Star Trek: TNG - An In-Depth Analysis of Who Boned the Most

WAIT A MINUTE! They just blew up a completely undamaged ship because it had a dead crew and was infected with a disease they already had a cure for???

What the fuck, guys?!

This does not seem like the major problem with this episode. Inventing immmmmmmortality via transporters? Now you would think that might come in useful in the future...

Isn't genetic engineering long banned in-universe in episodes that were released after this one though some of which took place prior to this one chronologically?

If only there was some place they could vent all the air on the ship to and get rid of the diseased air (and presumably, the bodies too), and then refill the perfectly good ship with new, clean air.  Too bad there's no place in the entire vast empty nothingness of all that outer space they're floating in that could serve as a vacuum to suck the air out.

I have no idea how I know this (must have read it at some point and it stuck with me) but at some point they pulled something like this in TOS and James Blish (who wrote short novelizations of every episode) retconned it in his adaptation by saying that reverting yourself to a previous pattern also reverted your memory (although I guess this also raises the question of why not do it after serious personal trauma).

Star Trek: The Next Generation - S02E08 - A Matter of Honor

Here we go kids! It's time for another in depth study in the field of Star Trek Fuckology. My work today will be examining the Season 2 episode, A Matter Honor. The episode, which first aired on February 6, 1989 is about Riker serving aboard a Klingon vessel as part of an officer exchange program.

Preexisting Prejudices
I remember the main plot beats of this episode and recall it being one of the few Season 2 episodes that isn't terrible in terms of being an enjoyable television show to half watch in syndication while getting dinner ready but that's not what this study is about. This study is about determining who fucked the most in it and for the life of me I can't recall if Riker With Beard takes a trip to the bone zone with a lady Klingon in this episode or not.

Plot Synopsis
We start things off with dudes on the bridge of the Enterprise talking about approaching some kind of starbase for some kind of transfer. It's not immediately clear what is being transferred but a moment later some new recruits are beamed onto the Enterprise.

Riker With Beard is in the teleportation chamber to greet the new recruits along with Wesley Crusher. Three of the recruits are there as replacements but one (a Benzite) is there as an exchange student or some shit.

Wesley Crusher, thinking all Benzites look alike assumes it's that guy Mordock that he took a Starfleet Academy exam with in that shit episode that served as a prelude to the good-ass season 1 episode Conspiracy. The Benzite, a dude named Mendon, tells Wesley that he and Mordock "are from the same geostructure," and therefore look alike. In reality they were played by the same dude so there ya go.

Riker With Beard welcomes him to the ship and tells him that there will be "a briefing and indoctrination session" in a bit which sounds like some cult shit but I don't know. Mendon thanks him and tells him that he is certain he "can be of great help to the ship."

Picard then summons Riker With Beard to a shooting range and Riker With Beard heads off and leaves Mendon with Wesley Crusher.

I'm kind of confused about Mendon's existence. Wasn't Mordock's shtick that he was the first Benzite to go to Starfleet Academy? How is Mendon already a real ensign (as opposed to that fake bullshit kind of ensign Wesley Crusher is). Doesn't it take years to get through the Academy? Even if he was the one person who got to enter the Academy in the time period after Mordock got in shouldn't he still be a student?

Meanwhile at the shooting range Picard and Riker With Beard are lasering the shit out lights on the wall and having a chat. Picard asks Riker With Beard for his take on the exchange program. Riker With Beard says that he's about it and is willing to spend some time on a Klingon vessel that's in the area when Picard suggests it.

After that good, good opening theme song we are treated to a Captain's log where Picard explains that they are going to rendezvous with a Klingon ship known as the Pagh and that he has informed the staff of Riker With Beard's temporary assignment.

In the hallway, Riker With Beard and Worf are walkin' and talkin' about Klingon military officers' duties. Riker With Beard is a bit poleaxed by the fact that one of the duties of a First Officer is to assassinate the Captain. Worf explains that it is the honorable thing to do if and when a Captain is unable to perform his duties and explains to Riker With Beard that his Second Officer will be expected to do the same thing to him.

