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Post by Dr. Rumak on May 28, 2022 20:38:08 GMT -5
I spotted an albino Dalmatian today. Now everyone will know its a Dalmatian.
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Crash Test Dumbass
AV Clubber 
ffc what now
Posts: 7,058
Gender (additional): mostly snacks
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Post by Crash Test Dumbass on Jun 7, 2022 13:49:48 GMT -5
DAVID: Hi, can I start a tab?
BARTENDER: Sure, I'll need your ID and a credit card.
DAV: Great, here you go.
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Post by Dr. Rumak on Jun 8, 2022 11:58:15 GMT -5
Someone glued my deck of cards together.
I'm having trouble dealing with it.
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Post by chalkdevil 😈 on Jun 9, 2022 10:59:26 GMT -5
What's a pirate's favorite letter?
Everyone: Aaaarrr!
You'd think, but it 'tis the sea that he loves.
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Dellarigg
AV Clubber
This is a public service announcement - with guitars
Posts: 7,638 
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Post by Dellarigg on Jun 10, 2022 6:20:20 GMT -5
I've just got back from the library. Some people were throwing Stephen King books around in there. I couldn't work out why, but then It hit me.
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Post by Ben Grimm on Jun 16, 2022 18:09:40 GMT -5
"You have a reminder set for 5pm today," my phone said.
"A reminder? What is it?" I asked.
"It's a notification to ensure you don't forget something, but that's not important right now," the phone replied.
Then I remembered I'd left it in Airplane mode.
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Dellarigg
AV Clubber
This is a public service announcement - with guitars
Posts: 7,638
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Post by Dellarigg on Jun 17, 2022 1:09:59 GMT -5
6.30 is the best time on a clock, hands down.
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Dellarigg
AV Clubber
This is a public service announcement - with guitars
Posts: 7,638
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Post by Dellarigg on Jun 17, 2022 3:48:36 GMT -5
6.30 is the best time on a clock, hands down. Of course, some might say 12 is better. Hands up, who agrees? |
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Post by 🔪 silly buns on Jun 17, 2022 9:25:04 GMT -5
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Crash Test Dumbass
AV Clubber
ffc what now
Posts: 7,058
Gender (additional): mostly snacks
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Post by Crash Test Dumbass on Jun 21, 2022 8:40:38 GMT -5
I rushed to the emergency room after accidentally swallowing a bottle of food coloring. The doctors said I'll be fine, but to be honest I feel like I've dyed a little inside.
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Post by pantsgoblin on Jun 28, 2022 10:26:04 GMT -5
I rushed to the emergency room after accidentally swallowing a bottle of food coloring. The doctors said I'll be fine, but to be honest I feel like I've dyed a little inside. But are you feeling blue, green around the gills, or like some mauve asshole (regionalism)? |
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Post by William T. Goat, Esq. on Jun 29, 2022 21:01:46 GMT -5
Tonight at Scrabble Club, we had a new player. He was here last week to check it out, but this week he paid the fee to play, and brought his own newly-bought Scrabble board, with a set of wooden tiles still wrapped in plastic. At some point during the first game, he dropped a tile on the floor. He couldn't find it. That's a serious matter to Scrabble players! Everyone else paused their games and tried to help him find it. We moved the chairs and tables around, we suggested he check his pant leg and his shoes. Nothing. For the rest of the night, he played with a spare set of tiles borrowed from another player who had brought an extra board. But for the rest of the night, people kept taking a moment to turn on the flashlight app on their phones and scan the floor. As one player put it--I kid you not--"It's all fun and games until someone loses an I." |
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Post by 🔪 silly buns on Jul 6, 2022 12:24:51 GMT -5
Why doesn't fire have off for the 4th of July? Because fireworks.  |
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Post by Prole Hole on Jul 8, 2022 9:30:53 GMT -5
Why doesn't fire have off for the 4th of July? Because fireworks. cateyeroll.gif (alright, I'm secretly proud of you) |
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Post by Ben Grimm on Jul 14, 2022 7:56:44 GMT -5
A man with no arms went to a monastery to apply for a job as a bell ringer.
The monk told him but sir, you have no arms, how will you ring the bell?
The man said, "Just lead me to the bell, and I'll show you."
So they walked up the long stairwell that led to the top of the belfry. Once at the top, the man walked over to the bell to get a good look at it. He then proceeded back up against the furthest wall and leapt into a sprint, face first into the bell.
He plummeted 65 feet below to his death. Tragically, no sound came from the bell.
When the police arrived an hour later, they asked the monk if he knew the man.
The monk simply said, "No. His face doesn't ring a bell either."
