Session 4: August 31, 2019
Players: Bomo Frugglemop (
Nudeviking ), Cosgrove Ashmore (
Baron von Costume ), Goha (
patbat ), Peak Dartbox (
Celebith ), Pessimo Historione (
ABz B👹anaz )
Location: Senate of Taldor
A bell rings out at the Senate of Taldor, announcing the same thing that the stewards do: supper will soon be served.
At the entrance to the Senate, a half-elf rogue is ushered inside by guard captain Kathann Zalar. He is led straight to Lady Martella Lotheed, who has been waiting for his arrival. She quickly summons her agents to a meeting upstairs in the gallery again.
“This is Pessimo Historione,” she tells the party. It seems that he was supposed to be part of the group from the beginning but couldn’t make it to the initial meet-up at the café. He was on his way to the gala to link up with Martella, but she heard that Aloysius got detained by the po-po, she sent him to bail him out. But in that case, why didn’t he bring Aloysius with him?
“Well,” says Pessimo, “Aloysius has been arrested on charges of being a serial killer.” It seems that the guards have finally caught the notorious murderer dubbed The Child Blade for the small dagger wounds inflicted on the victims. Pessimo concludes that the charges are obviously BS and the cops just wanted to arrest Aloysius for something.
“No duh,” is how Martella answers. Clearly the city guards only stuck with the serial killer angle because they couldn’t find a way to frame Aloysius for the Kennedy assassination. Martella assures the party that Aloysius is rich and his wealthy dad will get the charges dropped. However, he has lost all value as an intelligence asset since he is currently guest starring in an episode of Law & Order: Pathfinder Edition.
This is all terribly regrettable, but what can be done? At least Pessimo is finally here. Martella bids him to join the party in their gala missions for the rest of the night.
“But wait,” asks Bomo, “What happened to the little weirdo who kept drawing Jesus fish everywhere?” Martella replies that she was about to ask them that question. Has anyone seen Sterrance Mips? She’s getting a tad put out since he hasn’t been answering her messages. She reminds everyone that she’s not paying them to fuck off and smoke weed on the clock and to tell Sterrance as much when they see him next.
Before they adjourn the meeting, Martella gives Bomo a “borrowed” file folder to sneak back into the Senate archives. She also tells Cosgrove she likes his initiative in taking over Aloysius’ mission of swaying some senators’ votes and asks him to keep up the hard sell with Duke Leonard Centimus. She also lets the party know that she’ll double everyone’s pay if they finish all of their missions, while reminding them that they’re also supposed to be making names for themselves in upper society and so should continue wowing the elite of Taldor.
Finally, Martella adds that Senator Amadorian Dou, who the party rescued from some strong-arming, has calmed down a bit and asked her to forward his thanks. He also asks that the party visit his office the next morning so that he can express his thanks in a more concrete fashion. Bomo asks if Senator Dou’s thanks will take the form of hard currency, but Martella answers that they’ll have to find out the next morning. Goha and Bomo agree that the Senator is a digusting weeb and he’ll probably reward them with his favourite anime body pillow.
Martella doesn’t really care if the party gets a used sex toy. Having said her piece, she bids them all good luck.
While the party was having their powwow, the servants brought out some tables and laid out some cheeses, fruits, pastries, and other finger foods and also various wines. Servers walk to and fro with platters full of the various foodstuffs, but being crass and lowbrow, the party focuses on the Popeye’s sandwiches and chicken nuggets being served. Thanks to the food, socializing will be easier for this part of the night and the party will be able to impress the Richie riches more easily.
At this point a servant hands a note to Goha. It’s from Marquess Tanasha Starborne, who gently chides her in writing for running off so suddenly. However, the Marquess finds Goha to be an interesting young woman (perhaps she enjoyed the backrub she got the last time?) and tells Goha that should she ever be in the Verduran forest, she can count on the fey to facilitate her travel as well as perhaps provide a more substantial boon.
Meanwhile, Bartleby Lotheed’s 100-year old bottle of wine is brought forth from the cellar. The guests clap as they watch the wine make its way to him. The sommelier slowly uncorks the bottle but discovers that there’s nothing inside. At first the other guests think Bartleby is playing a mildly amusing joke, but after seeing Bartleby turn red in embarrassment and excuse himself from their company, they realize he was swindled into buying an empty wine bottle and titter behind their hands. Another success for the party!
