Tellyfier
TI Pariah 
Unwarned and dangerous
Posts: 2,552 
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Post by Tellyfier on Aug 21, 2023 18:13:53 GMT -5
After my wife died I couldn't shower alone for 10 years.
But now I'm out of prison.
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Dellarigg
AV Clubber 
This is a public service announcement - with guitars
Posts: 7,634
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Post by Dellarigg on Aug 22, 2023 2:50:45 GMT -5
It's Edinburgh Fringe time again, with the Top 10 jokes of the festival duly selected. These are never very good, but this year's crop seem particularly crappy, with only nos. 3 and 8 raising a very slight smile. Here they are anyway:
1. I started dating a zookeeper, but it turned out he was a cheetah.
2. The most British thing I’ve ever heard? A lady who said ‘Well I’m sorry, but I don’t apologise.’
3. Last year I had a great joke about inflation. But it’s hardly worth it now.
4. When women gossip we get called bitchy; but when men do it’s called a podcast.
5. I thought I’d start off with a joke about The Titanic – just to break the ice.
6. How do coeliac Germans greet each other? Gluten tag.
7. My friend got locked in a coffee place overnight. Now he only ever goes into Starbucks, not the rivals. He’s Costa-phobic.
8. I entered the ‘How not to surrender’ competition and I won hands down.
9. Nationwide must have looked pretty silly when they opened their first branch.
10. My grandma describes herself as being in her ‘twilight years’ which I love because they’re great films.
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LazBro
Prolific Poster 
Posts: 10,280
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Post by LazBro on Aug 22, 2023 7:09:40 GMT -5
It's Edinburgh Fringe time again, with the Top 10 jokes of the festival duly selected. These are never very good, but this year's crop seem particularly crappy, with only nos. 3 and 8 raising a very slight smile. Here they are anyway: 1. I started dating a zookeeper, but it turned out he was a cheetah. 2. The most British thing I’ve ever heard? A lady who said ‘Well I’m sorry, but I don’t apologise.’ 3. Last year I had a great joke about inflation. But it’s hardly worth it now. 4. When women gossip we get called bitchy; but when men do it’s called a podcast. 5. I thought I’d start off with a joke about The Titanic – just to break the ice. 6. How do coeliac Germans greet each other? Gluten tag. 7. My friend got locked in a coffee place overnight. Now he only ever goes into Starbucks, not the rivals. He’s Costa-phobic. 8. I entered the ‘How not to surrender’ competition and I won hands down. 9. Nationwide must have looked pretty silly when they opened their first branch. 10. My grandma describes herself as being in her ‘twilight years’ which I love because they’re great films. Kinda like 2. |
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Dellarigg
AV Clubber
This is a public service announcement - with guitars
Posts: 7,634
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Post by Dellarigg on Aug 22, 2023 8:54:36 GMT -5
A taxi just charged me fifty quid for a two mile journey to the launderette. I feel like I've been taken to the cleaners.
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Dellarigg
AV Clubber
This is a public service announcement - with guitars
Posts: 7,634
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Post by Dellarigg on Aug 22, 2023 11:04:32 GMT -5
I'm so unfamiliar with the gym that I really should call it the James.
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Crash Test Dumbass
AV Clubber
ffc what now
Posts: 7,058
Gender (additional): mostly snacks
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Post by Crash Test Dumbass on Aug 26, 2023 10:19:26 GMT -5
I asked my German friend if he knew the cube root of 729. He said no.
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Dellarigg
AV Clubber
This is a public service announcement - with guitars
Posts: 7,634
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Post by Dellarigg on Aug 31, 2023 11:44:33 GMT -5
My granddad used to say, 'As one door closes, another one opens.' Lovely man. Rubbish cabinetmaker.
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Post by Dr. Rumak on Sept 7, 2023 15:10:03 GMT -5
I told a few of these jokes on a Zoom call at work. No one laughed. It turns out, they are not even remotely funny.
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Post by Ben Grimm on Sept 7, 2023 19:59:18 GMT -5
My friend keeps trying to cheer me up. He says "It could be worse! You could be standing in a deep hole full of water."
I know he means well.
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Post by Prole Hole on Sept 8, 2023 4:30:09 GMT -5
I told a few of these jokes on a Zoom call at work. No one laughed. It turns out, they are not even remotely funny. It can be two truths! |
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Post by Dr. Rumak on Sept 15, 2023 8:02:38 GMT -5
I just reviewed my camping insurance, and I need to replace it. It turns out with my current policy, if my tent is lost, I am not covered.
