Crash Test Dumbass
AV Clubber 
ffc what now
Posts: 7,058
Gender (additional): mostly snacks
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Post by Crash Test Dumbass on Mar 3, 2020 9:43:39 GMT -5
Do we already have one of these? I don't care.
A man leads his horse into a pub, where the stereotypical Irish bartender gives him a funny look. "My horse", says the man, "can tell your age, just by smelling you."
"Oi'll bet ye a pint he cen't", says the bartender.
The horse goes up to the bartender and takes a deep whiff, and then proceeds to break wind, loudly and tremendously. Another quick sniff, and the horse rears up, stamping his forelegs on the ground, one after the other.
The bartender drops the glass he was polishing. "Faith and/or begorrah, the harse is roight!", he says. "Oim farty-two!"
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Post by Dr. Rumak on Mar 4, 2020 6:56:33 GMT -5
Q: How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Two, but I have no idea how they got in the lightbulb.
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Post by Prole Hole on Mar 4, 2020 7:11:03 GMT -5
Why did the scarecrow win a Nobel prize?
Because he was out standing in his field.
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Ben Grimm
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Post by Ben Grimm on Mar 4, 2020 7:52:31 GMT -5
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Post by 🔪 silly buns on Mar 4, 2020 8:05:09 GMT -5
*shakes head at everyone's terrible, terrible joke*....you all must be shown.....the door!  |
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Dellarigg
AV Clubber
This is a public service announcement - with guitars
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Post by Dellarigg on Mar 4, 2020 8:24:22 GMT -5
Did you read about the new corduroy pillowcases? They're making all the headlines.
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Post by songstarliner on Mar 4, 2020 8:55:29 GMT -5
What do you call a masturbating cow?
Beef Stroganoff.
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Post by Prole Hole on Mar 4, 2020 8:57:32 GMT -5
How does Bob Marley like his doughnuts?
Wi' jam in.
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Dellarigg
AV Clubber
This is a public service announcement - with guitars
Posts: 7,634
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Post by Dellarigg on Mar 4, 2020 9:02:17 GMT -5
There was a man whose wife was always on at him to get a vasectomy. Vasectomy, vasectomy, vasectomy, that's all he heard, all day. Finally he said, 'Well, let's get the family in and we'll have a vote on it.' So they got all the kids together and had the vote. He lost 15 to 14.
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LazBro
Prolific Poster 
Posts: 10,280
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Post by LazBro on Mar 4, 2020 9:05:15 GMT -5
What do you call a masturbating cow?
Beef Stroganoff.
This is profoundly excellent. |
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Post by Pastafarian on Mar 4, 2020 11:33:31 GMT -5
This thread is making me miss my TOC gimmick account of the Tired Hacky Comedian Who Firsties Open For.
...but seriously folks.
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Post by Prole Hole on Mar 5, 2020 11:46:22 GMT -5
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three. The left ear, the right ear and the final front ear.
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Post by 🔪 silly buns on Mar 5, 2020 11:55:47 GMT -5
How many ears does Captain Kirk have? Three. The left ear, the right ear and the final front ear.  |
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Trurl
Shoutbox Elitist 
Posts: 7,697
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Post by Trurl on Mar 5, 2020 12:03:45 GMT -5
Judge: I'm sorry Mr. Mouse, I can't grant you a divorce just because your wife has a mental illness.
Mickey: I didn't say she was crazy, I said she was fucking Goofy!
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Crash Test Dumbass
AV Clubber
ffc what now
Posts: 7,058
Gender (additional): mostly snacks
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Post by Crash Test Dumbass on Mar 5, 2020 12:08:07 GMT -5
DR. WERNER HEISENBERG gets pulled over.
COP: Do you know how fast you were going?
WH: No, but I know exactly where I am!
(alternate ending)
COP: Our radar put you at 95 miles an hour.
WH: Well fuck, now I'm lost!
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monodrone
Prolific Poster
Come To Brazil
Posts: 2,565
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Post by monodrone on Mar 5, 2020 12:38:39 GMT -5
I was reading about James Murphy from LCD Soundsystem earlier. Apparently he's having a land dispute with a neighbour over a boundary of closely growing shrubs.
He's losing his hedge.
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Post by Dr. Rumak on Mar 5, 2020 16:38:50 GMT -5
Communist jokes are the best to tell, because everybody gets them.
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Post by MrsLangdonAlger on Mar 6, 2020 9:50:32 GMT -5
This man goes to his doctor and says "doctor, doctor! You gotta help me! I can't sleep anymore, I keep having these dreams! One night I dream I'm a teepee, and the next I dream I'm a wigwam!"
The doctor says "you gotta relax. You're two tents".
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Post by Floyd Diabolical Barber on Mar 7, 2020 12:53:24 GMT -5
How do you catch a unique rabbit?
Unique up on it!
***************
How do you catch a tame rabbit?
The tame way!
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Post by MyNameIsNoneOfYourGoddamnBusin on Mar 7, 2020 12:56:18 GMT -5
DR. WERNER HEISENBERG gets pulled over. COP: Do you know how fast you were going? WH: No, but I know exactly where I am! (alternate ending) COP: Our radar put you at 95 miles an hour. WH: Well fuck, now I'm lost! I have what I guess is a variation on this where I tell people I'm shopping for a new car and looking at a model called the Heisenberg. But the only problem the GPS and the speedometer won't work at the same time. No one ever has understood what I'm talking about. |
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Post by Prole Hole on Mar 7, 2020 14:48:28 GMT -5
I worry about the Gregorian calendar. I hear it's days are numbered.
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Post by WKRP Jimmy Drop on Mar 7, 2020 16:02:57 GMT -5
How many Marxists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None. The dead bulb holds the seeds of its own revolution.
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Post by Mr. Greene's October Surprise on Mar 7, 2020 18:28:29 GMT -5
Why was Michael Caine unhappy that his mistress had oral sex with the Maharajah of Balsoom, the Dorsoff of Bulgaria, and the Pontipee of Utraland?
Because "you were only supposed to blow the bloody Dorsoff!"
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Post by ganews on Mar 9, 2020 10:57:40 GMT -5
A chess convention was being held in a hotel ballroom and all the attendees were standing around between sessions arguing in favor of their preferred strategies. The hotel manger looked on with disgust and told a bellhop over to disperse the crowd.
The bellhop asked, "Why? They aren't hurting anyone."
The manager replied, "Because, I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
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Post by Liz n Dicksgiving on Mar 11, 2020 8:17:13 GMT -5
Schroedinger was speeding down the highway when he got pulled over. The patrolperson thought he looked particularly nervous, so they decided to do a thorough search of his car. They looked in the front, in the back seat, and then asked him to open the trunk.
After looking in the trunk, the patrolperson came back and said, "Sir, were you aware there is a dead cat in your trunk?"
And Schroedinger threw his hands up, "Well I am now!"
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Post by The Stuffingtacular She-Hulk on Mar 11, 2020 8:54:28 GMT -5
I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking”.
Apparently, the correct terms are “Cremation” and “Burial”.
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Ben Grimm
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Post by Ben Grimm on Mar 14, 2020 7:37:26 GMT -5
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Post by Dr. Rumak on Mar 15, 2020 11:05:31 GMT -5
I spent the day hard at work trading currencies, and now I’ve got a yen for some Japanese food.
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Ben Grimm
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Post by Ben Grimm on Mar 17, 2020 20:21:32 GMT -5
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Post by Nudeviking on Mar 17, 2020 21:00:40 GMT -5
Q: What dinosaur can you never hear when it's using the bathroom?
A: A Pterodactyl...The p(ee) is silent.
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