Having enjoyed some delicious schadenfreude at Bartleby Lotheed’s expense, Bomo decides to get her messenger duties out of the way. She cautiously approaches the stairway that’s tried to kill her three times now and successfully manages to descend to the ground floor without slipping and falling on her ass. Elated, she rushes off to the library and sneaks the contraband back into its regular place on the shelves.
As for Pessimo, he mentions to the party that one of his relatives is at the gala – his half-brother, Count Orlundo Zespire.
Pessimo decides that he might as well use his connections for something. He approaches Count Zespire, who’s rather surprised that his irresponsible actor brother is at a political event. Didn’t he say that politics is for jerks and losers and that art is the greatest thing a person can devote their life to? Pessimo replies that things have changed and that it’s obvious to him that the country needs a new direction.
While this was happening, Goha got the bright idea of spying on Grand Prince Stavian III’s meeting with High Strategos Maxillar Pythareus. However, the meeting is behind closed doors, and those doors are behind several large men armed with axes, so she changes her mind and decides to chat up Bomo’s crush, the halfling Juggalo and children’s entertainer named Wyssilka the Fantabulous. Goha appoints herself Bomo’s wingman for the night and uses her Enchanting Smile ability while chatting up Wyssilka.
Goha approaches Wyssilka and tells her she’s got a friend who likes what she sees, nudge nudge wink wink. Wyssilka replies that she’s working and that anything that Goha’s friend is picking up isn’t anything that she’s putting down. However, Goha talks up Bomo’s pit fighting victory over Hulg Hokan and adds that there’s an order of gravy fries and ale waiting for Wyssilka at a certain inn with a certain halfling, then winks really badly again. Wyssilka doesn’t say no but she doesn’t say yes either.
Elsewhere in the Senate, Peak Dartbox approaches Kalbio of Breezy Creek, the tapestry weaver being raised tonight into the ranks of the nobility. Peak congratulates Kalbio and asks him about weaving tapestries and what he thinks of the big city. Kalbio is clearly a yokel uncomfortable with being at a fancy-dress party and he goes on about how long it takes to weave a tapestry and how much nicer everyone in the city smells than in Breezy Creek, especially Peak.
As this is going on, Cosgrove has returned to chatting up Duke Leonard Centimus. He apologizes for being called away on some urgent business but returns to the matter of the vote. He pushes hard on the idea that Princess Eutropia’s eventual accession to the throne could not be anything but good for Taldor. Duke Centimus agrees with Cosgrove’s words and they mark their accord by raising their spring rolls and chicken nuggets in celebration.
Her messenger duties finally taken care of, Bomo grabs a bottle of wine, 2 glasses, and some shrimp cocktails from the nearest waiter and cockily jaunts over to Wyssilka. “You look parched,” she says as she smoothly maneuvers into Wyssilka’s field of view. Goha withdraws while attempting to high-five Bomo, but the whole thing fails and Bomo instead accidentally punches Goha in the crotch. Goha staggers away but gives Bomo a thumbs up.
Wyssilka appreciates the snacks but asks an important question – are Bomo and Goha trying to get her into a threesome? (Incidentally, according to the math a threesome with 2 halflings and a half-elf equals to 1.5 humans). Bomo categorically denies any ulterior kinkiness and proudly proclaims herself to be a very vanilla lesbian. She explains at length about her family history with Goha, who is actually just feeling guilty about having let down the daughter of her old friends, so now Goha is trying to make it up by helping Bomo get into Wyssilka’s pants. It’s all a perfectly innocent and nonsexual motivation and Bomo smoothly steers the conversation onto the topic of makeup – does Wyssilka do her own? Can she paint Bomo up to look like Ultimate Warrior? Wyssilka says fine, she’ll help Bomo look like a roid freak from the 80s, and is open to not having a threeway with her as well. Bomo celebrates by doing a cartwheel down the stairs and succeeds in not breaking her neck.
