Players: Bomo Frugglemop (
Nudeviking ), Cosgrove Ashmore (
Baron von Costume ), Goha (
patbat ), Peak Dartbox (
Celebith)
Missing: Aloysius Abastion (@wearytraveler ), Sterrance Mips (
Roy Batty's Pet Dove )
Location: Senate of Taldor
We begin at the Exaltation Gala as our intrepid party are summoned by their employer, Lady Martella Lotheed, through a telepathic message she sends via their magic security badges. However, Sterrance Mips has been mistaken for a servant and dragged away for unknown and possibly sexual reasons. The rest of the party all shrug and continue on with what they were doing. They’ve only known each other for like a couple of hours, so they’re more like new coworkers than boon companions they would lay down their lives for.
Martella has summoned them to the visitors’ gallery above the senate floor where guests may watch the machinery of state at work (i.e., watch old men yell at each other about funding allocation and tax legislation). During the gala the gallery is being used as a space to entertain the children of the various nobles and there are various jugglers and acrobats and whatnot wowing the little brats.
Lady Martella quickly pretends she wasn’t enjoying the juggling and gets down to brass tacks. She asks our heroes how the gala has been going so far, to which they answer that they sabotaged a wine bottle, delivered some mail, and swayed a baron to Princess Eutropia’s cause of changing the inheritance laws to allow women to be heirs. Also, Sterrance eavesdropped on a conversation between the high general Maxillar Pythareus and Earl Vernisant. However, he didn’t have a chance to tell them what he learned before he was shanghaied for something or other involving gnome servants (so no one else besides Sterrance knows yet the horrible secret of who killed Cosgrove’s father).
Overall, Martella is pleased at the progress of her agents, congratulating Goha in particular at getting half the kitchen servants fired thanks to that stunt with the poltergeist. She tells them that they’re certainly earning that 150 gp she promised them. She also reminds them that if they finish all their missions, she’ll double their pay to 300 gp each. Our heroes are concerned upon hearing this since Aloysius is still getting tuned up at the local cop shop and leaving his mission undone is basically leaving money on the table. They ask her the details of Aloysius’ mission, and she tells them that it is to discover the voting intentions of two aristocrats: Countess Abrielle Pace and Duke Leonard Centimus.
Martella is also pleased that the party has taken the initiative in getting themselves introductions to not just Lady Gloriana Morilla, but Princess Eutropia Stavian herself. Eutropia’s public acknowledgement of Cosgrove and Peak has inclined the gala crowd to be less judgemental towards our heroes. Specifically, if at any point anyone in the party manages to stick their foot in their mouth, the other person will pretend not to have heard and our hero can try a different and less dumb way of expressing themselves (i.e., re-rolling an attempt at socialization).
Additionally, Peak’s guitar playing softened the attitudes of the audience he played for in the courtyard. Tongues were loosened and the party has learned certain useful gossip regarding the soft spots and weaknesses of the bigwigs at the gala.
Of course, Peak and Bomo still need to complete their missions as well. Bomo only needs to run some messages back and forth and not fall on her ass, but Peak needs to spread vile rumours about Princess Eutropia’s political opponents, specifically the head of the military, Maxillar Pythareus. Goha points out that she still has 15 minutes left on that Unseen Servant she summoned and asks whether it would be useful to have her poltergeist pants Maxillar.
Our heroes get into a technical discussion on whether or not a poltergeist is dexterous enough to unzip a man’s fly or perhaps it can only rip a bodice, but Martella interrupts and tells her agents to decide among themselves how they want to do their missions. But there’s another reason she summoned her agents besides checking in on them, and that was to assign another mission to our heroes: Lady Malphene Trant.
You see, it seems that Lady Trant is a miserable twat and will probably strongarm some senators into voting her father’s way. Martella asks her agents to keep an eye out and to quietly intercede should they spot some underhanded doings. Peak asks her to clarify how “quiet” she wants her political opponent to be; she replies that she didn’t recruit them to be a Nicaraguan death squad. Upon seeing Malphene’s picture, Goha agrees that she looks like a complete knob and declares that instead of pantsing the old general guy she’ll pants Malphene Trant.
This is the point in all business meetings when people lost interest in the official talking points and start talking about unrelated crap. Bomo, for instance, starts asking about whether pigs in a blanket are available at this shindig. It’s pointed out to her that with the 300 gp bonus that’s waiting for her, she can buy many pigs in a blanket, but Bomo is a professional fighter who’s probably had too many blows to the head and she has to be reminded of how money works again.
