Star Trek: TNG - An In-Depth Analysis of Who Boned the Most

This is exactly why a DS9 Fuck Report seems like less fun than a TNG one. TNG is almost gleefully juvenile in the way it deals with horniness which is what makes this series such a delight. DS9 is in almost every measurable respect a better show (albeit I prefer TNG overall), but it's also a substantially more serious show and that drains a lot of the entertainment value from Fuck Reportage. 

When I inevitably publish my findings as a book that comic panel is going to be the cover.

I feel like a lot of things on the holodeck are definitely replicated. Like anything consumable or inanimate objects that can be carried or worked on by the users are basically a replication. We see this too with things like the costumes which are often used to show that characters were in the holodeck. The characters probably wear the costumes out of the holodeck and throw them back in a replicator when they are done. I feel like there's even been an episode or two where characters bring things out of the holodeck as souvenirs. 

Star Trek: The Next Generation - S02E04 - The Outrageous Okona

Welcome back to the Star Trek Fuck Report, the leading authority in Star Trek related sexual research. Today we continue our investigation into the amorous activities of the crew of the USS Enterprise by looking at the fourth episode of season two, The Outrageous Okona, which first aired on December 12, 1988.

Preexisting Prejudices
I think this is the one where Data tries to learn comedy from a holodeck rendering of a Borscht Belt comic which is a shitty plot but it feels more like a b-plot and whatever the main plot was it wasn't memorable enough for me to remember anything about it.

Plot Synopsis
Picard drops a Captain's Log informing us that they are traveling in some random-ass system "traversing between the twin planets that form the Coalition of Funky Cold Medina." The two planets were colonized by a humanoid race 200 years back and now coexist under a tenuous treaty.

We check in with the bridge where Worf has detected an unidentified vessel. They scan it and find that it's an inerplanetary cargo ship with one humanoid on board. It's lightly armed and it appears that the guidance system is malfunctioning so the pilot is manually piloting the craft.

As the ship approaches they open hailing frequencies. Picard introduces himself as an ass appears on the big TV phone on the bridge. The owner of the ass says that he is Captain Okona of the cargo carrier Erstwhile, but it quickly becomes apparent that this motherfucker is none other than Han Solo. Dude's smuggler in a vest that Troi declares to be, "mischievous, irreverent and somewhat brazen." She then adds that, "the word that seems to best describe him is rogue." Like I said, Han Motherfuckin' Solo.

Picard explains to him what the issue with his ship is and Han Solo asks if they would mind helping him out. Wesley Crusher says that it would easy to repair Han Solo's ship so they agree to lock a tractor beam onto his ship and beam him aboard the Enterprise to make the repairs.

Worf recommends limiting Solo's access to the ship and Picard agrees. They lock a tractor beam onto Han Solo's ship and then Picard calls down to the Teleportation Overlord and tell them to prepare to beam Solo aboard. O'Brien must have the day off because a woman's voice replies that she's ready on his command.

Solo is like "Ho shit! Was that a woman's voice?!"

Picard tells him that it is and then tells him to follow Riker With Beard's instructions so their ship "can get back to its normal routine." Riker With Beard starts laughing and Picard's like, "The fuck you laughing at?" Riker With Beard tells him that "unexpected is our normal routine," before he fucks off to the teleportation room after telling Han Solo to turn off his engines.

After that good, good theme song we see what's going on down in the teleportation chamber. Riker, Data, Worf, Wesley Crusher and Teleportation Overlord Teri Hatcher are down awaiting Han Solo's arrival. He appears in his vest and shit and Worf demands he hand over his weapons.

"A Klingon security officer? No wars available?" he asks Worf as he hands over guns. Worf holds out his hand for the rest of Han Solo's weapons and Han Solo pulls a knife from his boot and gives it to Worf declaring it to be "more of a piece of jewelry than a weapon."

Riker With Beard welcomes him to the ship and asks him to hand the broken part of his ship over to Data so they can make the repairs. Solo tells him that he's happy to do the work himself and declares himself to be "the hands-on type."

Riker With Beard tells him that the tools they use on the Enterprise might be beyond Solo's ken. Solo is like, "I can believe that," and then asks to watch the repairs. Riker With Beard tells him that that could be arranged and so Solo gives the broken spaceship chunk to Wesley, assuming that he is Commander Data.

Wesley tells him that he isn't Data so Solo asks him his name. Wesley tells him, "Wesley. Wesley Crusher," so Han Solo does the classic Dad Joke® move of replying "Nice to meet you Wesley Wesley Crusher," before turning his attention to Teri Hatcher's character and macking it to her.

She does not seem all that impressed at first by his cheesy pickup lines but by the end of the scene she's giving him her room number while Riker With Beard praises him for having "excellent vision as well as a healthy libido." NOW THIS IS THE GODDAMN HORNINESS I'VE BEEN LOOKING FOR IN THIS GODDAMN SHOW!

Out in the hall Han Solo declares, "NOW THAT'S SEX APPEAL!" Data tells him that "sexual attraction in this context is not part of my programming," prompting Solo to ask him if he's seen "any good looking computers lately." Data looks at him in confusion so Solo tells him that it was a joke and that it's funny.

Down in engineering, Geordi is working on Solo's spaceship chunk. He tells Solo that the new chunk will outlast Solo's ship. Solo asks if it's because the part is so good or because of the way he flies his ship. Geordi tells him more the former than the latter but does say that Solo pushes his "ship a little beyond its design capabilities."

Solo says that because his life as a cargo hauler is a bit dull he is "forced to add a measure of flamboyancy and a zest to the doldrums of [his] existence."

Later, out in the hallway, Solo asks Data if he's ever been cold or hot. Data tells him that he has not. Solo then asks if he's ever been drunk. Data tells him that he's never been drunk and specifies from alcohol (did he get "drunk" in the fuck plague episode I can't recall).

Solo then asks about love. Data asks if he means the act of fuckin' or the emotion of love. Solo says that they are the same but Data doesn't think he's write. Solo then tells some "joke" about canaries flying in a spaceship that Data takes literally. Solo tells him that he was telling a joke and then asks if he knows what a joke is.

Data gives a dictionary definition of a joke but Solo is like, "I'm talking about humor. Fun. Do you know what funny is?"

Data doesn't seem to so Solo asks where 806 is and Data points it out and asks why. Solo tells him that Data "probably wouldn't understand that either," as the door opens and reveals Teri Hatcher in some space lingerie. She greets him as Solo enters and we head to commercial break.

WOOOO! Some more fucking! Congratulations Han Solo and Teri Hatcher's Character you have joined the annals of history alongside Riker Without Beard, Misandrist Space Prime Minister, and Weird Space Light as characters who have fucked on Star Trek.

Down in engineering Wesley Wesley Crusher asks Riker With Beard what he thinks of Han Solo. Riker With Beard tells him that Solo is an interesting man who knows how to handle his ship and "knows how to handle people as well."

Wesley Wesley Crusher then asks Riker With Beard why Solo works alone. Riker With Beard tells him because it's right there in his name...Solo and then tells Wesley that he's a man who lives by his own rules and does what he does by his own choice and someday Wesley Wesley Crusher will have to make his own choice.

"I already have," says Wesley Wesley Crusher with an annoyingly smug look on his dumb face. Fuck I hate Wesley Wesley Crusher so much!

Later in Ten Forward, Data is talking to Whoopi Goldberg about whether or not he is missing an "important human factor." She tells him that she's never seen him laugh (probably on account of being in a grand total of two episodes at this point and never interacting with Data prior to this scene). She asks him if he knows what a joke is and again Data busts out the dictionary definition but is cut off by Whoopi Goldberg who tells him, "You're a droid and I'm annoyed."