"It is different," says Riker With Beard.

"Many things will be different," deadpans Worf.

Meanwhile on the bridge Mendon is an annoying asshole to some random crewman telling him how to do his job. He does the same thing to Wesley and then asks Wesley if the Captain is open to suggestions regarding how to run things more efficiently. Wesley says that he's never known Picard to not listen to his officers and Mendon is pleased.

Down in Ten Forward, Riker With Beard is chowing down on some Klingon foodstuffs. Doctor Grandma shows up and is like, "The fuck are you eating my man?" Riker With Beard explains some of the stuff he's going to town on and it's all like worms and hearts and shit like that. Is the "People have to eat weird food stuffs" still a trope in pop culture in the present day because I feel like that was rather commonplace in the 1980s but I can't think of any instances of it in present day.

Riker With Beard offers her some booze but she decides to abstain. Picard shows up and does not turn down free liquor even if it does appear to have tentacles in it. Picard tells him that there are many things to learn about the Klingons still and that he envies Riker With Beard.

Later in a hallway, Worf gives Riker With Beard a small metal tube. It's an emergency transponder. Riker With Beard asks him if he expects there to be trouble on the Klingon ship and he says that it's simply a security precaution and that he wants to insure that Riker With Beard returns safely to the ship.

Back on the bridge, Worf informs Picard that they've made contact with the Klingon vessel, the Pagh. The captain of the Pagh, a dude named Kargan, tells Picard to beam his First Officer over immediately. Picard tells him that they're preparing to do so and that Kargan is "getting a fine officer."

Kargan tells him that he'll judge that for himself and then hangs up the space TV phone. Mendon opines that Kargan wasn't very hospitable and Worf tells him to mind his own beeswax. Mendon tells Worf that he didn't mean to offend him.

"You didn't...yet!" growls a scowling Worf.

Mendon goes back to work, scanning something that's on the Klingon vessel. The computer says it's an unknown subatomic microbiotic colony but all other scans are inconclusive. Cue some dramatic-ass music.

From down in the teleportation chamber O'Brien calls up and informs Picard that they're ready to go. Picard leaves Data in charge and I assume goes down to see Riker With Beard off.

Down in the teleportation chamber my belief proves to be incorrect as O'Brien and Riker With Beard are chilling out sans Picard. O'Brien says that he wouldn't want to go and asks Riker With Beard if he's afraid. Riker With Beard tells him that he is not.

"I would be," O'Brien states matter-of-factly before beaming Riker With Beard onto the Klingon ship.
Back on the bridge, Picard tells Wesley Crusher to haul ass to whatever they're supposed to be doing. If they have an adventure hook mission in this episode I don't remember what it actually is but that's neither here nor there. Picard tells Data that he got command of the bridge and he's going to "observation."

Was this just a different take of him leaving the bridge in the last scene he was in? Because in the previous scene he was like, "I'm leaving. Data you have the bridge," and then in the next scene was back just to leave again and give Data command of the bridge.

Anyway before he leaves Mendon cuts him off and tells him that he's please to be on the Enterprise. Picard welcomes him but seems kind of annoyed by him. He gets even more annoyed when Mendon's like, "I have some suggestions about how all y'all can do your jobs better."

Picard basically tells him to fuck off and lies, saying that on the Enterprise they are super into the chain of command so he's got to report to Worf. Mendon apologizes and says that he wanted to "impress upon" Picard something but Picard never let's him finish his though. He cuts him off and tells him that it's not his fault and that they should have explained the protocol better during Mendon's orientation before leaving.

Worf scowls and the dorky Mendon and tells him, "YOU MAY IMPRESS ME!"

Over on the Pagh, a random Klingon is leading Riker With Beard through a pipe corridor. He's giving Riker With Beard the stank-eye so Riker With Beard's like, "Yo dude you got a fucking problem?" and the Klingon is like, "No, I've just never seen anyone from your species before."