It’s clear that there’s no more useful things left to be said at this meeting so Martella adjourns things for now. On the way out Bomo notices a fellow halfling entertaining the nobles’ kids – Wyssilka the Fantabulous, juggler, acrobat, minor prestidigitator, and probable Juggalo.
Bomo tries to flirt with Wyssilka and she doesn’t say no, but she does ask if Bomo wants to help her entertain the kids. Bomo can’t stand kids so she immediately gets out of there and says she has a letter to deliver, then while rushing off she slips and falls down the stairs.
Peak is busy planning his character assassination of a respected public figure and has settled on a libellous ditty about poor Prince Carrius, whose death in a riding accident precipitated this succession crisis and who Peak subtly implies was killed by High Strategos Maxillar Pythareus. For something whipped up on the fly, the song is a surprise hit and it’s set to become the Pathfinder world’s version of Hamilton (P.S. the world is called Golarion). This is some Tupac versus Biggie dissing up in this song. The seed of doubt has been planted in the audience’s minds and they start reconsidering the official story of the death of their beloved prince. Peak’s whisper campaign is off to a good start.
Cosgrove decides to join in on Goha’s plan to embarrass Malphene Trant and whips up a nice little stink bomb. It’s not the weapons grade shit that a serious alchemist would create – the kind of stink bomb that would blanket an area with stank and nauseate anyone caught in the fog. Instead it’s just some junior prankster stuff that you’d buy from a joke shop. Also, it makes the target smell like they shit themselves.
Now it’s Goha’s turn and she puts her poltergeist plan into motion. Goha orders her Unseen Servant to give Malphene Trant a wardrobe malfunction. However, it’s not smart enough or nimble-fingered enough to rip apart haute couture so Goha settles for ordering it to lift up Malphene’s skirts. It’s a success and Malphene’s skirt is flipped up over her head, exposing her panties to the crowd. The crowd laughs as Malphene’s sycophants try to help her and make profuse apologies about the sudden gust of wind. Its final duty done, the Unseen Servant’s time has finally run out and it poofs away after Goha’s summoning spell has reached its limit.
Bomo tries once again to deliver her letter and manages to get to Duke Leonard Centimus. She shoots the shit with him and asks him if he’s got the inside scoop on Wyssilka, the Juggalo acrobat on the top floor, to which he asks why the hell he would know anything about a children’s entertainer. Oh well, it didn’t hurt to ask.
Peak decides to earn some brownie points and entertain the nobles’ kids in the gallery. He performs some Barney-like songs for the enjoyment of the tiny aristocrats. It’s not his best work but the kids aren’t discerning critics and don’t flick any boogers at him, so it looks like they liked it okay.
Cosgrove decides to do this Politicking mission and chats up Countess Abrielle Pace to find out how she plans to vote. He wracks his mind for anything he knows about her, which is actually jackshit, so he opens by expressing an uncontroversial opinion about Princess Eutropia. Countess Pace takes this with equanimity, so Cosgrove has at least broken the ice with her.
Goha decides to chat up some of the other partygoers. She picks Marquess Tanasha Starborne as one of the few non-human bigwigs in the gala. Also her hair makes her stand out from the crowd.
Goha starts off by cranking up her Charisma by using her Enchanting Smile power. Then she introduces herself to Marquess Starborne and remarks that as a fellow non-human, she thinks it’s totally fucked up what’s happening in the forest or whatever where the gnomes live, you know, what with all the bad stuff that the humans are doing. She’s clearly pulling it all out of her ass but her Charisma is so high that she convinces the Marquess of her sincerity. She did manage to avoid mentioning that she has a gnome friend, so she didn’t quite sound so completely clueless.
Meanwhile, something is happening in the museum. Lady Martella’s instincts prove to be spot on about Malphene Trant. Dame Malphene has managed to get herself back together and is taking out her embarrassment on Junior Senator Amadorian Dou (the guy who gave Bomo a 2 gp tip for being such a darling little messenger) by grabbing him and frog-marching him into a waiting room in the upstairs gallery. Senator Dou is the proverbial 90-pound weakling and barely resists as he is strong-armed by the larger, taller, and stronger Malphene Trant.