Data's like, "Oh shit did I say something to offend you?"

She tells him that he did not and then repeats the "You're a droid and I'm annoyed," line. Data then is like, "Oh, not annoyed a 'noid as in humanoid. You told a joke. I am not laughing. Perhaps the joke was not funny." Whoopi Goldberg tells him that the joke was funny and it's all on Data. I didn't laugh either Whoopi so maybe it's just a shit joke!

Data asks what he should do and Whoopi Goldberg tells him that under normal circumstances she'd tell him to "seek a higher power," but in Data's case "a smarter computer" is probably the order of the day.

Later outside the Holodeck, Data asks Computer to tell him more about humor, "why certain combinations of words and actions make humans laugh." Computer tells him that it's a pretty broad question and asks him to specify. Does he want "physical humor, cerebral, or general raconteur?" Data asks for the performer considered funniest out of every comedian ever in the history of the universe.

According to Computer that person is one Stan Orega, a 23rd century comic who "specialized in jokes about quantum mathematics." Data rules this to be "too esoteric," and requests something more generic. Computer pulls up a list of names and Data picks one.

He then enters the holodeck which looks like a shitty comedy club. There's a comic on stage. Fuck it's Joe Piscopo. I hate this fucking guy...

Data asks him to teach him what is funny. Joe Piscopo tells him, "It's a matter of opinion, I guess. Tip O'Neill in a dress? Some people say words that end with a K are funny. A briefcase that looks like a fish. Personally I find that hysterical." This fucking sucks. A super dated reference to an American politician, "lol queerness," and stuff that not even a small child would find amusing. I hate when non-comedy shows try to be funny. It never works.

Joe Piscopo does a shit Jerry Lewis impression. This is very childish and embarrassing. I had to stop watching for a bit due to how cringey it was. Eventually they stop this bullshit and Data concludes that, "if you put funny teeth in your mouth and jump around like an idiot, that is considered funny."

Joe Piscopo asks him if he's considered taking up "juggling, weird bird calls? Stuff like that?" but Data tells him that he needs to learn how to be funny so he can involve himself in the laughter of others. Joe Piscopo thinks that Data's goal is nice and decides that maybe slapstick bullshit isn't for him and instead he should try some jokes.

Joe Piscopo says that telling jokes is "not [his] forte," but he beings to teach Data "the classics." Data watches him perform and continuously speeds up his performance, saving all of us from having to hear a bunch of hacky jokes from the 1960s.

Later at Ten Forward, a cigar champing Data is telling that shitty joke where a patient asks a doctor for a second opinion and the doctor tells him that he's ugly too. Whoopi Goldberg tells him that he "spoiled the joke," which I don't think is possible on account of it being a shitty joke to begin with. She, however, is a bit nicer and says that perhaps it could have been because of Data's timing.

Data deadpans, "My timing is digital," which causes Whoopi Goldberg to laugh. He asks her what she's laughing about and she tell him that what he just said was funny, but that it would take to long to explain why when Data wants to know the reason. She tells him to tell her another joke and Data begins on another hackneyed joke but we are thankful spared from having to hear it by Picard summoning him to the bridge.

He promises to return later and Whoopi Goldberg tells him to "bring new jokes."

One the bridge an unidentified ship approaches the Enterprise. The Enterprise opens hailing frequencies but gets no response. Worf tells them that the ship is locking lasers on the Enterprise.

"LASERS?!" exclaims a completely poleaxed Riker With Beard.

Picard explains that lasers couldn't even penetrate the ship's "navigation shields," which means I've been wrong all this time about the phasers and lasers being the same thing since here they seem to be implying that attacking the Enterprise with lasers is the Next Generation equivalent of someone attempting to shoot up a shopping center in America in 2019 with a blunderbuss.

Riker With Beard tells him that "regulations call for a yellow alert," and Picard tells him that it's, "a very old regulation," but to go ahead and make it so. He then tells him to reduce speed and drop the main shields as well in case they decide to surrender to them.

We return from break and the Captain of the cute little ship with it's lasers locked on the Enterprise hails them. The Captain introduces himself as Debin and scolds the Enterprise for being in their territory and tells them to prepare to be boarded.

"Shades of Gulliver's Travels," jokes Riker With Beard, "He actually meant it..."

Now if Debin's being truthful here and the Enterprise had no rights to enter the particular system they are in Riker With Beard's jape and everything the Enterprise had done up to this point in the episode, makes him and the crew seem like a bunch of imperialist assholes to whom might makes right which seems to fly in the face of what this show is supposed to be about.

Picard asks Debin why he's locked his weapons on the Enterprise and Debin replies that the Enterprise is towing the ship of a known criminal wanted on Atlec. Picard says that Han Solo was in trouble and Picard had an obligation to offer assistance. Debin gives zero shits and demands Picard turn Solo over. Picard asks Debin what crimes Solo stands accused of but Debin will not say.

A second ship approaches the Enterprise, also armed with lasers. Riker With Beard asks if it is another ship from Atlec, but Data says that it appears to be a "security vessel from the planet Straleb." They open hailing frequencies with the second vessel and a man who introduces himself as Kushell appears. He too demands that Picard turn over Han Solo to be punished from crimes committed, this time on the planet Straleb.

Picard summons Han Solo and tells Kushell that the dude from Atlec has also made the same demand of him and that he doesn't want to escalate the situation. Kushell tells him that his "honor and prestige are at stake," and goes so far as to say that they are prepared to die in order to get Solo. Picard tells them he hopes that it doesn't come to that and promises to respond to their request shortly.

After Picard hangs up his TV Space Phone, Worf tells him that Solo has not responded and that "he's been reported in three different crew quarters."

Picard sends Worf to go find him and as Worf marches through the halls of the Enterprise some real, "Shit's about to pop off" music plays. Worf barges in on Solo post-fuck as he's making out with some random female crew member of the Enterprise.

Worf tells Solo that he'll come with him to the bridge..."NOW!" Solo tries to get into Worf's face and Worf tells him that he'd love to fuck him up in the octagon or some shit but can't because he has his orders. Solo tells the late 80s babe to "remember what it took to drag me from your arms."

Moments later in the TURBOLIFT Solo asks Worf if he's going to get to meet Captain Picard. Worf laughs at him and tells him, "Definitely," leaving Solo to wonder if he said something funny.

On the bridge, Worf introduces Han Solo to Captain Picard. Picard tells him that when he allowed him to come aboard he did not conduct and "undue investigation" because "it was assumed that [he] did not come under false pretenses," but it now appears that that is precisely what he did.

Solo asks if this is about fucking half the crew of the Enterprise. Picard tells him that it is not and that he is free to fuck whoever he wants on the Enterprise. What Picard is talking about is Debin. Solo tells Picard that Debin is from Atlec and that he has "had dealings with some of his family."

Picard asks him to explain why Debin is threatening to laser the Enterprise unless Picard hands over Solo to him. Solo tells him that he cannot and so Picard asks Solo why "Kushell of the planet Straleb is demanding the same thing."

Solo seems surprised that Kushell is also there. Picard asks him what crimes he is accused of but Solo is adamant that he is not a criminal. Picard gets fed up with this shit and has Worf call one of the ships. "The first one! Captain Debin!" he replies annoyedly when Worf asks which ship.

Picard asks Debin once again what Solo's crimes are but Debin says that it is not Picard's concern. Picard tells him that if he wants him to release Solo to his custody it is and so Debin brings out a pregnant young woman and tells Picard, "He dishonored my daughter. He took advantage of her, then he ran off and left her carrying his bastard child. He'll return, and he'll do the right thing or I'll hunt him to the ends of the galaxy!" PRODUCTS!!!

