Star Trek: The Next Generation - S01E19 - Coming of Age
Welcome back to the Star Trek Fuck Report, the internet's foremost exploration into the fuck-habits of the denizens of the Star Trek universe. Today we're checking back in with the crew of the Enterprise in the Next Generation (whenever that is) to see what they were getting up to in the nineteenth episode of the wildly uneven first season. Titled, "Coming of Age," this episode first aired on March 14, 1988 and is apparently about Wesley Crusher taking an exam. Fuck...
Preexisting PrejudicesOnce again this is another first season episode that I have little memory of. I don't have high hopes for it though on account of it being (based on the plot synopsis I read) a Wesley Crusher-centric episode. Better to get it over with.
Plot SynopsisThe show begins with Wesley Crusher chasing his buddy, some fuck named Jake, down the hall of the Enterprise. Wesley apologizes to him for something. I am confused as shit what is going on. I guess Wesley gets a chance to take an entrance exam for Starfleet Academy. Jake tells Wesley Crusher not to sweat it since he was only 32 points short...which doesn't seem like a number deficiency you'd use, "only" in conjunction in. He wishes Wesley Crusher the best but seems like his shitty test results are weighing heavily on him as Wesley get summoned to the teleportation rule.
Wesley gets beamed down to some planet to take his test. Immediately afterward, Captain Picard's old buddy, Admiral Quinn, was chilling on whatever that planet is called. He beams aboard the Enterprise accompanied by his assistant, Lieutenant Commander Remmick. Picard introduces some of his crew and Quinn then tells Picard that he wants to talk with him. Picard asks if it's business or personal. Quinn tells him it's business, so Picard says he can talk to him and Riker but Quinn is insistent that he speaks with Picard alone. Picard and Riker are poleaxed by this but Picard agrees and heads to his office with Quinn and Remmick. TALK ABOUT A COLD OPEN!
After that good, good theme song, we check back in in Picard's office. Quinn informs Picard that Remmick is part of the Inspector General's office to investigate a serious problem aboard the Enterprise. Picard asks Quinn if he can tell him what this is about but Quinn is like, "No way buddy, but I expect your complete cooperation."
Down on the Exam: The Planet, Wesley Crusher is fucking around with some machine when a Space 1980s Valley Girl comes in and asks Wesley what he's doing. He tells her that it's some kind of sensor. She introduces herself and Wesley does the same. She has heard all about Wesley Crusher of the Enterprise, because of course she has. She will also be taking the exam.
Some Vulcan girl then shows up for the exam. She busts Wesley Crusher's balls for being a literal child. But like all literally children he's like, "Hey! I'll be 16 in a month or something." There's also a weird alien dude with some kind of smoke machine beneath his mouth and/or noseholes. I bet he's getting high as fuck off whatever that smoke is. Anyway, Wesley Crusher knows all about this dude. His name is Mordock and he invented the Mordock Strategy or something. Wesley can't believe that he's not already in the Academy, but he's not.
The proctor of the exam, Lieutenant Chang, then shows up and tells them that they're all qualified to go to the academy but only one of them will be able to pass the final exam and go on to the Academy this year. He tells them that the exam will be hard as fuck and will test them physically and mental and then wishes them good luck.
Back on the Enterprise, Remmick is watching the crew doing their jobs. They are clearly annoyed by this like every employee is when someone from corporate comes to observe them. Geordi tells Riker that, "Just having that guy (Remmick) around makes me feel guilty."
Riker has had enough of Remmick's shit and goes to Picard's office to figure out what the fuck is going on. Picard tells him that he doesn't know either, but then pisses off Riker even more when he confesses that even if he did he wouldn't be able to tell him.
Riker is in a mood as he goes back out onto the bridge. Remmick asks to speak to Riker now, but Riker's like, "Fuck off I've got work to do!" and gets into the TURBOLIFT ELEVATOR and leaves as we head to commercials.
Back down on Exam: The Planet, the test-takers are taking a test in hyperspace physics or some shit. The time expires and the Space 1980s Valley Girl tells Wesley Crusher and Mordock that they're lucky that all this shit comes so easily to them. She has to work real hard for all her accomplishments.
