Crash Test Dumbass
AV Clubber 
ffc what now
Posts: 7,058
Gender (additional): mostly snacks
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Post by Crash Test Dumbass on Dec 3, 2021 9:34:58 GMT -5
What weighs more, a gallon of water or a gallon of butane?
Water, because butane is a lighter fluid.
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Post by Ben Grimm on Dec 6, 2021 9:05:28 GMT -5
The Mission San Gabriel Arcángel was founded in 1771; it was the first mission in what is now Los Angeles County, and as a result, the LA County board of supervisors decided to commemorate the 250th anniversary of the mission's founding with a celebration of Los Angeles, both the city and the county. One of the central uniting aspects of this celebration was a new typeface they were going to debut called Los Angeles; this was going to become the official typeface of not only the celebration, but all government business in both the county and city, and they were going to encourage local businesses to use it as well (free of charge, of course) in order to present a united image. The county had spent a fairly significant sum on development of the font, both to provide something distinctive and something that would scale well in modern software, plus present the kind of hip and sunny image they liked to display to the world. The board of supervisors had planned a massive rollout of the new font for September 8, 2021, the 250th anniversary date of the mission's founding, and had decorated the board's meeting room with examples of the typeface - not just the typography, but its use in some tourism posters and official business. The wildfires of 2021, plus the ongoing pandemic, however, ended up delaying the rollout, and the board meeting that was supposed to be a celebration of the typeface ended up being a somber, low-key affair instead, as the board was determined to ignore the LA font in the room.
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Post by 🔪 silly buns on Dec 6, 2021 16:35:33 GMT -5
Sucks you have to learn everything by your second rodeo.
(- paraphrasing of silly joke I just saw on twitter that made me chortle.)
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GumTurkeyles
AV Clubber
$10 down, $10 a month, don't you be a turkey
Posts: 3,065 
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Post by GumTurkeyles on Dec 7, 2021 7:32:27 GMT -5
In teaching my 3 year old the classic "tooth hurty" joke, she had the punchline down, but wasn't repeating the setup "when is it time to go to the dentist?" She just keeps saying two thirty. So I had her repeat after me word by word. She did it. Then I had her say the full thing. She correctly asks "when is it time to go to the dentist". I ask her when. She proudly says "eight o-clock!"
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Post by Lurky McLurk on Dec 7, 2021 9:20:32 GMT -5
The Mission San Gabriel Arcángel was founded in 1771; it was the first mission in what is now Los Angeles County, and as a result, the LA County board of supervisors decided to commemorate the 250th anniversary of the mission's founding with a celebration of Los Angeles, both the city and the county. One of the central uniting aspects of this celebration was a new typeface they were going to debut called Los Angeles; this was going to become the official typeface of not only the celebration, but all government business in both the county and city, and they were going to encourage local businesses to use it as well (free of charge, of course) in order to present a united image. The county had spent a fairly significant sum on development of the font, both to provide something distinctive and something that would scale well in modern software, plus present the kind of hip and sunny image they liked to display to the world. The board of supervisors had planned a massive rollout of the new font for September 8, 2021, the 250th anniversary date of the mission's founding, and had decorated the board's meeting room with examples of the typeface - not just the typography, but its use in some tourism posters and official business. The wildfires of 2021, plus the ongoing pandemic, however, ended up delaying the rollout, and the board meeting that was supposed to be a celebration of the typeface ended up being a somber, low-key affair instead, as the board was determined to ignore the LA font in the room. *applauds* That joke is truly terrible. Well done. |
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Post by Prole Hole on Dec 7, 2021 18:27:34 GMT -5
The Mission San Gabriel Arcángel was founded in 1771; it was the first mission in what is now Los Angeles County, and as a result, the LA County board of supervisors decided to commemorate the 250th anniversary of the mission's founding with a celebration of Los Angeles, both the city and the county. One of the central uniting aspects of this celebration was a new typeface they were going to debut called Los Angeles; this was going to become the official typeface of not only the celebration, but all government business in both the county and city, and they were going to encourage local businesses to use it as well (free of charge, of course) in order to present a united image. The county had spent a fairly significant sum on development of the font, both to provide something distinctive and something that would scale well in modern software, plus present the kind of hip and sunny image they liked to display to the world. The board of supervisors had planned a massive rollout of the new font for September 8, 2021, the 250th anniversary date of the mission's founding, and had decorated the board's meeting room with examples of the typeface - not just the typography, but its use in some tourism posters and official business. The wildfires of 2021, plus the ongoing pandemic, however, ended up delaying the rollout, and the board meeting that was supposed to be a celebration of the typeface ended up being a somber, low-key affair instead, as the board was determined to ignore the LA font in the room. Here is your Eurobox Honourary membership card. Treat it with respect, and bang someone's mom. |
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Post by songstarliner on Dec 7, 2021 21:14:35 GMT -5
In teaching my 3 year old the classic "tooth hurty" joke, she had the punchline down, but wasn't repeating the setup "when is it time to go to the dentist?" She just keeps saying two thirty. So I had her repeat after me word by word. She did it. Then I had her say the full thing. She correctly asks "when is it time to go to the dentist". I ask her when. She proudly says "eight o-clock!" When my kiddo was 3, he loved 'what's up? chicken butt!' soooo much, but didn't quite get the joke: Kiddo: What's up?! Me: What?