Back from break Picard drops a Captain's Log about a mysterious "ancient morality play," and how one of Han Solo's "pursuers is an outraged father with a heartfelt, if arcane, sense of righteousness."

Back on the bridge, Picard asks Troi's opinion. She tells him that while Debin's ideas about his daughter's honor might seem meaningless to the crew of the Enterprise, "he will fight, risking himself, his crew, his daughter, and her unborn child," to defend his and her honor.

Worf informs the captain that the other ship is demanding to be heard as well. Picard asks Solo again if he has any idea what Kushell wants but Solo just sighs and shakes his head. Picard, having had quite enough of this shit, has Worf put everyone on the TV phone on conference call to sort this shit all out. Debin and Kushell start yelling at each other and Picard cuts them off and asks Kushell what crime Solo is accused of.

Kushell tells him that, "He is a thief. He stole the Jewel of Thesia, a national treasure." Debin's like, "Pshaw! A thing! This scumfuck fucked my daughter!" Solo asks Kushell who accuses him of stealing and Kushell replies, "I do! My son, Benzan and I!"

Kushell's son, a dweeb in a leather bomber jacket is like, "Father please..." but his dad is like, "SON! HE USED YOU TO GET TO ME!" This prompts another argument between Kushell and Debin if using a son to steal a jewel is worse than raw dogging it with a princess or something. Picard is sick of their shit and hangs up on both of them and then tells Solo to come with him.

In Picard's office Picard and Solo talk about the situation. Solo apologizes for getting Picard wrapped up in all this bullshit and tells him that no matter what Picard decides to do people are going to get hurt. If he hands Solo over to Kushell, Debin will go to war and if he gives him to Debin, Kushell will be on the warpath.

He tells Picard that he isn't going to apologize for being a rogue but wants Picard to know that he did not steal the jewel and with regards to the "other business, that's between [him] and Yanar, no one else."

Picard tells him that he does not have the authority to act in this matter as either a judge or an arbitrator but because Solo is in his custody he's got a bit of a dilemma. Solo tells him to just do what he was going to do all along: help him fix his ship and then let him leave.

Picard tells him that that is his only course of action under Starfleet regulations but reminds Solo that Kushell and Debin's ships are faster than his so letting him go wouldn't be doing him any favors. Solo tells him that he can take care of himself.

Later in engineering, Solo asks Geordi how long it will take for him to finish the repairs on his space chunk. Geordi asks him, "What's the rush? I thought you liked it here."

Solo tells him that he did like it there but "It stopped liking me. Time to disappear."

Wesley Crusher asks him where he will go and Solo replies, "A new place...if I make it." Wesley wants to know if he ever stays anywhere. Solo tells him that he doesn't stay in one place very long. Wesley tells him that he couldn't live that way; always being alone. He says that it would be hard to leave his friends and loved ones like that so often, Solo tells him, "I seem to have a way of using up a place," but Wesley wasn't talking about a place. Solo tells him that he knows what he is talking about and then after Geordi hands him the completely repaired space chunk is like, "What's the rush? I have some friends around here. I think it's time to take a stand."

After another ad break Solo goes back to the bridge and tells Picard that he has decided to turn himself in. Picard then summons both parties to meet on the Enterprise so they can discuss this situation face to face since space phone partylines suck all kinds of ass. Riker With Beard tells them to leave their weapons behind and then everyone prepares for the most exciting part of space travel. PEER MEDIATION!

Some time later, Debin and Kushell beam aboard with their kids and Teri Hatcher tells Worf that they don't have any weapons, so Worf brings them to a "conference room."

The "conference room" in question looks more like a living room or an airport waiting area since it's just a bunch of random chairs. No big-ass table or whiteboard or anything here! Debin and Kushell scold Solo for being a shameless cad and then start demanding Picard hands Solo over to each of them.

Solo's like, "Everyone is talking about me, and no one is talking to me!"

He says that he's been accused of thievery and fuckery and stands to be punished for one of the two crimes. As the punishment for theft is prison or death or some shit, and the punishment for knocking up Yanar is marrying Yanar he will choose the later.

Kushell's leather bomber jacket son, Benzan's like, "NOOOOOOOOOOOO! You can't!" and his dad is like, "That's right! You can't escape prison or death or some shit by marrying that Mon Mothma looking motherfucker!" That is not what Benzan in the leather bomber jacket meant though.

Debin tells everyone that since he has been dishonored he will decided but his daughter's like, "Since everyone thinks Han Solo and I fucked I will totally marry him." Again Benzan, the leather bomber jacket son of Kushell, is like "NO!!!!!!"

Kushell is like, "This resolves nothing! Han Solo is still a thief!" This prompts his son, Benzan (the dweeb in a leather bomber jacket) to say that Solo didn't steal anything. He confesses to giving the jewel to Solo to give to Yanar as a "pledge of marriage." He then admits that he was the one who raw dogged it with Yanar and got her in a family way.

Debin's like, "WTF Yanar?! You said you and Han Solo fucked!"

Yanar tells him that if she'd told him the truth he'd have gone to war with Kushell. Benzan of the leather bomber jacket then tells his dad that if he had told him why he was taking the jewel he would have been disowned, so he let him think that Han Solo stole it since he didn't think he would have been able to catch him and once Solo delivered the jewel to Yanar the marriage would have been official and there would have been nothing Kushell could have done.

Yanar says she never got the jewel and Solo says that this entire episode went down before he had a chance to deliver it. Yanar's then like, "It's too late! I won't marry Benzan!" Her dad is like, "Then you'll marry Han Solo!" but she's like "Fuck that! I'm not marrying anyone!"

Meanwhile outside the holodeck Data and Whoopi Goldberg summon Chucklefuck's Laugh Shack back up and enter. Whoopi hopes that Data has some new jokes as they enter.

Data tells Joe Piscopo that he told a joke and no one laughed. Joe Piscopo's like, "Nobody in the whole room?" to which Whoopi Goldberg replies that she was the entire room and that Data killed the joke he told.

Joe Piscopo tells him that he always should road-test new material with an audience. Whoopi Goldberg agrees with this and Data summons a roomful of late 80s stand-up comedy fans. Remember those "What's the deal with hotel soap?" intro parts of Seinfeld? The audience here looks just like the audience in those into parts.

Back in the "conference room," Han Solo tries to convince Yanar to marry Benzan. He tells her that he knows they both love each other and he doesn't want to see her "throw away that feeling just because your parents have been quarreling and for years and don't know how to behave properly."

Yanar admits that he is right and the she and Benzan confess their love for each other and agree to get married. This leads to Debin and Kushell arguing about wedding arrangements and where the couple will live. Picard tells them that since this issue no longer involves him he is going to leave as he has business to attend to.

Back on the holodeck, Data prepares to deliver a set at the comedy club. Joe Piscopo warms up the crowd and has them give it up for the headliner, Data. A cigar wielding Data, dressed in a tuxedo, comes on stage and starts delivering shitty jokes that the crowd is dying over. Eventually Data realizes that the crowd has been programmed to laugh at everything he says or does regardless of whether or not it's funny so he shuts them off and dismisses Holographic Joe Piscopo too.

Data wonders if he should reprogram the audience to give a more accurate response to his jokes. Whoopi Goldberg stops him and tells him that making people laugh or being able to laugh "is not the end all and be all of being human." Data responds that she is correct "but there is nothing more uniquely human."

This scene confuses me because if Data is able to program a computer program to more accurately respond to human humor couldn't he just do the same thing to himself since he's a robot? PLOT HOLES! WE GOT 'EM!

Later on the bridge, after having resolved the situation between Han Solo and the two feuding planets and repaired his ship, the Enterprise releases the tractor beam and says their goodbyes to Han Solo. Wesley Crusher tells Data to, "Say goodbye Data," which leads to Data saying, "Goodbye Data." This causes the bridge to laugh because in the Next Generation people's senses of humor have atrophied.

