Star Trek: TNG - An In-Depth Analysis of Who Boned the Most

The reverse aging old man who sold arms to two sides of a conflict was indeed this season. You can read my words about it here if you so desire.

The double-edge sword of the expertly done HD remaster is something I wanted to mention in the write-up of that too many Klingons episode from a few episodes back. There were times where the seam of the forehead prosthetic was painfully obvious due to HD in a way that clearly wouldn't have been an issue in standard definition on a cathode-ray TV with artificial woodgrain in your parents' basement circa 1988 (which is the way TNG is supposed to be watched). As far as this episode being a two-parter it's already kind of a one and a half parter as there was a bit of groundwork laid during that shitty "Coming of Age" episode. They could have easily jettisoned the Wesley takes his space S.A.T.s stuff and fleshed out the background of the conspiracy part and things would have worked out much better. 

Star Trek: The Next Generation - S01E26 - The Neutral Zone

Well boys and girls we've finally come to the end of the first season of Star Trek: The Next Generation. Debuting on May 16, 1988, The Neutral Zone, would cap off the first uneven season of the show, but as an episode how did it fare? Was it a suitable sendoff or was it rife with a surprising amount of racism and/or sexism? And most importantly did anyone fuck in this episode?

Preexisting Prejudices
I vaguely remember this episode being about people from the 20th century appearing on the Enterprise with disastrous results though I cannot for the life of me recall how they got onto a spaceship in the 24th century. Time fuckery perhaps? Also unknown what any of that has to do with the Neutral Zone.

Plot Synopsis
Today's cold open begins with Riker dropping a First Officer's Log in place of the usual Captain's Log that begin these things. He tells us that Picard had been summoned to some Space Base for a meeting and the rest of them are just chillin' hard waiting for his shuttle to return. He explains that at least they've found an old-ass space capsule from Earth to kill time by gawking at.

Worf tells Riker that it will eventually enter some random-ass system where it will certainly be destroyed and offers to catch it with a tractor beam but Riker's like, "Fuck that noise son it's just some space garbage."

Data is a bit more sentimental about the capsule and asks to beam over to study it while they are waiting for the Captain to return. Riker doesn't understand why he'd want to study some space garbage, but Data is like, "It is a piece of history," and tells Riker that chances to study ancient vehicles such as this are few and far between.

Riker tells him that he can go but that he needs to be back before the Captain returns. He then tells Worf to go with Data.

A moment later Data and Worf beam onto the capsule and begin looking around. They discover that the computers have ceased functioning but Data says that he "may be able to download this old style disk drive back to the Enterprise." I'm confused by how Worf and Data are able to walk around inside this space capsule. Certainly if it's something from the late 20th century or early 21st century like they claim it would not have artificial gravity since that is the time in which we currently live and we have yet to develop such technology, but I digress...

We then get some shitty comic relief as Worf walks into a door because it doesn't automatically open. He decides that it must have been sealed due to the age of the capsule and prepares to blast it open, but Data stops him and turns a lever to open it. Out of all the random-ass planets they've traveled to is this literally the first non-automatic door Worf had ever encountered? You'd assume that on some of the pre-space flight planets they'd still have normal-ass doors since in the real world automatic doors only existed for like seven years before the first trek into space and didn't become widespread until much later.

Anyway the door opens and Data and Worf head into the capsule's main chamber where they discover a number of refrigeration units. Data and Worf wipe frost from the viewing windows and find some corpses. Data surmises that the seals on the pods had broken leading to the environment becoming corrupted. They also discover some empty pods, but eventually they discover three humans who are frozen and appear to be completely intact. TALK ABOUT A (LITERAL) COLD OPEN!

After that good, good opening theme song, Geordi informs Riker that Picard's shuttle is approaching. Picard gets on the phone and tells Riker that he wants to get underway as soon as his shuttle has been secured. Riker tells him that he'll begin preparations and then calls Data and tells him to return to the Enterprise.

Data tells him about the frozen people he discovered and tells Riker that he doesn't think it right to leave them on the ship since it's all kind of fucked up. Riker tells him that whatever he's going to do he needs to do it quickly because Picard is nearly back and is in some kind of rush.

A moment later, Picard enters the bridge and tells Geordi to set coordinates that will take them into the Neutral Zone. Geordi's a bit confused, but Picard tells him that the coordinates are correct and to put the pedal to the metal...WARP 8!

Later in the conference room, Picard explains that a number of Federation outposts have been destroyed and they've also lost contact with several starbases near the Neutral Zone. Worf assumes that Romulans are responsible and Picard says that others in Starfleet share Worf's belief but Riker is perplexed since there's been no contact with the Romulans since "the Tomed Incident" some fifty years earlier.

Picard explains that it has been decided that Starfleet will send one ship (the Enterprise) to the Neutral Zone to determine what the Romulans are playing at and if push comes to shove show them the Federation's resolve. He says that it is assumed that the Romulans are hoping to draw the Federation into a skirmish in order to see how far the Federation has advanced in terms of technology and tactics. He then asks Troi for a profile on the Romulans and tells everyone to reconvene in six hours stating that he "would rather outthink them than outfight them," even though Riker and Worf both seem to want to fight them.

Later, Dr. Beverly Crusher informs Picard that she has thawed out the frozen people from the capsule. Picard seems confused by this so she tells him that Data brought them back from a derelict space capsule and she had no choice but to thaw them out because their refrigeration pods were falling apart.

She explains that they are currently sleeping and that all of them had some minor medical condition that would have been a death sentence in the late 20th century. She tells him that one had a heart condition, another emphysema and the third extensive liver damage. She then tells him that "the most surprising thinkg of all is that each of them had been frozen after they died." Picard is completely poleaxed by this so Dr. Beverly Crusher explains cyronics to him ("it was a kind of fad in the late twentieth century").

Picard then summons Data to the sickbay. After Data arrives he tells Data that he is never critical of his staff being curious but the timing of this filler episode plot couldn't come at a worse time. Data explains that he couldn't in good conscious leave them on a deteriorating ship but Picard tells him, "they were already dead. I mean, what more could have happened to them?"

Data concedes this point to the Captain who is then like, "Well they're alive now. We're going to have to treat them as living human beings..." He seems super disgusted by this fact which is hilarious to me.

Dr. Beverly Crusher tells him that they are ready to be awakened. Picard thinks he would be a good idea to have security on hand and summons Worf to the sickbay. Worf arrives and Dr. Beverly Crusher uses an asthma inhaler on a previously frozen woman's neck. She wants up, takes one look at Worf and promptly faints. "Welcome to the 24th century," says a sarcastic Picard as we head to commercial break.

Back from the break, Data explains that he was able to retrieve some data from the old-ass floppy disc he got off the space capsule that sheds some light on the three survivors. The woman is named Clare Raymond and she was a thirty-five year old homemaker. "Must be some kind of construction work," opines Data.

The second is a fifty-five year old financier named Ralph Offenhouse. Dr. Beverly Crusher explains that he died of advanced cardiomyopathy which at the time of his death was inoperable, but in the Next Generation is easily correctable.

Data explains that the data file of the third survivor was corrupted and could not be retrieved but his name is "L.Q. 'Sonny' Clemonds" and "apparently his occupation had something to do with music." Dr. Beverly Crusher and Picard get back on that blaming addicts for being addicts tip after Dr. Beverly Crusher reveals that there was "marked deterioration of every system in his body. Probably from massive chemical abuse."

The three individuals are awoken and Picard then leaves them to Dr. Beverly Crusher and returns to the bridge where he tells Riker to take care of the formerly frozen trio and to keep them out of his way.

Sometime later, Riker has the trio in a living room somewhere. He explains to them that they are on a starship called the USS Enterprise. Ralph asks if it's an American ship but Riker explains that it's "a cessel of the United Federation of Planets" of which Earth is a member. He then asks what year it is and Data tells him that it is 2364.

The musician Sonny (who sounds like a hillbilly) wants to know what Data is. Riker informs him that he is an android. Sonny's like, "A robot?" which leads Data to state that there are differences between androids and robots, but does not elaborate any further. Clare wants to know about the one she saw before "with the head," but Riker tells her that explaining what a Klingon is while take more explanation.

Dr. Beverly Crusher explains to them that they are all now in perfect health and how they came to be on the Enterprise. Ralph seems more concerned about his money and stock portfolio than anything else though on account of being Big Business. He asks Riker for a phone so he can contact the bank and check on his money but Riker tells him that that won't be possible at the moment. Ralph then asks for a copy of the Wall Street Journal, but Riker tells him (and the others) to take things slowly until they are adjusted at which time they'll speak with the Captain.

Meanwhile on the bridge, Troi relays to Picard all she was able to ascertain about the Romulans from watching old videos of Star Trek: The Original Series. She explains that they are related to the Vulcans but are way more extreme. She says that they are arrogant but also curious and are fascinated by humans which is probably the main thing that has kept the peace. She tells him that the Romulans will not initiate anything, but will instead wait for Picard to commit himself. Picard thanks her for her insight.

