Star Trek: The Next Generation - S02E02 - Where Silence Has Lease
Welcome back to yet another installment of the Star Trek Fuck Report. Today we continue our exploration into Season Two with the second episode, Where Silence Has Lease. I don't know what the fuck that even means but I do know that this episode first aired November 28, 1988.
Preexisting Prejudices
All I know about this episode is that it is the source of that one GIF of that guy looking like he's had his dome blown. You know the one...
ThatGuy.gif
Other than that I've no idea what this episode is about or why this guy's lookin' like his dome's about to blow. Let's find out together!
Plot Synopsis
A worried(?) looking Captain Picard enters the bridge. Troi ascertains that he is nervous and asks if he is worried about Worf or Riker With Beard. Picard tells her he is worried about both of them and then says that it might be for the best to "be ignorant of certain elements of Klingon psyche."
Smash cut to a random jungle somewhere. The set design is a lot better than the Styrofoam and smoke machine sound stages of season 1. Don't get me wrong, the smoke machine is still working overtime but it looks a lot less artificial than a lot of the season one non-Enterprise sets. Anyway Riker With Beard and Worf are running through the jungle until Worf finds a power glove and puts it on.
Suddenly he is attacked by an orc. Riker With Beard helps him fight the orc off but a Skeletor shows up and attacks Worf. Both men manage to best their foes but Worf has been driven mad with Klingon bloodlust and goes to attack Riker With Beard with a Skeletor battle axe. Riker With Beard yells at him to cool the fuck down and eventually the two men stare at each other.
Riker With Beard then orders the holodeck to end the program...oh this was all fake. He asks Worf if all his training programs are like this and Worf replies, "No, Commander. Usually my calisthenics are more intense, but those sessions are too personal to be shared." I don't know why, but hearing Worf say the word "calisthenics," was very funny to me.
Worf saves his high score or something and then he and Riker With Beard exit the holodeck. TALK ABOUT A COLD OPEN!
After that good, good Star Trek: The Next Generation theme song we get the requisite Captain's Log. Picard explains that they're going to some random quadrant that has yet to be visited by a manned Federation vessel and while on their way are detailing the charts of the region.
On the bridge Data is doing readings of space and has detected an area of space that is totally black (insert reference to "none more black" from This is Spinal Tap here). He informs Picard that it is completely devoid of space, matter, and energy. Wesley compares it to "a hole in space." Troi meanwhile detects nothing emotional from the hole in space.
Picard, being one curious motherfucker, decides to get a closer look at the Ol' Space Hole and has Wesley inch closer to it. Wesley tells him it will take 12 minutes to get there. Twelve minutes later they arrive at the Space Hole and Picard's like, "Let's launch a probe into it!" Jesus Christ he's such a middle school boy right now. "Hey look at this weird thing! Let's throw a firecracker into it and see what happens!"
Worf launches a probe into the Space Hole and the probe completely vanishes. No one knows what happened but Worf freaks the fuck out and is like, "WE SHOULD GO TO YELLOW ALERT!!" Picard's a bit confused by this and tells him to explain.
Worf eventually explains that he was thinking of an old Klingon legend about "a gigantic black space creature which was said to devour entire vessels." Riker With Beard mocks him for being an idiot and Picard has Worf launch a bigger, nastier probe into the Space Hole.
Again the probe vanishes without a trace. Worf wants to fire a photon torpedo, but Picard tells him no. Wesley suggests moving a bit closer. Picard is a bit more receptive to this idea and has Wesley move closer. They get closer and the Space Hole suddenly moves, engulfing the Enterprise.
As we head to commercial break, Picard tries to contact other parts of the ship but there's no response. Cue dramatic music sting!
During the commercial break the crew was able to reestablish communications with other parts of the ship and Riker With Beard informs us that doesn't appear to be any immediate threat to the ship or crew. Picard is still curious as fuck even though his ship just got swallowed by a Space Hole declaring it to be "worth studying."