Wesley tells her that that isn't true. He has to study all the time too. The Space 1980s Valley Girl tells him that he's lucky he's so cute because if he wasn't what he just said could be taken as very obnoxious. She then leaves and Wesley Crusher absolutely loses his shit, "Did you hear what she said, Mordock? She said I was cute."
The high as fuck, Mordock, asks him if this is a good thing or not and Wesley Crusher tells him that it might be, but he doesn't know because he's dumb about girls.
Back on the Enterprise, Riker apologizes to Picard for being a dick earlier and agrees to go and speak with Remmick in Picard's office. Remmick tells Riker that by standing the process isn't going to go any faster and so RIKER DOMINATES A GODDAMN CHAIR FOR THE FIRST TIME!
Remmick asks Riker about some discrepancies in the Captain's Log but Riker's like, "If you got questions about stuff Picard wrote, he should ask the Captain." Remmick tells Riker that he needs to answer the questions unless he's trying to cover up for something. Riker finally agrees to answer whatever Remmick wants to know.
At a different time, Remmick walks and talks with Geordi in engineering. He asks Geordi about the voyage to the edge of the universe with Kosinski and that creepy fuck, The Traveler. Geordi explains that Starfleet forced them to take Kosinski onto the Enterprise but Remmick is like, "Still didn't Picard ultimately lose control of the ship?" Geordi's like, "I guess so guy..."
We then see Remmick interviewing Troi about Picard's mental state. He asks if Picard ever had any mental lapses. Troi says that he has not and Remmick asks her "What about that episode where the Ferengi gave Picard the Stargazer back and Picard went buck wild? Wouldn't you consider that a mental lapse?"
"Umm...he was getting mind controlled by a machine without his consent," replies Troi.
"TOTAL MENTAL LAPSE!" replies Remmick.
Later, Wesley is chilling out alone on an empty holodeck when Worf enters. Worf seems surprised to see him there since he supposed to be taking a test. Wesley explains that they had a break before the next part of the test. Worf asks him how the test has been going and Wesley says that so far it's been okay, but he's worried about the psych test since he will have to face his greatest fear.
Wesley then explains that that's why he's on the holodeck: to try to scare himself in order to prepare for the test. Worf tells Wesley that there's no point worry about things you can't change, "Thinking about what you can't control only wastes energy, and creates its own enemy."
Wesley wonders if Worf is scared of anything and Worf tells him that, "Only fools have no fear." He then explains that his greatest fear is having to depend on someone else for his life. Wesley realizes that Worf will have to deal with that as a crew member on a daily basis and asks if Worf has overcome it. It is still Worf's enemy by his own accord.
Meanwhile on the bridge, Yar announces that there's been an unauthorized entry into the shuttlebay. Remmick gives Picard some shit about this as they determine what's going on. Turns out it's Wesley's dumbass friend, Jake. He steals a shuttle (garnishing more shit from Remmick) and hauls ass, informing Picard that he's going to go be a freighter because he can't deal with his dad since he flunked out of Starfleet Academy.
Picard tells him to return with the shuttle but Jake is like, "No can do buddy! My dad's going to blow his top if I tell him I failed."
Unfortunately the shuttle suddenly gets fucked up and the engines stall. Jake's stolen shuttle hurtles towards Exam: The Planet where it will burn up in the atmosphere. The crew on the bridge brainstorm some ideas. Unfortunately a tractor beam won't work because the shuttle was out of range, which seems like a plot contrivance more than anything else. Jake needs the engines to cool down before it can be restarted and as we head to commercial break Jake begins to panic.
After hearing about some of the fine products and/or services available in 1988 we return to find Picard attempting to save Jake's life. He calmly tells Jake to aim the nose of the shuttle at Exam: The Planet. Jake doesn't want to initially but Picard convinces him to do it. He then tells Jake that he needs to restart the engines and pull the shuttle up hard once it reaches a certain speed.
Jake brings the ship up to speed and then pulls up, avoiding a crash landing on the planet below. Everyone on the bridge cheers and Geordi explains to Remmick and the viewers that by speeding up Jake was able to bounce off the atmosphere. Remmick then goes off on Picard about Jake's shitty behavior and how that is entirely Picard's fault.