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Tellyfier
TI Pariah
Unwarned and dangerous
Posts: 2,552
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Post by Tellyfier on Sept 26, 2023 4:08:02 GMT -5
One for the Brits:
What do you do when a bird shits on your windscreen?
Don't ask her out again.
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Tellyfier
TI Pariah
Unwarned and dangerous
Posts: 2,552
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Post by Tellyfier on Sept 26, 2023 4:14:48 GMT -5
The other day I was tickling my baby brother's feet.
My mom got angry and said "Stop it right now, at least wait until he's born!"
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Tellyfier
TI Pariah
Unwarned and dangerous
Posts: 2,552
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Post by Tellyfier on Sept 26, 2023 4:23:22 GMT -5
What's the difference between three cocks and a joke?
Buns can't take a joke.
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Tellyfier
TI Pariah
Unwarned and dangerous
Posts: 2,552
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Post by Tellyfier on Sept 26, 2023 4:26:36 GMT -5
Why don't girls from Alabama ride reverse cowgirl?
Because you don't turn your back on family.
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Tellyfier
TI Pariah
Unwarned and dangerous
Posts: 2,552
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Post by Tellyfier on Sept 26, 2023 4:45:35 GMT -5
My most cherished childhood memory is building a sandcastle with my grandfather.
That was until my grandma took the urn away.
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Tellyfier
TI Pariah
Unwarned and dangerous
Posts: 2,552
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Post by Tellyfier on Sept 26, 2023 4:54:35 GMT -5
I suspected my wife of cheating, so I asked her if I was the only one.
She said yes, the others are at least 7s or 8s.
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Tellyfier
TI Pariah
Unwarned and dangerous
Posts: 2,552
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Post by Tellyfier on Sept 26, 2023 4:59:07 GMT -5
Yesterday at the playground one of the moms asked me "So which one is yours?"
I said: "Don't know, I haven't decided yet."
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Tellyfier
TI Pariah
Unwarned and dangerous
Posts: 2,552
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Post by Tellyfier on Sept 26, 2023 5:11:29 GMT -5
I was blessed with a nine inch penis.
The priest is in jail now.
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Post by MrsLangdonAlger on Sept 26, 2023 7:18:02 GMT -5
Is it Hack Week or something?
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Tellyfier
TI Pariah
Unwarned and dangerous
Posts: 2,552
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Post by Tellyfier on Sept 26, 2023 7:45:30 GMT -5
Is it Hack Week or something? I will spam here until SOT is reinstated. Please direct all your complaints to the french bastard. |
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Post by MrsLangdonAlger on Sept 26, 2023 7:48:05 GMT -5
Nah, I think I'll keep directing my complaints about "funny" misogyny and rape jokes at you.
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Tellyfier
TI Pariah
Unwarned and dangerous
Posts: 2,552
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Post by Tellyfier on Sept 26, 2023 7:54:50 GMT -5
I'd try jokes about ISIS but they're all about the excution.
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Tellyfier
TI Pariah
Unwarned and dangerous
Posts: 2,552
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Post by Tellyfier on Sept 26, 2023 7:57:12 GMT -5
I went in for a cheap circumsion.
It was a fucking rip off.
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Tellyfier
TI Pariah
Unwarned and dangerous
Posts: 2,552
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Post by Tellyfier on Sept 26, 2023 8:16:51 GMT -5
What has four wheels and flies?
A shopping cart full of dead babies.
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Tellyfier
TI Pariah
Unwarned and dangerous
Posts: 2,552
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Post by Tellyfier on Sept 26, 2023 8:21:55 GMT -5
I took my mother-in-law out last evening.
Being a sniper has its perks.
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Dellarigg
AV Clubber
This is a public service announcement - with guitars
Posts: 7,634
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Post by Dellarigg on Oct 3, 2023 10:13:30 GMT -5
Why do small snails move faster than large ones?
Less cargo.
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Post by Dr. Rumak on Oct 4, 2023 20:44:43 GMT -5
I'm reading a horror book in Braille.
Something bad is going to happen.
I can feel it.
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Dellarigg
AV Clubber
This is a public service announcement - with guitars
Posts: 7,634
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Post by Dellarigg on Oct 14, 2023 8:12:41 GMT -5
My wife is kicking me out because I keep going on about South American animals. 'Okay,' I said, 'Alpaca my bags.'
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Post by songstarliner on Oct 15, 2023 8:56:15 GMT -5
My wife is kicking me out because I keep going on about South American animals. 'Okay,' I said, 'Alpaca my bags.' Awful. |
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