Riker With Beard tells him that he's just a run of the mill human being "who happens to be a Commander," before asking the random Klingon what his orders were. The random Klingon tells him that he's supposed to escort Riker With Beard to the Captain so Riker With Beard tells him to stop gawking and do that then.

A short while later on the bridge of the Pagh, Riker With Beard ducks under some more pipes and introduces himself to Captain Kargan. Kargan tells him that he is incorrect when Riker With Beard says that he is the commander of the Starship Enterprise insisting instead that he is "First Officer of the Klingon cruiser, the Pagh."

Kargan then asks him where his loyalties lie. Riker With Beard doesn't understand so Kargan explains that though the ship is on a peaceful mission everyone on the ship is ready to die should they have to go into battle and asks if Riker With Beard will do the same.

Riker With Beard tells him that he' been assigned to serve on the Pagh and obey Kargan's orders and will do that very thing. Kargan asks if he's willing to take an oath to that effect and Riker With Beard tells him that he just did.

A random Klingon bellows some shit in Klingonese and we actually get some subtitles informing us that whatever he said translated to, "Do not believe him! He lies!"

Kargan yells at him in Klingonese to, "Speak in their language," before introducing the skeptical Klingon as Riker With Beard's Second Officer, Lieutenant Klag. Riker With Beard asks Klag if he's got beef and Klag tells Riker With Beard, who was apparently unable to read the subtitles that appeared, that he doesn't believe him.

Riker With Beard asks Klag if he is challenging Riker With Beard's authority over him and Klag says that he is. Riker With Beard is then like, "Captain what's your take on this?" and Kargan tells him that it looks like Riker With Beard's first command decision.

What Riker With Beard decides to do is wreck shop and Klag, slamming his fist in Klag's gut and judo throwing him to the floor. Riker then puts the boots to Kag while he's down and finally finsihes him off by ramming Klag's head in science machines that spark as they break. Captain Kargan laughs at this and Riker With Beard tells Klag that his oath is between him and Captain Kargan and that Klag only need to concern himself with following Riker With Beard's orders unless he prefers "the rank of prisoner to that of Lieutenant."

Klag tells him that he'll follow Riker With Beard's orders and Kargan tells Riker With Beard that he, in turn, is expected to obey Kargan's orders. Riker With Beard tells him that he will do exactly that.

Back on the Enterprise, Worf tells Picard that scans have detected some sort of unknown substance on the exterior of the ship. They do some further scans and Data explains that it is a, "rare form of subatomic bacteria, capable of doubling itself in size every fifteen minutes," and further explains that the bacteria is, "reacting with two of the compounds present in the Enterprise structure."

Picard wants to know where it came from and Mendon says that he noticed it when he randomly scanned the Pagh. Picard asks Mendon who who informed of the bacteria he detected and Mendon explains that he hadn't told any since he hadn't completed his analysis of it.

Worf scolds Mendon and tells him that he is supposed to report any weird Star Trek: The Next Generation plot hooks he discovers and Picard adds, "And I think that falls into this category."

Mendon protests, again saying that since he had yet to complete his full analysis, reporting anything would have been improper. Data asks him how he came to that conclusion and Mendon explains that it is a Benzite regulation and no officer would report such an occurrence unless they had completed a full analysis and come up with a resolution before concluding, "I have simply followed proper procedures."

Picard's like, "Fuck that man. Our procedure is to inform command of any plot hooks you might encounter that put the ship in danger for the duration of a single episode. Do you understand?"

Mendon tells him that he does and gets a real hangdog look on his face as Picard tells him to continue his analysis and determine the danger to not only the Enterprise, but also the Pagh. He tells Mendon to use whatever resources are necessary in order to understand this mysterious new life form and then tells Data to supervise.

