back to the temple for proper burial he would as the Chief Accountant of Big Business: The Religion to be relocated to the temple in Staychys. As having a cleric capable of casting spells of healing would be a boon to the town, the party readily accepted the acolytes offer and told him that he could set up shop in the newly improved temple in town upon his return.

As the party watched the acolyte head off from the manorhouse, the Honorary Piscum walked the path. She greeted Cosgrove and informed him that the beans were ready to harvest and that it would be ill advised to delay harvesting them any longer. Cosgrove agreed and the entire town sprang into action. Peak Dartbox and Goha summoned Unseen Servants to assist in haulin' baskets of beans from the fields to the wagon which would take them to the grainery or the mill while Cosgrove and Basil used their knowledge of basic mathematics to count the beans. Bomo, who could neither summon magical bean picking entities, or count much past twenty, was left to engage in backbreaking manual labor and spent the entire three day harvest period in various states of exhaustion. But, the harvest was a success. There were more than enough beans to feed the citizens of the town through the year and enough left over that the town would actually turn a profit once the beans were sold.

The party was rather pleased with the outcome. They had come to Merratt County in order undermine Count Bartleby so that Princess Eutropia could establish a seat of power in the area but each of them felt some measure of pride that through their hard work they had managed to improve the lots of the residents of Staychys, if only marginally so. They decided to head to the tavern for some ones that were cold, for a one that isn't cold is scarcely a one at all...

As they made their way towards the tavern/courthouse/Piscum's domicile, they were confronted by a sleazy looking dude and several superstitious mercenaries. The party had a bad feeling about this since everyone knew that criminals were a superstitious and cowardly lot so it was quite likely that these superstitious fellows were, in fact, criminals of some sort.



The sleazy fellow spoke, introducing himself as Giada Eta, official tax collector of Count Bartleby. The man waved around an official looking paper while he listed the myriad of taxable amenities in the town. Eta then declared that they owned a sum of 3000 gold coins which everyone in the party thought was utterly outrageous. Peak asked to see the document which he quickly examined and compared to the invitation to the Jubilee which also bore Bartleby's signature. It appeared to be legit but the sum still seemed fishy so Peak played it cool. Cosgrove meanwhile took umbrage with the fact that Eta, were he an actual tax collector had no idea how basic economics functioned.

"We literally just harvested the crops. You have to wait for us to sell them before you can come and collect taxes on them unless you want to take literal beans back to Bartleby," he told the tax collector.

Eta, for whatever reason, dug in his heels and was adamant that he be paid right that instant. This insistence caused the party to become even more certain that something was amiss with the "tax collector" and so Peak informed him that they had business with Bartleby anyway and would take the taxes to him directly. Again, for some reason Eta was vehemently against this and insisted on being paid immediately.

Eta the "Tax Collector" then began to cast a spell and Peak sprang into action, attempting to cast SLEEP before Eta could get his spell off. Unfortunately for Peak, Eta was faster on the cast. Fortunately for the party, the "spell" Eta cast was some simple stage magic, designed to amaze and rally his minions into action.

"I guess we're fighting it out..." Bomo said as she got into a fighting stance, "I just want the record to show that none of this is my fault this time. I haven't said a single thing this entire time."

A moment later a swarm of poisonous frogs, summoned by Goha, appeared and began attacking Eta and his superstitious minions. Cosgrove added to the pile of venomous vermin by vomiting a swarm of centipedes at Eta and his men before Peak managed to finish casting SLEEP and causing a number of men to sleep.

Some of the mercenaries rushed at the party and as they did, Bomo took one of them down with a double leg takedown and grabbed a side headlock. More spells were slung, and soon Eta and a number of the mercenaries were also on fire. Elsewhere a mercenary attempted to slash Cosgrove with his longsword but was so inept that he ended up dropping it. Cosgrove then injected himself with some manner of concoction and transformed into a hideously malformed monster-man. He kicked the man's sword away and then scratched the mercenary with his spear. The mercenary in response delivered a tremendous blow with his dagger.

Bomo attempted to keep the mercenary grappled but he slipped out and slashed her deeply with his sword. She sighed. She hadn't wanted to kill any of these fools but now she was going to have to wash her clothes. Did these idiots know how hard it was to get blood out of a tunic? And to say nothing of the mending she was going to have to do. She punched the man in the face with such force that his neck snapped and he died instantly. A bolt of shadowy darkness then flew past her and hit another mercenary, vanquishing him to the shadow realm for all eternity.