Elsewhere Data and Riker are with the 20th Century Idiots. Data tells Sonny to order what he wants from the food dispenser. Sonny lists off a bunch of things but then cancels it and just orders a martini with two olives ("for the vitamins,") instead. He takes a sip and whistles. Data assumes that there is something wrong with it but Sonny declares it to be the best martini he's ever had. He then asks how to turn on the TV so he can watch the Braves.

Riker is perplexed by what he means by "TV." So Data explains that "he means television sir. That particular form of entertainment did not last much beyond the year 2040." That's right kids, we've got about 20 years of television left if Star Trek: The Next Generation is to be believed.

Sonny is dismayed by this and asks, "Well what do you guys do? I mean you don't drink and you ain't got no TV." Um...since when do they not drink? Their computer just made him a martini. They've routinely knocked back drinks in episodes. There's a bar (though it has not yet shown up) on their ship. Sure he might be correct about the lack of TV but half these space misadventures are alcohol fueled.

Anyway Picard calls them on the phone and tells Riker and Data to head back to the bridge. Ralph asks them who they were talking to and Riker tells him it was the Captain. Ralph asks them to tell the Captain that he would like to see him as soon as possible. Clare wants to know what's going to happen to them but Riker tells her that it will be up to the Captain. Ralph then yells at Riker to bring the Captain to them posthaste since the interest in his Swiss bank accounts might be enough to buy the Enterprise outright. Riker brushes him off and then heads out with Data.

Sonny tells Data, "Why don't you come back later on. You and me'll find us a couple of low mileage pit woofies, and help'em build a memory."

Out in the hallway Data asks Riker what "a low mileage pit woofie" is but Riker is like, "The fuck if I know." They then talk about how garbage old timey people were which is pretty accurate based on how we in the 21st century look back at our own past.

Later in the ready room, Picard asks for his officers to report. Worf says that they are still six hours out from the Neutral Zone and he has so far been unable to contact any of the nine Federation colonies or space bases in the area. He Riker and Geordi then decide to proceed working under the assumption that they have all been destroyed by the Romulans since it fits the historic pattern.

Data says that because there's been a lack of contact for nearly half a century all the data they have is out of date. Riker views this as a positive since it also means the information the Romulans have about them is similarly out of date. Riker then opines that the lack of current data is the reason the Romulans are attempting to draw them into conflict: to see how far the Federation has advanced.

Riker then says he doesn't have a specific recommendation other than to be prepared ad take the initiative if possible. Worf agrees wholeheartedly while Data agrees only if their assumptions are correct. The meeting is suddenly interrupted by Ralph phoning into the conference room and telling Picard that he needs to speak with him.

Picard chews out Riker who says that Ralph must have figured out how to used the intercom after watching him use it. Picard tells Ralph that they are in the middle of something very important but Ralph is not having it. He says that the Enterprise is the worst run ship he's ever been on and that Picard could learn a thing from the QE2.

Picard is like, "The fuck is a QE2?"

Data explains that it was a ship that operated in the Atlantic Ocean in the late 20th and early 21st century, which I'm not sure is true. Did the QE2 last until the 21st century? It seems like a thing that probably stopped being vital as airfare became cheap as fuck, but I digress. Picard gets annoyed that his top of the line spaceship is being compared to an old-ass ocean liner and storms off while Ralph continues to ramble about how he needs a phone and a radio so he can contact his lawyer and shit.

Picard walks into the living room the 20th century fuckers are hanging out in and yells at Ralph for fucking around with the communication panel. Ralph's like, "If they're so important why don't they need an 'executive key?'" Picard again chides him and says "because no one else on this ship is a dumbass who doesn't understand how important these communicators are and therefore we are all capable of exercising self-discipline."

Picard tells him that the current situation the ship is in is potentially dangerous but Ralph's like, "my money is way more important than whatever it is you're doing because you're just a military man which is no way to make money. I am a one note caricature of a businessman!"

Picard tells Ralph that a lot has changed since he was frozen and that people are no longer obsessed with accumulating things. "We've eliminated hunger, want, the need for possessions. We have grown out of our infancy," he says.

Ralph tells him it wasn't about stuff but rather power. Picard asks him what kind of power he is talking of and Ralph tells him the power "to control your life, your destiny." Picard assures him that that sort of power is an illusion but Ralph tells him that it allowed him to cheat death which causes Clare to start crying.

Picard has zero desire to deal with Clare's shit so he summons Troi to come down to the living room. Riker then phones and tells Picard that they are approaching some space station. Picard tells him that he is on his way and goes to leave but is stopped by Sonny who tells him he needs to see "that pretty little Doctor of yours." Picard will tell her.

Ralph then apologizes for being a dick and says that he's built his entire life around knowing what's happening and for the first time he's completely in the dark and feels crazy because of it. Picard tells him that is the first reasonable thing he's said and then reminds him to not use the communicator.

Out in the hallway, Picard tells Troi to get those old timey assholes under control.

Later in Clare's quarters Troi talks to her about feelings. Clare calls her a "shrink" but Troi doesn't understand what it means. Clare explains that she misses her sons and can't stop crying. She says she doesn't know why her husband would have done this and then explains exactly why he would have done it after Troi speculates that he must have thought it was what Clare would have wanted.

"No, I can tell you exactly what happened. He couldn't think about going on alone," says Clare who has no idea why her husband would have had her frozen.

Clare says that she wants to know what happened with her kids so Troi gets on the computer and Googles them. Troi says that there would be records of marriages and births and things of that ilk so there's a good chance they can find out what happened to them. Clare thanks her and then tells the computer when her kids were born, but the scene cuts before she offers up a year of birth for the first kid so we can't do math and figure out exactly when Clare would have died and thus how ludicrous her being frozen and shot into space actually is.

Elsewhere Sonny is doctor shopping in the sickbay, trying to get Dr. Beverly Crusher to give him some pills, but this week Dr. Beverly Crusher is a lot less compassionate to drug addicts than she was a few episodes earlier and gives him an emphatic "no," telling him that he has "no medical need."

Sonny tells her that he'll just make do the best he can then and asks her how he can find Data. Dr. Beverly Crusher tells him that she'll let Data know that Sonny is looking for him. Sonny gives he swat on the ass and tells her that she is "the prettiest little old doctor," that he has ever seen. My dude, Dr. Beverly Crusher is not an old doctor, you must be thinking of Doctor Grandma who I think shows up in the next episode...

Back in Clare's quarters Troi has found Clare's family tree. Clare is amazed by it but then gets emotional due to the fact that everyone she ever knew is now dead. She asks to be alone for awhile and Troi leaves.

Meanwhile in Sonny's quarters Data shows up. Sonny tells him that he's looking for "something to do," so he doesn't go crazy. He suggests throwing a party. Nothing fancy, "just some folks, some suds, and some sounds."

Data tells him that he'll talk to the Captain about it and then asks him why he isn't having as much trouble adjusting to his circumstances as the other. Sonny tells him "it's the same dance, it's just a different tune," and then asks if anyone has a guitar he can use.

Data tells him that no one would have a guitar, but he can get the computer to replicate one for him. Riker then summons Data to the bridge since they are approaching the neutral zone. Sonny asks him what the Neutral Zone is and Data tells him that it's a "buffer between the Romulan Empire and the Federation." This makes Sonny nervous and he assumes that they "won't be inviting these Romulans to our party." Data confirms that they will not.

Back from commercial break, Picard explains via Captain's Log that they have arrived at the edge of the Neutral Zone and will have a chance to find out what happened to their outposts. Unfortunately what they find is a whole lot of nothing. No evidence of a fight or an explosion or natural phenomenon. It as though, as Worf says, "some great force just scooped it off the face of the planet."

Picard has Geordi set a course for the next closest station.

Down in the 20th century fuckers' living room, Ralph explains that something serious is happening on the ship and explains that the "tension level" has "jumped up." Sonny's like, "The fuck can we do? We don't know shit about space. Besides that robot fella made me this sweet guitar. Plays real good, too!" Ralph gets all pissed at him for not being a man of action but Sonny is once again the voice of reason telling Ralph to "just relax and let 'em (the crew of the Enterprise) do their jobs." Ralph will not abide by they and goes out to speak to the manager or some shit.

Back on the bridge Geordi informs the Captain that they've arrived at the next station but the crew finds the situation to be identical to the previous one. There is no sign of anyone or anything. Riker wants to go to Red Alert since it's entirely likely that the Romulans have improved their cloaking device and could be lurking anywhere.

Worf concurs and wants to go to battle stations, but Picard says that this is not a time for rash actions. He wants to investigate the remaining stations in the area and "proceed in a calm and orderly manner." Eventually though he agrees to go to Yellow Alert.