Picard then leaves and Worf gets up in Mendon's grills and tells him that after he figures out what the fuck is going on with the space bacteria he will instruct Mendon in "Enterprise etiquette." This is all very weird to me since in the 30 or so episodes I've watched since I began this scientific study, there's never been a strict adherence to protocol and hierarchy demonstrated by anyone on the ship. People are constantly just doing what they think is best for the plot of the episode without getting orders from above. So I kind of feel like Picard is acting out of character here but I digress.

Back on the Pagh, Riker With Beard drops a First Officer's log about how he's, "impressed with the abilities and single-mindedness of the Klingons."

We then check in on Riker With Beard in the cafeteria with a bunch of Klingon officers. Riker With Beard does not appear to be eating much and Klag asks him if the food is okay. Riker With Beard tells him that it was all excellent and Klag is like, "Good! Then you'll also enjoy this!" and busts out some gagh (the worms that Riker With Beard was fucking with back in Ten Forward on the Enterprise).

Riker With Beard is surprised to find them wriggling around in the bowl since the gagh Riker With Beard ate earlier was dead. Klag tells him that gagh is best served live. He then asks Riker With Beard would like something easier. Riker With Beard asks him what he means and Klag tells him, "If Klingon food is too strong for you, perhaps we could get one of the females to breast feed you." This causes everyone to laugh.

Riker With Beard asks him if Klag is worried about him weakening and Klag replies, "Look around you. There are no old warriors." What this has to do with the previous line of conversation, I cannot say but it leads to Riker With Beard talking about dying with honor. Klag tells him that he "may live long enough to learn about us."

A lady Klingon then declares that Riker With Beard "is not very attractive," but will have them. Another lady Klingon says some stuff to the first and a random dude Klingon tells Riker With Beard, "They would like to know how you would endure."

"Endure what?" asks Riker With Beard.

"Them!" answers Klag.

Riker With Beard, not being adverse to dick diplomacy based on past incidents asks, "One or both?" The Klingons think this is great and everyone laughs. The one lady Klingon who could speak English then gets up and tells Riker With Beard that she might be back for him before leaving.

Riker With Beard asks Klag if she is serious and Klag tells him that she is. A bunch of the other Klingons leave and Klag and Riker With Beard learn about each others culture with both sides learning that their belief that they other side were entirely humorless was false.

One of the Klingons tells Riker With Beard, "There is much about us you do not know."

Riker With Beard tells him that's why he came to the Pagh. Klag tells him, "You should ask." The dialogue in a lot of this episode seems like some first draft shit since this doesn't really tie to the dialogue that directly preceded it. Riker With Beard is completely fine with it though and tells him that he may and that "After this tour, I may have some worthy questions."

Klag wants to know what kind of questions Riker With Beard might have. "About our future?" he asks before answering his hypothetical question from Riker With Beard by declaring, "Our future is honor." This leads to the men talking about how they, like Riker With Beard have a mother and a father.

Riker With Beard asks the nameless Tactics officer if his parents are still alive. He tells him that his mother is still alive, but his father died with honor in some random-ass battle. Riker With Beard then asks about Klag's father. Klag explains that he was captured by Romulans but not allowed to die with honor. He eventually escaped and now is on the Klingon planet awaiting death by old age...WITHOUT HONOR!

Klag tells Riker With Beard that he refuses to see his father because of this. Riker With Beard is complete poleaxed and is like, "Dude! That's your dad!" but Klag explains that, "A Kling is his work, not his family."

Riker With Beard tries to get them to change the foundation of their society by again telling Klag that his dad is his dad and that he should see them. Klag tells Riker With Beard that Klingons do not express feelings the same way as humans to which Riker With Beard replies, "Perhaps you should." Klag expresses that they would not know how but Riker With Beard tells him, "Yesterday I did not know how to eat gagh," and then shovels a big forkful of worms into his face.

Solid, "I want to learn about your culture and way of life, also your culture and way of life are wrong, here's how you should change it," scene across the board.

