Rise of Skywalker Spoiler Thread

Thinking about how that "Evil Rey" pic leaked months ago, obviously a huge plot reveal, and absolutely nobody cared

Do you guys even want Star Wars movies to get better, or do you just want to be right?

I took it as a possible dream sequence or inner battle like Luke on Dagobah. So it may not be a huge plot reveal. Or some of the wild theories could be right and it is a clone of Rey created from the remains of Luke's missing hand...*

*WTF: actually theory that is floating around out there.

I was just giving Froh and Pat shit in the form of hilarious shoutbox callbacks.  This is basically my feelings too.  I'm sure the floor for this is "yea, it was fine", but the inner "young person who actually had the mental space to really CARE about Star Wars" was holding out hope it'd be better than that.

Welp, review headlines don't get more blunt than this:


Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker is what happens when a franchise gives up

Slate tries to top this with: 


The Rise of Skywalker Is So Bad It Actually Makes the Trilogy Worse

Many of the reviews are dropping hints saying Rey's "Your parents were nothing" reveal in TLJ is being reversed. I'm now trying to figure out what I feel the worst possible resolution to that would be.

Edit: This Slate review is by our old friend Sam Adams

For me, its a little of Column A and a little of Column B. I want good Star Wars movies, but its also frustrating to see some of the choices made by people who are being paid a lot of money to deliver something good. Especially when there is already so much source material to work with. 

I feel the same way about Star Trek movies for the most part. There are plenty of good episodes already, just take what worked from one of those.

I mean, you might as well go if you already bought the ticket/made plans.  Even in your post you say it's not like you aren't ever going to go even if the reviews continue to be this poor.

Those days were over for me after Revenge of the Sith. Sometimes I miss the communal experience of seeing it with a bunch of fans all dressed up, but the time and effort just are not worth it anymore. I figure I can probably avoid most major spoilers even if I see it a week later.

I am seeing it tomorrow morning. Kind of excited to find out if it is bad as advertised.

Official spoilers start now, be warned.

When I made my previous fuck this movie post, that was halfway through the movie while I was in the bathroom. Already halfway through I was mentally checked out enough that I decided to go ahead and pee. I almost pissed my pants for MI Fallout because I didnt want to miss a second. Keep in mind Star Wars is my absolute favorite media franchise, since I can remember.

When people said this movie actively made the entire trilogy worse, I thought it was exaggeration. After seeing it? I agree with them. Say what you will about the prequels, how it ruined the mystique of the force, how it made darth vader a whiny kid, etc. The thing though, the prequels werent actively trying to make the OT worse. Rise of the Skywalker purposely undermined Last Jedi. It legit took the whining of fanboys and acquiesced to their complaints.

Last Jedi: Luke throwing the lightsaber away which everyone hated.

Rise of Skywalker: Luke's force ghost catches lightsaber and says that is no way to treat a jedi's weapon.

Last Jedi: No Knights of Ren, where are they?

Rise of Skywalker: Knights of Ren are shown walking on a Star Destroyer and a stormtrooper says this line verbatim "those are the knights of ren, cool" THAT'S AN ACTUAL FUCKING LINE, with no followup!

Last Jedi: The holdo maneuver is stupid, it would never work.

Rise of Skywalker: Poe says it is a once in a million chance.

Last Jedi: Where's the backstory on Snoke.

Rise of Skywalker: Palpatine was making Snokes. Yes, plural. You see tubes of snoke clones.

Last Jedi: Rose is a terrible character.

Rise of Skywalker: She is pretty much sidelined the entire movie, except for the final battle. Where everyone is involved.

Last Jedi: Rey's parents were nobodies.

Rise of Skywalker: Her father was Palpatine's son. She is legit Palpatine's granddaughter. They even had Kylo Ren say "I was right, they are no one, because they didn't want to be anyone and were hiding" They had sold rey on Jakku to hide her.

That last one hurts. Because the biggest takeaway of Last Jedi for me was that you didn't have to be anyone special to be a jedi. It could be anyone who ends up having a connection to the force. Here is this scavenger girl who always dreamed of being a hero, and she did it. She became a jedi who is saving the galaxy. But nah, she is just another one who it is only their genes that makes them special. Fuck off.

Also, Palpatine is fully alive. He has been in hiding this entire time building up a super fleet. Using machines to live. He created snoke, as well as manipulating kylo ren by being the force voices he was hearing the entire time, including pretending to be Vader.

Oh yeah, for those that thought it would be bad if Kylo Ren had redemption. He does. He is "ben" by the end of the movie. During the movie it is shown that Rey was taught how to heal wounds with the force. She heals Kylo Ren after a battle, a battle where Rey was only able to stab him because leia gave her life to use the force to distract Kylo and say "ben". This causes Kylo to rethink everything and become "ben". Later, Rey dies beating Palpatine and "ben" gives his life to resurrect Rey. AND THEY KISS. Fucking dumb.

The kiss at least brings the one piece of consistency to this film. Incest. Because from the books and the oprea scene in sith we can basically infer that palpatine created anakin with the force. Since Rey is his granddaughter, and technically ben is his great grandson.... Ben was macking on his aunt. Star Wars loves it's incest.

Rise of Skywalker just makes Last Jedi depressing to think about now. All that promise wasted, and why? Fanservice for sexist ass, dumbass, can't grow up fanboys. I don't care that it was bad, I care that the reason between story beats was to appease scumbags.

The Thrawn Trilogy is my sequel trilogy.

Oh yeah. Just like how force awakens was a rehash of a new hope. This is basically a rehash of Return. Rey flirts with the darkside like Luke, everything happens because of Palpatine, and there is even a Forest planet.

One last thing, they end up going to this planet for a gps beacon to find palpatine. It turns out that planet just happens to be having a big festival at the time. Basically Star Wars Burning Man. DUMB.

Depends on if she just loves everything star wars or more specifically Last Jedi and like the OT. If the latter, definitely at least a 50% chance of returning.

George would've made a better movie.

I will now list some of the things I liked. While I think this movie is a hot steaming pile of garbage that was made for the sole purpose of undermining the Last Jedi, it is still Star Wars and has some cool things in it.

- Babu Frik is my boy. Just give him and Baby Yoda a sitcom. I will watch the fuck out of it.

- The visuals are cool, the setpiece at the downed death star was awesome, especially that lightsaber fight.

- Even though there is a lot of dumb around the whole Ben Solo stuff, him pulling the lightsaber from his back and giving the little "come on" gesture to the knights of ren was dope.

- Ewoks!

- They somehow got Freddie Prinze Jr into the actual movies. He is one of the Jedi who speaks to Rey. Also, Hayden Christensen! I actually feel really bad for him, because I don't think he is that bad of an actor. I felt he was just fine with facial expressions and the physical parts of acting. He was just having to recite George Lucas dialogue, which is the problem. Natalie Portman is considered a great actress and she was terrible as well. Hayden Christensen is just assumed to have no talent at all, so it is nice seeing him get to come back, even if it is just one or two lines of voice over.