Data continues to make shitty jokes ("Take my Worf...please!") leading Riker With Beard to beg to go to warp speed, though I'm not sure how that will help in this situation since Data will still be on the bridge telling terrible jokes. Picard, also annoyed by Data and of the mind that going to warp speed will stop the robot from telling awful, awful jokes, agrees with Riker With Beard to end the episode.

How Rikered Was Riker With Beard?
Once again we didn't get all that much Riker With Beard this episode. He was pleased that Han Solo was a horndog which now makes me angry that there wasn't a spin-off series called Star Trek: Wingman where Riker With Beard and Han Solo travel to bars and nightclubs across the universe getting Rikered and picking up the hottest 1980s babes.

Final Thoughts
Hands down this is the horniest episode I've encountered since I began my scientific research into Star Trek fuckology. Han Solo fucked...a lot. Unfortunately the plot with Data attempting to learn comedy from Joe Piscopo sucked so bad I almost couldn't enjoy this super horny space adventure in which Han Solo fucks half the crew of the Enterprise.

As I've complained about several times in the past I absolutely HATE it when Star Trek: The Next Generation makes specific references to 20th century pop culture since it seems so out of place. Here at least they could make the excuse of Joe Piscopo being a hologram of a hacky 20th century comic but that doesn't make it any less obnoxious when he's reference Tip O'Neill and Jerry Lewis and shit.

According to stuff I've read on the internet about this episode, Joe Piscopo got to improvise many of his jokes and dialogue "including the Jerry Lewis impression,"[1] which makes me hate him even more than I previously did, but that is neither here nor there. This episode had a lot of fucking in it which is what this study is all about. It's my hope going forward that we get more Han Solo types fucking everyone on the Enterprise and fewer hack comics delivering terribly dated jokes on Star Trek: The Next Generation.

Fuck Count
Our man Han Solo got his dick wet repeatedly! The only problem is it's not entirely clear precisely how many time he did so. He clearly fucked two different women over the course of the episode (Teri Hatcher's character and the random lady Worf caught him with) but there's a line of dialogue stating he was, "reported in three different crew quarters." What is unclear though is if these three quarters include the two women we saw him fucking with or are three other people in addition to the two we saw him with and if that is the case did he have success with them or strike out. There are a lot of unknowns, so since he's not a character we will ever see again I'm just give him two but make a note that he may have fucked one to three more people than than that.

Also even though the fact that they fucked is integral to the plot of the episode I am not counting Benzan and Yanar as having fucked since it happened outside of the auspices of this episode.

Han Solo: +2 (+1~3)
Teri Hatcher's Character: +1
Random Female Crew Member: +1

Total Fucks for Episode: 4 (+1~3)
Total Fucks for Season: 6 (+1~3)
Total Fucks for Series: 12 (+1~3)

I hate that episode so much, solely because of the Piscopo bits. And I didn't even hate Piscopo on SNL, just here, and in most of the the other things he's done since Johnny Dangerously. I don't think I've seen the episode again in the 30+ years since it originally aired.

This is more so the first stage of a holodeck party isn't 'let's enter through a changeroom and everyone get dressed (also boring narrative.)' It would make sense too, I imagine you probably sit around your quarters deciding which frilly costume you want to wear and try it on before you go all captain fancypants. Plus if it's a program you're returning to for a serial story you'd probably have your fave outfit you maybe just hang in your spacecloset. See: Miles and Julian's various holosuite adventures where they show up in aviator gear or whatever. I'm almost certain they do a fanwank exposition moment at some point in the shows that inanimate objects are replicated as well.

And yes, there is more Sherlock to come.

Star Trek: The Next Generation - S02E05 - Loud as a Whisper

Welcome back to yet another case study in my ongoing examination of the horniest sci-fi television program of the late 80s and early 90s, Star Trek: The Next Generation. Today we are taking a look at the January 9, 1989 episode, Loud as a Whisper.

Preexisting Prejudices
Since Where Silence Has Lease wasn't the episode with a deaf guy hanging out on the Enterprise for some reason, I'm assuming that this one is that episode. I don't remember anything about it though other than the fact that Data learns sign language in it at one point and it (the episode in question not Data's study of sign language) is not particularly good.

Plot Synopsis
As is more often than not the case we begin our cold open with Picard dropping a Captain's Log, informing us of the plot hook for today's episode. This week's hook? The Enterprise has to pick up a mediator and transport them to a planet in the midst of "a bitter planetary conflict," at the request of the warring factions on that planet. The Enterprise is only supposed to transport the mediator and not otherwise interfere in whatever is about to go down.

After telling Wesley Crusher to reduce the ship's speed, Riker With Beard goes into Picard's office and finds him looking at some hologram of a solar system. Picard's all like, "Check this shit out Riker With Beard. I've been thinkin' about this planet's orbit since we left the Lima Sierra system. Its orbit shouldn't be possible but what if..."

"There's no degeneration." finishes Riker With Beard.

"EXACTLY!" replies Picard.

Riker With Beard wants to know why but Picard exclaims that he hasn't a clue. They talk a bit more about it and how if the model is correct it could "explain what happened in that system," but neither Riker With Beard or Picard explain what exactly that is and none of this shit seems to play any part in the episode that follows so huzzah for randomly wasting a couple minutes on completely bullshit!

Anyway, Riker With Beard tells Picard that they've arrived and Picard's like "Oh well time to leave." He and Riker With Beard then go down to the teleportation chamber. Riker With Beard is worried about Picard leading an away team to go pick up a peer mediator and Picard mocks him and calls him a mother hen and says that he's looking forward to meeting the mediator since he's allegedly one of the best.

Picard says that if the mediator can put an end to all the carnage on that warring system they should do everything in their power to assist him. Riker With Beard, however, reminds him that it's not his job "to police the galaxy." Picard's like, "Hey, I'm usually the one who is like Prime Directive forbids us from helping people when plot requires us to be dicks...but you're right, we should totally be dicks and not help a mediator bring peace to two warring factions who want peace."

In the teleportation chamber Troi asks Worf if he's detected any problems on the planet. He says that he has not so Troi asks him why he's all amped up internally since he only gets that way prior to combat. Worf says he does not expect battle so Troi asks him what is bother him.

Worf tells her that he is bothered by Riva, the master mediator, and then explains, "Before him there was no Klingon word for peacemaker." Riker With Beard is like, "I get why you're nervous as fuck then!" but Picard's like, "Dudes this is just a simple ceremonial greeting, nothing more! Let's go!" Like Picard's opening bit with the orbit of the planet, Worf's unease with the mediator never is mentioned again in the episode and plays no part in anything that transpires.

They arrive in a random-ass room somewhere on a planet, but seem to be all alone. I don't know if this is supposed to be suspenseful or something but we then get our good, good opening theme song so I guess it was.

After that good, good opening theme song, we check back in with the away team in the weird sound-stage palace or whatever. Some dude that looks like the dude from that Shogun mini-series from the 1980s shows up and gets all up in the various away team members' grills but doesn't say shit. Eventually the dude goes up onto his throne and a woman and two men dressed in white robes come out onto the stage.

They welcome the away team to their random-ass planet and explain that Riva is deaf and they serve as his interpreters with each of them speaking for him and expressing a different aspect of emotional intent.

Riva uses one of the dude interpreters to mack it to Troi for a bit before Picard says that there's a lot of shit about Riva that they didn't know. After the interpreters explain to Picard how they work Picard tells one of them that it's remarkable which pisses Riva off. He tells Picard to, "SPEAK DIRECTLY TO ME!"