Kiddo: Chicken Ankle!!
Me: *dies laughing, posts it on a message board 15 years later*
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GumTurkeyles
AV Clubber
$10 down, $10 a month, don't you be a turkey
Posts: 3,065
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Post by GumTurkeyles on Dec 8, 2021 7:21:07 GMT -5
In teaching my 3 year old the classic "tooth hurty" joke, she had the punchline down, but wasn't repeating the setup "when is it time to go to the dentist?" She just keeps saying two thirty. So I had her repeat after me word by word. She did it. Then I had her say the full thing. She correctly asks "when is it time to go to the dentist". I ask her when. She proudly says "eight o-clock!" When my kiddo was 3, he loved 'what's up? chicken butt!' soooo much, but didn't quite get the joke: Kiddo: What's up?! Me: What?
Kiddo: Chicken Ankle!!
Me: *dies laughing, posts it on a message board 15 years later*
I love it! |
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Post by Albert Fish Taco on Dec 13, 2021 21:54:08 GMT -5
When an Italian baker drops a whole tray of pastries, I cannoli imagine his dismay. That joke went over like a lead zeppole. |
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Tellyfier
TI Pariah 
Unwarned and dangerous
Posts: 2,552
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Post by Tellyfier on Dec 22, 2021 7:41:38 GMT -5
Who was Skyrim's most famous author?
Fus Roald Dahl
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Post by Albert Fish Taco on Dec 22, 2021 12:07:28 GMT -5
Why do Blitzen and Rudolph drink coffee?
Because they're Santa's star bucks.
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Dellarigg
AV Clubber
This is a public service announcement - with guitars
Posts: 7,640
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Post by Dellarigg on Dec 29, 2021 5:07:35 GMT -5
My dog ate a whole load of Scrabble tiles yesterday. I took him to the vet, but no word yet.
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Post by Dr. Rumak on Jan 30, 2022 19:29:55 GMT -5
My wife is trying to fix her metronome. She just needs to figure out what makes it tick.
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Post by Ben Grimm on Jan 30, 2022 21:21:43 GMT -5
We had to fire John Fahrenheit today at work. Luckily, Stacy Kelvin was able to step up and replace him. She's the new temp.
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Dellarigg
AV Clubber
This is a public service announcement - with guitars
Posts: 7,640
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Post by Dellarigg on Jan 31, 2022 14:42:35 GMT -5
I was out driving in the countryside the other day, and I accidentally ran over a cockerel. There was a farmhouse nearby, so I went and knocked on the door. A woman answered. ‘I’m sorry,’ I said, ‘but I’ve just run over your cockerel, and I’d like to replace him.’
‘That’s very good of you,’ she said. ‘The hens are round the back.’
(Not a terrible joke, and one that has been aired a lot here in the past couple of days, after an old and much-loved comic died.)