Picard tells him that, "Young men sometimes make rash choices," and assures Remmick that Jake will get a refresher course in discipline.
Elsewhere, Wesley and Mordock are stopped in the halls of Space High School by some tall fuck in a Starfleet uniform. He introduces himself as Rondon and tells them he has a package to deliver to the operations department and ask them if they know where it is.
Wesley points out the operations department and Rondon heads off, but as he leaves, he bumps in Wesley's shoulder and starts screaming at him. Wesley starts to apologize but Rondon isn't having it and keeps cussing Wesley Crusher out. Rondon is instantaneously a top five Star Trek: The Next Generation character for the tongue lashing he gives Wesley.
Proctor Chang shows up and wants to know what the shit is going on. Wesley tries to explain but is interrupted by more yelling from Rondon. Wesley gets pushed to the brink and suddenly explodes, screaming, "Who do you think you're bullying?! You bumped into me! It was your mistake! You were at fault! Do you want this to become violent?"
Oh how I laughed and laughed at the absurd notion of Wesley Crusher getting violent with some hulking dude with webbed hands. Rondon also thinks this is hilarious and laughs and then heads off with his package.
As Rondon wanders off, Mordock's like, "Yo mang that was weird as fuck!"
Wesley tells him that it really wasn't because after Rodon raised his hand he saw that it was webbed which meant he was a Zaldan. Chang is then like, "But you totally lost your shit with him my dude!" Wesley explains that "Zaldans are infuriated by courtesy," which they apparently view as an insincere form of social interaction designed to conceal one's true emotions.
Chang congratulates Wesley and then explains to the two test takers that it is important that candidates know how to "deal with other cultures, other species," and then after they are like, "Oh so it was a test," explains that "not all tests are announced or what they appear to be."
As Chang departs, Mordock forlornly confesses that he didn't know that Zaldans have webbed hands and wouldn't have passed if that had been his test.
We then return to the Enterprise where we get a series of Remmick interviewing various crew members about Picard scenes. He talks to Data about errors in Picard's records but Data is insistent that they are all accurate and that if the files are accurate then perhaps it is Remmick's line of questioning that is defective.
Worf is then interviewed by one of the myriad plagues that infected the Enterprise. I assume it was the fuck plague since they talk about how it was brought onto the ship while the other plagues seemed to arise naturally aboard the ship.
Worf tells him that it was an accident and Remmick goes off on him, "Meaning that Captain Picard has no standing procedure for this type of situation?" Worf reiterates that when he said "by accident" he meant "by accident."
Remmick then asks Worf, "You don't like me very much, do you?"
Worf replies, "Is it required, sir?"
We then check in with Dr. Beverly Crusher. Remmick is a complete dick to her, asking her how it feels to serve under the man responsible for her husband's death. She fires back at Remmick, saying, "My personal feelings about Captain Picard are irrelevant to this investigation… and none of your business."
Eventually, Remmick gets around to interviewing Picard, asking him about that time he violated the Prime Directive on Fuck Planet VII and helped Wesley Crusher escape justice. Picard fucking loses his shit and shouts, "Mister Remmick, you have talked to every member of this ship! I think you've had enough time to find out whatever it is you're looking for!"
Remmick asks Picard, "Are you afraid if I keep looking that I'll find you're guilty?"
But Picard is still fucking fuming and shouts back, "The only thing I'm guilty of is allowing this charade to go on so long! As we head to commercials, Picard storms off, undoubtedly to go yell some shit at Admiral Quinn.
We return from commercial break to find a furious Picard demanding Admiral Quinn tell him what the fuck is going on. Quinn tells him that Remmick's report is nearly complete and summons the dude from the Inspector General's office. While they wait for Remmick to arrive, Picard tells Quinn that this entire situation has but a strain on their friendship. Quinn says that he knows and is dreadfully sorry for it.