With most of the mercenaries dead or badly injured, and Eta stunned, on fire, and slowly being devoured by poisonous frogs and centipedes, the party asked him if he yielded.

"Up yours..." he responded weakly. A poisonous frog then bit him on the nards and he perished.

The sole surviving mercenary then asked, "Um...is it cool if I yield?"

"That depends on what you saw here," Peak said.

"Well, Mister Eta over there just went buckwild and attacked you for absolutely no reason..." the mercenary said nervously, "That's all I saw, honest!" It was a good answer so Peak offered the man a job in town since it wouldn't do well for the man to stray too far from where they could keep an eye on him. The mercenary, happy to be alive, accepted.

There was now just the matter of the bodies. No one would care about some dead mercenaries, but a dead man that might have actually been a nobleman under the employ of the Count? People might start asking questions. The party would need to think up a way to answer or avoid those questions all together.

Sorry I missed it, ended up completely devoid of internet as expected.

Season 2 Episode 20: JOSH! (November 12, 2022)
Game Master: sarapen
Players: Bomo Frugglemop-Crabbe (Nudeviking), "Dame" Goha (patbat), Peak Dartbox (Celebith), Cosgrove Ashmore (Baron von Costume), and Basil Dalassene (Douay-Rheims-Challoner)
Location: The Beggarwood

It was evening when the party arrived in Pensaris and the party thought it best to look for lodging for the night. Basil had a modest villa in town but feared it would be much too cramped and uncomfortable for a party of five adventurers in addition to the coachman and horses and so the party decided to pay the Baron Okerra a visit first and discuss the bandito situation in the Beggarwoods. If he could provide lodging for them afterwards they would pass the night there otherwise they'd go rent rooms at the inn.

As the party made their way towards Baron Okerra's estate they found that Pensaris was a fairly well maintained township, at least in comparison to some of the other baronies the party had visited. The roads were in good repair and the houses they passed were tidy. Before long they found themselves at the gates to the Okerra estate. They announced themselves to a footman and a moment later were brought before the Baron in his great hall. He greeted them warmly and said that he'd wished they'd announced their arrival earlier as he would have made arrangements for a meal. Okerra then asked what brought them to Pensaris and Cosgrove explained their earlier dealings with the Four Hoods and how the party believed them to be in league with the Night Swan. He went on to explain that the party was going to go and put a stop to them once and for all.

"They stole my bust!" Bomo interjected, "Uh...a statue I mean...not my tits. Those I still have."

"I think everyone here understands that you meant statuary," Basil said.

Okerra cleared his throat and sympathized with Bomo saying, "Yes, those banditos have become bolder in recent days. I have implored Count Bartleby to send men to help quash the bandits in the Beggarwood as here in Pensaris we only have the manpower to patrol the roads and deal with those bandits bold or foolish enough to act upon the highways, but Bartleby never saw fit to send soldiers."

The Baron paused a moment and then added, "He was probably too busy having weird animal parties..."

The party asked Okerra if he had any inkling as to where the banditos' camp was but he said he did not, explaining, "As I mentioned we haven't had the manpower to launch a full-fledged campaign against them so I'm as ignorant of their location as you are. That being said I would be more than willing to accompany you in your hunt for these banditos that have plagued our lands. It's been far too long since I've ridden with a crew of heroes and chop-fucked the shit out of some real assholes. So shall we sent off in the morning?"

The party agreed and early the next morning they set out with Baron Okerra for the Beggarwoods. As they neared the area in which they had twice before encountered a makeshift market the found it to be deserted and several times they noticed movement in the trees and bushes on either side of the road.

"Be on your guard fellows," Okerra said, "I feel we are being watched."

No sooner had Okerra issued his warning than a pair of arrows plunked into the ground in front of the carriage. In the distance the party saw a pair of scruffy looking banditos standing infront of a makeshift tent. They hollered that those shots were just warnings but the next ones would be for real. Peak took umbrage with this threat and let loose with a heroic barrage of insults and profanity that shook the banditos to their very core and caused them to flee into the woods.

Okerra started after them on his warhorse, oblivious to the tripwire that lay across the path and would have caused a pair of logs to slam into him should he trip it. Fortunately for him Bomo caught sight of the trap and yelled for Okerra to stop which he did.