He and Riker With Beard then mock Age of Exploration era guys for being afraid of falling off the edge of the Earth which I think even in our own lifetime is something that's come to be seen as something of an exaggeration (the old timey explorers worrying about "There be dragons" and hanging their captains if they refused to turn a ship around bit), but in the Next Generation, erudite space captains still believe this hogwash.
Doctor Grandma then shows up on the bridge for some reason as Picard has Data scan the Space Hole. Picard has Data increase the magnification of his scan but it reveals nothing. Doctor Grandma then has Data increase the power of the magnification to a ludicrous degree before dropping some casual space racism against robots asking, "It [Data] does know how to do these things, doesn't it?" when Data's scans fail to provide any results.
Picard tells her that Data knows what the fuck he's doing and Doctor Grandma asks Data to forgive her since she's not used to "working with non-living devices." She is immediately forced to apologize again since his service record says that he is alive and that she "must accept that." That's right boys and girls, Doctor Grandma is that boomer aunt you blocked on Facebook.
Picard calls down to Engineering to see how things are going with Geordi. Geordi tells him that everything is going great. Data and Doctor Grandma then start having a conversation that really requires a wizard bong when they start speculating whether or not a lack of dimension constitutes another dimension. Picard not wanting them to hot box the bridge cuts them off before they can get into it and tells Riker With Beard that they should get out of there and have Starfleet send a science vessel to investigate later.
Riker With Beard orders Wesley to set course for their original destination which Wesley does. They then blast off to adventure but after a [UNIT OF TIME] Riker With Beard asks Wesley if he actually activated the engines since they do not appear to have moved at all. Wesley tells him that they have. Picard then checks whether they have moved at all. Their instruments indicate that they have traveled but nothing appears to have changed.
The crew drops a stationary beacon to attempt to measure how far they travel and again blast off to adventure. The pings of the beacon gradually grow fainter until suddenly they begin to grow louder. The Enterprise is approaching them as if they had just gone in a circle. Wesley says that it is impossible since they were moving in a straight line away from the beacon. Picard orders a full stop.
They detect a disturbance nearby and Worf determines its a spaceship with a cloaking device. GODDAMN ROMULANS! Riker With Beard orders the shields to be put up and the ship to go to Red Alert as Doctor Grandma fucks off. Riker With Beard has Worf arm the photon torpedoes. Picard tells him to hold for his orders.
The Romulan ship then decloaks and shoots some beams at the Enterprise. DIRECT HIT! They detect that the Romulan ship is preparing to fire again so Picard orders Worf to fire torpedoes. He does and a single torpedo blows the Romulan ship to smithereens.
"Oh, that was too easy," opines Picard.
Data tells him that sensors are unable to detect any debris from the Romulan ship. Riker With Beard says that that is impossible, but before they have a chance to discuss this impossibility further another ship is detected. Picard has Worf magnify the ship and put it on screen.
"It's the Yamato," says Riker With Beard, "our sister ship."
They hail the Yamato but get no response. Scans of the ship also detect that while the ship is in working order there do not appear to be any signs of life aboard. Riker With Beard asks to go over with an away team to investigate. Picard agrees but tells him to keep it small. Riker With Beard picks Worf and the two head to the teleportation chamber as we head to commercials.
Back from break, Worf and Riker head to the teleportation chamber. They have O'Brien beam them over to the Yamato's bridge, but once they are sent over they are separated and not on the bridge. Riker With Beard hears a scream and rushes to it to find Worf running towards him with his laser gun drawn. Both man claims that they heard the other screaming in agony. Some top shelf 1980s horror movie music ("Tshh tshh tshh tshh haaa haa haaa haaa...") going on here.