Down in the bowels of the ship the Yellow Alert klaxon sounds as Ralph wanders the halls. He sees a lady get out of an elevator and goes it in and tells the computer to take him to the bridge.

Back on the bridge, Worf detects a disturbance and Riker orders the shields up. Riker wants to fire up the laser blasters and photon torpedoes but Picard wants to hold off on that and not do anything to antagonize the Romulans. They try to lock onto the disturbance but it quickly vanishes as Ralph gets off the elevator and comes onto the bridge.

Geordi says that they can be certain that the Romulans cloaking technology has improved. Picard tells Riker that they were just attempting to gauge the Enterprises intentions and see if they would fire or not. Ralph then demands to know "Who the hell are they?" Riker yells for security to get Ralph off the bridge as the Romulan ship decloaks on the big-ass TV.

Back from break the crew (and Ralph) express shock at what they are seeing. Picard tells them to stay calm and open hailing frequencies (there has to be some shitty t-shirt with this on it in the style of those stupid British Keep Calm and Carry On posters right). Worf takes umbrage with this since the Romulans are without honor and killed his parents when they were supposed to be allies with the Klingons. So is Worf over 50 years old? I'm very confused by this timeline.

Picard tells him to control his emotions and open hailing frequencies. Worf does so and Picard introduces himself. Eventually two Romulans appear on the screen. They admit that their outposts have been destroyed in the same way as the Federation's. Picard asks them who is responsible for the attacks but the Romulans say nothing.

Ralph randomly yells, "They haven't got a clue! They're hoping you know, but they're too arrogant to ask!" Riker tells Ralph that he's out of line but Picard says the 20th century fucker is also correct in his assessment. The Romulans then admit that they do not know who is responsible. Picard proposes that the two sides work together to get to the bottom of the situation and share what information they can ascertain.

The Romulans agree but only "on this one issues. And only if it is convenient and appropriate at the time." Way to give a noncommittal answer there guys. The Romulans then warn Picard that they were only absent because other more urgent matters distracted them but now they are back and will not tolerate anymore unchecked Federation expansion. They sign off and Picard says, "I think our lives just became a lot more complicated," before throwing Ralph off his bridge.

Meanwhile in Clare's quarters, Troi finds some relative of Clare's. He has the same name as Clare's son and looks just like her husband. Troi suggests Clare visit him in Indianapolis when she returns to Earth since he's family and it's probably the best place to start.

Later in the conference room, Picard tells the people out of time that he has arranged for the USS Charleston to take them back to Earth since they can't stay on the Enterprise. Ralph, finally realizing that all his money and work connections are gone wonders what he will do and how he will live. Picard reminds him that it's the 24th century and they are living in a post-scarcity economy except for when they want to talk about workplace gambling or buying drinks at a bar.

Ralph wants to know what the challenge is if there's not a way to become the richest anymore. Picard tells him the challenge comes from trying to improve and enrich oneself. Sonny, meanwhile, takes this new situation in stride "since everybody's forgotten everything I ever did." He then offers Data a career in the music industry. Data says the "offer does present a certain fascination," but ultimately declines. He would release an album of jazz standards some three years later.

Back on the bridge Geordi tells Picard that he's plotted a course to intercept the Charleston so they can drop off the 1980s people but the Charleston has told that that they are going to be making an extended stop at some random planet. Picard gives zero shits. Geordi continues that they could drop them off at some starbase and save them some time but Picard thinks that being in space for an extended period of time will help them adjust to their current situation.

Riker says it's a pity that they couldn't take them back to Earth themselves since having them on the ship is "like a visit from the past." Picard, however, says that going to Earth would take them in the wrong direction, apparently forgetting the fact that they returned to Earth in the previous episode and were greeted by Admirals who said it was always a pleasure to see the Enterprise return to Earth which implies it happens with some regularity.

Picard then says some trite bullshit about how their mission is to go forward and it's only just begun before blasting off to further adventure.

How Rikered Was Riker?
He did allow Worf and Data to beam over to a derelict space ship that Data only scanned to determine whether or not it had oxygen in it after they beamed over. I'm not entirely certain whether or not Data needs oxygen in order to function but Worf definitely does. I'm saying our man was three sheets to the wind at least in the cold open.

Final Thoughts
This episode kind of sucked in a lot of ways and completely sucked as a season finale, especially when compared to the episode that preceded it. Sure nothing came of the brain fucklers but that homing beacon beeping would have been a much better send off for the first season than the trite, "There's still much to do. Still so much to learn. Mister La Forge, engage!" that we got.

To be fair to this episode there could have been a decent season 2 hook with the Romulans returning and foreshadowing some unseen enemy that both sides are afraid of. I don't know if this was always supposed to be the Borg, something they retconned into being the Borg, or another thing like the brain fucklers that is never mentioned again, but ultimately it seems a lot less menacing than the brain fucklers did because it more or less plays second fiddle to people from the 1980s being dumb in the future. Had the entire episode been dedicated to the Romulan plot and the 1980s people in the future been its own episode this could have been a decent season finale but it wasn't so it isn't.

Similarly the stuff with people from the 1980s appearing in the 24th century or whenever the Next Generation is could have been an alright one off thing since it provided the show with an in-universe means of explaining how their society functioned and differed from the society of 1980s America in a way that was logical. That being said, the tone of the stuff with the thawed out people of the late 80s was kind of lighthearted and goofy which didn't really lend itself well to the seriousness of the B-plot with the Romulans. Also no one fucked.

Fuck Count
So here we are. The final fuck count for the season, and it still stands at 6 fucks total and to be completely honest, two of those fucks are speculative at best. The only people we know fucked for certain are Data & Yar and Riker & The President of Angel One. The two remaining fucks would have been between Yar and some number of random denizens of Fuck Planet VII and Riker and any number of Fuck Planet VII residents though in both instances the fucking is subtextual.

For a show that I recall being one of the horniest television programs of all time, this initial season was remarkably chaste. Outside of these 6 (or 4) individuals fucking there was very little even in the way of sexual tension. There were a few moments between Picard and Dr. Beverly Crusher but their seeming desire to fuck would more often than not be completely ignored depending on who was writing the episode. The same is kind of true of Riker and Troi though with them things more often manifested in the two of them being emo rather than gazing upon each other in a lusty manner.

Hopefully the action picks up in Season 2 and we get way more horniness and outright fuckin', but until that time here are the Star Trek: TNG Fuck Report Season 1 MVF (Most Valuable Fucker) and LVF (Least Valuable Fucker).

MVF: My mang, Commander William Riker. Not only did he engage in sexual diplomacy and randomly fuck a bunch of horny aliens that later wanted to kill Wesley Crusher. He got emo as fuck when his fuck buddy was going to get married and on occasion eye-fucked random female crew members. Honorable mention goes to Yar who fucked a robot and also horny aliens and did little else before getting killed by Swamp Thing But Oil.

LVF: While there were only a handful of characters that engaged in fucking this season, I'm going to give the nod to Captain Picard because there was an opportunity for him to get on the Fuck Count Tallyboard, but Patrick Stewart put the kibosh on it, thus depriving all of us of this very important potential fucking. If not for this bit of metadata being known to me I probably would have given it to Geordi, but knowing what I know about Geordi in later seasons I figure he'll end up owning this title in all subsequent seasons anyway.

Total Fucks for Episode: 0
Total Fucks for Season: 6
Total Fucks for Series: 6

The thing with it being the Borg as we already discussed with regards to the brainfucklers is that there’s ultimately too much overlap between the two in terms of substance and style so if they were at this point still operating under the assumption that the brainfucklers would be an ongoing thing I’m thinking that this was probably supposed to be something other than the Borg that they later were like, “Oh that? That was the Borg.”

The retcon / decision of it being the Borg actually makes no sense though. The first time the Borg encounter humanity is in the Season Two episode "Q Who" (also in the top-five episode list for S1 and S2), but they're clearly a very, very long way away from Federation space. Indeed it actually kind of lines up with where Borg space is shown to be in Voyager, in that the Enterprise in "Q Who" is potentially Delta/Gamma quadrant distances away when they encounter the Cube. And Q makes a big song and dance in that episode of "ah-ha! The Borg know who you are now!" Yet here, before the Borg have encountered humanity they're apparently gouging out huge chunks of planets... that humanity has established colonies on. It doesn't work. For it to be successful "Q Who" would need to precede "Adventures Of Fucking Stupid 20th Century People"

I hope the USS Charleston is part of a squadron that includes the USS Twist, The USS Mashed Potato and the USS Breakdance.

I think I briefly debated getting those tapes back in the day but didn't want any of the Season 1 episodes that the collection started with, so I never bothered. Eventually, it came out on DVD, and I never got around to buying that either.

This was replaced for the HD release, but before that, when Troi helped Clare look up her family tree, the names on the screen included six that Prole Hole may find familiar:

Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!*

*Only Star Trek double fist punches allowed since that will ensure that no one actually gets hurt!