In the courtyard, Pessimo continues to work on his brother. He tells Count Zespire that it’s clearly time for a change from what’s been done before. The count agrees that it’s shameful that it’s now 2019 and the country still hasn’t had a female president – err, emperor (PS the year in Golarion is actually 4719 AR). Count Zespire tells Pessimo that he had thought his brother was a frivolous sort, but he’s impressed that Pessimo is now participating in politics. The count offers Pessimo and his friends access to his trade contacts throughout the nation’s waterways and even beyond.
Meanwhile, Goha walks off Bomo’s shot to her vag and heads to the museum to use her brain full of arcane facts to impress the crowd. At first she makes herself look like an ignorant wanker as the artifact she was blabbering about was actually a cheap knockoff, but she manages to talk her way out of it and actually sound like she knows what she’s talking about (she actually didn’t, the crowd pretended not to notice her metaphorically falling on her face since they knew Princess Eutropia likes her and her friends). Goha’s nerdiness impresses the curator of antiquities, Copernia Vau, who is pleased that someone is so interested in the history of Taldor. She takes Goha on a brief tour of the museum, pointing out various historical artifacts and doodads. At the end of the tour she offers Goha a bottle of universal solvent and an unguent of timelessness, to help Goha preserve any artifacts she herself comes across. Goha gladly accepts the items and tells the curator she’ll give the museum 5 stars on Yelp.
While Goha is getting a personal tour, Peak continues working on Kalbio. He tells Kalbio that he’s envious of artists who produce physical works and offers to write a song for Kalbio’s parents, who were unable to attend his exaltation. Kalbio is unused to having such an urbane sophisticate talking to him in such a comradely manner and he follows Peak around for the rest of the night. This would normally be bad since having an inbred hillbilly following you around at a black-tie gala would not be great for mingling with the other latte-sipping elites, but fortunately the night is almost over.
Cosgrove has completed his mission with Duke Centimus, so he excuses himself to mingle with the crowd in the courtyard. He spies the animals in the menagerie and holds forth on their biology and lifecycle. Despite the fact that he majored in philosophy, Cosgrove is not useless since he also majored in alchemy at the University of Lepistadt. He knows a bit about the animals and the crowd is entertained by trivia about elephants and anteaters. Tongues are loosened and gossip is shared about any eminent figure Cosgrove cares to ask about (though it’s kind of useless since the night is drawing to a close).
And with that, the Senate of Taldor convenes to vote on various issues while the party watches from way in the back of the room. The vast hall is full of hundreds of senators and they spend half an hour voting on crap no one in the party cares about before getting to the good stuff – the vote to abolish the current law of male primogeniture. The Senate speaker calls on each senator to vote yea or nay, and early on the vote looks evenly split with many abstentions. However, about halfway through it becomes clear that Princess Eutropia’s faction has the weight of numbers and by the end the repeal passes at 60 percent of the votes.
Yeah, this never happened but this is the illustration that came with this scene in the module.
Applause and shouts of condemnation burst forth in the Senate building. The speaker declares that a closed recount will take place and everyone not a senator or royalty is kicked out of the room.
Martella meets with the party and congratulates them on completing all their missions and getting their names and faces out there in high society. She tells them that she’ll double their pay to whatever 300 gp multiplied by 5 is. Peak replies that it’s 1500 gp in total, but she brushes the exact number aside and says it’s not really a lot anyway. Bomo grumbles at how Martella probably doesn’t know how much a loaf of bread costs or what a copper piece looks like and tells her to come visit the Narrows (a.k.a. the projects) sometime. Before Martella might accept the invitation, Goha reminds Bomo that they can’t collect their 300 gp if Martella is robbed and left for dead in a Narrows alleyway, so Bomo declares that should Martella visit the Narrows, she should of course hire a trustworthy guide like Bomo to show her around.
Martella also hands a letter to Peak to give to Kalbio from his parents on the occasion of his ascent into the nobility. As it is a sealed personal missive, Peak declines to read it for himself and get some juicy gossip on the doings of country yokels.
There a bit of time to kill while the recount takes place and no 1-percenters to impress since they’re all in the closed meeting, so the party decides to some more hobnobbing with the 99 percent (though with this crowd it’s really more like the 2-10 percent). They decide to check out the Senate library to see if there’s anything worth stealing.