"Woah that was a close call!" he said.

"Yes, you were very nearly Ewoked!" Bomo replied, "We should be careful."


Being "Ewoked"

Cosgrove agreed and then promptly fell into a concealed pit trap. He wasn't seriously hurt and Bomo had a length of rope in her backpack so after a couple minutes of pulling and climbing and one Cure Light Wounds spell-cast later the party was ready to continue on their way. They left their horses with the carriage driver and told him to hit the bricks if things got hairy and then entered the woods.

The banditos had not been particularly careful while fleeing so Basil had a fairly easy time tracking them. After awhile it became clear that the banditos had split up but the party, having actually learned their lesson the last time they split up in these woods elected to stick together and follow one path. If nothing of value turned up they'd just backtrack and follow the other. Luckily for them the path they decided to follow led them right to one bandito, cornered in a gully with nowhere left to run.

"I yield!" the bandito said, "I yield!"

Bomo walked up to the bandito and smacked him in mouth, knocking his ass out. With the bandito unconscious she quickly hogtied him with her rope and then asked in anyone had any smelling salts.

"Uh...should she have done that?" Baron Okerra asked.

"It's easier just to let her do things her way sometimes..." a resigned Cosgrove replied.

The bandito was roused and Bomo asked him what his name was.

"J-J-J-Josh..." he replied, still shaken and possibly concussed from the blow to head, "Please don't kill me."

"I'm not going to kill you Josh. At least not now since we need you to take us back to your bosses camp," Bomo replied.

"Okay! I'll do whatever you want...please just don't hurt me anymore. I have a mother that I take care of."

"Your mother is disappointed in all your life choices Josh!" Bomo told him as she hoisted him up.

"Probably..." Josh replied.

It was then that Goha noticed Josh's boner. She yelled out, "Dude you are tenting something fierce over there Josh! What's going on? Is it just the ropes or the fact that a hobbit just kicked the shit out of you?"

Josh looked flustered and said, "I don't want to talk about it. Can I just take you to the Four Hoods' camp?"

"Before he does, pants him so he can't try and run again," Peak suggested.

"Is that really necessary?" Josh asked, "I'm already tied up pretty tightly...on this is silk rope isn't it, that's the good stuff...I'm not going to run away."

But Bomo didn't care and yanked his pantaloons down and then kicked him in the rump and told him to lead the way. Josh sighed and shuffled through the woods, his pants around his ankles. Some time later the party arrived at the Four Hoods' camp. Josh promptly stepped on a snare trap that left him hanging upside above the party, his dong flapping about.

Gerta, the half-orc bandito growled, "We knew you'd come back with the cops..."

"What cops?" asked Bomo.

"She's probably talking about me," Okerra said.

"Well, you shaved my fuckin' eyebrows off! It's time to die!" Bomo shouted.

The party quickly engaged the Four Hoods, throws bombs and doing nasty-ass flying sidekicks and shit. Banditos were getting electrocuted left and right. Basil put an arrow right through the throat of one bandito killing her instantly while Bomo and the halfling bandito, Ginnit brawled violently. Above them she could hear Josh moaning, "Yeah that's it! That's the hot halfling on hafling action ol' Josh needs!"

"Ew Josh! If you cum on us I swear to the gods I will kick your ass!" Bomo shouted.

Ginnit nodded, and said, "I will too Josh, you nasty-ass perv!" She then swung at Bomo with her sword but missed.

As the battle raged a figure emerged from the shadows. It was the Night Swan. She hurled a dart at Bomo but missed. Bomo flipped her off and went back to pounding on Ginnit. Spells were cast and the Night Swan hucked a smoke bomb to conceal herself and one of the Four Hoods, but that shit had no effect on Magic Missile so Goha just let them rip and merked the shit out of both of them. Little by little the party and Baron Okerra kicked the shit out of the Four Hoods and before long all of the bandits were corpsed up save for Josh who was still hanging above them.

"Do you want us to cut your down Josh?" asked Bomo.

"Not yet," Josh replied, "I kind of like it up here." And it was obvious to all that he did indeed enjoy being hung upside down by his foot.

"JOSH!" everyone yelled in disgust as the camera did a 1980s sitcom freeze-frame on Josh's grinning mug.