Back on the Enterprise, Mendon explains to Picard that he has confirmed that the bacteria is eating some of the compounds that comprise the hull of the Enterprise. Picard asks him about the Pagh and Mendon tells him that their ship would be even more susceptible due to the construction of it. Picard asks for a projection and Data tells him that at this time there should be a 12 cm opening in the Pagh.
Picard tells Worf to signal them and alert them as to what is happening since they might be unaware of the danger. He then orders Wesley Crusher to change course to intercept since the Pagh might need their help but Data informs him it might be hard to find them since the Pagh is currently on "undesignated maneuvers" in some random-ass system.

"FIND THEM!" orders Picard.

Back on the Pagh, Kargan asks Riker With Beard what he thinks caused a small hull in the hull of their ship. He hypothesizes some possible causes but Kargan tells him none of them are possible. Riker With Beard tells the science station to analyze the hole but Kargan tells him that they already have.

Klag informs him that it's "a space organism eating away at our hull."

Riker With Beard's like, "You must have some way to repair it," but Kargan's like, "NOPE!" He then tells Riker With Beard that the only ship they'd recently come into contact with was the Enterprise. Riker With Beard protests saying there was no direct contact with the ship.

The Tactics Officer guy tells Riker With Beard that the Enterprise conducted an extensive scan but Riker With Beard tells him that's normal procedure. Kargan doesn't buy it though and asks him what type of beam the Enterprise used to damage the hull of the Pagh.

Riker With Beard tells him, "None. Why would they do that? We're allies."

The nameless Tactics Officer then tells him that there was "an intense scanning beam" directed at the area of the hull that now has a hole in it for two minutes. Kargan wants Riker With Beard to explain it but Riker With Beard cannot. He explains that it would be stupid as fuck for the Enterprise to sabotage a ship that their own First Officer is transferring to but Kargan doesn't want to hear it. He orders the ship's cloaking device activated and prepares to intercept the Enterprise in order to attack and destroy it.

Good job Mendon. Good fucking job.

Speaking of Mendon, back on the Enterprise, Wesley Crusher gives Mendon a pep talk, telling him that he just made a mistake and that even though Picard might not like them, "he knows they turn up from time to time."

Mendon gets all emo about how he failed and blew his opportunity to "show the Captain [his] superior capabilities," and how he can never hope to recover from that.

Wesley Crusher is like, "Dude, you didn't put that space organism on the hull, you found it. Sure you messed up the protocol a little bit, but you were trying to figure out what the organism was."

Mendon thanks him for trying to be nice to him but admits he doesn't understand why. Wesley tells him that he thought Mendon could use a friend. Mendon thanks him and says that he hope he can learn the ways of the Enterprise before he messes up again. He then says that his ways must seem foolish to Wesley.

Wesley tells him that they are different but that's the entire point of the officer exchange program. The officers involved learn different ways of doing things and then bring that knowledge back to their own ships and inform the bosses who decide which way is better.

Mendon tells Wesley that he'll do things the Enterprise way and work harder than he did before and that he'll succeed brilliantly. Mendon sucks.

Back on the Pagh the hole has gotten much bigger. Kargan orders Riker With Beard to go check the growth of the organism with Engineering and after he leaves Kargan tells the bridge crew to keep tabs on Riker With Beard.

Klag, however, is starting to believe in Riker With Beard and tells Kargan that he doesn't think Riker With Beard knew of any plot against the Pagh asking, "If he did, why would he have come on board?"

Kargan says, "Because he was ordered to."

But Klag doesn't buy it, saying that while a Klingon might willingly die at a moment's notice, humans "do not volunteer for death so easily," before adding "he may be a spy but he's no coward," which makes no goddamn sense in the context of the conversation that is being had. For real this script might be one of the worst I've encountered since I started watching this show to analyze the fuck habits of the various characters.

Kargan replies in an equally nonsensical fashion saying, "That only proves that he is intelligent. And you might not be as strong as you used to be."