Riker With Beard attempts to contact the Enterprise, but his cellphone reception is shit. Picard tells O'Brien to beam the away team back immediately but O'Brien says that he can't get a lock on them. The lights on the Enterprise suddenly dim as the ship goes to emergency power. Picard orders a full check on all systems to attempt to figure out what the fuck is going on.
Back on the Yamato, Riker With Beard ascertains that the ship they are on isn't a Federation ship since the walls are made of a material more advanced than tritanium. He and Worf head to the bridge. They walk through a door labeled "TURBOLIFT!!!!" and emerge directly on a bridge.
Riker With Beard is like, "This is weird as fuck, the bridge should be four decks above us."
They open the TURBOLIFT!!!! door again but instead find another bridge. They lose their goddamn minds over this but decide to walk through the door from the bridge onto the bridge. When they emerge on the bridge they wonder if it's a different bridge or the one that they were just on. I don't give a fuck. This episode is dumb.
Back on the Enterprise everything has come back online. ThatGuy.gif is now on the bridge and he informs Picard that there's a hole in the Space Hole and he can see stars now and that he can get the Enterprise out of the Space Hole. Picard calls down to the teleportation chamber and asks O'Brien if he can beam Worf and Riker With Beard back. He cannot.
"Damn," says Captain Picard.
Back on the Yamato, Worf loses his shit over Pac-Man Physics and starts screaming some shit about "ONE RIKER! ONE BRIDGE!" before he begins tearing a door apart and grunting oaths in Klingon. Riker With Beard tells him to cool the fuck out and Worf starts muttering "at ease," to himself.
Meanwhile on the Enterprise, ThatGuy.gif tells Picard that the hole in the Space Hole is fading. Picard tells Data to lock a tractor beam onto the Yamato so they can pull the ship out with them. Data tells him that he can't. ThatGuy.gif is like, "WE can still get out!" oblivious to the fact that Worf and Riker With Beard are regular characters that can't be sacrificed and he's just ThatGuy.gif, a guy famous for a GIF of his comical death. Picard tells him to let it go [CUE MY DAUGHTER BELLOW-SINGING FROZEN'S "LET IT GO"].
O'Brien calls up to inform Picard that he's reestablished contact with the away team. Picard tells him to beam them back up posthaste, but the Yamato begins to fade from existence. He manages to get Worf and Riker With Beard back onto the Enterprise just as the Yamato fades out.
As the hole in the Space Hole vanishes completely a fuming Riker With Beard storms onto the bridge screaming, "HELL!" a bunch and declaring that he's "had it," and wants to "figure out what's going on and get the HELL out of here!" PRODUCTS!
Back from break there's another hole in the Space Hole. ThatGuy.gif is like, "Hot diggity damn another hole!" Riker With Beard has him head towards it, but as they approach the hole vanishes. Another hole appears but as they approach that one it too vanishes. Another one opens up but Picard orders the ship to stop.
Picard talks to Troi about whether or not she senses anything emotional in the Space Hole. She tells him that at first she didn't but now she thinks there could be an intelligence so vast that it eluded her. Doctor Grandma however thinks that they're being treated like "rats in a maze." No one except Troi understands what the fuck she's talking about for some reason so she explains a real basic scientific experiment to them.
Another hole opens, this one closer to the Enterprise than the others. Picard is fed up of being "led about this way," and tells ThatGuy.gif to hold position. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! A BIG DUMB FACE JUST SHOWED UP IN SPACE! THIS FUCKING FACE!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
The big fucking face is like, "Why are you so alarmed when I've gone to such trouble to look just like you?" HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! JUST LIKE US?! LOOK AT THAT FUCKING FACE!
Data says that sensors aren't detecting anything and Geordi says what we're all thinking, declaring, "Sure is a damned ugly nothing."
Picard greets it and asks it to identify itself. It tells them that its name is Nagillum (that's Mulligan backwards). Nagillum (that's Mulligan backwards) knows all their names and tells Data that his construction is different from the others. It then whips Doctor Grandma around like a marionette and tells her that her construction is also different.