Reading Rainbow - S06E01 - The Bionic Bunny Show

Having just finished compiling my data on the first season of Star Trek: The Next Generation, for the Star Trek Fuck Report I thought it would behoove me to briefly pause and examine something tangential related to the first season of Star Trek: The Next Generation that would otherwise fall outside of the auspices of this august publication. Today, dear readers, we are going to examine the first episode of the sixth season of Reading Rainbow, "The Bionic Bunny Show."

For those of you who are somehow oblivious to this fact, Reading Rainbow, was a children's television program that aired on PBS from 1983 until 2006. It was hosted by your pal and mine, LeVar Burton (the man behind the visor on Star Trek: The Next Generation) and aimed to foster literacy and a love of reading among small children. I am quite well aware of the fact that I tend to come off as sarcastic in these writings but without any irony whatsoever Reading Rainbow was a fantastic show that I loved as a small lad and the fact that LeVar Burton from Reading Rainbow was on the show was a major contributing factor to me watching Star Trek: The Next Generation in the first place.

None of this really answers the question of why I am looking at a random episode of Reading Rainbow though, so allow me to explain. This episode, which first aired on August 15, 1988, featured LeVar Burton offering a behind the scene look at the making of Star Trek: The Next Generation. As this episode first aired between Seasons 1 and 2 of The Next Generation, this seems like a perfectly cromulent place for me to examine this episode.

Preexisting Prejudices
I taped this episode off television when I was 8 years old and watched it pretty frequently so I remember a lot of the specifics, but having just watched the first season in its entirety I will be fun to see what episodes they are pulling stuff from when LeVar shows us the behind the scenes stuff.

Plot Synopsis
After a very different albeit equally good, good theme song we get a shot of the Enterprise cruising through space. We then check in on the bridge where it's apparently casual Friday as Geordi is clad in slacks and a denim shirt. Oh wait I forgot this is Reading Rainbow. Geordi's a fictional character. This guy is LeVar Burton. LeVar helpful reminds us that we might have seen him on the bridge before as Geordi LaForge, "the ship's navigator." So I guess in this random-ass episode of Reading Rainbow we finally get confirmation of what Geordi's job actually was in the first season.

LeVar then shows us "something I'll bet you haven't seen before," and the camera pans out to show the sound stage that the bridge set has been built on. There are a bunch of lights and ladders and cameras and shit. He tells us that, "None of this (the random ladders and cameras and stuff) ever appears in an episode of the show," but, he goes on to explain, it all makes the show possible.

He then tells us that "What you see on screen just isn't the whole story." He uses this to transition to this episode's book which gives this episode its title, "The Bionic Bunny Show." He then holds up a copy of the book and informs us that it's about all the work that goes into making "a TV show about an ordinary rabbit who becomes a superhero."

I'm going to forego a play by play of a book for children about an anthropomorphized rabbit playing a superhero on a TV show but will say it was kind of a missed opportunity to not have someone from Star Trek read the book this episode. Instead of Patrick Stewart (who would show up as a reader much later in the show's run) we got some random dude named Gene Klavan who was apparently a disc jockey in New York in the 1950s. Since the show would often have dudes like Pete Seeger and James Earl Jones reading the books this seems like kind of a downgrade but whatever.

Once the book is done we return to the Enterprise where LeVar walks out of a turbolift onto the bridge. Since this is behind the scenes look at the show we hear the doors as they noisily roll on their tracks rather than the cool space aged serpentine hiss they give off on the show.

LeVar tells us that for every person you see on your TV screen there are countless more doing work behind the scenes. He then tells us how "Every week, you see the Captain, Geordi, and the rest of the Enterprise crew." That's some real Gilligan's Island theme song shit right there LeVar. Thankfully like the Gilligan's Island theme song he too quickly realizes that an "and the rest" doesn't really fly and lists off the other crew members:Worf, Troi, Data, and Riker leaving off Yar (though she does appear in this episode), Dr. Beverly Crusher (who I think was feuding with the producers at this point and would be replaced by Doctor Grandma in season 2), and Wesley Crusher (who only appears in clip format here).

He informs us that "Together they (the crew of the Enterprise) keep the ship running at warp speed." According to LeVar, there is another group of people behind the scenes, "that you never get a chance to see...until now!"

We are then treated to a montage of an 80s television production crew working on the set of Star Trek: The Next Generation. We see someone standing in for Troi and people working cameras and junk. The director directs the action and we see the stars of the show getting their makeup done.

As LeVar (in Geordi attire) combs his hair he does another voiceover explaining how all the actors have to transform into their characters and then says, "some of us change more than others!" This leads to us getting a brief look at Michael Dorn's transformation into Worf. LeVar explains that it takes two hours for his "friend Michael" to transform into (cue poor Worf impression) "Lt. Worf!"

We then see Dorn put in his Klingon dentures and growl while looking in the mirror. It is my most sincere hope that he's not just being a goof because he knows the Reading Rainbow cameras are there and this growl is part of his daily routine to get into character.

Dorn, fully made up as Worf then emerges from a trailer and declares, "Stand aside! I take large steps!"

When then check back in on the set of the bridge where we see the cast "going over the script with the director (Win Phelps probably since most of the stuff they've shown has been from the shitty "DON'T DO DRUGS!" episode Symbiosis)." LeVar then informs us that "everybody contributes ideas to make the scene work." I don't know how true this is of any other episode of this show, but on this particular episode apparently, "because of changes to the script, the actors were often acting scenes that they had not seen the script for before the first take." [1] So maybe in this one instance it was truly a collaborative effort.

We see the crew rehearsing on the set. Data's wearing a weird-ass jacket and LeVar explains how directors block the action of a scene. We see Riker and Yar come in and deliver some lines. It's weird that Reading Rainbow's camera crew was on the set for what was obviously one of Denise Crosby's final days on Star Trek, but there ya go. LeVar gleefully informs us that "Rehearsal is going well!" before it's time to make the final preparations to film the scene.

They move some cameras around and LeVar puts his V.I.S.O.R. on like a goddamn boss before the director calls "places," and LeVar explains via voiceover that it's now time for "the actors to bring the scene to life."

We are then shown the distance from Picard to the camera measured with a giant tape measure before the director finally calls action. We see footage of Patrick Stewart and LeVar Burton delivering lines to each other before the director yells cut and redoes the scene from another angle. This is really some Film Making 101 shit which makes sense since this is a show for elementary school students.

The director once more calls for action and we see some backstage dude pulling a rope to open the doors to the turbolift. THE MAGIC IS GONE! Riker comes in with Yar and delivers some dialogue and then repeats the entire thing from another angle and another. LeVar tells the kids at home about "master shots" and closeups and "reaction shots," as we see the scene filmed from different angles and vantage points. I might have been cool if it was a boring line reading blocked in a boring way but it wasn't so it isn't.

Back in the present, LeVar Burton in street clothes wonders how one could possibly make a television program out of all these different shots and camera angles. Apparently you take it to "an electronic editing house!"

LeVar is now at the Post Group in Hollywood, CA to learn how the team there takes the raw footage and fashions it into a proper television program. He introduces Rob Legato, the "visual effects supervisor," for Star Trek: The Next Generation. The dude would go on to win three Oscars for his work on Titanic, Hugo, and The Jungle Book, but here he's just a guy who's about to dump glitter into a water tank (more on that later).

With him are a dude with a sick mullet named Fred Raimondi and a dude without a sick mullet named Rich Thorne. Fred would go on to do effects work on the greatest movie ever, True Lies, and the greatest advertisement for Dungeons & Dragons, Netflix's Stranger Things. Thorne would later work on Fight Club and X-Men.

They are sitting at whatever the video equivalent of a mixing board is called. It is well beyond LeVar's ken and he yells about how complicated it all looks before asking them, "What are all these buttons and knobs?"

The trio explain to LeVar that it's an editing console and it controls the tape machines "downstairs in the basement." They edit scene 42 (or "the one with the solar flares," as Rob puts it) while LeVar looks on and does voiceover work for Reading Rainbow explaining that editing film is "like putting together a puzzle." I don't think this is a particularly good comparison since puzzles generally don't have 20 or so pieces that are similar and can be slotted in to complete the puzzle while the remaining 19 pieces get trashed...or released as some sort of DVD bonus feature.

LeVar then tells us that editing film is something that every dumbass TV show does, but what makes Star Trek special are "THOSE AMAZING SPECIAL EFFECTS!" We get some clips of the Enterprise docking at a spacebase that I'm pretty sure was reused footage from one of the movies with the Next Generation Enterprise superimposed over the Original Recipe Enterprise, and then a brief clip of the Enterprise going into FUCKING OVERDRIVE from that shit "Where No One Has Gone Before," episode where The Traveler was a creep and told Picard that Wesley Crusher was a "the chosen one."

