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Post by Prole Hole on Mar 18, 2020 2:06:57 GMT -5
What wine do horses drink?
Chardon-neigh.
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Tellyfier
TI Pariah 
Unwarned and dangerous
Posts: 2,552 
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Post by Tellyfier on Mar 18, 2020 4:15:46 GMT -5
Q: Isn't there anything that moves you?
A: Why yes, the tram!
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Crash Test Dumbass
AV Clubber 
ffc what now
Posts: 7,058
Gender (additional): mostly snacks
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Post by Crash Test Dumbass on Mar 19, 2020 12:47:48 GMT -5
PATIENT: Doc, this is bad, I think I've gone deaf in my right ear. I put my hearing aid in this morning and it hasn't helped at all.
DOCTOR: Well, let me take a look.
DOCTOR: -examines-
DOCTOR: It looks like you have a suppository stuck in your ear?
PATIENT: Well, at least now I know where my hearing aid went!
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Post by 🔪 silly buns on Mar 19, 2020 12:59:17 GMT -5
Look how sad your terrible jokes made this kitten...LOOK!
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Crash Test Dumbass
AV Clubber
ffc what now
Posts: 7,058
Gender (additional): mostly snacks
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Post by Crash Test Dumbass on Mar 19, 2020 13:44:17 GMT -5
Look how sad your terrible jokes made this kitten...LOOK! I'm sorry kitten. This terrible joke thread is helping me keep my sanity. |
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Dellarigg
AV Clubber
This is a public service announcement - with guitars
Posts: 7,634
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Post by Dellarigg on Mar 20, 2020 3:01:57 GMT -5
Somebody asked me to describe myself in three words the other day. I replied, 'Not good with numbers.'
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Tellyfier
TI Pariah
Unwarned and dangerous
Posts: 2,552
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Post by Tellyfier on Mar 20, 2020 4:31:45 GMT -5
How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas?
He felt his presents.
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Post by Dr. Rumak on Mar 20, 2020 8:38:42 GMT -5
Somebody asked me to describe myself in three words the other day. I replied, 'Not good with numbers.' That reminds me of the time we were studying the letter “C”, and the teacher called on me and asked me to name something I wasn’t good at that started with that letter, and I said “Spelling”. |
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Crash Test Dumbass
AV Clubber
ffc what now
Posts: 7,058
Gender (additional): mostly snacks
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Post by Crash Test Dumbass on Mar 21, 2020 13:38:57 GMT -5
What kind of jokes do the CDC recommend you tell during the time of COVID-19?
Inside jokes!
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Post by 🔪 silly buns on Mar 21, 2020 15:27:00 GMT -5
What kind of jokes do the CDC recommend you tell during the time of COVID-19? Inside jokes!  |
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Post by Ben Grimm on Mar 23, 2020 19:15:10 GMT -5
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Dellarigg
AV Clubber
This is a public service announcement - with guitars
Posts: 7,634
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Post by Dellarigg on Mar 25, 2020 14:21:18 GMT -5
I wrote a book about poltergeists. It flew off the shelves.
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Post by Albert Fish Taco on Mar 25, 2020 14:35:43 GMT -5
At this point I'd like to remind folks it's inappropriate to tell Dad jokes if you're not actually someone's father.
Frankly, it's kind of a Faux Pa.
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Post by Pastafarian on Mar 25, 2020 14:45:06 GMT -5
Did you hear the one about the lady who farted in a barrel?
If you were in the barrel you'd have heard it!
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Post by Albert Fish Taco on Mar 25, 2020 14:48:08 GMT -5
What's the difference between a saloon and an elephant's fart?
Well a saloon is a bar room, and an elephant's fart is BAROOOOMMMMMM!!!!
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Crash Test Dumbass
AV Clubber
ffc what now
Posts: 7,058
Gender (additional): mostly snacks
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Post by Crash Test Dumbass on Mar 26, 2020 13:19:18 GMT -5
PIRATE CREW: Captain, the cannons be ready.
CAPTAIN PEDANT: Are.