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Post by Prole Hole on Feb 1, 2022 17:39:24 GMT -5
I was out driving in the countryside the other day, and I accidentally ran over a cockerel. There was a farmhouse nearby, so I went and knocked on the door. A woman answered. ‘I’m sorry,’ I said, ‘but I’ve just run over your cockerel, and I’d like to replace him.’ ‘That’s very good of you,’ she said. ‘The hens are round the back.’ (Not a terrible joke, and one that has been aired a lot here in the past couple of days, after an old and much-loved comic died.) The last one he told was apparently, "I'm so old I don't even buy green bananas". |
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Tellyfier
TI Pariah
Unwarned and dangerous
Posts: 2,552
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Post by Tellyfier on Feb 7, 2022 4:54:35 GMT -5
Two Goldfish are in a tank. One asks: "So, any idea how to drive this thing?"
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Post by Albert Fish Taco on Feb 12, 2022 19:26:13 GMT -5
Why did everyone assume Jabba the Hutt liked his tuna salad slathered in butter and oil?
Because they heard he kept a Bib Fortuna.
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Dellarigg
AV Clubber
This is a public service announcement - with guitars
Posts: 7,640
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Post by Dellarigg on Feb 14, 2022 12:57:01 GMT -5
For the past 20 years I've received a Valentine's card from the same secret admirer. So I was pretty upset when I didn't get one this year. First my granny dies and now this.
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Dellarigg
AV Clubber
This is a public service announcement - with guitars
Posts: 7,640
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Post by Dellarigg on Feb 15, 2022 10:04:57 GMT -5
My dad has started wearing an 'I Love Boris' t-shirt, to see what kind of reaction he gets. So far, he's been punched, spat on, and had a bottle thrown at him. I can't wait to see what happens when he leaves the house.
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Dellarigg
AV Clubber
This is a public service announcement - with guitars
Posts: 7,640
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Post by Dellarigg on Mar 1, 2022 15:33:35 GMT -5
I told my wife she'd drawn her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.
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Dellarigg
AV Clubber
This is a public service announcement - with guitars
Posts: 7,640
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Post by Dellarigg on Mar 3, 2022 13:00:46 GMT -5
My boss arrived at work in a brand-new Lamborghini. I said, 'That's a really nice car.'
He said, 'If you work hard, put the hours in, and strive for excellence, I'll get another one next year.'
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Tellyfier
TI Pariah
Unwarned and dangerous
Posts: 2,552
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Post by Tellyfier on Mar 3, 2022 17:22:15 GMT -5
I think Dellarigg should be banned from this thread, his jokes are actually good. |
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Post by Ben Grimm on Mar 3, 2022 17:54:36 GMT -5
I think Dellarigg should be banned from this thread, his jokes are actually good. The rest of us are safe, then. |
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Crash Test Dumbass
AV Clubber
ffc what now
Posts: 7,058
Gender (additional): mostly snacks
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Post by Crash Test Dumbass on Mar 3, 2022 22:50:43 GMT -5
I just found out Albert Einstein was actually real. I thought he was a theoretical physicist.
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Post by Lurky McLurk on Mar 4, 2022 5:11:07 GMT -5
I think Dellarigg should be banned from this thread, his jokes are actually good. Yeah, I was going to say that this is turning out like the Unpopular Opinions thread. |
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Dellarigg
AV Clubber
This is a public service announcement - with guitars
Posts: 7,640
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Post by Dellarigg on Mar 4, 2022 8:14:08 GMT -5
I'll do what I can to bring it back down a notch.
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Crash Test Dumbass
AV Clubber
ffc what now
Posts: 7,058
Gender (additional): mostly snacks
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Post by Crash Test Dumbass on Mar 5, 2022 17:44:17 GMT -5
Did you hear about the restaurant that only caters to dolphins?
It only has one customer, but at least it serves a porpoise.
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Dellarigg
AV Clubber
This is a public service announcement - with guitars
Posts: 7,640
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Post by Dellarigg on Mar 10, 2022 8:27:25 GMT -5
A slightly unfair addition, but I've just seen this going round on twitter - an example of an early 'bar' joke from our old friends the Sumerians (4500 - 1900BC).
A dog walked into a tavern and said, 'I can't see a thing. I'll open this one.'
That's it. You had to be there, I suppose.
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Crash Test Dumbass
AV Clubber
ffc what now
Posts: 7,058
Gender (additional): mostly snacks
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Post by Crash Test Dumbass on Mar 10, 2022 12:39:49 GMT -5
I met a microbiologist the other day. They were taller than I expected.
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