Doctor Grandma doesn't understand but Data theorizes that Nagillum (that's Mulligan backwards) might be referring to Doctor Grandma's gender. Doctor Grandma tells Nagillum (that's Mulligan backwards) that she is a female. Picard then explains that males and females are how they propagate their species. Nagillum (that's Mulligan backwards), clearly a fan of the Star Trek Fuck Report implores them to "demonstrate how this is accomplished," but Doctor Grandma doesn't want to fuck.
Since they aren't going to fuck, Nagillum (that's Mulligan backwards) asks the crew about their limited existence. Picard doesn't understand so Nagillum (that's Mulligan backwards) explains that it's talkin' 'bout death. Nagillum (that's Mulligan backwards) then does the deed and we get ThatGuy.gif in all his eye bugging glory!
RIP ThatGuy.gif
Doctor Grandma goes to help him but ThatGuy.gif is already dead. Nagillum (that's Mulligan backwards) thinks this is interesting but Picard vows to fight Nagillum (that's Mulligan backwards) and avenge ThatGuy.gif's death.
Nagillum (that's Mulligan backwards) doesn't seem too bothered by this and explains that in order to understand death it is going to have to kill "a third...maybe a half" of the Enterprise's crew in order to understand "every kind of dying." No one on the bridge can believe this shit! COMMERCIALS!
We return from break to see the crew having a staff meeting. Worf is of the mind that a casualty rate of 50% is within the acceptable limits for a battle but Doctor Grandma is disgusted with this. They rap about whether or not there is anything they could do to prevent Nagillum (that's Mulligan backwards) from killing half of them. Data opines, "I do not believe there is anything you can do to prevent it," but Picard says that there is something they can do, "DESTROY THE ENTERPRISE!"
Doctor Grandma is flummoxed by this idea but Riker With Beard is like, "It's better than standing around helplessly." Doctor Grandma groans that she has a "feeling this was not the time to join this ship."
Riker With Beard and Picard go down to the Self-Destruct Room last seen in that episode where the Binars steal the Enterprise to download a shit ton of torrented anime and porn from their central computer or something. Picard and Riker With Beard start up the self-destruct sequence and then wax philosophic over how long it takes to prepare for death when the computer asks them for the desired time interval. They ultimately decide on twenty minutes, a "nice round figure," and then head off to await death.
Some time later in Picard's quarters we find our captain listening to "Gymnopodie No. 1," when there's a knock at his door. Troi comes in and tells him that blowing themselves up won't change Nagillum (that's Mulligan backwards) mind. Picard asks her why she couldn't sense that earlier but she says that she should have told him earlier.
There is another knock and this time Data comes in. Data asks him what death is, so Picard gets out the wizard bong, sparks it up and gives a dorm room at 3:29 am treatise on the differing schools of thought as to what death represents.
Troi tells him, "We should not let ourselves die, Jean-Luc," and Data agrees with her, also calling him Jean-Luc. This causes Picard to figure out that both are merely Nagillum (that's Mulligan backwards) in disguise trying to trick him into aborting the self-destruction sequence. Picard asks the computer for Data's location and learns that he's on the bridge, confirming that the Data in his quarters is an impostor.
"It's not going to work Nagillum (that's Mulligan backwards)," says Picard causing Data and Troi to vanish.
Data then phones to inform Picard that they are no longer in the space hold. Riker With Beard adds that they can cancel the self-destruct order, but Picard tells him to hold. He then goes out to the bridge to make sure if they are really out of the Space Hole or if it's just another illusion (I guess he also watched Spider-Man: Far From Home over the weekend).
Picard tells Wesley Crusher to haul ass to wherever at warp six as the computer counts down to self-destruction. Data confirms that the ship is heading toward the destination Wesley set at warp six. Troi adds that she no longer sense Nagillum (that's Mulligan backwards).