Back on Exam: The Planet, the kids are taking another test. Unlike every other test I've ever taken in my life they are allowed to talk to each other during the test, because when Mordock has trouble doing whatever it is that he's supposed to be doing and becomes frustrated, Wesley tells him that he's nearly got it and offer a suggestion as to how to complete the test. Mordock follows Wesley's advice and ends up finishing first.
Proctor Chang comes in when the time has run out and congratulates Mordock for having the fastest time of all the times ever in the history of time, but Mordock is humble as fuck. He tells Chang that he shouldn't get any credit because Wesley helped him. Chang tells Mordock that he knows but it still counts. In what is kind of a dick move, Chang then tells Wesley that helping Mordock might not have been all that smart since he and Mordock are nearly even on points. Chang then tells the kids that there is one more test left.
"The psych test?!" shouts Wesley Crusher.
"We prefer to call it a psychological analysis," responds Chang apparently oblivious to the fact that "psych" is short for psychology and also the fact that he himself referred to it as a test a minute earlier.
Back on the Enterprise, Remmick shows up to make his report to Admiral Quinn. He tells Quinn that despite his best efforts he could find no serious problems on the Enterprise. He says that there's a level of casual familiarity among the bridge crew but chalks it up to teamwork and a sense of family that those crew members share. Quinn is satisfied with this and sends Remmick away, but before he leaves Remmick tells Picard that his stint with the Inspector General is up in six months and afterwards he'd like to be transferred to the Enterprise. Picard cringes at this but says nothing.
After Remmick leaves Quinn tells Picard not to judge him too harshly. He then tells Picard that the reason he conducted this investigation was so that he could be sure that Picard could be trusted. Quinn tells Picard that there are an ever increasing number of reports of problems and strange behavior from the head honchos at Starfleet. Quinn believes that someone or something is trying to destroy Starfleet but doesn't know if the threat is an internal one or from the outside. He continues by saying that he needs people he knows he can trust and thus offers to promote Picard to Admiral and give him command of Starfleet Academy. Picard tells him he needs to think about it before he gives Quinn his answer.
Back on Exam: The Planet, Proctor Chang brings Wesley to a room so he can take his psychological exam. He tells Wesley that Mordock will be finished with his test shortly. A moment later, Mordock comes out of the room visibly shaken. Wesley asks him if he's okay and Mordock tells him that he will be...in time. Wesley is nervous as fuck as Mordock wanders off and Chang tells him that it's his turn and wishes him luck.
Wesley goes into the room and finds it to be completely empty save for a chair. Wesley walks around for a bit and nothing happens. He wonders if the proctors forgot about him. Suddenly there's a loud bang outside. Wesley goes out into the hall to check what the fuck is going on and finds the hallway completely deserted. There are klaxons blaring and the sounds of explosions. Wesley hears cries for help and runs to a laboratory that seems to be the source of the explosions and the cries for help. A computer voice announces that the lab will be sealed off in sixty-five seconds to prevent catastrophe.
Wesley yells for help, but there's no one there so he opens the lab door and finds the laboratory completely destroyed. There are steam pipes and wires all over the goddamn place spewing steam and electricity all over the place. Wesley sees a couple of men of science screaming for help. One guy is trapped under a steam pipe while the other guy is huddled in a corner.
The liquid hydrogen in the lab is going to explode soon, so Wesley tells the scared man of science to come help him get the pipe off the other dude, but the guy is too scared to move so Wesley muscles the pipe off the other dude and drags him out to the door. He implores the other guy to get up and get out of the lab because he's not able to carry both men and doesn't have enough time to save them both, but the other dude doesn't do shit.
Wesley escapes with the pipe scientist just as the lab doors close sealing the scared lab tech inside. As Wesley gets up he finds Proctor Chang standing above him. Wesley tries to tell him what's happened, but Chang tells him that everything is okay. The pipe scientist then stands up and thanks Wesley. The lab doors then open and the scared lab tech walks out, totally not dead.
Wesley then realizes that all this was psychological exam and he had to confront his fear of choosing who lives and who dies in a life or death situation since a similar disaster is what lead to his own father dying. Chang tells him that who chose to save mattered less than not giving into fear and becoming paralyzed by it, thus passing the test.