Peak performs a song of distraction but is kind of starting to run down and only manages to give a mediocre performance. Goha tries to use her arcane knowledge to identify any treasures in the library but comes up empty, possibly because she didn’t go to Harvard and doesn’t know how a fancy library is run. However, Bomo uses the low cunning common to halflings to spy on the librarian Pabrus Telecoum. She notices that he seems rather protective of a certain book in the stacks. Bomo also notes that he looks like a giant hipster and appears to be wearing a bicycle helmet indoors.
Cosgrove distracts the librarian by asking if he can recommend any good books about beards, to which he replies no, there are no good books about beards. While this beard talk is taking place, Pessimo slips into the stacks and sneaks out the book. It’s a mawkish tale of a young wizard’s growth to womanhood and inheriting her family’s business in Cassomir, but in the back of the book is a scroll containing the spells animate rope, flaming sphere, hypnotism, mount, and web. Score! High fives are shared and celebratory breakdancing is hopelessly failed at.
Thus ends the short recess for the recount. The doors open and all are welcomed into the senate chambers to hear a speech from the Grand Prince. On the stage at the centre of the floor stand Stavian III and Kalbio of Breezy Creek. The chamber is packed with hundreds of people stuffed into the room. The placement of the crowd is decided by rank, with the high nobles at the centre and our party assigned to be wallflowers. Martella sits closer to the front but still some distance from the stage and the podium in the centre.
Grand Prince Stavian III starts off by introducing Kalbio, who is the person being exalted in the Exaltation Gala. The crowd cheers while the party shit-talks Kalbio’s teeth, parentage, fashion sense, freckles, and popped collar. Bomo openly fantasizes about lesbian halfling sex with Wyssilka while Goha muses about which restaurant they’ll all go to after. Unlike everyone else, Peak doesn’t piss on Kalbio’s name and appearance and instead uses his Message ability to congratulate Kalbio and tell him he’s got a letter from his parents.
The party is too busy shitting on Kalbio to notice a group of armed men dressed in black moving to block the exits. All except for Peak, who tries the warn the others around him, but Stavian III is still giving his speech and has a magic megaphone spell drowning out everything. Even the ones who do hear Peak’s warning are too confused and disbelieving to do anything.
Peak’s party members of course believe him, but their thoughts run mostly along the lines of “aww fuck, we’re at ground zero of a coup d’état”, except for Bomo, who’s mostly regretting not having had a chance for lesbian sex with a halfling clown.
Grand Prince Stavian III continues his speech and segues to the topic of filial piety and the inherent treachery of the female sex. He concludes by announcing that all of Taldor’s elite has betrayed him and that therefore he’s having them all killed, starting with Kalbio himself. As he says so, Stavian III pulls out a jeweled dagger and stabs Kalbio in the ribs.
The crowd is too stunned to do anything. The men in black throw aside their cloaks and draw their swords as they start cutting down everyone in the crowd. A total of 50 armed soldiers surround the room.
The emperor’s bodyguards are confused but they quickly surround him and cut down anyone who approaches, senator and masked swordsmen alike. Screams echo as people are butchered everywhere as Stavian III watches everything with malicious glee. The senate chamber is full of panicky people pushing to and fro and it’s nothing but a sea of asses and elbows jostling back and forth.
The party mostly aren’t sure yet of what they want to do except for Bomo, who’s decided that trying to improve her lot in life was a bad idea and she should have stayed in the pit fighting arena having her INT lowered by repeated concussions. Bomo quickly scans back and forth for an escape route but the scary ninja guys have effectively blocked off every possible exit.
But not all of the crowd is helpless – some of them pull out their own weapons and fight back. They are led by Kathann Zalar, the guard officer who helped the party before, who charges into the fray shouting about defending the empire. Heartened by the bravery on display, Bomo guiltily changes her mind about abandoning ship and decides to stay and fight as well.
The closest of the masked men cuts a swath to the party but stops to cut a servant in half. The party thank their lucky stars that the servant was there to get butchered instead of one of them. RIP nameless servant girl. This was what she looked like, by the way:
Cosgrove finally relieves his grenade blue balls by throwing a bomb at one of the masked attackers for a 6 hit point attack. Hooray! Except the guy has 74 HP left and was barely bothered by having a bomb explode right in front of his face.