Peak and Cosgrove are both in the gallery at the time and spot these shenanigans. Fortunately, Martella is still in the gallery as well and uses her badge to summon the rest of her agents upstairs. Goha makes her excuses to Marquess Starborne and she and Bomo quickly join the others in the gallery.
The team gathers round the door of the waiting room and prepares to start some shit. Goha casts a spell to fling the door open, after which Peak immediately casts Sleep by singing a soothing lullaby. Malphene and one of her lackeys are knocked out, but one of her sycophants fights through the effects and the other is too far away to be affected.
By the way, next time we’re rolling for Initiative can someone remind me to use the Initiative Tracker on Roll20? I’ve been doing it the old-fashioned way by writing down whose turn is when on a piece of paper, but Roll20 actually has something that does it for you. I just keep forgetting to turn it on before we start the Initiative rolls.
Bomo charges forward but her stubby little legs are too short for her to run across the room and punch her enemies in one turn, so she whips out her sling and gives one of the lackeys a rock to the head. This knocks the wind out of his sails and leaves him bleeding all over the hardwood flooring. Bomo completes her attack by flipping the guy off, telling him to suck it, and grabbing her crotch.
Cosgrove is unable to throw his perfectly good grenade once again thanks to that pesky bystander Senator Dou, who would be caught in the conflagration. Not having too many non-lethal options, he grabs a chess board from a nearby table and prepares to throw it at his opponents.
Speaking of Senator Dou, he takes this opportunity to curl up into a ball and cower as the fight goes on around him. Clearly Dame Malphene knew what she was doing when she targeted him for bullying. Bomo guesses out loud that he has anime in his satchel, but Goha guesses that it’s hentai manga instead.
Goha is in the back so she takes the opportunity to cast a spell to disguise herself and takes on the appearance of Malphene Trant. She then starts shouting that a horrible assassin has taken her place and not to be fooled by this evildoer. Her story doesn’t fool Senator Dou or the one guy who hasn’t been hurt yet, but the one Bomo hit with a rock falls for the disguise and is completely confused about what to do, especially since the Malphene who isn’t out cold is telling him to leave immediately.
Peak leaves the waiting room to distract the kids in the gallery from the commotion. One of the guards in the gallery noticed Peak possibly using magic so he steps forward to investigate. At first Peak spins a weak-ass story, but the guard knows that Princess Eutropia gave Peak the nod and gives him the benefit of the doubt, which Peak uses to convince the guard that no, that wasn’t a magic spell, that was just him singing for the kids (since all Bard spells are also songs). The guard accepts Peak’s version of events and moves along.
Back in the waiting room, the guy Bomo hit decides that things are getting too scary and surrenders. He stands quietly in a corner as things continue without him. Sychophant #2 thinks this is some weak-ass shit and moves forward to take a swing at Bomo. However, the little bastard is too slippery for him and he misses completely.
Bomo laughs in the sycophant’s face before retaliating with a savage one-two punch to his dick for 6 points of bludgeoning damage. The guy reacts by barfing on himself and passing out in a heap.
The battle is won but there’s still the one guy who surrendered. Goha, disguised as Malphene Trant, orders him to go home and also destroy all her clothes and furniture since that filthy assassin probably touched them all. The guy doesn’t understand but he also doesn’t really want to stay around so he says okay and quickly leaves the room while dripping blood on the floor. The team tells Senator Dou to beat feet and get to Martella, which he promptly does.
Of course, to the victor goes the spoils, so the team quickly strips naked everyone who’s unconscious and piles them into a heap on a couch in the corner of the room. Mostly they’re trying to make it look like to whoever finds them that there’s some kind of Eyes Wide Shut orgy that was happening. Goha takes the opportunity to draw dicks on everyone’s faces.
Bomo steals the pants and underwear off the guys and then takes Malphene’s entire outfit. Then she remembers that there might actually be more to steal than just clothes and the team looks for more loot. Goha goes for Malphene’s tacky jewelry while Cosgrove gets her potion of Cure Light Wounds and the 30 gp in her wallet. Bomo decides to just hide Malphene’s clothes inside a suit of armour but does grab Malphene’s masterwork longsword, which is clearly a family heirloom and which Bomo doesn’t know how to fight with, but she takes it anyway just to be a dick. She hides the sword between her butt cheeks like Wonder Woman at that one Nazi party. Our heroes leave one naked noblewoman and two pantsless yes-men unconscious in a waiting room with their faces covered in drawings of cocks.