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Post by Dr. Rumak on Jul 14, 2022 12:31:25 GMT -5
Why did the man who invented the Ferris Wheel never get the chance to meet the man who invented the Carousel?
Because they travelled in difference circles.
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Crash Test Dumbass
AV Clubber
ffc what now
Posts: 7,058
Gender (additional): mostly snacks
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Post by Crash Test Dumbass on Jul 20, 2022 15:32:31 GMT -5
The inventor of autocorrect died.
His funnel is tomato.
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Post by Ben Grimm on Jul 21, 2022 13:29:57 GMT -5
16 atoms of Sodium walk into a bar, followed by Batman.
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Post by 🔪 silly buns on Jul 26, 2022 9:02:00 GMT -5
16 atoms of Sodium walk into a bar, followed by Batman. Okay. I need someone to explain this to me...I feel dumb.  |
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Post by Ben Grimm on Jul 26, 2022 9:10:50 GMT -5
16 atoms of Sodium walk into a bar, followed by Batman. Okay. I need someone to explain this to me...I feel dumb. What's the atomic symbol for Sodium? |
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Post by 🔪 silly buns on Jul 26, 2022 9:14:29 GMT -5
Okay. I need someone to explain this to me...I feel dumb. What's the atomic symbol for Sodium?  |
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Post by Prole Hole on Jul 26, 2022 10:37:17 GMT -5
What's the atomic symbol for Sodium? "Did you get the joke Bunz?" "Na" |
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Dellarigg
AV Clubber
This is a public service announcement - with guitars
Posts: 7,638
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Post by Dellarigg on Jul 26, 2022 11:58:19 GMT -5
I didn't get it either, and it took me ages to get the albino dalmation one at the top of the page. I was, of course, much happier when I didn't get them.
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LazBro
Prolific Poster 
Posts: 10,281
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Post by LazBro on Jul 26, 2022 15:22:01 GMT -5
What's the difference between a dog and a marine biologist?
One wags a tail, and the other tags a whale.
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LazBro
Prolific Poster
Posts: 10,281
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Post by LazBro on Aug 2, 2022 10:45:33 GMT -5
Did you know that bees are allergic to pollen?
Every time they encounter it, they develop hives.
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Crash Test Dumbass
AV Clubber
ffc what now
Posts: 7,058
Gender (additional): mostly snacks
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Post by Crash Test Dumbass on Aug 6, 2022 10:13:16 GMT -5
Archaeologists have just unearthed a dinosaur fart.
It was a real blast from the past.
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Post by Dr. Rumak on Aug 10, 2022 16:23:19 GMT -5
When you pass away, which part of your body is last to enter the afterlife?
Your pupils. They dilate.
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Crash Test Dumbass
AV Clubber
ffc what now
Posts: 7,058
Gender (additional): mostly snacks
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Post by Crash Test Dumbass on Aug 12, 2022 9:32:32 GMT -5
What's the wind's favorite color?
Blew.
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Post by Ben Grimm on Aug 12, 2022 10:17:21 GMT -5
What's the wind's favorite color? Blew. That's not what I red. |
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Dellarigg
AV Clubber
This is a public service announcement - with guitars
Posts: 7,638
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Post by Dellarigg on Aug 22, 2022 6:32:42 GMT -5
The Edinburgh Fringe has selected this as the best one-liner of the festival:
'I tried to steal spaghetti from the shop, but the female guard saw me and I couldn’t get pasta.'
Standards must've slipped; I prefer this one from a few years ago, mentioned in the same article:
'My dad suggested I register for a donor card. He’s a man after my own heart.'
It's made funnier by the teller actually having a Red Bull inspired heart attack the next day. Anyway, here's this year's Top 10 and the % of votes cast:
1. I tried to steal spaghetti from the shop, but the female guard saw me and I couldn’t get pasta – Masai Graham (52%)
2. Did you know, if you get pregnant in the Amazon, it’s next day delivery? – Mark Simmons (37%)
3. My attempts to combine nitrous oxide and Oxo cubes made me a laughing stock – Olaf Falafel (36%)
4. By my age, my parents had a house and a family, and to be fair to me, so do I, but it is the same house and the same family – Hannah Fairweather (35%)
5. I hate funerals. I’m not a mourning person – Will Mars (34%)
6. I spent the whole morning building a time machine, so that’s four hours of my life that I’m definitely getting back – Olaf Falafel (33%)
7. I sent a food parcel to my first wife. FedEx – Richard Pulsford (29%)
8. I used to live hand to mouth. Do you know what changed my life? Cutlery – Tim Vine (28%)
9. Don’t knock threesomes. Having a threesome is like hiring an intern to do all the jobs you hate – Sophie Duker (27%)
10. I can’t even be bothered to be apathetic these days – Will Duggan (25%)
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