Picard tells him that he's never dealt with a dude who has three telepathic interpreters to speak for him and did not mean any offense by the breech of protocol. This is enough of an apology for Riva who tells him that no offense has been taken then. Picard asks "how this rare form of communication came about."

Riva explains via his interpreters that "the gene for hearing is not present" in his planet's ruling line. He continues by explaining it's not that weird since "the House of Hanover of your planet Earth," all were hemophiliacs. Good to know this character comes from a long line of inbreeding.

Riva continues by explaining that his interpreters are his "Chorus" and how they are able to hear his thoughts and that their ancestors have been interpreting for his ancestors going back centuries. Troi tells him that his form of communication is "quite beautiful."

"It takes a fine mind to realize that, Counselor Troi," replies the horny translator. Maybe we're going to get some fucking in this boring-ass episode after all.

Troi tells him that the horny part of him doesn't speak very often and Riva's like, "It's speaks when I wanna bone and fuck alive do I wanna bone right now!"

Picard, however, is like, "The situation on war planet is dire we should probably delay your fuck-mission with my crew member and go do some peer mediation or whatever the fuck we are doing here." They then beam up onto the Enterprise.

On the bridge, O'Brien phones Riker With Beard and informs him that the away team has returned. Riker With Beard tells Wesley to haul ass to planet Warzone or whatever the shit the planet is called that they are supposed to be bringing Riva to.

Picard shows up on the bridge with Riva and his Chorus and introduces his crew to them. He comments on the uniqueness of Data and then talks at length with Geordi about his blindness and V.I.S.O.R. Riva asks him if he resents being blind or having to use V.I.S.O.R. Geordi tells him that "since they're both part of me, and I really like who I am, there's no reason for me to resent either one."

Riva tells him that, "It's a blessing to understand we are special, each in his own way."

Picard offers him the hospitality of his vessel and offers to show him to his quarters. Riva asks if Troi could take him there. Troi agrees and Riva heads up with only his horny interpreter. Riker With Beard is like, "What about you?" and the woman interpreter tells him that "At times like this we become an encumbrance." She then asks if she and the brainy guy interpreter can be shown to their quarters. Picard tells her that Worf will show her to them and as Worf talks them off, Riker With Beard tells Picard that Riva is not what he expected.

Later in Riva's quarters the man macks it to Troi and asks her to dinner after the briefing that Picard has prepared about the peer mediation that needs to be done. Troi asks him if his horny interpreter would be with them. He tells her that at least until they find their own method of communication.

Sometime later in the conference room, Picard, Riker With Beard and Data prepare to deliver their briefing about Planet Warzone, but Riva's like, "Eh fuck that noise. It doesn't matter why they were fighting originally after some time it became all the knew, but now they want peace so what changed?"

No one knows what changed but Riker With Beard says that the warring parties' desire for peace will make Riva's job easier. Riva tells him not necessarily easier but at least possible. He then tells everyone how he's never failed at brokering peace. He then says that unless there's anything else he has a dinner date to prepare for.

Later in Riva's quarters he and Troi are sharing a meal while the horny interpreter lurks in the background. Riva spits mad game at her laying the groundwork for a trip to the bone zone. He and Troi start doing sign language to communicate with each other but they get interrupted by bridge summoning Riva to join them there.

The Enterprise had arrived at Planet Warzone and found the ceasefire between the two warring factions had fallen apart. Riva arrives and talks to the two groups of battlin' aliens and tells them that their "bravery as fighters is know," and then encourages them to "demonstrate courage in a new way," and stop fighting so the meeting can take place.

Worf tells the crew that the lasers flying on the planet have ceased.

Riva then asks for a topographical map to pick a site for the peer mediation to go down. Riker With Beard tells Worf to get a security force together, but Riva tells him that he would "prefer to arrive with the smallest possible complement," so as not to add to an "already tense situation."

They then look at a map on a computer and Riva picks a site and as we head to commercials Riva declares, "THE TIME FOR KILLING HAS COME TO AN END!"

Back from commercials Riker With Beard, Worf, Riva, and his Chorus beam down to Warzone the Planet. As they stand on a windy hilltop Riva tells Riker With Beard that he will need some torches and a three sided table. Riker With Beard calls Geordi and tells him what they need, but before Geordi can beam the shit down, the warring factions arrive.

Riva tells them to be at ease and that coming to peer mediation "proves not only your courage, but your wisdom." He starts to tell them that he has no magic, but before he can finish that thought one of the aliens pulls out a laser gun and aims at Riva.

Riker With Beard knocks Riva out of the way, but the entire Chorus gets turned into SKELETONS!!! The other warring aliens yells some junk at the assassin and laser the shit out of him as Riker With Beard yells from the Enterprise to beam them up. As they beam away one of the aliens is like, "NOOOOOOOOOOO! RIVA!!!! WE NEED YOU!!!! WE NEED YOOOOOOOOOOOOU!"

Back on the Enterprise, Riva is gesticulating wildly at Troi and Data as Picard enters. Riker With Beard tells Picard what happened as Riva continues to gesticulate at him. Picard asks Troi what he's saying but he's moving his hands too quickly. Picard asks if he can write some shit and tells Riva he's sorry his "friends were killed," and that he doesn't know what he is trying to tell him.

Picard tells Data to go learn "some kind of gestural language," and then tells Troi to take Riva to see Doctor Grandma to see if she can help. He then grabs Riva's dome and shakes him while screaming, "YOU ARE NOT ALONE! DO YOU UNDERSTAND? WE ARE ALL IN THIS TOGETHER NOW!" Picard being a huge dick once again...

Back from break, Data is learning sign language. We then check in with Picard in his office. Troi and Doctor Grandma knock and come in. Troi tells Picard that Riva's frightened and confused. Doctor Grandma then tells him that Riva's brain can't receive auditory information and therefore none of the prosthetics or surgical techniques available to her would help him.

Troi says that there's nothing else either of them can do since it's up to Riva "and he's stopped cooperating."

Data then comes in and tells Picard that he has learned five different forms of sign language. He demonstrates in an annoying fashion until Picard tells him "ENOUGH! Let's talk to Riva!"

Later in the conference room, Picard talks to Riva, using Data as an interpreter. Riva explains that the death of his Chorus is his fault and that they are dead because of his arrogance. He says that they were not only his interpreters but also his friend and before they died he didn't realize how much a part of him they were.

Picard tells him that the factions of Warzone the Planet have contacted them and want to renew negotiations but Riva refuses to do so. Troi tells him that he has a chance to make some good come out of the tragedy, but Riva says someone else will have to do it.

Picard tells him that Data can help him communicate. Riva says that Data is a "fine machine" but when he speaks for him he can't convey his anguish or despair. He says that it took years to develop a communication with his Chorus and that is one "that cannot be easily replaced." He then asks to be taken back home.

Picard tells him that it is regrettable because "a lot more people are going to die."

Meanwhile in the sickbay, Geordi is getting his eyes check out by Doctor Grandma. She tells him that she could install optical device that looked like normal eyes and would give him a visual range close to V.I.S.O.R. Geordi asks her how much of a reduction it would be.

She tells him about twenty percent and then tells him that she could attempt to regenerate his optic nerve and "with the help of the replicator, fashion normal eyes." Wait, so the replicator can make human body parts? So why couldn't they use it to make a body for Moriarty in that shitty Sherlock Holmes episode?

She tells him that it would eliminate the constant pain he's in (that was only mentioned that one time in the season one episode, Encounter at Farpoint) and wants to know why he's hesitating. He tells her that he'd be giving up a lot and then she's like, "Also there are some risks and there are no guarantees it will even work right..."

Geordi thanks her and tells her that he'll consider it.