Having ruined Dame Malphene Trant’s life, our intrepid band returns to the gala and pretend nothing untoward happened.
Bomo reconsiders further hijinks with Wyssilka the Juggalo and sets off to deliver her next letter to Lady Gloriana. However, the stairs really weren’t made for halflings and she falls down them yet again.
Peak decides to chat up Wyssilka and talk shop as a fellow performer. He asks Wyssilka about her acrobat training, but she brushes him off and curtly tells him that she’s trying to work here.
Goha is still disguised as Malphene Trant so she decides to further discredit Dame Malphene. She gets Malphene’s outfit and changes into it in the waiting room, after which she comes back to the gallery and shoves Wyssilka the Fantabulous while calling her a racial slur for halflings.
Countess Abrielle Pace is also in the gallery, but she pretends not to take heed of all this commotion. This is entirely understandable as she looks like she permanently has a stick up her ass.
This is good for Cosgrove as the Countess acts like she’s too engrossed in conversation with him to notice any crass buffoonery. Cosgrove tells her that all this low-class behaviour is entirely too much and rules need to be followed, which she agrees with.
Bomo again tries to deliver the letter but again slips and falls on her ass. She spots some red and realizes that the guy she hit with a rock has been bleeding all over the place, making the floor slippery as shit.
At this point Goha goes back into the waiting room and waits for her disguise spell to wear out before changing back into her regular clothes. She comes back loudly declaring that Malphene called her a racial slur for half-elves before kicking her out of the room, which further sets off the crowd.
Peak decides to chat up Martella and pass the time with her and Senator Dou. She ordered the senator a brandy to calm his nerves, and Peak strums some quiet tunes on his guitar to help out.
Cosgrove keeps working on Countess Pace and flubs his smooth talk, but she knows that Princess Eutropia wouldn’t have nodded at a complete buffoon and lets him explain himself. He makes clear that having Eutropia inherit the throne would make things clearer as far as how the succession works and prevent any unfortunate conflict. The countess avers that this might be so but she confesses that she’s still not entirely sure about the whole thing. Cosgrove realizes that Countess Pace is actually keeping her options open and will go for whoever she thinks is going to win. In his head he calls her a bitch, but out loud he makes the appropriate noises and takes his leave.
The crowd suddenly quiets and the servants unroll a red carpet from the entrance to the senate floor. Grand Prince Stavian III has arrived and trumpets blare his coming.
Stavian III and his bodyguards make their way to his offices in the senate and are quickly joined by High Strategos Maxillar Pythareus. Princess Eutropia doesn’t join her father but instead sequesters herself with Lady Gloriana to take private meetings in another part of the senate building.
Peak observes that Stavian III looks like a nutjob before returning to his mission of Fraud against Maxillar Pythareus. He uses his Message spell to plant whispers in the crowd’s ears – “Hey, that’s the guy who made Carrius break his neck!” – and makes it seem that everyone’s whispering about Maxillar killing the crown prince. His bluff works and unseemly rumours about Prince Carrius’ death spread throughout the area.
Bomo finally drags herself up and makes her way to Lady Gloriana. She knocks politely on the door and hands the lady the letter from Martella. Lady Gloriana thanks Bomo but says she’s rather busy making backroom political deals with Princess Eutropia. Bomo tells her she completely understands about “backroom” deals while implying several lewd things with her tone. Lady Gloriana acts as if she doesn’t understand as she bids Bomo good day.
Goha returns to chatting up Marquess Tanasha Starborne and complains about the dominance of the humans in Taldor. The marquess agrees and notes that she’s spent 20 years in the capital working to further gnomish interests in Taldor. Goha commiserates with her at such a thankless task and offers her a completely nonsexual shoulder rub.
Cosgrove tries to chat up one more person – Duke Leonard Centimus, the half-elf who ended up in a wheelchair because of a riding accident. He sounds out the duke about the senate not being compliant with accessibility guidelines, which the duke appreciates.
At this point a bell rings and servants announce that a light supper will soon be served. Finally, it’s been hours since this gala started!
Tune in next time to find out what hors d'oeuvres are going to be served. Will Bomo know which fork to use? Is this like an informal Chinese dinner where you’re supposed to belch to show appreciation for the food? What kind of wines are they going to serve? All these questions and more will be answered in session 4 of War for the Crown!