Pessimo tries to fight his way to his half-brother’s side. However, the crowd is too thick and too panicked and he barely makes any progress. Similarly, Goha tries to get to Martella and is a little bit more successful but can only get halfway to his goal.
However, Peak Dartbox does better on his attempt. At first he thinks about threatening everyone to get out of his way, but there’s no intimidating a crowd that has descended into animalistic fear. He tries to bob and weave through the crowd, and it seems that Aasimar bards are bendier and more acrobatic than half-elves as he successfully runs to stand beside Martella. However, he’s winded himself with this bout of acrobatic derring-do and he has to pause to catch his breath.
Now it’s Bomo’s turn, and he runs forward to give the masked swordsman who killed the servant his reliable old one-two. However, Bomo’s not fighting a pickpocket or an unarmed bootlicker but a man who’s probably killed more people than Bomo’s had hot dinners. The masked man handily avoids Bomo’s little halfling fists, leaving Bomo open to a counterattack. Time slows down for Bomo and she realizes she’s probably going to get chopped in half with her life blood spraying to the ceiling like in that fight scene from Kill Bill.
The man in black takes his bastard sword and retaliates with a one-two of his own. Bomo dodges the first swing but is left exposed for a massive crossbody cut which will definitely leave her in two pieces on the ground. As the sword approaches to take Bomo’s life, she thinks back on her regrets in life, which is almost entirely about all the lesbian sex she’ll be missing out on.
However, the moment the bastard sword makes the barest contact with Bomo, her senate aide badge flashes blindingly with magical energy. Indeed, everyone’s badges also shine brightly and when the light fades, the party finds that the senate chambers have been replaced by blackness and the smell of cold earth. A deus ex machina has saved our heroes!
The party finds themselves transported somewhere pitch black. After first theorizing that they’re in purgatory, the party decides that that’s a dumb idea and they’re probably still alive. As an Aasimar, Peak is able to generate a halo of light from his head, which he thus activates.
Our heroes find themselves in a small windowless room with six beds covered in a thick layer of dust as well as some wooden lockers in a corner. They also find in a corner Sterrance Mips’ dead body with the note “DEATH TO SPIES” pinned to its chest. In another corner they find a locked wooden box labelled “#205 EVIDENCE”.
Cosgrove realizes that Sterrance and Aloysius’ badges also teleported their wearers to the room, or at least teleported whatever was in immediate contact with the badge. As Aloysius was arrested for being a serial killer, then clearly his badge was stored away in an evidence locker.
Peak immediately suggests looting Sterrance’s body. However, the rest of the party decide that the mystery box is more interesting. First Pessimo, then Cosgrove, then Goha take turns at failing to pick a cheap dollar store lock. Finally Bomo just punches a hole in the box. They find inside a senate aide badge, 3 gold pieces, an Elixir of Truth, and a set of house keys. (PS Aloysius actually had 75 gp in his wallet).
Finally they turn to Sterrance Mips. It’s clear that he was stabbed to death and he’s clutching something tightly in his right hand. Cosgrove examines and sniffs at the hand before declaring that it doesn’t seem to be anything explosive. Pessimo carefully slides out whatever it is and finds that Sterrance is clutching a coin. At this point Cosgrove remembers that Sterrance bought a concealment coin at the tailors’ spy shop and that it can be used to hide short messages inside. He knows the trick of opening the coin and cracks it wide, revealing a piece of paper with a message shakily written in blood: “M+V KILL CDAD”.
The party then take turns divvying up the rest of Sterrance’s things. Only Bomo can fit into the tear-away scholar and peasant outfits but Goha takes the disguise kit, while the various small items remain to be portioned out.
It is here that we must pause to consider the ramifications of this night’s events. Our heroes, by the unknowable hand of fate, bore witness to a critical moment in Taldor’s history. Like the St. Crispin’s Day speech said, those who lived through this time will forever be remembered. As such, the party gains enough XP to reach level 2. Hurrah!
Emphasis on the vile part. Really hoping history whitewashes your misdeeds, guys, otherwise the textbooks will be nothing but wall to wall lesbians and thieves and masked gangbangs.
Anyway, thus ends the tale of this brave band during the Grand Day of Exaltation. But how did they escape this small room they found themselves in? I’m afraid that is a story for another day.