LeVar informs us that Rob and his crew create these AMAZING SPECIAL EFFECTS "in some very surprising ways." Those very surprising ways more or less turn out to be "using random household junk to build miniatures of sci-fi technology."

Rob shows LeVar some random hunk of junk that's about 2 feet tall that he built out of old model parts and straws and shit to represent a 100 foot tall piece of ancient technology. We then see a clip of the random heap of model airplane parts in all its glory when it appeared on that shitty "When the Bough Breaks" episode. Good job Rob!

Rob then shows LeVar how they create the teleportation effect. This is legit the thing I best remember from this particular episode. If I were be sent back in time to the 16th century I wouldn't be able to create any of the technology we in the 21st century take for granted but I would be able to be like, "Yo check this out! Doesn't this look cool as shit?"

Basically to make the sparkly teleportation effect you need to dump a mess of glitter "like you buy at a hobby shop" into a tank of water and stir the water real fast until the glitter is suspended in the water and then film that. BOOM! Teleportation effects! LeVar is utterly amazed by this. I don't know if this is normal for Reading Rainbow episodes but in this one LeVar Burton is fast approaching "Guy on an Infomercial Who Cannot Believe This" levels of shock and awe at everything transpiring around him.

Next up, Rob shows LeVar a model of a shuttle (or "scout ship" as Rob calls it) that they used with a matte painting of the Enterprise when it was docked at a space station (in that episode where the Binars stole the Enterprise). Rob tells LeVar that they "didn't have much money," (on account of dropping $10K on a dumbass wheelchair) so they made it out of disposable razors (you can legit see the Gillette logo on the side) and some LED lights in the front. They show the final result which actually doesn't look that bad, but up close the shuttle looks absolutely ridiculous.

LeVar asks Rob if he likes what he does and Rob gives a pretty noncommittal answer saying it is "fun" and a "challenge," before LeVar changes topics and is like tells he that he knows we're all wonder where the real Enterprise is. I'm not because I saw this episode years ago and remember that it's in some other studio and that it's upside down.

My memory proves correct as LeVar shows us footage of his trip to Image G studios earlier in the day to see "where the Enterprise lives." It is indeed upside down which Rob explains makes it easier to film the ship passing by. He explains that they flip the camera upside down as well so when all is said and done it seems as though the ship was rightside up.

We then see the camera move around on a robot arm filming an upside down model of the Enterprise. Rob tells LeVar (and all of us at home) that they don't move the ship but move the camera instead to create the illusion of motion. They do this "so it's all lit correctly," according to Rob.

Back in the editing suite, LeVar is with the special effects guys who are about to "put the Enterprise into space." LeVar is amped up about this because he apparently doesn't pay any attention to the show he is part of.

Fred explains how they superimpose the footage of the Enterprise on to a image of a planet. This is all very impressive to LeVar who is all like "WOW!" and "WOAH!" after they show the Enterprise get blasted by a blast of blasting (also from that shitty "When the Bough Breaks" episode). Clearly since this cannot possibly be topped by anything else the special effects magicians could show him LeVar thinks them for everything and heads off.

We then see LeVar wandering through the "miles of corridor" on the Enterprise. He talks about "how much power it takes to keep it running," and then appears on the set of engineering. It's all lit up and LeVar seemingly implies that the warp core is powering the set going so far as to do a muscle pose when he says the word "power."

Somehow, LeVar ties the warp core and the concept of power to books and we get the standard issue "if you liked the random ass book we read earlier here are some more book that [pun/metaphor about the overall theme of this episode] but you don't have to take my word for it!"

I wasn't going to mention this segment at all but one of the kids recommends a book ("it's a chapter book!" the kid exclaims) about the making of the Ramona TV show from the 80s (based on the Beverly Cleary books). I legit loved that show and had such a crush on Lori Choidos (Beezus) when I was like 8 years old, but I digress. This has little and less to do with Star Trek so let's sally forth.

With that taken care of, LeVar tells us that on the set things don't always go according to plan and we are then treated to a brief blooper reel. Since all the Reading Rainbow stuff was filmed on a single day there's not a ton of variety in what we get here. It's mostly Picard repeatedly fucking up a line of dialogue but the entire thing ends with LeVar Burton getting a clapboard dropped onto his cock...perhaps this behind the scenes injury is why Geordi never got to fuck in Star Trek.

Anyway I've included the blooper reel below, so enjoy that if you want to see a guy get hit in the cock with a clapboard on a show designed to encourage small children to read.



As the blooper reel comes to a close, LeVar laughs in voiceover and the informs us that even though they have a lot of fun on set, at the end of the day they have a show that everyone is "really proud of."

Back on the bridge, LeVar encourages us to read and tells us that when we read a good book we become, "the producer, the director, the actor, even the special effects magician (which I did not know was the technical term for that job)." He then tells us that he'll see us next time and prepares to beam out. He acts all nervous and jittery before it happens which is kind of funny and then he's gone.

As the credits roll we get to hear that good, good Reading Rainbow theme this time played on a cheesy sounding synthesizer that is clearly attempting to ape the sound of the Star Trek: The Next Generation theme and failing poorly. I do have to give them an A for effort though, and with that our show comes to an end...oh except for LeVar hyping up the books featured in this episode one last time via voiceover.

Final Thoughts
While this is very clearly a show geared towards small children in an era before DVD extras and readily available product photos and things of that ilk this episode of Reading Rainbow provided a pretty interesting look at what went into making a weekly sci-fi show. I'm certain that the various Star Trek: The Next Generation DVDs have more in depth behind the scenes featurettes and I know that there are now countless books and documentaries and websites that examine all the minute details of the behind the scenes stuff but for a lot of people my age this episode was undoubtedly a big part of our Star Trek fandom.

Here's the episode in its entirety for anyone who feels like watching LeVar Burton get excited about absolutely EVERYTHING!

I’m partial to the one where he goes to Chinatown for Chinese New Year.

This makes me irrationally happy. Thank you for including this.

DO I EVER!

It appears that I've never told my LeVar meeting story so I will do so in the Selfie Thread later.

There is also apparently a park 30 minutes from me named after him! I haven't been there yet, but think that's awesome. (Stupid Google Street View hasn't been updated yet.):

LeVar Burton Park

Star Trek: The Next Generation - S02E01 - The Child

Welcome back to the Star Trek Fuck Report, the only scientific study into the fuck habits of the crew of the USS Enterprise (specifically in the Next Generation). Today our studies begin anew as we dive into the second season of one of the great horny sci-fi TV shows of all time. Today we're examining the season premiere, "The Child" which first aired on November 21, 1988.

Preexisting Prejudices
I don't really remember this episode but I do know we get the first appearance of MOTHERFUCKIN' RIKER WITH BEARD! AWWWWWWWW YE YE!!!

Plot Synopsis
The episode begins with the show totally blowing their entire special effects budget in the cold open of the first episode. We get the Enterprise and another random-ass spaceship (apparently called the USS Repulse), some random shuttlecraft leaving a docking bay, all kinds of shit. As we learned in the Reading Rainbow episode I reviewed the other day, budgetary constraints in the later part of season one led to them building shuttles out of Gillette razors and other household items so look for all phasers to be replaced by TV remotes by episode 10.

We then check in on the bridge. AW YE YE!!!! RIKER WITH BEARD!!!! Our man Riker's leveled up since we last saw him and now sports the classic Riker With Beard beard. Other changes to our bridge crew include the yellow uniform of a security officer for Worf (I know he had this way longer than the red uniform, but it still looks wrong to me though that might have been because I have a Worf action figure that was released circa season one and he's in red), and a new uniform for Wesley Crusher who is back on the bridge after a pretty lengthy absence at the end of season one.

Riker With Beard tells the Repulse that they're heading out and the captain of the repulse wishes them luck on their mission and tells Riker With Beard to give his regards to the captain. Riker With Beard then tells Wesley to make preparations to head off to adventure.

Meanwhile in Picard's office, Geordi (also sporting a new yellow uniform that looks wrong because I also have a Geordi in red action figure sitting on my bookshelf next to the Worf action figure) is talking to Picard about some kind of enclosure that sounds like it's for holding animals or something. I guess they're building a zoo or some shit.

Riker With Beard comes in and dominates a chair and explains to Picard that "the transfer's been complete," before adding that Doctor Grandma is being shown to her quarters. Shit...why did I think Doctor Grandma showed up later than this? Picard tells him to take a look at the animal pen that Chief Engineer Geordi developed.

Riker With Beard is all smiley as he tells Geordi, "Chief Engineer. It still has a nice ring to it."

Geordi explains how the animal pen will work and then says that he has to go replicated 512 of them which means he's going to have to divert power from the warp engines for a couple of hours. Explaining that it "can't be helped."

Riker With Beard tells him that when they leave Odette 9 he's going to "need all the power you can slam into those warp engines." Christ alive is season two already 90,023 times hornier than season one or what? Riker With Beard then reverse dominates a chair to leave and Picard tells him that he will relieve Riker at Made Up Space Time O'Clock.