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Dellarigg
AV Clubber
This is a public service announcement - with guitars
Posts: 7,634
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Post by Dellarigg on Mar 26, 2020 14:17:21 GMT -5
I started a trampoline business. It's up and down.
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Tellyfier
TI Pariah
Unwarned and dangerous
Posts: 2,552
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Post by Tellyfier on Apr 1, 2020 5:41:59 GMT -5
I'd put a communist joke in here but it's not funny unless everyone gets it.
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Post by Dr. Rumak on Apr 1, 2020 6:10:37 GMT -5
Communist jokes are the best to tell, because everybody gets them. I'd put a communist joke in here but it's not funny unless everyone gets it. |
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Tellyfier
TI Pariah
Unwarned and dangerous
Posts: 2,552
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Post by Tellyfier on Apr 1, 2020 6:25:00 GMT -5
Communist jokes are the best to tell, because everybody gets them. I'd put a communist joke in here but it's not funny unless everyone gets it. You expect me to read these? |
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LazBro
Prolific Poster 
Posts: 10,278
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Post by LazBro on Apr 2, 2020 20:04:42 GMT -5
Did you hear that Finland closed their borders due to COVID-19? Yeah, now there's no one crossing the Finnish line.
(via Mrs. Snape and the internet)
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Tellyfier
TI Pariah
Unwarned and dangerous
Posts: 2,552
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Post by Tellyfier on Apr 6, 2020 8:11:02 GMT -5
Where do arsonists meet?
On cinder!
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Post by Ben Grimm on Apr 6, 2020 8:20:58 GMT -5
Where do arsonists meet? On cinder! Tinder works at least as well. |
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Crash Test Dumbass
AV Clubber
ffc what now
Posts: 7,058
Gender (additional): mostly snacks
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Post by Crash Test Dumbass on Apr 6, 2020 9:13:09 GMT -5
The voice comes into David's head.
SELL EVERYTHING YOU OWN AND GO TO VEGAS
Day after day, David keeps hearing it in his head.
SELL EVERYTHING YOU OWN AND GO TO VEGAS
He tries to block it out, but it keeps repeating the same thing over and over. SELL EVERYTHING YOU OWN AND GO TO VEGAS
Finally, he has enough and can no longer resist the voice. Over the next couple of days, he sells his house, his car, and everything he has except the clothes on his back, and books a flight to Las Vegas. Upon his arrival in Vegas, he hears the voice again. TAKE EVERYTHING TO THE LUXOR CASINO David hails a cab and enters the casino. GO TO THE FIFTH ROULETTE WHEEL WITH A CROUPIER NAMED HELEN WEARING A RED FLOWER With those surprisingly accurate directions, David sits at the wheel. The croupier asks his bet. BET IT ALL ON 23 RED STRAIGHT UP
David blanches slightly. BET IT ALL ON 23 RED STRAIGHT UP "OK..." he says, and does so. 23 Red! His bet comes in at 35 to 1! BET IT AGAIN ON 36 RED STRAIGHT UP David moves the bet over, and the croupier spins again: 36 Red! David's entire life savings, everything he'd worked for his entire life, is now worth over 1,000 times what it was this morning! BET IT AGAIN ON 13 BLACK STRAIGHT UP David eagerly moves his chips to 13 Black. The croupier spins again: Double 0, Green. The voice says: ...SHIT
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Tellyfier
TI Pariah
Unwarned and dangerous
Posts: 2,552
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Post by Tellyfier on Apr 7, 2020 12:32:24 GMT -5
The voice comes into David's head.
SELL EVERYTHING YOU OWN AND GO TO VEGAS
Day after day, David keeps hearing it in his head.