Later, Lt. Chang, tells the quartet of test-takers that he's proud of them and hopes the three who don't get the nod will return the following year and try again. He then tells them that Mordock is going to the Academy. Mordock protests and says that the only reason he passed that one test was because Wesley Crusher helped him, but Chang tells Mordock that that wasn't the only thing Mordock did better than Wesley about. Chang then says that Mordock is the first of his species to enter the Academy which makes it seem like they just wanted to do affirmative action or something. The other test-takers congratulate Mordock and then the Space 1980s Valley Girl tells Wesley that the next year she's not going to be so easy to beat.
On the Enterprise, Picard is walking down the hall in his fancy dress for some reason. He encounters Wesley's dumbass friend, Jake, who apologizes for stealing the shuttle and breaking it. He says that Riker's ordered him to repair the shuttle as part of his instructions on discipline. Picard tells him that that's good and that running away from ones problems solves nothing. He then compliments Jake for not panicking when he got into that sticky situation with the fucked over shuttle earlier in the episode before continuing on his stroll down the hall in his dress.
Picard goes next to the conference room and find Wesley Crusher lurking there like a dope. Picard asks him why he's not wearing his fancy dress for Admiral Quinn's farewell dinner. Utter Failure Wesley Crusher tells Picard that he doesn't deserve to wear a fancy dress on account of totally failing his Starfleet Academy entrance exam. "I FAILED YOU AND I FAILED THE ENTERPRISE!" bemoans Emo As Fuck Wesley Crusher.
Picard tells Wesley Crusher that he's bring ridiculous before asking him if he did his best. Wesley tells him that he did so Picard tells him that he'll do better next year and not to worry about it since the only person he's competing against is himself. He then tells Wesley, "I failed the first time, too...AND YOU MAY NOT TELL ANYONE!" Wesley is dumbstruck by this fact and Picard reiterates that he passed the second time he took the exam.
Later (maybe), Admiral Quinn is leaving. He tells Picard that he's sorry he turned down the promotion but understands that he needs to be on the Enterprise. Picard tells Quinn that if shit starts poppin' off he'll be ready to help him. Quinn thanks him and then teleports away.
Back on the bridge, Picard orders Wesley Crusher to set a course to adventure and the ship blasts off to conclude yet another chaste-ass episode.
How Rikered Was Riker?It finally happened! Nineteen (or eighteen depending on how you want to count Encounter at Far Point) we finally get our first instance of Riker dominating a chair. While later on it became a thing done for laughs in this initial instance it is very clearly an act of dick waving at that douchelord investigator dude. Clearly this was not the act of a sober man.
Final ThoughtsThe stuff with Wesley was cliched as shit and completely disconnected from the A-Plot which was good, though it kind of felt like the first half of a two part episode that we didn't get. That being said there were a couple of decent things that this episode had going for it. First and foremost was the aforementioned Riker Chair Dominance which I've been waiting for since I began this rewatch. The second thing was the foreshadowing for one of the best (level of awesomeness subject to change upon rewatching) episodes season one had to offer, Conspiracy.
Oh wait, these are thoughts that a normal reviewer might have had after watching this episode, and this is without a doubt not a normal review of Star Trek: The Next Generation. This is the Star Trek Fuck Report baby and under the auspices of the Fuck Report, I have to rate this episode as beyond sub-par because not only was there not any fucking, or interrupted fuck attempts, there wasn't even any base level horniness. When the horniest thing that happens is an 80s teen girl with terrible 80s hair telling Wesley "Fuckface" Crusher that he's cute, you know something has gone terribly, terribly wrong.
Fuck CountAs mentioned above there wasn't even any horniness in this episode. To be most forthright, outside of the teenage crush shit with Wesley and the Space 1980s Valley Girl, the closest thing to horniness was Worf curtly explaining that the fuck plague that infected the Enterprise back in episode 3 was an accident and nothing more. Another absolute bummer of an episode for those of us in the field of Star Trek fuckology.
Total Fucks for Episode: 0
Total Fucks for Season: 6
Total Fucks for Series: 6
Get on the horn and rap about that shit, mang! 