Back out on the bridge, Riker With Beard tells Wesley to plot a course for Odette 9. As the Enterprise heads off to some random star system a random light flying about in space enters the ship. I feel like they've already done this episode and it resulted in Captain Picard randomly getting beamed out into space and then reconstituted into a cached version of his genetic make up in a super stupid bit of Picard's body ex machina. Anyway Data detects the weird light entering the ship and phones Geordi who doesn't detect it.

The light wanders about the halls of the Enterprise, going into the chambers of some random sleeping guy. He's got a hella hairy chest. Nothing happens here. I guess this scene was included for all the dudes that are into old bears and/or 80s women who apparently loved hirsute dudes (what else could possibly explain Tom Selleck's fame). The light continues, entering another bed chamber. It creeps up the sheets and a moment later we see Troi writhing about as she climaxes from the weird light entering her.

Three minutes into the second season and we've already got our first fuck of the season, though it brings me zero joy since it is quite clearly nonconsensual. Way to take to make this fun, goofy (albeit highly scientific) study into something gross writer of "The Child." Thanks a lot!

After that good, good opening theme song Picard drops a Captain's Log explaining that yet another plague has broken out that the Enterprise is about to become embroiled with. They have to go get plague samples and transport them to "Science Station Tango Sierra where hopefully an antidote can be produced." I guess that's why Geordi was building animal pens: to hold plague samples.

On the bridge, Riker With Beard informs Picard that they'll be ready to slam that big hard energy cock into the warp drive within the hour. Picard tells Data to go over the list of plague samples they'll be carrying once they get it and instructs him to do so with "Doctor...uh..."

"Doctor Grandma," Data helpfully adds.

"Yes, you and Doctor Grandma...go through them."

Picard then wonders if the Doctor Grandma has reported in yet. Riker With Beard tells him that she has not so Picard calls the sickbay but the dude who answers the phone is like, "Doctor Grandma is in Ten Forward."

Picard is either disgusted by or extremely impressed by the fact that in less than a couple hours aboard the Enterprise Doctor Grandma was able to find Ten Forward, the bar that it took the rest of the crew over a season to find since they never went there in season one.

Riker With Beard offers to go get her probably because he could use a liquid lunch, but Picard tells him he will go himself because he doesn't want to lose two officers to the demon rum in a single afternoon. Worf is not impressed by Doctor Grandma's Fleetside manner and dismissively states, "Not the best way to meet your new captain."

Picard gets in an elevator as Wesley Crusher is getting out of it, but Wesley quickly gets back in with Picard. They have a legitimately awkward conversation that I guess is supposed to explain why Wesley is still on the ship but his mother isn't. Picard tells him that he's sorry that their current mission will delay Wesley's reunion with his mom but Wesley says it's okay since it will give him "time to finish some projects."

As they get off the elevator Wesley says that it's going to be hard to leave the Enterprise but Picard is like, "Mixed feelings for all of us," which seems like kind of a burn on Wesley, "Look we're bummed that Dr. Beverly Crusher is no longer here, but amped as fuck that your dumb ass is on the way out."

Picard tells him that going from one assignment to another just like when Dr. Beverly Crusher "left to become head of Starfleet Medical," is part of being a Starfleet officer. Wesley says that he understands but then stresses that the Enterprise isn't just any old ship on account of being the only ship in Starfleet that has a weekly television show.

"Do we ever get to see what the people on the USS Repulse do when it doesn't directly involve us?" asks Wesley.

"No, I suppose not," replies Picard before entering the heretofore unentered Ten Forward.

He greets Whoopi Goldberg and asks her where Doctor Grandma is. Whoopi points to a corner of the bar and Picard thanks her and then heads over there. Doctor Grandma is sitting with a glum looking Troi. Picard starts to chew Doctor Grandma out for not following proper protocol but she cuts him off and is like "You'd better listen to this."

Later in the conference room Picard and his crew are all assembled. Picard is like, "Yo dudes, this is Doctor Grandma, but before we do formal introductions she's got some REAL wild shit to tell all y'all. Troi's gone and gotten herself knocked up!"

Riker With Beard is like, "PREGNANT?! THE FUCK?!"

Doctor Grandma then tells everyone (except Geordi who is either still building animal pens or reverting power back to the warp drive and thus not in the room) that Troi's pregnancy is hella weird. She shows two different sets of fetus footage taken several hours apart and explains to those of us that aren't doctors or grandmas that though the footage was taken a couple hours apart the development of the fetus is weeks apart in that short time. This is even more shocking due to the fact that they believe conception took place during the cold open a couple minutes (or hours) earlier. She then explains that at this rate, Troi will give birth in about 36 hours.

Riker With Beard is not taking this well and demands to know who the father is. Troi explains that the night before she got raped by a weird space light. Riker then wants to know what the baby is, wondering what happens when a weird space light impregnates a half Betazoid-half human woman. Doctor Grandma tells him that the fetus is a male and genetically it is identical to Troi.

Troi starts getting woozy as the others converse about what should be done. Worf takes the rare pro-abortion stance stating that whatever is growing inside Troi could pose a threat to the ship and the crew. Data meanwhile wants to study the fetus, but Worf, still on that pro-abortion tip is like, "You can study the body after we kill it!"

Eventually Troi is like, "Captain, do whatever you feel is necessary to protect the ship and the crew, but know this. I'm going to have this baby." Picard is apparently cool with this and says that the matter is settled as we head to commercial break. PRODUCTS!!!

We return from break and Picard drops a supplemental Captain's Log explaining that they've arrived at Odette 9 to pick up some plague samples to transport them to Rachelis. He goes on to state that normally it wouldn't engage in such risky plague transportation business, but is doing so because so many other lives are at stake. Also Troi is hella pregnant.

As if on cue a hella pregnant Troi comes onto the bridge wearing voluminous pregnancy robes. Picard ask her how she is and she says that surprisingly she feels, "better than fine," even though she is hella pregnant.

Picard has Worf open up hailing frequencies and Picard phones down to Odette 9. A guy with a dick-fuckin' awesome mustache answers the phone. He is glad that Picard's finally called and is like, "Let's get going," but Picard's suddenly all about proper etiquette and protocol and wants to know who the mustache guy is. He introduces himself as Lieutenant Commander Hester Dealt of the Federation Medical Board of Trustees or some shit. I don't know.

Picard asks him if the plague samples are ready and Dealt says that they are but doesn't want to beam them onto the Enterprise until after he's inspected the animal pens that Geordi made since this shit is wild and he doesn't want to make any mistakes. Picard agrees and asks for a detailed packing list as well. Dealt is cool with this and gives Picard access to their computers. Picard then tells Riker With Beard to beam Dealt aboard and has Data check the packing list.

We get a Captain's Log dropped to inform us that Dealt has come aboard the ship and for the past 14 hours has been inspecting the animal pens but still is not satisfied that everything is suitable to contain deadly plagues. While this is going on the Enterprise has continued getting calls from the plague ravaged Rachelis System begging for help.

On the bridge, Data informs Picard that they've finally gotten the manifest. Jesus Christ, it took them 14 hours to email a PDF file? In universe this is also a long ass time since Picard's response is, "FINALLY!!!" He tells Data to go over it with Doctor Grandma so both of them are completely familiar with it.
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Out in the hallway Data runs into Troi whose water has just broken. She asks him to help her get to the sickbay. The robot takes her there and Troi tells Doctor Grandma that "It's time." Doctor Grandma leads Troi to the maternity ward while Data phones Worf and tells him to bring his security team to sickbay. Doctor Grandma thinks it's stupid to have armed guards in a delivery room but Data insists since it was the Captain's orders.

Doctor Grandma tells Troi that the baby's father is usually present for deliveries but that's not possible on account of the father being a weird space light sex criminal. Data volunteers to provide support for Troi. Doctor Grandma is like, "You're just a robot, clearly she wants a soft human touch, not the unfeeling cold hand of robots!" Troi, however, is more than willing to have Data help her.

This brief exchange taught me two (2) things that about Star Trek that I either forgot or didn't realize as a small child:

1. Doctor Grandma is a space racist against robots. Whether this is something that continues long-term for the character or just a weird thing that she does in this episode that is later completely ignored (like Geordi being in "constant pain" because of V.I.S.O.R.) remains to be seen.

2. She seems to be implying that unlike Star Wars there are no medical droids in the Star Trek universe. I think that this is incorrect since I am quite certain that Dr. Beverly Crusher routinely used Computer to do medical stuff. Is not Computer as equally cold and unfeeling as a robot? Seems kind of whack.

Anyway Worf and his security team arrive. Doctor Grandma tells them to stay out of her way so they stand in the doorway so they can scope their colleague's crotch as a human being (or whatever it is) comes out of it.