Meanwhile in Riva's quarters, Troi and Data show up to speak to Riva. Troi tells him that Picard is going to take him home, but first she is going to attempt to broker a peace between the two factions on Warzone the Planet. She asks for some pointers but he tells her that all he did was to find some bit of common ground between the two groups and get one person or group to express themselves to the other.

Troi tells him that is very difficult and he tells her that it is but what is more difficult is getting them to listen to each other and to understand. Troi tells him it is going to be very hard for her and he tells her that she is good with people. She says that her skill is different which leads to Riva telling her that the secret is "turning disadvantage to advantage."

Troi asks him why he can't do that. Riva tells her that her idea is interesting since "it would give them something in common." Data doesn't understand but then Riva kisses Troi and thanks Data and Data seems to comprehend. Troi tells him that he will have Picard contact the planet and tell them to prepare for his return.

Some time later, Riva beams down to the planet again this time with Worf, Riker With Beard, Data, and Troi. Geordi beams down the table and torches that had been asked for earlier. Riva has Data tell the other that they are free to leave since it might be some time before the two warring factions arrive.

Riker With Beard doesn't understand how he is going to communicate with them without the Chorus. Troi tells him that Riva's going to teach them sign language and Data adds that learning sign language will be part of their road to peace.

Riker With Beard is uncomfortable to leave Riva there alone but Riva insists that he will be fine and then thanks Troi for everything. The Enterprise crew then beams back leaving a smug looking Riva standing on a hilltop with a three sided table.

Meanwhile back in Picard's office, Picard is once again looking at that weird planetary orbit when there's a knock on his door. Troi comes in and says, "You wanted to see me?" Picard tells her that he knows that she can read his mind but wanted to verbally tell her, "Thank you. Well done." And that's the end of the episode...

How Rikered Was Riker With Beard?
I'm kind of confused about Riker With Beard's relationship status. He watched Riva put the mack moves on Troi when they were all on the bridge but did not seem bothered at all by it which was not the case when that Wyatt cat showed up to marry her. He also lost his shit when she got knocked up by a weird space light but when a deaf dude with a horny interpreter is all up in her business? Riker With Beard was cool as a cucumber. My prognosis? Drunk as fuck!

Final Thoughts
This episode wasn't as bad as I remembered it being. That's not to say it was good or anything, but as far as a random episode that one might see in syndication while making dinner you could do a lot worse than this one. It had some low level horniess, SKELETONS, weird space orcs, and a VERY IMPORTANT MESSAGE so overall I guess it was pretty good. Also kudos to the casting director for casting Howie Seago to play Riva. Dude is legit deaf so Star Trek: The Next Generation was maybe a bit ahead of the curve when it came to representation. If I had one complaint about this episode it would be that there was not any fucking which is kind of the sole thing I'm looking for with this rewatch.

Fuck Count
Though Riva put forth a pretty valiant effort to get it on with Troi he ultimately put the needs of others ahead of his own horniness. While it's certainly a commendable trait for an actual human being to posses, this is the Star Trek Fuck Report where the only thing that ACTUALLY matters is whether or not you got it on and since Riva never managed to seal the deal this episode ends up with a big fat zero in the Fuck Count ledger.

Total Fucks for Episode: 0
Total Fucks for Season: 6 (+1~3)
Total Fucks for Series: 12 (+1~3)

Our "Woops forgot to get a permission slip for nudity," thing in high school was some documentary about Japan we watched in a history that had a segment about hot springs with some nude Japanese boobs.

ABz B👹anaz The girl whose desk was within reach of the DVD player managed to pause, and then once the teacher pressed play, skipped back to, Romeo’s ass, so Zefirelli’s Romeo & Juliet will always be a man-ass film to me.

Supposedly Olivia Hussey was turned away from the premiere of the movie because she was too young to see the nudity in it. Her own.

Star Trek: The Next Generation - S02E06 - The Schizoid Man

It's been awhile since I've looked at a Star Trek thing. I got back into watching some other stuff and then my parents visited so I found myself lacking a ton of free time to watch old-ass extremely horny sci-fi shows. Today, however, we're continuing to explore Season 2 of Star Trek: The Next Generation, specifically episode 6, The Schizoid Man.

Preexisting Prejudices
I don't really remember this episode at all based on title alone or the brief one line episode summary so we're more or less going into this one with a clean slate. I'm a bit worried based on that one line episode summary that we aren't going to get much fucking though and since this is the Star Trek Fuck Report, that lack of fucking is going to be a major detriment.

Plot Synopsis
This episode begins unlike any other I've encountered up to this point: with Doctor Grandma droppin' a Medical Log. She informs us that some dude named Ira Graves is "the greatest human mind in the universe." He apparently lives on some remote planet and has dedicated himself to his research. A few hours earlier his assistant contacted the Enterprise requesting urgent medical assistance.

On the bridge Picard asks Worf if they've gotten any response from Gravesworld, which I guess is the planet Ira Graves lives on. Based on the fact that he got to name it Gravesworld must be way the fuck out in the sticks. When my grandparents retired, they too moved out to the middle of nowhere. They bought a bunch of land and built a house there and got some sort of access road that they were allowed to name. Like Graves they were lazy and just used their surname which is fun because in the years since they sold a lot of that land and there are other houses there now and that road still is named after my grandfather even though no one with that surname lives there anymore. Alls I know is if I get to name a road...or a planet out in the middle of nowhere, I'm going to do better than Surname Road or Surnameworld that's for damned sure.

Anyway, Worf tells him that there hasn't been any reply yet. Riker With Beard thinks this is bullshit since they asked for help and then turned off their cellphone or some shit. Picard asks Wesley how much longer before they arrive at the planet. Wesley informs him that it will be 36 more minutes, which is a very specific time of arrival.

Picard says that because Graves is a leading authority on molecular cybernetics Starfleet considers this medical mission a PRIORITY ONE ACTION! Doctor Grandma then drops some real terrible "why didn't this get punched up after the first draft" dialogue by stating, "A man is ill, Captain. Treating him is my priority one, regardless of who he is."

Meanwhile in a hallway, Troi and Geordi are walking. They are talkin' about Data. He's apparently been acting weird as fuck. Troi thinks that if Data weren't a robot she'd say that he was "showing signs of insecurity."

They enter Data's quarters. From the other room Data asks Geordi if Troi is with him. She is. Data tells them that he wants them to see him. They go into the room and there find DATA WITH BEARD! AW FUCK YEAH! IS THIS A THING THAT HAPPENS THIS SEASON? ARE WE GOING TO GET EVERY CHARACTER WITH A BEARD BEFORE THE END OF THE SEASON? I HOPE SO!

Geordi is a dick and asks the robot, "Did you damage your face, Data?"

Data informs him it's a bad-ass beard and asks for their opinions. Troi cannot handle this shit and starts laughing and then tells him, "I'm sorry. I have to go now. Goodbye." Data and all the beard fans watching at home are perplexed by why Troi was laughing about a beard.

After that good, good opening theme song, we check back in on the bridge. The crew gets another message from Gravesworld where a young woman pleads for someone to send a doctor but again the Enterprise is unable to send a response. The woman in the phone call seems scared but Worf says that the records indicate that only she and Dr. Graves are living on the planet.

Worf then gets another phone call, this one audio only. Apparently a nearby ship ferrying settlers has had an outer hull breach and is in a bad way. Doctor Grandma is like, "Those people are all fucked if we don't help them!"

Picard's like, "What about Graves?!"

Doctor Grandma rightly tells Picard that Graves is just one man and that the lives of man trump his individual life. Riker With Beard then suggests dropping out of warp speed for a moment and beaming a team down to deal with Graves and then heading off to save the settlers.