SELL EVERYTHING YOU OWN AND GO TO VEGAS
He tries to block it out, but it keeps repeating the same thing over and over. SELL EVERYTHING YOU OWN AND GO TO VEGAS
Finally, he has enough and can no longer resist the voice. Over the next couple of days, he sells his house, his car, and everything he has except the clothes on his back, and books a flight to Las Vegas. Upon his arrival in Vegas, he hears the voice again. TAKE EVERYTHING TO THE LUXOR CASINO David hails a cab and enters the casino. GO TO THE FIFTH ROULETTE WHEEL WITH A CROUPIER NAMED HELEN WEARING A RED FLOWER With those surprisingly accurate directions, David sits at the wheel. The croupier asks his bet. BET IT ALL ON 23 RED STRAIGHT UP
David blanches slightly. BET IT ALL ON 23 RED STRAIGHT UP "OK..." he says, and does so. 23 Red! His bet comes in at 35 to 1! BET IT AGAIN ON 36 RED STRAIGHT UP David moves the bet over, and the croupier spins again: 36 Red! David's entire life savings, everything he'd worked for his entire life, is now worth over 1,000 times what it was this morning! BET IT AGAIN ON 13 BLACK STRAIGHT UP David eagerly moves his chips to 13 Black. The croupier spins again: Double 0, Green. The voice says: ...SHIT
As a Gambling Man, I have to call bullshit on this one. When David won the first time at Roulette, he had won 35 times of what he bet, not a thousand times. |
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Crash Test Dumbass
AV Clubber
ffc what now
Posts: 7,058
Gender (additional): mostly snacks
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Post by Crash Test Dumbass on Apr 7, 2020 14:37:54 GMT -5
The voice comes into David's head.
SELL EVERYTHING YOU OWN AND GO TO VEGAS
Day after day, David keeps hearing it in his head.
SELL EVERYTHING YOU OWN AND GO TO VEGAS
He tries to block it out, but it keeps repeating the same thing over and over. SELL EVERYTHING YOU OWN AND GO TO VEGAS
Finally, he has enough and can no longer resist the voice. Over the next couple of days, he sells his house, his car, and everything he has except the clothes on his back, and books a flight to Las Vegas. Upon his arrival in Vegas, he hears the voice again. TAKE EVERYTHING TO THE LUXOR CASINO David hails a cab and enters the casino. GO TO THE FIFTH ROULETTE WHEEL WITH A CROUPIER NAMED HELEN WEARING A RED FLOWER With those surprisingly accurate directions, David sits at the wheel. The croupier asks his bet. BET IT ALL ON 23 RED STRAIGHT UP
David blanches slightly. BET IT ALL ON 23 RED STRAIGHT UP "OK..." he says, and does so. 23 Red! His bet comes in at 35 to 1! BET IT AGAIN ON 36 RED STRAIGHT UP David moves the bet over, and the croupier spins again: 36 Red! David's entire life savings, everything he'd worked for his entire life, is now worth over 1,000 times what it was this morning! BET IT AGAIN ON 13 BLACK STRAIGHT UP David eagerly moves his chips to 13 Black. The croupier spins again: Double 0, Green. The voice says: ...SHIT
As a Gambling Man, I have to call bullshit on this one. When David won the first time at Roulette, he had won 35 times of what he bet, not a thousand times. Yes, he won twice. 35 to 1, and then 35 to 1 again, and 35 x 35 is 1,225. Yes, I expect you to read these.
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Post by Dr. Rumak on Apr 7, 2020 14:51:57 GMT -5
You expect me to read these? Yes, I expect you to read these. |
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Crash Test Dumbass
AV Clubber
ffc what now
Posts: 7,058
Gender (additional): mostly snacks
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Post by Crash Test Dumbass on Apr 7, 2020 17:50:41 GMT -5
You expect me to read these? Yes, I expect you to read these. See, this guy gets it. |
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Tellyfier
TI Pariah
Unwarned and dangerous
Posts: 2,552
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Post by Tellyfier on Apr 8, 2020 1:34:43 GMT -5
You expect me to not be drunk of my ass when reading these? |
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Crash Test Dumbass
AV Clubber
ffc what now
Posts: 7,058
Gender (additional): mostly snacks
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Post by Crash Test Dumbass on Apr 8, 2020 13:59:00 GMT -5
You expect me to not be drunk of my ass when reading these? WELL, I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR EVERYBODY |
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