Data is being annoying as fuck asking questions about when babies are aware of the fact that they are babies inside a uterus when Troi is suddenly like, "HERE COMES THE BABY!" Doctor Grandma offers her something for the pain but Troi tells here there is no pain. We see Riker With Beard lurking in the shadows as he fuck buddy is in labor. Two shakes of a puppy-dog's tail later a baby is born.

Doctor Grandma wipes down the baby and gives him to Troi. She asks Troi if super easy births are normal for Betazoids. Troi tells her that they are not if her annoying mom is to be believed. Doctor Grandma then tells Worf that he and his dudes can fuck off. Data thanks Troi for letting him watch a human being (or whatever it is) come out of her crotch and tells her that it was a remarkable experience.

Doctor Grandma asks Troi if she's picked a name yet. Troi says that she's going to name the baby Ian Andrew after her father. Riker With Beard emerges from the shadows and tells her that the baby is, "beautiful...just like his mother." Smooth Riker With Beard...real smooth! He then kisses her cheek. Doctor Grandma asks Troi how she feels and Troi tells her that she feels "wonderful," and thanks Doctor Grandma for everything.

Later Doctor Grandma finally makes an appearance on the bridge. Picard greets her and asks her to sit down. He then asks her how Troi is doing. She tells him that she's "delivered dozens of babies," but none of them were this ease. She tells Picard that there was no pain or trauma for either her or the baby.

Picard does understand what she is talking about. Doctor Grandma tells him that even though Troi had her baby the day before if she were to examine her now she would be able to tell that she'd ever had a baby. "It's as if the incident never happened..." she says. She and Picard then go and visit Troi since there are still two hours until they are ready to transfer plagues onto the Enterprise.

They arrive at Troi's quarters and are shocked to find that Ian is walking around now. Picard's like, "HO FUCK! HOW OLD IS THAT KID?!"

Doctor Grandma tells him that he's only a day but has the look of a child that is "almost four earth years old." Troi tells Ian to, "say hello to Captain Picard." Picard is poleaxed that Ian, a one day old baby, can speak but he does so, greeting the captain. He then tells Picard, "Please don't worry. Everything is okay."

I don't know if it's the fact that there was creepy music, or the fact that the kid actor was creepy, or the fact that a small child declaring everything to be okay is hella creepy, or some combination of the three but this scene creeped me out. Some bad shit is about to go down but first PRODUCTS!!!

Back from break, Picard drops yet another Captain's Log, informing us that the Enterprise is facing "two major problems: Troi's child and the deadly cargo we are about to take on." I guess the kid is now eight years old.

Down in the sickbay Doctor Grandma and Data are going over the packing list of plagues when Riker With Beard calls them and tells them that they are ready to begin bringing the plagues aboard the ship. Doctor Grandma tells him that it's taking them longer than anticipated to categorize them.

Doctor Grandma then calls Data "Dahta," which Data takes umbrage with. "What's the difference?" Doctor Grandma asks. "One is my name. The other is not," replies Data. She then sarcastically examines him to check if there's some "cicuit for bruised feelings." Doctor Grandma is kind of a dick.

She returns to work and doesn't know what some symbol on the manifest means. Data tells her that it means the sample was genetically engineered. Doctor Grandma says that about 28% of the samples fall into this category and blames "some eager beaver."

Data does not know what an "eager beaver" is so Doctor Grandma explains that she meant an overachieving genetic engineer with nothing better to do who "forced this strain of virus to mutate, just so we can see how bad, bad can get." Doctor Grandma then calls Picard to inform him how fucked up the plague samples they are carrying are telling him that if the tamest of the samples were to get out all life on the Enterprise would be destroyed in a matter of hours.

Picard asks her if she has any recommendations but she tells him that she knows they are vital but wanted him to know how fucked up they were. Picard then tells Data that if he is finished reviewing the manifest he needs to go to the teleportation chamber to do some shit there. Data excuses himself and Doctor Grandma replies, "all right Dahta...Data...whatever..." because she's space racist against robots I guess. What a fucking dick!

Meanwhile in the Enterprise's daycare center, Ian and some other children are playing with an animal pen full of puppies! PUPPIES IN SPACE!!! Troi arrives to pick up Ian and she talks to a daycare worker who informs Troi that Ian is "a very tactile child. He wants to touch and feel everything." The daycare worker also tells Troi that she thinks Ian has grown since he got dropped off. Troi tells Ian to thank Miss Gladstone and then they leave together to get something to eat.

Elsewhere Data and O'Brien (who has finally been assigned to the teleportation chamber) begin beaming up samples of plague into the animal pens that Geordi and Dealt are overseeing. Riker With Beard gets on the horn and tells them to let him know when all the samples have been loaded and secured.

Later at Troi's quarters Doctor Grandma and Picard arrive to check on Ian. Troi tells them that they are doing fine and explains that she was getting his supper ready. Ian asks Picard if he wants his supper too but Picard tells him no, but thanks him for the invitation.

Ian abruptly changes topics and asks Picard if he's ever played with puppies before. Picard tells him that he has never played with puppies. Ian then tells Picard that he should go to daycare and play with the puppies while they are still there. Holy shit what if this conversation is the reason Picard gets the dog that he had in the trailers for Star Trek: Picard? Like episode one is Picard being like, "A weird demon kid that Troi gave birth to me told me I should play with the puppies in the nursery but I never got around to it on account of all the fuck plagues and brain fucklers and shit so after I retired I decided it was probably time to play with a puppy..."

Ian then randomly sticks his finger into a bowl of soup and cries out in pain. Doctor Grandma looks at the burn and treats it with some kind of laser pointer and tells him that he'll be fine. Ian tells Troi, "my face is wet," so she wipes his tears away and tells him that everything is going to be okay.

Doctor Grandma whispers to Picard that Ian intentionally burned himself. Picard assumes that he did so "for the experience." Doctor Grandma asks Picard who Ian is and why he's on the Enterprise so Picard asks him but Ian assumes that he means at the dinner table and tells Picard, "Because Mommy said it was time to eat." When Picard specifies "on this ship," Ian replies that it is where he lives.

Troi asks him if he is ready to tell them why he came to the Enterprise but Ian says that he is not yet ready. Troi tells the others that Ian knows the answer but is unable to articulate it at present. Picard tells her that he hopes Ian will be able to explain why he came soon.

Later Riker With Beard informs the Captain that the plague cargo has been loaded. Picard tells the crew to head to Rachelis at warp six.

Meanwhile in Ten Forward an escaped convict walks into a bar. No this is not the setup to a shitty joke, it's just Wesley Crusher wanders into a bar and goes and stares out the window. Whoopi Goldberg goes over and asks him if she can get him anything but Wesley tells her that he just likes looking out the window. She says that she understands why since the view is beautiful and then again asks if he wants anything.

She then asks him what he sees when he looks out the window. Wesley tells her about the random planets and stars and shit but she's like, "That's not what I mean. I mean, when you look there, don't you see your future?"

Wesley tells her it will still be there later and Whoopi Goldberg offers to get him a beverage for the third time. Wesley gets a little annoyed but Whoopi Goldberg tells him that offering to get drinks is what she's expected to do. She then asks Wesley if he does what's expected all the time.

Wesley tells her that he tries to even if it's something he doesn't really want to do because it's sometimes "more important to consider others before yourself." Whoopi Goldberg then replies that he is right, but emphasizes that sometimes it's important to know when to put your own self-interests ahead of those of others. She encourages Wesley to give himself "permission to be selfish," as the Enterprise jumps to hyperspace.

Down in the cargo hold Dealt says that "Something's wrong." There's growth in one of the animal pens. Geordi calls up to the bridge and informs the Captain who wants to know how serious the issue is. Dealt replies, "Very," as we head to commercials. PRODUCTS!!!

Back from the ad break we get another supplemental Captain's Log in which Picard reminds us that the plague is growing in the animal pen for reasons still unknown to him and his dudes in the event that we forgot what was happening during the commercial break.

Picard chats with Geordi about what the fuck is going on and Geordi tells him that there's no reason for the plague to be growing. Geordi adds that he "can't even isolate the cause of the problem." Riker With Beard and Data head down to the cargo hold to check it out and Picard phones Doctor Grandma and tells her to go down to the cargo hold as well.

Back on Ten Forward, Wesley Crusher tries to spit game at Whoopi Goldberg trying to figure out where she's from and how old she is. His terrible flirting is cut short by Picard summoning him to the bridge. Before he goes he thanks Whoopi Goldberg for helping him figure out what he needs to do going forward. She tells him that's why she's on the Enterprise...to do "magical negro" shit.

Down in the cargo hold Riker With Beard wants to know why one particular plague is going buck wild but all the others are completely fine. They check the animal pen but everything is working according to design. They then check to see if maybe the growth reading is incorrect but the computer tells them that there is definitely shit growing in there. This is weird because the computer voice is the rare "Male Voiced Computer" rather than the normal female voice Computer uses.