Picard's cool with this and tells Geordi to take care of the teleportation shit. He then tells Riker With Beard to get a team together for Doctor Grandma, but she says that since she's the chief medical officer she should oversee the larger medical emergency. Picard asks her for a replacement to go deal with Graves and Doctor Grandma recommends a Dr. Selar.

Riker With Beard then heads down to the teleportation chamber with Worf. There we see Dr. Selar, Troi and Data (who no longer has a beard). Worf joins them. I guess Riker With Beard is staying behind.

Riker tells Worf to set his phaser to stun since they don't know what the fuck is going down on Gravesworld. Geordi then tells them all that they're about to do a "near warp transport, so the effects may be a little unusual."

Troi wants to know what Geordi means, but no one tells her and they just teleports everyone down to Gravesworld. The Enterprise then blasts off to adventure.

Down on Gravesworld the away team arrives with seemingly no unusual effects, though Troi claims that she thought she was stuck in a wall for a moment. Apparently she was. Data calls the Enterprise and tells them that the away team has arrived at Graves' house and everything is quiet. Picard tells them to be careful.

The blonde lady from the space phone comes out of a room. She introduces herself as Kareen Brianon, and says that she is Ira Graves' assistant. She explains that she was worried about Graves' health but did want him to find out that she was calling for help and therefore never responded to the Enterprises' messages.

Graves comes out of a room and is a dick to everyone. Dr. Selar, who I think is a Vulcan or a Romulan or something asks about his symptoms and Kareen tells her that he has pain, shortness of breath, and irritability, but Graves is like, "BULLSHIT! I'M AS HEALTHY AS A RIGELIAN OX!"

Graves then tells Selar that he doesn't want her touching him because he doesn't like people and likes doctors even less. Troi is like "I thought most doctors were people," but Graves tells her that she's wrong but admits that for a doctor, Selar is "not a bad looking woman." He then flirts with Troi who is like, "I thought you didn't like people."

"Women aren't people. They're WOMEN!" replies a gross as fuck old man.

Graves then spies Data and is like "no aesthetic value whatsoever...looks like Soong's work."

Data tells him that he's right and then asks if Graves knew Dr. Soong. Graves replies that he taught Soong everything he knows and claims to be the father of his work which "kind of makes me your grandfather doesn't it sonny?"

He then yells at Selar who has been sneaking about scanning him while he's been ranting. He asks her to tell him what's wrong. Selar tells him that he has Darnay's disease. Kareen asks if there's anything she can do but Selar tells her that "In all cases Darnay's is terminal."

Back from break a Captain's Log gets dropped informing us that the Enterprise had saved the settlers and were now making haste back to Gravesworld.

Back on Gravesworld Graves is in Graves' laboratory whistling "If I Only Had a Heart." Fuck I hate when they do this shit on this stupid show. Data asks what the melody is. Graves (who insists Data call him "Grandpa") explains the Tin Man's character arch in The Wizard of Oz and how he wanted to be human and in the end learns he was a human being all along.

Data is all like, "Huzzah! A happy ending!" prompting Graves to be all emo. He's like "Stories have happy endings, it's life that sucks all kinds of ass! LIFE IS PAIN!" He says he feels sorry for Data's existence since he'll never what it truly means want or suffer. He'll just go through life existing.

Graves is then casually like, "Hey I know how to transfer my brain into a computer." He mocks Data for being unable to die some more which prompts Data to be like, "I have an off switch. That's pretty much like dying..."

Graves then wonders where Soong would have put such a switch. Data seems ready to randomly tell him even though back in that shitty Datalore episode he was very cautious about revealing that information to Dr. Beverly Crusher, someone he had known and worked with for a far greater period of time than he'd known Graves. Graves stops him though and says that he wants to guess where it is.

It is super clear what is about to happen and a moment later, just as the Enterprise arrives to pick them all up, Data emerges from the office to declare that Ira Graves is dead. I am poleaxed as fuck by how this went down. It seems that Graves would have had to turn Data off to transfer his brain into him and then turn him back on, but the process of transferring his brain seemed to kill him. So how did Data get turned back on because as we saw in Datalore it's legit a switch, not some voice command or thing that a random computer could be programmed to do. PLOT HOLE ALL UP IN THIS!

Back from commercials, Picard drops a Captain's Log about how bummed out he is that they were unable to save Ira Graves and his big brain and that their new number one priority is to drop his assistant off at some spacebase so she can get on with her life.

In the Picard's office, Riker With Beard and Picard are grilling Data about why he didn't get Dr. Selar when he saw that Graves was starting to die. Data's like, "Shrug. All things must pass," and then asks to leave. As he goes he is like "What about a funeral? It was his dying wish."

Picard is annoyed as fuck and is like, "For fucks sake man I said we would!"

Later in Ten Forward, Data meets with Kareen. They talk about stars and Data is like, "You always did love the sky," which is something he would have absolutely no way of knowing. Luckily for him Kareen is kind of dumb and is like, "Did Ira tell you that?"

Data then continues to do a shit job of concealing the fact that he's actually Graves by telling her that Graves wanted to take her on a one way trip to the bone zone. He reaches out to touch her but stops himself before he does. Kareen seems a bit confused by the exchange. Maybe she's not so dumb after all.

Later in the teleportation chamber the crew has a funeral for Graves who has been put in some sort of spacecase and is wearing a goofy looking chainmail hat. Picard gives a perfunctory eulogy and asks if anyone else has anything to add.

Data says that he does and delivers an overlong eulogy that heaps praise on Graves. By the time he has gotten to the point of declaring, "Those who knew him love him and those who did not know him loved him from afar," Picard has heard enough and tells Data they're done. Picard then commits "the body of Ira Graves to the timeless depths of space," (aka beams that spacecase out into the nothingness of space).

After the funeral, Picard talks to Data in his office telling him that maybe he's been "studying the human equation" too diligently and urges him to not try so hard to be human. "Just be yourself alright?" Picard tells him.

Data tells him that he will and Picard dismisses him. Data then leaves and begins whistling "If I Only Had a Heart," as he ogles a female crew member's ass and then gets in a TURBOLIFT!

Back from break we get another Captain's Log in which Picard declares, "Although Commander Data has assured me that his odd behavior will return to normal, I can't help thinking that something went wrong during his visit to Gravesworld." NO FUCKIN' DUH PICARD! Goddamn everyone is this episode is dumb as fuck...

Picard and Troi walk and talk about what's going on with Data. Picard wonders if the death of Graves might have impacted him "on some emotional level we didn't know he possessed." Troi hopes he's right.

Meanwhile on the bridge, Wesley tells Data that his speech was great but Data runs him down for having a "child-like mind." Wesley Crusher Boy Genius takes umbrage with this and Data continues to shit talk him. I like this new attitude if it means he's going to shit-talk Wesley Crusher.

Riker With Beard tries to put a stop to it but Data continues to be a smart ass leading Wesley Crusher to get a real hangdog look on his face and be like "Data, what's wrong with you?"

Picard and Troi then come onto the bridge along with Kareen. Picard is like, "I heard you like science so I put science in your science..." He offers to show her the computer terminal. Data gets jealous and starts making comments under his breath before bellowing how he knew that Picard wanted to fuck Kareen. Picard's like "THE FUCK?! Data come with me!"

Data heads off with Picard and Riker With Beard asks Troi what the shit just happened. She tells him that she detected intense feelings of the human emotion, jealousy, coming from Data. THE PLOT THICKENS! Or perhaps more precisely continues along at a snails pace since the characters on the show are attempting to catch up to the level of knowledge the viewers at home already possess. God does this fucking shit suck so much.