The nameless Tactics Officer then informs Kargan that he's detected the Enterprise as Riker With Beard returns to the bridge. Kargan tells Riker With Beard, that he had almost convinced him that this was all a misunderstanding but the Enterprise has changed course and is following the Pagh and asks Riker With Beard why they would do this.

Riker With Beard tells him to ask the Enterprise but Kargan's like "THE REASON IS OBVIOUS!" and then tells the bridge crew to, "Put the ship of full battle alert," and "arm all photon torpedoes," in order to destroy the Enterprise.

Back on the Enterprise Wesley Crusher tells Picard that they should be in contact with the Klingon ship. He slows the Enterprise to impulse speed and Worf informs Picard that. "hailing frequencies are open," but no one is responding.

Data tells him that, "The Pagh is either cloaked or destroyed," and Picard orders an "intensive scan of the area," completely unaware that intensive scans are what causes this entire shit-show to begin with.

Back on the Pagh Riker With Beard continues to try to convince Kargan that the Enterprise is most likely just there to help. Kargan tells him not to forget that he took an oath to serve him and the ship. Riker With Beard tells him that he has not forgotten.

Kargan then asks him to tell him the best method for attack against the Enterprise, but Riker With Beard refuses. Kargan replies by dropping the episode title saying that "It is a MATTER OF HONOR and loyalty to your oath."

Riker With Beard again tells him that he will not reveal the secrets of the Enterprise to him. Kargan is like "If your word is no good, then how can we ever trust Starfleet?" Riker tells him that he will not break any vow he took in the past and will not break the vow of loyalty to Kargan and the Pagh either.

Kargan tells him that those oaths are in conflict but Riker With Beard replies that they are not. He says he will serve as a First Officer and will die alongside the crew of the Pagh if they attack the Enterprise but he will not break his oath of loyalty to Starfleet. Uh bruh, wouldn't being a part of an attack against a Starfleet ship be breaking that oath of loyalty to Starfleet?

Apparently this was all some sort of test since Kargan tells him that if Riker had told him the secrets of the Enterprise he'd have labeled Riker With Beard a traitor and killed him then and there but instead Riker will die alongside them "like a Klingon." What in the fuck is this bullshit? None of these interactions make any goddamn sense. I hate this so much.

Back on the Enterprise, Mendon has finally cracked the case and devised a method of removing the space bacteria from the ships. He explains it to Picard who tells him to initiate the procedure and then tells Worf to add the removal method info to the hailing message.

Back on the Pagh, Klag informs Kargan that the Enterprise's hailing message now includes information about how to remove the space bacteria and a promise to assist with repairs. Riker With Beard is like, "See, I told you so!" but Kargan still doesn't believe them and orders the ship to prepare to attack.

Back on the Enterprise, Data tells Picard that since there isn't any debris in the area, "it is reasonable to assume the Klingon vessel is in the area in cloaked," rather than destroyed. He recommends going to red alert and Picard agrees.

Over on the Pagh the anonymous tactics officer informs the crew that the Enterprise has raised its shields. Riker With Beard tells them that this is normal procedure when entering a wacky plot situation and assures them that the Enterprise won't follow first.

Kargan tells him that they are fools then because the Klingons have no such qualms. Riker With Beard tells him that they'll only get one shot though and then recommends Kargan hold off on firing until they are within 40,000 kilometers to "cut down on their response time." Klag asks if he is honoring his promise to serve them and Riker With Beard asks him if he would do less.

Kargan tells Riker With Beard that he will give the order to fire and then ask him if he has any questions. Riker With Beard tells him that he questions Kargan's judgement and says that he thinks Kargan's, "reason for forcing this confrontation is not valid."

Number of fucks Kargan gives about this little rant? ZERO!

He tells Riker With Beard to carry on with the attack as Klag announces that they are 55,000 kilometers from the Enterprise and closing. Riker With Beard takes Chekov's Transponder out of his pocket and begins playing with it in clear sight of Kargan who asks if it's a weapons. Riker tells him it is not as he switches it on. Kargan orders Riker With Beard to give the device to him which he does.