The clock continues to tick down. At ten seconds Picard orders the computer to cancel the auto-destruct sequence. The computer then asks Riker With Beard if he concurs.
Riker With Beard bellows, "Yes! Absolutely! I do indeed concur wholeheartedly!"
The computer cancels the self-destruction and everyone is relieved. Picard tells Riker With Beard, "A simple yes would have sufficed, Number One," but Riker With Beard says he want there to be any chance of a misunderstanding.
Picard heads to his office. As he enters Wesley says, "He sure held that bluff to the last second didn't he sir?" but Riker With Beard isn't so sure Picard was bluffing.
Meanwhile in Picard's office the Captain proclaims, "Well Nagillum (that's Mulligan backwards) I hope you got what you needed." Nagillum (that's Mulligan backwards) appears on a monitor and informs Picard that it got much more than it needed and released them because it learned all it needed to know. It then asks Picard if he would like to hear some of his conclusions.
Picard tells Nagillum (that's Mulligan backwards) that he's not interested but Nagillum (that's Mulligan backwards) tells him anyway, informing Picard that humans are never at peace and thrive on conflict. Nagillum (that's Mulligan backwards) continues cutting a heel promo on humans telling Picard how shitty they are and that it's amazing that they survived. It then concludes that "as species, we have no common ground."
Picard says that Nagillum (that's Mulligan backwards) is wrong since they have one trait in common: curiosity. Nagillum (that's Mulligan backwards) says that Picard is correct and then Picard tells it that perhaps they will meet again some day out in the stars.
Back out on the bridge Picard tells Wesley Crusher to put them back on course and as Wesley does so Riker With Beard adds, "if you encounter any holes, steer clear."
How Rikered Was Riker With Beard?
Off the fucking charts. He was ready to throw down on Worf for no reason and got super frustrated by the crew's inability to immediately figure out how to escape the trap set by Nagillum (that's Mulligan backwards) and then was ready to blow up the Enterprise without Picard explaining that it was a ploy (and then later admitting to not even thinking it was some sort of Picard trick). Dude was fucking hammered!
Final Thoughts
While there are certainly episodes I've seen up to this point that were worse than this one, none had a higher percentage of complete and utter bullshit. I really have no idea what they were even going for with this episode. The cold open seemingly had nothing to do with anything else in the episode. I wonder if the Worf vs. Riker With Beard subplot here is going to be an overarching plotline that comes back up in later episodes or if they just needed some stuff to pad out the episode and someone was like "What if Worf sometimes goes into a berserker frenzy and Riker With Beard has to yell at him to calm him down in a couple scenes?"
The main plot was another, "The Enterprise gets trapped in a weird place by an uncaring all powerful entity," episode so it wasn't really covering any new ground there and Picard's "Might as well blow up the ship," gambit didn't really seem to have any reason to work (other than the fact that the ship needed to come back in the following episode). Plus as I mentioned in the How Rikered was Riker With Beard section, Riker With Beard more or less admitted that he thought the Captain just wanted to blow up the ship and went along with it anyway. I've also got some serious questions about an all knowing, all powerful being that could read everyone's minds and yet still thought it needed to do random-ass murder experiments to figure out about death and how humans fuck (but more about that below).
I take back what I said earlier. All things considered this episode sucked all kinds of ass.
Fuck Count
Nagillum (that's Mulligan backwards) is clearly a fan of the Star Trek Fuck Report as he wanted to see the bridge crew fuckin' after he learned that there were men and women and that these differences in gender were the means by which the human species propagated. Unfortunately Doctor Grandma was not down to get boned by anyone and so we were deprived of any fucking at all, not that I have any strong desire to see Doctor Grandma fucking for the edification of a weird blue space baby head, but I'd rather write +2 than 0 in the Total Fucks for Episode column...
Total Fucks for Episode: 0
Total Fucks for Season: 2
Total Fucks for Series: 8