Elsewhere Data tells Picard that if he wants to apologize he's ready to listen. Picard is poleaxed by this. Data continues to be a d-bag to Picard who tells him that he's going to have Engineering examine Data to determine what's wrong with him. Data tells him that he can run a circuit check on himself to determine any abnormalities. Picard orders him to do so but after Data scans himself and declares himself to be fine Picard tells him, "For the first time since I've known you, I don't believe you."

Later in Engineering Geordi is using some weird laser lasso deal to scan Data who keeps moving around. Picard asks him to wait in the hall after the scans are complete but Data's a dick to him some more. Eventually Data leaves and Picard's like, "His insubordination is growing by leaps and bounds. I could use discipline, but I'd rather try and help him."

Geordi tells him that he can't find anything wrong with Data leading Troi to opine that they might be looking in the wrong place. "If Data's physical health is unimpaired, perhaps his mental health needs to be addressed," she says. She then asks Picard's permission to give him a psychiatric evaluation.

I guess Picard agrees because in the next scene we see Data hooked up to a Clockwork Orange machine that flashes a bunch of random ass images at him will super intense music builds to a crescendo. I half expected him to throw the TV or some shit but he just sits there as the music builds and then the scene ends.

In Picard's office Picard is talking to Data's best friend, Geordi. Geordi thinks that Data sometimes "wants to be human so badly he can taste it," and that when human qualities surface he sometimes gets confused. Troi then comes in and says that she has the results of Data's psych tests and that she ran the tests several times to make certain they were accurate.

There are two personalities residing in Data! Finally these idiots have figured out the shit even the dumbest viewer would have worked out back in Act II. She explains that the dominant personality (which I don't think she worked out to be Graves) is, "unstable. Brilliant but vain, sensitive yet paranoid." She believes it to be prone to irrationality and explains that it really hates Picard. She then explains that it seems to be growing in strength and that if they don't do something soon there will be nothing left of the Data they know.

After a commercial break, Picard reveals via Captain's Log that they have arrived at a spacebase to drop off Kareen. I guess I spoke too soon about the crew of dolts figuring out what happened since Picard is now declaring that he is, "greatly troubled by the unusual behaviour of Commander Data and fear that somehow it is directly related to the experiments of Ira Graves."

Picard and Troi are walking in the hall. He asks her where Data is and she tells him he should be in his quarters since that's where Picard ordered him to stay. Picard checks with Computer who informs him that Data is in Ten Forward.

Picard calls Worf and sends him to Ten Forward to keep an eye on Data but not to interfere with him unless Picard tells him to do so. Picard decides to figure out what the shit happened on Gravesworld and summons Dr. Selar to his office.

In Ten Forward, Data greets Kareen and is like, "You know who I am." She figures out that he's Graves and asks how it's possible. He explains that he turned Data off and transferred his mind into Data's body and then expresses surprise over how much of himself he was able to retain. Kareen tells him that they (the crew of the Enterprise) will try to stop him but he tells them they can't.

Back in Picard's office he asks Selar about Data's interactions with Graves. She says that they were alone together almost the entire time. Picard then asks what her impression of Graves was. She says that he seemed intelligent but was also a massive asshole. Picard FINAL figures out what the fuck happened...

Back in Ten Forward, Data or Graves or whoever he is at this point, tells Kareen about how much being a robot rules. He's stoked that he'll live for a thousand years and promises to make an android body for her too so they can "witness the end of time together."

Kareen is not a fan of this plan and starts crying. He tells her that now that he's a robot he can love her like he always wanted to since he's not too old for her any more. Kareen yells at him that she won't let him put her in a robot body because she wants to live her life. She then tells Graves/Data that he is hurting her and we see that he's crushed the fuck out of her hand.

Data flees and Worf calls Picard and tells him that Data left Ten Forward. He asks if he should follow but Picard tells him that he'll handle the situation himself. Picard then tells Troi that he thinks Graves might have succeeded in bridging the gap the gap between man and machine and then declares "I may be forced to tear it down."

Picard finds Graves/Data in engineering and discovers some knocked out crew members including Geordi up on the catwalk. Picard yells at him and tells him that he had no right to take over Data's body. Graves tells him that he had every right to take over Data's body since Data was just a machine.

Graves/Data tells Picard that he's lucky that he's not a violent man which Picard's like, "The fuck you on about mate? Look at this sea of carnage!"

Graves/Data is like, "This is not my fault! They told me I was not supposed to be up here. They should not have done that!"

Picard tells Graves that he has gone to far and needs to terminate the experiment. He then calls Sickbay and asks how Kareen is. Doctor Grandma tells him that her hand is broken in two places. Picard tells her that there are two more injured in engineering.

Picard continues to be like, "GIVE DATA BACK!" He argues that Data is unique and thus must allowed to live. Graves/Data yells, "NO!" at him and then backfists him, knocking him the fuck out! Graves is then like, "Oh fuck what did I do? How many more accidents?"

Some time later, Picard gets revived. He has the computer tell him where Data is and then heads to Data's quarters with Geordi, Kareen and Doctor Grandma. They find him knocked the fuck out on the floor. Geordi cautiously rouses Data. Data immediately does some annoying Data shit to confirm that he is back to his old self. Kareen then points out that Graves put his brain inside the computer.

We get one final Captain's Log dropped where Picard tells us that they dropped off Kareen somewhere and that he hopes she has a bright future. He then tells us that, "the intellect of Ira Graves has been deposited into our computer. There is knowledge but no consciousness. The human equation has been lost."

Back on the bridge Data tells Wesley that he doesn't remember anything about what happened and after Wesley badly recites bits of Data's eulogy, Data declares that perhaps it is for the best that he doesn't remember anything before adding that he trusts that he "did nothing unbecoming to a Starfleet officer."

Riker With Beard asks him "Does wrestling with a Klingon targ ring a bell?"

Picard has had enough of this shit and tells Wesley to get the fuck out of wherever they are and as the Enterprise fucks off to further adventure, Data asks, "Did I win?"

How Rikered Was Riker With Beard?
The final scene where Riker With Beard busts Data's balls about wrestling a targ makes me think he was drunk as fuck, but there's another part of me that's not so certain he actually was mocking Data's lack of memory. The episode was so disjointed that there's a part of me that though that this line was like that line of dialogue in Goonies where a different Data declares "The octopus was very scary!" in spite there being a grand total of zero (0) octopuses in the final cut of the movie. Was this a residual bit of dialogue referencing a scene where Data did wrestle a Klingon targ that got left on the cutting room floor? This speculation is far more interesting than anything else that happened in this shit-bad episode.

Final Thoughts
What a shit episode. For some reason this episode was far more annoying than any other episode I've encountered up to this point. The storyline was uninspired, extremely predictable, and ultimately never went anywhere. Moreover, no one in the crew did anything to resolve the problem at hand other then get knocked the fuck out and Ira Graves' decision to do the right thing came from out of nowhere. Bad episode, everyone's fault.

I guess if there was a gun to my head and someone ordered me to say something good about the sixth episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation's much maligned second season, it would be that Dr. Selar was a pretty decent character and far better looking than Doctor Grandma.

Fuck Count
Some overt horniness from Ira Graves (and Data while possessed by Ira Graves) but no one sealed the deal.

Total Fucks for Episode: 0
Total Fucks for Season: 6 (+1~3)
Total Fucks for Series: 12 (+1~3)

Does Dr. Selar ever show back up on the show or is she like that Asian lady with 80s hair that does Data's job on that episode where Geordi is in charge of the Enterprise for some reason?

He literally only had for the cold open. It was gone and never mentioned again the next time he appeared on screen.

I don't think she ever showed up on the show again; I think Nurse Ogawa became the primary "other person in sickbay" after she showed up and kept the title to the end of the show. TOS had Dr. M'Benga in a similar role, but he at least showed up twice.