Back on the Enterprise, Worf tells Picard that they are getting an emergency signal from Riker With Beard's transponder and have pinpointed its location. Picard tells O'Brien to lock onto the signal. O'Brien does and tells him that he has to wait until they are in safe distance for a teleportation and that also need to lower the defensive shields to do so.

Picard tells him that they have to know what is going on and since Riker With Beard is the only one who can tell them he wants O'Brien to beam him directly onto the bridge. O'Brien tells him that he'll beam Riker over when they get to 40,000 kilometers. We then get Worf counting down some distances until they hit that magical 40,000 kilometer distance.

Back on the Pagh Klag has also counted down to 40,000 kilometers. Kargan tells the bridge to prepare to drop their cloaking shields and fire at the Enterprise when ready but before that can happen the Enterprise energizes their teleporters and beams Kargan off the Pagh and onto the Enterprise since he was the one holding the transponder.

Riker With Beard tells Klag to hold explaining that he has relieved Captain Kargan for acting a fool and is now acting captain. "Serve this ship as I have!" he says.

On the bridge of the Enterprise, Kargan materializes and asks where he is. Picard explains that the's on the Enterprise which pisses Kargan off. He hollers about Riker With Beard's lack of honor and then pulls out a laser gun and aims at Picard, but Worf puts that motherfucker on blast before Kargan can shoot.

Data checks on him and informs Picard that Kargan is only dazed. Picard doesn't care about that shit though and wants to know where Riker is.

Back on the Pagh, Riker tells the crew to turn off the cloaking shields. The anonymous tactics officer tells him that they will be destroyed if they do but Riker With Beard is like, "If we are it will be in battle and I will die with you, so I repeat, cloaking shields off!"

The Pagh then appears and over on the Enterprise Data tells Picard that the Klingon ship has all its weapons locked on the Enterprise and is ready to fire. Picard gets on the space TV phone and tells the Pagh that they are there to help and pleads with them not to fire.

Kargan tells him smugly, "They will not believe you."

Riker With Beard then appears on the big TV phone and introduces himself as "Captain William Riker With Beard of the Klingon vessel, Pagh." He then orders the Enterprise to lower their shields and surrender immediately. Picard smirks and orders the shields to be lowered. He then tells Riker With Beard that they surrender.

Kargan demands to be beamed back to the Pagh and Picard tells O'Brien to beam back to the Klingon ship. O'Brien beams him away and once he's gone, Picard tells Riker With Beard that the Enterprise can help with the repairs straight away. Riker With Beard thanks him.

Back on the Pagh Kargan returns and tells Riker With Beard, "You should have killed me!" Riker With Beard tells him that he doesn't want Kargan's command and that he can have it back. Kargan tells Riker With Beard to return to his station but Riker With Beard stands there so Kargan backfists him in the face and sends him flying into some steampunk pipes.

Klag goes to check on Riker With Beard and Kargan tells him to get Riker With Beard off his ship. Klag tells him, "Yes Captain," and then tells Riker With Beard that he understands Klingons better than he thought. Riker With Beard thanks him and calls him a friend.

Later in the teleportation chamber, Riker With Beard returns. His face is all fucked up. He says that his time on the Pagh must have been "one of the shortest assignments in the history of Starfleet." Picard tells him that on the contrary, "It was almost the longest." I don't understand what he's implying here but Riker With Beard takes it as a compliment and tells Picard that he learned a lot while serving with the Klingons.

"Apparently not when to duck," mocks Picard.

Riker With Beard tells him, "When not to duck would be more accurate."

Picard tells Worf to take Riker With Beard to sickbay to get his fucked up face checked out by Doctor Grandma.

A moment later out in the hallway, Riker thanks Worf for his little transponder deal and tells him that he comes "from a very brave and unique people," and that he's glad Worf serves on the Enterprise with them. Worf thanks him and welcomes him home to end the episode.