Doctor Grandma shows up and after being informed that one of the specimens is growing bellows, "DESTROY IT NOW!" Dealt tells her that he can't and the says that they can't jettison it into space since it will spore and just chill out until it hits a planet or another spaceship with disastrous results. He then tells everyone that the animal pen will not be able to hold the plague and in couple hours it will break free.

Riker With Beard calls up to Picard and tells him what's going on and then recommends moving all non-essential personnel to the saucer section and prepare to detach it if they can't get the plague sample under control. Picard is cool with this.

Doctor Grandma asks Dealt if he knows how this one plague came into being. Dealt pulls up a file and they review it. Apparently it was created by bombarding it with "Eichner radiation." Doctor Grandma wonders if exposure to Eichner radiation could be causing it to grow.

Dealt says that it would be possible but didn't detect any such radiation when he was doing his preliminary scans, though now he is detecting it. They try to figure out where the radiation could be coming from but none of the usually sources are things that are on the Enterprise.

Meanwhile in Troi's quarters it's bedtime for Ian. As Troi tucks him in Ian tells her that he can sense that some of the people are worried. Troi tells him that she can sense it too but he needn't worry about it. Ian tells her that he is the reason that they are all worried and that he has to leave immediately "or it'll be very bad for everyone."

Troi realizes that Ian, much like Luke and Leia's mom in Revenge of the Sith, has lost the will to live and is about to die. She gets on the horn and summons the medics to her quarter for a medical emergency as we head to commercials and Ian dies in her arms.

And we're back!

Doctor Grandma arrive with Data and Riker With Beard. Doctor Grandma asks if Ian ate anything poisonous or fell from a great height but Troi tells her he did not. Data scans the boy and determines that he is the source of the radiation that was causing the plague to go buck wild. Troi tells Data that Ian had claimed to be the reason the ship was in danger and Data replies that his analysis was correct.

Doctor Grandma is losing Ian...and Ian's dead. Doctor Grandma is like, "Well...he's dead I guess," and Troi beings to cry. A moment later Ian's body dissolves into the weird ball of light. Troi holds it in her hand and smiles before it flies off to adventure.

Geordi then phones Riker With Beard and tells him that the plague is no longer wilding out. Troi says that Ian was right then. He really was the cause of the plague going ape-shit. Riker With Beard is like, "I sure does look that way..."

Troi then explains that Ian was a "life force entity" which I assume is a slightly hornier relative to the crystalline entities that roam the galaxy. Troi explains that Ian saw the Enterprise and wanted to know more about humans and decided the best way to learn was to experience life as a human from the very beginning. This is fucking dumb the method in which he experienced life from birth means that he already understood how humans were born. This seems like a much higher level of understanding than the "a pile of puppies rules" and "soup is hot" nonsense he learned later. So I've got no idea what he actually needed or wanted to learn on the Enterprise.

Riker With Beard is then like, "When he turned into a weird ball of light you smiled. WHAT'S UP WITH THAT?!"

Troi replies, "He said, thank you. I told him we will miss him. And I will." She would not.

Later on the bridge the Enterprise approaches a spacebase. Picard calls down to the teleportation chamber and tells Data and O'Brien that they've arrived and wants this plague bullshit off his spaceship posthaste.

Riker With Beard agrees with the Captain and will be glad when they are relieved of the plagues. Picard then hands over command of the bridge to Riker With Beard and goes to leave but Wesley Crusher asks to speak with him when he has a moment. Picard tells him that he will be in his ready room when Wesley's duties permit.

Down in the cargo hold Geordi asks Dealt how long it will take to develop a vaccine. Dealt is like, "We may never develop one." Geordi gets a bit bummed out by the futility of it all but Dealt seems hopeful. Data then calls and tells them that they are ready to begin beam plagues and plague doctors down. Geordi wishes Dealt luck as the doctor is beamed off the Enterprise. When the doctor is gone, Geordi tells Data that he can being beaming the plagues off the ship.

Later in Picard's ready room, Wesley knocks and is told to come in. He tells Picard that he wants to stay on the Enterprise. Picard asks him if he's asked his mother but Wesley said that he wanted to ask Picard's permission first. Picard tells Wesley it's more complicated than that. Riker With Beard then calls on the phone and is like, "Yo boss, all the plagues are gone. We are ready to fuck off."

"MAKE IT SO NUMBER ONE!" booms Picard. He then tells Wesley to go back to work. A dejected looking Wesley Crusher leaves.

Back out on the bridge Picard informs the rest of the bridge crew that Wesley has asked to remain on the Enterprise. Riker With Beard asks Picard how he responded. Picard tells him that he hasn't yet since Wesley staying will cause problems for all of them.

Riker With Beard asks who will oversee his studies now that his mother is gone. Picard tells him that duty will fall upon Commander Data. Riker With Beard then asks who will tuck him in at night. Wesley is a dork and is like, "C'mon Commander...that's not funny," but Worf stoically declares that he will serve as Wesley's mother and make sure he is tucked in at night. Troi, who no longer gives a shit about her dead son, jokes, "Well, we know he'll get his sleep."

Picard then is like, "There's one more thing Number One. We need someone to show young Wesley how to fuck his way across the galaxy and score only the premium alien pootang. It is my belief, Number One, that you are best qualified to supervise that. ARE YOU WILLING TO SERVE?!"

Riker With Beard replies, "Difficult decision. Yes, I can do that."

Picard then tells Wesley to call his mom and tell her that he has Picard's permission to remain on the ship but will ultimately abide by her wishes. Wesley is certain that she'll agree to leave him on the Enterprise. FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

How Rikered Was Riker With Beard?
Extremely! Dude wanted to go to the bar to fetch Doctor Grandma just so he toss a couple back before heading back to work. Later he was fuming in a way that only someone who is completely hammered could be when his fuckbuddy revealed that she was pregnant and later volunteers without reservation to teach Wesley Crusher how to fuck and "be a man" or some shit. I'm not really sure since I was more distracted by the fact that Worf had volunteered to be Wesley's mom.

Final Thoughts
This was a weird fucking episode. There was some good stuff here, mainly the random pile of SPACE PUPPIES and the first appearance of Riker With Beard who is hands down the greatest Star Trek character of them all, and with the appearance of Riker With Beard we got all the accouterments that come with it: chair domination, making every line of dialogue sound horny as fuck, a killer smile. The actual episode sucked but the fact that Riker With Beard was here made it a lot easier to swallow which might be one of the reasons why a lot of real mediocre episodes in season one scanned as much worse than they might otherwise have been if Riker With Beard had been there instead of Riker Sans Beard.

I might be in the minority here but I'm also kind of glad that Whoopi Goldberg's character has finally shown up. She might turn out to be way more problematic than I recall her being, but I was always a fan of the stuff that made the Enterprise feel like a place that people actually lived and worked on (Ten Forward, that blue barber guy, etc.).

Also good was Dealt. Played by "one of those guys that's in everything," Seymour Cassel, Dealt was a welcome addition to the episode and it's unfortunate that he was only a one shot character since he and his mustache were awesome. I would have much rather they kept him as the Dr. Beverly Crusher replacement medic than Doctor Grandma (more about her in a moment). Also unfortunate? The fact that Cassel died earlier this year (on April 7, 2019) of Alzheimer's disease. So this installment of the Fuck Report is dedicated to his memory.

Now on to the non-dead actor related negatives. I hate Doctor Grandma. I don't know if it's just because of the fact that I had a huge crush on Dr. Beverly Crusher and thus resent the existence of Doctor Grandma or if the character itself is awful regardless of my own prejudices but I do not like her and still do not like her after rewatching this episode. I'm tempted to add a "How Much Did Doctor Grandma Piss Me Off" section in these closing notes for the duration of this season, but am pretty certain 90% of the time it will just be "SHE HAD A DUMB 80S GRANDMA PERM AND ISN'T DR. BEVERLY CRUSHER!" if she does something particularly egregious I'll mention it elsewhere otherwise just assume I'm annoyed by her lack of being Dr. Beverly Crusher whenever she appears. Like here for example she was space racist against robots which was weird and not something I remembered about the character as I mentioned early in my report it is entirely possible that this character trait is something that gets glossed over later, but at this point she's a gross space racist.

Fuck Count
I'm of the mind that someone from 1989 time traveled to the present day, saw my complaints about the complete and utter lack of fucking in season one and then went back to their own time and were like, "So this one asshole wants some fucking and is making japes about the horniness of our show? Fine! Let's give him what he wants!" While I do want fucking I'd much rather it be consensual fucking between a space lesbian and a robot or a Commander and a Misandrist Space Prime Minister or whatever. I don't want a weird light to sexually assault a sleeping woman, but that's what we got here and so, though it pains me to do so we begin season two with two individuals fucking, one of them without consent...

Troi: +1
Weird Light/Ian: +1

Total Fucks for Episode: 2
Total Fucks for Season: 2
Total Fucks for Series: 8