How Rikered Was Riker With Beard
Well, we actually saw him chugging some Klingon brews while in Ten Forward but other than that scene he seemingly had his wits about him thinking on his feet and preventing an international intergalactic incident. That being said, very little of the stuff that came out of his mouth while talking to the Klingons made much sense in the context of the conversation so maybe he was drunk as fuck after all.

Final Thoughts
This was a decent concept and even the overall storyline was fine, but the dialogue was in desperate need of a rewrite. Half the conversations that occurred on the Pagh seemed like they needed like three or four more lines since far too often they were going from like A to B to F and it kind of sucked because of that.

I also thought that the shit with Mendon kind of sucked and not just because it made no sense for him to already be an officer if Wesley's buddy Mordock was the first Benzite to successfully enroll in Starfleet Academy. The character's shtick was super annoying and also the entire "this is the way we do things on the Enterprise" was complete bullshit since never in the history of the show was that how they did things on the Enterprise.

None of this matters though because this is the Star Trek Fuck Report and I am not in the business of watching this program for coherent storytelling. I'm only here for the fucking and outside of the scene where Klingons joked with Riker about whether or he would get wrecked during a threesome with two lady Klingons there was nothing sexy happening at all in this episode. Fuck this episode and fuck this show.

Fuck Count
There was a Klingon lady that implied she'd be willing to fuck Riker and Riker jokingly suggesting that he'd be fine getting fuck-murdered during a threeway with two lady Klingons but due to the timeline of events I don't think either thing came to pass even off camera leaving us, once again, with a completely worthless episode.

Total Fucks for Episode: 0
Total Fucks for Season: 6 (+1~3)
Total Fucks for Series: 12 (+1~3)

That’s why that Kargan dude sounded so familiar when he got shouty.

It could definitely have been read that way or at the very least, hazing of the "new guy." Now that I think of it, Picard kind of treated Wesley Crusher the same way back in Season 1 and was kind of a dick towards Doctor Grandma in her debut episode for not following protocol. it might just be that Picard's a dick towards people he doesn't know that well but once he's comfortable with you you can do whatever the fuck you want.

Jumping in to point out that, if ProBoards is to be believed, this thread has more than 1.6 million views.

Users Online in the Last 24 Hours
6 Staff, 50 Members, 17,120 Guests.

This thread has surpassed 2 million views.

Could please any of you guests, hoping you're not just some bot army gone rogue, just make an account already and tell us what is going on?



Edit: And now it doesn't, back to less spectacular but more reasonable 24k views. We'll never know what internet witchcraft happened here.

Edit II - Electric Botaroo: And as of  January 4th, 9:00 GMT it has over 2 million views again.

As good as "The Measure of a Man" is, part of the basic premise of the episode always bugs the crap out of me, because the whole matter of Data's sentience or not should have been settled when he joined Starfleet. After all, Starfleet doesn't typically allow toasters to join up, take classes, and attain the rank of Lt Commander. And it's not like a Starfleet scientist built Data. Data showed up on their doorstep and requested to join. If Data was Starfleet property, where is their fucking receipt?

Also, having an off switch is even less relevant to the status of sentience than mega-strength. Picard should have brought a Vulcan in to nerve pinch Riker With a Beard and turn him off. What does that prove?

Also, Amanda McBroom who played Picard's sitcom coworker who hate each other yet sometimes they fuck JAG Capt Phillipa Louvois also played the USO performer with the accordion in that one episode of M*A*S*H, who makes Winchester dance to the beer barrel polka and later admit he still has "a roll or two left in his barrel". So I'm pretty sure they fucked. That probably doesn't count for this experiment, but should be of some sort of corollary interest to whoever wants to take on the task of the in-depth analysis of who boned on M*A*S*H.

Beyond "great episode for Acting!, curiously underdeveloped premise, I have not much more to add here but do want to comment in the hopes that we push the comments to start a new page and I don't have to look at Aged Doctor Grandma every time I come to read something here.